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Excitement washed through my multi-hued frame while yellow painted hooves carried me quickly to the meeting place that had been sent out for the Championship fights. My track record as of yet hadn't been the best, one loss and a draw, but I was still alive and had all of my limbs so I would continue to try. Today was a different experience though, completely different, unlike my last spar against the black and white paint I didn't look like my normal self, my normally tangled blonde tresses had been smoothed out and braided with flowers and other pretty things while a string of flowers hung around my neck. My tail had also been braided up with flowers of such soft, delicate hues, I still wasn't quite sure where the members of the Edge had found them as they were prettier than any flower I had ever seen. Regardless, I thought the heavily braided tail could possibly be used as a club of some sort in order to knock the opponent out. It was an amusing thought that brought forth an oddly girly giggle from my rosy kissers as I finally reached the clearing and my orchid pools settled on the pale creature that I assumed to be my opponent for the day. A shiver of excitement passed through my frame once more, this time though it wasn't over the idea of how odd and pretty I must look with my hair all done up like some kind of Princess. Rather it was at the thought of ruining the other broad's costume. Bloodying it up a bit might assist the pale damsel in drawing some attention to herself. Sun kissed ears slammed back to my skull as my white splashed limbs stretched out, pulling out of the easy trot that had carried me here and moving forward into a gallop, quickly assessing the shorter mare as I drew closer and closer to her. She was shorter which meant she would be likely to move much quicker than I was able to. I couldn't move as fast, but I could move for longer, a blessing given to me by the mustang blood that flowed through blue veins. There were also wings sprouting from her shoulder blades where painted hand prints sat on mine. My best bet would be to ground the pale bird before she had a chance to get in the air and have a better shot at hitting my head and spine. Lowering my skull I circled the pale mare before turning sharply at her left side where I leapt forward hoping that I would be able to latch my cracked and battle worn teeth into the joint of her wing. Forelimbs struck out, using the momentum from my gallop to hopefully add force to wherever they would land on her body before hitting the grass. I wasn't going to let this bird get away easily. Speech Tag:: @[Parelia] Words:: 487 . 800 Notes:: She is dressed as Rapunzel from Tangled! She has her mane and tail braided with flowers and a daisy chain around her neck. Attacks:: 1.2 Defense:: 0.1 Injuries:: None yet! |
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[JUDGED] [Grave Champ: Parelia] Where Have All the Good Men Gone?
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[JUDGED] [Grave Champ: Parelia] Where Have All the Good Men Gone?
the Rift
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[JUDGED] [Grave Champ: Parelia] Where Have All the Good Men Gone?
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10-12-2014, 11:15 PM
![[Image: 54a664c1065ed]](http://images.helovia.net/index.php/photo/action/view_image/photo_link/54a664c1065ed) ![[Image: 542f83afbdf08]](http://images.helovia.net/index.php/view/542f83afbdf08) Please tag Parelia! Attack at anytime
10-13-2014, 08:08 PM
10-16-2014, 03:44 AM
Please tag Parelia! Attack at anytime
10-16-2014, 08:05 AM
10-18-2014, 08:40 PM
By my verdict: CHEVEYO is the winner!
CHEVEYO Realism [+2] You start out very strong, mentioning some breed differences (don’t forget surroundings!), your costume, and attacking in a realistic way. Your second post however had no breed or surroundings, and through your defenses all make sense. Unfortunately the way you worded one of your defenses made it powerplay. “...bird's side causing her teeth to click together rather than pierce through my hand-printed flesh.” You say that the reason Parelia’s bite missed you is because your kick caused her teeth to snap shut, but that is not your right to say. Parelia wrote that attack wholly intending for it to hit, never saying that she might miss because of Cheveyo’s attack. Trying to figure out a miss can be hard, but you need to do it with the things you can control, which is your character and to some degree the environment (i.e. slipping and thus falling out of harm’s way). In your final post you do well taking all of her attacks, except one. You didn’t make any mention of Parelia’s buck/kick attack that she ended with. If you meant to imply that it missed, that’s fine, but it needs to clearly say that the attack missed. Additionally, although you took a bit of damage from each attack, which is an option for spreading out your injuries, there was still not enough injury given that the damage rolled was a critical hit. I would have liked to see more than just some bruises and a little scratch because of that, particularly given the falcon’s talons which you describe as grabbing you, but you play it off very lightly - a bird like that could really do some damage, especially if you aren’t actively evading it. Overall great attacks and defenses, just watch your damage amount and wording so as to avoid powerplay. I’d love to see more breed and surroundings references, and a bit more of the costumes incorporated :D Emotion [+1] I felt some sparks of emotion in the first post as Cheveyo was thinking about why she was fighting and who she was fighting, but I felt it was still very minor and trickled away by your second post. I’d love to see more of what Cheveyo is feeling and thinking and how it affects her decisions in a fight! Prose [+3.5] You have beautiful writing that flows very nicely and a distinct style. Readability [+2] Your posts were very easy to read and understand and you hardly had any issues. There was one long sentence in your first post, and I also found myself wanting a little more clarification on Cheveyo’s position relative to Parelia’s when you came in for your first attack. Were you parallel to her, or perpendicular? Were you head to head with her, or tail to tail? Sometimes I can infer it within context, but you just say you circled around Parelia, not if you came around her head or her rear - even then being as clear as possible is always best. Otherwise you did great mentioning your lefts and rights throughout. Finally tally: 49.5+(8.5*2)= 66.5 HP *******************************************
PARELIA Realism [-3] I liked your costume idea and loved the description you provided it, however your first thought was to use the arrows as an attack (which you do in your second post), which unfortunately goes against the idea of the costumes. The using of actual arrows to help you attack someone is along the same lines as the example given in the tournament post about a suit of armor costume not being able to protect you. Think of these costumes more as what you would be going out and getting, so probably cheap plastic or rubber arrows! Although costumes can help you to some degree, it’s more for distraction or small injures, not stabbing or gashing. If that was unclear I do apologize, but if you’re ever unsure feel free to ask ahead of time and we can let you know :) That being said I liked how you incorporated your costume, although I wish you would have mentioned the cape a bit more, such as did it get in the way at all during the fight, especially your flight? Similarly I was looking for more surroundings and breed references from you. In your first post you mention their height, but I would have loved more use of their different stats and builds to explain why some attacks are better, why some don’t work… I thought you had some creative defenses in your first post, such as your beads shielding her bite! I liked that you got off balance from Cheveyo’s kick, but given that the damage rolled was a 5, I needed to see you sustain more injuries. You can get the injuries from Cheveyo’s attack, or from yourself/environment, such as tripping or running into something (the ideas are endless!), but just sort of going off balance is more equivalent to a 1 damage roll than a 5. Your attack portion of your first post was also creative, but to help make it more realistic I need more description. Some of the aerial activities you do would be difficult for a bird, much less a pegasus which is a lot larger and heavier. Things like hovering no bird except the tiny hummingbird can do, although I think by context you meant more that you were gliding than hovering? However you also got in the air very fast, had tight turns, and stayed airborne even after attacking Cheveyo so low to the ground, all of which you wrote with relative ease. Given Parelia’s speed and strength are only average and the generally difficulty of those moves even for birds, I’m not sure all of those could have been pulled off, but definitely I would have liked to see Parelia struggle more to do them. Sometimes you can convince me something is realistic through writing that is, explaining in great detail why it is realistic. Parelia jumping into the air in 5 feet by itself makes me think that’s too soon, but if you explain there was a sudden, warm air thermal, or she has trained for short distance flights, or her agility is enough to grant her that etc. maybe I could be persuaded to agree it is realistic, see what I mean? Within your second post you went the opposite way with damage and took too many injuries given that only a 1 damage was rolled. So taking Cheveyo’s kick to your hip was fine, but having it bleed was too much damage, and not the most realistic kind - hooves are blunt so usually bruise or cause tissues damage more than skin removal and bloody wounds. In regards to Cheveyo’s magic, it gets a bit tricky. Because the damage was low, your ability to continue to fly and attack with her magic going on made sense, but, I needed a more realistic explanation for that, because as it was you seemed to make it sound like it was very easy to fly with oxygen deprivation effects. Maybe comment that you flew far away from the ball of fire, helping null the effects, or maybe fly up high then dive down fast, so that momentum carries you, oxygen deprived or not. In those ways your response to the magic is still showing the magic is an effect and is powerful, but given the damage roll, you are able to persist even with it. As for your attacks in your second post, I really loved your use of your companion. I already talked about the using of the arrows, and then finishing with the bite and the buck are all realistic. However all of those together, are a bit too many attacks at once. I think just doing the companion attacks and ending with a bite or a kick would have been more believable and given you more words to focus on those attacks so you could detail them more, rather than throwing so many short, abrupt attacks out. Generally I find 1-3 attacks is a good amount in a post. It’s usually more realistic and gives my opponent enough to respond to without being bombarded. Overall Parelia, you have a good foundation for fighting, since a lot of your attacks and defenses, particularly the timing and flow of them, all were good. However to make them more realistic consider adding in more description to really make them come to live and show why they should work, rather than just saying they do. Watch some videos of horses fighting, birds fighting, and birds flying to get a better grasp on the physics of everything to again being in better realism. Emotion [+1] I felt some sparks of emotion in the first post as Parelia was thinking about why she was fighting and how determined she was, even mentioning some past fights, but I felt it was still very minor and trickled away by your second post. I’d love to see more of what Parelia is feeling and thinking and how it affects her decisions in a fight! Prose [0] I think you have some good potential for nice prose, but in this fight I found your transitions a bit sparse which made your posts choppy. I would have also liked a bit more attention to detail in describing things to help give me more imagery and feeling to what you wrote. Readability [-3] Although bits of your posts were readable, I struggled a lot with deciphering portions of them. Because both opponents are mares, the constant use of mare, she, her etc. makes it difficult to tell which she is being referred to. Using names costs you just as many words from your word count, but makes it much easier to understand. Besides that, you had a lot of sentence errors, which I've detailed below, and just in some cases your sentences were a bit choppy and could have used some commas. I highly suggested you read through your posts before posting them to proofread and make edits as needed. It also helps to read your posts allowed to check if the flow and wording all fits right. POST 1 “...winged dove watch as her…” (watched) “... lunging as the mare did aiming alabaster teeth for the hands prints.” (and aiming or comma, aiming. Hand prints). “The mare's teeth, if she hit right where the appendages connected to the flesh and three inches above that, she would find solid glass and turquoise stones.” (awkward phrasing. I’m also uncertain if you’re saying Cheveyo’s attack failed her because of the beads. Starting it off with “if” makes this confusing about what exactly is happening with Cheveyo’s attack - you are the one who decides if it landed or not.) “clamp her teeth on the skin around, wings should have been.” (confusing wording) “If teeth had caught flesh, blood would be running under her ripped silver cloak.” (again this is confusing with the way you use “if”. Is Parelia bleeding? Are you saying she was bit, but not so bad as to bleed? “She hopped to hear screams...” (hoped) “...wing dipped to towards the ground...” (remove either to or towards) POST 2 “...breaking it in have …” (half) “... fishing the the quiver for…” (in the?) “...momentum his swift body has picked…” (had - has is present tense and all your words had been past tense) “... want to mam the mare…” (maim) “...and can't breath …” (breathe) “...the sky watching waiting …” (use comma or and between watching waiting) Finally tally: 51+(-5*2)= 41 HP | ||||||||||||||||||||||
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