REXANNA
Realism [+0]
Realism is where all sparrers struggle, I think, and that goes especially for new sparrers. You've sparred but have not had any judgements yet, so I understand that has made it hard to improve. You have a good grasp on realistic movements of horses, which is good! You make good use of directions which really helps the judges and your opponents.

In post one you write: “My hooves danced into the air a few inches off the ground with my quick movements and quickly thudded against the earth once again, closer to his. Even if my bite hit or missed, I still pushed myself to him.”, which is slight powerplay, because you can only write that you attempt to hit your hooves toward Erebos'. Make sure to use intentional language, there can never be too much!

In post two when Rexanna responds to Erebos' companion magic, you write: “I sucked the thick air into my lungs and snorted out of discomfort,”, which I thought having Rexanna react this way was creative, but not very realistic. Fog might be thick, but it’s just water vapors, not like smoke or smog which could choke/cause irritation in the eyes.

In post two, you write that Erebos “collided his horn with my right hind.”, but do not specify exactly hind what. You mention later it's her leg, but not what part of it. Following this injury, you say Rex cannot put a lot of weight on her injured leg, but then she bucks. That would still put a lot of strain on the injury, and doesn’t really make sense.

Also in post two, I think you took too much damage. For a roll of three I would have liked to see either Erebos' successful attack OR Rexanna running into the wall, but probably not both to the extent you wrote her injuries to turn out as. Remember that the damage rolls are a scale, 1 being the lowest and 6 being the highest, so 3 is a medium roll which should account for a medium amount of damage.

In post three you write: “Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us.”, which leaves me confused, because with the positioning you wrote before, I would think that if she ran forward she would run straight into the Rotunda’s wall? Make sure to stay consistent and back read your own posts.

Again, in post three, I am not sure what part of Rexanna you are talking about when you write: “a small bruise arising on my left hind”. Left hind what? Make sure to use anatomical language, there are anatomy guides in the guidebook. Continuing in post three I do not think Rexanna running away is realistic to the amount of damage you wrote her sustaining to her legs.

Once more, in post three: “I assumed he was still near the wall of the Rotunda, and I ran straight toward him hoping to stab at his left hind.”, is another instance of powerplay, because you can only write that you attempt to run straight toward Erebos, not that you actually do. Also, you can't stab someone in the hind (again, hind what?) if you're running head on to them.


Emotion [+0.5]
You have some brief mention of Rexanna’s history and emotions throughout the fight, but I was really wanting more. You only mention how she feels and thinks instead of really grasping your reader in making them feel how Rexanna feels. I liked her thoughts in the beginning regarding her lovely boys (Tembovu, Caleb, etc.), but I even would have liked more of that. You had a good chunk of word space left on /every/ post, so you definitely could have used it.

My favorite emotional part of this spar was Rexanna’s memory, and her response to it: “I wouldn't let that child be me. I needed to learn how to protect myself. I wanted to give up with the sharp pain that vibrated in my hind, but I knew if I did that would only make me weak.”

Prose [+1.5]
You do a good job at writing, but there were quite a few errors I found throughout the fight. Make sure you proofread a few times, and even try to read your posts out loud. It really does help!

P1: “It grew more curiosity to me,” – ...grew more curious...

P2: “I heard him cough in the distance and swiveled my head I thought he was.” – my head toward where I thought…

P2: “I was strong I could handle it” – Comma needed to break this up.

P3: "Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us." -- ...I sprang from them, doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us. Would be a better read, the last sentence is a fragment how you've written it.

P3: "...top was short lived and a blatent lie" -- blatant.

Readability [+1]
You are an improving writer, and I can tell you put some work into your posts. I did struggle with readability a little bit in judging your posts because of the errors throughout.

In post two, the line, “Then, I swiveled my head to my right thinking I heard the sound of hoofsteps. I moved to my right, stepping sideways thinking that he was coming up on my left” is super repetitive. You could have spared some words here by taking out the restatement, and it also made me reread a few times to make sure you were not trying to say something else.

Also in post two this line, “The burning pain from my rear followed with a dull sensation in my chest from the stone pulsed with each movement” reads awkwardly, and could have been phrased better.

Finally tally: 45+(3*2)= 51 HP



EREBOS
Realism [+3]
You obviously have a good grasp of what is realistic and what is not, and that helps you a lot with attacks and taking damage, which I thought you did really well.

You did well on bringing damage throughout the fight, especially for a roll of 6 affecting him throughout the remainder of the spar, but I would like to see more of how it hinders him rather than just stating he still feels it.

I would have liked to see more incorporation of how the battlefield helped or hindered him. Aside from hitting walls or trying to knock Rex into walls, there was very little mention of the surroundings. You still had some words left over, so you could have used this.

When writing, make sure to be clear on your attacks and the like. I was left confused and having to fill in my own blanks a few times, for you repeated the same mistake three times:

P1: “prayed to hit what he believed was her left hind.” – What? Left hind what?

P3: “brutal contact with his left hind,” -- What? Left hind what?

P3: “His hind lifted, intending to kick” – What? Left hind what?

Make sure to state which part of the leg that is being injured. I was left with just this big blurry image of Erebos’ hind end being attacked. Make sure to use anatomical language, there are anatomy guides in the guidebook.

Emotion [+1.5]
I got some hints of emotion throughout the spar, but I was really yearning for a little more. You usually had a good deal of words leftover.

What I loved most from Erebos was his intentions to become great. This line really nailed it in for me:
“No one would remember an underachiever. No one would shudder at a failure. No one would fear a flop.”

Prose [+3.5]
You are a great writer. You can tell you pay attention to detail and take quite a bit of care in making sure your posts are error free. I liked how vividly you wrote.

Readability [+2.5]
Your posts are engaging and beautifully written. You obviously take the time to proof-read through them to make sure they’re clear of error. I do think that you have a tendency to use too many run-on sentences, but in this spar it did not detract from the readability.


Finally tally: 38+(10.5*2)= 59 HP