the Rift


[JUDGED] Pure blood [Kaj]

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#10
By my verdict: ULRIK is the winner!

ULRIK
Realism [+4]
:: I’m waiting to see how it plays out, as I think this could be a very lasting injury in battle, but I think you could have taken slightly more damage in your second post in response to a dice roll of 6.
:: Good job keeping your terrain in mind at all times, and how it affected Ulrik.
:: I really enjoyed Ulrik’s change of strategy half-way through the fight as he realized his original plan wasn’t actually that great.


Emotion [+2]
:: Good job with the relationship between Ulrik and Kirchoff in the first post, it gave nice balance to Ulrik’s contemplations on Kaj and the Edge.
:: Everything about Ulrik is calculating and distant, which comes through really well when you write him.


Prose [+4]
:: Ulrik tried to decrease the distance between then, lowering his thickly corded neck and snapping his jaws. Them
:: It seemed superfluous in your closing defense to go back and reiterate your attack that had already been defined in post 3, but since this is the defense I can’t remove any points for it.


Readability [+3]
:: No comments or concerns

Finally tally: 46 + (13*2) = 72HP

*******************************************

KAJ
Realism [+3]
:: It was great that Kaj was going back and remembering old fights while considering how they differed from this one with a unicorn.
:: I think the amount of pain described from a dice roll of 1 was a little too high in your first post.
:: In your post 2, I think you inserted more time into the battle than Ulrik had intended between backing up and re-entering, since you gave Kaj enough time to do a seemingly rather large circle.
:: Great addition of recognizing the terrain in your final post.
:: I think you were taking damage well in your final two posts, but I wish there was more description beyond just ‘bite’ for the two that Krichoff gave. The description of the feathers I found to be much more satisfying.


Emotion [+1.5]
:: I definitely got the sense that you were trying to put emotion into Kaj in your first post, but it all felt sort of disjointed, and some of it was confusing. Especially this quote: “Kaj can’t hurt his family; those holders of faked smiles and sickly sweet words.” It seems confusingly unlike Kaj to think that way about his herd.
:: Noting it here too, since it continued so nicely into the next post, great job with Kaj comparing past to present and his past battles.
:: Likewise, great job with Kaj’s anger at his critical miss affecting his reactions for the remainder of the spar.


Prose [+2.5]
:: In your first post, the writing was clear and easy to follow, but it felt just a little… disorganized, maybe? There was just a feeling about the writing that maybe you weren’t entirely comfortable while you were writing the post that is difficult to put into words but that came through in the writing.
:: After reading your other two posts, I think there were a lot of fragmented sentences, which was giving your writing the disjointed sort of feel that I recognized early on.


Readability [+1.5]
:: Through post 1 and 2, I’ve found your attacks to be somewhat confusing and requiring several read-throughs.

Finally tally: 35.5 + (8.5*2) = 52.5HP


Messages In This Thread
Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-01-2014, 02:37 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 10-01-2014, 10:12 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-02-2014, 12:19 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 10-05-2014, 03:29 AM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-06-2014, 01:09 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 10-10-2014, 12:03 AM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 10-21-2014, 02:08 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Kaj - 11-02-2014, 02:25 AM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Ulrik - 11-04-2014, 01:51 PM
RE: Pure blood [Kaj] - by Official - 11-20-2014, 12:15 AM

Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture