the Rift


[JUDGED] Pick Up Your Feet [Ashamin v. Auriel]

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: ASHAMIN is the winner!

ASHAMIN
Realism [3.5]

Overall I think you did well with realism during this spar! You had to translate the dice rolls into both physical and magical attacks and I found the responses appropriate. Good job incorporating the scene into your posts - with such a difficult terrain it makes sense for Ashamin to be slipping on the ice and stumbling through the mud as much as he was.

Emotion [2]

I really liked Ashamin’s emotional rollercoaster throughout this spar! From being so ready for a new fight to being devastated from the effects of Auriel’s magic to just wanting the whole thing to stop, he went through a lot and you did a great job explaining all of it.

Although I did find the narrative of his emotions towards Auriel inconsistent between the second and third posts. At the bottom of post two this was how it ended: "The haruspex hoped, though, to hurt this mare. He wanted her to writhe in pain, to see her life and her love flash before her eyes. She deserved far worse than that for what she'd done." And at the start of the third post: "Seeing her in such pain, a sort of fuzzy apparition behind the cloud of his own breath in the cold, was not what he wanted." That's a very sudden flip from clearly stating he wanted to see her in a lot of pain and then suddenly claiming he did not want to see that at all.

Prose [4]

You have a great grasp on spelling and grammar and it shows throughout your posts! I couldn't find any blatant mistakes.

Readability [2]
For the most part, these posts were very easy to read and understand. There were just a few small things that I found a little awkward when I was reading through:

Post 1, paragraph 5: “As hallucination reigned Ashamin felt the tear as...” This phrase reads awkwardly without an article, I’d suggest it should be “as the hallucination reigned” or maybe even “as hallucinations reigned” if you don’t want to use one. And there should also be a comma after the introductory phrase - so between reigned and Ashamin.

In the third post, this part about Ashamin releasing his magic “The haruspex turned back to the mare, trying to peel back the fingers of his magic that so tightly gripped his heart,” I found this confusing because it was hard to tell whether you meant to say her heart, because that’s what the magic is actually affecting, or whether you just mean figuratively since he’s feeling guilty about using the magic? I would just be careful about your language in the future, especially in matters of the heart since his magic directly affects it.

I would also caution against some of the typical "horse rpg language" as it can be confusing and misleading as well - such as referring to Ashamin's hooves as daggers in the first attack post. Since daggers are an actual item that can be held by characters on Helovia, you might mislead your opponent about what he is actually using to strike. Since this spar is old it's difficult to tell whether Ashamin had his haladie at the time, so this is just a note for the future.

Finally tally: 39.5 + (11.5*2) = 62.5 HP

*******************************************

AURIEL
Realism [1]
Good job mentioning the surroundings and how they affected Auriel through the battle! The ground being slippery from both ice and mud would be tricky and you did a good job making it difficult for her.  

Ashamin’s first attack rolled a 6 for damage which is a pretty heavy hit - and since Auriel took it on her wing I would expect a little more damage than a gash. What about the feathers? The delicate bones in the limb? There’s really not too much flesh on wings - it would bleed from a gash but there are other factors that could have been included or talked about. This wound also wasn't mentioned in later posts - even when she was moving her wings around.

One of the things I noticed was that it was difficult to tell where Auriel was throughout the spar, or what she was doing in the moments not directly related to an attack. Some of the phrasing makes it seem like she’s standing around, like here in your third post: “I looked only at the ground, at my muddied, frosted hooves, a hazy cloud of my breath momentarily obscuring their image in my eyes.” where it sounds like she’s taking some time out to just gaze around instead of watching out for Ashamin.

Emotion [2.5]

I think you did a great job describing Auriel's emotional status throughout this thread - with her heart literally being played with you got to explore a little more range than you might normally see in a spar. I especially loved how Auriel was affected by her hallucination magic working on Ashamin! She’s young and inexperienced and I’d expect some hesitation on her part, however much she wanted to prove herself. This is one of my favourite lines: “I wasn't scared of the dark, or fire, hell, I wasn't even scared of losing my family again. But I was scared of myself. I trembled as I watched him, horrified by what I had done.”

Prose [1]

Word choice: Some things to watch out for - I noticed that you mixed up the use of ‘its’ and ‘it’s’ a few times in your posts - be sure to remember when you should be using the possessive ‘its’ and when you should be using “it’s” for the contraction of it is! For example, the first paragraph in your second post “my smoke had done it's job” should actually be its.

Be careful about your word choice when there are words that sound similar when spoken but have different meanings in print. The correct past tense of “thrust” is just “thrust” and be careful not to mix up the verb bear (and its past tense bore) with bare and bared.

Readability [1]

For the most part I found your posts fairly easy to understand! There were just a couple spots were there was a word missing or the phrasing was awkward:
Post 1: “He was similarly to myself, though I was a bit more on the draft side than he.” I think there’s a word missing, should likely be something along the lines of ‘he was built similarly to myself’ or just ‘he was similar to myself’

“My heart began to race, I could beating hear it in my ears” the second part of this sentence reads awkwardly

Finally tally: 35 + (5.5*2) = 46 HP


Messages In This Thread
RE: Pick Up Your Feet [Ashamin v. Auriel] - by Official - 08-04-2016, 02:37 PM

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