the Rift


[JUDGED] Salt Smarts [xLena]

Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#1
Sialia
I tried to sell my soul last night, it's funny he wouldn't even take a bite.


Blue's observe, in the early morning light. I walk out of my cave, stretching as I go, each limb straining. After its done I snort softly, looking about me, black tresses falling into my face. Today was my spar with Lena. I had delivered invitations with her once, when Glacia had first been born, and I had seen her at various herd events, be it meetings or gatherings... I take a deep breath and trek my way towards the northern end of the Basin. I take my time, munching along the way, drinking out of the lake, letting the sun warm my shiny black coat. Soon enough I was fully awake, and I was moving faster, taking bigger strides, warming my body up for the upcoming spar. As I get closer I watch the sparse trees slowly appear, the frozen lake slowly fading away, until I reach a small clearing. My head swings slowly around, looking at my surroundings, spotting the hot springs directly behind me. It was close, and easily accessible for after the fight should the sore muscles be in need of the soothing heated water.

I look around again, before moving off at a trot to look at the clearing, make sure it was all in order. Also, I was limbering my body up for my spar. After I am satisfied I halt, haunches turned towards the springs. A short snort comes out of my raised head into the mis morning air, directly before a bellow echoes out from my muzzle. "Lena! I am ready when you are!" I call out into the sky, head raised high, as black ears flick back in forth, catching the twitter of birds, the snap of twigs that where not the heavy mass of a horse. As I wait, my mind turns to my last spar with Roland. I cringe. Today would hopefully not be a repeat of that terrible performance. I did not want to lose again. My pride couldn't take it. I might not survive it. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little now. I would survive it. It would just cause me to strive harder to achieve my goals.

And so I wait, my recent loss weighing heavy on my mind, in the empty silence of my mind, but the surround air buzzing with the summer busyness and glee, like the slow, annoying tick of a cuckoo clock. Just hurry it up already.


"Speech here."
Tag;; @[Lena]
Words;;
Notes;; For Tallsun spars! Takes place mid morning before the heat sets in, in a small oval clearing close to the hot springs. Sparse tree's and shrubs surround the area, the footing is fair thanks to the sticky green grass and moist ground. If you head south a few minutes away the edge of the lake can clearly be seen.




Credits: Image by semper
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Lena the Songbird Posts: 663
Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 4 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 69 | Buff: NOVICE
Imogen :: Common Kitsune :: Fire Heather
#2



The Songbird was at war with herself.

It was a cyclical paradox, the same, eternal, endless struggle she often ruminated upon in times of crisis, in times of peril, in times of treachery. She didn’t yearn for violence, didn’t long for bloodshed, didn’t reap or slash or stab often – and when she did indulge, in vehemence, in violence, it was for campaigns. There was always purpose lodged behind the brilliant fire and brimstone, the passionate, fervent flight of abhorrence (children stolen, a home taken), and only on rare occasions she found herself marching towards a spar, practice, or skirmishes.

She was meant to heal, to nourish, to assuage and soothe, not rend, break, tear, and lacerate. Herein the principles of her nature collided, so used to the smooth, tranquil trek of her existence (sing, sing, wield time, sing, sing, then sing again), always intending to stay away from the shadows, from the deceptive realms, from the catastrophic fringes. The Mender was a piece of backbone, never truly a sword, for the Basin. Perhaps she could be a shield, a coat of arms, a smile on difficult days; but not a cutlass, not a rapier, along the threshold of duels.

But then, she thought of monsters, of demons, of murderers (a little boy wounded again, dead on the cavern floor, Roland burning to ash from a cretin fueled by hate, by loathing, by contempt), and the overwhelming determination, resolution, to grow stronger, to become mighty, to be capable of protecting her herd, drove over the waves of blossoms, of petals, of florets.

The sylph would fight, as she always did whenever called, summoned, and beckoned, lending her body for the fray, for the misery, for the pain and anguish, rehearsing for the stage of battle. She never knew which lines to recite, where to block, where to yield, where to cower or where to stand, repeating mantras in her head, remembering the distant pieces of her short life, diabolical whims taking, taking, taking the Edge, the fog, the mist, the crag –

Lena followed Sialia’s outcry, her readiness, her fortitude, and swallowed the bile coating her throat. She memorized the outline of the clearing, the fume of the hot springs, the waving grass (Imogen hid once in the bushes, waiting and waiting for her moment to spring; obeyed her wishes until the Pegasus destroyed her), the moist ground. Her eyes wavered and ghosted from one thing to the next, remembering wraiths, chilling monsters, golden warriors, allowing a brief shudder to roll through her shoulders.

She wasn’t in the Edge. She was here, within the Basin, within her chilling, beautiful confines, galvanized, kindled, incited, ready and eager to protect, to serve. Imogen coaxed, needled, pried from the background, moved to linger nearby, a carving force grinding behind her eyes (because the vixen wanted this, maybe even more than Lena).

Sialia stood, strong, tall, proud, a soldier in the ranks awaiting a healer to attack her. A quaking sigh flowed through the Mender’s throat, fluttering and basking in the midday warmth, Imogen crackling and fervent by the hot spring rocks, and all Lena could see was a mother delivering invitations with her daughter, springing from one area to the next when they yearned for celebration, when they appealed for hope. You can do this, Imogen twisted and distorted, coated and coaxed, and the fairy offered a single, saddening smile to the larger, muscular mare, begging for something out of reach.

She didn’t want to hurt or harm one of her own.

Lightly, she began her movement. Delicate, soft, supple, lithe and elegant, she proceeded in a lively pace, rapidly gaining ground, the closer she got, the faster she became (because maybe then it would be over quicker, the pain, the torment, the chaos and bedlam), intending to pass left to left, front to front. Aiming for the first blow, she applied no ounce of hatred, no weight of malice, no segment of loathing, lowering her maw in hopes of grazing the sable mare’s left hip with her teeth, a simple nip, a gesture of repose in a time of confrontation.


[686 words. 1/3. @[Sialia]
Lena, distraught and muddled by her decisions to spar, comes towards Sialia from the front, intending to pass left to left. During this endeavor, she reaches towards Sialia’s left hip, hoping to graze her with a light nip.]


Lena</style>
where there is love, there is life.</style>

image by safetylast @ flickr.com

Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#3
Sialia
I tried to sell my soul last night, it's funny he wouldn't even take a bite.


I am left waiting for some time, my mind lingering on things that diminish my confidence, The quiet killing me. When my opponent finally arrives... Her confidence seems lower than mine. She does not bear the posture of one ready to fight, instead one who has forced themselves into it, and regretting that decision. I can only feel sadness for the beautiful healer. She was the one to heal us soldiers after all of our battles, to see the wounds caused by fighting. The ugly gashes that she turned time back, into perfect flawless skin.

Her attack is graceful, starting off delicately, gaining in speed but elegance. You can't deny that the girl has style. 10 points for style, but what of her attack. She is at my front, before moving to my left. My haunches bunch in preparation to move out of her way, yet I am underestimating the time healers speed. Her head snakes out just as my front end begins to lift, and ouch. She's got me. What was meant as a bite sears in pain, but I relish in it. This was part of the fun of the fight. my royal blue's flash in pain, and excitement, if only for a moment before lowering myself to the ground with a heavy thump. I am not one to linger however, and I am spinning to my left, haunches bunching under my frame, to propel me forward towards to retreating hind end of Lena, one hip screaming in protest at this action.

I'm fast too, Songbird. My pearly white open wide, I snap my teeth closed on what I hope is the flesh of the haunches. It's a risky attack, and many scenario's could come to play, but it's worth the risk... If only to get this spar finished for the Time Menders sake.


"Speech here."
Tag;; @[Lena]
Words;; 306 words
Notes;; Attack 1/3: Sialia spins to the left to follow Lena, attempting to bite at her left hind cheek.

Injuries: The roll was a critical hit, sooo -> Has a nasty bite on her left hip, that while not bleeding profusely, hurts quiet a lot.




Credits: Image by semper
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Lena the Songbird Posts: 663
Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 4 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 69 | Buff: NOVICE
Imogen :: Common Kitsune :: Fire Heather
#4


The Mender received no pleasure from injuring one of her own. There was no enjoyment in the dance of titans, of behemoths, of monsters and crusaders. The assault was quick and sudden, far more damage than she’d intended, like a slip of a viper, striking out from the unknown. Her features nearly fell into a fit of apology, ready to extend the sincere regret and rue for her actions, but Imogen, wild and eager, bristled through her mind – a constant beacon and reminder for the Songbird. She’s a Soldier, she’s ready for this bridged over their silent connection, but the notion still surged through the sylph’s heart, of bodies flourishing at the thought, at the hint, at the notion of battle (and how the sentiments always made her uneasy). In some moments, she’d been one of those cretins and creatures, lost to the whims, to the capricious, mercurial exploits, to the taste of violence and vigilance (and every time, it had come crashing down around them).

Instead of faltering, instead of begging for forgiveness, she continued on, waiting for a segment of retaliation. Her frame recalled the avaricious inferno consuming, swallowing, and devouring her existence by the sea, and though she knew naught of Sialia’s capabilities, the fear was still paramount, brushed and nestled alongside her determination, her bravery, her stalwart manifestos. She promised, in the thick of quiet, in the turn of her head, a wholesome creed, a flourishing conviction: to heal if anything went terribly awry, to sing and mend and assuage if brutality began to fixate too rashly over their skirmish.

While Imogen waited, humming a vicious, potent hymn, the nymph heard the swish of grass, the return of movement and motion, twisting her ears in hopes of capturing the location of the sable mare’s pursuit. Was the Amazon rapid, fleet-of-foot? The unknown rattled her thoughts; she maneuvered her cranium to witness the femme reaching for her passing left haunch, and then escalated her own speed.

Her pace was a swift, straight shot, yearning to simply get out of range. She nearly bolted to the hot springs, for the ivory kitsune’s smirking face, turning right, haphazard, apprehensive motions, a gazelle flustered and reeling from their predator of the day. The actions must have worked, for she felt no pain slinking across her body, no bursting agony filtering through her psyche; just her heart fluttering in chaotic traces, her mind trying to administer the next branch of tactics.

The vixen in the grass, however, was probably the only Machiavellian mind she required. While the Mender strived to flee, Imogen longed for the bitter relish of hostility, of vehemence, of trickery and deceit. Let me! she craved, flashing along pieces of her plan to Lena’s mind, narrowing her eyes in avaricious glee, peeling back the veneer of innocence. Fueled and incited, excited and kindled, the fox attempted to slide alongside Sialia’s right, quiet, aloof, tending to the long, wet grass, hiding amongst its savage growth.

The mare only swallowed, and turned back towards Sialia’s left in a meandering circle, increasing her tempo as Imogen’s plot calculated and scored. It was meant to be a simultaneous attack, depending on where the opposing presence intended to be. Lena was incapable of predicting her movement, but the endeavor would be made, no matter how much her heart hated it. Remember the purpose, she proposed to herself as she pursued, approached, Sialia’s left side again, practicing – without practice, all of us would be doomed.

In the same breadth, they combined their undertaking. From the right, Imogen leaped away from the tangling lawn, maw gaping, hackles raised, fangs reaching for a piece of Sialia’s right hind (lightly, Lena admonished, and only the briefest flicker of disappointment crossed from the vixen’s end), while Lena drifted towards Sialia’s left barrel, intending to mark her only with another brief nip.

[643 words. 2/3.
Lena bolts away from Sialia’s impending attack, going straight towards the hot springs, then drifting right, and the attack misses. Out of the way, she allows Imogen’s battle strategy to take over, and circles back around to begin coming towards Sialia’s left again (so they’re facing left to left). Imogen maneuvers along Sialia’s right side (hiding in the grass, coming from the hot spring shore), and depending on how much Sialia moved during this time frame, the kitsune aims to bite lightly at her right haunch. Lena’s nip, hopefully done simultaneously, is aimed towards Sialia’s left barrel.]


Lena</style>
where there is love, there is life.</style>

image by safetylast @ flickr.com

Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#5
Sialia
I tried to sell my soul last night, it's funny he wouldn't even take a bite.


God dammit! My mind files on what I needed to work on, and obviously speed is one of them! I barely miss the Songbirds haunches, my teeth clacking loudly as all they grab is air and dust, instead of soft, tender, warm flesh oozing with blood. The Time Mender shoots off far away, and I instead bring myself to a screeching halt, haunches nearly sitting down, sliding for a moment before I bring myself to a standing position. My royal blue eyes move up to lock on to Lena's dark moving frame. She was moving straight towards the hot springs, and for a moment I almost thought she was running away, and for that split second my heart sunk in disgust and disappointment. Ears flicking back to lay flat against my head, I let out a hard snort, but Lena seems to change her mind about running off to bath in the warm soothing springs.

Excitement builds again, but my ears never change their position, instead watching as my opponent turns her body towards me once more, and coming at me once more to my left. I count her strides as she quickly approaches, not paying heed to the approaching vixen, all eyes on the Time Mender. As she gets closer my muscles bunch under my body, and a screaming hip protests as I launch myself forward again towards Lena's left side. Just as I was reaching Lena I became aware of the snapping of my heels, when I felt the pain lace up my right hind leg. My ears pin flat against my skull, and I have to admit it was a good strategy. But I must push through it, and as Lena and I reach each other, her neck snakes out to bite my barrel, and I subtly change my trajectory into throwing my weight and shoulders against Lena's left hip. Without any idea on if my counter attack worked, I take off away from Lena and her companion at least ten strides before I roll back on my screaming haunches, to look back in the direction that Lena had been headed. A small nick on my hind leg bothered me little, and the sweet bite on my barrel didn't cause to much pain either. However, there is pressure on my shoulders that I can't tell are from shock of impact, or if instead is just my own hopeful imagination.

Whatever the result, I am impressed by the Time Mender, who only a few moments ago came in with the confidence of a mouse. She and her companion could make good soldiers, given the correct tools. They obviously already had good strategic minds.


"Speech here."
Tag;; @[Lena]
Words;; 445 words
Notes;; Attack 2/3 As Lena bites at her barrel Sialia pushes and throws her weight and shoulders at Lena's hips/hind end in an attempt to hit her and throw her off balance. After this attack she takes off straight forward before doing a roll back to look in the direction that Lena was headed.

Injuries;;The roll was a critical hit, sooo -> Has a nasty bite on her left hip, that while not bleeding profusely, hurts quiet a lot.

Has a small nick on her right hind leg, just above the cornet band, and a bite on her barrel. Both are fairly non bothersome and do not inhibit Sialia.




Credits: Image by semper
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Lena the Songbird Posts: 663
Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 4 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 69 | Buff: NOVICE
Imogen :: Common Kitsune :: Fire Heather
#6


The true depravity, the harsh insurgency, and the callous contortion of battle rattled against the Songbird in a flurry of movement. While their assault had been marginally successful (and she didn’t want to careen into enthusiasm at such a result), the collision thereafter was a devastating blow. No sooner had she reached for Sialia’s barrel, intending for only a light touch, a small, meager nip, did she find herself thrown off her intended path. Like a battering ram, the other femme launched into her left hip, her slightly larger mass unwinding the fairy into a series of stumbling motions.

You can’t fall she uttered in a mindless trance, over and over, back and forth, while her legs tripped and tumbled over themselves. The sylph found herself reeling, sidestepping in a panicked, convoluted fashion; no grace, no finesse, no elegance, attempting to right her body in a quick, swift motion. She stumbled at first, felt the dirt, the tundra floor, grind into her front limbs, then haggardly, drunkenly, swayed upward, breathless, apprehensive, and body pounding with the aches, the pains, of an augured bruise. Nerves shook through her system, and she was suddenly back in the Edge, thoughts clouded like the overwhelming fog, billowing in and all around her, and her lungs seized, terror, horror, and perturbation possessing her frame: where was the golden mare gliding through the trees?

She blinked, and her eyes instantly rounded to a widened, frightened stance (too haunted, too choked by things left long ago), and she felt so utterly stupid, so fragile, so weak and pathetic, drenched and dwindled to nothing in the valley of their strong, secure Basin, incapable of taking a hit without alarm or agitation. Is this what she’d wanted, to break and fall apart at the seams, to be a victim of violence and vigilance when she’d been ready, fervent, capable moments earlier? What was wrong with her? Was she so flighty? Was she so inconsistent? Was she so mercurial that in one second she could be flattened into a trembling mouse, a shivering sheep? Why had she bothered to participate in this skirmish, in this practice, if she couldn’t take the foreshadowed siege?

Imogen snapped like a whip, a diligent, fighting force in her mind. Get it together. Can’t be like this. Lena is strong. Lena is determined. The fey took one chiseled, tremulous breath, and glanced towards Sialia, an honored soldier, standing yards away. Did Sialia think she was weak too, a fragile little creature, incapable of protecting the things she coveted and loved?

Bound perhaps only by sheer tenacity, Lena began again, clenching her jaw, ivories digging into the sides of her maw, limbs quivering, columns shaking, but following orders. She wasn’t as fast, she wasn’t as swift, the soreness in her left side and front limbs was enough to keep the keen, rapid endeavors away (flickering once or twice in a burning, scalding tone, laced with a vivid, rampant potency) – but for the current idea, she didn’t need to be. She’d begun to close the distance, face to face with her sable opponent, Imogen rambling to her right side, when the femme started to sing.

The tunes didn’t carry her bright tones, didn’t carry her wholesome sentiments, didn’t offer or bestow assuaging moments. Instead, they were dark, dangerous, and bursting with molten shards, painful, fleeting rivulets of a treacherous beauty, launching, unwinding, unfurling with hints of their devastating power. A vivid, tangible enchantment, for no sooner had her maw parted, then the embers curled and coiled within the summer vestiges, enlightened, emboldened, becoming a molten, burning shower, intending to cascade over Sialia’s back, drench along her spine, singe across her hips. Though wicked, though disastrous, they were light, few and far between, specks and flakes of potential, still utterly incapable of truly damaging a member of her brethren.

[641 words. 3/3. @[Sialia]
Lena’s surprised at Sialia’s battering force, and sidesteps away due to the ram, left side bruised and aching. She nearly falls, stumbling down to her front limbs, but raises herself quickly. She attempts to close the distance, slowly due to the aching limbs, a few yards away from Sialia (face to face), when she begins to use her fire singing magic, attempting to have it lightly rain down on Sialia from above (along her spine, across her hips).]


Lena</style>
where there is love, there is life.</style>

image by safetylast @ flickr.com

Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#7
Sialia
I tried to sell my soul last night, it's funny he wouldn't even take a bite.


The reaction from my impact is not what I had expected.

As I turn towards my opponent, I catch what seems to be the tail end of her stumble. For a moment I think she might fall- and she nearly does. I watch in anticipation as the songbird's front legs crash down on the earth, But within seconds, in an awkward motion Lena pulls herself up again.

For a moment after she pulls herself together, she is still, frozen almost. My ebony ears flip forward, watching the time mender curiously. What was going on in her sweet mind? Then Lena drew a shaky breath, and her head turned to look at me. What was to be her next attack, Hm?

Then she is moving again, however not nearly as fast or limber has she had before. No, my attack had shaken her. Bruised her. But she closes the distance still, with her kitsune by her side. Then the most odd thing begins to happen. She starts to sing.

Confusion curls through me. Come on! This isn't a singing contest! But her voice is not cheery, not at all. No, it's dark, foreboding, and it makes me uncomfortable. I am shocked into being still at the creatures singing. Was she daft? However I am swiftly jerked into action, as a singing burning sensation hits my back, one right after the other. My haunches curl beneath me, trying to get out from under the cloud of burning rain, but I am not shooting forward with the same velocity as the muscles twitch in agony, the nerves of my spine not wanting to listen due to the distraction of hot hot hot!

As I scoot from underneath the falling embers, I move back to a trot, my head hanging low, a loud snort shooting from my nostrils as I try to control the writhing muscles of my back. Once I marginally got control again I turn my body towards Lena, for my final attack and I pick up a painful canter, between my stinging hip and my writhing back I am not fast nor limber either. I move towards Lena, head on, Head down and as I finally reach her, I dodge to the side slowly, as my lips and ivories reach out to bite at her shoulder, teeth snapping, though with flesh and bone, I don't know, before pulling away, only to slow my gates to a trot and a walk, then finally a halt. I keep turned away for a moment, my eyes closing for a couple of seconds, exhaustion achy in my muscles, and my back still stinging from the burning embers. I evaluate my injuries, and my evaluation is that never underestimate your opponent. You may just be surprised with what they can do. Finally my head turns to look at Lena, one final time, and I nod in her direction. It is courteous, and frankly I don't care on if I got her or not. A smile is on my lips, as I do so, before my larger frame turns towards the hot springs, and slowly I lumber my way to them to soak and think on the things I have learned.



"Speech here."
Tag;; @[Lena]
Words;; 534 words
Notes;; Attack 3/3: After shooting forward from under Lena's fire magic, Sialia turns to face Lena head on, picking up a slow canter. As she approaches the Songbird she dodges to the right and bites at her right shoulder, before pulling away and heading straight then coming to a halt.


Note: I'm not really sure where Lena is at, So I'm just going with that they are still head on with each other, because you never specified on if she stopped or continued forward after using her magic ^^ I hope you do not mind!

Injuries: The roll was a critical hit, sooo -> Has a nasty bite on her left hip, that while not bleeding profusely, hurts quiet a lot.

Has a small nick on her right hind leg, just above the cornet band, and a bite on her barrel. Both are fairly non bothersome and do not inhibit Sialia.

Has a few burns along her back and hips, That sting rather awful, causing Sialia to move much slower and not as deftly, and with much less power.



Credits: Image by semper
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Lena the Songbird Posts: 663
Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 4 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 69 | Buff: NOVICE
Imogen :: Common Kitsune :: Fire Heather
#8


The dark, tingling essence of vile contortions, horrid manipulations, bits and pieces of unfurled, uncoiled fire ended abruptly when she shut her mouth, surveying the damage she caused. The embers sprinkled over Sialia’s hide, and the guilt funneled and furrowed deep into her brows, along her chest, rippling and wrinkling any successful, content, or gratitifed sentiment she may have felt. She went back and forth in a constant seesaw of triumph, then melancholy, festering amongst this strange, unnerving brew. Should she be proud of her accomplishments, or ashamed at maiming a fellow herd member? Should she cheer at her efforts, or utter a stream of apologies? Should she gleam and prance, or lower her head in chagrin?

But she didn’t have much time to putter around the hollowed void, the bitter sector pulsing in her chest, for no sooner had the rain of coals dashed across Sialia’s form, did she begin again, cantering, striding towards her, coasting along the tundra lines and loam, and the sense of battle struck the poor Songbird again.

She approached head on, and for a moment Lena thought they might crash, become battering rams of the icy regime, toppling over in jousting formations, and lay emboldened across the earth. But the other femme dodged towards the right, ivories bared, lancing and lacing for her right shoulder.

Her bruised contortions, her fighting spirit, yearned not to be clashed and lacquered with another wound, another laceration, another mark, and hastened her bruised, battered body into a surge of stride. It felt like forever, bracing her marked limbs (they reminded her of their presence in a swift, rapid force of pain, of numbing, binding aches) against the summer grass, pushing, pushing, pushing, launching towards the left, and managing to miss the snap, the crunch, the chomp, of Sialia’s teeth.

And just like that – it was over. Her first spar completed. Sialia stood a few yards away, a smile on her features, before wandering towards the hot springs, and Lena’s gallant heart pulsed with a manic frenzy, trying to draw on breath, repose, and resolution. She’d done it – not without pain, not without torment, but she’d managed to secure experience, and the notion alone had to be something: either she was capable, or a floundering dunce.

Slowly, carefully, she too drew along in the direction of the mending springs, broadening her own grin despite the bitter, stiffening contortions to her left side, Imogen rushing along her limbs (far too much triumph laced in her furry, ferocious little core). She laced warm songs, bright, luminescent chords, fluttering them back towards the breeze, as if naught had ever happened. “Thank you for the spar. Would you like me to heal you?”

Perhaps next time she’d be able to endure even more.

[1/1 final defense post. 460 words.
Since the attack missed, as Sialia comes towards Lena’s right shoulder, the Mender dodges to the left.

Overall injuries: bruised, battered left side (especially her left hip). Front limbs also a bit bruised.

Thank you for the spar Nessie! ^_^]




Lena</style>
where there is love, there is life.</style>

image by safetylast @ flickr.com

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: LENA is the winner!

LENA
Realism [+2.5]
:: Considering that Lena was already running, Sialia had to turn around, and that Lena is only one point less in speed than Sialia, I think that just running forward was a decent enough explanation for why Lena was able to avoid Sialia’s bite. Even so, her agility is twice as much as Sialia’s (10 vs 5, respectively), so it might have been more realistic to use Lena’s agility as a reason she was able to escape damage rather than speed. This is just being nit-picky and is something to think about for your next fight.
:: Remember the purpose, she proposed to herself as she pursued, approached, Sialia’s left side again, practicing Remember to give Sialia an out. Try to approach her left side, don’t just do it. Same thing with Imogen’s attack just thereafter.
:: She’d begun to close the distance, face to face with her sable opponent, Same thing here- attempt, don’t do.
:: I didn’t see much mention of scenery or breed differences.


Emotion [+2]
:: I loved the meek attack you paired with all of Lena’s hesitation. It was well done and really added to the sense that Lena wasn’t happy with what she was doing.
:: Lena’s rattled confidence after that heavy hit in your third post was beautiful! Well done!


Prose [+3.5]
:: Fueled and incited, excited and kindled, the fox attempted to slide alongside Sialia’s right, quiet, aloof, tending to the long, wet grass, hiding amongst its savage growth. Your prose is unique and beautiful, but be careful with sentences like this (especially the part I bolded). At first I read quiet and aloof as words describing Sialia and not Imogen.


Readability [+2.5]
:: Imogen hid once in the bushes, waiting and waiting for her moment to spring; obeyed her wishes until the Pegasus destroyed her What pegasus? I’m confused. Reading on, I think this is supposed to be a flashback of sorts, but it wasn’t entirely clear to me at first.
:: Otherwise, well edited and easy to read.

Finally tally: 57.5+(10.5*2)= 78.5HP

*******************************************

SIALIA
Realism [-0.5]
:: A critical hit is the most damage a character can take during a fight. I didn’t get any sense that the damage you took from Lena in your first post was really affecting Sialia at all. Give me more! Describe the nature of the injury, the pain now, Sialia’s reaction, the current effects, maybe allude to the effects it will have in the future. More, more, more!
:: I subtly change my trajectory into throwing my weight and shoulders against Lena's left hip. All throughout your second post, in describing your attack, I’ve been hedging about whether to dock you or not. You’ve been very absolute in naming your position relative to Lena. In some ways I let it go because Lena had already dictated her position, but at this point, while attacking, you cannot dictate your exact position.
:: Again, in your second post, I’m really not getting any sense of how much damage you took. You keep bringing up that her haunches hurt from her previous injury, so that’s good, but mentioning it and showing it to me are two different things. I want to see Sialia slowed down, or hesitating to make some actions because of that pain. Don’t just tell me things, make them real.
:: Then Lena drew a shaky breath, I don’t see this anywhere in Lena’s post. I can see how it fits what Lena was feeling and doing at the time, but don’t create actions for your opponent- even small ones like this.
:: By your third post, I think you actually might have taken enough damage, but again I cannot tell. I need more description! Don’t leave me wanting. You have so many words left- use them!
:: I move towards Lena, head on, No dictating Lena’s position!
:: I didn’t see much mention of scenery or breed differences.


Emotion [-1.5]
:: You kind of gave me some mild sense of who Sialia was in your first post, but I don’t really understand why she’s fighting or what her motives are. You had so many words left, and I’m sure Sialia has a beautiful personality, but you didn’t give me much to read into.
:: I almost learned nothing about Sialia throughout the course of this fight. I want more emotion! Make Sialia come to life for me! In general, your posts were very technical, which isn’t the fun part to read about.


Prose [-2]
:: She does not bear the posture of one ready to fight, instead one who has forced themselves into it, and regretting that decision. Kind of an awkward sentence. It could have easily been broken up into two with a few extra, added words, of which you had plenty left.
:: The ugly gashes that she turned time back, into perfect flawless skin. Just another example. Already I’m getting the sense that you might not have put a lot of effort into editing your posts. A tip might be to go back and read these aloud, so that you can tell if the sentences are worded awkwardly or not.
:: Excitement builds again, but my ears never change their position, instead watching as my opponent turns her body towards me once more, The way this reads, its Sialia’s ears that are watching Lena’s approach. Careful when you link sentences with commas that the subjects they refer to are the same.
:: a screaming hip protests as I launch myself forward again towards Lena's left side. Just as I was reaching Lena I became aware of the snapping of my heels, when I felt the pain lace up my right hind leg. Switching tenses.
:: as a singing burning sensation hits my back, one right after the other. Do you mean stinging? Also, be consistent. You say it is a singular sensation, but then say it is one right after the other implying multiple.
:: I dodge to the side slowly, as my lips and ivories reach out to bite at her shoulder, teeth snapping, though with flesh and bone, I don't know, before pulling away, only to slow my gates to a trot and a walk, then finally a halt. There’s a lot going on with this sentence, but I mostly pulled it out as another example that said to me that you did not edit your work before posting. Remember these posts are being judged- go through them with a fine-toothed comb before posting!


Readability [+0]
:: In your first post, grammatical and punctuation errors abound. It is really distracting and makes it very difficult to want to read.
:: Sometimes you capitalize Time Mender and sometimes you don’t. Typically, capitalizing it would be most proper, but even if you consistently didn’t capitalize it, that would be fine. The fact that you switch is distracting.

Finally tally: 26+(-4*2)= 18HP


Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture