satisfying an itch [Artorius] - Printable Version +- HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun (http://helovia.com) +-- Forum: Out of Character (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11) +---- Forum: Battle Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=64) +---- Thread: satisfying an itch [Artorius] (/showthread.php?tid=19136) |
satisfying an itch [Artorius] - Ophelia - 04-19-2015 And when my sins are just a memory... The trees just outside the World’s Edge towered above them, boughs turning shades of vibrant amber and gorgeous red. If not for her pristine, pale coat, she might even fit in with the environment given the shades on the ends of her long, silken mane and tail. Uncertainty plagued her heart, a shadow of doubt that clouded her every thought. Would Torleik lead? Would he leave her as all the others did? His promises seemed so beautiful and pure, but so had all the others. Where her heart wanted to believe him, her head knew better. But, she could not express her doubts, not after he admitted that he loved her – spoke the words in his headspace for her to hear. His voice still echoed in her mind, ‘I love you’. What did that even mean? As she went in circles in her head, the frustration she had felt from the invasion began to mount again, urging her legs to move. Ophelia snorted roughly through her flared, gray nostrils, cloven hooves crunching on slick leaves as she padded in a wide, pacing circle. Two, strange colored eyes stared out ahead of her, unseeing , for her focus was in the past. The Sun God would know the answers to her questions, but until then? Night had fallen over head, stars bright in the Orangemoon blackness. The light upon her brow was soft, gently pulsing like a star, and underneath was the key to the hidden entrance of the Dragon’s Throat. She had used the key once already, and was grateful that Gaucho had trust her with such a prize. Even the silver armor that encircled her pale sides was lovely- a minimalist take on a warrior’s protection. Ophelia would hardly recognize herself anymore. Gone was the awkward, lanky girl of her youth. In her place was a tall, lithe creature, aching for war and bloodshed. The very lineage in her genes demanded so, and she was fast becoming a slave to its calling. All sons and daughters of the Red King succumb at one point or another. Spying a pegasus she had recognized from earlier, she nodded to him with a jerk of her head. “Artorius, yes?” she asked, the question a formality. She had drawn his name from his very mind in the woods. “Do you want to spar with me?” she asked, taking a deep breath. Ophelia’s body needed release from this tension, and being the somewhat naïve prude as she was, she did not think to take her frustrations out on Torleik in… another way. “Feel free to attack first. You will not offend me.” ------------ [(intro) (438 words) SETTING: Just at the World's Edge border at NIGHT with leaves on the ground. The dirt is a little slick and a rain storm could possibly come through :) UP to you, Semper TEACHING SPAR! You can attack first if you want. 1. If you don't want Phi to know is name, that's cool :) I can remove it 2. If my table font is too small, please lemme know and I'll adjust THANKS KAY @[Artorius] RE: satisfying an itch [Artorius] - Artorius - 04-27-2015 Artorius She's a ten, I'm a joke in my own mind. But she still loves to dance with my punch lines
RE: satisfying an itch [Artorius] - Ophelia - 04-27-2015 And when my sins are just a memory... Unsupported by a contentious crowd and partial anonymity, Ophelia found that she liked Artorius much better. He was young to lead a herd, but then again, she had been too. However, the position was not handed to her so simply; she and her twin gathered, fought and invaded with a band of mercenaries. Earning was much more satisfying, and part of her hoped that he would realize this fact sooner rather than later. As her gaze shifted over his feathered form, she wanted to tell him that she was grateful for the distraction. Within seconds his presence had shifted the confusion and heartache toward a fang-gnashing thirst for the pain and pleasure of a heavy spar. Since when had she turned into her father? Hooves rooted in place, she awaited his answer, a shiver in her spine praying that he would accept. Wide eyes, the color of the forest, stared at her, and she stared back, patiently waiting for his tongue to catch up with his body and soul. He would be honored, and she returned his respectful gesture with a dip of her own crowned skull. Seconds ticked by, and she felt as if she could wait no longer. But she held her tongue, memories competing with reality for her attention. The surge of adrenalin and strain on her muscles would aid in this mental argument, but she was not cruel enough to begin a battle before he was ready. From the words he spoke in the World’s Edge, he was untried and new, and though her purposes here were singular, she did want to leave him with a good impression of both herself and the Aurora Basin. She wanted to display that she was capable – a worthy judge for the new warrior leader of Kahlua’s herd. He was one of the few who acknowledged his weaknesses and still offered to honor the Moon Goddess by living in the herd, and that, to Ophelia, was commendable. That commendable heart, it seemed, was not only for show. The stallion reached to grasp a bundle of feathers from his back and tucked the companion away for safe keeping. Ophelia had no idea what the creature was, but a small smile tugged at her lips, finding it very cute. Feathers reminded her of Irelyn, the fiery little griffin who could both terrorize and snuggle devoutly. Both she and Torleik loved fiercely, and she only hoped that there was enough of her left to return the same. Her mood took a circle, having lost her distraction when Artorius’ eyes left her own for the safety of his bonded. The pale princess sighed inaudibly, perking only once the stallion situated himself and began to walk forward. Instincts were not natural to Ophelia; she had to hone them carefully over time until they were a part of her memories. So, she lifted her proud, gray neck and turned her cheek, eyeing him from the right as he made his approach from that side. Though he was smaller, he had wings large enough to fly; that alone gave him a significant advantage. Strength, for once, was on her side, as her well-coupled musculature and lithe physique allowed her fine motor control and power – at least against this opponent. She would have to think twice were she locked in battle with the much stronger Torleik. Naturally, she side-stepped his advance, looking over her shoulder as his hooves lashed out. One of them glanced off of her silver armor, but the other hit her square in the gaskin just as she was making to move away. Ophelia hissed in a breath at the fast forming bruise, and she held it up tightly for but a second to alleviate some pain. Honestly, she was surprised. He was much, much quicker than she had anticipated, and she would relish the opportunity to keep up. Like a star in the forest, she glowed, poor camouflage against the blackness of the night sky. She raised her right, hind leg to step forward, favoring it slightly as she cantered after Artorius. The distraction was working. She hardly felt the confliction of the rapid events plaguing Orangemoon weighing on her heart, and she breathed freely now as she attempted to slide her left side next to his right. Aiming to use her height to her advantage, she curled her neck over, jaws widely opened to bite sharply on the point of his right hip. Should she fail, she had a secondary opportunity. Ophelia struck outward with her left, front foreleg, desiring to glance at his hock with her cloven toes. The pain brought her back to reality, grounded her firmly in the earthen scent of decaying leaves. But, the long awaited taste of blood was the wine she desired. [[(1/3) (795 words in word) - Ophelia takes his kick sharply on her right Gaskin - Chases after him, trying to line up parallel, left side to right side and bite him on his right hip bone ]] THANKS KAY TEACHING SPAR NOTES As per the usual, I bullet point because I find that's easier for me to go back and read too :) 1. Somewhat awkward sentence structure. I realize that this is somewhat pot calling the kettle black, BUT, let me explain what I mean. I get the sense that you tried a little TOO hard to begin sentences that didnt start with the word “I”. For example, your opening sentence. I would have rewritten it to go like this: “The invasion had come to a halt and since, things had been quite hectic. The Edge warriors had….” This is a more chronological arrangement of events, and that helps the reader with flow. 2. Double space paragraphs! Double spacing paragraphs is generally proper format in literature, but it also helps your readers, especially if your line-height is a bit compressed like yours is. 3. Why use lot word when few word do trick? - kevin from “The Office”. Try organizing your sentences by replacing lengthy phrases with just one word. Granted, this is sometimes a pain because you have to work on vocabulary, but a post or two with a thesaurus can’t hurt. “In the dim light that the stars provided without a moon in the sky the pale mare clad in armor…” Could be rewritten as: “No moon in the sky, the dim light was provided by the stars, and the pale mare clad in armor was noticed given my dancing thoughts which forced me into a nearly unconscious state of mind.” In this case, the punctuation and removal of some extraneous words helps provide a much clearer sentence! 4. Play your cards, not your opponent! Typical poker phrase. Remember to mention your character’s build vs. Ophelia’s. What strengths can he use to his advantage? What weaknesses can he try to avoid? This can help you get points in realism! 5. “I moved past the Lady on her right side…” be careful with this! You cannot know Ophelia’s position, so you can only TRY to make sure that you end up that way. 6. Otherwise, your attack was very well written, clear and it made sense. 7. GREAT job with his motivation! Often times these spars are so awkward to start, but you made it so believable. 8. Really good job with emotion. I could really feel his anxiousness and nervousness; it was really great to read :D @[Artorius] RE: satisfying an itch [Artorius] - Blu - 05-21-2015 Artorius defaults to Ophelia. Ophelia earns 0.5VP + 1 EXP for teaching. |