[JUDGED] Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Printable Version +- HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun (http://helovia.com) +-- Forum: Out of Character (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11) +---- Forum: Battle Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=64) +---- Thread: [JUDGED] Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) (/showthread.php?tid=22368) |
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Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Tembovu - 01-11-2016 Tembovu
The late Orangemoon air was crisp, creating clouds of breath that left frost clinging and glimmering on his muzzle’s whiskers. The giant didn’t sleep well, these nights. It was cold, still— too calm for the immobile weight that burdened his barrel. Every thing was so dull… Especially now, with the muted grays, blacks, and whites of the night. Well, of the morning— the zenith of the moon had already come and past. Helovia was now just awaiting the warming of hues on the eastern horizon that would mark the sun’s arrival. But that was still awhile away, yet. So, in the muted darkness, the Elephant stood, staring blankly across the black mirror that was the freshwater pool of the Edge. He did not look into the water— he did not need to see his reflection to know how empty his gaze was. He blinked, breaking his infinite stare into the shadows. What was he doing? This was useless, standing here in his insomnia like a giant elephant statue. Statues were useless. Pretty to look at, imposing to walk by. But they did nothing. He was not a man who did nothing, he was a King. A man of action. A destroyer of empires and builder of herds— He snorted, shaking his head at the melodramatic turn his thoughts had taken. He was not those things. He was a stallion, a simple man. In time, his joints would creak, his hooves would ache, his sight and hearing might fail, and eventually his great and giant heart would stop. And he would fall, just like all equines. Lowering his great head to the glass-like lake, he took a deep draught of the icy liquid. Perhaps the cold shock to his barrel would quell his theatrical thoughts. He needed a distraction, some kind of action to take his mind out of this introspective twilight, so easily brought on by solitude and shadows. Gaze casted around, searching the murky mist around him. A: 0/3 D: - WC: 329 Notes: @Alysanne They can chat and then spar! :D I'm fine with magic/companions and extended timeline. Summary: Cold, heavily misted, before sunrise in the Edge beside freshwater pool. RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Alysanne - 01-12-2016
@Tembovu RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Tembovu - 01-14-2016 Tembovu
Alysanne, one of his Moon Doctors, appeared from the mist, mostly white body seeming to materialize from the ethereal fog. Brows raised in surprised— apparently insomnia was not only his plague for the night. Heavy head turned to the left as she approached, facing him rather than standing alongside him. Perhaps she, too, had reason to avoid her reflection? He silenced these musings as he focused on the soft voice that sent his name questioning through the mist. He found relief that Alysanne, one of his first friends in the Edge, did not refer to his title. He was simply “Tembovu,” Not ‘sire,’ ‘sir,’ ‘majesty,’ ‘king,’ or any such superfluousness. Ears perked towards the piebald pegasus, dark and lonely eyes studying her hesitant face. He waits in silence, voice not yet ready to be used. Help her with something? In the face of her hesitance and the darkness of the hour, the stallion parts of his mind immediately assumed she meant coital-type assistance. Azure eyes widened and brows raised further— it had been a long while since a mare had propositioned him. Lately, it seemed he was the one following his studly-stick around. Lips parted to say— he wasn’t sure what, but her rush of explanation saved the King from his blundering tongue. Though, his eyes swept over her svelte and feminine form, assessing her for battle— but still noted that her carriage was lovely and her legs long. He blinked, bringing himself back to her question. “I’m hardly busy at this hour, and would be happy to help you, Alysanne,” dark eyes strayed back to her pale wings, “But I’ve not taught a winged one how to fight.” In fact, it had been a long time since he had taught anyone how to defend themselves or mount attacks. He pursed his lips, realizing how far removed he had become from what he had once been: Dorobo’s great general. Perhaps in defiance of this realization, he swelled his chest and swung his large haunches to face the Doctor. Hooves churned the dark, wet soil and his head lowered. “But I can’t have you feeling helpless, my sweet Doctor. I’ll gladly be your first victim,” a grin touched the edges of his thick lips, finally replacing the morose emptiness that plagued his face before. He felt something warm stir in his barrel— and it was a welcome change from the dank coldness that existed there before. A: 0/3 WC: 407 Damage Tracker: - Summary: He turns to face her, the pond is to his/their right. You can take the first attack, Sarah! I can't teach, so this will not be a 'teaching spar,' just to clarify to the judges! RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Alysanne - 01-20-2016
@Tembovu RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Tembovu - 01-21-2016 Tembovu
At her incredulous remark and backwards steps, he outright laughed, "The best teacher is experience, Alysanne.” The low rumble was amused, relieved even, at the prospect of a light-hearted spar. In his past life, he had found great pleasure in watching the new recruits— long of leg and lacking of muscle— bumble over themselves on the training grounds; only to, after a time, begin to find themselves and know their bodies. Finding their limits and pushing them, for their own survival and for those they fought alongside. So, it was with familiar delight that he watched the hesitant and wary movements of the Moon Doctor. An ear flicked sideways, to her companion, wondering if he would assist his bonded in the spar. The King wouldn't mind, though he had yet to fight a companion since coming to Helovia. Navy eyes watched her steps that sought to pass to his left and gain the upper edge against the location of the water. So he responded, his own thick columns of black and cream legs stepping forward and to his left, matching her small steps with his own, large ones. He remembered his fight with Nyx— how he had ended up slowed in the water. He didn’t want to that to happen again. Unfortunately for the Elephant, his matching steps made what would have been a mere love-tap and brush of primary feathers into a hard crack of wing-bones against the left side of his head. A brief bout of lights crossed his vision as his jaw went numb momentarily, before leaping into a punishingly painful throb. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth as gums, bleeding from the impact, oozed. A low grunt escaped his nostrils— he always underestimated the power of pegasus wings. He had neither trained nor fought against them in Dorobo. And here, in Helovia, he had sparred against wings fewer times than he had hooves. In the daze, his old training took over and he therefore missed the confused and lost look upon Alysanne's lovely, ebony face. He reared, angling his shoulders to his right, as massive weapons of ivory hooves struck out against the mare. Though there was a lack of force behind his blows, for this spar was about Alysanne’s discovery of how to use her body in attacks. His angled shoulders attempted to push her towards the water with his striking hooves; the water would slow down the lithe, smaller body of the winged mare. He tried to open his mouth to speak, to give some kind of guidance, but the wound to his jaw prohibited the motion. So, instead, he merely spat a wad of blood from his black lips, letting the woman figure out just how her body reacted when attacked. A: 1/3 WC: 463 Damage Tracker: Severely bruised left jaw & bleeding gums; Summary: He matches her steps, her wing hits him solidly on the left side of his jaw, he rears and strikes out, trying to angle her into the water. @Alysanne RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Alysanne - 01-31-2016
@Tembovu RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Tembovu - 02-09-2016 Tembovu
His striking hooves sailed through thin air as the pale mare disappeared before him to follow his herding shoulders. She backed in to the pond in a small splash of water from her delicate hooves. The ache in his jaw stopped his curse at his own missed attack, and his congratulatory remark at her having evaded his hooves. It seemed the Doctor was a natural at fighting— even if she grimaced and shied away from the blood he had spat from his lips. Though, he internally mused as the Doctor’s wings flared slightly in her forehand spin, any of the medical profession would know how to deal out pain. They saw it, recognized it, caused some if necessary to clean wound and set breaks. So causing more of it was (for some) the next step. And, it seemed, that Alysanne easily slipped into that role, willing or not. A spray of droplets foreshadowed her kick— a kick he had though the water would cushion. But he was wrong, The shallows were not enough to suck and slow her legs from their powerful kick that landed solidly on his right shoulder. A sickening crack rent the misty, otherwise calm and dark air. The outstanding muscles on his right side caved as one of her hooves caught him right at the point of his shoulder— the sound was from his scapula cleanly cracking. Immediately his weight shifted to his haunches, right knee buckling to relieve the weight on his injured limb. Staring at the white haunches of his Doctor, he mentally scrambled to mount another attack. Going after a mare’s haunches with one’s mouth was a poor decision. Suddenly heat flared in his chest— he had his magic (his crutch). But that was not the point of this spar— the point was to for her to learn how her body moved in a spar, not to maim and kill her. “Good, Aly,” though he felt worse for wear, the words of few syllables were still painfully grunted out of his bruised and locked jaw. Indeed, for her hesitance, the woman was easily holding her own in this spar. Spinning on his forehand to the right, he placed all of his weight onto his remaining, uninjured left forelimb. He wanted to keep his injured side away from the punishing blows of her wings or limbs. Awkwardly bracing his right side, haunches coil and burst, kicking out mainly with his hind left leg towards where Alysanne had been in the water. He wasn’t sure if she was still there— she did have wings, after all. But, still, the half-hearted attack was performed, a duty fulfilled in the pre-dawn. Though his injuries sucked some of the revelry from the spar, he found that he still preferred this light-hearted jousting to the serious battles had had had with either Elsa, Alune, or Mauja. Those had left both physical and mental wounds. Here, now, in this misty darkness he did not feel like he was losing a battle to his demons or past. It was simple training, and he was simply unaccustomed to fighting a pegasus. And, despite the searing pain through his shoulder and jaw, it was a relief. A: 2/3 WC: 536 Damage Tracker: Severely bruised left jaw & bleeding gums; cracked right scapula; Summary: Aly's kick cracks his right shoulder blade, he awkwardly spins on his forehand and kicks his back legs towards her. @Alysanne RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Alysanne - 02-19-2016
@Tembovu :D RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Tembovu - 02-28-2016 Tembovu
The shock of his hooves solidly connecting with Alysanne’s side sent a grunt out from his lips as the impact travelled through his great body and jarred his cracked shoulder. Though, as his hind hooves landed in a splash of arctic water, he was quickly twisting his neck over his uninjured left shoulder to ensure that her shriek of pain did not originate from any serious injury. Navy eyes, swept the slender and piebald frame, finding neither blood nor other grievous injury apparent. But he did find the look upon Alysanne’s face; yes, it was pained from the impact of his gargantuan hooves— but it was also tortured. Apparently the light-heartedness of this spar was one-way. “Alysanne, you are doing well,” his words are forced through metallic and stale blood in his hurt mouth. He was unused to encouraging an opponent to fight. He had trained, he had guided, he had pushed recruits— but never had he been faced with one whose attacks grew more and more reluctant, especially as they landed with such force and accuracy. Those landed attacks generally were encouragement in their own right. Not for the Doctor. Briefly, black-rimmed ears pinned in frustration as he floundered for the words to rally the ebony and ivory woman. “I will be fine. You can fight,” his deep rumble cut words out for brevity, as the pain in his mouth grew more acute with each syllable. His forehand began to marginally follow his twisted neck, pivoting slightly back to the left and keeping his injured right scapula firmly away from any attack of the pegasus mare. The shallow water swirled around his front left fetlock as it absorbed all of his weight. It was awkward, to be certain, being unable to place any weight on his right forelimb. The radiating pain from the cracked bone made his chest grow warm— hot even. But the dark and guilted look in her usually beautifully bright green eyes kept his magic, that deadly and molten elephant, at bay. The halfhearted swing of her right wing sailed past him, gentle zephyrs of wind soothing over his skin and belying the tender intentions beneath her attack. A frown creased his brows, even as his head attempted to drive his great horn through the air towards the tender and exposed underwing skin and joint. Though, despite the directed nature of his attack, he tried to withhold the great power that coiled in the corded muscles of his thick neck. His Doctor would be busy healing himself after this spar, it would be unwise to gravely injure her now. Indeed, he realized as he took stock of injuries, the healer would have her work cut out for her to mend his wounds. Would that add to her guilt? Or would she feel accomplishment at being so successful in her attacks toward her King? A look at her face told him the answer to such internal musings. There was very little victory to be found in this icy water. A: 3/3 WC: 505 Damage Tracker: Severely bruised left jaw & bleeding gums; cracked right scapula; Summary: Turns back left towards her, keeping right side away from her, and aims horn towards underside of wing/wing-joint. @Alysanne Great fight, Sarah! <3 RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Alysanne - 03-01-2016
thank you so much for the spar, Smitty!! RE: Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne) - Official - 04-11-2016 By my verdict: TEMBOVU is the winner!
ALYSANNE Realism [+2] You started off very strong with a good mind for attack realism, scenery, and stat/breed differences. However this seemed to gradually decline, though your closing defense was still good. I also never see the inclusion of the mist setting, and though the pool of water is mentioned in nearly every post it neither seems to help nor hinder you. I also would have expected more breed/stat differences given how different of build and height they are. Your second post is still good with how well you explain that she receives no damage. I also liked the inclusion of the pool and the motive behind her choosing to buck - and using her wings for balance! However the action was harder to understand, you weren’t quite as concise and at times I struggled to understand who was on what side. Your third post seems to completely drop the use of directional language as you say you take his buck to your side, but not which side. You also do not detail the damage at all other than saying you do not have a cracked rib, but not what you do have, so it was hard to say if you took appropriate damage. I did like that it shoved her into the water though. I also liked the specific use of you saying your right wing, but again you don’t explain much about how you aim this attack at Tembovu. Continue to tie in scenery and breed/stat differences more to bring in more realism and use more directional language and descriptive injuries. Emotion [+2.5] I really loved Alysanne’s emotions during this fight, especially your first post. It was very clear all throughout the fight that she was so afraid of this and confused by it all. I also liked her reactions every time she landed (or missed!) a hit and how she responded when she was struck. I liked the inclusion of her companion in your first post but I wish I would have seen more of their bond throughout the fight, especially with how emotional and distraught Alysanne was getting. P1: “‘You want… me to start?!’ She asked incredulously, shaking her head as she stepped back away from him.” P3: “She did not know how to control such a new emotion but now when she needed it, when she wanted the power it gave her, it had abandoned her and she was left cold with sorrow and regret. Perhaps the chill was just from the air and the cool water she had splashed into, though she certainly felt as though it went deeper. “ “It felt good to hurt, after what she had done to him, and only the knowledge that he could inflict more damage on her kept her going.“ Prose [+3] Beautiful prose all throughout the fight with great use of vocabulary, imagery, and flow. Readability [+2.5] Very readable with good sentence structure and grammar, only a few minor errors. Watch the tendency to start sentences with “But” or “And” as those are minorly incorrect. P1: “Asking had been the hard part and now that he had accepted - a small, fearful smile at the word ‘victim’ the only response she could muster.” (reads off, I think you’re missing a word) P3: “...any more trauma but and to speed…” (remove the but) Finally tally: 38+(10*2)= 58 HP *******************************************
TEMBOVU Realism [+1.5] You also have a good grasp on fighting mechanics and wording. You started off well with good explanations for how her light attack caused so much damage to you (wings are surprisingly sturdy and painful!) - as well as your motivation with how you placed yourself with the pool of water which was great use of surroundings. I also enjoyed Tembovu using experiences from his fight with Nyx. The only issue I had in your first post was that Alysanne attacked you (and you took the injury) on your left side, but then when you return an attack with a rear you aim at your right side with no indication of moving to shift her to that side. Nice use of trying to push her into the water to slow her down! In your second post, your realism took a huge hit with the fact you had her buck break your shoulder. Not only is a broken bone generally heavily frowned upon (best saved for critical hits if at all), but the fact that you said his scapula was broken just made no sense - that is one of the stronger points of a horse’s body, and to have it broken by a horse with a lower strength stat and height was very unrealistic. I would imagine the pain of a broken bone would be excruciating, but Tembovu doesn’t seem very phased and in fact goes right into a forehand turn! You do say he coddles his injured side, but I can’t see how well he could manage this even so, especially not immediately after - adrenaline could be some of an explanation, but you don’t describe that. I did like the way the water droplets flung was an indicator of her incoming attack. Your third post was much stronger with a good explanation of how he took no damage. His horn attack was good and I liked the fact you explained he specifically held back since the spar was supposed to be light - your other attacks never actually said he reserved his power, so this was good to read given the nature of the spar. You mentioned surroundings but didn’t really use them. Just be more mindful of realistic injuries and how those affect you. You did a great job of this with the head injury he sustained! Emotion [+1.5] I definitely felt Tembovu throughout the fight, but it felt very surface layer and just sprinkled here and there around his actions. It was strongest in your first post. It also didn’t fully make sense to me, because he continually mentioned this being a light hearted fight despite the fact he routinely used very strong styles of attack (rear, buck, horn) and himself was injured very heavily. I was also surprised at how little coaching he gave Alysanne given the point of the spar was meant to teach her, knowing she was very shy and experienced - he does explain this a few times as experience being the best teacher etc. so it by no means affected your score, but it read strange to me that he didn’t help and support her more. Prose [+3.5] Really beautiful prose all throughout the fight with great use of vocabulary, imagery, and flow. Here’s some of my favorite lines: P1: “The low rumble was amused, relieved even, at the prospect of a light-hearted spar. In his past life, he had found great pleasure in watching the new recruits— long of leg and lacking of muscle— bumble over themselves on the training grounds; only to, after a time, begin to find themselves and know their bodies.” “A brief bout of lights crossed his vision as his jaw went numb momentarily, before leaping into a punishingly painful throb.” P2: “Here, now, in this misty darkness he did not feel like he was losing a battle to his demons or past.” Readability [+2.5] Very readable with good sentence structure and grammar, only a few minor errors mostly in post 2. Watch the tendency to start sentences with “But” or “And” as those are minorly incorrect. P2: “...he had though the …” (thought) “...point was to for her to learn…” (remove the first to) Finally tally: 48.5+(9*2)= 66.5 HP |