| Hidden Account atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 7 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 16h :: 6 HP: 64 | Buff: NOVICE |
| Adoptable |
11-17-2013, 06:48 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-18-2014, 12:52 PM by Official.)
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I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky.</style>
Solace was grazing lazily in the early morning light of the sun. He had contemplated searching the Threshold for newcomers, but found himself not quite in the mood for recruiting. Speaking with newcomers was a pleasurable activity at times, but he admitted that he needed a break. Sometimes it was good to let himself save time for himself, and those that were already in his herd around him, his family. Solace had been neglecting his warrior duties as of late, he’d been hardly present in the Foothills since arriving. He lifted his head and looked about. Would any of his brothers or sisters be out at this moment?
Solace hummed to himself as he ate his fill of grass. Perhaps the stallion Locket he had met just the previous day would be out. Both of them had been making an effort just the other day to patrol borders, ensure no unwanted trespassers walked their land. It was time for Solace to make an effort in his rank, step up and improve what little ability that he had.
Solace found a ledge, clear enough that it would be suitable for a friendly spar. He flicked is tail and glanced about. His mind and body were ready for a fight, he was fresh having woken up and eaten not more than two hours ago. For a long while he patiently waited, to see if any of his brothers and sisters would pass by for him to invite to a friendly spar. A sigh escaped from s lips, maybe he could just invite them.
“I feel like an idiot, but… Any fellow warriors desire a spar?” He called out, not too loudly so that only those within close vicinity could hear him. Hopefully a familiar face would emerge, like that of Locket or Blitzen, though Solace doubted his multi-horned friend would be interested in a fight, him being such a peaceful creature.
Solace simply hummed to himself, feeling a bit awkward merely standing there anticipating someone interested in practice.
[@[Locket]
0/3
No magic
No companion
Setting: A flat ledge in the Foothills, there is nothing but grass and a few rocks here and there.]
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|  |
Image Credits
| Up For Adoption atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3 |
| Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2hh :: 7 HP: 60.5 | Buff: NOVICE |
|
Teppei :: Giant Panda :: Stormcall
Adoptable |
Stretching his long lithe legs, the sooty red stallion walked through the Foothills, just rising from slumber. He was to begin his normal routine of patrolling after an early meal, then breaking for a noon bite before continuing on another few patrols. He was usually alone, everyone else trapped in their own little worlds. Occasionally he would pull himself from his routine to visit the Threshold and try to recruit, but he preferred sticking to home. Today he woke later than usual, the sun already sitting s throne of clouds. Snorting, the stallion shook early morning dew from his body, the drops spraying around him as he shook.
Placing himself in his usual spot to graze, the stallion begins eating. The lush green Tallsun grass replenishes his energy, and fills him up. He raised his crown in time to see the stallion Solace, standing upon a ledge, morning light reflecting off his coat. Locket smiles as Solace calls out, asking for a spar. Shrugging, the chestnut stallion decides why not, he needed the work.
Striding to the green and grey warrior, the Executioner lets a smile cross his features. "I accept your offer, however I am a little rusty." The stallion admits, grinning as he takes a few steps back, his bushy tail brushing over his hocks. He rushes forward, taking the first move for himself. His lithe body lets him slip through the air with little resistance, but the mass of hair caught the air with its thick tendrils. Locket swerves to the right, tilting his head to swipe at the stallion's neck with his horn, assuming the stallion hadn't dodged away from him. Locket jerked his head forward, slowing his pace to conserve precious energy. Kicking to the side, the rust colored stallion tries to hit Solace's right side, somewhere along the ribs was his target. He continued forward, assuming he was past the steel grey stud by now.
Already small beads of sweat were forming at his neck as Locket avoids slipping off the side of the ledge. He snorts, ears flicked back as he gazes at the stallion, jade eyes flickering toward Solace's pale blue pools. His stance widens as he prepared for his opponents attack, his sooty legs finding trouble as he slid from the morning dew. Locket's nostrils flare as his pale brows narrow.
"talk talk talk"
[@[Solace]
390 words (will get better I swear D:)
1/3 Attacks]
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
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dctim1.flickr
Locket talk :: L = R
| Hidden Account atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 7 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 16h :: 6 HP: 64 | Buff: NOVICE |
| Adoptable |
| |
I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky.</style>
Solace watched the familiar face of the orange stallion approach. At least he hadn’t been foolishly calling out to no one. Locket admitted to being rusty, Solace merely shrugged in response, he was far from being considered an even remotely a fine warrior. That was why the warriors must spar, and it was finally dawning on Solace that he had to fine tune his skills and become the knight the herd needed. Weakness couldn’t be afforded in this time of vulnerability. After his previous failure, he was feeling determined to win.
Solace braced his body as the other stallion came toward him. First Locket came at his neck with his horn, Solace tried to avert the blow, but the smaller stallion’s speed exceeded his own. A cut formed along his neck, and he felt a small bit of blood trinkle down from the wound. The feeling was unpleasant, and images of his first spar popped into his mind and the determination he had felt earlier only grew stronger. He wanted only to be a worthy warrior of his beautiful home, he was tired of being useless. A bit of pent up and trapped insecurities had decided to creep out, and he tried his best to shove them back. He didn’t need his mind to be clogged with
Solace watched Locket run past, and this time he was more prepared for the blow about to come, he leapt forward, but instead of hitting his ribs, it hit his flank. Solace felt pain shoot through the spot and he gave out a grunt. Locket ran passed him, and in silence the grey draft watched as his opponent prevented himself from slipping off, he took this as his chance to move. Solace didn’t move quite as quickly as the smaller stallion, and his green forelock frequently got caught in front of his eyes.
Solace came from the left, and he tried slamming his shoulder against Locket’s own shoulder. Hopefully his superior size would permit him to overpower the smaller stallion with strength. After his first attack, Solace turned his body as fast as he could manage and then pushed himself forward, in hopes of sinking his teeth into his opponent’s neck. His thick green mane flew about as he moved forward, strands of his forelock fell in front of his gaze which for a moment made it difficult for him to get a perfect look at his opponent. A bit of irritation swelled up inside of him
[@[Locket]
1/3
WC: 414]
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Image Credits
| Up For Adoption atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3 |
| Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2hh :: 7 HP: 60.5 | Buff: NOVICE |
|
Teppei :: Giant Panda :: Stormcall
Adoptable |
The two began the fight spontaneously, Solace obviously not caring for Locket's stealing of the first move. Speed was in his favor today, much to Locket's delight as he flies past the stallion, head cocked and horn at the ready. Pleasure filled his heart when his first attack hit the green haired stallion, a shallow cut left upon his neck. Although the Warrior disliked attacking his team, this was simply a spar, nothing serious would come of their (fairly) harmless fight, at least, so Locket hoped.
Cloven hoof met grey flank, and Locket nearly tramples his tail as his leg retreats back to base, which causes him to take a fault in his step. His face swings far too low for the stallion's liking, and he merely throws his head back, startled by his meeting with fear. He knew that Solace had leaped forward, likely planning his attack while watching Locket fix himself up. Spinning, the rusty chestnut grunts, pale brows knit together as he faces his opponent. Solace was barreling straight for him, aiming to knock him of his split daggers. Compared to him, Locket was a simple doll, easily thrown around. But the warrior wouldn't give in just yet. As shoulder hit shoulder, the sooty stallion's maw is open and poised to strike at Solace's right side, prepared to hold on and take the stallion down with him.
Locket has another face to face meeting with the ground, this time hoping he fell in time for Solace to come crashing down over him, Locket desperately hopes momentum and size is in his favor. Springing up using what muscle he has, Locket prepares himself to attack Solace, wanting maximum damage to be dealt. But with the thick, curly mane in his eyes, he can't see Solace leap at him, biting at his neck. A yelp is held back as pain sears through his body, blood beginning to seep from the wound already. Locket finds himself in perfect position to bit at his attacker's chest, taking his chance and reaching for the stallion's pale breast.
Pulling away with a strong force, Locket whips his body around, hooves grinding against stone as he turns to get a good kick in. He aims his hind hooves for Solace's lower jaw or cheek, lowering his legs and racing away to avoid being lunged at. Locket's body is now lathered in a thin layer of salty formula, the outcome of working his muscles like this. A need was strong to prove his worth to the Foothills, to show the true Grey within was still there, ready to fight.
Locket felt like he would be letting down the Grey if he was ever bested by another, even if they were massive compared to him and packed a powerful punch. Still Locket would fight, until the last drops of his blood ran from his body, staining the earth a red. Even then he would keep fighting, while his body is eaten away he will continue on a fight to prove his worth to his peers, and to the sisters of the Grey.
"talk talk talk"
[Attack: 2/3
Word Count: 516
Tags: @[Solace]]
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
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dctim1.flickr
Locket talk :: L = R
| Hidden Account atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 7 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 16h :: 6 HP: 64 | Buff: NOVICE |
| Adoptable |
| |
I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky.</style>
Satisfaction washed over Solace as he felt his shoulder ram into the other stallion’s own shoulder. A bit of pain shot through his own shoulder from the blow, but that mattered little with the results. The other stallion latched onto Solace, and he felt himself stumble a bit. Nearly falling sent a brief wave of panic through him, and for a brief moment instinct banished logic. Still his teeth managed to latch onto the other stallion’s neck.
A bit of blood slipped into Solace’s mouth, it tasted putrid and there was nothing pleasant about making his herdmate bleed. Whatever about this liquid that drove others into a frenzy was unknown to him. All it had was a vile taste and made him for a split second feel a twinge of guilt for causing his herdmate to bleed, but then again, he did slash his own neck so the draft could live with himself for biting Locket. Not like it was a fatal wound either. Before he knew it, Locket latched onto his own chest. Solace gave out a soft cry out of pain. Impulsively, took a large step backwards which just shot even more pain up through his body. This proved to be useful though, as the orange stallion turned and launched his hind legs towards Solace, they came within a close range of the stallion.
Locket charged off, speed was within his advantage, but Solace went after not far behind. With his hinds, he gave himself a good thrust forward, trying to smash himself into the stallion’s chest. Sure, Locket had speed, but Solace had size and if he felt confident that with his sturdily built body. Inexperience was evident in his fighting, and with that Solace lacked a horn that the other stallion could wield like a sword, which in a sense put him to a disadvantage. There was no use pining after something he could never gain though. Horn or not, the stallion was content with what the gods had given.
Solace then lifted himself up into a half rear and flung out one hoof in case his opponent stayed up but also had intentions of coming down his opponent should he stumble a bit. He found his emotion slowly shutting off and he felt his mind wandering into a place of instinct. It would be a fight to keep conscious his logic and not let himself become a pure beast. That would drive him off the edge an there would be no telling what his pure animalistic mind would drive him to do should he not keep a slight grip on himself.
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Image Credits
| Up For Adoption atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3 |
| Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2hh :: 7 HP: 60.5 | Buff: NOVICE |
|
Teppei :: Giant Panda :: Stormcall
Adoptable |
12-18-2013, 09:28 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-18-2013, 09:28 PM by Locket.)
The two stallions were locked in combat, everything a blur of color around them as they fought. The sooty chestnut's coat was matted with fresh blood from his bite wounds, which pained him with every step. He strains himself, moving so fast with wounds like these. He knew that he would have to approach Lakota as soon as this battle was over. He felt the teeth of his opponent on his neck, a new wave of pain sending him into a bit of a frenzy. He wriggles about, kicking forward to strike at his breast or upper portion of his legs. Locket is in reach of his chest, and he takes the chance to bite. His teeth join the fatty, pale breast of Solace, blood gently touching his lips.
How nasty, Locket snorts, his thoughts distracting him for a moment. He heard a gentle cry of pain from his opponent, giving him a bit of a confidence boost. His opponent took a step back, the sooty's teeth pulled from the meaty chest of his attacker. A concerned look crosses his face when he sees the mark he has left on the front of his friend. He would have to make this up to his friend someway or another. He tosses his hair to the side, forelock breezing past his eyes and blurring his vision for just a moment, causing him to stumble forward as he fled the range of his herd mate.
While Locket had speed, Solace had strength. His powerful, muscular hind legs gave him a boost to catch up with the darkened chestnut, who snorted in protest at his opponent's move. He slows just enough, matching his speed to his friend's. Leaping to the side, he thrashes about with his forelegs, trying to scrape the left side of his attacker. He tries to grab a handful of mane with it, but he was trying to run and rear at the same moment, making biting difficult. He trips, losing his balance and tumbling forward, making the most of it. Throwing out his legs in a knot of bone, flesh and muscle, he desperately hopes to trip the massive stallion.
Locket then lay there, sides heaving. He opened his maw, exhaling and coughing. "E.. e.. enough." His voice was gruff, his throat dry. He waited there for a while, not bothering to check if Solace was still there. He just wanted to relax in the sunlight, let the sun pass over his head and sink below the horizon. The sooty stallion was too tired to get up, to fix himself up or ask for a medic. So instead of moving, he lay there and gaze at the passing clouds. The stone was warm, soothing his bruises. He felt his blood creating little streams all over his body, but he payed them no attention.
Sighing, Locket finally decides to rise, rolling onto his stomach, his right side burning from his fall. He curses to himself, shaking his coat free of debris, his thick mane swaying in the warm light. His coat is shiny, a thick layer of sweat lathered upon his body. It pains him to take a step forward, but he does it anyway. "Good fight, brother." He smiles, despite all the pain raging through his body. His mind is making plans to find Lakota and have her heal his aching body. "Shall we go together to find a medic?" He asks his friend, although he can't see him only because of the mess of mane above his eyes. Locket's breathing is still heavy, but it has become slightly shallower over the few minutes he was laying down.
"talk talk talk"
[Attack: 3/3
Word Count: 608
Tags: @[Solace]
Notes: I can make an after spar thread if you wish c:]
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
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dctim1.flickr
Locket talk :: L = R
| Hidden Account atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 7 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 16h :: 6 HP: 64 | Buff: NOVICE |
| Adoptable |
| |
I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky.</style>
Solace caught the look of concern from his friend, and he gave him a grunt trying to tell him he would be fine. After all, how many wounds had he given to the other stallion? Then, Locket moved, but this time he stumbled. The draft felt grateful for his powerful legs as they pushed him forward and caught up with his opponent. Locket thrust out his legs and managed to scrape against Solace’s side, and he restrained a noise of pain, as he also had a slight falter in his step. Damn, he wasn’t entirely sure how long he precisely could keep this up. Sweat was beginning to fall down his neck and he could feel the pain from his various wounds beginning to plead for him to stop. At the moment though, that wasn’t an option. Solace would finish what he had started, even if it meant a couple of extra blows.
Locket went down, and began to thrust out his feet in an attempt to take the earthy draft down with him as well. Panic flooded through his mind as he felt himself stumble forward a bit, and for a moment his front right leg looked as if it would hit the ground, and it nearly did. One of the chestnut’s hooves did manage to strike Solace’s side. Worry for his friend’s well-being swelled up inside of him as Locket spoke. Enough, yes the draft agreed. His body wouldn’t be able to take much more of this. Solace’s breath came in heavy, s he didn’t even try to form a reply to his former opponent’s first words, he simply nodded. While the chestnut remained on the ground, Solace remained standing, allowing himself to catch his breath. Assessing the damage done would be a good idea, and maybe getting some help.
Once his friend rose up from the ground, his ears perked forward as he spoke. “Yes it was a good fight,” Solace said in agreement, his voice breathy as he was still trying to catch his breath. Sweat caused portions of his mane to stick to his neck, a rather unpleasant and irritating feeling. Pain was shooting through what seemed to be every part of his body. When Locket suggested seeking out Lakota, the earthy draft nodded briskly. “That sounds like an excellent idea.” He said with a smile.
As he began to walk, he winced in pain. “Let’s take it slow though, or you might leave me in the dust.” There was a good-natured laughed followed after it. “It’s been awhile since I’ve sparred, thank you for helping me practice.”
[3/3]
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Image Credits
| Administrator |
| Stallion :: Equine :: :: |
| Official |
By my verdict: SOLACE is the winner!
SOLACE
Realism [1]
- Personally, I wouldn't have taken the damage from Locket's kick in his first post - he kicks 'to the right' which is the opposite side of where you are. I would have written something about Solace's confusion about why his opponent was kicking out at nothing. The fact that you took the damage, makes me think that you didn't realize the error, either.
- Solace turned his body as fast as he could manage and then pushed himself forward, in hopes of sinking his teeth into his opponent’s neck. - why would he need to turn his whole body for this? If he's just collided with Locket's shoulder, his neck would be within reach, especially for Solace who is larger. The way you wrote it, I thought you were going to buck, but this comes across as an unrealistic and almost misleading description of him trying to bite.
- Before he knew it, Locket latched onto his own chest -- again, I don't know that I would have taken this as damage. Locket fell, and then got up. Wouldn't Solace have reacted to that? Either backed up, or attacked when Locket was vulnerable and fumbling to stand? But for you to say 'before he knew it' is unrealistic.
- With his hinds, he gave himself a good thrust forward, trying to smash himself into the stallion’s chest.With his hinds, he gave himself a good thrust forward, trying to smash himself into the stallion’s chest. -- What? Locket is running away, you're running after him. How could you hit his chest?
- Solace then lifted himself up into a half rear and flung out one hoof in case his opponent stayed up but also had intentions of coming down his opponent should he stumble a bit. I don't understand this attack. It seems like you're saying he half rears (I guess assuming Locket stopped/that you caught up with him), and that he flung out his hoof ONLY IF Locket also reared. I think that's what 'in case his opponent stayed up' means, but I'm really not sure. The second part doesn't make sense to me at all. Should who stumble? Locket or Solace?
- Your last roll from Locket was 9.5HP of damage - but you describe Solace as merely being struck by Locket's hooves, with no realistic mention of how this turned into 9.5hp of damage.
Emotion [-2]
I really like the motivation that you describe in your first post, for why Solace is out there sparring, but then it drops off to nothing. Saying that he is falling into instinct, does not mean there isn't emotion there.
Prose [3]
- You keep mentioning how Solace's forelock is getting in his eyes, but I don't really see what the purpose is. If he had thought, Man, I need a haircut, your reader might have chuckled, but as it has been written it comes across as awkward. For instance, Solace didn’t move quite as quickly as the smaller stallion, and his green forelock frequently got caught in front of his eyes. - what does his forelock have to do with the size of Locket, if it wasnt' serving as a distraction at that very moment? Inserting more of Solace's actual thoughts would have really made this more engaging.
Readability [1.5]
- Solace came from the left, and he tried slamming his shoulder against Locket’s own shoulder - This needs to be more clear. Is he coming head on? From behind Locket? Which shoulder is hitting which? 'From the left' is that his left? Locket's left?
- This needs to be expanded: This proved to be useful though, as the orange stallion turned and launched his hind legs towards Solace, they came within a close range of the stallion. Came within close range...and what? Didn't hit him.
Finally tally: 19.5 + 3.5 = 23HP
Comments: Great spar! I think there are two areas of opportunity for you here. The first, is to USE YOUR WORDCOUNT! You came in at about half, each post. You're missing tons of chances to explain Solace's thoughts, emotions, and to describe exactly what he's doing. This will really help. The second thing, is to slow down, and explain your attacks. Everything read very rushed, and I couldn't get a good idea of what was going on, where you were attacking, etc. If you work on those things, you'll have a great foundation.
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LOCKET
Realism [-4]
- As shoulder hit shoulder, the sooty stallion's maw is open and poised to strike at Solace's right side, prepared to hold on and take the stallion down with him. - Why is Locket just standing there? This strikes me as really implausible. If he is watching Solace charge towards him - larger both by build/breed and height - why wouldn't he try and do something defensive? Why wouldn't he try to dodge it? Heck, he could lower his horn so that if Solace continued, he'd be stabbing himself. But standing still?
- This sort of continues the above comment - Locket fell down? Solace is bigger, but it isn't like Archibald vs. a foal bigger. If you've watched horses play, you'll know that they don't just fall like that - they're big creatures. I could see if a pegasus hit you, you might go down because of the angle (assuming they were flying), but it doesn't make sense for Locket to have fallen. Not only that, but Solace dealt 12.5 hp of damage - the most he can give out. And no where have I read you appropriately respond to that amount of injury. There's no mention of him hurting himself during this fall, only 'springing' back up again.
- You seem to take the injury in the form of the bite, which again, isn't realistic. #1 Solace bit once he knocked into Locket - meaning by the time he fell and got back up, the bite would be long over, and #2 It's unrealistic that his bite would cause more damage than knocking Locket over.
- as he turns to get a good kick in -- careful. This reads very declarative.
- He slows just enough, matching his speed to his friend's. Leaping to the side, he thrashes about with his forelegs, trying to scrape the left side of his attacker. He tries to grab a handful of mane with it, but he was trying to run and rear at the same moment, making biting difficult. He trips, losing his balance and tumbling forward, making the most of it. Throwing out his legs in a knot of bone, flesh and muscle, he desperately hopes to trip the massive stallion. This has a number of problems. #1 Solace is trying to knock into you - does he hit? You said Locket leaps to the side...but DOES he dodge it? You don't actually say. #2 You mention Locket slows down, so now maybe they are next to each other - unless he turns his body, how does thrashing with his forelegs help at all? #3 Your next sentence is really hard to understand. You start out by saying he tries to grab a handful of mane, but don't say how - at the end, you explain he was trying to bite. okay fair enough, but you say the reason why it was hard, was because he was trying to rear? When did that happen? Has he stopped running now and is rearing? Or is it more like a running leap? #4 He trips. I'm assuming this is where you've decided to take the damage from? Again, it's massive - 7.5 points, but it doesn't come across that way. What made Locket trip? Which direction did he fall? There's also no mention of pain from this attack either.
- There's also no mention of Solace's half-rear in here.
- He felt his blood creating little streams all over his body ... blood from what? So far, you've been bit once (which should NOT be bleeding very much, if at all), and Solace has a gash on his neck. Where is all of this blood coming from, that's' creating STREAMS on his body?
Emotion [-3]
The emotion wasn't believable for me. Why would he die for the Grey? Why does he think he needs to prove something? How does it make him feel, to be beat up by someone who wasn't even ever a part of the Grey?
Prose [-3]
- The two began the fight spontaneously - lol no they didn't! Solace called out and Locket answered :P
- He felt the teeth of his opponent on his neck, a new wave of pain sending him into a bit of a frenzy. He wriggles about, kicking forward to strike at his breast or upper portion of his legs. Locket is in reach of his chest, and he takes the chance to bite. -- you cannot re-write things that have happened. You already responded to Solace's bite in your last post. This just reads awkwardly to me. This is also powerplay - saying that Locket wriggles and tries to kick out, and then bites Solace's chest - that did not happen the first time you wrote it. The first time, he stood up, and sort of plunged his fast into Solace's chest and bit - this is completely different.
- He tosses his hair to the side, forelock breezing past his eyes and blurring his vision for just a moment, causing him to stumble forward as he fled the range of his herd mate. -- again, this is NOT what happened. After Locket bites Solace, he turns around and tries to kick him. He doesn't just stand there tossing his head.
Readability [-3]
- In your first post, I'm assuming that you're coming upon Solace from the front? All you say is that you take notice of him, and stride towards him. Given that your starting position will mean a lot, I might make this part a bit more explicit. You also go on to say that you rush towards him and swerve to the right - and then try to kick Solace's right side. If you were facing him head on, and moved to his right, it's now your left side that is closest to his left side, not his right.
- Locket has another face to face meeting with the ground, this time hoping he fell in time for Solace to come crashing down over him, Locket desperately hopes momentum and size is in his favor. I didn't understand this at all. By face to face do you mean because Solace tried to bite you as well? Your post reads as if you're hoping he falls...on top of Locket?
- There were grammar/spelling issues in each post as well.
Finally tally:22 - 13 = 9HP
Comments: Good spar! I think you need to work on your understanding of equine movements, however, and how damage is dealt. Horses don't typically leave bloody gashes when they bite one another - their teeth are dull, not sharp. They also don't fall down as much as Locket seems to, nor can they simply 'spring up' afterwards. Your posts were also confusing to read - I couldn't get a clear idea of what was happening, because you changed the timelines in order to respond to things that had already happened, and Locket's movements weren't always clearly defined. I think if you work on those things - appropriate damage/movements, and describing where Locket is - you'll do really great! Using all of your word count can also really help with this!
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[JUDGED] Put Up Your Fists[Locket, Spar]
