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[JUDGED] gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Printable Version

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gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Volterra - 07-24-2016


V O L T E R R A
IF IT FEELS GOOD, TASTES GOOD, IT MUST BE MINE
HEROES ALWAYS GET REMEMBERED BUT YOU KNOW LEGENDS NEVER DIE

The behemoth cannot remember a Tallsun this hot. It is bordering on unbearable, especially for one as unfortunately black as himself. He longs for the welcome frigid bliss of winter, or even the chilly breezes of autumn. Anything except this; days without end, nights too short to offer any reprieve.

A sensible man would spend his time reclining beneath the trees, hiding away from the sweltering warmth. A sensible man would lurk close to water, to ensure he keeps hydrated. A sensible man would not even consider fighting in these scorching temperatures, for fear he could collapse and die of sunstroke.

But when has Volterra ever been a sensible man?

He has fought in every condition he can possibly think of; rain, storm, wind, blizzard. He has fought in caves, in hock-deep snow, up mountains, in forests. The only thing he hasn't fought in is heat like this, because the notion of it fills him with dread. He hates being hot, and has put off sparring in the summer sauna as long as he possibly can. But he is a warlord in the making, a budding king of the battlefield - he must conquer every type of weather, even this, which is easily his least favourite. It is going to be blisteringly hot, sweaty and uncomfortable, but it must be done.

Now, the only thing is to try and find somebody as stupid as himself, to take as an opponent.

So as to truly compound his suffering, the beast brings himself south, where the temperatures roam even higher than his favoured haunts in the north. Already his skin is soaking wet as he moves at an earth-shaking trot, muscles rippling beneath sweat-drenched flesh and mane hanging in damp strands across his face. The air is heavy with heat, and his nostrils struggle to inhale it as he strides towards the Flats. This fight is not going to be easy, even though the great monolith has never felt stronger. But it is necessary. Experience of sparring in such heat could prove the difference between victory and defeat in the future.

Vérzés is perched upon his back, utilising his frost breath every few seconds to try and cool the air around his bonded. Vadir flies next to the behemoth black and her red brother, her golden scales glimmering hauntingly in the sunlight. She is massive now; a fully grown queen and the largest bonded dragon Volterra has ever seen. She's found her mental voice, too, and it is a strange feminine presence in his mind. He wonders whether he will allow the dragons to help him today, or whether he will do this alone.

He pauses in the centre of the Flats and lifts his goliath head to call for an opponent; his foe will no doubt think him mad, but it is necessary.

_______________

Teaching spar for @Kiuaji !

Set in the Halcyon Flats on a scorching summer's day. Feel free to have first attack! Up to you if you want magic and companions. :D

0/3 - 472 words

image credits



RE: gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Kiuaji - 07-24-2016



Helovian's are terribly weak when it comes to just a dash too much sun, where the air is dry on the tongue and the wind is harsh upon their bodies, wilting them with it's scorching caress. This is the weather Kiuaji was born into, unforgiving temperatures which reduce the weak to naught but dust and a feast for the carrion birds. He revels the suns unforgiving rays, allows it to wash over him to chase away any lingering chill the extended winter and cooled spring still held on his bones.

His feminine frame cuts a splendid vision, an ethereal mirage of sinful promises and tender caresses, curves swaying as his effortless stride takes him across the flats. The Edge has grown rather dull as of late, whether it's him missing out on all the delicious gossip and tension filled gatherings or they have all fizzled out in the heat. Wilted to a terrible, boring, disappointing stop as they scurry to find the last places still remotely chilly within their misty abode. No, Kiuaji hungers to sink his teeth into something truly mouth watering, press his ears forward from his silken strands to listen to gravel rough tones banter against his purring lilt.

Matanye is in the air above him, her broad wings allowing her to simply glide upon the heated currents beneath her banded feathers. She's grown into a splendid thing, the jewel of Kiuaji's eyes, she is deadly and precise — and utterly infuriating when she wants to be. It's she who spies the leviathan and his scaled convoy in the distance before Kiuaji does. Uttering a shrill, ear piercing cry that ripples across the flats and draws purple eyes to look beyond the mirrored perfection reflected back at him beneath his hooves.

A call that's all too familiar reaches his ears and he finds himself with a smirk playing upon his white lipped muzzle, ah, a warrior's cry. How often had he heard that before? How often had he lounged by the sidelines and watched stallion's of rippling muscles and unconstrained blood lust try and crush one another to show their power. Admittedly, while it's a delicious spectacle for the eyes, there is just something so tantalizing about having that body press up close against his own, feeling the rippling power against his sandy hide as he throws himself into the thick of it.

As they draw closer and closer, it becomes obvious that this stallion is a fine, sculpted specimen that Kiuaji definitely wouldn't mind sinking his teeth into. The kind of warlord that the Poisoner definitely wouldn't mind spending days sprawled out against, like some expensive, deceptive courtesan of the sands. Alas, and a disappointed sigh escapes the androgynous stallion's lips, he wants a fight, not a tussle in the hay, perhaps that can come later.

If the brute can be swayed to such advances. It would be such a pity if he didn't at least get to have a little nibble.

 "My my," His purring, silken chords sail across the heated winds to where the black painted stallion and his Dragon's stand,  "the sands have brought me many, many gifts, but they haven't brought me anything so handsome in a long, long time." The Sleuth croons, crowned head tilting to better roam over the black stallion's form. He stops a short distance away, it's a battlefield, isn't it? As much as he would like to give that thick neck of his a ghosting of his lips, he knows better than to get too close and touch the fruit, at least right now. Matanye circles over head, her black eyes warily assessing the winged reptilians, he gives her a mental note to stay away, stay high and watch. Be his eyes above the battle, while he trusts her strength, these mythical creatures are a level that she cannot ascend to, much to her anger.

As much as he would like to stay and chat, maybe get his name before he cuts him to ribbons, he doubts the boy has little patience for more chit chat. He seems the type, and Aji is ever happy to give people what they want. He's quick to advance after a moment of silence, long legs spurred into a ground covering canter as his head begins to lower, deadly spires ready to be angled and punctured into supple flesh. His right approaches the beast's left, accelerating at the last moment as he nears the stallion's barrel and shirks his head to the side and up, aiming to drive his spires into a well toned shoulder and rake it along his side.

 "You know my dear, I never did catch your name." Comes his flirting remark, unable to help but continue his lilted advances of the other kind.



 "talk talk talk"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1/3 - 795 Words

Summary; decides he's going to try and make Volterra having a sexuality crisis (once he's figured out he's a dude ;D) has a little bit of flirty banter before he begins to charge Volterra to start the fight. Approaches on Volterra's left with his right side, lowers his head as he moves closer. Preparing to try and puncture Volterra's left shoulder to ribbons and rake his horns down his barrel, when he jerks his head up as he's passing.



Some hearts are a desert you can die wandering in


Credits: Image by Littlewillow-Art @ DA


@Volterra


RE: gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Volterra - 07-28-2016


V O L T E R R A
IF IT FEELS GOOD, TASTES GOOD, IT MUST BE MINE
HEROES ALWAYS GET REMEMBERED BUT YOU KNOW LEGENDS NEVER DIE

Already he's sweating, thick beads of moisture leaking down the hardened lines of his body and pooling in the sunken contours between his thick muscles. This is not going to be easy. It will be uncomfortable, unpleasant, and he is quite sure he will not enjoy it as he enjoys his other fights. There is nothing to savour in this strength-sapping heat, and the goliath rather thinks that he couldn't have handled it a few months ago; constant sparring, however, has strengthened his body and heightened his stamina. Practice has added to his natural assets and he's never felt better, yet his usual confidence is somewhat lacking as he contemplates what is to come.

But this momentary glitch in his arrogance soon fades away as he reminds himself who he is; the Indomitable, the beast, the budding warmonger. He can do this. He will conquer these demons and force himself to complete the fight, no matter how much he aches.

His opponent soon arrives, and Volterra's eyes immediately move to scrutinise this would-be foe. At first, his stomach lurches happily at the thought that it is a woman - devilishly attractive and large to boot, the perfect size and shape to not snap beneath his weight. His trademark wolfish grin spreads slowly across his jaws as he joyously eyes the mare, thinking that there's no better way to ease his distaste of such hideous fighting conditions than the chance of some sex afterwards. The woman lacks Volterra's sheer bulk, although there's certainly muscle on that lean frame; he thinks he should have the edge in every area, but it will be a delightful challenge to face somebody the same size as himself.

But then the oddly-patterned unicorn comes closer, and the giant's stomach lurches in an entirely different way as he realises that it is, in fact, not a mare.

Oh. Awkward.

Disgust bubbles into his throat as he realises his mistake and swiftly moves his gaze anywhere but at the feminine stallion. The male speaks, his voice womanlike and flirtatious, and Volterra's eyes nearly boggle out of his head. "Hang on...what are you? His dragons cackle in his head at the confused thoughts of their poor, befuddled bonded. "Did not think you liked dick. At least no hatchlings come if you bed him," sniggers Vadir in her smooth, cold voice. Vérzés, usually Volterra's ally against their golden sister, joins in the chorus of laughter, as their bonded's cheeks flame with mortification and his tail swings hard against his flanks.

Fuck off, he tells them irritably; their laughter only intensifies.

So distracted is he that he almost doesn't notice the man/woman/thing launching towards him, and by the time he realises it's almost too late. He flings his weight to his right as the unicorn approaches his left, so when Kiuaji's horns slice against his flesh, they do not dig as deeply as intended. They strike just behind his left shoulder and engrave two medium-depth cuts into his skin; painful, but not deep enough to inconvenience him.

Usually, anger fuels the giant's battles; his berserker rage sees him through even the most arduous of fights, numbing his pain and strengthening his blows. Yet this time, he does not feel angry, just deeply embarrassed. It is a different kind of emotion, but makes him all the more determined to put this thing in its place. He swings his hindquarters to the right in an attempt to bring himself facing his opponent, and throws his weight onto them as he does so in order to lift the front half of his body into a rear. He flails his forehooves in an attempt to smack them into his opponent's skull - not hard enough to kill him, but hopefully hard enough to knock him out and earn Volterra a one-hit victory. His logic is that the faster he puts his foe to the sword, the less chance of his stamina being sapped by the wicked heat. This weather is not designed for long battles - he will be better served getting it over with quickly.

Besides, he is quite eager to get the hell out of here and hide away with his embarrassment. The dragons bugle their amusement, so tickled by their bonded's mistake that they cannot even bring themselves to attack the unicorn's feathered companion. The leviathan growls like a caged beast, pinning his ears and blocking red and gold from his mind; he hears the unicorn ask for his name, but now really isn't the time for polite introductions. He just grunts, too focused to answer.

_______________

Teaching spar for Kiuaji

I laughed so hard writing this post. VOL HAVING A SEXUALITY CRISIS

1/3 - 764 words

image credits


Spelling/grammar/prose - You had some beautiful sentences in there! Stuff like 'His feminine frame cuts a splendid vision, an ethereal mirage of sinful promises and tender caresses, curves swaying as his effortless stride takes him across the flats' was amazing, incredibly descriptive and detailed. Overall I LOVE your writing and this post was great on that front, however I did notice a couple of spelling/grammar errors:

'Helovian's are terribly weak': Shouldn't be an apostrophe in Helovians
'watched stallion's of rippling muscles and unconstrained blood': Shouldn't be an apostrophe in stallions (as it's plural of stallion, rather than belonging to the stallion - if it was 'watched the stallion's rippling muscles' then there'd be an apostrophe)
'where the black painted stallion and his Dragon's stand': Same as above, no apostrophe in dragons

Mostly though it was a great post writing-wise, it's clear that you proofread and are a really talented writer so keep up the good work on that front ^_^

Emotion - I THINK I LOVE KIUAJI ALREADY. His personality shone through in this post, especially the bits where he's having a good old oggle of Vol (but I mean, who wouldn't? ;D). I really enjoyed reading him and I can't wait to see more of him in this fight!

Attacks - I was a bit confused by the positioning that lead to your attacks. When Kiu eyes up Vol and speaks with him, it implies that they're face to face. However, you then say 'His right approaches the beast's left', which would be impossible if they were facing each other. In order for Kiu's right side to be near Vol's left side, they would have to be facing the same direction, which would require Kiu to approach from behind Vol. Here is a crappy diagram of what I mean. Rights and left can be super confusing - when I'm in any doubt, I act it out on my hands, to make sure I'm on the right lines. Sure, I look like a twit if I'm in public, but it works ;D Being clear with directions ensures that your opponent can respond properly, and also doesn't give the judge an excuse to deduct for realism or readability.

The attack itself was good, using his horns to attack Vol's side, so I liked that! Just a little bit more clarification on the directions etc would have turned it into an even better attack :)

Also, just be careful with sentences like these: 'His right approaches the beast's left'. It can be interpreted as GM/PP, so to avoid any judge deductions make sure you say 'attempted/tried/aimed' etc.

Damage taken - N/A

Other - I'd have liked to see a little bit more of Kiu contemplating their different assets (aka they're the same height, but Kiu is lithe whereas Vol's all about the strength) and also some mention of the surroundings. I've chosen quite tricky conditions, as the heat will take its toll on our poor big fellas, so you could have mentioned that Kiu has experience fighting in the heat (I'm assuming, from what I've read of Dorobo) and that this might work to his advantage.

Overall, though, it was a really good first post! :D


RE: gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Kiuaji - 08-18-2016




Volterra certainly wasn't the first to fall for the Dorobian's feminine wiles, and he certainly wouldn't be the last. Oh, how many back in his homeland had snorted and foamed at one another as he lazed to the side of the makeshift arena, long lashes fluttered toward his favorite contender for his affection. It all ended in humiliation and deceit, for they soon realized the delight they had been fighting for wasn't the delicate feminine beauty they had imagined. If he was more of a caring soul, he might've felt bad for the behemoth falling for the age old trick, offered him a soft croon to soothe over the wounded pride but as ever — Kiuaji has nothing but amusement in his serpentine heart.

The boggled stallion drew an breathy laugh from his maw, followed by a wicked smile dressed in sweetness and light. "Why, I can be anything you want me to be, handsome." It's been such a long time since he's had a taste of the age old life, and he's loathed to let it slip between his web again. He'll tangle with this black beast, dig his claws deep and whisper sweet nothings that'll make his head spin in sinful horror.

How disappointed he was, when he approached and the other seemed to be too caught up in his jarred emotions, and the revelation that his foe was not the sumptuous mare he first promised. The almost bitter taste is washed from his from his mouth when finally he moved, his mouth twisted into a smirk instead as amethysts glittered with satisfaction. He doesn't quite hit is mark, but that's just fine as he spied the cuts, he likes a man that can move — he likes a man that can fight.
And fight he does! He swung that overly muscular body his way, and how nice would it have been to have a bite, nibble his lips over the hardened flesh and ghost his breath over each dip and curve. He would of, and he still kept it in mind as he's forced to throw his weight to his left to avoid the brunt of the stallion's flailing limbs. While they don't hit his skull like intended, he can feel them kiss biting brushes and scrapes down his right side. Pain blossoms like a valley coming into full bloom at once, and steals a breath which vaguely sounds like a moan from the Unicorn. Let his mind reel at that, that his attack has done nothing but bring him apparent pleasure to the creature that's sent him into a tailspin.

Where the brute is sturdy as the mountain, Kiuaji is as lithe and fickle as the streams, he doesn't command the space and girth this fine specimen does, he doesn't need time to swing his curves around. His tail swept around in a teasing lash aimed towards Volterra's side as he's forced to give the brute space. He can feel his shoulder sing it's grievances to him with each stride he takes as he begins to wind around the stallion like a serpent, careful to try and keep as much space as possible between the two of them until he's comfortable in getting up close and personal with him much more. He's going to have to keep a close eye on his injured side, as much as he loves a good rough and tumble, it's going to ruin his mood before he really begins.

Like the dirty heathen he is, he's all too happy to let a visible shudder roll down his spine at Volterra's growl and grunted response. "That's fine if you won't tell me now, I'll just have you purr it on top of me later." He rasped, accompanied by a mock lunge toward his prey, neck extended so he could snap his teeth toward his haunches. Matanye is all too used to her bonded's games, but she let's out a trill of amusement that this one seemed to be having a rather bad time with it. Eventually, circling isn't enough, he wants more, he wants to see the beast sweat more than he is now. He wants to press buttons until he finds the right one. His rear end swung toward Volterra in a brief buck, making sure that he can see his feminine curves and lines, a private show just for him. Fluidly, he attempted to line himself up so that on his next buck, his sharp hooves thump and drag against his barrel, caress their own biting kiss into his all too tempting flesh.



 "talk talk talk"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2/3 - 761 Words

Damage Tracker; bruises and scrapes to his right shoulder/side, impede his front right legs movement when turning.

Summary; Throws his weight on his left side to narrowly miss having his head thumped by Volterra's hooves, instead takes a peppering of bruises and scrapes down his shoulder which make turning on his right side somewhat difficult. He moves to begin to circle Volterra, but not before trying to whip him with his tail ;D He's careful, trying to keep some distance between the two of them, teases him some more and gives a threatening snap toward Volterra's prime booty. Turns his own haunches towards Volterra in a bucking motion, and uses his next buck to try throw his rear hooves into Volterra's side.



Some hearts are a desert you can die wandering in


Credits: Image by Littlewillow-Art @ DA



RE: gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Volterra - 08-21-2016


V O L T E R R A
IF IT FEELS GOOD, TASTES GOOD, IT MUST BE MINE
HEROES ALWAYS GET REMEMBERED BUT YOU KNOW LEGENDS NEVER DIE

His mortification adds fuel to the fire of his blows, but alas, they do not crunch into the other male's skull as intended. Instead, they strike his side; the pound of hooves on meat is music to the goliath's ears, but he has not landed the one-hit-KO that he hoped for. It means he will have to continue fighting in these ball-sweating conditions, and already he can feel his lungs constricting in horror at the thought whilst his muscles shudder and groan with effort.

Only his steely determination to conquer keeps him going, even as his flesh heaves and reeks and his breath comes in heavy gasps. The blood, sweat and sexuality-conflicted misery of this fight will be worth it when he has his crown, when he has women fawning at his hooves and spreading their thighs at his command - he daresay he needs a mare right now, to try and erase all the confused feelings that are pulsing through him at the sight of this very feminine stallion.

Why, I can be anything you want me to be, handsome. Such a sentence from the mouth of a mare would have had the black mountain quivering with need; to his great dismay, and despite the fact he knows it's a man saying the words, some semblance of lust erupts traitorously in the depths of his loins. His dragons continue their cacophony of laughter as they detect these further conflicted emotions inside their bonded's head, and no amount of mental fortitude will shut the fuckers out. "Shut up," he snarls, his temper beginning to rise. The one thing Volterra has always been one hundred percent sure on is his sexuality. Women are his weakness, his kryptonite; stallions are nothing but his enemies or, when he has a crown, his eager underlings. Stallions are not attractive. They do not make his innards squirm, they do not make his balls tingle, and they do not make him hungrily eyeball their curves as though contemplating how they will feel beneath his bulk.

This horned cretin, this thing, is making him question himself. Coupled with the frustrating heat and uncomfortable conditions, the behemoth feels himself growing more and more angry with each passing second.

Angry and aroused, god dammit.

It is chance, more than skill, that allows Volterra to evade his foe's onslaught. He launches his weight backwards after he lands from his rear, feeling his opponent's serpentine tail whistle past his flesh, followed by a near-miss from his teeth. Then the unicorn bucks, once, twice, and the giant only narrowly escapes a clobbering by reversing another step. Those beautiful, feminine haunches and curves steal his attention, and no matter how hard he tries, he cannot snatch his eyes away. More flirtatious words leave the unicorn's mouth, words that echo deep into his loins, words that make him ache with need. What is wrong with him? His mind is fighting a bloody battle with his body; his mind knows it is another stallion and therefore not a potential lover, but his body is simply reacting on primal instinct. It is reacting to what it sees, and it sees curves, it sees succour, it sees female beauty. It sees a release.

No! The giant's mental roar to himself bids his ears to slap against his head, and a great stallion's bellow erupts from his clenched jaws. He has to attack, he has to finish this fight as soon as possible so he can get out of here. He needs to find a woman, and fast. He needs to lose himself in her skin and remind himself that there is a world of difference between a mare, and a man who simply looks like a mare.

As his opponent finishes his last buck, Volterra turns to try and bring himself facing his foe's backside. This isn't just about winning or losing now - he wants, needs, to utterly dominate this man, to humiliate him. If the unicorn wants to be mounted, then he will be mounted, but not in a way he will enjoy. The goliath attempts to slam his chest hard into his opponent's backside, to try and send him sprawling forwards; then he lifts his front end, trying to hook his forelegs around the hips of the other male as though he is mounting a mare. He smothers the natural arousal that comes from this position, and focuses on trying to force the unicorn's hind end to the ground beneath his colossal weight. He wants to make those back legs buckle, to send the unicorn crumpling down into a position of utter submission.

Simultaneously, his jaws attempt to pepper hard bites across his foe's spine, hoping to leave bruises like broken promises in his wake.

_______________

Teaching spar for @Kiuaji

I want to marry this fight, and have tiny little sexuality-crisis babies with it.

2/3 - 789 words

image credits


Spelling/grammar/prose - Flawless! I only spotted one grammar/spelling error in this post ('He doesn't quite hit is mark' 'his' mark) so good job. I always say that good writing is the easiest way to rack up points in the judging rubric, so simply proof-reading and ironing out typos can go a long way towards scoring highly. You did really well on that front :)

My one small nitpicky thing would be that, because both fighters are male, it got a bit confusing at points with all the 'he's'. Whenever fighters are of the same gender, I try to use their names a lot more, or their species to differentiate them, or even aspects of their appearance (the black male, the horned male, the smaller male etc) just so it's easier to tell who is who. This is only a tiny thing though, overall you did great in this post!

Emotion - Again, I loved Kiu here. You write him really well, and I definitely got a great sense of his personality in here. I love his flirtatiousness, and his attempts to rile Vol. That's the good thing about Helovia's fighting system - it's not just based upon your ability to be technical, it's also about how you write your character and how you make the post about more than just attack and defense. I think you did a great job in this aspect, so well done :D

Attacks - You attacked quite a lot in this post - you had the tail slam, the bite, and then the kick. Bearing in mind that a fight post is only a few seconds long, I'd have probably cut out at least one of these attacks. As it is, it's a bit unrealistic that Kiu would be able to turn, hit Vol with his tail, turn again, bite him, then turn again and buck twice without Vol having chance to react inbetween. I find that less is more when it comes to attacks - I rarely attack more than once or twice in a post, and I always have them be either simultaneous attacks or ones that're quite close together but don't involve much movement (like a bite to the face, followed by a kick by a front hoof to the foreleg).

The attacks themselves were good, but could probably have had a bit more detail just so your opponent and the judge can fully picture them in their minds. With the tail slam, you said 'His tail swept around in a teasing lash aimed towards Volterra's side as he's forced to give the brute space'. Which side was he aiming for? Then, with the bite: 'accompanied by a mock lunge toward his prey, neck extended so he could snap his teeth toward his haunches'. Which side again? Also, you say it was a mock lunge, so does he actually try to bite or does he just feint?

Buck attacks are always good, so I personally would probably have just used this attack and not done the other two, but bear in mind that if it's Kiu's right shoulder that is injured, he probably wouldn't have been able to put his weight on it in order to buck. With the first buck, where about is it directed? And with the second, you say 'Fluidly, he attempted to line himself up so that on his next buck, his sharp hooves thump and drag against his barrel, caress their own biting kiss into his all too tempting flesh.' Which side of the barrel?

You've definitely got a good idea when it comes to which attacks work best, but just try to really add more detail into them to make sure the judge can't deduct for realism. As I say, less is usually more - you don't want to over-move and risk being deducted for GM/PP, as it doesn't give your opponent chance to react.

I loved how he flashed his curves at Vol, though. It definitely incorporated his personality into his attacks, and I can't wait to read more like that :D

Damage taken - You did well redirecting the damage away from his head, but I'd have just liked to see a bit more detail when it comes to where exactly the damage was taken (his right shoulder, ribcage, flank?), and how serious it was. More detail is always better when it comes to injuries, I find. There's a lot of difference between a minor bruise and a heavy bruise, for example. A minor bruise isn't going to affect your movement, but a heavy bruise could well restrict some attacks, especially if it's on a part of your body that has a lot of muscle in it (aka a shoulder, flank etc). You simply say that Kiu took 'brushes and scrapes', which doesn't give a lot of detail about how much damage he actually took. Is there bruising, and if so, is it deep enough to restrict any movement?

With Vol's high damage stat of 8, coupled with a reasonably high damage roll of 4, I'd have probably been looking to take heavy bruising, and it should probably affect him throughout the rest of the fight as well. As a general rule, and depending on my opponent's damage stat, I usually have rolls of 4 and above affect my character throughout the fight. For example, if the attack is a kick and I take it to my character's chest, I'll make sure to say that he can no longer use his chest for slamming, and that he's also struggling to move much because it's restricted his breathing. For a kick to the hindquarters, I'd have it prevent my character from rearing or kicking out with those legs.

So if it'd been me taking damage from this attack, I'd probably have said something like 'While they don't hit his skull like intended, he can feel them kiss heavy bruises and scrapes onto his right shoulder, pounding against the muscle and ensuring he will struggle to use his right foreleg to attack with'. That just prevents the judge being able to deduct for realism, as it's ensuring that you're aware of the aftereffects of such a heavy hit. You did well later in the post mentioning the wound, so that was good!

Other - I liked that you mentioned Kiu can turn faster because of his litheness - this is definitely a good thing to include :D However, like I said above, being able to turn faster doesn't necessarily mean that you can fit in a load more attacks, as it's best to give your opponent time to react rather than bombarding lots of attacks in one post.

So far, though, you're doing really well with the writing/emotion side, it's just the more technical bits that could be worked on, but they're a lot easier to improve once you've done a couple of fights c:


RE: gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Time - 09-11-2016

Kiuaji defaults to Volterra.

0.5 VP to Volterra + 2 EXP for 2 teaching posts.


RE: gods and kings (vol vs kiuaji) - Official - 10-16-2016

By my verdict: VOLTERRA is the winner!

KIUAJI
Realism [+1]
You had good attacks but didn’t take enough damage for your 4 roll in your second post. You’re also as agile as Volterra, in fact all your stats are the same except Volterra is stronger, so though I was happy to see you utilize breed differences, you must use them correctly. Similarly hooves are not sharp unless you have an item that makes them so. Nice job touching on the heat though.


Emotion [+2]
I really loved the personality that came out, Kiuaji is hilarious and so fun to read!


Prose [+2]
You have some really great moments of writing where your imagery and vocabulary is beautiful, but this isn’t always sustained and sometimes the flow can get a bit choppy. Overall well written though!


Readability [+2]
Overall readable, but you had some typos and grammar issues. In your first post there were several instances of incorrect apostrophes, and in your second post you type “an” instead of “a”, repeated the words “from his” back to back, and had several tense swings from past to present. You also use “his” or “he” a lot, without clarifying if you mean Volterra or Kiuaji. It’d help to use their names more to make it clear for the judges :)


Finally tally: 49.5+(7*2)= 63.5 HP

*******************************************

VOLTERRA
Realism [+2.5]
Realistic fighting, with proper damage and attacks. I liked your constant mention of the heat, and that you touched on breed if briefly.


Emotion [+2.5]
Oh my goodness this fight had me rolling with laughter! You did a great job conveying Volterra’s confusion and frustration.


Prose [+3.5]
Really beautiful writing with great flow and vocabulary.


Readability [+3]
Readable with no apparent sentence or grammar errors!


Finally tally: 64.5+(11.5*2)= 87.5 HP