[JUDGED] biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Printable Version +- HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun (http://helovia.com) +-- Forum: Out of Character (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11) +---- Forum: Battle Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=64) +---- Thread: [JUDGED] biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] (/showthread.php?tid=21732) |
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biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Erebos - 11-29-2015
@Rexanna RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Rexanna - 12-07-2015 rexanna I had a dream you were two towns from me —
Opening my eyes, I squinted against the bright light of the Tallsun morning. I couldn’t exactly remember where I had been heading to or what I had in mind, but I did know that I had ended up in the Rotunda – one way or another – and managed to pass out late last night as the light faded, keeping me from continuing on. I could feel my joints ache slightly from the trek from the Basin, and of course from sleep as well. I emitted a small yawn before stretching out each leg slowly, enjoying the breeze that blew through the tips of the trees. I could hear the birds singing, flying back and forth between each branch, playing games with one another and I was beginning to semi believe that I was actually going to be okay mentally. I was able to enjoy the little things again, such as the birds and the winds, instead of wallowing in so much of my own self-pity. Is this what healing felt like? The thought of the mammoth stallion I had fallen in love with didn’t break my heart or give me a bitter taste in my mouth anymore. I had come to terms with it, even if I missed him dearly. I was growing, living, and thriving without him. Ears perked and danced with the sounds from the birds and the leaves rustling in the breeze, peacefully enjoying the moment of the day as it slowly grew into the afternoon. But before I could set out on more exploring, I heard my name shouted through the trees. Curiosity hit me gently, wondering who it could be that called my name. Rohan perhaps? I met him here, the first time I traveled to the Rotunda. The voice didn’t sound like Tembovu or Caleb, so I was fairly safe in assuming it wasn’t one of them. It kept my heart at bay. Either way, I moved from my little crevice I had found beneath a low hanging branch; shaking off the leaves that had fallen onto my pristine cream and golden pelt, golden chains dancing with each shake. I flicked my dual toned tail gently against my ankles before setting out in search of the voice. However, before I could see the beast that screeched my name into the Rotunda, he asked for a spar. It grew more curiosity to me, so I picked up my pace. Ears flicking to the area I thought I had heard the voice come from. And then I came across him, stepping further to a brisk pace, I made my way into the Rotunda. The stained glass caused rainbows of colors to speck my gilded pelt, but that didn't last long as I moved further through it into the courtyard attached. I approached whom I believed spoke my name, curiously observing him before speaking. He looked a lot like Deimos, but as if it were a younger version. I never met him before and yet he seemed to know my name. Perhaps this was Deimos’ idea. To see if I was performing correctly. So with that thought in mind, I bowed my head to the azure stallion. “I accept.” I spoke briefly, nodding to him and offering him a smile. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but it would try. I moved in closer to him, my movements slow as I observed him. I noticed his agile but larger build in comparison to mine, the height difference, his leonine tail where mine was a typical equine tail, his cloven hooves where mine were normal. I didn’t even know where I should start until I took into account my long legs and shorter size. I figured I could at least attempt to get him in a spot where it would be more difficult for him to retaliate against me. And with that, I tossed my head sending white and gray hairs flying into the air before rushing to him. Head jutting out toward his left shoulder, aiming to bite. My hooves danced into the air a few inches off the ground with my quick movements and quickly thudded against the earth once again, closer to his. Even if my bite hit or missed, I still pushed myself to him. Hoping that perhaps my shoulder would collide with his chest in such a way that could push him back. With every movement, I could feel my heartbeat begin to race and my bones ache with the grogginess of just waking up. I had accepted this challenge without realizing how it would end, and I began to hope and wish that nothing too intense would happen as it seemed I danced with Death. "Talk." _______ Word Count: 785/800 Attack: 1/3 Summary: Rexanna accepts Erebos’ spar. Faces him head on and rushes to him, aiming to land a bite onto his shoulder and hopes to collide her left shoulder into his chest. OOC: SORRY ITS TERRIBLE. My mind is going in a billion different places, but I wanted to get this up to you ;-; also, thanks for doing this <3 — got to sleep, spent the whole night running. RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Erebos - 12-13-2015
@Rexanna Teaching Spar Comments: Whee! Thank you for doing this with me! What Went Well: Setting: I thought you painted a nice picture of where Rexanna was in space. Utilize this when it comes to the spar portion – think about where she is, how she can use whatever is nearby as a means of tactics, diversions, etc. Emotions: They’re spread out here and there, but I liked seeing Rexanna’s motivations, her thoughts on her latest romance, and then the last line: I had accepted this challenge without realizing how it would end, and I began to hope and wish that nothing too intense would happen as it seemed I danced with Death. I really enjoyed this line because it felt ominous and foreboding. ;D So as you write your next post, think about her motivations now. How is she feeling about striking Erebos and getting in some good damage? Size Comparison: YES DO THIS. Directions: ALSO YES PLEASE KEEP DOING THIS. Things to Work On: Proofreading: Some things really read awkwardly to me, such as: It grew more curiosity to me, so I picked up my pace. - Should be “It grew more curious to me, so I picked up my pace.” I proofread my spar posts because I know things have to be clear, concise, and make sense. You don’t want to leave judges confused – it doesn’t bode well. Read it over a couple times to yourself, THEN read it out loud. It’ s amazing how many things you pick up and fix. Redundancy/Superfluous Words - Now, I understand this was partly a set-up for Rexanna to begin the spar, so I’m a little wishy-washy on this particular area. I did notice, however, there was a lot of the same thing parceled throughout the post, or something unnecessary/not vital to the battle. Such as: And with that, I tossed my head sending white and gray hairs flying into the air before rushing to him. I’m only mentioning this one in particular because when we’re starved for more space on the word count, we can take those things out. ;D Curiosity hit me gently, wondering who it could be that called my name. It grew more curiosity to me, so I picked up my pace. I approached whom I believed spoke my name, curiously observing him before speaking. Aww man, all those were in the same paragraph. ;D I know I’m being nit-picky, and I’m not trying to drive people to a thesaurus, but if you vary her motivations, I think you’ll see improved scores. Keep up the good work – see you next post! ^_^ RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Rexanna - 12-18-2015 rexanna I had a dream you were two towns from me —
I wasn't sure what I had expected to happen when I began my attack onto the ebony stag. In my attempts to barge into him I was met with success. I had managed to collide with him, my chest meeting his on his left and my teeth meeting skin. Invigorated blue eyes scanned him momentarily as he pulled away from me, searching for signs of weakness. I began to think that this was going to be an easy fight. Steadying myself, my hooves met the lush grasses beneath us in the courtyard. I studied him as he reached the side of the Rotunda and began my move to meet him once again with the idea that the wall of the building would provide more help. Until a fog seemed to appear out of nowhere. I sucked the thick air into my lungs and snorted out of discomfort, eyes closing momentarily while I tried to figure out what had caused it. Magic? When I opened my eyes, I realized the fog was so thick I could barely see anything - let alone the demon stag. I heard him cough in the distance and swiveled my head I thought he was. Could he see in this? Suddenly I felt more compelled to win the battle if he planned on using tactics like this against someone like me that had no extra help. I shifted my hooves against the earth, my front right leg extending and pawing at the ground trying to get an idea of the location I held. I figured I had to be a couple of feet from Erebos and the Rotunda when I stopped due to the sudden change in weather. I moved forward about a foot, leaving only a foot between me and the structure. Then, I swiveled my head to my right thinking I heard the sound of hoofsteps. I moved to my right, stepping sideways thinking that he was coming up on my left. That's when he got me. In my attempts to move away from the sound, he had collided his horn with my right hind. I felt an explosion of pain grow in my muscle and stretch across my skin as his horn penetrated my right rear leg, accompanied with a hot searing sensation of blood as it began to fill the hole left by his crown. A mix between a gasp and a shriek had escaped my lungs. My eyes jammed shut as I plunged into the stone of the wall. The burning pain from my rear followed with a dull sensation in my chest from the stone pulsed with each movement. My hooves struggled to steady myself, all while flashbacks of the land I lived in before flew into my mind. I remembered seeing wounded soldiers returning and the bloodshed that stained the land as I escaped. I remembered the grieving mother crying over her son, a lifeless heap in the middle of the clearing. I wouldn't let that child be me. I needed to learn how to protect myself. I wanted to give up with the sharp pain that vibrated in my hind, but I knew if I did that would only make me weak. I was strong I could handle it. I began to feel weakness as I tried to place some weight onto my right hind, so I focused onto my left to steady myself. Then, I pushed back from the Rotunda and opened my eyes. Inhaling the thick fog deeply, I bucked. Pushing my weight onto my front legs and striking out toward him. I hoped he had been heading toward me so that maybe my hooves could collide with the right side of his chest. "Talk." _______ Word Count: 617/800 Attack: 2/3 Summary: Erebos is successful in ramming his horn into Rex's right. She stumbles into the wall of the Rotunda and uses it to push herself off and buck at Erebos, hoping her hooves might collide with the right side of his chest. OOC: Those were great notes, Heather :D I hope I managed to put some of them in there. I read over it a bunch of times and thought about certain things I either needed or didn't need in it. Thanks again for doing this! <333 — got to sleep, spent the whole night running. @Erebos RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Erebos - 12-22-2015
Teaching Spar Notes: What Went Well: Emotions: Loved seeing more of Rexanna’s character here, especially this particular piece: My hooves struggled to steady myself, all while flashbacks of the land I lived in before flew into my mind. I remembered seeing wounded soldiers returning and the bloodshed that stained the land as I escaped. I remembered the grieving mother crying over her son, a lifeless heap in the middle of the clearing. I wouldn't let that child be me. You gave us a glimpse into her motivations – especially that last line. She wants to be stronger because she doesn’t want to be like those from her past – and by no means is she going to let Erebos think she’s helpless or meek. Yeah! Scenery: I thought it was very clever to utilize Erebos’ coughing and hacking as a way to figure out his positioning. Even in the fog, you managed to find a way to take advantage of something. Well done. Pain: You did a great job describing the pain Rexanna felt from her wounds. As you’re writing your next post, be sure to include the pain and how it’s going to affect her movements, plans, strategies, etc. – because unless she knows how to heal herself, it’s not going to go away. To Work On: Damage Taken: I’m constantly confused/wishy-washy with this as well, but since Erebos rolled a three, I don’t think I would have taken as much damage as you did. Not only did you take the stabbing as a deep wound, but you also had Rexanna slam into the wall. I think just taking the stab wound would’ve been fine. Proofreading: Since I colossally sucked at it in my SUMMARY, good lord I’m so ashamed, I’m going to be after you on it again. :D I was strong I could handle it. - Needs a break in there somewhere. I was strong. I could handle it. would work, or a comma in between. I studied him as he reached the side of the Rotunda and began my move to meet him once again with the idea that the wall of the building would provide more help. Until a fog seemed to appear out of nowhere. – Bah, last line is a fragment. It could be a stylistic approach, but it could also be incorporated more into the former sentence. I heard him cough in the distance and swiveled my head I thought he was. - To where I thought he was. More Emotions: Yeah, I’m greedy. You gave us glimpses, which were wonderful, and now I want more. How does she feel when she hits him? Successful? I want something beyond “this might be an easy fight,”. Does she want to annihilate him, destroy him, beat him? Does she want to get stronger? @Rexanna RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Rexanna - 12-30-2015 rexanna I had a dream you were two towns from me —
I felt pain, frustration, and a small amount of desperation as I shot my rear legs out to the stallion. I could feel my left hoof strike aimlessly at the air, but my right hoof caught a small amount of something which I assumed to be his chest. It wasn't enough of a hit on him to do anything really damaging which frustrated me even further. When I opened my eyes I could see the fog dispersing, the Rotunda grew clear and in turn my mind cleared with it. I felt a wave of relief wash over me knowing that I could see the beast once more. Though, I still endured the pain from the previous attacks pelted onto me, there was a mix of excitment and hope that I could win this. The thought energized me and pushed me into the realization that I couldn't wait around. Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us. In my attempts, I noticed him running toward me aiming to push me into the wall. 'Not this time.' I thought, breaking away from the wall but feeling the slight tingle of pain resulting from a miscalculation in my speed and his body finding mine. As he pushed me toward the wall, I pressed back into him slightly, feeling a small bruise arising on my left hind as he caused me to spin slightly. I flattened my ears to my skull and pulled away from him at that point, happily taking the turn he pushed me in and running straight in that direction. Slightly out from the walls of the Rotunda, seeing the courtyard in view again. I could feel the relief as the gentle grasses brushed against my legs. The aura of the Rotunda seemed too peaceful to be battling it out like this, so I turned my head to the stag hoping that it would be over soon. I carried a limp in my step, but I tried to not let it affect my mind as I flicked my tail toward him as an act of sheer annoyance. 'Who does he think he is, disturbing my peaceful morning to succumb to such wounds?' I thought. "Who even are you?" I huffed at him, spending a few moments to catch my breath. I reminded myself of greeting him just before accepting the spar, remembering the scent of home that floated off of him. How had I never seen him around before? Why did he pick me of all creatures to fight with? I could still feel the blood trickle down my leg, the pain radiating out like a spiderweb. Though, at this point all I desired was to be the victorious one in this, battle scars and all. I didn't think it was too much to ask for. I wanted to be the one at the top when all my life it had seemed that I was the lower of everything. The time I hailed at the top was short lived and a blatent lie. Did he have some kind of desire like I did, to show that he was more than just lineage and rank? After I had spoken to him, I dug my daggers into the ground and pushed off toward him. Lowering my head and tucking it into my chest, pointing my golden horn at him. The height difference failed me in being able to aim for anything other than legs and barrel, but I could at least try to maim him. I assumed he was still near the wall of the Rotunda, and I ran straight toward him hoping to stab at his left hind. I still carried a slight limp, but my adrenaline kept the pain dull. It was still noticeable but not nearly as desperate for my attention as it was to land this attack. I hoped this worked and I wasn't just going to push myself into the wall. I closed my eyes once again, doing a mix between a prayer and a wish that just maybe my assault would find its destination. "Talk." --------- Word Count: 695/800 Attack: 3/3 Summary: Rex tries to pull straight out of Erebos' push into her, but miscalculates her speed and ends up pushing back into him slightly as she escapes. She sustains a small bruise on her left hind. She then creates a large circle between them, looking toward him and begins to run straight at him, horn lowered to him, aiming for his own left hind. OOC: Well we've realized my derpiness with reading the battle rolls so HOPEFULLY THAT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN xD This oen definitely isn't my best, but I hope it's not too terrible. :| — got to sleep, spent the whole night running. @Erebos RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Erebos - 01-03-2016
Teaching Notes: Yay! We’re almost at the end! What Went Well: Damage Taking: I know we had a brief conversation over Skype about dice rolls and what they all mean, so it was great to see you recognize how much or how little you actually had to take. ;D Since Erebos rolled a 1, this: As he pushed me toward the wall, I pressed back into him slightly, feeling a small bruise arising on my left hind as he caused me to spin slightly. I flattened my ears to my skull and pulled away from him at that point, happily taking the turn he pushed me in and running straight in that direction. was perfectly fine. Pain: You’re constantly channeling how Rexanna feels, where the pain is located, and how it affects her movements. Good for you! This makes it all the more realistic. Emotions: They’re getting better and better! I particularly liked: I felt pain, frustration, and a small amount of desperation as I shot my rear legs out to the stallion. I carried a limp in my step, but I tried to not let it affect my mind as I flicked my tail toward him as an act of sheer annoyance. 'Who does he think he is, disturbing my peaceful morning to succumb to such wounds?' I thought. I wanted to be the one at the top when all my life it had seemed that I was the lower of everything. The time I hailed at the top was short lived and a blatent lie. Did he have some kind of desire like I did, to show that he was more than just lineage and rank? Now, my only thing to off of these is to continue showing us, not just telling. How did she feel pain, frustration, and desperation? Did it move through her body, her mind, ache in her joints or her limbs? Did she want to growl? Did she simmer? Is she tormented by vexation? Why does she desire to show and prove herself? Differences/Setting: I see you still working those in! ;D To Work On: Pacing: I’m not sure if I should consider this pacing or not, but I felt a weird disconnect in this post. The way you opted to frame it felt a little bizarre, because in between attacks and defenses, you have Rexanna question and seemingly rest. I thought this was an odd thing to do – because you’re in the middle of a fight. If this were a challenge, things could potentially go very wrong for a distracted fighter. Slightly out from the walls of the Rotunda, seeing the courtyard in view again. I could feel the relief as the gentle grasses brushed against my legs. The aura of the Rotunda seemed too peaceful to be battling it out like this, so I turned my head to the stag hoping that it would be over soon. I carried a limp in my step, but I tried to not let it affect my mind as I flicked my tail toward him as an act of sheer annoyance. 'Who does he think he is, disturbing my peaceful morning to succumb to such wounds?' I thought. Perhaps a better spot to put these questions, emotions, and reflections would have been towards the end of the post. They’re great sentiments and I can see you’re trying hard to include them, but I’m not sure if they were in the correct area. Since this was your last attack post, ending it with these frustrations and queries would’ve been great – or you could’ve even saved them for your last defense post. Grammar: It looked way better this time! I still found some instances, but I’m a nit-picky nut: Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us. - Doing my best to put…, etc. would be a fragment. You could make it: I sprang from them, doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us. The time I hailed at the top was short lived and a blatent lie. - Should be blatant. Now, for your last post, all you need to do is think about defense/emotions, and overall injuries. Make sure to include how Rexanna felt about the entire thing, what she wants to do next, how she’s going to move on, learn, etc. There are so many different things you could do – but make sure you show your reader what’s going on inside Rex’s head. I really enjoyed this spar – thank you so much for allowing me to participate with you! ^_^ @Rexanna RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Rexanna - 01-05-2016 rexanna I had a dream you were two towns from me —
He hadn’t answered my question which caused some annoyance to flare up. I wondered if he thought he was too proud to tell me his name, if he was too apathetic, too ashamed even. I hadn’t sparred successfully before, but the way this black stallion treated me during this seemed childish and clumsy. I might have just turned five – which I’ll admit isn’t that old at all – but I had endured much in my short life, surely more than this stag had any idea of. Did he know exactly what he was getting into? I knew from the beginning that he knew my name, but he didn’t know my story. Depending on how this fight turned out, I wasn’t sure if he ever would. I clenched my jaw as I ran toward him feeling like a barbarian as I rampaged toward him with my awkward limp. Though I was successful, I could tell as I felt my golden horn slide into his hind left leg. Success screamed into my mind and my heart jumped rapidly, the pulse beating loud enough within my ears to barely remember where I was. Pulling my horn from his leg, I opened my blue eyes just in time to see his retaliation. My bones ached and bruises burned with the pulse of my heartbeat in this fast paced moment. I took a moment to pull back from him and dodge further to the right, completely avoiding his barrage of piercing daggers that I was sure would have knocked me out if I hadn’t moved in time. His name echoed in my mind over and over again, trying to place it but I wasn’t successful. I had never met or heard of him before, but now I would know him as the one I had defeated. I stepped away from him after his blunder, stepping out and away from him out into the place I had been before I ran toward him. I limped and walked slowly, the pain catching up with me now that my adrenaline had stopped numbing the sting. My breathing was heavy and I felt that crimson liquid sticking to my left hind leg as well as the bruising that had resulted from a prior attack. It pulsed and vibrated with a shooting pain that I couldn’t seem to help even if I lifted my leg off of the ground. I took this time to turn and face him, carefully keeping the weight off of my left back leg. My pale crowned head sporting crimson on the tip of my golden horn, drying to the chain that accompanied it. “I’ll remember you, Erebos. For now I think we both need to find a healer.” I called to him. Deep down I questioned again the fact of why he chose to fight me. Even though the taste of victory fell on my tongue, I couldn’t show my pride. Not when I felt as though a part of him had been broken from it. If it were me and I was a dark devilish stallion like he was, I’d be heartbroken to have lost to a creature like me - even with the help of a companion. During the entire fight, I carried this large pride within my breast of being able to show off my victory provided I won. Now that it was here, it was the last thing I wanted to do. If anything, I felt sorry to have beaten him. Maybe within my mind I felt as though I deserved everything to happen to me in these instances and when it didn’t turn out with my defeat, I felt as though I had let someone down. "Talk." Word Count: 617/800 Defense: 1/1 Summary: Rexanna is successful in landing her attack in Erebos’ hind leg, notices he tries to kick back at her but she moves far enough to the right to completely avoid the attack. She moves away from him and speaks. OOC: Thanks so much for the wonderful spar ;-; poor Erebos <333 if you want they can continue their thread or we can just let it die out and maybe they could come across each other again after the baby’s born ;D — got to sleep, spent the whole night running. @Erebos RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - Official - 01-30-2016 By my verdict: EREBOS is the winner!
REXANNA Realism [+0] Realism is where all sparrers struggle, I think, and that goes especially for new sparrers. You've sparred but have not had any judgements yet, so I understand that has made it hard to improve. You have a good grasp on realistic movements of horses, which is good! You make good use of directions which really helps the judges and your opponents. In post one you write: “My hooves danced into the air a few inches off the ground with my quick movements and quickly thudded against the earth once again, closer to his. Even if my bite hit or missed, I still pushed myself to him.”, which is slight powerplay, because you can only write that you attempt to hit your hooves toward Erebos'. Make sure to use intentional language, there can never be too much! In post two when Rexanna responds to Erebos' companion magic, you write: “I sucked the thick air into my lungs and snorted out of discomfort,”, which I thought having Rexanna react this way was creative, but not very realistic. Fog might be thick, but it’s just water vapors, not like smoke or smog which could choke/cause irritation in the eyes. In post two, you write that Erebos “collided his horn with my right hind.”, but do not specify exactly hind what. You mention later it's her leg, but not what part of it. Following this injury, you say Rex cannot put a lot of weight on her injured leg, but then she bucks. That would still put a lot of strain on the injury, and doesn’t really make sense. Also in post two, I think you took too much damage. For a roll of three I would have liked to see either Erebos' successful attack OR Rexanna running into the wall, but probably not both to the extent you wrote her injuries to turn out as. Remember that the damage rolls are a scale, 1 being the lowest and 6 being the highest, so 3 is a medium roll which should account for a medium amount of damage. In post three you write: “Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us.”, which leaves me confused, because with the positioning you wrote before, I would think that if she ran forward she would run straight into the Rotunda’s wall? Make sure to stay consistent and back read your own posts. Again, in post three, I am not sure what part of Rexanna you are talking about when you write: “a small bruise arising on my left hind”. Left hind what? Make sure to use anatomical language, there are anatomy guides in the guidebook. Continuing in post three I do not think Rexanna running away is realistic to the amount of damage you wrote her sustaining to her legs. Once more, in post three: “I assumed he was still near the wall of the Rotunda, and I ran straight toward him hoping to stab at his left hind.”, is another instance of powerplay, because you can only write that you attempt to run straight toward Erebos, not that you actually do. Also, you can't stab someone in the hind (again, hind what?) if you're running head on to them. Emotion [+0.5] You have some brief mention of Rexanna’s history and emotions throughout the fight, but I was really wanting more. You only mention how she feels and thinks instead of really grasping your reader in making them feel how Rexanna feels. I liked her thoughts in the beginning regarding her lovely boys (Tembovu, Caleb, etc.), but I even would have liked more of that. You had a good chunk of word space left on /every/ post, so you definitely could have used it. My favorite emotional part of this spar was Rexanna’s memory, and her response to it: “I wouldn't let that child be me. I needed to learn how to protect myself. I wanted to give up with the sharp pain that vibrated in my hind, but I knew if I did that would only make me weak.” Prose [+1.5] You do a good job at writing, but there were quite a few errors I found throughout the fight. Make sure you proofread a few times, and even try to read your posts out loud. It really does help! P1: “It grew more curiosity to me,” – ...grew more curious... P2: “I heard him cough in the distance and swiveled my head I thought he was.” – my head toward where I thought… P2: “I was strong I could handle it” – Comma needed to break this up. P3: "Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us." -- ...I sprang from them, doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us. Would be a better read, the last sentence is a fragment how you've written it. P3: "...top was short lived and a blatent lie" -- blatant. Readability [+1] You are an improving writer, and I can tell you put some work into your posts. I did struggle with readability a little bit in judging your posts because of the errors throughout. In post two, the line, “Then, I swiveled my head to my right thinking I heard the sound of hoofsteps. I moved to my right, stepping sideways thinking that he was coming up on my left” is super repetitive. You could have spared some words here by taking out the restatement, and it also made me reread a few times to make sure you were not trying to say something else. Also in post two this line, “The burning pain from my rear followed with a dull sensation in my chest from the stone pulsed with each movement” reads awkwardly, and could have been phrased better. Finally tally: 45+(3*2)= 51 HP *******************************************
EREBOS Realism [+3] You obviously have a good grasp of what is realistic and what is not, and that helps you a lot with attacks and taking damage, which I thought you did really well. You did well on bringing damage throughout the fight, especially for a roll of 6 affecting him throughout the remainder of the spar, but I would like to see more of how it hinders him rather than just stating he still feels it. I would have liked to see more incorporation of how the battlefield helped or hindered him. Aside from hitting walls or trying to knock Rex into walls, there was very little mention of the surroundings. You still had some words left over, so you could have used this. When writing, make sure to be clear on your attacks and the like. I was left confused and having to fill in my own blanks a few times, for you repeated the same mistake three times: P1: “prayed to hit what he believed was her left hind.” – What? Left hind what? P3: “brutal contact with his left hind,” -- What? Left hind what? P3: “His hind lifted, intending to kick” – What? Left hind what? Make sure to state which part of the leg that is being injured. I was left with just this big blurry image of Erebos’ hind end being attacked. Make sure to use anatomical language, there are anatomy guides in the guidebook. Emotion [+1.5] I got some hints of emotion throughout the spar, but I was really yearning for a little more. You usually had a good deal of words leftover. What I loved most from Erebos was his intentions to become great. This line really nailed it in for me: “No one would remember an underachiever. No one would shudder at a failure. No one would fear a flop.” Prose [+3.5] You are a great writer. You can tell you pay attention to detail and take quite a bit of care in making sure your posts are error free. I liked how vividly you wrote. Readability [+2.5] Your posts are engaging and beautifully written. You obviously take the time to proof-read through them to make sure they’re clear of error. I do think that you have a tendency to use too many run-on sentences, but in this spar it did not detract from the readability. Finally tally: 38+(10.5*2)= 59 HP |