“You're being effeminate, you know,” you respond in a matter-of-fact tone to the white stallion who has answered your call. Nowhere in your plan did you specify that you had to be nice to whoever showed up. To be honest, even if it had been a clause in your new manifesto, you probably would have dropped it upon seeing the stud that stands before you. You're not really sure what to make of him and your knee-jerk reaction to anything foreign is rudeness. With furrowed brow, you try to look over him and get some sort of assessment but your eyes keep training back to the fabric that holds his mane and tail aloft... Why? Just why? If it's a distraction technique, it's certainly working. In an effort to try and compose yourself, you shake your head a little bit from side to side. Naturally, this sends you careening off balance and you end up taking two (dressage worthy) side steps in order to keep yourself upright. Unfortunately, trees do not care about your balance or where your body is falling. Your rump bounces off another young oak but in the end you suppose that it's not really a bad thing. The surprise of bumping the tree makes you jump forward into a canter. Using the forward motion, you try to awkwardly dodge around the couple of trees that were between you and the Arab last time you checked. Well trained already, even in her young age, you can feel your companion's excitement about the fight. She does not particularly care for sparring but this is the only time you acknowledge her, the only time you concede that she may yet be useful, the only time that she gets to feel as though you might actually care about her a little bit. So even though she does not like fights, she would do literally anything just to feel that connection with you. She even secretly hopes that someday she might prove herself useful enough to earn a name from you. So she struggles and toils, going against her very nature just to try and make you happy. It's horrible, really, how you have someone in your life who loves you so unconditionally and you don't even care. But she's not the only one. Snowflake cares too, making excuses for you even when you are on your very worst behavior. She even pays attention to you... No. You snort. You will not think of Snowflake now. It only complicates everything, brings back those memories of your distant past, of home, of Kellian and the man who stole her from you. Your banishment is fact and something that you live with every day of your life, but that doesn't mean that you have to think about it. After all, that's what the drugs are for. Dodging one last tree, you hope that you will approach the effeminate stud with your right shoulder parallel to his as you run by him. Shoving your body to the right, you lead with your shoulder and attempt to jam it into his right flank. Nevermind that he never really asked if you wanted to battle and you never really told him that was what was going on. You assume he's not so entirely imbecilic that he cannot figure these things out for himself. Of course, for some horses that might actually be assuming too much... You will just have to hope that he is not one of them. Just after you attempt to press your shoulder into the stallion's side, you kick out lowly with your right hind leg. As your focus is mainly on the trees that are scattered about you didn't bother to look back, but your hope is to catch him somewhere along his front cannon bone and cause at least a good bruise. But then, the best laid plans of horse and men often go awry... who knows whats actually happening back there. For now, having completed what you hope was at least a semi-successful drive-by, you decide to reduce your speed to a wobbly trot. There is no reason for you to expend too much energy right now but you definitely don't want to stop at the scene of the alleged crime either. And so another battle begins and the familiar rage of war begins to build in your bones. You are ready. WC| 733 Post| 1/3 @[Fraub]- Just a reminder that I don't like to be tagged every time. Thanks! Also, no official notes this time since your first post isn't judged. I'll give you real feedback after your first post. The only thing I noticed of particular interest in the first post was that you said Oxy's bag was on his flank. If you're going to use anatomy terms, be sure you know where they are. The flank is just forward to the thigh on the mane body of the horse but Oxy's bag lies on his shoulder.

"At least I look good, you fat sow" his ears lay back and his lips curled downwards into a frown. Nostrils flaring as he eyed the brute up and down, which he seemed to be doing as well. Fraub watched the large male slip out of balance and break into a canter, he narrowed his eyes at the careless maneuver, in his opinion. His ears perked forward as he watched the brown male get closer to him, he shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to do. The closer he was getting the bigger he looked and he could feel the rumbling under his small hooves. He only had a couple of seconds to decide what he was going to do, his eyes glanced left and right and he held his breathe as the giant entered his personal space. His body moved to the left but a second too late and he was pounded by a monstrous shoulder. That hurt. He grunted and for half a second his thoughts directed into a quick solution. He shifted his feet around and the brute's hind leg grazed him, it did not hurt as much as the shoulder check and annoyed him more than anything. Fraub raised his hind right leg, holding it back as if to charge his punch for a split second. He pushed outwards with all of his strength, hoping to get him square in the barrel as the brute passed by. His mind raced, thoughts jumbled into a mess as he struggled to gain his composure. He took a deep breath, but wheezed something pathetic instead. Stretching his legs, extending them out as far as he could. He glided into a trot, taking several large steps in the opposite direction of his challenger. Craning his neck to look back at the brute, he did not have time to spit out something witty. "talking" 'thoughts' words 315 tags -- ooc ops, sorry, I guess I meant in the girth area.

Insults. You like it. Laughter rolls from your lips, a low grumbling sound that echos through the tight woods. Except that it's not the kind of laughter that makes you think of fluffy puppies and kittens. It's an odd kind of laughter, a trickling sound that might make one wish that they were nothing but a fly on the wall- the kind of laughter that does not bode well for anybody on the receiving end. He wants to mock you? Fine, he can mock you, but he's going to know that you can punish him for his mocking with the drop of a hoof. As your shoulder finds Fraub's side and digs in, you are pleased with yourself. Unfortunately, you must have hit at a slightly odd angle because you get some recoil from the blow and you frown in displeasure at your own foolish mistake. Of course, it's your own fault... nobody forced you to consume the locoweed. As your shoulder pulsates slowly beneath the skin, you suppose that blood is probably rushing to the area and preparing to form a bruise. The bruise itself is not particularly concerning to you- you're no stranger to the painful effects; however, you hope that the pulsing contusion doesn't turn into something more. Unfortunately, you think it might. As you step on that limb you feel the muscles pulling. It is a slight pull, just a whisper of restricted range of motion, but a warrior knows his body and you can tell the difference. Perhaps it won't get any worse. After your horseshoe does little but graze the opponent, you are not left with much time to think or react. Your opponent has set his trap wisely. His hind hoof catches you just on your last rib, pressing against the bone that is protected by just a thin layer of muscle and flesh. In fact, the combination of friction from his hoof and the tight skin over your sides leads to some tearing. A shallow cut opens on your side, letting some blood pool and then trickle down. It will clot soon enough, so you are not overly concerned, but now you must repay the small beast for his transgressions- both oral and physical. You turn just in time to see Fraub dance off and you are instantly left with a dilemma as you try to chase after him. How much can you do to make him slow down before it goes outside the bounds of the rules you have set for yourself? With a sigh, you decide not to use your blood magic... yet. It's a shame, really. This whole 'getting along with the herd' thing that you're trying already seems like more of an annoyance than it's worth. Still... you suppose you can try for a little longer. It will probably take more than a few minutes for the high king himself to notice that you're playing nice. So, instead of your magic, you let your companion fly out ahead of you to work her own sort of magic. Attempting to get in front of Fraub, your boggart uses her new found (and quite useful!) magic to try and create a distraction. Levitating a medium-sized stick that was laying upon the forest floor, the wisp of a girl attempts to send it flying towards Fraub's face. As long as it doesn't hit him in the eye, it should be an excellent form of distraction. And even though you do little more than give her a mental high-five, the boggart is instantly over the moon with excitement. You have praised her! Oh, sweet rapture! Only the fact that you are in a fight keeps her from rushing back to you to celebrate. That, and the fact that you would probably try to bite her. Around the same time that the girl is attempting to create a distraction, you are trying to trot behind the cover of some brush. It may not actually work that well, since you're rather large and all, but you suppose it's better than just announcing your presence. Attempting to come up along the stallion from behind, although slightly off to his left side in order to avoid any more flailing hooves, you try this time to use your height to your advantage. As you get to what you judge should be Fraub's side, you throw your body into a rear and lash out with flailing hooves, each one attempting to pummel the flesh just off-center from his spine. Ugh! Being tolerant of your herd mates may just be the worst thing that ever happened to you. You're quite certain you could have killed this stallion already. It's a shame, really. It would be so much more fun to beat him to a bloody pulp. WC| 797 Post| 2/3 @[Fraub]

Alright, time for the fun stuff! First thing, don't forget to note 1/3 or 2/3 at the bottom of your post. It helps the admin team with the dice rolls!
Overall, the first thing I really noticed about your post is that it's really short. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it made me think right away that you probably had room to build on what you had written. I'll break things down by section of the rubric, but if you want me to change the way I give you feedback just let me know. I want to make sure this is useful for you!

Realism- I can't really tell from your post if you took an appropriate amount of damage or not. I think you might have, but all you really mention in your writing is that Fraub got hit. With injuries, it's always good to note how much pain it's causing now, what the future consequences might be if its more than just a very minor injury (and follow up with these injuries in your future posts), and Fraub's response to the injury. It also helps to be fairly specific about the location of the injury. For instance, when Oxy rammed his shoulder into Fraub's side, I don't know where he hit. That information is useful to me because Oxy, depending on whether he is trying to really hurt Fraub or be gentle with him in the spar, might want to try and attack that location again or avoid it. Mentioning what future consequences might come from the injury and then mentioning those in your next posts is a nice tidbit that is a sort of 'cherry on top' to a good fight. There are no markdowns for your horse getting hurt, as long as you do it within the scope of the dice roll, so go ahead and let your character be injured! Ditto all these comments to Oxy's second attack. In particular, I have no idea where Oxy hit. That said, you did especially good with noting directions. I have a really good idea of where Fraub is in relation to Oxy at all times, and that is really helpful! I also think that Fraub's attack, although minor, was pretty realistic in consideration of the fact that he was attacked out of the blue, so good job with that.

Emotion- I think the weakest part of this post was probably that it was fairly dry and lacked a lot of emotion. Fraub is a really fun character, so don't be afraid to let him shine through! I laughed out loud as soon as I read the first sentence but then didn't get much more of that humor. Spars always tend to be serious, so if you can throw in some humor to lighten the mood up, that's great. To help me with emotion, since it's something I struggle with as well, I try to ask myself questions. So, Fraub got attacked all of the sudden. What is he feeling about that? Is he surprised? Angry? Annoyed? After all, he's going to have to clean his coat for the fourth time today! And how does getting hit change the way he's feeling? Does he want to fight back, would he rather run away? What is his motivation for not just bolting? These are just a few of the questions you can ask yourself to help find some of the emotion. Now, emotion doesn't have to be overt emotion. It's more that we want to see your character's personality shining through. If your character is more dark and broody, let them be dark and broody. If they tend not to feel much then focus more on their motivation and their hopes for winning the fight. You can really tailor this section to your character.

Prose- I didn't see any spelling mistakes, so good job with that! Sometimes the writing seemed a little choppy. Transition words are really helpful to create fluidity between sentences. Also, don't be afraid to read your post out loud if you think it will help you with that. Since grammar is included in this section, I also wanted to mention that there were lots of sentence fragments and oddly placed commas. Just remember that a comma usually indicates a pause if you were to read the sentence out loud. If you don't want the reader to pause, go ahead and drop the comma.

Readability- There were several fragmented sentences where I had to go back and re-read because I thought I missed something. Sometimes broken sentences can be a stylistic choice, but make sure that they are complete enough that they don't leave the reader returning to read again. Ideally, you want your opponent and the judges to be able to read straight through the post once and understand everything that has happened. Also, don't be afraid to use names, especially in fights with two opponents of the same gender. There were lots of times where you wrote 'he' and it took a second to figure out if you meant Fraub or Oxy.

Overall, I think you have a good starting base, but it's the little details that really bring everything together. Good work!

A deep growl echoed from his open mouth and he surprised himself with the sound, either he was really mad or just really hungry. He figured he had gained enough distance away to evaluate his situation for at least a second, if not more if the large brute did not make any hasty movements. His heart was pounding faster than he had felt in ages, he wasn't sure if he liked the adrenaline very much though. Sweat trickled from behind his ears and rolled down his cheek, his nerves were causing him to perspire more than the actual physical activity itself. He shifted his feet around and it was then the pain started to settle in, the ugly male had gotten him just past his shoulder and it stung like a bad cramp. He knew there was going to be an unattractive bruise there after this was all over and it made him mad because it was something he couldn't bathe away. His thoughts were interrupted by a stick grazing the side of his face and his heart skipped a beat. The only other thing he heard was rustling coming up from behind him and the thumping of heavy hooves. Fraub swung his body to the left and made a one-hundred and eighty degree turn only to be faced with a monstrous beast made of muscle and flailing hooves. Fraub knew his movements were restricted, considering anything towards the left or right would surely get him struck. The only thing he could think of was that the beast's belly was exposed, if just for a few moments at least. Being this close to the other male put Fraub into perspective of just how small he was compared, he knew if he slipped he would be in for it big time. And his precious mane, he simply couldn't deal with having his silver prize being butchered before him. He'd have so much work to do after this. Fraub pointed the tip of his horn almost blindly in the direction of where he assumed exposed flesh was, hopefully the stomach area. Swinging his head upwards he attempted to gouge all the way up the brute's stomach. Fraub's movement graced him upwards and onto his hind legs as well, his front hooves nicked something hard and he assumed it was the male's own flailing hooves. Not realizing the extent of his actions he lost his balance and began to tip backwards. Fraub tried to balance his footing but all he was stepping on were rocks, 'damnit, who put those rocks there'. He twisted his body slightly to the right so he did not land on his back. Instead he fell on his side, scraping his withers on a tree he grazed on his way down. Fraub knew if he succeeded in scratching the brute he would have blood and whatever other bodily fluids stuck to his horn and boy would that be annoying to clean. "talking" 'thoughts' words 500 tags 2/3 ooc Super good points you made, I tried to lengthen my post by adding a lot of things you pointed out. I know that my sentences are kind of fragment-y like, unfortunately its something I fall into a lot when I type haha. Basically it's something that sounds better in my head and doesn't come out right. ;b Hoping there was some improvement with this one.

You should not have been so cocky, it seems. Your companion, either hindered by her idiocy or distracted by your own chaotic thoughts, has missed the stallion's face- and everything else- with her attack. As for yourself... You're clearly just as much a fool. While you were rising from the ground, beginning to beat the air with your hooves, your opponent was turning. Now he faces you and you think you know all too well what he is going to do. The tilt of his horn and the subtle lift in his head are enough to warn you. You are battled hardened, a mistress to the war game, and you have seen swords flashing towards your belly before. You do not fear. Instead, you act. Grunting dramatically, you heave your body to the right just as Fraub finishes his swipe and is raising himself upwards, your eyes rolling wildly as you try to keep track of his body as well as your own. It is only a fair bit of luck that helps you evade the spire upon his head. It is the brute's own stupidity that helps you evade his hooves. Perhaps he has overestimated himself, thrown himself too high, not held his rear hooves far enough apart... whatever his mistake, one thing is certain. He is a fool. But if he is a fool, you are too. As you come nearer to the ground, you realize that you are not balanced and that there is a tree too near. Damnit, you manage to think as you start to stumble sideways towards a healthy looking oak that stands guard in the forest. If you hadn't been so overzealous you might have been able to smash the Arab while he was flailing on the ground. Instead, you're left defending yourself from a stationary object. All the while, your wispy companion invades your head with her panicked emotions. As if that's helping. Digging your hooves into the ground, stumbling over a root or two, you finally manage to come to some sort of movie-esque stop, your right side and ribs just inches from the grating bark of the massive tree. But your victory against the forest does not leave you any happier. If anything, you are more upset. Your blood boils in your veins that you should have been made a fool by your herdmate. You've been trying to be nice, trying to contain yourself against him, but you are no saint and only a saint could withstand these pressures. You are through pretending. Good job lasting all of... what? 15 minutes? But as you look left and right you do not see the golden king anywhere near. He will never be the wiser, so long as the foolish Arab does not run to tell on you. And you would hope he would be more of a man than his beauty routine suggests. Calling upon your magic, you feel some energy drain from your body as you attempt to release it towards Fraub. Eagerly, you await his response. You love the look in your opponents' eyes as their blood begins to burst in their veins, as they begin to gasp for oxygen and their muscles cramp for lack of it. If you are lucky, you will actually succeed in damaging him this time. You refuse to consider what will happen if you are unlucky. Battles are not won on luck or thoughts. They are won on actions and training. Heaving yourself forward, away from the tree that was almost your doom, you angle yourself towards Fraub. As you move, your bag pulls at your shoulder, reminding you that you should be eating locoweed instead of flailing about with the idiot before you. An errant ray of sun bursts through the tree tops, confirming that you should be getting high and causing you to squint and turn your head away. But even if the gods and mother nature herself are against you, you will not give in. You lower your head and, when you think you are close to your Arab herdmate, you throw your head up, dark horns flying through the air with intent to slice your opponent. You don't even look to see where you might strike him. He has upset you and you are no longer playing nice. Be it face or chest, side or rump, if you hit him you will relish the drag of your horns through his flesh and smile as the blood plays upon their tips. If you miss.... well, you may as well go kill yourself. After all, if you miss this court jester for a second time in a row you're pretty sure you don't even deserve to live. WC| 786 Post| 3/3 OOC| Dark x Water Magic: Able to burst red blood cells, causing reduced hemoglobin levels therefore signs of anemia and oxygen deprivation. Symptoms include muscle cramping, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, disorientation and fade after 30 seconds. @[Fraub]

Excellent, I already saw a lot of improvement from last post to this one. I'll break everything down by category again!

Realism: Again, excellent job letting me know where Fraub was in relation to Oxy. Your writing is very clear in this aspect. I also really appreciated that you had Fraub interact with the environment, stepping on a rock. In regards to the dice roll, with Oxy missing you shouldn't have taken any damage. The stick just grazing his face or stepping on a rock were fine as I didn't really consider those to be damage. However, with Fraub falling over on his side and scraping himself on a tree, I think that he definitely would have gotten hurt doing that. So that would probably be counted against you. Fraub's counterattack was well written and a good idea, but when he stopped attacking I would have had him just land back on his feet or something. That way you could have avoided taking damage that you weren't supposed to. On the plus side, it sets you up quite well for your next post since Fraub did end up taking a critical miss. However, you wouldn't have known that when you wrote your post so just be careful with that. On the other hand, it was a nice touch that you considered Oxy's hooves would still be flailing while Fraub was rearing up. The sweat from his nerves was a nice touch and I really appreciated that.

Emotion: You did a good job adding in a little more emotion. I still think there could have been more. Fraub is not a fighter and yet he avoided getting hit by this big monster and his flailing hooves. I don't know if Fraub is much of a celebrator, but it would have been nice to see how he was feeling about that. Was he elated and celebrating in his head (for a second until he started tipping)? Was he too scared to be excited? Was there something else going on? Tipping over also would have been good fodder for emotion. Falling isn't a normal thing for a horse to do, so it would have been nice to see some really serious stressing out about what was going on, a little more consideration of his mistake, etc. The flying stick might also have been an excellent place for more of Fraub's hilarious thoughts, since a stick suddenly whizzing past your face isn't really normal either. That said, you did a great job working in a little more humor this time and I really did laugh at several parts! The part about his stomach growling, the part about not wanting to mess up his hair, the consideration of his nerves! Keep building on those moments because they're great.

Prose: I still think that the prose read a little bit choppy. It wasn't necessarily bad, and I didn't catch any distractingly incorrect grammar errors, but I still just felt like I was missing something. Transitional words can really help enhance your writing. Switching sentence order around can help too. I noticed that a lot of your sentences started with a noun- Fraub, He, His, etc. Again, it wasn't bad, it just seemed to be lacking a sort of... bow on top of the package, if you catch my drift. But that is something that comes with time and knowing your character, I believe. Overall, the post was well written and easy to read. The only mistake I noticed was that there should have been a space before 'damnit, who put those rocks there.

Readability: I don't have much to add this time to this category. I think you did a much better job of making sure your sentences were complete enough to not cause confusion and I didn't really notice any instances where your use of 'he' was ambiguous. I always knew if you were talking about Oxy or Fraub.

His landing was not soft as he hit the ground with an eye wincing thud. His withers grazed the tree he had fallen beside, although the scratches were not serious, they still stung. A loud grunt escaped his lips and he looked around wildly for the beast. 'How embarrassing' he frowned, clearly his pride was more important than his well being and that notion itself was a fool's thinking. The fact that he had missed his target completely did not register entirely as he was more focused on his tumble to the ground. Fraub glared at the pile of rocks that had decided his fate. It was something that was more annoying than anything and he wasn't particularly angry rather than a little frightened as to what would happen if he let his guard down. Although the male was a beast, he was still a heard mate and there was no way the brute would just kill him, right? Undecided as to what he was going to do next Fraub focused on his opponent who had also stumbled over to a tree. Hopefully that would give him enough time to think of something quickly, if not he could just run away. 'Run away? Who the hell runs away?!' he yelled angrily to himself for being so indecisive. That thing was going to be at his feet in a matter of seconds if he didn't think of something quickly. Fraub glanced around focusing on certain things closest but nothing was of particular use to him. 'I bet if I got up it would be ea-.. ugh' it felt like his brain had just melted and pooled to the bottom of his skull. Fraub's head felt as light as air and his breathing became raspy and off beat. This was nothing he had ever experienced before, except for that one time when a friend butted him in the chest and he became winded... or that time he had the flu maybe. 'Have I fallen ill?' his eyelids grow heavy and he lay his head back against the ground. He did not say a word and only quick wheezing escaped his lips. The sound of heavy hooves approaching triggers something in the back of his mind, 'Get up you fool!'. Surely nothing compares to this! And in all of his frustration and annoyance he pulls his head up only to see a glimpse of two pointy weapons fling upwards narrowly missing his face. 'That was too close' a little relieved and feeling as if luck may be on his side he attempts to get up as quickly as his body will let him. As fraub moves his shoulder to stand an intense pain shoots upwards and throughout his body. His orbs glance downwards and he notices an unreasonable amount of blood dripping from his shoulder area. A piercing squeal emits from his vocals and reality begins to form much more clearly than it had a handful of seconds ago. Fraub's mental state begins to un fog but his physical well being suffers and he worries if he may ever leave this area in one piece. The only thing he can think of at the moment is to get up and get as far away as he can... or do some damage if just a little at least AND then run far away. The latter is more appealing to him considering his anger level is rising past just 'annoying' and into 'freaking annoying'. Fraub's heart races as he pushes to stand up, kicking outwards with his back legs and pushing upwards as if he were about to jump as well. His horn pointed at the male in a defensive gesture. Not sure where he is aiming but hoping he is close enough to hit something at the very least he lurches forward. Hoping to dig his golden crown deep into the beast's flesh. "talking" 'thoughts' words 670 tags 3/3 ooc I guess I let him get hurt a little because I needed something to let the post be a little longer. :s I wasn't really expecting the critical miss though haha.

It's kind of your own fault that by the time you're rushing towards the Arab, he is still on the ground. You should have given him time to rise before you magicked him. You were too eager to cause destruction. Not all attacks should be so sudden. Still, the fool screams as you continue on behind him, so you must have hit him somewhere. You smirk, decidedly happy with yourself, but your victory smile comes too soon. The Arab throws himself to his feet and before you can jump out of the way, hooves are flying in your direction. One, two. His rear hooves slam into your left rib cage. It's a stupid injury- you shouldn't have been so close to him. You should have known better than to run so close to him. You were too cocky. It is a mistake you'll try to remember in your future battles, so as not to make it again. Your side aches, as though you are bruised down to your very bone, and you find yourself gasping for breath for a few strides. He must have knocked the wind out of you. Your eyes grow wide as you try to suck in air, try to make yourself breath, try to get oxygen to your tissues that so desperately need it. This must be what it is like to use your magic on others- you do not like it. You panic, struggle, stagger about, trying to force your diaphragm to work again and force your lungs to take in air. For a moment, your oxygen starved brain begins to tell you that you are going to die. It is a hint, an inkling, of a notion, but it puts the very fear of the gods into you. This idiot, for all of his flailing, has managed to kill you? You think not. With one, vicious gasp, you fill your chest with air again, feel your lungs expand, and revel in the agony of your bruised rib expanding. It hurts, but at least you are alive. Glaring back towards the fool, who has subsequently lowered his horn to ward you off, you snort, retreating from him and heading off into the woods. He has wounded your pride, made you fear for your life despite the fact that he is but a babe on the battlefield, and you do not have any desire to stay around him any longer. With a dismissive flick of your tail, you shake your head and limp off to lick your wounds and get high. You make sure that your path avoids the pool where you're sure this pageant boy will go to clean his newly-dirtied hide. WC| 447 Post| Defense/3 @[Fraub]

Sorry for the wait! Last post- note that it is fairly short because the only part of the rubric considered in the defense post is realism, so I don't usually spend a ton of time on the last post, other than to read it over for obvious spelling mistakes.

Realism: I'm kind of confused about the blood on the shoulder area. Did Oxy do that? Where did that injury come from. If Fraub was on the ground and Oxy's horns went by his face, I have a hard time seeing how he could have been hit in the shoulder. I was also confused about his attack. I basically gave you the freedom to say whether Oxy went in front of or behind Fraub, but to me it seems like you're not really sure where he went. Fraub gets up and kicks with his hind limbs, which indicates to me that Oxy is behind him. However, he subsequently jumps forward (I'm assuming it was subsequent, anyways; the way it was written it seems like it would be at the same time, which is impossible), which indicates to me that Oxy is in front of Fraub. Going into writing, I'm not exactly sure where you think Oxy is in relation to your character.

Emotion: I liked his response to the magic- as I've told you before, I just always want more, more, more! Maybe I am needy. I like Fraub, but I never really feel like I get in his head, I just get near it.

Prose: Missed a space here: 'I bet if I got up it would be ea-.. ugh'it. I probably would have removed the space or dash here: begins to un fog. Of course, that is more a stylistic choice since unfog isn't really a word. He was still a heard mate → Herd. Halfway through the post you switched from past tense to present tense, which was kind of confusing to me. As fraub moves his shoulder → capitalize his name! His horn pointed at the male in a defensive gesture. Not sure where he is aiming but hoping he is close enough to hit something at the very least he lurches forward. I think you intended to put a comma between those two sentences, not a period. As you can see, though, I am just pulling out nit-picky stuff by the end here. I think your writing has grown tremendously, just through these three posts. Great job!

Readability: Everything was readable other than some of the confusion during Fraub's attack. I got caught up a moment when you switched from past to present tense, but otherwise I didn't see anything particularly glaring.

OXY
Realism [+3.5]
You did a really stellar job with realism all throughout your posts. Each of your attacks and defenses was beautifully described and carried out with respect to timing, positioning, and sensibility. I enjoyed the strategy with the companion as a distraction. You did great with taking injuries and accurately describing them, and I particularly liked how you took recoil damage from the shoulder ram.

Your score was brought down in your closing defense because you didn’t respond to Fraub’s horn attack, which may have just been general confusion. You noted that the horn was pointed at Oxy, but Fraub clearly stated doing a sort of blind stabbing which you didn’t touch on. I also wanted to see more references to their different breeds and sizes, especially considering how different they were; you mentioned it a bit in your second post but that was really it. Otherwise you really utilized the terrain to your advantage, or disadvantage in the case of the sun in your eyes. And nice response to Oxy’s miss and reconfiguring how to place his body. Excellent job!


Emotion [+2.5]
I really felt Oxy all throughout each and every post and laughed a couple times at his increasing frustration of trying to play nice. You have a unique companion bond which is always fun to read and of course the loveable oaf that is Oxy.


Prose [+4]
It was a pleasure to read your posts because there is always excellent flow and transition and you give Oxy a definitive style that is noticeable, but not distracting.


Readability [+2.5]
I never struggled with your posts and from what I could tell you had no typos or grammatical errors. The only thing that brought this score down was in your first post there wasn’t a lot of description about what and where your companion was, although you were talking about her. Having read Oxy before I already knew her a bit, but for an opponent, that may have been confusing. Otherwise fantastic job!


Finally tally: 56+12.5= 68.5 HP


FRAUB
Realism [-3]
Overall your score suffered the most from lack of description. For instance in your first post you say “that hurt”, which tells me nothing about the injury - not how it really feels, not what damage is done, not where the damage is done, and not how it will affect Fraub during the fight (can he brush it off? will it slow him down, will he limp, will he choose to do a different attack than usual because it hurts in that area?). Similarly your defense in the first post, “shifted his feet around”, doesn’t explain to me how Fraub actually dodges or moves out of the way. How does he shift his feet around and why and how does that help him to better evade the oncoming attack? Then your response lacks description, because you say Fraub kicks out, and you mention so little of the kick that it seems like a second-though, effortless, but you’re aiming at Oxy’s barrel, which with his height is going to be quite a bit high and require a good deal fo effort from Fraub. Overall I felt that the first post did not have a realistic response to the damage dealt via the dice or based on what Oxy had written, and especially not based on oxy’s size compared to Fraub.

You did improve over time with the description, for instance you better describe an injury in your second post, but then you take damage when your opponent’s attack was a miss. You also try and horn a rearing horse which is not realistic. A rearing horse is not usually very balanced, so to try and go forward, into that rear, which there are hooves flailing around making that pretty difficult on its own, will only unbalance the rearing horse and cause them to fall on you, making the damage even worse than it would normally be, so there’s no good outcome to that, least of all when an attack was supposed to have miss. I like your attempt at taking damage from the scenery and unbalancing yourself, I actually really enjoyed it, but it was out of place based on the outcome of the dice.

In your final post I was a little bit confused throughout. I’m not entirely sure how Oxy missed Fraub with his horns. If you wanted it to be because Fraub was on the ground, possibly helped from the light in Oxy’s eyes, then describe that, say that, so that I know, because otherwise the fact that Oxy missed was not very realistic. I was also not sure where Fraub suddenly got a painful and bleeding shoulder, nor how Fraub was attacking Oxy with his back feet and his horn on the front of his head at the same time. You had a great response to the blood magic though! I think you could have expanded on it further though, because that’s a pretty serious ability.

Overall I want you to focus on describing and detailing your attacks, defenses, and injuries to create more realism for them. There’s a lot going on in a fight and you were just on the edge each time of doing great, so I know you can get there with some practice and time.


Emotion [+0.5]
You had some sprinkles of emotion here and there in your posts, and I saw it steadily improving, but it was never enough to really draw me in, which is a shame because it seems like Fraub has a lot of character that would make him a pretty amusing read, especially during a fight. I never felt like I understood Fraub’s motivations for participating in the fight, selecting the attacks and defenses that he did, how he felt about his injuries and his misses, or how he really felt about such a terrifying magic. Since you had the word count left, definitely add some emotional ranges all throughout your post to really capture the reader - I want to be Fraub when I’m reading his fights.


Prose [+0.5]
I think you have the potential for some very nice writing and style to this character, but at the moment it felt very choppy and scattered in a lot of places. I’d encourage you to really work on adding flow and direction to your posts, so that as different events and moods occur you can fluidly move between them rather than jumping from one thing to the next.


Readability [+1]
You actually were very good at explaining the directions the two characters were facing, or on, which helped me keep track of them during the fight. However at times I wasn’t always sure who you were referencing because you’d just use a general “him”, which when there’s two males, can cause me to re-read to ensure “him” means Fraub or Oxy. Don’t be afraid to use names! For the most part I didn’t notice typos, but there was some weird sentences so just re-read before you post to catch any fragments or run-ons and adhere to correct grammar to clean it up and you’ll be all set.


Finally tally: 40-1= 39 HP