[O] Can we go back? - Printable Version +- HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun (http://helovia.com) +-- Forum: Out of Character (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11) +--- Thread: [O] Can we go back? (/showthread.php?tid=22742) |
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Can we go back? - Rhoa - 02-05-2016
RE: Can we go back? - Ranjiri - 02-05-2016 There was already a chill in the air with the coming Frostfall, so there was really no way that I was going to be leaving the Throat unless I absolutely had to. The last time I had left I got stuck in a blizzard in the meadow and if it hadn't been for Destrier and his dragons I would have frozen to death out there. The prospect of that was more than enough to keep me firmly rooted in the golden sands of the Throat. At times it made me wonder if that was one of the reasons that dad never wanted to leave the Throat. It was pretty warm even when the bitter cold of Frostfall took hold everywhere else. Anyways, confining myself to the Throat gave me time to practice the magic that came with my rank. I wasn't doing any crafting per se, but I was practicing finding the metal that I needed to be able to craft. "Ranjiri!" My concentration broke and the metal under the sand that I'd been trying to raise slipped from the grasp of my magic and I snorted my frustration at myself. How could I expect to be any good at it if someone yelling my name broke my concentration? Wait. Someone was calling my name. I made my way up the dune that I had my back to and once I made it to the top I looked down. It wasn't hard to spot the dark figure on the golden sands and since it was the only one close I figured it was him that had called for me. I started to make my way down the other side of the dune, sliding most of the way to the bottom. "Rhoa?" I asked once I stopped sliding and was able to stand straight again. "What's going on? Is everything okay?" "."
you won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
image creditsclose your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly @Rhoa RE: Can we go back? - Rhoa - 02-05-2016
RE: Can we go back? - Ranjiri - 02-05-2016 I smiled after I asked if everything was alright because of course it was. The day was beautiful, he was back in the Throat, there were no battles raging, everything seemed to be perfect. So when he started to say, what I assumed to be, No my smile faltered and began to fade. No? What could possibly be wrong? was someone hurt? Was he leaving me again? "Rhoa...?" I murmured his name quietly and I reached my muzzle out to him because I could see it in his eyes, then. Panic? "Rhoa, whats...?" "I ... am going to be a father." My smile disappeared completely and I stood staring at Rhoa for a few minutes, just letting the words sink in. He was going to be a father. A father. "...oh..." I whispered. There was a foreign feeling bubbling in my chest. Jealousy? Sadness? A mixture of the two? But why should I feel jealous or sad that Rhoa was going to be a father? It wasn't like I had any claim over him as anything more than a friend. Even if there was that part of me that wanted something more, I still had no claim. Nothing. He... he probably needed comfort. Encouragement. He probably needed to be told that he was going to be a great father to ease his panic. Instead of telling him I bit my tongue and stared. A father. "A father?" I whispered and I tried to put on a smile because I shouldn't feel the weight of sadness. Becoming a parent, I imagined, was supposed to be a happy thing. I should congratulate him, I kept telling myself. I should tell him that he'll be wonderful. I should be happy or excited or anything else but this mixture of sadness and jealousy. "Um..." I mumbled. "Who...? Who is she? Do I know her?" Please, don't let it be someone I know. "."
you won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
image creditsclose your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly @Rhoa RE: Can we go back? - Rhoa - 02-05-2016
RE: Can we go back? - Ranjiri - 02-05-2016 "Glacia. Mauja's daughter .." Neither of the names are familiar to me and for a moment I am relieved. What if it had been someone I knew? What if it had been one of my friends that was going to be the mother of his child? How could I be friends with someone and be jealous of them for having a child together? "I don't.. I don't know her... or him." I finally admitted and I shook my head. Does he love her? The thought struck me and my mouth went dry. What if he did love her? What if he came here to tell me because he loved her and he wanted my blessing? Why would my blessing matter? Why would anything I thought about the entire situation matter if he loved her? I felt like he'd kicked me in the gut and I took in a shaky breath and forced an equally as shaky smile that disappeared almost as soon as I'd tried to force it. "Do you love her?" I asked the question and as soon as I did I wished that I could scoop the words back up and swallow them. I didn't know what I wanted him to say. I didn't know what would hurt more. Yes or no? There was one thing that was certain, and that was that if he said yes that he loved her that I would have to squash whatever feelings I had for him. I couldn't allow myself to feel for a stallion who was in love with someone else. I wouldn't put myself through that type of longing and heartbreak. I wouldn't make her feel the same way I was feeling if they were in love, it was too cruel. Yes or no? What would I do if he said no? How would I feel? Would I be relieved that there was still a chance of something developing? Would I be disappointed that he was having a child with someone he didn't love? "Rhoa...?" Why? "."
you won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
image creditsclose your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly @Rhoa RE: Can we go back? - Rhoa - 02-05-2016
RE: Can we go back? - Ranjiri - 02-05-2016 "No." He said it so quickly that it made me frown. How could you not love someone that you did ... that with? How could you not love someone was was going to be the mother of your child? I didn't understand it because I grew up in a family where there was love. My mother and father might not have stayed together but they had loved one another when they decided to have me. Uncle Archi loved Circe when they were together. Momma loves Lakota and they have my little brother together. How? How could he sire a child with a woman that he was so quick to say that he didn't love. "Does she know?" I asked my next question quietly. "...that you don't love her?" Because my god if she thought he did what would it do to her to find out that he didn't? He tried to explain that it was thoughtless. That he had only just learned her name when it happened, as if that was going to make it better. That it felt like a dream that he didn't think was real. But it was real. It was very real and he was going to be a father. I understood the panic, then. "Is that why you're panicking?" I found myself asking. "Because you figured out that its real? Do you even want to be a father?" My control was slipping, the jealousy that I felt was beginning to slip through and show in my tone and I had to make myself stop talking and asking questions by biting down on my tongue. What good would it do to make him more upset? What good would it do to make him feel worse and make him leave? As upset as I was at the whole situation I didn't want him to leave again. "I'm so sorry." "Me, too." I said because I didn't know what else to say. The more I thought about it and the more it stewed in my mind the more I hated to say congratulations. It seemed inappropriate considering the circumstances. Coupled along with my own feelings I didn't know if I would be able to force the word past my lips without grimacing. "Are you staying here?" Was my next question. "Or... are you going live with your child?" "."
you won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
image creditsclose your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly @Rhoa RE: Can we go back? - Rhoa - 02-19-2016
RE: Can we go back? - Ranjiri - 02-23-2016 Of course he wanted to be a father, that was no surprise to me. I think internally everyone has some kind of desire to have children, but whether it comes from a place of doing it out of love or doing it to continue a bloodline is individual. The apple never falls far from the tree, so how could Rhoa be any different from Gaucho with his desire to procreate? My ears fell back against my head and I snorted to myself as I compared father to son. "But not like this?" Rhoa claimed and I just stared at him. If not like that then how. "Well, its too late to change what happened." I said far too dismissively. "What's done is done and now you have to deal with the consequences." Consequences that were a child that ... that could have been mine in some other universe where my silly little crush was more than that and my feelings were reciprocated. But it hurt to think of it that way, so I forced that thought from my head violently. I didn't need to think about it. I didn't need to dwell on something that would never happen because I would only be hurting myself and I was tired of hurting. So tired. But it seemed as though this whole meeting was just destined from the beginning to be something designed to hurt. When Rhoa finally spoke, when he finally told me this time he would be able to tell my bye I wanted to scream. I felt like he was mocking me from when he'd found me after he finally came back. I wanted to scream at him and hit him and just make him hurt, like it would make me hurt any less or feel any better. It was a part of myself that rarely ever surfaced and when it did it scared me. It took every ounce of strength I had to not go after him, but I trembled. I shook as I stood there glaring. "Don't bother." I hissed between gritted teeth and I turned, then, because I didn't even want to look at him anymore. I wanted to be done with the whole conversation and forget that it ever happened and leave the feelings that I'd had right there in the sand at his hooves. I didn't even bother to look back as I started back up the dune I had come down when he'd called for me. "."
you won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
image creditsclose your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly @Rhoa |