the Rift


[JUDGED] Time Is All I Really Need [Chev x Briu spar]

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#1

Cheveyo
done made the devil a deal, he made me pretty, he made me smart





It had been a while since I had been here, here being in the place where I was meant to spar another creature. Of course, I had almost sparred with the black and white pegasus who seemed to have gold following his every footstep, but that ended in an emotional wreck and no blood shed. It was a day that I wasn't proud of, but the past was in the past and now I had a task at hand. I had to protect the purple veined flower as if it were a soul that meant something to me. As if it were something that I couldn't live without, something like Kwahu that had left a gaping hole in my soul with his passing.
I yawned quite heavily when my yellow painted hooves finally stopped moving forwards, the past year or so of little to no sleep was beginning to catch up with me but I hopefully only had a little bit further to go before I would finally get to close my eyes and not be woken up by the sound of my own screams. A shudder passed through my painted frame as the images of the slain boy came back to the forefront of my mind as it seemed to be doing more and more often these days, maybe it was the warm weather and the dusty terrain that was causing the past to interrupt the present. There were a million things that could cause the memories to keep triggering, but I couldn't pinpoint it. If I could pinpoint it I would find and destroy whatever it was.
But, for the time being I had another task at hand. My white washed skull shook as I attempted to get the horrible memories to go back into the filing cabinet that I kept in the corner of my mind along with the cobweb covered memories of my childhood before Kwahu. I inhaled sharply, tucking my chestnut harks into the tangled mess of blonde hair before letting a trumpet loose into the air. Calling forth whoever was nearest and in the mood for a fight as I needed to complete this quest quickly before the image of the feathers and the arrow, and the blood...oh, the blood...drove me crazy.


"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Biru]
Words;; 378
OOC;; This spar is a part of the Quest from the Moon Goddess for a companion
Setting;; Mid-day Tallsun, hot, light breeze, clear sky.
No companions, no magic
Attacks;; 0/3
Defense;; 0/1
Stat Change for Chev;; - 2 attack for the whole spar.

Edited: I messed up Biru's name in the tag, and I needed to add the stat change e.e


so I'm gonna break me a million hearts




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Biru Posts: 33
Up For Adoption atk: 3.5 | def: 7 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Hybrid :: 16.3 Hands :: 3 HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Annabelle :: Royal Cerndyr :: Dark Mist Adoptable
#2
Biru
Annabelle was growing older steadily. In their wanderings around Helovia, she had begun to call attention to his warrior side. Her thoughts would often show images of thorns, a dead animal, or other related items to pain and anguish. It frightened Biru to know that she knew so much about his past, especially the warrior side of him.

Although, he could not blame her, being bonded meant she heard, felt and saw things nearly identical to the way Biru interpreted them. Every brush movement seemed to be a hiding enemy, each disturbance among the foliage meant a battle had ensued, and every prick of pain brought back both painful and satisfying memories. How could she not know?

Anna had grown to a large fawn now. Her spots had begun to darken, a sure sign Biru thought, of the power that must be infused within her blood. It seemed that even she knew a powerful magic was destined to arise within her. However, she was still to young to know exactly what form had bound itself to her.

The duo began to meander through the foliage. They both were a little starved from the long journey of trying to figure out where to go. Still, the two did not have a place to rest their heads.

Suddenly, Anna had an idea. She bounded excitedly in front of Biru, bouncing and wagging her tail, attempting to get him to guess what she had in mind. "Fetch?" He asked, and she shook her head, eyeing him and careful not to reveal her thoughts. Biru eyed her back, equally hiding his thoughts. How did the fetch master not want to play fetch? Anna practically lived off of chasing sticks. "A nap?" On cue he yawned and Anna ran at him, antlers up, and straight into his chest. Her blunt antlers took his breath away, nearly ready to crush her; he finally understood what she meant. "A battle?" Of course this was it, she bounded around throwing her hind legs into the air like she just didn’t care. She flashed images of the herd, and the pair, signaling she believed a battle could prove they would be great warriors to a leader.

It wasn’t long after that a call shattered the air. Biru’s head shot up, and Anna bounded after it, completely without a care. Biru chased her, wailing and telling her to stop before they reached a clearing. The wind was gentle, and the sun shone bright. Birus dark skin immediately began to infuse with the heat, and a new memory flooded his mind. She is out for blood.

He didn’t even offer a name, as he began charging at Cheveyo. Annabelle took to the foliage, hiding, she had never seen this side of her bonded before. She flashed thoughts of clouds, fields, and other signs that meant luck and peace, she knew what he had to do, and only hoped he could make it through. In return, Biru sent flashes of red, telling her to stay there no matter what.

His feathered hooves carried him across the dry ground. As he attempted to approach the painted mare, he flashed his horn, from his left, and attempted to tear upwards towards his right. He hoped that his horn had cut or stab into the neck and chest area of the mare. As always, he could’ve miscalculated. As his horn reached into the air, he slid to a stop, waiting to adjust to how the mare fought. He was ready, for he believed this mare to be a dirty fighter. Anna wailed from the foliage in encouragement. She truly believed he could do it.

@[Cheveyo] || 609 Words || 1/3 attacks
OOC: sorry for the wait, I had vacation and a sunburn that put me out for a while. :[ but these will be up faster now that I'm back and healthier!!
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Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#3

Cheveyo
done made the devil a deal, he made me pretty, he made me smart





As soon as the call left my vocal chords my mind drifted back into the filing cabinet that wasn't as covered in cobwebs anymore, the memory had been viewed too often in the last week for the spiders to feel it fit to hole up in that corner of my mind any longer. But this time, it wasn't just the image of the slain boy sprawled across the dusty ground with a feathered stick standing up from his chest. No...This time the image was more of a clip of feelings and moving images from that fateful day. I could feel his weight lifting off of my withers and the sound of his last exclamation as the force of the arrow flung him backwards. I could hear the sound of his body hitting the ground as my scream tore through the hot air, then the worst....the hoof beats of the others...wait. That wasn't right.

I couldn't remember there being others around us as it seemed like the world stopped turning as I screamed for Kwahu to stand back up and get back to fighting as he should be. But there were clearly hoof beats echoing in my skull that quickly brought me back to reality, my orchid pools widened in surprise at the black and white horned frame that was barreling towards me, his skull swinging about as if he was cutting through something as he ran. My own white washed skull was tossed into the air as my yellow painted hooves leapt into motion, moving my frame from its original resting place as I knew that being stabbed with the stallion's horn this early in the fight would spell disaster for the rest of it.

A grunt of pain escaped through my rosy kissers as I landed wrong on my left ankle, instead of finding the solid ground that I had been expecting I found myself standing in a rotted out fallen tree trunk that had given away as my hoof hit it. Lifting my hoof out of the rotted tree the pain spread up my cannon bone, stopping just below my knee as an indicator that I had in fact twisted the tendons and muscles that connected to my ankle harder than I had expected, surely it would restrict some movements later. But for now, I had more important things to think about, a twisted ankle was something I could survive with but the demons of my past tearing at my brain was something I could not.

Chestnut harks slammed back into my tangled blonde tresses as orchid pools lit up with desire and determination. I would beat this black and white beast no matter what happened, I had too. Moving forward from my position I quickly lifted my painted frame into the air on my hind limbs, forelimbs struck out relentlessly at what I hoped would be the stallion's back or neck. Anywhere that would cause damage enough that he would be less able to harm the delicate lily that was intertwined into my tangled locks. As my frame came back down to the dry ground that was crying out for air a shock of pain traveled up my forelimb from the impact with the hardened soil. Ivory lids fluttered shut over orchid pools for barely a second as I bit back the pain, I had to protect this damn flower and show the purple goddess that I was worthy of being bonded to another being. And this bastard wasn't going to get in my way.



"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Biru]
Words;; 588
OOC;; This spar is a part of the Quest from the Moon Goddess for a companion
Setting;; Mid-day Tallsun, hot, light breeze, clear sky.
No companions, no magic
Attacks;; 1/3
Defense;; 0/0
Stat Change for Chev;; - 2 attack for the whole spar.
Injuries;; Twisted front left ankle when moving away from Biru's swinging horn, will make bucking difficult.


so I'm gonna break me a million hearts




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Biru Posts: 33
Up For Adoption atk: 3.5 | def: 7 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Hybrid :: 16.3 Hands :: 3 HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Annabelle :: Royal Cerndyr :: Dark Mist Adoptable
#4
Biru
His heartbeat was oddly calm for how nervous he felt at the beginning, no doubt the workings of Anna, whose rapid thinking was cluttering up his skull. Although the girl was nervous, she had a way of keeping a calm and relaxed demeanor. As much as he felt her want to be in the fight, he just couldn’t do it. She was too young, and too naïve to be fighting. So, she did her best to not interfere from the sidelines. She may be young; but she was not to young to learn from her brother’s triumphs and mistakes.

The fawn’s heartbeat intensified with each beat, completely throwing Biru’s otherwise calm demeanor out of whack. His whole body as a whole felt as if it were being ripped apart. One clung to reality, while the other half was clawing for dominance. That half knew and that half wanted the red blood to be painted across the ground.

Thoughts were spinning around, as he seemed to go blind with confusion. It was then that he swung his horn, and the air seemed to be the only thing that he managed to slice. It was then, his past self began creeping up again. Even Annabelle’s nervous mental prodding could not bring him back down to reality. This was his mind now. Anna bleated from the side, desperately trying to bring him back, but it seemed that he was gone.

A scream of rage bubbled forth from his chest, expelling a loud grating sound. He had not seen Cheveyo land incorrectly on her ankle. He had no way of knowing that he had been the catalyst for an injury. Instead, he began to think he had failed. Everything was rushing back to the training camps, the circles, the lodge… and the pit.

As he turned to face Cheveyo again, she had begun to lift her body into the air. She loomed over him, and began kicking her legs out. He just needed to push her over, to make her fall. ‘This is a real sacrifice Lia.’ It was the only thought that crossed his mind as he began to counter. He moved to try and position himself slightly under her. In the process, her hooves rained down upon him. One cracked upon the top of his left shoulder, and he wailed. The hoof had cut into the top part of his left shoulder, leaving a puffy, one inch cut in its wake. The white-ish red flesh provided a stark and painful contrast against the black hairs that coated his body. No doubt it would painful to move, but he was trained, Lia had done much, much worse. However, there was no time to dwell on the injury now, he had to act.

Hopefully still underneath the mare, he reared up, hoping to topple her over by piercing his horn through her body. In the process, Cheveyo had again managed to strike him, this time, her hoof coming down along the right side of his neck. Luckily, nothing more than an uncomfortable scrape was left behind.

As his dark hooves made contact with the ground, Anna called out again. She was desperately trying to connect with him, to make sure he was still him. Biru was too deep into his thoughts to notice, he was too concentrated on Lia. He wanted to make sure that history could not repeat itself.

@[Cheveyo] || 566 Words || 2/3 attacks
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Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#5

Cheveyo
done made the devil a deal, he made me pretty, he made me smart





The stallion's furious bellow echoed in my harks that were buried in my tangled blonde tresses as I lifted my forelimbs from the ground without much effort. He seemed to have noticed quite quickly that his first attack had been futile and I was, practically, without much injury. The twisted ankle felt as if my heart had left my chest to rest in the mass of pulled muscles and misused tendons as it continued to throb with each beat of my heart, but it was a pain I was willing to take as it would soon fade whereas a slice from the stallion's horn would have left much more permanent results.

Excitement and confusion washed through my veins as I reared above the stallion that seemed to be moving himself so he would be underneath the storm of hooves rather than moving away from them like any sane creature would. But it was too late to question anything now, too late to rethink what I had just done as my hooves made impact with his shoulder, causing a scream of pain to tear from the black and white's lungs but I didn't have time to assess the damage caused by my painted hooves before the stallion's frame was lifting into the air to meet mine. Another hoof made contact with the stallion's flesh, but by then it was too late.

A squeal of frustration escaped from my chest before I had a chance to bite it back as I felt my balance go askew thanks to the horned beast whose neck and shoulders were braced beneath my barrel. There was nowhere to go but back as the stallion continued to lift and his horn slid into my side. A scream tore through the air as my stance was completely thrown off balance, in a last ditch effort to save the delicate flower that was laced into the tangled mess of hair I pushed off with my right hoof so instead I would land full force on the left side that was already injured and flower-less.

On impact, all of the air in my lungs was expelled in one quick gust as the hard, dry ground reached up to pull my frame down with the assistance of gravity. And down I went. Hard. Hard enough that my cracked and battle worn ivories sliced through the thick salmon muscle of my tongue and soon the inside of my mouth was coated in the thick metallic blood. A sign that would normally show victory in a battle, but in my case it showed more damage that I had sustained rather than allow the ivory and violet petals to get damaged in the painted steeds crazed fury. By god's grace I managed to collect my breath quickly and I scrambled to my hooves once more, the bruises on my ribs were already beginning to form and judging by the sharp pain that came along with breathing I wouldn't be surprised if one of them had been broken...there was no time to catalog the damage done though, that would wait until I was back within the shattered glass walls of the Edge.

Pain moved through my frame as I began to move towards the stallion, slowly at first...making sure I had completely collected myself before lunging out at him. Orchid pools widening with pain as my frame stretched forwards, ribs screaming and a mixture of spit and blood flying from wide opened jaws as I reached towards the stallion hoping to sink my blood stained ivories into his flesh as easily as they had sunk into my own. He would feel the pain that travelled through my body like a wildfire, I would prove to the gods that Kwahu's death had been a cruel trick of fate and I was responsible enough to guard another life.






"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Biru]
Words;; 641 / 800
OOC;; This spar is a part of the Quest from the Moon Goddess for a companion

;____; poor Chev
Setting;; Mid-day Tallsun, hot, light breeze, clear sky.
No companions, no magic
Attacks;; 2/3
Defense;; 0/0
Stat Change for Chev;; - 2 attack for the whole spar.
Injuries;; - Twisted front left ankle when moving away from Biru's swinging horn, will make bucking difficult.
- Flipped over to land on left side as Biru reared up under her, bruised numerous ribs (possibly a few broken) causing breathing to be difficult, short but deep gash in side from the stallion's horn. Bleeding heavily from tongue caused by biting on impact with the ground. Flower is still intact as she managed to fall on the opposite side.


so I'm gonna break me a million hearts




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Biru Posts: 33
Up For Adoption atk: 3.5 | def: 7 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Hybrid :: 16.3 Hands :: 3 HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Annabelle :: Royal Cerndyr :: Dark Mist Adoptable
#6
Biru
It was as if he was in that dark room again, blindly running around in the pit, desperately trying to free himself. The ropes and traps were keeping him from moving, and he had only one-way of getting out- killing her. As soon as this delusion crossed his mind, Anna was screeching from the other side. She was bleating and rearing but to no avail, she could do absolutely nothing. Something in Biru felt like he could feel something, or that he could hear a faint voice. Yet, nothing could pull his attention away he needed to kill before he could get out. He had to prove himself worthy of seeing light for another day.

Even the clacking of hooves against shoulders was nothing to the pain he was thinking about inflicting on his opponent. As he reared up, all he could think was to push. Around him, all the spikes, all the bear traps, all the chains, they were begging for the painted mare to fall on them. He thought it would be so easy, yet, all of these extra things were not real. He was not in the dark, nor was he surround by a vast multitude of traps. But that would not keep reality from returning.

But this new feeling, oh it was quite exquisite. His horn slid delicately, the golden red twist returning bathed in the blood of his enemy. One droplet slid delicately off his horn, before sliding down his face, in its wake, leaving a darkened stain on the face of the already darkened soul. Then the poor beauty tried to slip backwards… like she thought she would escape!

He watched, with wicked laughter as she came down hard on her leg. And too add to that! It seemed the poor girl was injuring herself with her own teeth! Another cackle of thunder rumbled from his chest as he watched the poor thing, landing solidly, and perfectly on his own hooves. All he could do was stand there and watch. Annabelle tried to bleat again, tired to warn, but nothing could pull this maniac out of his visions.

The bloodied damsel then thought she could attack. Nuhuh! You can’t attack you poor girl, you might as well go home to your parents. No use ruining the only few unflawed things that remained in tact.

But alas, the feisty girl would not give up. Oh well, more pain to inflict my dear, more rights to ensure he would survive another night. However, the girl was not a complete invalid… yet. As she was reaching out, Biru slammed his hooves backwards, attempting to keep out of Cheveyo’s reach. Yet, the bloody toothed mare snapped down upon his chest, creating a blossom of pain. As her teeth slid off, he could feel an odd pulsing. He was still alive!

He could feel the blood coursing through his body. Beating at an astoundingly heavy rate when it reached his chest and shoulders- obviously because of the bruising. That would not stop the warrior though, no, he had much bigger plans for this girl. Hoping she was still in front of him, and face near his knees, Biru reared up, hoping that the force of his knees into her face would make her chop her tongue off more, or cause an incredible mouth pain. As he felt his body falling back towards the earth, he even attempted to kick out, and injure the front of the girl’s body. She could not walk out of here unscathed, oh no. If it were up to him, she would die before she would set foot out of this damned trap.

@[Cheveyo] || 604 Words || 3/3 attacks || 0/1 Defense
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Sevin the Sucky, I mean are you a # or vacuum? Posts: 161
OOC Account
Mare :: Other :: 5'5" :: 25
Sevin
#7
@[Cheveyo]- 3 week timeline ends in 4 days!

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#8

Cheveyo
done made the devil a deal, he made me pretty, he made me smart






Dust. Dust flew up everywhere, reflecting the light in an almost eerily beautiful way as my painted frame crashed to the ground hard. Maybe I would have coughed since the dust found its safe haven in my lungs and airways, maybe I would have coughed if there were any air left to expel from my body. But my collision with the dry, dusty ground had evicted any gust of air from my airways. Eventually the air returned to me and I sprung to my yellow painted hooves before giving myself a chance to realize the pain that would soon be flowing as freely as blood through my veins.

A low growl rolled from my chest as I spat the thick, crimson fluid onto the dry ground that quickly soaked it up, leaving nothing but a dark stain. Orchids looked over to the black and white paint that was hell-bent on destroying me as I decided to leap out at him in hopes that he would still be gloating over the fact that he made me fall. Victory would be mine and for a moment I thought about giggling out with glee when my cracked and worn ivories sank into his painted flesh. Finally, there was the metallic taste of foreign blood mingling with my own that he had caused. It was a gory, macabre kind of pleasure that washed over my multi-hued frame as I danced back a step or two from my target just in case he was going to retaliate right away, the last thing I needed was to suffer through this beating only to have the brute ruin any chances I had at gaining the companion that would ease the pain I felt every single fucking day.

But I hadn't moved quick enough, before I had a second to think the stallion was rearing once more his knee catching my mouth as his frame was lifted into the sky, a burst of pain flashed through my frame as my rosy kissers split and are instantly stained with the bright red of the blood that has already stained the ground I stand on. The painted bastard didn't stay in the air for very long at all before his frame came crashing back down to the dusty earth, but he wasn't done inflicting pain upon me just yet. As he was moving down a single limb lashed out and connected solidly with my chest, a gasp of pain escaped from my crimson kissers as I was forced to take a small step backwards and away from his nearly un-bloodied frame. Fury flashed in my mind as I looked at the black and white before me, only his shoulders were bloodied, but he had caused enough damage to me that if I were a lesser mare I would have turned and ran from the blood crazed creature.

A snarl tore through my body once more as chestnut harks buried themselves in the tangled blonde tresses that caressed the object of my affection for the time being. Before I could think twice my frame had sprung into action once again, flashes of pain searing through my body as each and every muscle screamed out, begging me to stop moving. Begging me to give up now and walk away while I still had a life to live. But I refused, a life without Kawhu was already a life not worth living, so what did I have to lose? My chestnut and white frame weaved in closer to the stallion, the pain in my eyes was hidden by a fierceness that only one who had lost someone near and dear to them could have, my cracked and blood stained ivories were exposed once again as I leapt forward hoping to sink the dull weapons into the stallion's throat. It would be wonderful to hear him gasp out in pain as he begged me to let him go, but I would have been content to have my attack land anywhere on his worthless body.






"blah blah blah."
Tag;; @[Biru]
Words;; 670 / 800
OOC;; This spar is a part of the Quest from the Moon Goddess for a companion

Baaah so nervewracking
Setting;; Mid-day Tallsun, hot, light breeze, clear sky.
No companions, no magic
Attacks;; 3/3
Defense;; 0/0
Stat Change for Chev;; - 2 attack for the whole spar.
Injuries;; - Twisted front left ankle when moving away from Biru's swinging horn, will make bucking difficult.
- Flipped over to land on left side as Biru reared up under her, bruised numerous ribs (possibly a few broken) causing breathing to be difficult, short but deep gash in side from the stallion's horn. Bleeding heavily from tongue caused by biting on impact with the ground. Flower is still intact as she managed to fall on the opposite side.
- Biru's knees jabbed upwards as she was pulling back, no damage was caused to the inside of her mouth but her upper lip is split. When he kicked out he managed to clip her chest which will cause bruising and will be tender for a few days.


so I'm gonna break me a million hearts




pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Biru Posts: 33
Up For Adoption atk: 3.5 | def: 7 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Hybrid :: 16.3 Hands :: 3 HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Annabelle :: Royal Cerndyr :: Dark Mist Adoptable
#9
Biru
The rising black stallion rose like a horrifying smoke. His head and chest had raised into the air, but then, the main event, his knees. They hit against her mouth as he elevated himself higher and higher. He was a king rising to his throne, and there was no stopping the path of destruction. But, in order to defeat the fledglings, you must return to their level.

He forced his body down onto the earth, and Annabelle was screaming. Her own emotions were being overridden by Biru’s pure hatred. The feeling was so foreign, but there was nothing she could do to fight it. As much as she did not want to succumb to the black emotions, she had no choice. Her screams had finally faded, and she had actually begun to pass out. Her little body could not take the emotions and stress, and so she collapsed to the ground.

Biru you idiot! How can you not see what you are doing! That is what the world seemed to be screaming at him. But his ears were deaf as his hoof struck out towards the mare that was “trying to kill him”. He would not let Lia strike him down again! The hoof connected with the chest, forcing the bloody-mouthed mare back a few steps. There! He wanted to scream. Stay away!. But he could not talk; his breathing was coming ragged and fast. Words could not fit in edgewise.

But even she had not given up the fight yet. Her frame bounced forward, reaching for his chest. That is when he realized…

His eyes would have widened to the size of dinner plates, if his head had not restricted them. This was not Lia, and they were certainly not in the sandy pit that had not so many years ago almost taken his life. The shock had rendered him near unable to move, all he could do was lift his head. Her teeth latched onto to the flesh, on the right side of his chest. They clamped down with what seemed like the force of a vice. This bruise became relevant quickly, whilst the bite was occurring. The blood vessels in this nearly unprotected muscly area split with ease. He cried out, pulling backwards until he was out of the grip of her teeth.

Then, he became acutely aware of the state of Annabelle. He could no longer hear her thoughts, but the quite breathing of her sleeping state. He shot a frightened glance toward the unknown painted woman. She was not Lia, and he was not back home.

His feet pushed off away from her, heading in the direction of Anna who was curled up nearby. He nosed the unmoving body, awaking her into a groggy state. She bleated pitifully, and returned her head to the ground with her eyes closed. What had he done! Protectively, he lowered his body down beside the fawn, curling around the soft child. This was his now, and he must never forget it. Fighting is what happened in the past, and it must not let it consume his future. Even though he had only walked away with very few injuries, it felt as if he had just been killed.

@[Cheveyo] || 538 Words || 3/3 attacks || 1/1 Defense
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Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#10
By my verdict: BIRU is the winner!

BIRU
Realism [+1]
You are very good at gauging damage and how much to take, especially with the dice, so great job! I would like to see more mention of your sustained injuries though - the only one that really came up again was his bruised chest which was only because she bit the same region. There was also a reference to “white-ish red flesh” which was a bit confusing to me since it was supposed to be a very shallow scrape, whereas that wording suggest a deep gash with a flap of exposed skin or tendon (hence the white) flapping around).

I never got a good mention of breed or scenery from you though which left a lot of things feeling flat, especially considering just how different these two were in breed. For instance, if you had mentioned how much stronger Biru is in comparison to Cheveyo when doing your rearing under her rear attack, it would have helped make it more plausible - as is I found that attack not described well enough for it to be believable to me. Horses are unbalanced when they rear yes, but they are not entirely exposed and can easily land again if they haven’t over-extended their rear, meaning with that attack all the positioning Biru needed to do, while not being pummeled by heavy, hard hooves, Cheveyo could have landed or just bore her weight down on him and made it impossible for him to rear. It was also a bit oddly worded as you said you’d topple her over by piercing your horn into her. I was sad to see you didn’t take any injuries from this stunt either (other than the ones that already came from Cheveyo’s hoof attacks), because this was a very double-edged sword kind of move.

Another attack that didn’t make a lot of sense to me was Biru rearing up to try and knock his knees into Cheveyo’s head. A bite is usually something down and then the head jerked back, as it is a precious thing to protect. Even if her head was lingering near him, it’d still be easier to move away than Biru’s knees. Furthermore, a horse’s rear is not strong in the upward motion, but on the downward, so I don’t think there was really as much power behind it as you seemed to consider. It was an interesting idea though, which I liked, it just needed more description to make it more believable. A lot of your attacks and defenses would have scored higher if you took the time to detail them more and explain why we should believe they’re realistic.

So Overall great on injuries and timing, just work on being more descriptive with your attacks/defenses, breed and surroundings!


Emotion [+1.5]
I thought you had great emotion with your companion in the first post, and you continued to mention her struggle to reach him in each post there after, but I wanted more. Why, if she was panicking more each post, did she not run out and possibly endanger him/herself? Why did he not struggle to return to himself if she was calling him?

I also liked your references to his past and Lia, but it was a very gradual reveal which left me with a lot of questions and puzzlement in the beginning, only really gaining clarity in your last post. A slow reveal helps build suspense, but I just needed a bit more background in the beginning to help me understand, because I was very confused how he went from playful Biru with his companion to a death machine not just sparring with Cheveyo, but actively trying to kill her. What was his motive for initiating the attack/what triggered him to go into his past-like state?


Prose [+3]
I felt you had really nice flow and transitions all through out. You have an easy to read style and nice phrasing.


Readability [-2.5]
Overall your posts were readable, but you frequently had spelling and/or grammar issues. For instance you start many of your sentences with “but”, which is rather frowned upon for grammar. Try using different words or re-arranging the sentence so that you don’t need that word there. Additionally you don’t provide many directional cues which makes it hard to visualize where your attacks are coming from and aiming to. You did well in your first attack post describing your left and right, but not Cheveyo’s, not if you came at her from in front, behind, the side etc.

Post 1:
“...still to young to know exactly...” (too)
“Birus dark skin immediately began...” (Biru’s)
“horn had cut or stab into the neck…” (stabbed - wrong tense)

Post 2:
“ His whole body as a whole felt …”

Post 3:
“nothing could pull his attention away he needed to kill before he” (comma after ‘away’)
“And too add to that!” (to, and a fragment sentence).
“...that remained in tact. “ (intact)


Finally tally: 43+(3*2)= 49 HP

*******************************************

CHEVEYO
Realism [+2]
You do an excellent job with describing your injuries and continuing to mention them. I also liked how many creative ways you took damage, frequently from environment or yourself! I think sometimes you get a bit carried away though, perhaps for dramatic effect (I know the feeling, trust me), such as in her first post where she twisted her leg’s tendons (speaking of which, horses don’t have ankles. I think you meant the fetlock/ergot area?), that’s actually a pretty big deal and didn’t need such high damage considering Biru rolled a 1, so at most a bruise or a tiny cut would have sufficed, all of which could have happened due to her stepping on the rotting wood as well. You also mention possibly having a broken rib, which having broken bones is never suggested unless you literally had no other option, but in this case you did since she received it from Biru’s rear under her rear, which shouldn’t have been able to break a rib just by positioning (ribs usually break from a sideways, not underneath, pressure).

Watch your opponent’s injuries though, because in your third post you say you tasted Biru’s blood from her bite attack, but he only said he received a bruise.

You do utilize the surroundings, especially in that first and second post, however I don’t see any references to their breed differences. Considering they have quite a few, this would have been really interesting and useful to bring up as descriptions and reasons why she may have taken damage or succeeded with an attack/dodge. In this case Cheveyo was outmatched in everything but endurance, so the fact she ended up bloodier is not surprising, but she shouldn’t have been tired and her stamina, her spirit, could have carried her through the fight, outlasting her opponent rather than beating them - which you did, but more in a mental way than a physical one.

Overall though you do well with realistic attacks, scenery, and injury, just be careful with how intensely you take damage and remember to bring up breed differences!


Emotion [+1]
I felt at times that some emotion was coming through, especially in her first post when she was thinking back to her past and mixing up Biru’s hoofbeats with the memory, which was really neat. However it took me a while to understand her motives for the fight, and how she felt about it. Was she frightened Biru was so aggressive? Did fighting remind her even more of her past, and if so how did that make her feel, sad, but maybe also determined? Did she learn any moves from her past that would have helped her in this fight, or reminded her of something? Does she despise fighting because of the loss of her rider? What are her thoughts on Biru’s screaming companion the whole fight?


Prose [+2]
You have a distinctive style of prose to be sure. There’s a bit too much RP lingo (kissers, tresses, never calling eyes eyes etc.) for my personal tastes, however I didn’t let that affect the score as I recognize that as your personal style, but did want to bring it up simply because if you’re tight on word count, eliminating those extra words for the more simple version can help free up words and really doesn’t detract from the writing. Similarly with using names, saying “Biru” takes up less words than the “crazy black and white”. A happy medium of both I think is good to set the mood you want, but still giving you words to write with.

I also noticed the word “as” is used often, usually as a way to transition. This isn’t a problem until I became aware of how often that word was used because I saw it so much, so then it made the writing a bit more choppy for me. Other words can be used in place of “as” depending on the context, since as can have pretty versatile use.


Readability [+1.5]
You have very good spelling and grammar, all I saw was a few instances where you started sentences with the word “but” which is frowned upon in grammar rules. Try using different words or re-arranging the sentence so that you don’t need that word there. Additionally you don’t provide many directional cues which makes it hard to visualize where your attacks are coming from and aiming to. Use things like left, right, parallel, perpendicular, head to head, head to tail etc. to help make it more clear.


Finally tally: 27+(6.5*2)= 40 HP


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