the Rift


[JUDGED] Wan island sun [open]
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme
#1

OPHELIA & TINEK</style>
Heavens ablaze in our eyes, we're standing still in time
the blood on our hands is the wine, we offer a sacrifice
</style>



[[Setting: Sky Island in winter early in the morning. Dew on the ground, chilled air in the center, sand fighting arena
Type: No extensions
Length: 3 posts each
I want this to go quickly, so please reply quickly!
I would super prefer someone of similar VP/HP reply too if possible! ]]

--------------------

Ophelia had been watching the comings and goings on the island for some time, but something sinister seemed to hang in the air, something she couldn't place. The pale princess walked through the chattering crowds as if they didn't exist, drowned out, invisible. She barely felt their bodies brushing against hers as her two toned, strange eyes looked upon the empty arena, feeling her heart pounding. The last time she had fought, the battle had been for her survival. What she had learned that day on a field surrounded by cliffs was that she was dismally prepared to fully defend herself from harm.

With a sigh of white smoke, she strode with ethereal grace onto the sound, looking around at the faces that barely formed shapes but would forever stay in her memories. Place like these were a nightmare. She would never forget, and she could feel the anxiety rise as she feared when her mind could hold no more. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, attempting to find her center in the chaos of her numbed heart.

When whatever murdered her mother came for her, would she be ready? Or would her corpse lay decomposed and forgotten in the forest, praying to be found, hoping just to be remembered? Ice gripped her chest tightly, keeping her from falling apart, holding the shattered pieces together. She had to be prepared for the possibility that what killed her mother could come for her, and only practice would make that a reality.

A wan sun began to rise through clouds, just beginning to grace the sky with a pink horizon. Tinek called out to her before landing powerfully on her back, his crimson gaze powerful and strong. The fight for her life had changed him, and he needed practice too. "Would any face me?" she called. "To practice this art of battle today?"


-----------------
[x words] [0/3]
No summary.


BG | dragon | horse




Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.


Please tag me in every response!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#2
Elsa had become… rusty. Not only had she succumbed to the fear that was given to her, but also she let it control her. She couldn’t even fight Oxy without flinching every two seconds. Fear could not control her life! She would not let it.

Her strides were steady, cantering just for the pure exercise. Even if she were not able to spar, she would keep her body in its prime. The thuds though, eventually became dull. A dewy sweat covered her body in a thin layer. The time had passed so easily, she had started when the stars were glittering in the sky, and now the sun was rising above her. It greeted the frosty day, but the winter would not let its heat take hold. Winter was here to stay for a few moons.

She had taken up her training near a sandy pit on the island. She was planning on strengthening her legs there too, but another voice broke into her “rigorous” training. It was a voice unfamiliar, but distinctly feminine.

Her hooves quietly, and patiently carried her to the edge of the sand, before she could make out who was standing there. Like Elsa herself, the pale woman looked as cold as winter. She dipped her head in a quick greeting. It was odd to see someone who looked as much like winter as she did. However, her red markings provided a dark contrast against her own baby blue ones. "I shall." Her reply was simple enough. "My name is Elsa, of the Falls. I wish to train, comrade of snow." It was a little more elegant and over the top than Elsa intended, but she wished to compliment her in Elsa's own, odd way.

Let the blizzard begin.

[xx ;; 0/3 ;; training spar]
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme
#3

OPHELIA & TINEK</style>
Heavens ablaze in our eyes, we're standing still in time
the blood on our hands is the wine, we offer a sacrifice
</style>



Ophelia watched her opponent approach with recognition in her strange, two colored eyes. Her memory was a curse. Where others could forget a face and experience that excitement of new, she was forever burdened with remembering all. Elsa was one of these faces, and even though she did not know the name with certainty, she had seen the mare at the top of a hill, smaller than this island in the sky: the heavenly fields. She had been trying to impress the God of the Sun too, and the white pegasus must have left in a way that had not called her attention.

The cream and blue mare was slightly taller, thicker, with a build not quite as lithe as she would describe her own. Ophelia was all long legs and streamlined body, breathing of speed and agility, whereas the pegasus had muscles that breathed softly of musculature, strength and agility. In one way they were similar, and Phi was curious about who would use their quick hooves in the most efficient and damaging way. For that was the point of battle, was it not? To destroy your opponent so that they could no longer destroy you?

Those were the eyes through which she saw battle ever since her experience with Gaucho nearly killing her in the same place she had seen this pegasus mare. The gut clenching vertigo she felt as she nearly fell over the edge of the precipice would forever haunt her nightmares, as would the feeling of snake poison curling through her veins – like the magic Deimos wields. From what she saw, this snow mare was not hiding some venomous creature in her long hair, which would be a detriment in this battle, Phi assumed.

Her opponent’s intentions were stated, compliments given, and Ophelia nodded her head in acceptance. Comrade of snow was an appropriate way to state their given relationship, considering that both seemed to capture the pristine beauty of white in their persona and bodies. The pale princess took a few steps back, feeling Tinek balance along her spine, to allow Elsa forward onto the sand. She felt the grains slide between her toes, reminding her of the tides on which she was born. Ophelia inhaled, almost able to taste the sea in her memories.

Ophelia’s eyes opened once more, gaining clarity as she soothed her nerves, letting her mind and body numb of internal stimulus and focusing on the here and now. “Greetings, Elsa,” she said, unaware of how much she sounded like her father. “I accept.” Phi’s voice was like chimes, innocent and sweet in distinct juxtaposition to the tragedy and cold in her eyes and the numbness in her heart. She was a woman who had given and lost too much and had to bear the consequences of a shattered heart.

Not knowing this Elsa well and unaware of her skill, Ophelia telegraphed her initial attack, letting the winged one know that she was beginning their fight. Her cloven hooves danced across the sand, moving to decrease the distance between the two of them, and Tinek, aware of the movement, leapt from her back and circled behind, behaving much like a sheepdog would in order to provide a psychological push toward his bonded.

Hopefully with the distance closed, Ophelia jumped forward, relying on her lean muscle and speed to put her in a position to use the spiraled weapon upon her brow. Jaws open, she moved to grab some of Elsa’s mane in her mouth, since the tendrils were so long, and regardless of success, she threw her head to the side, threatening to scratch the top of her unicorn’s crown along the winged one’s side. With such broad and feathered wings, Ophelia would have to constantly keep Elsa moving, keep her grounded and at a disadvantage. Maybe, she could use Elsa’s long hair against her, grabbing and pulling if she ever tried to fly…

---------------------------------------------------------------

[654 words] [1/3]
Ophelia aimed to grab Elsa's long hair (profile) in her mouth and scrape her horn along Elsa's side.

Since this is a training spar, I will be giving you pointers in bullet points all the way through. Even though your first post was not an official battle post, I wanted to point some things out!
- Take notice of the details in your opponent's post - for example, I wrote Tinek as being on Ophelia's back. What does she think of dragons? Has she seen one before?
- Why is she practicing and why is she rusty? Any question you post should be resolved at least by the end of the battle. What is she afraid of?
- Be careful about repeating the same word over and over again. For example, instead of saying "winter", you could say "frostfall" or something to that effect. I get bad at this too, so running your post through a word counter that checks for frequently used words helps.


BG | dragon | horse




Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.


Please tag me in every response!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#4
Her eyes traced over the mysterious woman repeatedly. Upon the first once-over, she couldn’t help but feel inferior. This woman, more like goddess was much more gifted in the way of vanity. She was as pure as the snow itself, but held the beautifying marks of the rising dawn among her hair. A long, white spiral protruded from her head. It was a scene that Elsa had only been able to imagine in her head as a child. Growing up around few unicorns, she relied heavily on her parent’s descriptions of the magnificent creatures that lived across the seas from their homeland. Upon the second once over, she noticed the woman's pure physique. She looked like she could put up a fight.

Now, however, was not the time to dole out compliments. The Ice Queens words were simple and contrite, getting right to the point. Elsa did feel a little ashamed that the queen felt the need to hide her name. Was she wanted? Would Elsa have recognized her name if Ophelia had spoken it? Such questions would remain unanswered as Ophelia waited patiently for her in the sand.

Elsa stepped into the pit, not relishing the feeling. Her mind suddenly flipped back to the dark cave hidden away in the Heart. That place held too many painful, and unforgettably wonderful memories. The way these grains rubbed against her feet were a bittersweet reminder of the past. She could not live there, for now was the present. Living in the past would only cause more damage than harm.

Ophelia wasted no time in her thoughts, as she quickly began to close the distance. That is when Elsa noticed a large, scaly dragon pop off her back in a swoop. Her eyes widened, how had she not noticed such a large creature? Its pallid scales matched the purity of its bonded, in both grace and beauty. The distraction came at a cost. Elsa noticed from the corner of her right, as Ophelia closed the distance much quicker than she had anticipated. Pearly white teeth shined in the dawning light before snapping down upon the hair on her left side.

The hair had been lying close to her neck, sticking there from the sweat of her daily training. Although the training had been helpful in training her to turn to her blind side, it proved to be detrimental at the moment. Ophelia’s teeth clenched upon a slight bit of skin, when aiming for the hair. It pinched the skin that was about halfway between the crest, and the bottom of her neck. Elsa yelped, and pushed off with her strong hindquarters to pull away from Ophelia, hopefully moving down the Ice Queens right side.

Unbeknownst to Elsa, by doing this she had avoided taking a unicorn horn to the side. That for sure would’ve left some stories to be told. They would probably go along the lines of ’I used to be a fighter like you once, until I took a unicorn horn to the belly’, that would be such a stupid way to be incapacitated.

However stories were for the future, and for now, she needed to be in the present. Being in the present seemed to be something Elsa lacked. So getting back in the game, she quickly came up with her next plan.

Ophelia, if she hadn’t moved by this point, would be on her left side. This was a very bad position. Elsa could not see Icy, and this was dangerous territory. As she moved forward a few more steps, she reached out her teeth and hoped to clamp down upon the flank of Ophelia’s right side. Although Elsa did not like having a butt in her face, it was very useful. Quickly maneuvering, Elsa went into a buck, attempting to pivot upon her front legs to hit Icy’s front right shoulder. If Elsa could take out the joints, this would be a very simple battle. However, fights were rarely that easy.

[664 words ;; 1/3 ;; training spar]
[Thanks for the comments, they were helpful in this so I hope I fixed/improved on some of the points! Also I know you wanted this done quickly, so let me know if this post came too slow/fast/or as you expected.]
[Summary :: Elsa attempted to bite Ophelia's flank and kick at her shoulder.]
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme
#5

OPHELIA & TINEK</style>
Heavens ablaze in our eyes, we're standing still in time
the blood on our hands is the wine, we offer a sacrifice
</style>



Ophelia was not vain, and she did not think much of herself or her appearance. She saw herself as forever toeing a delicate line between the two halves of her bloodline, and this tragic inability to belong to either side was painfully apparent in her exterior. The bloody crimson was a remnant of the paternal warlords, corrupt and wicked, while the soft white and her single, blue eye was the gentleness of her equine mother. The only place she belonged was the great nowhere, the in-between. Her title as queen of a herd land that no longer existed spoke volumes that she could never express. She was forsaken.

So, offering her name had not crossed her mind. Why did her name matter at all? Why did she matter at all? Elsa was full of life, obviously vibrant and seemingly unfettered by the weights that kept Ophelia grounded. Such a one as her would want nothing to do with this broken leader, nothing except to practice a battle, and Phi was not here to make more friends who would simply break her heart.

Wasting no additional time, the pale princess threw herself into her actions, trying to shed the self-doubts and memories as she breathed. The rhythm of her hooves put her into a trance where all that existed was action and reaction. In this world, this arena, this battle, nothing else existed because it did not need to exist, and for the first time, she found freedom in this reality. Was this why her father had battled so often? To escape the world? Maybe, just maybe, she was not battling here with anyone else but herself.

Ophelia closed the distance between them, reaching out to grab onto the long tendrils of Elsa’s mane where it stuck to her neck with sweat. In the process, her teeth had pinched unintentionally at the mare’s skin, the flavor of hair and the salty tang of perspiration snapping her back into focus. The taller Elsa let out a short burst of noise, and Phi’s ears tilted in her direction, watching the muscles gather in her haunches to propel her out of the way. In her movement, Elsa had avoided the painful apex of her horn, but Ophelia was not disappointed. Perhaps no blood needed to be shed today. Wouldn’t that be a rare gift?

As the mare rushed past her right side, Ophelia flashed her jaws out again, keen on grabbing the tail hairs at the base of her rump as a sharp reminder that running from battle was not an option. For as long as Ophelia could control the situation, she would try to ground the pegasus, making her only unique appendages useless here, and that was only done by ensuring that Elsa felt she had to stay on the ground. Luckily for Ophelia, battles were quite psychological, and her powers and memory gave her unique insight into patterns of behavior. Relentlessly, Ophelia turned on her haunches and followed Elsa, moving to come around on the mare’s left side, even though she was unaware of her blindness.

Little did Elsa know that Ophelia could disappear – well, seemingly. A quick dodge cleared Ophelia of Elsa’s bite at her hips, and she attempted to invade Elsa’s mind and if possible, eliminate her previous position from her short term memories. In this way, Phi had the unique power to go invisible, because in the minds of her victims, she had never been in that position to begin with – they had no memory of her ever being there. Whether it was her magic or quick footwork, Ophelia had avoided Elsa bucking, which she caught over her shoulder as she danced away from the scene only a short distance.

Tinek took to the sky then, flying to try to get altitude over Elsa. The silver dragon exhaled a breath of frost that fell like snow in the crisp morning air, hopefully giving Ophelia enough time to circle back into the fight. The hybrid took full advantage of her companion’s help, running toward Elsa’s left side and pushing her weight onto her haunches, attempting to strike at her back with the hardened toes of her cloven hooves. Swiftly, she let her weight come back down, not eager to be thrown over off balance by Elsa’s mass. As she descended, her teeth flared out again, threatening her crest or shoulder with a bite.

-------------------------------------------------------------

[2/3] [733 words in Word]
Summary: Ophelia dodges the bite but tries to use her magic to avoid the buck.
Ophelia tries to use Tinek as a distraction and run to her left side. She tries to strike at Elsa's side with her front hooves and bite at her as she returns to having four feet on the ground.

You timing was find :) I just like fast because it helps me stay in the battle. Training spar notes are location below this table.


BG | dragon | horse




Training spar notes::

1. There were some dropped words and grammatical errors in this post that made the sentences a little difficult to read. For example, in your second sentence, you have: " This woman, more like goddess was much more gifted in the way of vanity.". Did you mean more like a goddess and was much more gifted...? Try reading your posts out loud - even muttering under your breath can help you catch mistakes like these.

2. Grammatical error here: " The Ice Queens words were simple and contrite". Should be the "Ice Queen's words" since the words belong to the Ice Queen, so it needs an apostrophe.

3. Transitions. Transitions are very important to help your reader follow the flow of your writing. Flow keeps the reader moving through your post with experiencing so much the length. Transitions are usually small sentences guiding your reading with your character's movements or thoughts are small phrases at the beginning of your sentence. For example, this: "Elsa stepped into the pit, not relishing the feeling. Her mind suddenly flipped back to the dark cave hidden away in the Heart." If you had rewritten it with transitions, the flow would improve. "Elsa stepped into the pit, not relishing the feeling. Emotions like deja vu took her suddenly back to the Heart in that dark cave."

4. Combine sentences to avoid repetition. "Ophelia’s teeth clenched upon a slight bit of skin, when aiming for the hair. It pinched the skin that was about halfway between the crest, and the bottom of her neck." You twice said that Ophelia's teeth pinched her skin, so why not combine them? "Ophelia's teeth clenched on a slight bit of skin between her crest and the bottom of her neck, the sensation pinching." Not only does this have fewer words, but it also improves the flow.

5. The last paragraph with the positioning confused me. As I understood, they were right side to right side earlier, Ophelia biting at her neck and trying to her her horn across Elsa's belly. So, that means that they were almost head to hip. Since Elsa ran forward, that would then be butt to butt slightly off center from each other. How then, would there be an issue with Elsa's left side?

When she turns around, are they now left side to right side? Why would Elsa turn so that she is trying to attack Ophelia with her left side facing Phi and how would she even know what she was biting at at all?

But then, you talked about having a butt in the face. So how is the left side relevant if they are in the same right side to right side, head to hip position as before? I tried to keep it very open ended in my response so that you could clarify the position later. Since you rolled for a miss, that made it easier. If I had had to take any damage and choose a side where the damage was, that would have made it much more difficult.

6. Overall, I think this was a very solid post though! You brought in alot of emotion and touched on a bunch of the things I had said before. I really felt like Elsa was in her environment more rather than her own head, but the emotion was still tangible. I think if you focus on cleaning up a bit of the grammar and reading out loud to yourself, everything will be much, much easier.




Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.


Please tag me in every response!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#6
The idea of sparring was such an odd idea. In short, it was fighting to learn how to fight. Yet… even now her sparring was useless to her. From this pairing no items would be won, no dignity would be lost, and no land would be overtaken. It seemed fruitless to fight when fighting itself is useless. When would Elsa ever use this? In her homeland, often times it was used to keep the bandits out; or even when the occasional skirmish arose within the ranks of the common folk. Yet here… nothing was ever fought for. Here the strongest were the stealthiest, those who could not hide, did not survive. She should know that, she had been able to slip the armor away from the Basin before they could even think twice.

However, here she was. Elsa was using her time to spar with a woman whose words were fewer than her markings. So maybe, somewhere deep inside Elsa, there was something more… prominent happening. Her home she thought was long forgotten, Elsa thought rarely of her mother and father, and less often of her sister. Maybe it wasn’t gone though. Maybe Elsa was stuck in the sick cycle of her homeland, even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay. What she thought was a blank slate, always had the scratch marks from the past.

So that was why miss Elsa was here today. She was stuck in the cycle of training. Elsa always needed to train, just incase one day, she thought she would return home. In reality, this was only a dream locked away in the vaults of her mind. It could never be pulled out, or removed. Elsa didn’t even realize that this cycle was the very reason she was here. She never thought the regimented cycle of her past would have haunted her like it was.

Elsa, however, was keener on why Ophelia was here. This Icy Queen was here, looking for a fight, so what were her reasons? However there would be no answers; Ophelia was too quiet, to reserved, to cold to understand. She seemed to have much less emotion than Elsa, and Elsa almost felt sad for her. To not have emotions was almost worse than being dead, and Elsa herself could attest to that.

Blind to both Ophelia’s inner and outer workings, Elsa could only gauge what was happening as she readied herself to kick and bite at Ophelia. That of course, was a fruitless attempt. Elsa was greeted with nothing but air in her mouth, yet, something felt oddly out of place. Why was she biting at someone who wasn’t there? A brief moment of confusion clouded her thoughts. Had she really been so blind? Did Elsa think that if she bit at air, she would be able to kick at a body? Keeping her hooves grounded, she waited for Ophelia to move. Elsa knew she was not on the left anymore… so where was she?

Speaking of blind, during that moment she heard the White Queen approaching from the left; she flinched, this was very bad news. Did the Queen know about her ailment? Was Ophelia aware that nothing but a sickening blackness could be seen on the left? If she didn’t then she was getting pretty damn lucky with guessing. Something, however, pulled her attention away from her left side.

Up in the air, the most glorious of all companions glittered in the sky. Scales like silver glinted in the sun, and he released the most glorious breath of frost. Elsa wanted to stop, and to watch, but she knew she could not. Instead, she needed to get away from this blind side! Pushing off with her strong rump, she jumped forward, and unknown to Elsa herself, avoiding the hard hooves and shiny teeth of the pale opponent. Although this blindness was considered an ailment to most, her flightiness had saved her from more than one attack.

Her blindness had put space between herself and Ophelia. Taking advantage of the few moments she had, Elsa spun, attempting to face Ophelia, relishing the few paces they had apart. Elsa however, did not want Ophelia so close to her eye again. Attempting to use her magic, Elsa pulled an ice spike up from the ground, trying to pierce the stomach of this white and red mare. A spar without scars is useless; one cannot learn if they do not fail.

[747 words ;; 2/3 ;; training spar]
[Thanks again for the comments! These are helping immensely. :)]
[Summary :: Elsa tries to use her magic to push a spike into Ophelia's stomach from the ground.]
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme
#7

OPHELIA & TINEK</style>
Heavens ablaze in our eyes, we're standing still in time
the blood on our hands is the wine, we offer a sacrifice
</style>



A small, sliver of satisfaction bloomed in her gut as her magic seemed to work. Ophelia had used her magic to become invisible, but she had not. Should anyone else have been watching, they would have seen her clear as day, but not Elsa. For Ophelia’s magic worked in the mind of her opponent, erasing her from their memories until she seemingly did not exist. Thus, she escaped injury, the pale of her coat unflawed by blood or damage. In essence, her magic and grace made her a perfect spy, setting others at ease with her gentle nature and stealing from their most intimate thoughts all the while. Ah, but she still had a conscience and morals which hindered her subversive abilities, so she was hesitant to look, wary of delving too deep.

None of her powers had saved her when Gaucho had attacked, and she was battling to ensure that she never felt the same helplessness again. Fear like she had never known before still clung to her flawless memories, giving her the strength and will to spar again. She realized now that she had been avoiding war to avoid her father’s blood which ran in her veins, denying the warlord half of her dual nature. To do so had been foolish, nearly costing her the greatest prize: her life.

Approaching from either direction was not a concern to Ophelia – whichever had her arrive at her destination with the best tactics and speed won. In this case, it was the left. Much to her surprise, she did not land any damage on Elsa, and as she took in the scene, mind calculating all the variables, she discovered why. Tinek, who was usually so helpful, had actually caused a rather interesting outcome. The pegasus had fled from him, avoiding both his talons and her bite as she raced past. Why had she run? In this battle, she had not seen the pegasus do so yet, so what had made her so nervous?

Ophelia’s front hooves landed in the sand, her maw slightly parted as she had come up tragically empty. What she felt was a mixture of awe and irritation, so she swiftly approached Elsa again, keen on trying once more to ensure that she fully displayed her skill and tested her limits and boundaries. The battle was not about anyone else but herself, and she knew who she was really fighting in her own mind. In a way, she reduced Elsa to nothing more than a mirror, reflecting back Ophelia’s own weaknesses and failures so that she could face them again, and this time, emerge victorious.

What she was not expecting was Elsa’s magic, especially since it reminded her so much of Mauja. A spike of ice erupted from the ground, and she felt self-doubt and confusion hit her square in the chest. Her eyes danced to the sky, trying to find Irma, but she was nowhere to be found. The only one who could have brought this magic was Elsa, and Ophelia narrowed her gaze slightly. Her movement forward, toward her opponent, had saved her from being impaled, but the point of the ice had scraped along her inner, left hind leg.

Ophelia felt anger fill her heart. The spike could have killed her, and this was about sparring! If she had not been moving, that might have been exactly what happened. The stakes were raised then, and the pale princess felt the sting of the short cut fade. Barely a prick of blood had been drawn, like Aurora’s finger on the needle, only this time, Ophelia had woken up. She knew better than to let the rage control her, so she let it settle like an icy wind as she moved to close the distance between them.

Using her magic again, Ophelia tried to remove the memories of herself, making her seemingly invisible once more. Under the cloak power, she dove forward, tucking her chest to her chest to bare the point of her horn. If Elsa wanted to try to impale her on ice, then Ophelia would do the same. She aimed to move to Elsa’s left side, easiest from when she disappeared, and her cloven hooves carried her forward. The point of her horn dove toward the precarious joint that held wing to body, imagining that this was like the soul to the pegasus whereas her soul was deep between her ribs.

Eye for an eye.

------------------------------
[3/3] [740 Words in Word]
- Ophelia takes damage along the inner, hind left leg, but it's more of a scratch with a little blood
- She uses her magic to try to become invisible again and attacks from the left
- She points her horn, trying to pierce where her wing connects to her body

(notes below!)

BG | dragon | horse



Teaching Spar Notes::
1. Your first sentence has repeating words again! IT would flow better if you had written "The idea of sparring was absurd" rather than repeat the word "idea".

2. You shouldn't end sentences with an infinitive (which I do all the time :| ). "to her" is non-essential to what you wrote. For example, "yet... even now, her sparring was useless." See? The same message without those words, leaving you more room later in case you get close to the 800 word limit.

3. "Her home she thought was long forgotten, Elsa thought rarely of her mother and father, and less often of her sister. " This sentence is very confusing. "Elsa rarely thought of her mother and father, and her sister was thought of even less. Her home was long forgotten." I am not 100% sure why this sentence is incorrect using big-girl grammar terms (lol), but I can tell you that it is.

4. "Maybe Elsa was stuck in the sick cycle of her homeland, even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay. " This sentence needs a conjunction since they are two, independent clauses. So, you should stick it between somewhere before the word 'even'. For example, "Maybe Elsa was stuck in the sick cycle of her homeland, because even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay."

5. Remember that if you make a list, you have to use the right "to"! She is still "too reserved," and "too cold".

6. "Speaking of blind, during that moment she heard the White Queen approaching from the left; she flinched, this was very bad news. " Your sentence "this was very bad news" is an independent sentence, so it either needs to be on it's own or separated by a conjunction.

7. I really like your flow though! You have a great lead from thoughts to action, and you really provided great reasoning and emotion for Elsa!

8. This is amazing: "A spar without scars is useless; one cannot learn if they do not fail.".

9. I would start to work on bringing in environment and physical differences again. Why isn't Elsa using her wings? Where are they positioned? What about her long hair? The sand? The weather? Etc...




Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.


Please tag me in every response!

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#8
3 weeks have passed. Elsa defaults to Ophelia. Tamme has requested partial judging.

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: OPHELIA is the winner!

OPHELIA
Realism [+4]
:: I’m glad you noted character differences in your first post, but they sometimes felt more forced than organic. They were better in the second post.
:: Good job working in the confusing direction change.
:: The attacks were well thought out and responses to damage well considered.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: Through your first two posts, the emotion has been lovely. Present, but not overbearing, very telling and descriptive but not distracting. Very good, though rather static until the last post.
:: Ice magic reminding Ophelia of Mauja was a nice touch.


Prose [+3.5]
:: There was some weird tense stuff early in your first post.
:: It was easy to see the posts were read over and edited well before posting.


Readability [+2]
:: Not knowing this Elsa well and unaware of her skill, Ophelia telegraphed her initial attack, letting the winged one know that she was beginning their fight. Never quite figured out what ‘telegraphed’ meant in this context.

Finally tally: 60.5+(11*2)= 82.5 HP

*******************************************

ELSA
Realism [+2.5]
:: Ophelia, if she hadn’t moved by this point, would be on her left side. I think you switched sides here. They should have been right side to right side in my understanding. And then confusing positioning continues into the next attack and the buck, where I think you switched back to the original positions. Careful with stuff like this!
:: I like the way you worked in Ophelia’s magic and how it would have affected Elsa.
:: Otherwise, attacks and responses to damage were well thought out.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: I liked that when she stepped on the sandy ground she associated with the Heart.
:: even when she thought she had fully removed the thorn, the scar would still stay. I liked this a lot.


Prose [+2]
:: Ophelia was too quiet, to reserved, to cold to understand. Should be ‘too’ throughout.
:: hopefully moving down the Ice Queens right side. Need an apostrophe.
:: There were a few other small mistakes sprinkled throughout
:: Posts were well-written but sometimes, especially in the first post, your writing felt a little scattered and not entirely cohesive to me.


Readability [+2]
:: I had to go back and re-read regarding the direction change in the first post.

Finally tally: 50.5+(8*2)= 66.5 HP


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