the Rift


[JUDGED] Don't mind me I'm just a son of a gun [Erebos vs Wessex]

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: EREBOS is the winner!

WESSEX
Realism [+2]

Overall you did well here, however you didn't really mention the extent of the damage she took from his horn attack in your third post which was quite jarring as you otherwise did well with taking damage from his attacks.

Your first attack was a bit confusing especially with the way Wessex turned in a circle before attacking - this seemed a bit unnecessary and bordering on over-moving when it didn't need to. Where was she trying to hit when she attacked, croup or hip? What was meant by 'trying to clear him'?

You briefly touched on breed differences in your first post, but I'd have liked to see you dig more deeply into them and really use them. You mentioned the surroundings well and I loved how you had Wessex muse on her weight being a disadvantage, and trying to fight on the wet sand as a result.

As a whole though there were no massive issues, your attacks all made sense and everything flowed nicely!

'When all four hooves are on the ground, she turns slightly and continues past his hindquarters' (This is a very minor PP, definitely nothing serious but it's assuming Erebos is allowing her to move around him like that)

'...The end result is her hooves slamming into his shoulder...” (she aimed for, and Erebos said she hit his croup not his shoulder)

'...She is lucky Erebos’s horn misses her…' (Erebos did not attack her with his horn, he only bit at her)


Emotion [+1]

I loved Wessex's musings on fighting on sand, but didn't really get much of a feel for her motivations aside from that. I'd have liked to see her react some more to Erebos' attacks, or to really dig deeper into her frustrations when her attack missed.

Some of her comments had me giggling to myself though, such as 'Wessex lands and though she may or may not (oh, she does) have a smug expression on her face', and it left me wanting to read some more of her which is good! She's really fun to read, but as I say above, I'd have loved to see you go even deeper with her.

''But as the younger soldier stood on the shore and made a personal resolution to prove she’s a damn good investment and not only that, more skilled than one her age usually was' - Loved this!

Prose [+3]

I really enjoyed reading your posts. They all flowed beautifully with a great range of vocabulary, and they were also easy to understand.

Readability [+2]

There were no really major issues, but I did notice a couple of typos that were quite jarring against your otherwise lovely writing. You seemed to fluctuate between tenses a bit, especially in your second post, but it wasn't enough to prevent me being able to understand what you meant so it's definitely more of a minor thing.

'but she is well aware that she hedging her bets' - IS hedging her bets

'With her attention elsewhere, Erebos took an opportunity to attack and it lands, bringing her focus back to the unicorn in front of her' - Same, odd tense shift with 'took' being past but the rest being present

'she taken a glance from Lady Luck' - She's taken

'...as pleasant and the fields…' As

'...she would probably laugh. Loudly. In his face.' Fragments

'...surges likes hers does…' Like


Finally tally: 41+(8*2)= 57 HP

*******************************************

EREBOS
Realism [+2.5]

In your first post I liked how he took some damage from the surroundings, as this enabled you to take a bit less damage from Wessex's actual attack. This was smart as given her mega high damage and a high dice roll of 5, taking a full hit from her could have crippled Erebos. He did take quite a bad wound, however, but this didn't seem to affect him as it should have done. He moved around right away afterwards and in his very next post he managed to get out of the way of her attack, even though you then redeemed it by having him be unable to buck during his second post due to the wound.

I loved his reaction to her last attack, I definitely got more of a sense of his pain this time compared to the defense in your first post. When he dodged her buck, I didn't really get a sense of HOW he dodged it, it just seemed sort of ignored - Orsino was dislodged so the buck was mentioned, but there's no real detail about why Erebos didn't take any damage from it.

It was great that you mentioned fighting on sand and that Erebos had actually chosen to do this in order to disadvantage Wessex, however the surroundings didn't get mentioned much after your first post. I would have liked to see him really use them and have them affect him, especially towards the end of the fight when tiredness would begin to set in.

Emotion [+1.5]

In your first post, I really enjoyed Orsino's grumbles but didn't feel much else. I got a basic feel for Erebos' motivations throughout the fight and especially loved his interactions with Orsino. I enjoyed his references to and comparisons with his father, and would have liked to see even more of this throughout.

'The deep, pulsing bruise ached, wretched and harsh, and he knew he’d been slowed down, an advantage already taken away by her, by the sand, and by his ineptitude. Just like that, he’d been stripped down again, so stupid, so useless, never enough - ' - Loved this!

Prose [+2.5]

Your writing is beautiful, but can be quite hard to understand during fights. You use quite a lot of commas which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but can interrupt the flow of the post as a whole. Overall it was a well-written fight with some excellent vocabulary and poetry in it, which I thoroughly enjoyed reading!

'While the fox flexed his claws and dragged through flesh, Erebos bit down and clenched, and together they were a beast and a cretin, inseparable parts of the greater whole (seditious and malicious, vindictive and conspiring)' Loved this!

'In this hour, she was only an opponent, a comrade in arms, and he had to teach her the finer points of warfare, of strategy, of tactics and schemes – even if all he received in return was pain.' And this!


Readability [+2.5]

Your posts were mostly easy to understand but as above, the overuse of commas can sometimes cause your writing to seem jarring and hard to follow. There was some overly flowery language in places which made it difficult for me to actually work out what Erebos was doing, but it was only minor and overall it was a really well written fight from you! Your grammar and spelling was spot on throughout, and I didn't spot any typos at all which is awesome.

Finally tally: 48.5+(9*2)= 66.5 HP


Messages In This Thread
RE: Don't mind me I'm just a son of a gun [Erebos vs Wessex] - by Official - 04-29-2017, 11:12 AM

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