For a time now she had been in limbo within the confines of this helovian society. She had just finished working out what she was supposed to be doing not long ago, and she figured she might as well assert herself along the way. To prove her worth within the society of the Asylum. Sure, she wasn't exactly fond of herself, but she was missing some of the power, and strength that came with her title. She was a destined heiress who now had nothing to her name, and she wanted something. Whether it was bragging rights or not. Her hooves crackled gently on the dying leaves as she traveled onward, and leaves slowly turned to snow.

The sky had taken on a darkening scene, and lightning was flashing above her. Little droplets of snow fell from the sky. Her name, her home, everything was beginning to feel more comfortable in the frigid weather. With a smug flick of her tail, she followed, on the ground, a dark figure overhead. Soon, it had landed and the mare approached. She was a familiar figure.

It was Storm, the grey mare from the threshold. From her first encounter they she had no doubt had a feisty side. So it didn't surprise her to see the mare looking for a fight around these lands. A smile crossed her face.

It was customary in her country to never start the first attack during a spar, it was always the trainers, or in this case, the opponents who first attacked. So, In a swift movement, she stationed herself in front of the mare, with silent words, she offered a graceful half bow. Extending her wings full length, signaling she was offering a challenge to the mare.

It had been a long while since she had fought, and she was looking forward to the chance of maybe brushing some skin with a rouge.

"Talking"

word count: 317

Elsa

Storm wasted no time that was for sure.

Quickly, she was lunging at the cremello mare. Elsa stood frozen for a fraction of a second. It had been so long since flesh had been charging at her. It was like in a moments notice, her whole demeanor had changed from a fluid, regal mare, to a being that was whole-heartedly feral.

The blue-eyed girl seemed as if she was headed to her left, anticipating an attack from the left, she wanted to move into the attack. It was something one of the training soldiers had taught her. If you move into them, they don’t usually expect it. Those few words had stuck with her, and she was going to try in. She moved on her haunches, pivoting her body to the left, looking to be face to face with the grey mare. Suddenly, the mare moved to the left, and pivoted on her hindquarters, aiming a kick to the right. Elsa was a taken a little aback by the move, and tried to retreat more to the right, however, the mares back left hoof clipped her left shoulder. She could feel the force of the black hooves making contact with the flesh. A dull pain blossomed on her shoulder. It was painful yes, but something she was accustomed to. The pain was even welcome. It made her feel so alive, like she was real again. She could almost feel her kingdom again with this setting. The pain, coupled with the cold and the fight, made her feel right at home.

An ominous growl gurgled in her throat as the other mare regained he footing from the kick. Elsa tried to anticipate her move this time. She knew the grey mare wasn’t stupid enough to do two feints in the same direction. Elsa tried to put her mind in sync with Storm’s, just like she had put her mind into the training soldiers.

Analytically, there was one of three ways she could go. She could go more to the right, head to the left, or up in the air. Storm chose to the right. Now, onto what she would do, she could flip around again, but Elsa deduced that would take too much time, and exertion to pull off another in rapid succession, even for a muscular mare like storm. So Elsa figured she was going in for a bit or a shove. Storm went for the shove. Elsa could feel the shoulder as it gnashed against the skin near her girth. She let out a yelp of pain, back at storm to keep her on her feet. Whether or not that knocked anything out of Storm, she had yet to see, because suddenly the mare was in the air.

You little…

If there was one thing Elsa hated more than summer, it was aerial fighting. Even if she was a Pegasus, wings and flight were awkward. She was thanking the flight soldiers now though for their speed and diving training, otherwise she would surly be on the losing end of the battle up there.

Elsa moved forward, the opposite direction of where the mare had to have taken off into the sky due to her direction. She slid to a stop, sending powdery snow flying. She turned, and headed for a running start. Her snow legs pounded, the crystalline blue of her hooves sparkling next to the darkening sky as her powdery wings lifted her in flight. Now she was coming up in front of Storm’s face, aiming her upwards flight to skim right over Storms face. As she did this, she flailed her blue hooves, aiming to do facial damage. Maybe hit an eye or a sensitive nose in the process. As she swooped upward from this attack she circled back around, hopefully above Storm in the sky. As she turned around, she flew from behind Storm, she aimed downwards, as she swooped lower, and she aimed to almost land on the mare and push off of her back. She hoped this would force the mare out of the sky, and bruise a wing bone so they would be on the ground, where Elsa knew best. As she hopefully pushed off from the mare, she flew higher into the sky, circling quickly on her owl wings to face the mare from above.

This was what it felt like to be alive again. This is what freedom was. A taunting whinny blew from her lungs as the snow around her fell so gently. Invigorating her, even when her girth ached, and her shoulder was starting to pulse with the blossoming bruise.


"Talking"

[word count: 771 || Attack 1/3]

Elsa

The initial takeoff was outstanding. The wind glided over her wings, the snow seeming to rush around her. Wrapping itself around her in a loving embrace. It was an embrace she missed so much.

Not only was she being loved, but she also felt her clear, crystal-like hoof scrape across the forehead of the stormy lass. A gleeful, rather abrupt whinny escaped her throat as she felt the rush. That rush, that feeling… Elsa didn’t know how much she missed the fighting until that point. It was actually kind of scary thought. She was so used to the concealing, the hiding, that even something like the thought of inflicting pain made her feel so alive.

She couldn’t delve into inner moral debates right now. No, she had to focus on the target, on winning. She had lost very few past fights in her lifetime, and she wasn’t about to let some rogue mare injure her streak.

As she curved around in the air, she went in for the dive at storm, the cold air welcoming her speed once again. The mare most certainly had time to move, but once again, it seemed that Storm was too slow to dodge her incoming barrage of attacks. As she alighted the mare, two of her hooves made contact with the grey mares back.

Come on, land you son of a-

No, again the mare decided to keep it in the air. Fine, Elsa decided it was time to let feathers fly anyways. She watched carefully as the mare dropped out of the air a little, but regained herself and swooped up to face her, and she had the audacity to reply. No, mockery was Elsa’s thing! She shot the grey mare a poisonous glance. Elsa would win this even if she had to rip her wings off. Sure, that was a little harsh, but Elsa had completed her transformation into a fighter, and there was no turning back.

The mare was coming straight at Elsa… again. Frankly, by the end of this fight, Elsa thought she could write a book on “Storm Tactics”, because she seemed to just want to come right at her from the front. Elsa knew she was pretty, but honestly, no need to gawk at her before you attempt to mutilate her.

She could feel the pain in her shoulder starting to reach deeper into her muscle. Honestly, that girl knew how to kick. No pain no game though, and they were still in the air, so it’s not like she needed her shoulder right now.

The mare feinted, again, to the right. So, Elsa went to the left. Of course, Storm was at least a little smarter than Elsa intended. The mare rose above her. Quickly, Elsa dove down. Her big butt did not lower as quickly as her front had. Storms back hooves had clipped her rump. Two dull thuds were audibly heard. Elsa stumbled in the air as her rear erupted with pain for a few moments, before dying down to a concentrated pain at the point of contact. Elsa let out a rough shriek of anger; the girl was copycatting her moves!

However, Elsa did not head for the ground, no, this girl was out for blood now, and she was keeping it up in the air. Swooping down, and gaining some momentum, she angled upwards, veering in a slight semi-circle, but alas, the mare had taken herself to the ground. Elsa grumbled from above. Oh well, time for a dive bomb.

Facing her front from above, Elsa dove. Her wings folded slightly by her side to allow the wind to pass easily over her body. She dove towards Storms hind-end, and as she came in for a landing, slightly extended her hooves to hopefully clip them along her back and rump.

Elsa didn’t have time to register if she had hit the mare, and focused on her landing. She landed with a front slide, angling her rump down to drag her hooves into the snow. She sent the crystalized water in all directions, before she quickly turned, and running along Storm’s left side, bit at her wings, hoping to pull feathers and injure her left wing enough to keep her grounded. Hopefully with a mouthful of feathers, she simultaneously ran gave a passing ram, hoping to stumble her a little bit, and maybe, bruising the wing with it.

She moved passed the mare in the snow, and circled to face her from the front. She gave Storm a taunting look, beckoning her to try her feinting again.

[word count: 763 | Attack 2/3]
[edited; wrong word count! if this takes points off, it's fine :3]
"Talking"

Elsa

This girl was so infuriating!

The way she was able to crawl under Elsa’s skin bothered her. She was royalty for crying out loud! The raincloud shouldn’t be mocking her. No, this storm should be bowing for a whim. I mean, they were even amidst snow! SNOW. Snow was her thing, and it always made her win. If she lost, she couldn’t bare the shame.

So, being the bigger horse, she ignored all the girls attempts to burrow into her skin. Unlike other parasites, the parasite Stormicus Stupidious was easily avoided with ignorance.

As she drove forward at the mare, she sidestepped. Well, she wasn’t as stupid as she had thought. Luckily though, her lineage had given her a bit of an advantage. She slide and immediately was rounding the mare, and came up along her side. As she rammed and bit, the girl tried to bite at her neck. She pulled down her head slightly in reaction to pearly whites (well, more like yellow nastiness), moving towards her neck. Her teeth caught the connection where the mane flowed from her neck. She pulled a few hairs, but was not able to catch purchase because of the thick mane that spouted from that area. Of course a little pain was felt, but she was used to having her mane thinned, she was royalty after all, appearances were everything.

Her bite however, found much better purchase. Dirty, dark feathers were in her mouth as she spit them to they ground. They tasted nothing like chicken. Not that she had ever had chicken, but by the rumor, it should taste much better than that pile of stinky feathers. However, the stupid, not-chicken named storm, rammed back against her, causing a dull pressure on her girth that was nothing more than uncomfortable. Luckily, she had not hit the sensitive bruise from where storm had kicked her left shoulder before. Way to steal Elsa’s attacks… again. God, she was such a fucking copycat.

No, now was time for the warrior to truly show its side.

The mare angled herself, in a diagonal direction, was she an idiot? Elsa was long gone as the hooves came flying at where her body would’ve been. She wasn’t going to stand right next to her that would’ve been stupid. Space is everything. She was already facing the front of the mare by the time Elsa had finished her previous barrage of attack.

However, the mare was sprinting for her, face first and angled toward Elsa’s left side, or Storm’s right. She reared up, and Elsa moved slightly to her left. Her hooves went flailing as she tried to force herself down on Elsa’s body. Storms right hoof clipped the sensitive and bruised left shoulder injury; Elsa couldn’t help but cry out as Storms hard hoof connected for a moment with her flesh. Dammit, screams that like were screams of weakness. Elsa was not weak. A warrior-like cry ripped itself from her throat. She will not be defeated. Defeat is not an option.

As the mare came down around the side, she tried to bite at her back. In a defensive maneuver, Elsa reared up. Her teeth could not purchase flesh, however, they scraped across the right side of her belly, leaving a feeling like if someone with dull nails was to scrape across your arm. Light red, agitated lines formed across her pale figure, but it was nothing painful. She hoped that the rear jarred her mouth a little.

Landing with a squelch on the snow, She flapped her wings manically, hoping to bop the mare around her body and temporarily disorient her. Yes, Elsa was a crazy flapping loon and she was proud.

From the way she mare ran beside her, she was assuming she came from the front, and that they were but to face with each other on the right side. While flapping, she lowered her head to bite between the cannon bone of her back right leg, hopefully biting at some sensitive flesh.

Now it was her time to be a copycat. She angled herself so that Storms right shoulder was hopefully lined up with her back hooves and kicked. As her feet hit the snow she took off in a cocky trot away, turning to face the mare to see what damage she had done.

She was not losing this one.

[word count: 728 | Attack 3/3]
[occ; yay great fight! I think you need a defense! And sorry about the vagueness of which side was being attacked, I think I missed what sides storm was diving in on. >.< so if you have any questions feel free to PM me.]
"Talking"

Elsa

S t o r m | E l s a
- - - - -
By my verdict ELSA is the winner.

STORM -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
- 2| Power Play: “The cremello mare stood rigidly still in front of her, as Storm broke into a fast spring.” - You cannot say what Elsa did. I know Elsa finished her post saying she was standing, but you can’t dictate that Elsa stays standing, especially once your character responds and starts moving around. Always remember your character is the only one you can control and state things for with conviction.
+ 1| Attack: charge & left feint
- 2| Power Play: “...if the gray mare continued in a straight path towards Elsa's face, the cremello would easily side step” - Again you cannot predict what Else will do. Simply changing the word “would” to “could” would keep this from being powerplay, because then you’re saying that’s a possibility of Elsa’s actions, not that it is Elsa’s action/decision.
- 1| Attack: right swerve & shoulder shove - you seem to get the directions and placement mixed up, because the two horses were facing head on when you started. In your middle paragraph you saying Storm feints left and then goes right, so this would put Storm as running past Elsa’s left side. You specify you ran past Elsa’s flank though, the backend of Elsa, but then in your next paragraph say you try to shove into Elsa’s shoulder (again saying you’re on her right side which doesn’t make sense). Additionally you described the snow in your opening post as being fetlock deep, so that would be something with poor tractiona nd slipping for such agility based maneuvers.

[Prose]
0| Easy Read: some typos (lose not loose)
- 1| Emotion: you say a few things like it being a friendly fight, recognizing Elsa and not being as fancy as her with the bowing, but I don’t feel anything I am just told these things. Why is Storm fighting? Is it possibly with her personality she’ll get too competitive and go beyond a friendly fight? How does she feel about the snow as they’re fighting? Bring in more details, especially with so much of your 800 word limit still available to use! Fights are a great way to push the limits with your posts and really make the reader feel like they’re watching the fight unfold.
+ 1| Flow

---

ELSA -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1|[i] Defense: moving to the left with Storm’s feint
[i]- 1| Defense: getting kicked - you say that Storm “pivoted on her hindquarters” which Storm never described doing and that she kicked with her backfeet when Storm did not kick at all. I understand there was some confusion with which side Storm was on, left or right, but her attack itself as a ram was clear.
- 1| Defense: shoved by Storm - what… I’m so very confused by this. This seems to be your response to Storm’s actual attack that happened, but you time it all very slowly. Assuming that Storm even did kick at Elsa and Elsa got kicked, Storm would have not had the time to feint again and shove into Elsa’s shoulder, and with as much preparation as you describe Elsa having for that move I would have suspected she’d dodge it more, albeit with difficulty due to the snow and pain from being kicked. In the end though none of this works with the timeline or Storm’s attack, please read your opponent’s post more carefully or ask questions if you’re confused.
+ 1| Attack: kick to Storm’s face - so much for the friendly spar!
0| Attack: circling around to land on Storm - I like the idea behind this attack, but your description fell short of making it plausible. If she had just attacked Storm then there’s a very high likelihood Storm is either preparing to retaliate with an attack, or will be on the defensive by keeping track of where Elsa is in the sky, and she will probably be moving, especially if airborne. So if you had described using cloud cover to hide your position to enable you to swoop in from behind, or doing feints or multiple passes/turns to confuse Storm to allow Elsa to swoop in from behind, that would have made it more plausible. Additionally using an opponent as a springboard in the air is a very difficult maneuver so I would have liked to have seen more description of Elsa straining to fly away from Storm, what will happen if she misses Storm (because she faces a high risk of making them both fall to the ground) etc.

[Prose]
- 2| Easy Read: I was very confused by the responses to Storm’s attacks. There was also a typo (it not in). I would also suggest using the characters’ names more. Saying “the mare” or “her/she” gets confusing in a fight, especially when both fighters are mares. Color descriptions like “the cremello” can help, but names are probably the easiest to follow and what I recommend, particularly in a battle post.
+ 1| Emotion: I really like you bringing up her training and her home so much.
+ 1| Flow

---

STORM -- post 2

[Realism]
- 1|[i] Defense: shoved by Elsa - I went back to re-read Elsa’s post and I still don’t see a section where she described shoving Storm, only yelping at her.
[i]+ 1|[i] Defense: kicked in forehead - be careful of describing yourself as floating, not many birds can hover so for a pegasus especially staying in one spot, assuming it’s possible, would be very difficult, so floating goes along with that. I would suggest always staying in motion and describing using air currents when flying, especially in a fight being in motion gives you more plausibility for dodging attacks.
[i]0|[i] Defense: hit in back - You do not need to take each attack, just as you should never dodge all the attacks. It is normally suggested to take a little bit of damage each time just because that’s usually more realistic, but in this instance, the way you described it, you could have done a complete dodge here and it would have been realistic. Instead taking the partial damage seemed less so, and was not explain as to how it still managed to occur.
[i]+ 1|[i] Attack: four leg kick

[Prose]
[i]- 2| Easy read: I was very confused in several sections of your post. You describe the kick Elsa said you did in her last post, but which you never did in your original post. If you see your opponent respond to your post in a confusing way, or say your character kicked when you know you didn’t, contact the opponent or an Admin to get it sorted out rather than playing along, usually it’s just a misunderstanding on someone’s part. I would also suggest using the characters’ names more. Saying “the mare” or “her/she” gets confusing in a fight, especially when both fighters are mares. Color descriptions like “the cremello” can help, but names are probably the easiest to follow and what I recommend, particularly in a battle post.
0| Emotion: great job having her realize she’s out of shape after getting kicked! I’d still like to feel more of her thoughts and emotions as the fight post moves along.
+ 1| Flow

---

ELSA -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: kicked by 2 hooves in rump
+ 1| Attack: landing strike
0| Attack: biting feathers - this is a good attack idea, but its execution is what makes it less plausible. You’re assuming too often that your opponent will continue to stand exactly where she said she was when she finished her post. After just having your character move around a lot AND attacked your opponent, it’s so very likely that the opponent has moved as well so you can only attempt to position yourself in a certain spot beside the opponent, you cannot say with fact that you have.
0| Attack: ram - you were supposedly just standing at her side so a ram would have practically no effect without distance to gain momentum.

[Prose]
0| Easy read: some typos
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow

---

STORM -- post 3

[Realism]
- 1| Defense: complete dodge of Elsa’s dive - now this could have been a plausible complete dodge with a bit of a different explanation. If you described Storm as running/being in motion, dodging last second would have been realistic, but standing still and merely side stepping does not. You are a prime target when you’re standing still and Elsa’s speed grants her the ability to make small changes that can drastically affect her aim, meaning she could easily swerve to still hit you, where as if you’d been running Elsa would have had to be trying to aim that whole time and had more likelihood of missing. To dodge, at a stand still, last minute, requires crazy perfect timing, like a bull fighter.
+ 1| Attack: biting at Elsa
+ 1| Defense: wing bit and feathers ripped out
- 1| Injury: no description of pain or explanation of injury sustained from wing being bitten.
+ 1| Defense: being hit by the ram
- 1| Injury: no description of pain or explanation of injury from being rammed
- 1| Attack: ramming back - you do this attack after/as Elsa is ramming you, so this means you didn’t have the space/momentum to really fulfill this attack and that since you took her ram attack you should have had limitations due to injury/pain at the time. It was not a realistic response based on timing or situation to ram attack back right then. If you saw her charging from a distance and chose to charge forward at her too, that would have been different.
- 1| Attack: kick - this situation does not work because you say Elsa’s backside is facing you when Elsa ended saying she ran past Storm after the ramming and turned to face her, in which you describe this attack as directly following the ramming and do not describe Storm running/turning to be at Elsa’s rump/side in order to kick as you say.
- 1| Attack: rear - “If Elsa's hind legs were still facing her, then she could his her neck, chest or legs.” I wasn’t sure if this was a separate attack or you describing how the rear would be more difficult if you were facing Elsa from behind. I chose to assume it was part of the read based on the rest that you go on to write, but if you were behind Elsa, then no you could not hit her neck, chest or legs because all those are far away from you on Elsa’s front end. For the rest of this attack though you do not describe which side you are nor describe much of the attack other than saying you rear up.
- 2| Powerplay: “Storm reared up, looming over the woman.” & “Above her, Storm...” you cannot say you are looming over/above her, only Elsa can decide that. You can describe that based on your height you would loom over her, but not that you do.
- 1| Attack: bite - you say you backed away but then are running beside her to bite her, which is it? It would have been more plausible if you better explained how you approached Elsa in order to deliver a bite.


[Prose]
- 1| Easy read: several typos and overall some confusing attacks and positioning.
- 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow

---

ELSA -- post 3

[Realism]
0| Defense: jostled
+ 1| Defense: dodges buck
+ 1| Defense: hit by rear
+ 1| Defense: dull bite - you would not really see red lines like on our skin though due to all their hair.
+ 1| Attack: rears up - a good counter attack option.
+ 1| Attack: flails wings - nice!
0| Attack: biting hind leg - on the one hand I like seeing more leg biting because horses naturally leg bite in their fights, though more often stallions nip each others front knees, a hind leg is a dangerous place to try and bite since that’s a horse’s kicking powerhouse, and they can just as easily damage you by jerking their leg forward, so ultimately I feel this is not a realistic attack. Also I read it as they were more shoulder to shoulder, not head to rump with their positioning, particularly with your wing flailing which wouldn’t have worked if Storm’s body was right besides yours where your wings are.
- 1| Attack: kick - Storm’s been on Elsa’s left side this whole time and you describe as kicking to the right.

[Prose]
0| Easy read: some typos
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow

---

STORM -- post 4 (defense only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: mouth jostled from rear
0| Defense: annoyed by wing flail - wings actually can do a good deal of damage, however Elsa did describe them as more of a distraction than an attack, but because of the situation I would have given you a point had you taken light damage from them rather than merely being annoyed by them.
+ 1| Defense: jerks leg back
- 2| Attack: stomps hoof down - this is your closing defense post, no attacks permitted!
- 1| Defense: complete dodge of buck - When Elsa dodged Storm’s kick it made sense since Elsa had described in her post prior as already moving away at the point you described making the kick. However in your post you say you’re standing very still next to Elsa the whole time, so being close Elsa doesn’t need much time to twist and kick, which does not give you the time to dodge the attack entirely, least of all when standing still, more plausible if you’d been trying to move away already, but even so partial damage would have been a better choice in this scenario.

---

STORM

[Bonus]
+ 1| Health

[Injuries]
None

[Creativity]
None

Comments: You have some good attack ideas, but you really need to watch your wording to avoid powerplay. You’re just barely doing it, but still enough that it counts. Also make it more clear which side you’re attack on (left or right) and remember what you choose because at times you’d switch the sides even though your character was never described as moving, or even was in the middle of an attack. I would suggest to keep your character in motion more so that your dodges will be more plausible. You ended nearly every post with your character running off and turning around to look at your opponent, which is not how horses fight, they stay close, and interrupts the flow of battle and also limits your attack options because then you have to face them from the front again which usually leaves you with charging/feinting which you did do often. You started to show more emotion as the fight progressed, but really explore your character’s thoughts and feelings all throughout the fight to help your reader feel connected to your character. Don’t forget to mention surroundings and breeds! Fighting in snow offers a lot to write about as far as slipping, soft landings, stuck landings, spray you can distract your opponent with… and also Storm is a big horse, something you could have used more to your advantage to explain her height and power and how that enables her to attack or dodge differently from a shorter horse breed. Keep it up!

---

ELSA

[Bonus]
+ 1| Health


[Injuries]
None

[Creativity]
None

Comments: You had some good attacks and dodges throughout the fight, but you also need to stay more clear about whether you’re attack/dodge is one the left or right of you or your opponent because there were some very confusing parts of this fight to try and figure out where everyone was in relation to the other. I would also recommend thoroughly reading your opponent's post and asking questions if needed. You did a fantastic job bringing up your injuries in each post however :) I just would have liked you to expand on that more describing at times if that injury kept you from being able to react as normal. For instance her hurt shoulder, did it slow down her turn trying to dodge and is what caused her to get kicked again? etc. You did great with emotion, just keep at it! I felt connected to Elsa, but not enough because you’d mostly toss in emotion at the beginning and end, and you only scratched the surface. I really want to feel whatever Elsa is and pepper it all throughout your post. I saw you trying to include surroundings and breed description, but they needed more elaboration to be scored as points. Don’t just describe landing in snow, describe what landing in snow does. Does she slide further than she wanted because it’s slick? Does it cause her legs to get cold and wet which makes her irritable or happy or numb, maybe helps with pain? Overall great job, just keep practicing!

---

TOTAL
STORM - 39
ELSA - 61