raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Printable Version +- HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun (http://helovia.com) +-- Forum: Out of Character (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11) +---- Forum: Battle Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=64) +---- Thread: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] (/showthread.php?tid=23372) |
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raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Volterra - 03-22-2016
RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Orithia - 03-22-2016
The light crusting of snow crunched beneath her hoof falls as the moon watched, the frigid mistress cool and composed upon her shadowy pedestal. The stars gazed down at the pale mare balefully, pin pricks of light like so many forgotten gods as clouds slid over the sky's visage. There was nothing kind about this night, there was nothing peaceful about the silence that crept along the spines of strangers. Not that she minded. She was a pale ghost wreathed in mists, a wraith painted upon a silver edged dreamscape; and she would admit, she reveled in the haunting feel of her surroundings. In fact, one could even say the winged serpent was enjoying herself. There was a dark chuckle that came rumbling up from her chest and sprouted from parted coral lips. Those self same lips had twisted upward into a crude caricature of glee as the woman continued her midnight stroll; how far she had come from the pleasure houses of her birth and how terrified the denizens of that sanded city must be to know that one day they would see her once more. How she craved the tang of blood and the pull of muscle. It had been several long weeks since her Elephant King and she had thrown themselves at one another. They had been a pair of banshees rippling in and out of the past as they battled both one another and the demons that had made homes of their minds. Another chuckle snaked out and into the chilled air as she toyed with the thought of being nothing more than a haunted house; something empty and volatile that was only standing due to the courtesy of whatever cruel entity deigned to occupy it. Aesthetic. Yet her thoughts were interrupted by a deafening bellow not even two wingspans to her left. Ears tilting to the side while her wings tightened against her ribs, Orithia caught the scent of a stallion and felt her lips twist into a smirk at the delightful timing. Moving toward what she could now see was a behemoth made of black and white skin, the mare let her hips sway freely, invitingly. Molding her countenance into one of demure interest, the ivory rose puckered her lips and tucked away her thorns. If only for the moment. "Why, what treasure have I stumbled across? Can Frostfall truly be so kind?" Her voice was a honeyed purr, a delectable and tantalizing mix of allure and anonymity as she sidled up to the stranger's well-muscled left side. Pressing the length of her body against his, the mare stretched up to where her lips brushed a shadowed cheek, "Was it me you were calling for, darling? Was it my name you want on your lips?" The moment the last syllable fell from her tongue, the mare lunged, her jaws reaching for the stallion's jugular without so much as a thought for caution. Half-assed foreplay just wasn't her goal tonight. Attack; 1/3 Words; < 800 Summary; she flirts and lunged for his throat with her lil teefers @Volterra you can use vadir and verzes, sure! and yeah, whatever, throw all the magic at me ^.^ RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Volterra - 04-09-2016
Teaching notes: Spelling/grammar - Overall it was really good! I only noticed one error ('pin pricks of light' - 'Pinpricks' is one word) so that's a really good sign that you proof-read your post. Your writing style is beautiful and descriptive, so I can definitely see you scoring highly in the prose/readibility sections. Right away that's a few easy points you'll earn in the judging rubric, so keep up the good work! I always say that proof-reading your posts and removing spelling/grammar errors is the easiest way to rack up points in the judging rubric, so it's great to see you're already doing that. Emotion - First posts in fights can be tough to pump emotion into, but I felt you did a good job here. I got a definite feeling of Orithia and her motives, and especially her flirtatious nature! I particularly loved how she got her flirt on before she attacked, using her talents to her advantage. She's an interesting character to read, and I'm looking forward to reading her other posts in this fight :D So regarding your overall writing, you're already doing a really good job - it's only the more technical 'fighty bits' that you can work on (see below). Attacks - I loved the idea behind the attack - having her get her flirt on to lull him into a false sense of security before she attacks is, as I said above, a great idea. However, there's just a few things that could be improved. Firstly, there's a minor GM/PP - 'the mare lunged, her jaws reaching for the stallion's jugular without so much as a thought for caution.' This should have a mention of attempt, as otherwise it can seem like it definitely hits, which the judge may deduct for. It's always the defending character who decides if the attack hits and, if so, how much damage they take. Those attempt words can look ugly, but it's always best to get them in to remove any possibility of you being pulled up for GM/PP! Secondly, the attack itself could do with some refining. Where abouts on his jugular is she aiming? It's always best to specify the exact region - top, bottom, right, left. If she's on his left side, it'd be hard for her to really reach his jugular vein, especially bearing in mind his superior size. There is the vein, so if this is what she's aiming for then realistically she'd have to move forwards and turn her head to the right, rather than just attacking from where she's standing. Also, given her blunt horse teeth, it'd be hard for her to gain any sort of grip on that area, so I'd have liked to see more description about what she's actually trying to do with her attack. So you had the main basis of a good attack down, but you could just have specified a little bit more to make sure the attack is crystal clear in the eye of the judge :) Damage taken - N/A Other - Overall, this is a good fight post. Just be careful of some more minor PP: ' as she sidled up to the stranger's well-muscled left side' 'Pressing the length of her body against his,' and ' the mare stretched up to where her lips brushed a shadowed cheek' should all have mentions of 'attempt/tried/aimed' etc, as it's always up to the other character if your character succeeds in touching them. It's reasonably minor, but just make sure to keep an eye on stuff like this, as you don't want to give the judge any excuse to take points off you for GM/PP :) I would also have liked to see her remark on the surroundings a bit. She's a pegasus, so how will the tight trees affect her? Will she still try to fly, or resign herself to fighting on the ground? If the latter, how will she do this? RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Orithia - 05-05-2016
She had been so close. A guttural scream laced with frustration and rage ripped from the mare's lips as her teeth slid ineffectually from the stallion's bulging neck. Pastel eyes glinted with her monstrous craving for battle, for the ebb and flow of adrenaline, for the risk and reward of blood stained skin. He turned his scarlet gaze on her, those burning orbs once clouded with lust were now clear and focused - the jig was up and the assault had began. The rose matched his lethal grin with one of her own, and laughter - cruel and cold and alive - spilled from those blushed lips. That tinkling laughter was wild, unknown and untamed as its owner sped toward what could very well be her destruction; there was no place she would rather be, there was no place she would rather die than cradled in a womb of brutality. How could she help it? How would she ever be able to escape the sickly sweet embrace of battle? There would never be another, there could never be another comfort like this, control like this. She watched, careful and overjoyed as the behemoth stallion swung his weight toward her side, her grin stretching wider. The strike would have been punishing, an exceedingly masculine blow filled with what could only be the rage of betrayal - or the humiliated retaliation of a stallion scorned. Orithia danced away from the blow and to the left, a graceful and battle-born wraith, another bout of chiming laughter burst forth as disdain practically oozed from her lithe frame. Oh, the simple, beautiful giant; what a blessing he was in his monstrous size and testosterone-dosed brain. How lucky she was as she waltzed away from his body that she happened to also waltz out of reach of his jaws. She felt the breeze and stirrings of her mane as the Goliath ripped a flower from its place near her poll. A hiss crept unbidden from between bared teeth and the fair maiden felt a flare of shock in her chest; her Goliath was quicker than she had bargained for. What a treat. Prancing steps led the mare's left wing to press lightly against the rough bark of a tree, and for a moment the pale maiden was lost in considering her environment; how could she use her wings here? Could she use her wings here? Would they again be used as shields? Less necessary appendages to absorb blows that would normally be crippling? She took a moment to glance down at her left wing, at the scars that cut through the feathers of her joint and the thin white lines of damaged and cauterized skin. Was it worth it to destroy the one true tie to freedom that she possesse-- A shriek shot through with surprise and pain filled the spaces between trees as a flying Fury flooded her, fire igniting in her belly and racing along her veins in a relentless inferno; yet she smiled all the same. She didn't bother to check what was sure to be a series of gaping wounds before she rounded on the stallion, a gleeful promise for murder written across her face. "Darling Goliath!" She called to him, her voice honey and cyanide, "Your pet has found its mark while you've proven your incompetence. It makes me wonder..." There was a dangerous twist to her hips as she took a step in his direction, the trees leaning in to hear her voice as it dropped to a svelte whisper, eyes trained pointedly on the stallion's groin, "Are you incompetent elsewhere?" There was no time wasted between the quip and her attack as the lithe warrior leapt toward her Goliath, wings tucked tight against her sides and lacerations trailing blood upon the earthen floor. Again, her jaws opened wide, a feigned strike toward the stallion's underbelly. Hopefully before the stallion could react, the pastel mare reared back onto her hind legs, front hooves lashing out in an attempt to clout the left side of the mammoth beast's ribcage. Pray tell, am I the incompetent one? Attack; 2/3 Words; 730 Summary; Ori attempted to close the gap between her and Vol, feigning a bite toward his junk/tummy and then rearing back to punch him in the ribs with her hoofs Damage; im not sure how many claws your bby has on each lil lizard hand so I'm gonna say four lacerations about 3 inches long and an inch deep - does that sound right?? @Volterra SORRY FOR THE WAIT IM THE WORST OKAY so I thought it would be helpful to catalogue my thoughts and reactions while writing as well so I can learn better and you can maybe suggest things? C: SO I really wanted to put the screeching of the dragons in the post but I couldn't quite find a way to fit it in between her reaction to vols reaction. For some reason I am having a lot of trouble letting Ori focus on more than one thing at a time as far as sparring goes - like RP tunnel vision? Do you have any ideas or suggestions for that? Also I'm not sure if the mood is consistent with my previous post as far as reading it goes. I think it matches up alright but for some reason, even though I had a ton of fun writing it, the post was extremely difficult and I felt like I was forcing a lot of the writing. Does it read like that? RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Volterra - 05-21-2016
ORI That's a really good idea, feel free to ask any questions! :D SO I really wanted to put the screeching of the dragons in the post but I couldn't quite find a way to fit it in between her reaction to vols reaction. For some reason I am having a lot of trouble letting Ori focus on more than one thing at a time as far as sparring goes - like RP tunnel vision? Do you have any ideas or suggestions for that? -- This is something I often struggle with, too, and I'm sure most other fighters do as well! Usually, I don't include every single thing that happens in a fight post. You just don't get enough words, and shoehorning stuff in can disrupt the flow of the post, so I wouldn't worry too much about not including the dragon screeches. With the tunnel vision, again I wouldn't worry too much about this. Realistically, a character probably wouldn't be able to concentrate on too many things in a fight, and the only time you ever really have to is when your opponent performs two attacks simultaneously (like a kick and a bite at the same time). If I was you, rather than worrying about her inability to focus, I'd actually incorporate this into your posts! Write about how she struggles to concentrate on more than one thing - maybe use this as a reason some attacks hit, but also have her muse on what she can do to improve. Then, in later fights when she's got more practice, it's IC that she'd begin to improve in this aspect. That character development should go down well with the judges! OOCly, I didn't see any issues with this in your post and you addressed everything that I thought was important, so as I say I really wouldn't worry <3 Also I'm not sure if the mood is consistent with my previous post as far as reading it goes. I think it matches up alright but for some reason, even though I had a ton of fun writing it, the post was extremely difficult and I felt like I was forcing a lot of the writing. Does it read like that? -- I actually thought her emotions in both posts matched up really well! She's a joy to read (see my squeeing below) and in both posts I definitely picked up her bloodthirstyness. I read her history after reading this post and the way she reacted is definitely what I'd expect given her past. It didn't seem forced at all, you did really well and as I say below, you definitely don't have much you need to improve on when it comes to the writing and emotional side of sparring :) Teaching notes: Spelling/grammar - Damn, your writing is beautiful and I have all the envies. Seriously, I LOVE how you write her. Your sentences are so poetic and flowing and truly a pleasure to read. I didn't spot any errors, and everything flowed really well. Emotion - I THINK I LOVE ORI. I love how she insulted and riled him, and I was giggling to myself at her 'incompetent' comment. Vol be like :[ :[ but I love it! As I said, you write her fantastically, and all the way through the post I got a great sense of her character and motivations. Attacks - 'She didn't bother to check what was sure to be a series of gaping wounds before she rounded on the stallion' and 'There was a dangerous twist to her hips as she took a step in his direction' - these statements were rather vague. In a normal thread, it wouldn't be an issue, but in a fight you want to make sure you specify every movement you make. How does she round on him? When you say a step in his direction, is that just a step to her right? As of my last post, they're stood parallel, his left side to her right, facing the same way, and as per your post she now has a tree on her left side which would restrict her movement. You then have her glance at his groin, which would be difficult given their positions - she'd have to turn her head riiiight around to the right. Overall, then, this series of movements isn't very clear - are their positions still the same, or has she tried to bring them face to face? Just make sure you refine your movements a bit more and be extra specific with rights/lefts etc :) As for the attacks, I love the ideas behind them but I think they need a bit more detail! You say she leapt towards him, but bear in mind how limited the space between them is (so much so that he managed to touch a flower on her mane and she's also got a tree on her other side) - there wouldn't be much space for any leaping. The fact she feigns a strike for his underside (I LOVE FEINTS so this was A+) and then rears up to try and hit the left side of his ribcage implies that she's now facing his side in a T-shape rather than stood parallel, but you don't explicitly state this and so it can be a bit confusing for the casual reader to follow. Damage taken - Although I like that you took damage from the dragon, I do think it was a bit unrealistic for her to have dodged both of Vol's physical attacks. There's only a small amount of space between them, so for her to have realised he was attacking and then have time to move out of the way is somewhat stretching the timelines. I would have liked to see more description of how she managed to get out of the way, rather than just saying she did - did she guess he'd attack like that, and move in anticipation? This would have made more sense to me than having her just manage to move out of the way given their close proximity. I thought that the damage you took from the dragon was realistic and well-written, so that was great! With regards to the claw depth and damage etc, I've never actually thought about that lmfao but four sounds about right! Other - I loved that you mentioned her wings, and how she'll use them (or not use them) and her reasons! RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Orithia - 07-04-2016
She really did need to stop fighting in forests. The rush of success thrilled through her veins for a mere moment as her hooves struck true, but yet again, her Goliath proved more agile than his looks would present. Pastel hooves had only just pressed against the soft earth when the mammoth stallion whirled, flinging his back hooves out in a savage strike toward her chest. Eyes narrowed in the split second of anticipation before his shod hooves met her pristine white flesh, the pressure and impact smashing into her from the points of her shoulders to the lower end of her breast. Breath whooshing from her lungs in a gasp, the dove bared her teeth in anger and pain, her rump and hocks scraping against the rough bark of a tree. Oh, how the joyous rage did flow beneath the onslaught of glittering-shoed hooves and tonnes of musculature. Orithia could already feel the smarting muscles of her chest begin to swell and spasm; had the towering stranger succeeded in hindering her movement so easily? Would she be hobbled against his might here between misted trees? With a sharp hiss and a low grunt, the mare tucked her wings tighter against her barrel, the bruising mass of her chest pounding with each beat of her ashen heart. Her lips pressed together in a stubborn attempt to prevent words from sliding out; as venomous and hateful they would be, the serpentine mare knew that the behemoth would only add her anger to his sense of triumph. Teeth gritting and muscles about her rump and jaw tensing, Orithia eyed the deliciously sensitive spot between the stallion's thighs for a moment, knowing that beneath that thick tangle of tail, a gelding could be created. Victorious in this fight or no, there wasn't a stallion alive that could brag about his successes after being castrated by their opponent. With a baleful grin, the pale maiden took a step closer, farther into the realm of likely injury and closer to the goal she had chosen. Her dished skull snaked forth toward her opponent's exposed backside, jaws agape and reaching toward her trophy. The muscles of her breast protested each movement with a vehemence that only proved to motivate the ferocious lass; her darling Goliath would pay dearly for the grievance he had stamped into her skin. There was a wild spark of vindictive glee within the mare's mind; his height may have been a disadvantage when reaching for his neck, but when lashing out at his manhood? A lovely coincidence in placement. The blushed pegasus had to resist the urge to laugh, she was not out of the woods - or maybe she should say 'tail?' - quite yet, and even if she could snip away a stallion's most prized possession, who was to say his retaliation wouldn't be her demise? In spite of this knowledge, the mare did not hesitate in her action, did not falter as the possibility of further massacre or defeat rushed toward her; for what else was there in battle than victory or loss? What else was there to live for if not the thrill of a win or the determination birthed by failure? There was only one constant in the life of a warrior, a scrapper, a gods-be-damned serpent-tongued ex-whore-turned-shield-maiden, and it was insatiable. Many called it Blood Madness, others knew it as Berserk, Battle Drunk, Crazed, Fury Tranced, but those that waded through the life fraught with bruises and blood only knew its true moniker: Alive. Attack; 3/3 Words; <800 Summary; Ori steps back into the game by literally trying to shove her face between Vol's thighs and castrate him with her teeth (sorry shes the worst) Damage; Vol's strike gave some really deep bruises on Ori's chest and the forced shoved her back into a tree trunk where her rump and hocks go scraped a lil. @Volterra RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Volterra - 07-11-2016
Teaching notes: Spelling/grammar/prose - This section is actually kinda pointless in this fight lmao as you're doing so well in it. You're a really good writer, and you manage to keep this up even in a fight. Some sentences like 'the bruising mass of her chest pounding with each beat of her ashen heart' and 'What else was there to live for if not the thrill of a win or the determination birthed by failure?' were just <33333333. Seriously, keep up the good work. You've got this part nailed down, it's literally just the mechanical bits of fighting now. You should be super proud :) Emotion - This was a really strong post emotion-wise, I thought. Her vindictive train of thought about snipping off his man-bits was pretty brutal to read (Vol was literally wincing in my head) but so true to her character. Like I've said above, you've got this particular section down really well, and you should definitely score highly in it. Describing her as 'a gods-be-damned serpent-tongued ex-whore-turned-shield-maiden' made me giggle but also totally understand where she was coming from, and I loved it. Attacks - I love brutal attacks like these, and I was torn between lol-ing and being disgusted by it - mostly lol-ing though xD Poor Vol was like >:[ and :O and :OOO all in one. However, there's a couple of reasons why I don't think it would actually have worked, as much as I'm sure 99% of Helovia's population hoped it would xP Firstly, a horse's teeth are blunt. Now, I don't know a great deal about the gelding process (even though I'm not male it makes me wince xD) but I'm assuming the tools used are sharp, not blunt. To chop off that particular area with a blunt instrument, it would take one hell of a blow. Anatomically, it's quite tucked up and neat (in comparison to, say, a cat, where they're just THERE IN YOUR FACE) so even if her attack did hit, she'd probably just bruise them, not sever them. That'd be painful and make Vol cry like a little girl, but it wouldn't remove them as intended. You'd probably have been better trying to make her just injure them, not remove them. Secondly, the timing is a little bit confusing. For his bits to be visible, it implies he's still bucking, but she's already taken the damage from his buck attack. Therefore, she wouldn't actually be able to see his balls from behind him, because if he's back on all fours, his tail would be obscuring them (she even notes this herself: 'knowing that beneath that thick tangle of tail, a gelding could be created.'). So this was a bit vague overall. Thirdly, accessing them would be very difficult, even if she's stood directly behind him. She'd need to get past his tail and thighs just to be in with a chance, and it'd take an awkward bit of positioning even to get close. So whilst I loved the idea, it would have worked better if she'd been facing his side, or if she'd have just tried to bruise them rather than snip them off. Unique attacks are A+, but make sure they're physically feasible to prevent point deductions for realism. Damage taken - Vol only rolled a 1 for damage, and despite his high damage stat, I think you actually took a bit TOO much damage here. Taking the full force of his hooves directly to her chest is, imo, more of a 3/4-roll damage, as it's going to seriously impact her movement and possibly even her breathing. Bearing in mind that he's also wearing attack-enhancing horseshoes on his back feet, you really want to avoid taking the full impact of them. You then also had her butt and leg scrape against a tree, adding more damage. It's a delicate balancing act, deciding how much damage to take - just remember to take your opponent's damage stat into account, but also look at the roll as the main way of judging. A 1 is the lowest damage that can be rolled, so even if your opponent's got a high damage stat, you shouldn't take serious damage from it. In your situation, I personally would have had Orithia move to one side and, as a result, had just one of Vol's back hooves hit; this would have created a medium-depth bruise that would reflect his high damage stat, but wouldn't incapacitate her. Other - You did really well in this fight - I can't say it enough. Just a few tweaks on the more technical 'fighty' bits and you'll make an amazing fighter. I really enjoyed this fight (except for having to google a stallion's anatomy to double check that I had the right idea xD) so thank you, hopefully we can spar again in the future <3 RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Orithia - 07-14-2016
So close was she to her goal, yet the wild thicket of tail and the stallion's jerky movements foiled her plans for castration. She barely had time to spit out the chunk of the behemoth's tail before the dove watched what may very well have been her fate speeding toward her in the shape diamond-decked hooves. In any other creature, panic may have ensued, seized their mind and held them still in bonds of fear and defeat. Yet, the Massacre-ess of Uumalah had been the beneficiary of far worse wounds than that of broken ribs and bruised flesh. In days forward, the mare may think back upon the Colossus and the fury he stoked within his heart, how he had shared it with her through traded blows and a lust for victory. In days forward, the mare may not think at all, she may lay dead upon the earth, finally broken at the behest of a towering, unnamed demon who had demanded the price of her treachery be paid in blood. Yet, it was not in days forward as the pale maiden reacted, it was in moments present, in the tiny crannies between heartbeats and the pain-laced exhalations through parted lips. In her final moments of decision, the last few milliseconds before hoof met flesh, Orithia chose one last act of defiance. She could care less if the action left her defeated, she only cared that the action was hers, that the Goliath did not hold enough power over her injured form to decide where next he could inflict his wrath. So she reared back, wings aching to flare, to lift her from harm and to cradle her within the star-speckled sky. Yet a grounded dove she remained, trees leaning in to trap her within a cage of crooked and spined foliage. The moment seemed to slow, the perception of the maiden lengthening into an endless experience. Distantly, she felt the skin along the front of her forelegs and fetlock joints smart and sting as it was shorn away beneath the behemoth's strike. It was as if she had tucked her reality away, watching from the observation deck of her mind as the punishing blow fell upon the ribs about her girth, felt the ribs crack and groan beneath the onslaught. Breath fled from her lungs, shoved out and away under the force of a goliath's hooves. Orithia couldn't summon her voice, could barely summon control over her body as gravity pushed her front half back toward the grassy, misted earth. As pink-tinged hooves met the soft ground, sensation rushed back into reality, crashed over the mare in a flood of agony and white-hot disdain. If she could speak, if she could have moved, she would. She would have spat her rebellion at the stallion, would have let him writhe beneath the starlight, wallow in his victory. She couldn't, though. The pain was too much, it held her hostage, pressed against her at all angles as she gulped down air the best she could. Through a black haze of pain, Orithia turned her gaze upon the stallion, too fearful of her condition's severity to move her rump from it's place against the rough bark of the tree, too fearful of the stallion's intent now that she was wounded beyond fleeing. A hiss cut through the air toward his onyx form, rage and opposition palpable in each line of the dove's tensed frame. Venom coated her tongue and the mare wished beyond all measure that she could find enough oxygen to speak, to press her verbal blade against the stallion's throat and slice away at that self-assured sense of arrogance, at that provocative sense of hate. Gasps slid through trembling nostrils, small sprays of blood coating her delicate maw in a fine film of scarlet. You have not mastered me, She screamed from within, eyes ablaze and drilling through the skull of her opponent, You hold no sway here. No matter who you are, no matter what you think, I am mine. Summary; SOMEONE GOT THEIT BUTT KICCCKKKKEEEDDDDDD Thanks for this amazing experience, Snow<3 @Volterra RE: raise hell and turn it up [vol vs orithia] - Jen - 07-15-2016 Greater than 20 HP, Volterra wins. 1.5 VP to Vol, 1 EXP to Orithia. |