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ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Volterra - 02-13-2016
RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Aquila - 02-21-2016 the tempest of an unrelenting sea
Scaled ears twitched against their pinned residence amid her ridges, lithe legs stuttered in their long and ground-covering trot. Was that a challenge that rent the gentle breeze rippling across these mirrored salt flats? Too large eyes glared into the darkness, reflective retinas well adjusted for low-lighting; though, usually, this low-lighting was beneath the waves. It was odd to feel the adrenaline ripple through her above the surface. Here, there was no cushion of water, no purchase for her webbed hooves in the air; there was no slowing of movements by the thickness of the sea, nor negation of gravity by its buoyancy. But, still… Still, despite her inexperience fighting out of the water, her agile legs twisted and carried her towards the source of the bugle and spray of sandy water. There was an anger in her that had not been satiated by the fall of the Tigress. Vjanta’s death had been too sudden, and the seahorse had had too little blood on her bladed horn to feel truly vindicated. And her anger had grown, with each thwarted attempt to return to her home beneath the waves. It was gone. She was alone. And furious. These gods— how dare they steal her from her culture. Yes, they killed the bitch of a Tigress. But now— a harsh snort tore from her ridged nostrils as unblinking eyes of yellow and aqua find the monolith of a man. The edges of her large vision saw flashes of moonlight on scaled wings, which drew a glow from her aqua stripes. She did not trust anything of the air; predators lurked there. But the wings were small, and so her eyes were trained upon the skulled face and red eyes of the hulking stallion before her. Ridges raised in expectation, sharp fins of her face flared in warning to the demon-eyed beast. Though her head lowered and her sharpened teeth bared slightly, there was a hint of excitement amid her alien, fierce features. She had spent so much time fleeing, seeking asylum. She had missed the passionate dance of battle. Her tail vibrated, surprising herself as the barbs rattled through the cool air— they did not make such a noise beneath the sea. Though, unknown to her, they no longer held their poison. Helovia had stripped her of that gift. “You call for a fight?” Her throaty voice growled, eyes flashing dangerously with the thrill of combat. Unblinking eyes scraped over his body, assessing and measuring as they always did. He was larger, heavier, and presumably adjusted to fighting on land. She was not. Her lithe form and webbed hooves were created for aquatic battle. But, as a warrior, she did not back down from this man or this challenge. “Tiam lukon,” mother tongue hissed from her lips, guttural for a mare. An ear tilted to the skies, listening for the tell-tale sound of whistling wings. And then she was a blur of sand and teal, webbed hooves dragging and spraying water, as her haunches swung around to the right towards the hulking, black stallion. Sharpened edges of her hind hooves struck out towards his chest and left shoulder— but it was her barbs that held the bite of her attack. Her long tail curved, swinging the tip like a club towards the underside of his face. The top was protected by the mask, but the juncture of jaw and neck was tender and vulnerable to the sharp barbs of her tail. This was her place. This felt right. WC: 591 A: 1/3 D: 0/1 Damage Tracker: -- Summary: Sassy Aquila swings her haunches to double barrel Vol in the chest/shoulder and aims the barbs of her tail at the underside of his neck/jaw. *Tiam lukon = "Then fight" or "to fight" RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Volterra - 02-27-2016
Teaching notes: Spelling/grammar - I couldn't spot any errors, which is great! :D Your writing was lovely in this post - you have a distinct style and it's very easy to read whilst also being descriptive. As I always say in teaching spars, just keeping good grammar and spelling throughout is one of the easiest ways to rack up points in the judge's rubric, so it's one of the most important things to focus on. You're already doing that which is fab :) Emotion - Opening fight posts can often be quite dry and hard to pump emotion into, but I think you avoided this trap quite well. Aquila is a unique character and I definitely got a feel of her in this post! I love how you write her alien, aquatic appearance, and I got a basic idea of her reasons behind wanting to fight. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of her posts in this fight. Keep up the good work! Attacks - The attacks themselves were good, especially the one with her spiked tail - I loved that! I also loved the fact that she noticed his skull mask, and specifically aimed for the area below it. It shows that you've properly read my opening post and noticed that he's wearing the skull, which is great! So the idea behind the attacks was really well thought out, especially doing the kick and tail-swing in conjunction with one another. I always enjoy attacks like that, as I find them more realistic than multiple different attacks in one fight post given how short timewise each post actually is. So that part was great! My only problem with both attacks was the lack of 'attempt' words. 'Sharpened edges of her hind hooves struck out towards his chest and left shoulder' and 'Her long tail curved, swinging the tip like a club towards the underside of his face' should both have had mention of attempt/tried etc, otherwise you risk losing points for GM/PP. It sounds like you're assuming they're going to hit, which is a big no no. It's always up to your opponent if/how attacks hit, so always make sure you throw in attempt words just to make sure the judge can't deduct points for GM/PP! Even if it's not intentional, it's better to be safe than sorry. Damage taken - N/A Other - When someone doesn't use their full word count, I usually point that out as well, however I think you covered most bases in this post despite having more than 200 words left to use. One thing I would say is that you could have used your spare words to describe the surroundings some more - the flat sand, the open expanse of ground with no obstacles, etc. She mentioned that she's unused to fighting on land, but how will this affect her? What will she do to counter it? Similarly, although you noted Volterra's superior size and therefore strength, I'd have liked to see some more about how she intends to combat that. Use her lesser size and agility to her advantage, or throw caution to the wind and just try to match him for power? Overall though this was a great fight post I think and you're definitely on the right track :) RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Aquila - 03-08-2016 the tempest of an unrelenting sea
At the hisses and screams from the dragons above, a particularly bright aqua flashed from her stripes, mocha pigment darkening to near black. She did not trust the flighted creatures above— she liked them less than the hulking muscle difference between her and the behemoth she fought. A guttural growl ripped from her scaled throat as her hooves sailed through thin air, missing the intended target of his chest and shoulder. But the growl morphed to a satisfied snarl as she felt the shiny, sharp barbs of her tail rip through the skin of his lower jaw. This terra-treading stallion’s skin was so much easier to slice than those beneath the sea. It lacked flinty scales or hard plates; it was neither rubbery nor spongy. It was just, simply, skin. Victory. She did not know how much poison would rush into his bloodstream, but it would be there. And it would even the odds in her favor— for what was height and strength if you could not use them? Another, satisfied hiss rattled from her as webbed hooves sprayed chilled water upon landing. The satisfaction fled, though, as suddenly there was his hulking body alongside hers, dwarfing her athletic form in his moon-shadow. His heavy neck reached, for a moment the corner of her vision was filled with the thoughts of the tender, sliceable skin beneath it— but then his teeth were connecting with her withers. The plated skin depressed beneath his nipping teeth, the ridges proudly withstanding the blunt teeth of this earth-bound stallion. She felt the burst of superficial capillaries beneath the plates, a sharp twinge that would later settle into an annoying, intermittent ache of shallow bruising on the right side of her withers. A flare of appreciation sparked in her as his massive haunches slammed against her lithe ones— a landed bite and throwing her off balance was an intelligent attack. Her eyes flashed, momentarily searching for the red pits beneath the skull. She had barely felt the heat of that gaze on her plated hide before, so alien was she to anything outside of battle. But now— now she was beginning to feel the heat of the gargantuan stud alongside her. Agile hips stumbled to the left, knocked aside by his great haunches, unused to having to catch her balance. There was no balance in the sea, no clumsy fumbling against gravity. Fighting beneath the waves was elegant. Fighting on land, she was discovering, was not. It was graceless, gauche, and blundering. A low, unhappy sound rolled from her throat. But, still, teeth unleashed as she rose slightly on her haunches. Sharp, front hooves aimed to strike at the sides and backs of the tendons in his forelimbs while gaping, pointed teeth reached for his throat. His skin was so thin, certainly it could not protect the lifeblood pumping his neck or the crucial ligaments in his legs. Ridges rose, but her face-fins were tucked tightly against her throat— it wouldn't do to have them ripped off by this landlubber. Too large eyes watched for her poison to sink in— not knowing that she waited in vain. WC: 526 A: 2/3 D: 0/1 Damage Tracker: lightly bruise right side of withers; Summary: Vol's attack lightly bruises her withers and throws her hips to the left. She rears and strikes out at his legs with her hooves while biting at his neck. Sidenote: I struggled with this a bit. It felt awkward :| Also, I think I made this clear, but there isn't actually poison in her barbs. She just doesn't know that, yet. RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Volterra - 03-19-2016
Teaching notes: Spelling/grammar - Perfect, again! You do a great job writing her. I know this section of the notes suck lmao but you're already so good so there's nothing else I can really say except keep up the good work! :D Emotion - I love her frustration at how hard it is to fight on land - it's really realistic I think for a sea-creature like Aquila to find land-fighting tricky. I think you wrote a good amount of emotion in this post, and I definitely got a sense of Aquila's thought processes. I love how she appreciates Vol's combination of attacks, and you write her eerie, under-sea-ness very well. Attacks - Whilst the idea behind the attacks was good (as I said, I love attacks that occur at the same time) I though they were a bit confusing. 'Sharp, front hooves aimed to strike at the sides and backs of the tendons in his forelimbs'. In my last post, Vol moved parallel to Aquila, his left side to her right side, facing the same way. In your post, you have his slam move her to her left, but as far as I can read, they're still largely parallel, albeit maybe more in a V shape now as I think her hips moved left more than her forequarters? I can't see how Aquila could use her forehooves to get under his body to attack the back of his forelegs. She'd basically have to get underneath him, which isn't feasible with their positioning. I think the confusing part is that you say she's attacking the back as well as the sides of his forelegs, and also you say forelimbS, plural. I just can't see how she could a) attack the back of his legs, and b) attack both forelegs at the same time when she's on his left side - his right foreleg is the opposite side of his body from her. So the attack itself is a good idea - using her sharp hooves to scrape his tendons. But I think it would have been better if you'd specified the attack some more by giving rights/lefts (and you had plenty of words left to do this with!) whilst also refining it down a little. You could have had her just strike at the outside of his left foreleg (as that's the side she's on) and specified where on the leg she's aiming for, what she's trying to do etc. She could even have tried to keep them parallel, and tried to scrape the tip of her right forehoof down the back of his left foreleg by approaching from behind. You definitely had the basics of a good attack, it just needed a bit more specifying! I loved the bite attack, but again I'd liked to have seen more detail about it. As she's towards his left side, I'm assuming she's aiming for the left side of his neck rather than the front, as the front would be inaccessible. So more detail on this would have been good too :) Damage taken - I think you took a good amount of damage for a 1 dice roll, with superficial damage from the bite and slam. However, I'd have liked to see more reasoning as to why the slam didn't cause more damage - in my post, it's stated that he's attacking with intent to barge her over to her left and badly unbalance her. The damage you take is very light, more of a small stumble, which is a fine amount of damage to take BUT it's best to make it clear WHY the attack didn't hit as Vol intended. Did she step away, so there was less of an impact? Did she brace herself against the ground so she wouldn't lose her balance? The fact she just didn't take full damage without an explanation as to why could cause a GM/PP deduction :) Also, be careful with how you write out the order of attacks. In my post, Volterra did his ass-slam first, then a few seconds later he did the bite attack (as he'd initially decided not to bite, then changed his mind, so there would have been a short gap between the two attacks). However, in your post you address the bite attack first, which could result in lost points for realism or GM/PP. It's nothing major, but when I read it it sort of seemed like the bite attack was first, then the slam. Other - Although you clarified in your OOC notes that she isn't actually poisonous, be careful with sentences like this: 'She did not know how much poison would rush into his bloodstream, but it would be there.' To my knowledge, judges don't use OOC notes in their judging, so seeing this sentence without the prior knowledge that she is no longer poisonous could cause a judge to deduct for GM/PP. Again, you're a fantastic writer and you have the grammar/emotion etc. parts down. It's just the finer details of attacks and damage that you can work on, but so far you're doing a brilliant job! You've already improved loads from the Nyx v Tembovu fight c: RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Aquila - 04-01-2016 the tempest of an unrelenting sea
Blood blooms so differently above the waves. Beneath the sea, blood billows out into the salt water, taking delicate and beautiful shapes— artwork dedicated to those who succeed in the martial arts. On land, beneath the sharp edges of her webbed hooves, this giant brute’s blood slips and leaks down his legs towards the earth. It was… almost unsatisfying. What is even more unsatisfying is the taste of the blood droplets that film her sharp teeth. The black behemoth’s movements had brought his pulsing lifeblood out of her snapping jaws, but she still scores small rakes in the meaty muscle of his neck. Usually, such a bite would bring the pleasurable taste of flesh into her mouth. But his blood, the blood of a land-dweller, tastes metallic and dirty. It is heavy, an earthen flavor that coats her tongue and expels out her nostrils. She spits it from her mouth, distaste flashing plainly on her face, replacing the heat she had felt from his closeness and laughter just moments before. Her skin bursts into light as his dragons scream from above, aqua lines bright strips of light against black scales in the moonlit night, making her innate mistrust of flying creatures visibly known. In the sea, flashing lights and bright colors are a warning of danger. Here, on land, it seems that this trait is traitorous. It is an announcement, and open invitation: “Here I am and I feel threatened. Take advantage!” A growl of frustration thunders from her throat— why is he not succumbing to her poison? How is he still on his hooves, fighting? Her eyes widen fractionally— did she no longer have poison in her tail? She no longer ate the deadly fish that was the Akvian delicacy; malsana fish did not live in the waters, here. Were her barbs empty? Were they— Her distracted, panicked thoughts are interrupted by the earth growing beneath her right hoof. In her moment of shock, she breaks the cardinal rule of sparring: never take your eyes off of your opponent. But her overlarge globes cannot help dropping to the rock that suddenly sprouts beneath her hoof. Did the very earth turn against those of the sea? No, it must be him— she scrambles to throw her body to the left, off of this earth-cursed rock, ripping her gaze back to her opponent. “Fikato!*” The snarled curse was cut short as his striking right hoof solidly connects at the juncture of her left jaw and neck. She feels the tear of the sharp, delicate fin tucked there, as well as the sickening separation of plates and scales that give way beneath the colossal hoof. Blue blood wells to the surface as she rights her head, refocuses her dangerously flashing gaze with part of her fin dangling beside her jaw. An alien, unearthly, aquatic scream tears from her throat. And she attacks— the anger at his insult of damaging her fin making her forget that she is on land (despite the sand that flies from his hooves). She crouches and bounds, unleashing the athletic power in her corded haunches, aiming to launch herself beneath his monstrous rear. Her bladed horn arcing and slashing, intending to slice the tender flesh of his belly. If his skin gave so easily beneath her teeth, then surely it would be no match for her horn. Too late does she realize that gravity exists here; that buoyancy does not suspend her opponent above her. An attack that would have worked in the sea could bring her into a deadly position on land. Mid-attack, hisses escape her scaled lips. WC: 604 A: 3/3 D: 0/1 Damage Tracker: lightly bruised right side of withers; bleeding wound and torn wound at juncture of left jaw/neck Summary: She tries to leap beneath his rearing body (oops) and slash open his barrel with her horn. *Fikato= a bad word :x RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Volterra - 04-19-2016
Teaching notes: Spelling/grammar - This post was particularly beautiful. Some of your sentences, like 'Beneath the sea, blood billows out into the salt water, taking delicate and beautiful shapes— artwork dedicated to those who succeed in the martial arts' had me going WOW. You're a really good writer, and as I've said in my previous posts, this part doesn't need any work. You've done a great job :D Emotion - Again, you did great with this part. I especially loved her anger when her fin got damaged, along with her ongoing musings about fighting on land compared to in the sea. Considering this is one of your first fights with her, you seem to know her really well, so you should score highly in this part of the fight. She's a super unique character who I imagine it must be hard to fight with, but you handled it really well. Attacks - I really liked her attack in this post. I loooove brutal attacks to the squishy bits, and I can definitely see her motivation behind the more heavy-handed attack after he hurt her fin. However, as you mention in the post, it's a dangerous technique, as she's now under him and liable for him to slam down on her with his hooves. I like how you noted this in your post as well! I think you described the attack really well, I could completely understand her intentions and what she was trying to do. Attack-wise, I think this was definitely your strongest post out of the three :) Damage taken - You took the damage quite well here, by having her fin get badly damaged. A 4 roll is quite a big hit when you take into account Vol's damage stat, so you were right to take quite a lot of damage. Obviously there's that fine line between taking too MUCH damage as well, especially since he was kicking towards such a valuable area (her head), but you handled it really well. The only thing you didn't incorporate was the sand and blood flying off his leg - I would have liked her to react to this in some way, by narrowing her eyes to prevent it going in them, or by taking some damage from it (such as having her vision blurred). I also would have liked her to remark on the pain of the attack - she just notes that it hit, but doesn't seem to take any pain from it. If this is because she doesn't feel pain in that particular area, then you could have had her think this during the post. Other than that, though, I think you took the right amount of damage for the attack :) Other - You've done a great job in this fight. Grammar and emotionwise, your posts have been totally fine, the only things I can see to work on is the specification of attacks, which you'd already improved on by your last post. Everything else is great, so yay! :D This was a really fun fight and you did really well! RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Aquila - 05-11-2016 the tempest of an unrelenting sea
The behemoth’s shadow changes over her, furiously unblinking eyes watch his giant back hooves scramble backwards in the mirrored sands. Though his movement brings his soft, fleshy barrel out of reach of her horn, it also lulls her into false security— no longer is she trapped beneath this giant (or so she thinks). Her hisses morph to growls of satisfaction as she feels the gritty slip of her bladed horn cut against the grain of his muscle; a fine chest he may have, but no longer would it be unmarked. Too soon is her triumph, too easily does she revel in the warm droplets of earth-scented blood that bathe her ridged forehead— a treat she is unused to, for the sea keeps warriors clean and austere in her arena. This baptism by blood is new, and some back part of her aquatic mind begins to understand the barbaric ferocity emanating from this dark demon. It was so unlike the stringent zeal she had for fighting. But, as red liquid pools beneath her horn, she began to realize the allure. But, in a half breath, her basking is destroyed by monstrous hooves and kicking forelimbs. His left, still leaking blood, does not kick so hard as his right, and so her training throws her muscular body to her right, trying to save her from the brunt of his attack. Her right wither twinges at the movement, the bruise he left earlier growing sorer the longer they duel. But the twinge is nothing, nothing, compared to the carnage that opens on her left shoulder. Aided by gravity— a foe she does not know how to fight— his plunging hooves dig deep into the fleshy muscle beneath her left wither. His landlubber shield scrape away her plates, her now-flashing skin, and expose the pale flesh. They sink into striations— so surprised is her body by the violence of the landed attack that blue blood is slow to well to the wound. But, once there, it gushes forth, drenching her left shoulder and leg with blue. A strange, strangled, rattling cry escapes from her— it is more reptilian than aquatic— as her left knee buckles beneath the brunt of the skulled demon’s weight. But her body, a warrior to the end, does not surrender; no, her right left scrambles, hops, and scrapes into the sand, sending water flying as she struggles to move her body away with on one foreleg. And, just when she thinks she is out of his reach, a sharp and stinging pain laces up her tail. She snorts and jumps, wanting to strike out with her back legs but being unable to balance on her injure forehand. A ferocious snarl unleashes from her bared teeth as her overlarge eyes catch sight of the red dragon attached to her tail. She bends and whips it, seeking to fling free the abhorred, winged lizard and perhaps sting him with her barbs. Her eyes dart to the man, eyes that had once been impressed now appalled and disgusted. “True warriors need not rely on rats of the sky,” her growl is laced with pain, left toe resting limply on the sand as her blood darkens to navy on the flats. Her eyes, so usually large and luminous are dull and narrowed— though her pain makes her coat glow vibrantly against the night. WC: 561 D: 1/1 RE: ad victoriam [vol vs aquila] - Official - 07-04-2016 By my verdict: VOLTERRA is the winner!
Volterra Realism [4] Good job taking into consideration Aquila's difference in species (including natural armor) when describing the opponent and how their fight will pan out in relation to the surroundings. Your attack and damage taking in post 1/3 was spot on. I struggled to think about how you took the damage in post 1/3 because while the descriptions at time seemed as if the wounds were heavy, you chose to downplay the blood and gore of it and up-play Volterra's aloofness here; ultimately, his emotional response (and your lack of noting that it was strange in the face of such pain) combined with Volterra focusing more on what didn't hit him badly (her teeth) versus what did (her hooves) made the high damage seem lesser and you lost some for it. Your third post I struggled with your damage description at first but after another read through it made sense and I thought your account for previous injury, attack choice and description were all very well done so it balanced. Emotion [2.5] Volterra's excitement is evident as soon as Aquila shows up. You are true to his character and his love of battle. I can't say that this was a 3 because it simply did not fit the qualifications for that, because as a whole this was not a very emotionally charged battle and didn't elicit strong emotions for me as a reader, but I did appreciate how consistent his responses were and in 3/3 you really ramped it up. Prose [4.5] Your prose was in line with Volterra's character and very well written overall. His descriptions of injury in particular were beautiful even in their gore. You had a really good use of adjectival choice for this that made it feel raw. I marked an example of this below. 3/3: "He begins to lower his almighty bulk downwards ... and roar his fury." Readability [1.5] Very clear and easy to understand. I appreciate how in depth you were when describing attacks so I could get a sense of exactly where Volterra was and what he was trying to do. I did not feel as though your style interfered with my understanding of the battle for the most part, but the overuse of italicization (often for words that didn't seem particularly important) did interrupt the flow for me often so it's marked here as well. 2/3: "Whether he does so for their battle prowess or for their simmering beauty, his eyes are free to roam where they please" 2/3: Check out the second to last paragraph here for one example of your italicization and how it might get confusing. This is present throughout but in this short paragraph it's used a lot and messes you up in not just for emphasis but for companion communication, which made it unclear as to exactly what was going on. Perhaps if you plan to use italicization for emphasis so much you should consider another way to show companion interaction. 3/3: "dragon attempts to wrap his jaws around the part of Aquila's tail just below" Finally tally: 48 + (12.5*2) = 73 HP *******************************************
Aquila Realism [4] Good job taking into account the surroundings and how that related to Aquila's experiences fighting underwater. I struggled to understand the first attack some in terms of how she moved. Your damage in 1/3 was spot on--for any other opponent taking both a bruise and off-balancing might have been too much, but you carefully took into account Volterra's high damage stat here and it showed. At first I saw your attack in 3/3 and I was like What? Volterra's tall but not that tall but then I kept reading and thought it was very clever how you used her lack of experience on land and made a poor choice of attack when it was more realistic for her to be bad at fighting in that situation. Your closing defense was clear and good in terms of damage. Emotion [2.5] Aquila's frustration with having to fight above ground is so present. She isn't in her element and it shows with her short-temperedness as she fights, and your language supports this. You start off with her frustration with the Rift fights and that sort of anger carries through, keeping it true to her character, and as she slowly starts to unravel and learn that she can't fight the same up here (particularly in 3/3) the emotion ramps up. Prose [4.5] I love your adjective choice, I think the language you use for Aquila's descriptions is really unique and also makes sense given where she comes from. I think given that this is a spar and you need words to contribute to clarity I would think about reallocating some of that beautiful language to delineation, but you could also just use the rest of the wordcount to do so. Overall though your style was great and really shined here. 3/3: "Blood blooms ... almost unsatisfying" Readability [1.5] Overall quite easy to read. A good balance of flow that worked well with your prose section but was still clear to read. I would urge you to be more clear when discussing your attacks; getting a bit more technical with that language is fine and knowing positioning will help a judge. This didn't get in the way much but at the beginning of the fight I noticed you could have been clearer at times. As I noted with Volterra also, I would maybe pay closer attention to when you choose to italicize though, since it can interrupt the flow of a sentence. 2/3: Too large eyes watched for her poison to sink in— not knowing that she waited in vain. Finally tally: 31 + (12.5*2) = 56 HP |