the Rift


[JUDGED] Buried by the sands of the hourglass
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme
#6
Ophelia the Forsaken
still the raven knows if I fall

Ophelia watched the way her curious feathery appendages (could she call them wings just by shape alone?) pressed against the nape of her neck, and she wanted to smile. They had no real function besides expression of emotion, but regardless, they were beautiful in their frivolity. Maren returned her sentiments on the battle, and she nodded subtly in response, liking this Disciple already. She was as fiery as the burnished orange of her coat and as mysterious as her even stripes. Space between them increase before the battle started a brief pause of palatable tension sparking in the air. Tinek, the silver dragon, remained seated on the nearby rock, observing her bonded engage again in combat. He wished her well by flooding her mind with calming colors, giving hope to her heart.

The pale princess dug her cloven toes into the sand, launching her body forward with spiraled horn wielded like a sword. She yanked her head to the side, intent on spearing Maren across her side, but the winged angel fell to the left, dropping from her attack with such graceful ease. Ophelia swiftly gathered her long, pale legs beneath her, propelling her body out of the vicinity. She heard teeth snap behind her, a bite narrowly missed as she dodged Maren’s attack. Ears tilted back and focus wavering; Ophelia took a harsh misstep onto a sharp rock, bruising the tender sole of her right gray, split hoof. She yanked the leg upward in shock, gasping as the painful sting radiated up her whole leg. Swiftly, she used the toe of her hoof to kick it out of the way, eyes scanning the ground to ensure that she was safe from further stones.

How many bloody times would she manage to injure herself in a battle? The mare’s ears tilted back, her expression curling into a scowl as her thoughts wandered back to her fight with Deimos in which his damage compounded with her inexperience and clumsiness to result in a catastrophic failure. Ophelia had never been so embarrassed or defeated before, and this battle was shaping up to be a similar disaster. Seconds spanned as her thoughts collided, and she spied Maren gathered strength in her hindquarters out of the corner of her left, blue eye. Ophelia set low on her haunches and backed away quickly, relying on her agile, sloping frame to narrowly escape the whispering hooves that wooshed just past her nose.

Long, white lashes flickered against her cheeks, protecting her strange, dual-colored eyes from the offending sands, and Ophelia snapped them back open the moment familiar thuds of hoof to sand alerted her to safety. She took the opportunity to unravel her powers, mental fingers sliding their way to Maren’s brain in the hopes that she could erase the memories of her present position. Battle required too much concentration to dig deep into the past, but she possibly could appear invisible as seconds of time flittered away from existence. Hopefully shielded by memory loss, the pale princess jumped toward her opponent’s left side, jaws wide open and aiming to bite along the tiger’s crest.

Pale ivories bared, she shifted, moving what she intended to be nose to tail, and desired to scrape her maw along the mare’s spine. Not wanting to linger long behind the powerful limbs of her quarters, Ophelia spin swiftly to the right, hip fixed while her shoulder carried her in a semi-circle. Upon the conclusion of her turn, she lashed out with her hind hooves. Very little power thrust with her kick, and she landed nearly as quickly, hoping that her quick actions had staved off any brutal attack. Fighting with the silver armor was slowly getting easier, and its weight and hindrance were no longer crippling detriments. In fact, she barely noticed the light, minimalist weight arcing over her form anymore, and the light hanging from her horn throbbed with the beat of her heart.

Breath came in gasps, the weight of the air pressing on her lungs. Sweat frothed at her sides as the heat of the rising sun intensified.


[[(681 words) (2/3)
- Ophelia takes the crit miss damage by bruising the sole of her right hoof
- She dodges Maren's bite by leaning out of the way and jumps to dodge her kick
- Ophelia uses her memory erasing magic to try to erase her last position from Maren's memory, giving her the illusion of being invisible
- Ophelia then lunges forward, trying to bite Maren's crest and scrape her teeth down her back
- Turns on her haunches and kicks out ]]

@[Maren]

Credits: Image by Schwartze @ DA


Teaching Notes
First I want to say - great post! You had amazing imagery that really brought me into the heat of the environment. There were amazing details included like the sand Maren kicked up that definitely added to the overall picture of their battle. The following are my suggestions for your future posts and battles bullet pointed for ease.

1. How did Maren dodge? I get that she fell to the side, but how did her wings help her balance? This is one of those details in battle where you really want to get specific. Did she stay really close by? Did she narrowly miss Ophelia's horn? Did she miss by a wide margin?

2. Emotion! How does it feeling getting attacked my a unicorn's horn right from the start? Is she purely analytical? Does she not let her heart get in the way of her head? I really want to get into Maren's heart when you write her, and I feel like you definitely had some word-space to add to the over all "feel" of the battle. Why is she fighting? Does she still feel the same way about battle?

3. A few word issues: "fush" - I am not sure if you meant to type something else? "God damn., sure to be cursing a hell lot more in the continuation of this fight." Why will Maren be cursing? I think if you had worded it like this: "God damn! Maren was sure to be cursing like hell during the fight for not being as heavily equipped." If it's an intimate though, you can also set it apart with italics to differentiate between her personal observations and yours as a third person narrator.

4. Description! You had quite a bit of room to had some more description - particularly about your attacks. I know this round was difficult since you did not roll any damage, but you said that Maren tried to bite Ophelia - where? How hard? Also, you said that the bite was out of instinct - why? Is there some bit of history that explains this? Or is it just primal?

5. "...she let the assembled stress go and threw her hindquarters up, bucking, hoping to hit Ophelia's flank." I think that this was your best attack because it gave both description of her physical action as well as an intended target/direction.


That's it for now! I'll have more notes for your next posts <3333




Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.


Please tag me in every response!


Messages In This Thread
Buried by the sands of the hourglass - by Maren - 02-18-2015, 06:51 PM
RE: Buried by the sands of the hourglass - by Ophelia - 02-27-2015, 12:05 AM

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