the Rift


[JUDGED] pioneering the future [chev]

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#1
Her hooves walked her across the surface again. The uneasy feeling within her stomach kept returning, never leaving her to rest. Wings fluttered against her side in fear and angst. Although the cave was filled with numerous opportunities for exploration and friendship, it seemed she lacked these things.

In fact, more than ever, Elsa was feeling her sense of purpose dwindling away. It started with a little string until the entire fabric of purpose frayed away into strings that disappeared with the wind. Her feet shuffled along the ground, dragging them more than ever. The air was cool with winter, small, delicate flakes whipped through the air before landing on the cold ground and melting away. There was never enough snow to cover the ground it seemed like, just enough to get a taste and then it was gone.

She moved across the ground, the hard, dead grass proving unsatisfactory in the food department. An indignant, annoyed snort escaped her nose and she stamped a hoof. Dammit, she needed to do something to prove her self-worth. A harsh, broken whinny ripped from her throat into the cool night air. May it bring a formidable opponent, one who could at least make her feel what it was to live again.

The ground beneath her trembled. The barren, dry, dirt landscape providing nothing to hinder her life.

[ooc; typically spar. 3 posts w/ attack and closing defense. magic and companions allowed if applicable. Thanks for doing this!]
@[Cheveyo]
"Talking"
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#2

Cheveyo
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher





Cheveyo wasn't quite sure what had caused her to have such a strong urge to get out of the caverns for the first time since she had made that beautiful sliding entrance. But whatever it was hadn't been able to be fought down, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that it was better to stay hidden away like some damn prey animal. It didn't take long to get through the hordes of bodies that milled around in the sanctuary, the numbers were slowly beginning to dwindle in that part of the caverns as the others finally had their balls drop enough that they could explore. The disbandment of the herds had helped out a bit with that as well, there were no longer lines between who was ally and who was foe unless it was a personal beef, and no one had any kind of magic that would have gone along with being a healer or some kind of crafter. It was nice to see that she had a fairly good sense of what was going on medically with the herbs and stuff that she had learned during her time with the two legs.
Flicking her harks back against her skull and narrowing the orchid colored eyes that adorned her pale facade had been helpful in her quick exit from the rabbit holes. It seemed that no one wanted to get in her way, or maybe they figured it was her turn to guard the entrance once again. But as she grew closer and closer to the entrance it became obvious that whoever was supposed to be guarding today was slacking off on their duties as there wasn't a soul in sight. Snorting and shaking her skull once the mare pushed back the annoyance that had begun to grow over in incompetence of the others, ivory dipped limbs struck out easily as her painted frame grew closer to the slope she would soon have to climb. It didn't worry her though, if she took it slow and easy, just placing one hoof in front of the other instead of acting like a bone head and trying to run up the slippery rocks then she would have no problem what so ever.
As she had expected, the slope wasn't half as horrible as it was made out to be, her hooves only slipped out from under her once and the impact on her knees wasn't even half as horrible as she had expected it to be. Unlike the stallion whose name was Aaron, her knees didn't begin pouring the precious ruby fluid from the little scrapes from the abrasive rocks. Once her hooves touched down on the grass that didn't glow the painted lady warrior allowed them to fly in the air for a moment or two in excitement for finally being free of all the stone enclosures. Finally, she was free. It was at this very moment that the sound of someone calling into the air for someone reached the mare's chestnut harks. Someone calling for a fighter, someone that would be able to throw a few good kicks and knew how to use their already cracked and stained ivories to their advantage. A wicked grin cracked across the painted mare's features as a slightly crazed light flickered in the back of her pinked pools.
It had been too long since she had felt another's flesh breaking under the pressure of her ivories or heard the satisfactory "thud" of horseflesh meeting horseflesh. Tossing her skull into the air the lady warrior let loose a war cry as she headed in the direction of the caller. She was coming and she was going to give them just what they were looking for. Ivory limbs stretched out into an easy yet ground eating canter that would have her to the Battlegrounds in little to no time at all. Excitement coursed through her veins as the adrenaline slowly began to build up as she made her way over there, this was what she was looking for. The high she gained from battles was intoxicating and it never failed that Cheveyo would take a battle no matter what, even if the beast challenging her was five hands taller than herself and a fucking powerhouse. She would at least try.
But today her opponent wouldn't be creature a million times larger than herself, as her yellow painted hooves hit the dry, dusty ground of the arena her pinked pools settled upon the ivory frame of the only solitary form in the entire place. Clearly this broad was the one who's call she was here to answer, pink pools drifted over the white winged creature's frame as she grew closer and closer. She was a little less than a hand taller than Cheveyo, but a much more slender build than herself. They both had pros and cons against each other, but the lack of scars on the mare's pretty pelt made the paint's nose crinkle up a bit. She was here to introduce this girl into the world of fighting? So be it.
"You called?" the two words dripped from her tongue easily as her dusted limbs pulled together beneath her.


"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Elsa]
Words;; Eight Hundred and Sixty Nine
OOC;; Bleck, I haven't battled in so long. This will be fun though!

Edited to change font size, it was too small

Image Credits




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#3
Another call echoed her own; the ominous sound ringing in her skull like a distant foghorn. It rumbled and tumbled like a scramble signal across her brain, a defibrillating zap, pulling her back to reality. Her blue eyes took on a burning passion, emanating pure heat and determination. She would not be brought down today. The queen would not be pulled down, among this dark world she would thrive.

The opponent, Cheveyo, finally arrived. There was no time for formalities anymore. Elsa was bent on proving, beating and dominating. She would not lose. Her loss with Oxy was fine, her win against Storm, invigorating. Yet, now, she needed to make herself known. If there was one thing Elsa learned, was that there was a need for fear. The white, pristine presence had to haunt the nightmares of some, or she again would let herself be consumed by trying to make everyone happy. A sideways, cocky smile fell onto her lips like venomous honey. Adieu to the happy, go-lucky girl, lying in her wake was the shattered heart and soul. The one left behind by a broken past.

She didn’t even tell the painted mare her name. She didn’t even bow. Nothing. She burst into a run at Cheveyo. Cheveyo stood not far in front of her, maybe a few paces, but nothing not to terribly far. One thing was set in stone; Cheveyo was closer to her than her sanity. The muscles in her hindquarters ripple, contracting with every forceful pound of her back legs. Each hoof thundered against the ground as she moved. Blue, perfectly shaped hooves beat the grass that was already dead. She supposed it was better to make sure that they were already dead. No need to keep the lives that were barely hanging on, alive. Much like herself she supposed, one could easily get rid of her with that logic. She was barely alive, barely here herself.

With unfocused anger, she wailed. It came from her throat, the sound of a broken record. A final lunge, and she moved towards Cheveyo’s left side. She reached, and tore, and pulled. Ivory teeth tried to purchase the flesh along her body, hopefully tearing it apart so Cheveyo could feel the pain. Cheveyo could feel what it was like to be torn apart, she could feel the pain of a thousand needles poking her. Elsa just wanted to let go. She wanted so badly for the mare’s wretched red markings to stain her tears red.

Elsa could envision it now, the blood, the red droplets staining the perfectly cool, brown earth. She could see the dead body now; see the heat leaving the body, slowly having to succumb to the cold. Maybe then they would understand what it was like to be trapped in the cold. Once you enter, you could never leave.

As she tried to run past the mare, another broken cry tumbled from her vocal cords. Never before had she made her pain so obvious. The pain was so open to the world, and the most emotionally exposed she would ever be. Elsa circled around, hoping she was facing Cheveyo from behind. She wanted the girl to come. She dared her to rip her to shreds. Elsa needed to feel alive, she needed the pain; she needed to know she hadn’t already died. Cheveyo needed to save her.

[ooc; 563 words || 1/3 attacks, 0/1 defense (final post).]
@[Cheveyo]
"Talking"
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#4

Cheveyo
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher





As soon as her hooves stopped moving forward her pink pools locked in on the snowy mare's azul ones only to notice the lack of any sanity they carried. Cursing inwardly the mare waited for whatever it was that would be coming next, Cheveyo half expected the broad's mouth to start running, and throwing petty insults into the air like some young colts trying to scare each other. Then maybe there would be some hair pulling, the idea was something Cheveyo wasn't entirely against; she did have some mats in her mane that she needed to get rid of. Lost in her thoughts, something she learned not to do on the battle field years ago the painted mare hardly noticed that the white bitch had started moving until it was too late to do anything in retaliation that would have ended up giving the winged beast a taste of her own medicine.
As she darted closer, the painted warrior grew more and more alert but deciding that moving now would likely cause more damage to herself than to her opponent. The white mare angled towards her left side as a strange garbled cry escaped from her body, it was almost demonic the noise that came from such an angelic looking creature. It wasn't until the white mare was nearly on top of her that Cheveyo began her attack, bracing herself for any kind of impact the shorter paint felt the ivories of the other tear into her withers. But what the white mare hadn't measured properly was their height differences which lead to the incision on Cheveyo's chestnut shoulder to not be as dramatic as it could have been if they were closer in height.
Craning her well-muscled boa to the left the painted warrior's cracked and stained ivories parted as her skull darted forward. She was craving the feeling of Elsa's feathery wings in between her teeth, longing for the sound of breaking bones, or even just the cottony feeling that having a few flight feathers stuck between her teeth; it was driving her mad that the only blood spilt thus far was her own. Two toned pelt shivered with excitement at the thought of possibly grounding the winged beast and ending her quickly.
Harks swiveled, following the ivory broad as she continuing moving along her side and behind her where the sound of her hooves beating against the dead grass ceased. Tossing her skull the painted mare turned around on her heels to look the white mare dead on, she was turning out to be much more interesting than she originally seemed to be.

"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Elsa]
Words;; Four Hundred and Thirty Six
OOC;; <3
Moves Used;; 1/3 Attacks
Injuries;; 1.) One inch deep and two inch wide laceration on withers from the opponents teeth, some hair missing in that area. Light to moderate bleeding, won't take too long to heal.
Attacks;; 1.) Bit at Elsa's right wing in hopes of pulling a few feathers thus disabling her ability to fly.

Image Credits



pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#5
She felt her teeth scrape across the painted hide of Cheveyo. Sweet, sweet, flesh. Small, little droplets of blood could be felt along her tongue with the initial bite. The metallic taste sent Elsa into euphoria. She could finally inflict pain. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed. The rumbling sounds a mixture of angelic angels singing, and demons cackling at damned souls. A symphony of the lost cause; Elsa was no longer Elsa.

It was quickly though, that the demonic angel realized she had miscalculated her evasion. Teeth, sharp yet dull, ground into her left wing. She bit at the middle of her wing. Elsa yelped, tears gathering in the pools of her blue eyes. A cold gust bringing a stinging sensation to her eerily blue eyes. Down feathers were pulled harshly from the bony lining on her wing. More than enough were pulled out that blood trickled from the holes of which they were pulled. The red, elixir of life, stained the angels wings. Leaving behind russet lines of mortality, reminding her that she was in fact mortal.

Elsa cringed as she shifted her wings slightly. The pain could be felt all through the extension of her left wing. Yet, she refused to be grounded. If she became grounded, she would have to drive everyone else into the soil, their bodies would have to feed the future lives of those who could understand! Those who would truly get the pain of what life was like! It was terrible being stuck in this world where no one cared. Care was something she refused to give any longer; no one deserved it anymore, especially not Cheveyo.

As she ran by and rounded Cheveyo, the pain had died to a dull pulsing. She now faced Cheveyo. She paused for a moment, her beating heart ticking. One, two, three… she looked at Cheveyo with such anger. Her blue eyes tried to posses, and consume her pink ones, to try to crush the soul that resided with in them. She flipped her head, and rotated her wings slightly. Biting back that cry that bubbled in her throat as a result from the incredible pain that blossomed in her wing. Yet compared to the emotional pain, all of this was nothing. The real pain festered within, a wound growing so large it seemed it could never be shut.

Again she ran at the mare another broken cry ripped from her lungs. As she approached the mare, she attempted to slide to a stop. Elsa bunched her hindquarters underneath her, forcing her hooves to try and drag across the cool ground. The lost girl hope to force flying debris into Cheveyo’s eyes, maybe hindering her, yet, she doubted it, because of how hard the cold winter had turned the ground; just like it had frozen her heart.

Breath came in quick huffs as a sweat dewed across her wintry hide. The hot sweat mingled with the cool air, creating puffs of steam that began to rise from her back. Hopefully being in front of Cheveyo, Elsa bit at the smaller girl. Her blue eyes closed as she went in for more… flesh. She hoped to bite ears, face, and even dipped her head a little to maybe grab at her throat. In the flurry of movement, she never moved, her hooves planted firmly into the ground. If she was going to pull more flesh, she wanted a bigger chunk this time. This was feeding time, and the demon needed her flesh.

@[Cheveyo]
[2/3 attacks | 0/1 closings | 585 Words]
"Talking"
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#6

Cheveyo
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher





The ivory broad's insanity was beginning to rub off on Cheveyo like the paint had come off of Kwahu's fingers when he had added her odd painted markings. Harks twitched about involuntarily as the pink eyed mare stared nearly cross eyed down at the feathers that were sticking out from her ivories; many of them were the soft fluffy feathers that were nearly useless to the equine mare for anything at all, but there was one...one beautiful pristine white feather that stuck out further from the rest of them. This she would keep as a trophy from the battle she would surely be the victor of considering the loud cry that had escaped the white wench with the impact of her dull ivories against her wing.
Grinning madly the painted mare spat out the feathers that she had pulled from the mare like you would a chicken before you roasted it. She would come back for her prize after she taught this wench how very unwise it was of her to have offered a fight to whoever had been within earshot. Spinning on her heels the orchid eyes rested on the crazed eyes of the feather brain, watching with glee as she stretched and shook her crimson stained wings with a grimace across her pristine facade. Something seemed very off about this broad, but Cheveyo wasn't here to be any kind of therapist, especially not to someone she had absolutely no idea who the crazy girl was. Rolling her shoulders the mare took a mental note of the slice that was on her back, she could tell that there was dry blood caking the short hairs that grew around the cut as some fresh blood dripped from the incision. Flicking a single chestnut hark mindlessly she watched as the ivory mare charged at her once more, what was this bitch a one trick pony?
Cheveyo's orchid pools watched her carefully trying to figure out if the mare was going to run right through her or go off to one of her side when she saw the mare's back limbs come forwards trying to slide to a stop. Curiosity crossed the mare's features as the gears in her grey matter turned over and over each other trying to figure out just what the lighter mare was trying to do with that move, but she didn't take long to react to the closeness of the mare, not wanting to give her a chance at making up for the time she lost.
Especially not with her practically sitting there begging Cheveyo to do something.
With a smirk on her face the mare's multicolored frame twisted as she spun so she would have the proper momentum for a buck. Sending her rear daggers into the air the lady warrior sent out a prayer to whatever god it was that was watching her at this moment that she would feel her hooves connect with the broad’s pristine flesh; praying that she would be one of the first to litter the "angel's" perfect coat with the marks that would prove her to be a real fighter. As soon as her daggers hit the ground she was off, cantering easily out away from the mare in a wide circle before growing ever so slightly close to her again...hoping her next move would be something worth seeing rather than the last two pathetic attempts at fighting she had seen.




"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Elsa]
Words;; Five Hundred and Seventy One
OOC;; Chev is a meany butt.
Moves Used;; 2/3 Attacks
Injuries;; 1.) One inch deep and two inch wide laceration on withers from the opponents teeth, some hair missing in that area. Light to moderate bleeding, won't take too long to heal.
2.) Elsa's second attack was unsucessful.
Attacks;; 1.) Bit at Elsa's right wing in hopes of pulling a few feathers thus disabling her ability to fly.
2.) Bucked at Elsa aiming for her head or shoulder but would be happy with connecting anywhere.
edited to fix my moves used

Image Credits




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#7
She was really trying. She was trying so hard.

Her teeth clacked together aimlessly, her dirt flying straight past Cheveyo without even a blink. Her mouth jarred together, her teeth once again coming together with a bone-clacking crack. She had failed.

The failure boiled up within her like a geyser ready to explode. The water was churning within her, the warm heat starting at her toes before bubbling up through her legs. It burned through her snowy barrel, before finally, relentlessly escaping from her mouth. A bloodcurdling, high pitched, ghastly scream was released, like a teapot signaling the end. Spittle flew in globs from the pink muzzle, gross and tainted. Blue eyes were ablaze, like center of an inferno.

In all of this, she was too angry to notice a turning Cheveyo. No, before her eyes was her entire kingdom. They all stood lined up like an execution line. Each detailed face, judging posture, and terrifying scowl etched into her memory, permanently engraving itself upon her mind. She was waiting for that terrible moment of the chase, the day she was declared an outlaw, the day that forced her to run.

In a frantic movement, the sight of hooves sent her scrambling like a caged creature. Her hooves mechanically tried to force her backwards, away from the tan hooves. All in vain, the painted creature made contact with the demonic angels chest. The force was enough to make her breath catch. For a suspended moment her eyes widened and a dry cough crackled from her body. She sucked in one more time, and the deep breath refilled the deoxygenated lungs. Two violet bruises blossomed across her hide like violets in spring, creating a dull thumping in her chest. It was eerily in rhythm with her erratic breaths and heartbeat.

In these few moments Cheveyo was able to canter in a large circle, and was near her, presumably facing the demon. The demonic angel was out for blood. Nostrils flared with each labored breath as steam arose from the back, a pure sign of a demon straight from hell. She dragged her front right leg across the ground, and tossed her head wildly. She would kill, she would drag the painted mares hide down. Then, she would present it as a gift to the Asylum, the only real horses that understood her.

With a quick push of her hind legs, she jumped into a run, before extending her wings. Pain electrified across her left wing, sending a grunt forth as she pushed through. With a quick swoop, she attempted to raise her body into the air. Hopefully, she did this close enough to the painted girls face. As she rose, she kicked out her four legs, hoping to make contact and kick her in the face. The demon wanted to knock those pretty teeth right out of her mouth. Hopefully having debilitated the mare, she swooped over her back, hopefully landing behind her. As her hooves alighted the tough ground, she could feel her blood pumping through her wing, a terrible reminder of what Cheveyo had done. She turned, hoping she was facing the rear of the mare. She wanted to catch a glance of the terrible pain she wished to cause her. She wanted to see those blood red tears streak the painted mares face.

@[Cheveyo]
[3/3 Attacks | 0/1 Closings | 537 Words]
"Talking"
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#8

Cheveyo
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher






The ivory broad’s reaction to her missed attack was nothing more or less than what Cheveyo had been expecting from her. Another temper tantrum as if she wasn't a fully grown mare but more a small filly who hadn't been allowed to play with the big boys. Maybe if she had been allowed to play with the big boys she wouldn't be the big pansy ass that she is today, neither of the attacks she had made today had been impressive at all and the painted lady warrior was nearly dissapointed that she had wasted her time to come over here. Nearly. But the idea of having one of the mare's pretty white feathers to adorn her flaxen tresses with was worth the slight bruising she was sure to gain from the feathered creature.
The little temper tantrum had given Cheveyo enough time to fit her attack in without her moving much more than a feeble attempt to get back to her hooves, but even that wasn't enough to get away from the wrath of the warrior's painted hooves. The heavy thud of hooves against horse flesh was enough to cause another spark of excitement and adrenaline to rush through the smaller mare's blue veins; only to have it grow with the sound of the air rushing from the bird brain's lungs. The sound of her gasping for air followed the painted mare as she easily made her way around the mare in a circle before coming to a halt, the laceration on her withers didn't hinder her movements much at all; it seemed to be more of an irritation than it did anything that would lead to pain at a later date.
Before the painted mare even had a chance to think about anything more than a quick wondering of what the next move would be the ivory broad was on her hooves and barreling towards her once more. Snorting, the lady warrior rolled her eyes, this whole charging thing was starting to get a little old and you would think after the first two failed attempts the wench would realize it was time to try something a little different. But then the crazy bitch flung her wings out and even Cheveyo winced a little, imagining the pain she must be feeling from the open wound on the hinge of her right wing. A pace or two later the taller mare's wings slapped against the air and her limbs lifted off the ground, rearing up the painted warrior struck out viciously with her forelimbs in an attempt to hit the mare's legs or chest once more.
As she was lowering herself back to Mother Earth once again the broad's icy blue hoof clipped the top of her head, just above her temple and about an inch away from her backwards flattened hark on her right side. The pain was intimidate and it felt like a million bees stinging the same place at once, Cheveyo knew it wouldn't be long before the side of her face had a very attractive streak of blood and gore. A low rolling growl slid from the mare's chest as she heard the ivory broad land near her, she didn't want the creature any closer to her than was necessary, not with all of the loud annoying noises she made...especially not with this headache she had just gained.


"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Elsa]
Words;; Five Hundred and Sixty Three
OOC;; -shakes hand- good fight good fight.
Moves Used;; 3/3 Attacks
Injuries;; 1.) One inch deep and two inch wide laceration on withers from the opponents teeth, some hair missing in that area. Light to moderate bleeding, won't take too long to heal.
2.) Elsa's second attack was unsucessful.
3.) One inch deep and four inch wide laceration between her temple and ear on her right side, bleeding heavily because it is a head wound. Caused a minor headache and will scar.
Attacks;; 1.) Bit at Elsa's right wing in hopes of pulling a few feathers thus disabling her ability to fly.
2.) Bucked at Elsa aiming for her head or shoulder but would be happy with connecting anywhere.
3.) Reared up as Elsa took off, hoping she could connect her hooves with either the mare's legs or chest.

Image Credits




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Elsa the Icebound Posts: 644
World's Edge Protector atk: 6 | def: 10.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.2 Hands :: Six (Frostfall) HP: 73 | Buff: BULK
Edgar :: Plain Zephyr :: Arctic & Wakiya Klare
#9
As she went to fly above the mare, to prove her superiority, she dared to kick out at the angel. The tan hooves pummeled against her chest, again! The bruises that were already purple pulsed with an irregular, painful beat. The air tumbled about her body, trying to find equilibrium again. Now, one large, purpling bruise peppered across her chest. She gasped for another breath, as her breathing found its equilibrium. She faltered a little in the air, sending another shockwave of pain through her already painful wing. The blood was still oozing slightly from the bite wound because of the effort it was putting forth. Elsa growled, low and feral, but she too found purchase.

Her hooves glanced over the top of the mare’s head, she was too focused on flying to even know how close she had come to doing some serious damage. The only thing she could focus on was the hit, the pure, raw, wildness of being able to beat another being senseless. She growled again as her hooves made contact with the cool ground behind the mare. The she-devil wished so much for her to turn and face her. The angelic demon wanted to see the mare bow in submission, and prove that Elsa was worthier.

She needed to feel worthier! She needed to know that she was the true queen! Visions of crowds flashed and zapped about in her head. They were all there, condemning her! Calling her the monster! Her head flipped wildly as she lowered it, breathing heavily. She was trying so hard to rid herself of the terrible images. Elsa could not carry this alone. Elsa needed to be set free.

Steam plumed from her back, rising into the air like a cloud of smoke, the beacon of the demon within. They would have to drag her to hell if they wanted her back.

@[Cheveyo]
[woot awesome spar! <3 Elsa needs to learn to hit. xD if you want, we could have a follow up thread where they can actually meet?]
[ 3/3 Attacks | 1/1 Closings | 313 Words]
"Talking"
Elsa
  • Any force can be used against Elsa.
  • Please tag any posts that involves Elsa.

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#10

By my verdict: the battle is a TIE!

ELSA
Realism [+0]
:: A final lunge, and she moved towards Cheveyo’s left side.  Careful how you word things, this could very easily be taken as powerplay. Cheveyo could have moved in the time it took Elsa to lunge, so make sure you're always trying and not doing things when it comes to your opponent!
:: Down feathers were pulled harshly from the bony lining on her wing. I was really torn about this damage and how you took it. At first all you said was that feathers were pulled out but that Elsa wouldn't be grounded, which didn't seem proportional to the amount of damage Cheveyo dealt. Cheveyo rolled a 6, so this is the most damage she is capable of dealing, this should have been pretty significant damage. Then you described the pain and really bad, affecting Elsa when she stretched her wing out, making her wince, etc. which seemed more in line with the level of damage rolled but not the damage that you originally described. Then you said the pain eased to a dull sensation, which seemed more in line with the feathers being pulled out. All in all, I think that you were aware of the damage you were supposed to be taking but were OOCly trying to save your character from that damage. Whatever damage you choose to take, definitely make sure that it's consistent throughout your post.
:: Again, make sure to be consistent. After describing how painful the damage to her wing was, Elsa uses her wings to try and beat up dirt from the ground into Cheveyo's eyes. This doesn't seem like a very logical decision, especially since Elsa seems to be aware that the ground should be frozen solid.
:: Her teeth clacked together aimlessly, her dirt flying straight past Cheveyo without even a blink. What dirt? You just said in your last post that the ground was frozen.
:: Good job mentioning the pain in her wing again in the last thread! However, I think the attack itself was a little odd. I think with a damaged wing, the sheer force required to lift a horse from the ground within a couple of strides wouldn't really be possible. Think of how long it takes a goose to fly from the water- it takes a long time and a good running start. A horse is even bigger and quite a big less aerodynamic.
:: Relevant to her jumping over Cheveyo, I really liked how you had her flight affected by Cheveyo's hit and I'm glad you recognized that the combined effects of her damaged wing and the hoof hits would really knock her about in the air.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: Cheveyo was closer to her than her sanity. Cute, I like this.
:: The real pain festered within, a wound growing so large it seemed it could never be shut. You give lots of moments like this, where you start to give some really good emotion, but these moments often dissipated before they could really capture the audience. When you get to these moments, make sure to fully explore them. Especially since you often had a couple hundred words left. Use those words to your advantage.
:: The failure boiled up within her like a geyser ready to explode. This and the two paragraphs that followed were really nice and I finally felt a real connection with Elsa in this fight. Do this more often!


Prose [+2.5]
:: Switching tenses- There were one or two instances where I noticed you switched tenses from past to present. Just make sure to double check everything.
:: In the flurry of movement, she never moved, her hooves planted firmly into the ground. I know what you were getting at with this, but since Elsa is the one doing all the movement, it doesn't really make sense that she didn't move at all. Maybe just mention that her hooves never moved.
:: There were a variety of small grammar mistakes littered throughout. Just make sure to go back and read your post.


Readability [+2]
:: She bit at the middle of her wing. Careful in fights where two members of the same gender are fighting and use the other character's name if you think it will help with clarity. At first I thought Elsa was biting her own wing. There were several other instances like this where I was confused about which 'she' you were referring to in your writing.


Finally tally: 18.5+6= 24.5HP
:: I could sense the excitement for this fight based on how quickly it was finished, but I really think you needed to slow down and go back to read your posts. There were lots of points lost that were simply due to carelessness or something that could have been clarified with a few extra words. Once you've written your post, go back and read it once or twice, slowly and objectively. Ask yourself if you would understand what was going on if you weren't in Elsa's head. You potentially could have had 5 additional points in realism, if you would have slowed down. As for emotion, you started to give me some really good stuff in the last post, and there were sprinklings of good emotion throughout the other two posts, but it took me a while to really get into it because Elsa was a little all over the place. I think my biggest complaint about your writing was lack of consistency. If you need to, go back and read your old posts to make sure your subsequent posts make sense in the scope of the battle.

*******************************************

CHEVEYO
Realism [+2.5]
:: ...the painted mare turned around on her heels to look the white mare dead on... Careful how you word things. By dictating that Cheveyo is turning to look at Elsa, you remove your opponent's ability to decide how their character acts. Even though Elsa said she was going to try and face Cheveyo's back end, you need to stay aware of the fact that your attack on Elsa could have changed her actions.
:: cantering easily out away from the mare in a wide circle before growing ever so slightly close to her again... Powerplay again. Don't dictate where your partner is, what they're doing, or how you're facing them. Only try to do these things.
:: I think you did a good job translating damage level rolled to actual damage on the field but I think you might have OOCly altered how Cheveyo would have acted to comply with that damage. Mainly, when Cheveyo stood still every time Elsa was charging at her. Don't forget that you can have Cheveyo take damage from other sources- pulling a muscle from moving too fast, tripping, stepping on a rock, etc.


Emotion [+1]
:: it was driving her mad that the only blood spilt thus far was her own. This could be good emotion but it seems a little in appropriate given the time frame of it. There has only been one attack from Elsa so far, the fight has just begun, so of course only Cheveyo's blood will have been spilled.
:: his whole charging thing was starting to get a little old and you would think after the first two failed attempts the wench would realize it was time to try something a little different. Good, finally in the last post I'm really starting to get some connection with Cheveyo. Take note of what you did here and try to use that starting from post 1.


Prose [0]
:: Switching tenses- I noticed one or two instances of switching from past to present tense. Make sure to reread and be consistent.
:: ...longing for the sound of breaking bones, or even just the cottony feeling that having a few flight feathers stuck between her teeth; Missing some words at the end here.
:: ...especially not to someone she had absolutely no idea who the crazy girl was. This is just another one of those 'what?' moments where I really think you could have benefited from going back to reread your post, maybe even out loud. There were a lot of these moments for me.
:: There were many, many instances where I think you could have benefited from the use of more commas, less semicolons or more periods. Make sure to slow down and read- even read out loud if you need to. Remember that commas generally mean pause, semicolons connect two ideas that are related but that should be separate sentences and periods should be used as full stops to break up ideas.


Readability [0]
:: Run on sentences and sentence fragments really affected my ability to read what you were writing, especially during the actual battle moments. When Cheveyo was just thinking you seemed to slow down and provide a little more clarity, but when the actual battle was occurring things got hectic and chaotic.
:: A pace or two later the taller mare's wings slapped against the air and her limbs lifted off the ground, rearing up the painted warrior struck out viciously with her forelimbs in an attempt to hit the mare's legs or chest once more. This was just incredibly confusing to me. I actually thought that you were writing about Elsa rearing up at first and I had to go back and re-read your post several times to even find where you attacked. In a battle with two horses of the same Gender, try to use names to clarify. Saying 'her' is really ambiguous and leaves a lot up for interpretation.


:: -1 point per post that was edited after the battle was finished (4 total).
Finally tally: 25+3.5-4= 24.5HP

:: First and foremost, never go back and edit your posts after they're up- and especially not after the battle is over- no matter what the reason. You would have won the fight if you hadn't gone back for edits. Overall, everything about your posts screamed that you were rushed. You have a good sense for battle and what Cheveyo was doing generally made sense to me, but the writing was really sloppy. Even if you're excited about a battle, you really need to go back, slow down, re-read, read out loud if you need to, and make sure that what was written makes sense. There were enough moments of clarity that your scores didn't dip into the negatives, but you still lost a lot of points in the writing section. I also would have enjoyed some more emotion from Cheveyo- I got hardly nothing until the last post. You always had more words left- make sure to use all 800 to your advantage.







0.5VP awarded to each.
Additional comment: The admin team does thank you for changing your posts from all caps to normal text, however you should always alert official before making edits. Official account can go in and change things.


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