I slowly brought myself back deep into the caverns. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay stuck in these caves anymore but I didn't want to do much else. It was all horrible. It was all nearly impossible to really function with the thoughts and memories that were running through my head. So I crawled up closer towards the glowing room and tried to find a place to rest.

As I stumbled into the cavern I could feel my pulse in my back, the uneven falling of it showing clearly now that I had no true way to realign it. It would take the sun and a place to pop it to get it back in place, and that would even be painful as it was. No. I would worry about it later, I'd deal with the constant, dull pain that radiated through my limbs for now. It was better this way. Much, much better.

So I crawled into the glowing room, once again staring in awe at the way all of the foliage radiated light, before catching a familiar stag standing near the water. Instantly, I picked up a trot and gracefully picked my way closer to him. A gentle bump of my maw against his shoulder as I pass by his right side, and then I drop my maw into the water. A long gulp of the refreshing liquid and I'm attempting, once more, to act like the world is okay. But it's not. And I doubt it ever will be. The darkness seems to be one of my only outs. The darkness seems to be my friend. But it's the darkness that hurts me the most.

Do I even know myself anymore?

I gently bumped my maw against his shoulder as I passed, my eyes catching him as he turned and brushed his muzzle against my side. A gentle whisper of my name and then he seemed to watch me as I took a drink of water.

Mind you, the confinement of the caves was beginning to eat away at my soul. The struggle of flashing images was tearing at my mind, and the movements I took were also hesitant. So afraid that one wrong movement would shatter my back that I was now constantly afraid of what was going on. It had been ages since my back had acted up, but it had also been ages since I'd felt something so tangible as the pain that splintered across my back in moments like this.

As I pulled my head back up from the water I stepped over to the side and peered up at him with a gentle smile upon my lips. It is then that he said to close my eyes, that he had something for me. Pain. It was about time that it came - no relationship ever offered anything except pain.

I watched him, a bit of confusion flooding my orbs before I finally gave in and allowed my orbs to slide shut. My muscles tensed as I felt his frame inch in closer to mine, my breath getting stuck in my chest, my lungs, my throat. His muzzle pressing up against my neck for a second and I can't help but to flinch, waiting on the lips to raise and the bare teeth to press against my flesh, to press and then dig in as if he were attempting to claim me. It had been done plenty of times before, it was a routine I was accustomed to. But, when no bite came the tension in my muscles only increased as I felt loose strands of my mane being pulled back and clasped in something. A thicker loop of hair pulled away from my flesh and I can feel him stepping back, telling me to open my eyes.

I hadn't realized how long I had been holding my breath until I had basically gasped for air, the oxygen filling my lungs. I step toward the water again, trying to keep my gaze from meeting his - I didn't want him to see the fear, the panic, that had welled up in them for nothing. All relationships ended in some kind of pain, I was expecting it - I was prepared for it. But he had been nothing but kind. He had not done one thing to hurt me. No he had promised he would protect me. Just that image of fear in my eyes had to be a betrayal - but I couldn't get rid of it, not yet. So I tried my hardest to keep my gaze from him and instead peered into the water at my reflection. My eyes locking on the trinket that was now clipped into my mane. It was glass. It was a hawk. It was a decoration that made me easier to break.

I'm shaking my head. No. No. I don't deserve it. I don't. I don't. My ears are pinning a little bit, but it's no longer the fact that it is a trinket - making me look like I'm fancier, like I'm loved, like I'm cared for - that is bothering me. No. It's the fact that it's a hawk. More memories flood my cranium and I'm shaking my head again. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say - if I could even say it. I just. I don't know. And when I finally allow my eyes to meet his gaze all that's left is an uncertainty and a broken-ness that can't be fixed.

I don't deserve to be pretty. I don't deserve to be noticed. Maybe I don't even deserve to be... happy... After all, he had been starting to make me happy - hadn't he? But I'd probably screwed that all up. Probably screwed it all up with one look of fear in my eyes...

Quick. Gentle. No pain. It was the complete opposite of what I had expected. It had to have been my gasp for air that had caused things to click together in his skull. I felt sick. It was my fault that he was tensing up. Some kind of reaction was stirring up inside of him and it wasn't necessarily a good one.

I shuddered, stepping back and shaking my head. I could feel his ears fall back against his head and as I open my eyes to peer up to him I can see them straight back. And then, he is sighing. He said he thought I would like it. And I probably would have liked it had I not been so tortured for so long. Trust, that thing that was so easily broken and could ruin things so quickly when it wasn't given and it should have been. He was shrugging, but the tense muscles that I could feel with my eyes closed and peering down at the ground. He then said I didn't have to keep it if I didn't like it, and a few tears are sliding down my cheeks.

Why do I always screw up my chances to be happy? I always screw it up! I went to move forward, but his body turning around was what had me frozen in place. Screw up. Screw up. Screw up. Can't do anything right. He probably hates me right now. He probably hates my guts. I did something to break him without trying to. I couldn't stop that gut feeling. I couldn't stop the images. I can't change who I am. But I'd been hoping that I might have a new chance here. That maybe I could start over. Start over completely.

He doesn't leave, though. No. He'd still gone to the side, looming in the shadows to protect me like he said he would. A sad glimmer of hope is pushing me forward. My limbs trying to fill the space that is now between us. If there is anything that I can do to keep this relationship alive. I'd broken it. I need to fix this. The distance seems so wide, when I don't know if I have anyone and I just need someone to be there. I need to not ruin a chance at something like this. I need this chance at a new life, at a place to start over.

I pull up by his side and drop my maw down near where he was grazing. I try to meet his, and brush up against it, blowing out a small breath of air. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm breaking a little bit. Breaking way too much. I don't know what to say. I want to fix this, but I can't talk - I can't explain. I can't offer a reason for the way I had acted. I can't try and pick myself up. I have no ability to do that anymore. A gentle brush across his neck, if he so allows, and I try to lip at the amulet that I had given him - the one that he deserved, the one he had earned. I'm sorry. Forgive me, if you can.... And my maw rests against his heart.

Could he even forgive me? Was it possible?

I'd broken him. I'd done too much too quickly. This entire mess was my fault. And I couldn't fix it. He didn't do anything as my muzzle pressed up near his own, just kept on grazing as if mine wasn't even there. There was a new tightness in my chest at the thought that he might not care. The emotions were twisting around in my head. I couldn't really place any of them, at least not with their real names. I was confused as to why I felt hurt for no reason. Confused as to why so much guilt radiated as I felt him still completely when my maw pressed against his heart. So much sadness at the thought that he might think I was only staying by him for the protection - at the thought that he was only staying by me because he had promised.

He sucks in a deep breath and raises his head just enough so that his sound isn't screwed up. His voice is quiet, broken. His ears falling back against his head as he speaks. I'd hurt him. I try to meet his gaze, but he seemed to only want to look at me out of the corner of his eyes and the gaze that is meant to be an apology just won't meet his.

And then he was blinking and looking away from me. Tears slide from my eyes again, turning my head away for a second as I attempt to blink them out of the way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you... But he couldn't hear that. I couldn't speak to him. I couldn't explain it. How was I so good at screwing things up? Just... how?!

His voice is quiet, and I just manage to even catch what he's said. It looks good on me? Was that even possible? Nothing could look good on me. Nothing could, nothing had. But the thought mattered more to me than the fact that I didn't think I actually looked good. My head tilts to the side a little, ears perking up a little bit. Did he mean it? Did he really mean it?

All the emotions are twisting around. And, as I try to sort through them only one keeps popping back up in my head. Love. And the realization of that has my heart starting to race a little bit. Am I really capable of this? Can someone as broken as I be allowed to feel such a strong emotion? Do I actually still have this ability to understand what I'm doing?

But I don't care if I have the ability anymore. I want him to know I care, even if I'm slightly confused on how to show it without it looking like I just want the protection. I try to press up against his side, lipping at his heart a little bit and then trying to play with his ear if he would allow it. I care. I care. I really do care! Please... Just don't be mad... I tremble a little bit, anxiety of being shoved away - of the feelings not being returned as they welled up inside of me - is sliding through my limbs. Could he understand it? Would he understand it? Would he accept it? Or would he think I was stupid and only be staying to keep his promise? It was slowly tearing me apart - not being able to say anything, to let him know I really did care - that it wasn't just for protection anymore, it was for the idea of happiness that I'd never thought I'd be able to get close enough to find.

I shifted my weight, pressing up against him. I allowed my maw to nibble at his ear, fine when it twitched and he tilted it away for a second. But, what caused my heart to tear was when he pulled away completely and asked what I was doing. My eyes fell for a moment, chest tightening. Trying to show I care... But, alas, he couldn't read my mind. It was slowly reaching the point that I wish he could, though. Things would probably be a lot easier that way. Then he could understand all of these reactions, he would know that I cared - that I hadn't meant to shatter anything when I was shaking my head.

He asked if I liked it, and my gaze lifted again trying to meet his before I bobbed my head. Yes. But I'm not pretty, I don't deserve to be pretty. I'm not allowed to be. I can't be - because I'm just not. I'm bland. I'm meant to be hidden. Couldn't he see that. But he was talking again after the bob of his head, saying he knew my hawk was gone but that he'd thought I'd like it. There is a gentle smile on my lips as I nod my head again. It's fine. The thought was great. But it's not like I could say that.

No. I couldn't. But, his ears falling back in uncertainty has me peering at the ground. Love. If the Gods had really decided I deserved it then a show of affection, of blatant shoving it in his face would be the decision. It would decide whether I was going to be left with a protector who I cared a bit too much for, or someone who returned my affections. But how to show it so blatantly.

Ground. Draw a heart. I moved my frame a little bit so that I created a rather large heart in the glowing moss. And then, I positioned myself so that I stood inside of it before reaching for his amulet. Once I had clasped onto the hair used to act as a necklace I tried to tug on it, to get him to come into the heart I had just made. But maybe the point is that I care. Maybe the point is that I... I could love you if I am actually allowed to be given the chance at it...

He seemed to study my gaze, as if he was expecting me to lie about liking the trinket that was in my hair. I loved it, even if I didn't feel such adornments looked right on me. It almost felt like I was trying to pretend to be something that I wasn't - acting like I was cared for enough to be wrapped with all of them. But, as he seemed to accept it as truth there was a small smile that began to happen at the corners of his mouth.

So. I started to move. Dragging my feet and creating a heart. My mind begging that he would understand this. That the most blatant show of it would stir some kind of reaction. As I reached out for him while I stood in the center he only popped his head up a little. One tug. Two tugs. Maybe even three tugs. But he was moving towards me after it. And then, he was standing inside of the heart with me. His head tilting to the side as he looked at me before he managed to form words. A heart? A nod from me. Yes. A heart. His voice trailed into the next word. Love? And it trailed back off. I nodded my head again, eyes peering up at him. A nervous edge was in my frame. Muscles trembling in minor anxiety at the idea that he now had the compete opportunity to shatter what was left of my broken soul. He seemed to stand there for a moment before he reached out, pressing his muzzle against my cheek. A small tremble, and a gentle smile. There is a prick of my ears and I can't help but to lean against his touch for a few moments before I pull back. My head tilts to the side, a questioning gaze in my eyes. Would he accept that? Would he be able to return it? Was I doomed to being completely alone?

A gentle shift of my weight and all I could do was look up at him. More vulnerable then I had ever felt before. What was he going to say? What was he going to do? I wouldn't be afraid of him. It had almost screwed this entire thing up not moments before. But would this break it even more? Would this push him farther away? Had I made everything worse?