the Rift


[JUDGED] Heart Attack [training spar w. archi]

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#1
SHOW ME A LITTLE MUSCLE BABY


There was an ominous stillness about the air as my yellow painted hooves carried me to the meeting place I had been told to go to. I wasn't entirely sure why the Dauntless wanted to meet with me, but I was sure it was something to do with the training us warriors were being put through now. Was I to spar the great Captain? The black stallion who towered over my slight frame like a mountain alongside a meek hill? Regardless of his size, I wasn't all to worried about the idea of a spar with him.
I would surely learn quite a bit about his technique and my own. I had grown rusty with idleness with all of the going on about Aurelia and what should be done over her banishment from the Edge. I was sure that the Dauntless would have much to scold me for during our spar, it had been a while since I had sparred with anything more than a tree. Those were good target practice, they didn't move, and only hit back on the rare occasions.
I was thankful for the clear sky the gods had given us today. There was not a single cloud in the sky as far as I could see from my lowly position on the surface of the Earth's hard and dry crust. It was just dry enough that the thread of rain seemed quite far off, unless the Dauntless had some weather related magic that I was unaware of...just dry enough that the ground was hard but not dusty from a lack of precipitation, but the sun's rays were harsh as they beat down upon my golden back without a breeze to provide any relief. A sigh tore through my rosy kissers as I almost wished the sparring grounds were littered with trees that provided nice shade from the harsh rays.
Chestnut harks flickered as my ivory dipped limbs ceased their forward motion, orchid pools drifted about uneasily as I wondered which corner of the clearing the massive black stallion would appear from. Would he make his approach known? Or slip out of the shadows and begin the spar without a single word uttered between the two of them? Either way, I knew to keep my guard up and not give myself a chance to relax in case the latter did end up being the scenario I had thrown myself into.


"Speech"
Tag;; @[Archibald]
Words;;
Notes;; Set in the Edge, a clearing during the middle of the day, hot and dry. If this could be a teaching spar that would be great :3
And we are going to say this was before she was given her Quest, so she has full stats and no flower xD
3 attacks + Closing defense to whomever attacks first
No magic/Companions
[403/800] [0/3]


Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image

pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Archibald the Dauntless Posts: 386
Absent Abyss atk: 6.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Equine :: 18.3 hh :: 10 years HP: 80 | Buff: SHIELD
Loretta :: Alaskan Malamute :: Time Slip Time
#2
Head to head it's all or nothing.
Archibald had lived most of his life sparring with warriors under his command. He tested many of the abilities warriors possessed, ranging from Fence in the Mystic Woodlands, his brothers throughout Helovia, and Romani and Locket in the Windtossed Foothills. He was a decorated general, a warlord and master, and those around him needed his knowledge. He was more than willing to give it, and today he would prove that to one of his warriors--and his leaders, should they choose to watch from the edges.

Tall and intimidating, the king moved from a cluster of trees to the painted mare's north. He watched her carefully, taking in information from his experienced eyes. She was compact, smaller than him but built like a tank. Her build reminded him of two pegasi: Kri, the blonde haired ex-leader of the Dragon's Throat, one of the first to attempt to recruit his power into her army; and Ampere, a fiery, blue-painted mare he had only seen briefly in the caves during the time of darkness and sickness. Cheveyo's body resembled both of those mares, but Archibald thought her taller than them. Snorting some, the Dauntless looked down at his bondmate as she trotted next to him. "Cheveyo. You are punctual. That is needed in my warriors. This is Loretta, and she wishes to join us, but as you have no companion I will make her wait." Archibald stopped square, his toned shoulders facing the paint mare head on.

The sun beat down on the pair relentlessly, the Sun God showing his wrath in the bright, molten star. Archibald's dark fur was already absorbing the heat from the daylight, and he knew by the end of this encounter he would be dripping and foaming. He always sweat greatly during Tallsun, his entire life he has always had to watch himself from overheating. Even now, from moving just barely and standing in the heat, the dark space between Archibald's rear legs was tingling with the threat of sweat. The Dauntless flicked a fly from his ear as he watched Cheveyo, as careful and as calculating as he had always trained to be. Scars littered her body, small stories of experience that Archibald would be enlightened to. Clearing his throat, Archibald lifted his eyes off the mare and spoke again. "I have high expectations for warriors under my command. My desire is that all will carry the same standards for themselves--standards of excellence and loyalty and power. Ktulu and I require each of the warriors to keep their bodies and minds nimble and powerful with practice, through spars and patrols of the lands. I have chosen to spar with you first, Cheveyo, for I believe you have great potential. Now, do not prove me wrong."

As he finished, the Dauntless tucked his chin and his tail, muscles bunching beneath his taught skin as he prepared for her to strike. His inked ears disappeared in his thick mane as he pinned them down, and his golden eyes narrowed. Powerful, carefully tuned muscles bulged as he arched his neck, his right front hoof lifting to strike the dry ground below them, his steel shoe clicking as if a bell at the beginning of a boxing match.



[WC: 537 | PC: 0/3 | Good luck Semper, and have Cheveyo attack first!]

Teaching: n/a for first post.

Archibald


Through the ages of time
I've been known for my hate,
but I'm a dealer of simple choices;
for me it's never too late.


please tag me

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#3
SHOW ME A LITTLE MUSCLE BABY


Orchid pools snapped up as the sound of the black beast breaking through the tree line just north of myself, chestnut harks flicked to the side as I watched the hulking creature move closer to me the heavy muscles beneath his frame twitching with each movement. It was obvious that he was a war-hardened beast by the multitudes of scars that littered his ink stained frame, the canine that trotted easily alongside him was not a different story. Everything about the compact red and white screamed fierceness, even in her more relaxed state the canine was enough to make anyone pray to the gods for their lives.
I could feel their eyes boring into my painted frame as I stood there, waiting for whatever orders would soon be coming from my Captain. Unsure as to what was customary in these kinds of spars, would I be the first to try and draw blood? Or would I leave that honor to the great beast who I almost thought would manage to demolish me with one strike of his iron clad hooves. "Cheveyo. You are punctual. That is needed in my warriors. This is Loretta, and she wishes to join us, but as you have no companion I will make her wait." The beast and his canine ceased their forward movement, even with his frame still I was astonished by the amount of mass the black and white had, flickers of excitement and fear washed through my frame as I thought out the possible outcomes of the spar I had gotten myself into. My white washed skull bobbed up and down as my rosy kissers parted just enough to allow two words to fall from my vocal chords. "Archibald. Loretta."
I shifted my weight back and then forth once more, enjoying the feeling of the sun's rays beating down on my broad, painted back. After being trapped in the caves, while the wraiths were running free through our homes, I would never complain about the feeling of the sun, or of anything for that matter. "I have high expectations for warriors under my command. My desire is that all will carry the same standards for themselves--standards of excellence and loyalty and power. Ktulu and I require each of the warriors to keep their bodies and minds nimble and powerful with practice, through spars and patrols of the lands. I have chosen to spar with you first, Cheveyo, for I believe you have great potential. Now, do not prove me wrong." Harks swung forward as the massive stallion spoke, his point clear and concise. I was to be the one to make the first move on the hulking mass of muscle who stood, glistening with the promise of sweat before me. I swallowed hard, trying to force the lump that was forming in my throat as far down as possible before I could clear my throat and focus back on the task at hand.
Suddenly the sun felt very, very hot and uncomfortable against my back as I stood there for a moment or two thinking over the best possible attack on the stallion that was not only taller, but much larger than me. The only true advantage I had on this creature was that I was faster, and possibly more agile. My weight shifted once more as I leapt forwards at the stallion, cracked and worn ivories bared while my yellow painted hooves, that weren't holding onto the dry crust of the Earth with everything that I had, flailed out towards the black Captain. I prayed that the move would land and my battle worn ivories would find hold in his shoulder or chest while my hooves find their placement along his thighs. All of my power wasn't placed into the first attack as I knew I would need to save any and all strength I had if I were going to make it out of this meeting alive.
As soon as my hooves hit the ground once again I scrambled backwards, hoping to keep my neck far away from the beast that stood before me, hoping that the quick movements would work in my favor. Thanking the gods that I didn't have to face this animal in a real fight, a fight in which my life surely would be ended.



"Speech"
Tag;; @[Archibald]
Words;;
Notes;; Set in the Edge, a clearing during the middle of the day, hot and dry. If this could be a teaching spar that would be great :3
And we are going to say this was before she was given her Quest, so she has full stats and no flower xD
3 attacks + Closing defense to whomever attacks first
No magic/Companions
No injuries yet...
[720/800] [1/3][0/1]

Forgot to add in the first post, this is unlimited time :3

edited because I'm stupid and after doing my proof reading didn't add in my coding for Archi's speech and Chev's speech.


Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image

pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Archibald the Dauntless Posts: 386
Absent Abyss atk: 6.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Equine :: 18.3 hh :: 10 years HP: 80 | Buff: SHIELD
Loretta :: Alaskan Malamute :: Time Slip Time
#4
Head to head it's all or nothing.
It was nearly instantaneous after Archibald set his defenses when the mare struck. She bunched her muscles and surged forward, and Archibald drifted to his right, golden eyes scrutinizing as she bared her teeth and aimed for him. Archibald surged forward as well, his powerful hind legs propelling him forward with as much speed as they could muster. He hoped to land parallel to Cheveyo, her on his left side and him on her's. Grunting shortly, Archibald swung his neck around quickly, his ears still pinned into his neck, and he opened his jaws in an attempt to land a thrashing, stabbing bite to the mare's withers. He felt a pinch as Cheveyo's own teeth found purchase on his black hide. The bite was not too dangerous, drawing no blood, but a bruise would manifest under his dark hair and the small area just behind the point of his left elbow, on his girth area. Archibald gritted his teeth, the quick pain washing over his frame quickly before dissipating into the dry, arid atmosphere. Turning on his forehand, Archibald swung his hips far out to his right, away from Cheveyo, leaving her hooves to thrash nothing but the air particles separating them. The ground was hard and compact, easy for the Dauntless to maneuver. Archibald again surged forward, hoping to stand perpendicular, facing her barrel. In his charge the Captain brought his knees up high, hoping to push the mare over and demolish her sense of balance by crashing into her barrel and ribcage. She began moving backwards, and Archibald smirked some. She looked as if she were scrambling, frantic to get away from his hold. Perhaps the mare knew his battle style. Had she been watching the day he fought brutally for his spot as Captain? The Dauntless did not know, for he only focused on his prize, his title, that day.

As the massive black monster pushed forward, hoping to knock the mare back, he let out three lightning bites, all focused to hit on the top of her back, where a dorsal stripe may lay had she inherited a dun gene. He did not intend for any bite to draw blood, to rip skin from muscle, but merely to inflict some sort of surface level pain. Archibald needed to keep her in close contact to overpower her, to have the upper hand by his strength and size. If the warrior dancing with him now were to stray away from his grasp she could easily overtake him in her upper-handed speed. Locket had done this, the arabian stallion, dancing in and out and leaving blows upon his hide. The tactic worked, but Archibald wanted to see what this mare could do when overpowered. Would fear enter her eyes, today? She was small, so small, compared to him, and the warlord needed to use that now. He did not wish to demolish this woman, to leave her as a ruined pile of muscle and blood, for she was his warrior, and he needed her to be well and strong. But, he did need to test her. Helovia was rampant with behemoths of height, some nearly reaching the Dauntless himself, and Cheveyo needed to be able to handle them with her small stature. After all, she had no horn to stab, and no wings to reach heights far above his own, but she was not disadvantaged. He knew she was not, and this was his time to truly see so.

Already the tension that built underneath the Dauntless' skin was starting to cause sweat. His dark coat damped in crevices, his body warm under the raging sun, and the dust that his steel-clad hooves kicked up around them clung to his body relentlessly. Before the spar was over, Archibald would be painted in hues of brown over his black and grey. Dirt clung to his massively feathered hooves, dirtying their virgin appearance. There was thankfulness in the Dauntless, however, for this environment. He had fought in the muddy hillsides of the Windtossed Foothills far too many times to wish to do it again, as well as in the rain and snow. His hooves found unbreakable purchase on the hard packed earth of the World's Edge, and Archibald held it so in high esteem.

Loretta, commanded aside by her master, growled and snarled, jumping out of the way of the dancing beasts. Her heart pounded, feeling the pain of Archibald's bite, but also for the anger that surged through her. She had not been forced to stay aside since she were but a pup, helpless by Archibald's side, and this infuriated her. She was a warhammer and Archibald needed her, and she would let him know it by pushing her fury into his mind. Archibald grunted, attempting to silence her itch.




[WC: 800 | PC: 1/3 ]

Teaching:- “My weight shifted…I leapt forward towards the stallion..” :: Make sure you apply direction, here. You say forward, but not left or right. This especially comes in to play when you actually attack Archibald. You write that you are attempted to bite and kick him, and that you hope it lands on his shoulder, chest, and thighs, but not on which side of his body (also, you write “thighs” when it should just be “thigh”, she cannot attack both sides of his body at the same time without some sort of magic). This is extremely important for the judge to be able to visualize the battle and also to add realism. Even more important than the judge needing these directional clues, your opponent needs them. This leaves your opponent with determining where you’ve attacked, which is not and cannot be their responsibility. The opponent’s responsibility is to respond to your attacks, not try and put you into a box; but, when you leave out directional language, you now give them this crown.
- “…yellow painted hooves, that weren’t holding on onto the dry crust of Earth…I flailed out…” :: Which hooves? Rear or fore? You have to be very specific when writing battle posts, when it comes to direction, attacks, defenses, anatomy, etc. Again, like with directional language, you cannot leave the determination up to your opponent on how you’re attacking. It should be” “This is my exact attack, this is where I want it to land, this is what I want it to do, and this is why I did it”. When you follow that line of thought it makes it easier for your opponent and judge to interpret your attack, respond to it, and also to connect with your character. When writing spar posts, it seems trivial, but you really need to focus on how other people read your posts. In regular threads this does not matter as much, because you just write, but battling has almost a mechanic sort of structure to it, and these posts need to be able to be read simply, but also filled with eloquence. You can be eloquent when describing breed differences, the environment, or memories or historical reasons and determinations for current attacks, but try to write as simply and as solidly as possible when writing directions, attacks, defenses, and the like.
- Another thing to keep in mind is the reasoning behind Cheveyo’s attacks. Why does Cheveyo attack the way she does? It is because Archibald has weakness in those areas? Is it because that was her experience as a warhorse? Should her experience bring her more offensive of defensive tactics—after all, she had a rider once to look after! She is also written as being experienced in battle, so you should keep in mind her abilities in analyzing her opponents: what are her strengths over Archibald’s and how should she utilize them? What estimations can she make about Archibald’s battle tactics based on his appearance versus hers? Etc.
- A final note, and this is just a thing I think you should think about eliminating from your battle posts, is that you should use the word count to your advantage. What I mean by this is, instead of filling in your word count with a recollection and copy/paste of what Archibald said in my posts, use the limited amount of words towards Cheveyo. Describe her emotions well, the surroundings, hindrances and strengths, etc.! You only have 800 words, and I believe you should use all of them, if not darn near close, and you should use them only for your advantage.

+ “All of my power wasn't placed into the first attack as I knew I would need to save any and all strength I had if I were going to make it out of this meeting alive.” :: I love this statement! This is showing Cheveyo’s experience as a warrior, but I think you could expound upon it. Why does Cheveyo need to conserve her energy? Is it because she is going to use her agility advantage to dance around Archi and she does not want to tire herself out quickly? Is it because the environment is so hot? What historical moment can she recall upon to have this make more sense? Using memories and reasoning helps the judge connect to your character and empathize with them through the battle, which gives you more points in the rubric in emotion, etc.
+ Overall, I would stress to amplify specific language, emotions, the environment and her history into each of your posts.

Archibald


Through the ages of time
I've been known for my hate,
but I'm a dealer of simple choices;
for me it's never too late.


please tag me

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#5
SHOW ME A LITTLE MUSCLE BABY


I knew as soon as my teeth pinched his flesh that I was too close to the Dauntless. I hadn't moved quick enough and now the large beast was going to pummel me into a mass of blood and muscle mass beneath his large plate sized hooves, I was a goner all because I hadn't taken time to stop and think before leaping into action against the black beast. That didn't mean I wasn't going to try, once I realized my yellow painted hooves had missed their target I slammed my weight back to the earth beneath us so I could back pedal away from the Dauntless who at this proximity seemed to be as tall as two of me stacked on top of each other.
Curses flashed through my mind, but I didn't get very far for the stallion's pretty white feathers were suddenly on my side forcing my painted frame to the side rather than backwards. Panic flashed through my frame momentarily as I attempted to steel myself against the stallion's weight, which was futile. There was no point in fighting against the Dauntless' weight, it would only cause more injuries to myself rather than moving with the creature. That was a lesson I learned many years ago when the brown boy had began training me, if I fought against him it was more of a chance that I would hurt myself rather than going along with what he wanted. A snort blew through my painted nostrils when it seemed the stallion was finally done trying to knock me over, rather he was taking a different route as his skull bobbed up and down three times along my spine, each time his ivories pinched the fine layer of flesh and muscle that protected the precious column.
A squeal escaped from my vocal chords as the pain from the Dauntless' bite forced me into motion, my painted frame leaping forwards and away from the massive black stallion. Hind limbs flailed through the air where I hoped they would find a hold on the stallion's skull before hitting the ground once more. This time, I wouldn't think twice about sticking near the stallion, clearly that idea would leave me dead even on a simple training spar. White splashed limbs stretched out as I cantered away from the black stallion before turning around to face him once again, orchid pools dancing between the overly excited canine and the black creature. I wasn't quite sure which one I should be more wary about, if the red and white grew much more excitedly angry I wasn't entirely sure that her bonded's command would hold. A prayer was sent up as my gaze turned back to the Dauntless, hoping this next attack wouldn't be the end of me.



"Speech"
Tag;; @[Archibald]
Notes;; Set in the Edge, a clearing during the middle of the day, hot and dry. If this could be a teaching spar that would be great :3
And we are going to say this was before she was given her Quest, so she has full stats and no flower xD
3 attacks + Closing defense to whomever attacks first
No magic/Companions

Bruised ribs from Archibald knocking her off balance which ruined her ability to move away fast enough. Three bruises trailing down her spine from his bites.

[464/800] [2/3][0/1]

Forgot to add in the first post, this is unlimited time :3



Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image

pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Blu the Bootyful Posts: 443
Administrator atk: 99 | def: 99 | dam: 99
Mare :: Other :: 5'7" :: 25 HP: 99999 | Buff: TWERK
Blu
#6
@[Archibald] although this is an unlimited timeline, if you continue to post elsewhere this fight will default.
 HP: 1100

Helovia Hard Mode

Archibald the Dauntless Posts: 386
Absent Abyss atk: 6.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Equine :: 18.3 hh :: 10 years HP: 80 | Buff: SHIELD
Loretta :: Alaskan Malamute :: Time Slip Time
#7
Head to head it's all or nothing.
Archibald was successful in overtaking the mare. His size dominated her, covered her in his immensity, and moved her. The thud of his knees pressing her to the side was pleasing, in the most raw way a warrior can feel pleasure. Through success. His bite to her withers left nothing, but his three bites to her spine landed excellently. There was no expression on his stoney face that gave any impression of his feelings, no smirk that was a familiar sight on his lips in the most sadistic of times. No, Archibald was merely a machine in this battle. He needed to test her completely, for as a commander Archibald would not have weakness in his army. The times of peace that the World's Edge called for were only temporary, and the Dauntless knew that, and he needed strength to protect his borders or to send out to protect other borders. This mare was beginning to prove her strength to him, even as her lips peeled apart and a scream of pain shifted into the air around them.

Quickly, and without warning, the mare was moving again. Archibald's golden eyes followed her, his body turning some, his right shoulder pressed towards Cheveyo now. Lightning painted hooves struck out towards Archibald and he braced himself with his hind legs, grunting as he thrust his massive head into the air to protect his jaw and skull. Any damage to a horse's mouth could be fatal, for it would deny them food, and Archibald would never let that happen to him. In his bracing and quick upward thrusting, his front end popped up a little, his steel-clad forehooves leaving the hard packed earth for a mere second. Cheveyo's kick was a whisper of her true power, grazing against Archibald's breast. The beast's ears were still pinned into his mane and a small tremble of pain shivered down his muscles. The wound was little, a surface kiss at best, but the impact, Archibald knew, could have been a great deal worse. She was a compact mare, her muscles thick despite her lack of draft-type blood, and her hind legs had the kicking force to critically damage an enemy.

Another grunt left the Dauntless' mouth as his front legs hit the hard, dry earth again. He jumped forward into a fast canter, trying to speed after the fleeing mare. The pull of his chest muscles stung from the remnants of her kick, but Archibald continued on despite the tickle of pain. His eyes searched her, his mechanical, warrior mind trying to determine her next move. He settled on it, and he was pleased with his decision. Archibald slid to a stop, the pull of the sudden cease of movement throwing his weight backwards skillfully. His back legs bent some, holding his massive weight in a controlled manner. His front end lifted off the ground again, a low rear his new position, just as Cheveyo turned to face him once more. Dirty, feathered forehooves struck out towards the mare's splashed chest, hoping to smack her with a powerful blow to either her chest, or if she turned in a panic, her shoulder. The kingly stallion's thick neck arched some, his golden eyes focused in on her well. He seemed to be looking through her, of sorts, in this moment seeing her as only his spar partner, and not the herdmate she was, but that was not right.

End her! Display your power and dominance! You are the Dauntless! Loretta screamed, a shrill and dark scream in the back of the dark knight's mind. He snorted, gravity pulling him out of his rear. The man ignored his bitch's desires, for she knew not the difference between real battle and sparring. Pressing forward again, Archibald's thick neck uncoiled and his head shot out towards Cheveyo, attempting to land a bite on the right side of her face. The cheek would do well, a carefully placed injury as to not do too much damage in the long-run of life. Feathered hooves gave the Captain momentum again, pushing him forward, closer to Cheveyo. He knew that if he stayed closer to her her kicks would cause less damage to him, and he could continue to dominate her in the area of strength. He could feel the slick of wet foam begin to creep in the crevices of his body, with the Tallsun heat bearing down on him. His breathing was heavy, but Archibald had more to give, more to show, more to test this mare before him now.




[WC: 758 | PC: 2/3 ]

___________

Teaching:
- She ignored his bite to the withers completely. He goes parallel to bite at her withers before he goes perpendicular to push her and bite her spine. This is really frustrating for opponents and judges, and can cost you points on the rubric. If an attack misses, write out why it misses your character (as long as you stay clear of powerplay) rather than simply ignoring it. To help with this, as you are reading your opponents post, write down all of their attacks. Then, when you are writing your post, make sure you incorporate each attack, whether it hits or not, and the damage taken thereof.
- Be sure to write about your environment. How does it help your character, hinder them, etc? Environment is important, especially in situations where you are apt to take damage from the poor surroundings you are fighting in.
- Previous spar experience added to history experience
- "Panic" -- You use emotion words, but do very little description of the emotion. Part of your job as a writer is to pull in your audience. Describe how Cheveyo is feeling--and remember, emotions can cause physical outcomes as well. Body language--especially with horses--is a really big deal, and should be incorporated into your writing well.
- "feel an emptiness at going into battle without her rider on her back" -- I have not been able to see this thus far, which is a little saddening. From this perspective, I interpret that Cheveyo is a very emotional creature with a lot of sentimental weight on her shoulders. Incorporate this into your writing, especially since you have a lot of wiggle room for word usage.
- You mention Archi is larger than her, but not how she can use that to her advantage, or her disadvantages.
- She squeals in pain but that is really the only mention you give of her injuries. How do they affect her? Keep in mind Archibald's dice roll plus his damage stat.
- She tries to push back against Archi, but realizes it is a bad idea...but you never mention if she stops bracing. You have a lot more words to use, so remember to use them. Battle is a good balance of action and thought, each sparking the other, so what should this realization have sparked regarding her actions?
- "...side forcing my painted frame to the side rather than backwards" Which side? Where? Be sure to use explicit directional language!

+ "...was a lesson I learned many years ago when the brown boy had began training me, if I fought against him it was more of a chance that I would hurt myself rather than going along with what he wanted" -- Good history reference, but I think this can be expound upon. Does she have any emotions tied towards this? Is there any type of pang or the like when she remembers her allen warrior? Do not get me wrong--I am not trying to write your character for you, we just need to see more emotion!
+ Overall, I would stress to amplify specific language, emotions, the environment and her history into each of your posts.

Archibald


Through the ages of time
I've been known for my hate,
but I'm a dealer of simple choices;
for me it's never too late.


please tag me

Cheveyo Posts: 159
Hidden Account atk: 6 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Mare :: Equine :: 15.2 :: 8 :: Tallsun HP: 62.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Semper
#8
SHOW ME A LITTLE MUSCLE BABY



It felt as if fingers were wrapping themselves around my lungs, as painted hooves were thrown into the air, but I couldn't tell if it was from the excitement of feeling the impact of my hooves against the hulking beast's body or if was from the panic seeping into my bloodstream. I had never fought against someone as large as the Dauntless and it was nothing like anything I had ever experienced in my seven years of life. Battling against him was even harder than against the two legs with the feathered arrows flying by, whistling in your ear as they passed you at intense speeds. Chestnut ears slammed back against my skull in pain when my limbs hit the ground and stretched into the canter that would carry me away from any direct attacks made by the long-termed Captain, the welts along my spine from his bites were already beginning to bruise and I knew that I would have to take it easy for a few days if I managed to survive the whole spar.

Surprise and panic filled my small, compact frame when I turned only to see the stallion I had sworn I left in my dust rearing up just a pace or two ahead of me. It shocked me to see that a stallion of Archibald's size was capable of moving at that speed, it seemed the dry conditions were assisting the hulking beast more than hindering. Orchid pools widened so the whites were showing as his now tan with dust feathers swung madly as iron clad hooves sliced through the air in my direction. Quick thinking saved my chest from being lacerated by dirty metal as my frame twisted and broke into an extended canter in hopes of getting away from the sweat soaked stallion before too much damage could be done. The sharp, stinging pain of metal biting into the thick muscle that lined my hand printed shoulder told me a painful story of how my quick thinking hadn't been quite quick enough to get away from the speedy motions of the large stallion.

Clearly I was under estimating the stallion by judging him solely on his size. Archibald wasn't called the Dauntless for nothing and today would be the last day I would write him off as simply a pile of heavy muscles.

The pain in my shoulder distracted me and disabled my ability to stretch out into a full gallop as I could feel the pools of blood building up and spilling over the tear in my chestnut coat. Soon I would be mistaken for a Paso Fino, complete with a bloody shoulder and all. Rosy lips twitched as curses were muttered under my breath, only to have them cut short with a scream of pain. While I was focusing on the pain in my shoulder, Archibald had time to plot a second attack, this time centered along the curve of the right side of my jaw bone. My squeal seemed to reverberate through the still, scorching air that clung around us and I didn't have time to assess the damage done to my face before the impact induced headache decided to step in and cloud my already panic inflicted mind. I could feel the heat rolling off of the stallion's sweat soaked body as he ran alongside me, through the pain induced throbbing I couldn't quite pick out where the stallion was in comparison to my hips and shoulders, I just knew he was there.

Panic flashed through my frame once more, causing my ears to slam back against my skull and the pain in my shoulder to be ignored momentarily so I could leap forward a stride or two in preparation for my final attack on the hulk of a stallion. As soon as my painted front hooves hit the dusty, dry ground of the clearing that was now fertilized with my own crimson blood, my hind hooves left the same ground. A shiver of pain raced up and down my spinal cord as it twisted just enough that yellow painted hooves could slam out to my right side where they would hopefully find purchase on the stallion's shoulder or rib cage with enough power to hinder his final attack on my already destroyed frame.




"Speech"
Tag;; @[Archibald]
Notes;; Set in the Edge, a clearing during the middle of the day, hot and dry. If this could be a teaching spar that would be great :3
And we are going to say this was before she was given her Quest, so she has full stats and no flower xD
3 attacks + Closing defense to whomever attacks first
No magic/Companions

Bruised ribs from Archibald knocking her off balance which ruined her ability to move away fast enough. Three bruises trailing down her spine from his bites. Bleeding gash on her right shoulder from Archibald's shoed hooves and a heavily bleeding gash at the curve of her jaw, dizzy from the sudden impact to her face & has a dull throbbing headache.

[717/800] [3/3][0/1]

Forgot to add in the first post, this is unlimited time :3



Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image

pixel bt Pash, it's also a clicky to my table/tracker

please tag Cheveyo!!

Archibald the Dauntless Posts: 386
Absent Abyss atk: 6.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Equine :: 18.3 hh :: 10 years HP: 80 | Buff: SHIELD
Loretta :: Alaskan Malamute :: Time Slip Time
#9
Head to head it's all or nothing.
Slow frothing turned to heavy sweat, Archibald barely able to notice the change. The sun beat down on his back and made him feel intensely hot. His war dance with this mare coupled with the heat, and the dark knight's body was nearly soaked as their spar was coming to a close. The Dauntless' breathing was ragged and harsh, each one an effort as his lungs expanded in his wet chest, but the warlord pressed on. He had faced much harder battle conditions, and the heat would not sway him from continuing his spar with his warrior. While she was doing well to increase his opinion of her through battle, Archibald was hungry for more.

Loretta's mind was crazed as she pressed into Archibald's, throwing her thrill of battle and bloodlust towards him with all of her mental force. She danced around the battle, eyes dancing between the opponents, tail wagging furiously as she whined, barked, and nipped the air. The bitch was frustrated for being commanded to the sidelines, for she had not been forced to such a low status since her pup-hood, and the frustration had transformed into stress as she watched the spar unfold. END HER! Loretta screamed finally, a long, high pitched bark reverberating the dry atmosphere. Archibald snorted several times, his mental capacity splitting between keeping his companion out and his opponent in. His lips twitched with the annoyance of his tense bonded, and a growl left his lips, a sure sign of his frustration towards her.

The irritating nagging of Loretta has drawn away all satisfaction of his attacks hitting the mare. His steel-clad hooves slam against her shoulder as she flies into a canter, passing him on his right side. His bite also lands effectively, drawing a scream from the paint. Her blood painted the tips of his dirt-marred feathers from ripping the skin on her shoulder, and the irony smell fills his nostrils and brings him back around to focus on the battle. The scent of blood mixes with the hot air, smelling deeply of the sweat from battle. Blood is something that is too familiar to the behemoth. His past was filled with bloodshed, both his own and others. The beast's life was a constant battle, his war torn frame a testament to that, as well as his eyes that narrowed to focus now on this scent of blood. The Dauntless was no longer the stallion his mother had raised him to be, however, and the desire to feel Cheveyo's life slip away beneath his massive hooves did not manifest in his heart or mind. He was, however, able to put a wall between his mechanic mind and Loretta's emotional assaults.

Archibald grunted again, turning his head some as Cheveyo moved her body to be parallel with him. His eyes flick over her body, the body he had run ragged in this evaluation spar,dancing over her hips to see where her back legs were going. Cheveyo was like Archibald on a smaller scale, her thick hips and muscled behind able to dispense crushing blows, ready and completely able to break bone and leech away life. Thankfully, the mare's response to his kick was panic-induced. Archibald stopped his forward movement, planting his front hooves on the hard earth--sliding some from his massive weight--before swinging his hips towards Cheveyo. His body groaned in protest, trained muscles pulling over the bruising on his girth and breast, reminding him of the whisper's of Cheveyo's true damaging ability. The expense of his body today and the wounds from his opponent would stick with him well, tightening up his muscles and joints some.

He intended to take her attack in the thickness of his body, where his muscles were hard and could absorb the shock well--but he also aimed to match her kick with one of his own. Tucking his head towards his chest, Archibald shot out a canon-fire kick with his right hind leg, and simultaneously Cheveyo's painted hoof slammed against his right-side thigh, near the end of his leg. A sharp breath of pain came in through Archibald's nostrils, and he kept his pale lips sealed tight to keep another grunt at bay. His own kick was an attempt to strike her around the same area, his leg extending straight towards her thigh, though with her own kick distributed his way and stretching out her leg, he knew there would be a chance of it hitting her stifle. In this moment, Archibald would be pleased with wherever his assault landed, as long as it made a lasting impression on the orchid-eyed mare.



[WC: 768 | PC: 3/3 | @[Cheveyo] -- No need to tag me in your closing defense, I'll see it ;) ]

Teaching:
- Cheveyo, as a defense, goes into a fast canter. This places Archibald's kick on her shoulder, which is very realistic and well done. However, his second attack, the bite to her face, probably should not have landed there, if at all. The canter, realistically, would drive Cheveyo away from Archibald, and his second attack comes while he is moving forward, but with her cantering that would land his bite somewhere else on her body, or he would simply miss his bite. For this bite to land on her face, Archibald would have had to block her canter away, and that was not written in, so this does not make sense to me. What I stress with this is to watch your characters reactions to the other's attacks. Sometimes timelines are confusing because of the way the posting is set up, and a lot of times (I am not saying you do this, but I know I have/do and so I thought it'd be a good thing to point out) this confusion turns the timeline into: post one character doesn everything, then post two other character does their thing, and so on, instead of them running like you were reading a novel, all at once as one large post (which is how it should be). This is hard in writing, especially battles, because you do end up backtracking some to react to your opponent's attack, you just have to be careful about it so you don't have to backtrack too much.

- You say that Archibald runs alongside Cheveyo, but that is not what I wrote. I wrote Archi trying to move forward into her, pretty much, in an attempt to stay close to her, while you write as Chev going into a canter for defense, which when they are facing opposite directions, would send her away unless she turned. Be careful to be very specific of your character's as well as your opponent's positions. A good thing to do, and which I do during battles, is open photoshop and make a little "comic" sequence of the movements. You can do this simply by making little "sperm horses" (lol) with a round point for the head and a line for the body. Neo (I think it was Neo) did this during the Qian invasion and I have done it in every spar I have ever done since.

+ I have seen a lot of improvement just from this spar! You have done well to incorporate my teaching points into your posts and I think you have made each a little less rushed each time. I am so happy to have had the opportunity to spar with you and give you some teaching pointers. I hope this helped, and I encourage you to look back on these points during over spars, or make yourself a checklist of things that you know have specifically helped you to use as a reference for other battles. Good luck with your future sparring, and thanks for taking on my beast!

Archibald


Through the ages of time
I've been known for my hate,
but I'm a dealer of simple choices;
for me it's never too late.


please tag me

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#10
Cheveyo has been AA'd defaulting this spar. Archibald recieves .5 VP.

Time has requested partial judging. Stats will not be updated until judging occurs.

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#11
By my verdict: ARCHIBALD is the winner!

Cheveyo
Realism [2]

> Your first attack reads very awkwardly. It seemed like Chev lunged at Archi in the air, simultaneously trying to bite his shoulder and ... hit his thigh with her front hooves? Since his thighs are the muscles on the back of the leg, I assume you mean she was targeting his hindquarter/hip joint area. But given how much larger Archi is this is a really big move for her. If she stands with her nose at his shoulders I don't think her hooves are going to reach his hip, much less be able to have the height to strike him.
> Archi's first attack rolled 11.5pts of damage. That's a 1/6 of her TOTAL health that is suddenly gone. You had three places to take damage from: his initial bite (which wasn't mentioned), him half-rearing and trying to shove her over, or the three bites to her spine. Time indicated that the three bites were supposed to be superficial, so I'm glad you didn't take too much damage from that, but I wanted to see Chev responding more realistically to Archi's shove. He's a BIG boy, especially compared to her. She wouldn't be able to brace against him for long but I didn't see her struggle enough, or take enough damage given how much Archi rolled.
> Surprise and panic filled my small, compact frame when I turned only to see the stallion I had sworn I left in my dust rearing up just a pace or two ahead of me. It shocked me to see that a stallion of Archibald's size was capable of moving at that speed, it seemed the dry conditions were assisting the hulking beast more than hindering I'm not sure if you're intentionally trying to call attention to Archi's post or not, but I thought I'd address it. One concern with writing too far after your attacks is that it leaves lots of room for your opponent to do things. In your last post you wrote that Chev bucks at Archi, canters forward (you don't say how far), and then turns around. Given that all Archi did was lean back, take her kick, and charge after her (and given that his strides ARE much longer) it isn't so surprising he could be behind her. Again, not sure if this was you as a writer acting surprised, or just Chev :)
> In your final attack you take Archi's bite to the face. This was very odd. Archi's attack was to kick at her chest and then shove his way forward stretching out his neck to bite her. Given that Chev ran away realistically she completely evaded that attack (or if anything would have taken it on her rump). If you needed a way to take the damage you rolled, you could have had Chev trip over something, given how much her shoulder hurt, and twist her leg in order to receive the amount of damage rolled. It doesn't always have to come from your partner!


Emotion [1]
> I really missed out on Chev's emotion throughout most of this spar. I would be horrified to spar Archi, and while some of your earlier posts covered this, I didn't feel it transfer through. When he bites her and knocks into her, where does her mind go? Does she worry she's disappointing him? Does she think he would really kill her? etc. All of these you can draw inspiration from.
> You mention that Chev panic's a lot. Why is she panicking? She's fought before with the humans, so it isn't like this is her first rodeo. Sure Archi is bigger but isn't she going to assume that he'll go a little easy on her given that this is only a spar and not a full on fight?
> In your final post you have Chev run away from Archi, taking his hoof-flailing kicks to her shoulder. This was really great, but I would have wanted to have her be proud of herself there! She had literally used the one skill she knew was in her advantage and it had worked (she did get kicked, but not as seriously as she might have), but there was no follow up.


Prose [2]

> There were quite a few grammatical errors in your posts. Take the time to re-read things before posting! Sentences with missing commas or just run-on sentences made me pause and have to re-read almost the whole paragraph which really broke up your posts! For instance this was quite awkward to read: My weight shifted once more as I leapt forwards at the stallion, cracked and worn ivories bared while my yellow painted hooves, that weren't holding onto the dry crust of the Earth with everything that I had, flailed out towards the black Captain. How are her hooves holding onto the earth? She doesn't have claws that are digging into the ground, she has flat hooves. The sentence structure was also awkward.
> Make sure you're taking advantage of the word count. There were lots of opportunities to write more, and given that this spar was an unlimited timeline you certainly had time to do it! Sometimes it can be hard sitting down and writing a post that is supposed to touch on as many elements as spar posts do, but it does get easier!


Readability [0]

> Make sure you're indicating what directions you're attacking! While you can't PP, you definitely want to paint an absurdly clear picture of what it is your character is doing.
> Also be sure you're responding to all attacks. If your opponent misses, or if you dodge away ensure that you're giving some amount of words in response. If you don't, as a judge I have a hard time deciding whether or not you simply avoided an attack, or forgot about it.
> You took damage that I don't think you should have, and you ignored an attack which was distracting as a judge. As general advice (not implying that Time did this), don't let your opponent OOC bully you into responding a certain way. When I spar and unrealistic attacks are made, I respond to them but don't take damage from them because it brings my writing down.

Finally tally: 34.5 + (5*2) = 44.5HP

*******************************************

Archibald
Realism [4]

> In Archi's first post, you write the following sequence of events: Archi tries to bite Chev, Chev bites archi, Archi pivots away from Chev's hooves. However in Semper's post she clearly writes that Chev lunges at Archi trying to bite him and kick him with her hooves. If that's the case then by the time he feels her bite, her hooves have already tried to make their attack. He wouldn't have time to swing away AFTER he had already taken the bite. It might have worked if he had been pivoting the entire time. But then you go onto say that Archi tries to place himself perpendicular to her, and yet Semper wrote that Chev immediately backs up. Timeline wise her scramble backwards should have occurred at the same time he pivots, meaning that when he lungs forward they are more facing each other than they are perpendicular.
> This isn't a problem with realism, just something to think about. Archi writes, The wound was little, a surface kiss at best, but the impact, Archibald knew, could have been a great deal worse. She was a compact mare, her muscles thick despite her lack of draft-type blood, and her hind legs had the kicking force to critically damage an enemy. I actually thought about that for a moment and was surprised Archi took it in this direction. Given that Chev's attack was a 6.5 and the most damage she can do is only 9.5, I think it's actually wrong for Archi to put so much stake in her, or at least, if he knew all of the details and whatnot. There are no points off for this, but I did want to mention it. I think it would have been cool if instead Archi had been surprised. Like, she had a perfect setup and THIS was the best she could do? Your character's obviously can't know exact stats, but they can have an idea of the general vicinity they fall into. Given Archi's experience he should be able to know that in fact Chev is attacking at 66% - there isn't a ton more power there.
> The pull of his chest muscles stung from the remnants of her kick, but Archibald continued on despite the tickle of pain. Nice.
> Dangit. I would have liked to see Archi take the critical miss.

Emotion [1.5]
> Helovia was rampant with behemoths of height, some nearly reaching the Dauntless himself, and Cheveyo needed to be able to handle them with her small stature. After all, she had no horn to stab, and no wings to reach heights far above his own, but she was not disadvantaged. He knew she was not, and this was his time to truly see so. awwhhh.

> Archi responding to Loretta was SUPERB during this spar. I thought it added a really interesting element and dynamic. Even so, Archi isn't the most overtly emotional character.

Prose [3]
> This read very declarative to me, She looked as if she were scrambling, frantic to get away from his hold. Since it was Archi's first attack and Semper hadn't taken damage from him yet, to even suggest that Archi's bite or knee-strike had hit is pushing it. I think you might just be using the language figuratively, but make sure you watch that!
> A few spelling/grammar mistakes, but nothing serious.

Readability [2]
> What are lightning bites? As the massive black monster pushed forward, hoping to knock the mare back, he let out three lightning bites.. Do you mean lightning fast ?

Finally tally: 54.5 + (10.5*2) = 75.5 HP


Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture