the Rift


[JUDGED] Pure blood [Kaj]

Ulrik the Engineer Posts: 235
Deceased atk: 5.5 | def: 9.0 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.1 hh :: 11 HP: 69.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Kirchoff :: Common Hellhound :: Superspeed Tamme
#5


Well this was an enigmatic little sucker, huh? This one word response answered absolutely nothing, and since Ulrik was unaware of his name, he decided to call this stallion in his head by the noble name of “Goldie”. Ironically, Goldie was built a little like his cousin, Torleik, but with massive wings. Both of them had a thicker, muscular build, and since Ulrik had defeated Torleik once before, his confidence was poorly set in the wrong category of ‘easy’. How many times would he have to learn this lesson before he understood humility? Kirchoff would argue never.

Ulrik was conveniently forgetting the fact that he had emerged from the battle with his cousin bleeding and limping, and Torleik had not held the expression Goldie had now. Honestly, everyone here was socially, sexually, and morally repressed. If Goldie had a decent outlet to frequently purge his rage, he would not be making such venomous scowls in the direction of a complete stranger. Of course as they came at each other, the expression became all the more real and Ulrik felt amusement at the anger that was turned on him for little reason.

As Goldie shifts right, forelegs coming up into the air, Ulrik adjusts, opening his jaws to use his teeth instead of risking a skull-crushing blow with those ginormous clod hoppers. Still, the impact on his teeth was surprising, and Ulrik quickly clenched his jaws together to stabilize the ivories as they burned in their boney caverns. A simple tilt of his head and his horn barely grazed along Goldie’s foreleg, compounding with the scream echoing from his opponent’s lips. Did it really hurt that much?

Armor on his opponent’s neck made of glass (how was this effective, he wondered), chinked and clanked as he made his way back to the ground, and Ulrik was distracted by staring to realize one gigantic, abomination of a wing was swiftly moving to push him away. To get dismissed by one of those beastly appendages was nothing short of rude. Ulrik is roughly pushed away by the feathers, and his long legs gather under himself, jumping in the sand and spraying the grains as he glares at the pegasus.

The stallion’s hindered neck gave Ulrik just enough time to move, but he moved in the wrong direction. Instead of backing away quickly enough to send Goldie slamming to the ground from his own weight, the Engineer moved forward. The teeth of this psychopathic bastard slammed into his side, just where the ribs met his spine on the left. Ulrik growled in pain, shuffling away as quickly as he could to get out from under the attack. He could feel blood seep from the open wound, warm against the cool evening air.

Why was it that everyone managed to go completely mental around him? HE was the crazy one! Thoughts ventured back to Archibald and his bloodthirsty bitch, and Kirchoff caught on, growling from where he had been observing and judging. Ulrik was right. For some reason, the Engineer had this curse where in every battle, those he fought let out all of their repressed rage, and he supposed Ulrik had a point when he refused to let social niceties and polite habits rule his social life.

From the looks of this battle, Ulrik was the healthy one.

Swiftly recovering from the bite but still feeling the ache of the ever tearing skin, Ulrik jumped back into the battle, throwing his body left, head low until the last moment when he hoped to be within fighting range again. The Engineer slammed his head up forcefully, hoping that Goldie would open his wing in defense so that Ulrik could stab somewhere between soft flesh and massive feathers. He assumed that defeathering a pegasus would be about as painful as tearing them off of any bird. Hopefully he would return the pain he was currently suffering with every stretch of his back. Backs moved more than you realized until you hurt them.

Trying to keep Goldie close, Kirchoff decided to get involved. The wolf-like hellhound jumped forward, seemingly disappearing, as his speed was too great for normal eyes to follow. He left a trail of silver in his wake, appearing on what he aimed was the opposite side of Goldie. Kirchoff snapped at his fetlocks, trying to keep the stallion’s lower legs occupied in order to protect Ulrik’s head as he daringly ducked low.


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[2/3] [738 words in Word]
Summary: Ulrik got his teeth knocked from biting Kaj and took a laceration to his left side just at the top of the rib and to the side of the vertebrae. He aims to stab his horns up in Kaj's feathers or wing while Kirchoff tries to keep his legs occupied by biting at them.

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Teaching Spar Notes:
1. Okay, the first thing that gets me right away is how much damage you took vs. the roll. Ulrik rolled a 1 in damage, which is the lowest possible damage he could deal out. Instead of having him barely take hair off, you had him take a big bruise his leg which can be a big deal. Make yourself a chart and rank in damage from 1 to 6 with 6 being the most damage ever. For example, Kaj rolled a 6 against Ulrik, so I had the aim move to his back, which is a very sensitive and delicate area, open a wound, and cause bleeding. At the same time, I had Ulrik take some teeth damage from biting Kaj. All of that or more could warrant a 6. A bruised leg, which is still serious, to me, is about a 3 ish. A one is barely anything.

2. Your grammar is awesome, but I would work on being extremely clear and concise in battles. Battle posts are not the ones where you need to be using intense prose or replacing words. Think of battles sort of like scientific writing. Go in order of sequence without skipping around too much. Use very plain words for body parts - like upper leg, canon bone, rib, etc. Using replacement words can get confusing for judges and your opponent.

3. The emotion I am feeling in your posts is what I think is your strongest suit. Kaj is really releasing his past through the battles, which is great. Maybe explain a little more what those battles entailed and how they made him feel? If you work on making your attacks and defenses more concise, you can work a little more on the history and really bring your reader and the judge into Kaj's head.

4. Readability I would rank fairly high right now, but I would be docking points for long sentences. The longer your sentence, the easier it is to get confused. Only use long sentences if you are 100% on with your punctuation.

5. Otherwise, I think that this is really solid. The damage you are taking would be my biggest point of contention. Please feel free to ask any questions in your next post about what you are doing/fixing/trying etc! And think of Kevin from the Office: "why use lot word when few word do trick". Try keeping it down (I struggle with this too).



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Messages In This Thread
Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-01-2014, 02:37 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 10-01-2014, 10:12 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-02-2014, 12:19 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 10-05-2014, 03:29 AM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-06-2014, 01:09 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 10-10-2014, 12:03 AM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-21-2014, 02:08 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 11-02-2014, 02:25 AM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 11-04-2014, 01:51 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Official - 11-20-2014, 12:15 AM

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