i won't be saved

despite all of my efforts, i had gotten nowhere with anything. in the past few weeks the most i've accomplished is losing an unhealthy amount of weight, and staying up late rocking myself back and forth as fear comes creeping in like an old friend, settling itself in the back of my mind. when i did catch a few hours of sleep, my dreams were haunted by a mare who wore my mother's face, a skin walker that danced through my nightmares with a wicked grin and had a silver tongue that broke me down into a million pieces. this beast told me lies, lies that i would begin to believe, creating scenarios i thought were true. i would wake up soaked in sweat, tears running down my cheeks and sometimes in the night i would bite and kick at myself, causing bruises, scrapes and bites. sameira would often bring me dead animals for me to eat, but i would push them aside and instead she would bring me moss soaked with water, or she would force me to get up by summoning fireballs to hit my quarters. my legs were weak, taking me short distances before giving way.

tonight the skin walker with the rotting flesh walks through my dreams, a cheshire grin painted upon the bay face of my dam. the face i wish i had forgotten, but cannot forget. this face, this faint memory of my dam seems to grow, spreading like shadows in the darkness, like a disease among children it plagues my mind with horrific images. i see sikeax, teetering on the edge of the heart, the fires reaching up hungrily, eager for her to drop. the stone beneath her grey hooves crumbles and her champagne body rolls down, bashing into rock, a blood curdling scream ringing out, her face marked with the impending doom. with maw gaping and eyes wide, the magma welcomes her pale bodice with pleasure, leaving no trace of her behind. i watch her face turn from horror to pain in mere seconds as she sinks into the boiling hot substance, my heart and stomach sinking at this vision.

it fades away, the skin walker's voice haunting me, a ghastly whisper that lingers all around me. "its so fun to see witches burn," she coos, eyes of amber glistening with a putrid, sickly joy as i spot seele but a few feet away, her neck impaled with a large metal nail, her legs bound to a stake, the skin where the rope wraps around her limbs is rubbed raw, blood dripping to the ground. there are tears running from her clouded yellow eyes, pain painted upon her face as blood spills from her wounds. her dark ebony body is covered in a slick, shiny liquid that pools at her hooves. the skin walker chants something in latin, the puddle beneath the necromancer sparking, instantaneously catching fire. the flames consume seele's body in a matter of seconds, spreading to every inch of her while she screams, her skin and tissue melting away, the smell of flesh reaching my nostrils. i cough and sputter, trying to run towards seele, but some invisible force prevents me from doing so, keeping me where i am. i begin to weep, the tears falling from my eyes as it all falls away, my eyes opening wide, body trembling and sweat slipping from my skin. i jump up immediately, alerting sameira who had been sleeping beside me. "what is it?" she asks, looking at me with confusion drifting from her form. sia, is all that i tell her before lunging forward into a swift gallop, hooves pounding into the earth with such force i can feel the earth sinking beneath my hooves. "too late!" sameira scoffs before curling back up in our little space we had been staying for the past few weeks, a little spot tucked away in the falls.

i flew as fast as i could, despite the fact that the moon was only just beginning to kiss the darkened sky, i needed to see sikeax now. i had to make sure she was okay, for the last time i saw her she was in horrible condition. "like how you look now?" my ears fall back at the sound of the skin walker's voice, a deep, grizzly voice that seemed almost impossible for a mare to conjure up. leave me alone, i spit, flying faster. the presence of the walker fades back, and i push myself forward, desperate to reach the throat and search for sikeax.

by the time i get there the sun is just below the horizon, awaiting its time to rise up into the sky, while the moon falls back. colours are beginning to dance along the darkened sky, stars beginning their retreat into the shadows as the orange rays of the sun sweep through. it was just barely dawn, the darkness still lingering for a few more hours in this strange time of in between. i hover over the throat, looking down with my eyes wide as i search for that familiar champagne body. "SIKEAX!!" i scream, my body rattling as i shout her name. i swoop down, closer to the ground, my amber eyes sweeping over my surroundings. it's barren, except where there is an oasis, palms rising up from the ground, flora bordering the water source. i'm still a little ways from this oasis, flying desperately, opening my lips again to call her name. "SIKEAX!" gods she better be alive, she better be safe. "but wouldn't it be a shame if she wasn't?" i lay back my ears, lip curling as i hear the familiar tinge of hatred in my head. shut up— taking in another deep breath, i let out a loud bellow. "SIKEAX!!" my body is sore and i don't think i can go on anymore, my shoulders aching and eyelids drooping. i close my eyes for a moment, descending towards the center of the oasis. i shake my head, realizing it is far too late as i go hurtling towards the waters, horrified as i plunge into the cool waters of the lake. my body is tossed around from the collision, my chest and stomach aching from impact. i push myself to the surface, my head bobbing to the top as i struggle to the shore, cursing myself for my poor swimming abilities.

i drag myself to shore, tired and hurt. a few of the scabs from my night terrors have blown off, leaving me with blood dripping from several areas, and one burn that sameira had left upon my rump burns. i shake myself, opening my wings and shaking them. shuffling forward a few feet i collapse into the shadow of a palm tree, closing my eyes as my chest heaves, lungs grasping for air as i swallowed some water while i was struggling to the surface. my throat is sore from screaming, and i feel quite like shit.

sikeax! • clumsy mara is clumsy & rambley cx

i won't be saved

her figure, bright, beautiful, certainly in better condition than when i had last seen her. something inside washes away what pain i have, replacing it with guilt. i had likely woken up half the herd screaming, thrashing and near drowning. she turns away from me, and i let out a sad little exhale, trying to summon her name again, but nothing leaves my lips. frowning, i let my head droop, my eyelids heavy as i lay upon the sand, covered up by a palm's dark shadow. my eyes close as pain shoots through my body, trying to adjust myself before i let out a grunt as my shoulders scream in pain. fuck, i flick back my ears as my body begins to tremble, cold from the water of the oasis and sore from the hours of flight.

i look up to see sia making her way towards me with her mouth stuffed full of leaves. i reach out towards her, amber eyes nearly closed. i mouth her name before she reaches me, radiant cerulean horn washing me in hued rays. she applies an assortment of flora upon my bleeding wounds, but the bruises lining my body go unnoticed. the raw flesh on my ribs from laying on stone is hidden beneath my wings, which are ruffled and wet. she hounds me with questions and words, things that seem to just end up in slurred, blended syllables that don't make any sense to me. "she looked better when there was fear dancing across her face, when she was consumed by lava," the familiar deep voice of the skin walker reaches my mind and i shake my head, wishing to rid this beast from my mind. "isn't it a shame she isn't dead yet? i was hoping she could've thrown her life away before you got here just so i could enjoy the horror on your face, the pain that would come crawling up from the shadows," I squeeze my eyes shut tight, clenching my jaw until my teeth begin to chatter and my body is shaking uncontrollably. "shut up," i hiss at the skin walker before looking towards sia, my sunken amber eyes showing true hurt, fear crawling up my spine as i lay before my best friend.

"i just... i wanted to make sure you were okay—" i fumble with my words, my voice hoarse and quiet, a lump forming in my throat. "i-i'm sorry sia... i just wanted to make sure you weren't.. weren't—" dead is the word i'm looking for, but it escapes my mind and i struggle like that for a few more moments before closing my lips, brows knit and face showing confusion and pain as i take in a sharp inhale. i gave up trying to finish that sentence, as i couldn't bring myself to say that word i was so afraid of, the word i feared, the word that seemed to control my entire life.

"there's none that are infected, as far as i know— there are a few deep ones down there though," i motion to the deep cuts on my underside from where my hooves had repeatedly struck, then leaving the rough rocky ground to rub away at the wounds, leaving me bloodied and sore when i woke up. i had even begun plucking away at my feathers, leaving some barren patches as well as biting as myself, leaving bite marks running along my legs and the length of my body. i was an absolute mess, a pile of garbage laying before this champagne girl who didn't appear to be as shitty looking as me.

"i don't know i just... the dreams... oh sia the dreams do this to me. it's her... or it, it's their fault i'm like this. all they ever do is show me things i don't want to see. they show me those i love dying in an assortment of ways, and it's awful sia. it showed me you jumping into the heart, so i had to see you to make sure you were okay, that you were still alive. i barely sleep anymore, barely eat, i barely go anywhere because i'm afraid i'll run into it walking among us. it's the worst thing sia, it's like nothing you've ever seen before. it takes the appearance of my mother, it walks in her skin... it talks to me even when i'm not sleeping, it's in my head sia, it knows me inside and out," my tears fall from my eyes midway, my breath shaky as i talk about this beast that haunts me. "oh come on now, i'm not a beast." it coos in it's raspy voice, my ears sliding back and the tears falling faster now. "it just won't stop, and there's more voices, quieter than it but they're there, chattering constantly." i close my eyes, listening as the voices grow louder, babbling with one another, some screaming out at me. somewhere in that sea of voices is my sanity, in a place where i can't reach it. "you have to help me sia. i don't want to be like this.." my words come out between gasps and sobs as i choke and stutter, vision blurry and mind fuzzy.

sikeax • notes