the Rift


[JUDGED] Heroes and Cons [xRoland]

Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#1
You're to mean, I don't like you, Fuck you anyway.


My body tears into the ground, long legs reaching, stretching for the extra step. I know that this isn't enough. I need to do more. I'm not tired, I'm roaring. There is a fire in my stomach, and its driving me to push myself. I need to train harder, I need to take some of this pressure out on something.

My lungs scream, begging me to stop, but I don't listen to them, they don't know pain. They can handle more. Hell I know they can handle more. This wasn't even my best stuff. So stop yelling at me!

A loud snort resonates in the air, as I slide to a stop in a clearing. There have been battles here before, and my dark blue eyes observe my surroundings. From the sparse tree line of not quite alive trees, and the thawing yet still freezing lake not to far off. Slowly my head turns, and the black lithe body follows in a almost lazy circle.

A battle? A spar? Why the fuck not? Lets see who responds shall we? Who will respond to the mare who is slowly losing her mind, who can't think of anything other than the spilling of red red blood. Who is holding out so that her daughter might live and grow up to not have a bat shit mother who commits homicide on a regular basis. I wasn't going to last that long, but a girl can try, can't she?

Taking one last look around, and making sure the footing was good enough to fight on, I decide to make my call. My powerful body lifts my front end from the ground and a awful scream erupts from my throat, calling for a challenger, for someone to fight my slipping black mass. I land with a large thump, and I think the ground may have shook beneath me. Maybe. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I only have to wait for someone to show up, for someone to arrive so I can maybe release some of this goddamn pressure. I need release.


"Speech"
Tag;; @[Roland]
Words;; 352/800
Notes;;
For Birdsong Seasonal Spars~!

Takes place in the center of the Aurora Birdsong, in a small clearing near the thawing lake, with a sparse tree line. The ground is slightly squishy and torn up from previous spars, but other wise the ground has good grip. The time of day is mid afternoon, the sun is barely towards the west, and the weather is fair, if not slightly warm.

Unlimited Timeline

Also, apologies for this being so jumpy >.< Sialia's going a little crazy at the moment, and as a result causing her thoughts to jump around very often. My word count will hopefully go up as this progresses >.< Also, Roland has the first attack should he want it! :D

Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Roland Posts: 230
Aurora Basin Phantom atk: 7.5 | def: 10 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16 hh :: 8 yrs HP: 60.0 | Buff: NOVICE
Glo
#2
never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to treason


It was not in the Thief's nature to fight. He was supposed to work in shadow, deceiving, beguiling, a duplicitous ghost, not a grunt spilling blood on the battlefield. It had been years since he'd last thrown down the gauntlet. The customs of war had long ago been shoved into the back of his mind, making way for information, secrets and fabrications- it was a finer art than that of battle, more sophisticated, more precise. But what good would sharp words be if the Basin faced war again? Roland would be nothing more than a rusty knife against swords.

The call that rang out across the valley was not a plea for help, nor a warm and friendly greeting. There was the distinct note of a challenge in its voice. The Thief could not say why he felt compelled to answer, but he did. Perhaps it was because of the incident at the Endless Blue that drove him to return to the fight. He often thought of the winged beast on the shoreline, of the fire it had loosed upon himself and Lena, and wondered if he had possessed the courage, the speed, the strength, might he have been able to save them?

Roland spared one last glance at the lake, just the slightest ripples dancing across its surface underneath the playful antics of a cool breeze, and turned towards the challenger. She stood not far from the shoreline, a black smudge against muted earthen hues, a splash of white upon her face. The ground was soft beneath the Thief's feet, slightly damp from melting snow, mud showing against the overturned grass, and when he looked down it was to the sight of numerous hoof prints in the damp earth, scarring the distance between them. Roland picked his way tentatively towards the mare, a slow and careful advance through the mud. He convinced himself it was to buy the time to puzzle out his first move- he was definitely not stalling for fear of finding himself dreadfully outmatched. His blue eyes flitted from the stranger's face to the ground and back again, sizing her up when his gaze was upon her- they were evenly matched, from a distance Roland would guess the same height, and of similar build- disguising what he hoped was a carefully orchestrated approach under an air of hesitance, uncertainty. When he had drawn as near as he dared, he bowed his head in greeting and flashed a small smile, hoping to mask his uneasiness.

Before he lingered too long and lost his nerve, Roland sidled a step to his right, gaze sliding along the mare's left side until he settled upon his target. Without a moment's hesitation he made the first move, hind legs digging into the soft earth and hoping to find purchase amongst the churned grass and mud as he propelled himself forwards. The Thief prayed he had been quick enough to catch her by surprise as he reached out, hoping to deliver a bite to the soft flesh between her neck and left shoulder. Dirty water sprayed up to his knees as he found his footing and turned to dash past her hindquarters, grimacing as his hooves skidded in the mud. He had only gone a few steps before he wheeled to face her again, muscles tense, tail curling against his hocks and head lowered, horn tipped towards the mare as he set himself up for her retaliation. The slightest of smiles danced along his lips as adrenaline coursed through him. He had forgotten the thrill of fighting. Even if he no longer possessed the brazen confidence he had once boasted upon the battlefield, it was as if he was slipping into an old routine, a distantly familiar song and dance. Perhaps there was hope for him yet.

---

@[Sialia]
[WC: 635/800
Attack: 1/3
Summary: Roland approaches Sialia face on before stepping to her left, lunging towards her in an attempt to deliver a bite to the skin between her neck and left shoulder. Then he turns and dashes past her hindquarters, turning around to face her.]

image credits


Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#3
You're to mean, I don't like you, Fuck you anyway.


I am not kept waiting long. A stallion soon arrives to my call, arriving slowly at first. My royal eyes rake slowly over him as he approaches. We are even of height, maybe I'm slightly taller, and I seem to have a heavier build than he does. But he looks to be lithe and agile at the same time. More than I could say for myself. I admit, I have not seen him around- Wait. I have. He was at the Orange Moon festival. He had been hosting the riddle games that my daughter Glacia had jumped into. That was quiet some time ago. Since then.. I can't say that I have seen him around.

The red stallion halts, but only for a moment. Only to nod his head in slight greeting. Ugh. I forget sometimes how much others like to be polite before battles. Not just raging in and attacking. But maybe I underestimate him. Actually I did underestimate him. He is fast, and is coming at me head on, and almost awkwardly I attempt to move away to the right as he side-steps to the left. and reaches out with his jaws. Ow. There is a stinging pain, located on the skin between my neck and shoulder. Kudo's to you buddy, but you just got lucky. He got me good, very good. I can feel the blood dripping down my chest, and in a sick way I revel in the pain.

But no more time for dilly dallying. He could get me again. My dark hooves land a few feet away, and I wince on the impact. But I wash that away as I turn around quickly on my haunches. I don't halt, instead using the force already in my hind end I push off with force into a gallop barreling towards the stallion. There is some slip, but the digging of my hooves is effecting, and I gain ground fast. As I approach I move slightly from left to right, as an attempt to confuse the man, before moving quickly to the right. As I round on his shoulder, my front end lifts up and turns in an attempt to land on his shoulders and to push him down or away. My own injury screams in protest to the movement and the stretch, but I have to ignore it, I have to fight through it. As I land I am unsure if I hit him, and quickly take off in the opposite direction, only to slow and turn to watch his next move, and to see if I caused any injury.

"Speech"
Tag;; @[Roland]
Words;; 434/800
Notes;; Attack 1/3

Summary:
Sialia turns and takes off towards Roland, zigzagging in an attempt to confuse him on which direction she would take, before quickly moving to the right, and next to his shoulder she rears and turns to come down on his withers/shoulders in an attempt to rake him or land on his shoulder to cause damage. Upon landing Sialia spins and takes off away from Roland, before slowing and turning so her right side faces him.


Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Roland Posts: 230
Aurora Basin Phantom atk: 7.5 | def: 10 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16 hh :: 8 yrs HP: 60.0 | Buff: NOVICE
Glo
#4
never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to treason


His surprise tactic worked! The Thief could hardly believe his good fortune. Perhaps he'd been too hard on himself, believing that any and all fighting skill he might have once possessed had been long lost. Now there was no stifling the surge of pride he felt at having landed a blow, never mind the fact that it was a small victory. At first he had been wondering just how much a fool he could make of himself before their spar was done, but it seemed some rare luck might be on his side. Unfortunately, it was not over yet. Pinning his ears anxiously against his skull, Roland watched the mare turn to him, recovering from his attack quickly. She wasted no time in closing the gap between them, and the Thief felt a sick kind of fear in his stomach as she approached, wondering if it might have been his heart that was stuck in his throat, making it difficult to breathe.

His confidence evaporated just as abruptly as his opponent descended upon him, darting in one direction first as she approached, only to dance to the other side as soon as he turned to face her. Within seconds she was upon him, lifting up from the ground and looming over him, a flash of black shadow over his head. The Thief flinched away from the blur of her hooves before his face, her dark coat catching the yellow light of the afternoon sun before Roland was scrambling away from her, an uncoordinated and entirely ungraceful backwards retreat. His hooves slipped in the mud and he almost lost his footing, letting out a curse beneath his breath as the mare came crashing down before him in a rush of cool wind. Roland shook his forelock from his eyes, heart pounding against his ribs as he watched her turn on her heel to escape his reach. For a split second the Thief could only stand there, attempting to catch his breath as his gaze turned away from the mare's retreating frame. The trees were boasting new greenery, and it was pleasant to hear the rustle of leaves against the breeze instead of the hiss of snow across rock and ice. He attempted to focus upon the sound, ignoring the roar of blood pounding through his head.

Gradually recovering from the initial shock of her attack- and the relief that he had been quick enough to dodge it- the Thief attempted to make the best of her back turned towards him. His pursuit was not quiet, nor was it stealthy; the sound of his feet splashing through mud and over wet grass would be hard to miss, but he didn't necessarily require surprise to execute his next move. The moment she wheeled to face him Roland slowed, hooves sliding over wet ground as he turned his side towards the mare, hoping to use his forward momentum to propel his left shoulder into her right forequarter. He kept his head ducked low to avoid knocking their skulls together, or catching her with his horn. It was an awkward attack, and not entirely foolproof. Upon closer inspection, the mare seemed to be built heavier than Roland himself, not quite as slight as she had appeared at a distance. His weight against hers was not guaranteed to be all that effective, but somehow the Thief had difficulty swallowing the idea of grievously harming a fellow citizen of the Basin in a simple spar. Despite his pride at having landed a blow previously, he did feel bad.

For now, however, he hoped to knock her off balance at the very least. It might buy him the chance to make another move before she could lash out at him, unless she was more securely rooted to the ground than Roland was hoping for. His tail swung out behind him as he regained his footing, and instead of beating a hasty retreat as he had before, he swung his hindquarters away and turned to face her head on, keeping well within her reach. He had reclaimed a wary grip upon his confidence, and didn't intend to let her sway him as easily as she'd done before.


---

@[Sialia]
[WC: 698/800
Attack: 2/3
Summary: Roland follows after Sialia as she retreats. Once she stops and turns towards him, he uses his forward momentum to throw his left shoulder against her right shoulder, hoping to knock her off balance. He stands his ground and turns to face her straight on.]



image credits


Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#5
You're to mean, I don't like you, Fuck you anyway.


Well this is not turning out the way I had planned. I was getting my ass kicked by this guy. But my attack seemed to have shaken his confidence a little. Well, good. As I slow, and turn towards him I am shocked to find he has followed me, and very intelligently has used the slippery terrain to his advantage. I scramble to move, but what is his advantage becomes my downfall. He crashes into me with quiet a lot of force on my right shoulder. Oh damn that smarts.

The spot in which he collided with me throbs painfully, and I am thrown off balance, my legs sprawled at an awkward angle. I am stopped for a moment, recovering, but I don't have much time because he has just made quiet the mistake in judgement. Whilst my shoulder throbs, I gather my balance and spin quickly on my haunches to the left and launch myself at him, jaws open wide at the lower half of his throat, right where his neck connects to his chest.

I feel my teeth clamp together, though I can't tell if I tear away with flesh or if I'm just taking off with air in my teeth. I move deftly to the left quickly after I bite after him, trotting off only to walk a few feet later, circling around my opponent. My eyes watch him carefully, wary of the leaner man, but at the same time trying to recover from the rough blow he had landed on my shoulder. It still throbbed, and I was sure he had bruised it pretty damn well. Carefully my eyes trail over him, analyzing. He caught be by surprise... twice. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.... Shame on me. He would not be surprising me again. But after this, I would compliment him. He was good, and worthy of congratulations. It's been awhile since I had a opponent who was intelligent, as well as a good fight.


"Speech"
Tag;; @[Roland]
Words;; 332/800
Notes;; Attack 2/3

Summary: As Roland stops behind her hind end Sialia spins on her haunches, and launches herself at his chest and opens her mouth to bite at the lower half of his throat that connects to his chest before moving away to the side at a trot, before slowing to a walk to favor her shoulder as well as to keep an eye on him, however she does not turn away from him.

Injuries: A Nasty bite in between the neck and shoulder on her left side, and some pretty good bruising on her right shoulder, causing a limp in her step.

Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Roland Posts: 230
Aurora Basin Phantom atk: 7.5 | def: 10 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16 hh :: 8 yrs HP: 60.0 | Buff: NOVICE
Glo
#6
never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to treason


The breath was knocked from Roland's lungs as he crashed into the mare, sending her stumbling back a few paces. There was an ache in his side where he had hit her, but it was easily shaken off, ignored in favour of preparing himself for her next attack. He raked in a steadying breath as he attempted to regain his footing on the slippery terrain, watching intently as the mare righted herself. The Thief was feeling perilously at ease after having dealt two successful blows. He was confident enough in his own speed to remain within reach, sure that he could dart out of harm's way before she had the chance to strike out at him. But perhaps he should have taken another step back.

There was little time to react when the mare regained her composure and lunged towards him again, teeth bared and aimed for his throat. He had been in this position before, once. But instead of an ally exchanging training blows, it had been a serpent, jaws wide and a dangerous glint in its crimson eyes. The Thief could still remember the burning pain of poisoned fangs sinking into his flesh, and the dizzying effect that had followed afterwards. The memory was more than enough to spring him into action.

Roland's hooves dug into the soft mud as he lurched a step backwards, settling his weight onto his hind legs in an attempt to draw his front end out of her reach. His tail lashed out behind him as he struggled to regain his balance, heart leaping into his throat. He heard the snap of the mare's teeth as they closed over empty air just inches before his throat, wincing at the thought of what might have happened had she found her mark. Luckily she did not pursue him further, and the Thief wasn't about to let his resolve be shaken as it had the last time she'd come at him. When he looked up, it was to find her dancing out of reach, beginning a gradual orbit around him. Roland made good use of the moment of respite, trying to catch his breath as he watched the mare step behind him. The sun was pleasantly warm against his back, and he had begun to sweat beneath its heat. Any breath of wind coasting through the valley was a welcome occurrence.

The Thief did his best to keep his opponent in sight, eyeing up the sleek black of her sides as sunlight glinted off her hide. He took note of the way she favoured her right foreleg as she moved. There was blood on her chest as well, spreading from the bite he had dealt her. Roland couldn't help but feel a little guilty at seeing it, forcing himself to swallow down an apology. It was becoming apparent that the years he had gone without seeing combat had made him grow terribly soft.

Nevertheless, he felt the need to fill the silence as he waited for her to step before him again. It might buy him some time to plan out his next move. "May I have your name?" He asked between breaths, quirking a small smile at her. Despite the fact that he felt caged in, trapped like a stag against a pack of wolves, there was no dampening the spark of courage that had kindled in his chest. She had yet to land a scratch on him, and the Thief was whole and hale as ever.

The mare's slow rotation around him finally brought her before him once again. Without wasting more time, he pushed himself towards her, feeling the pleasant rush of cool wind across his sun warmed skin as he lunged at her right side. As he neared her he stretched out his neck, aiming another quick bite at the exposed skin of her flank. Drawing away as quick as he'd neared, Roland attempted to dash past her hindquarters before she could react, hoping to escape her reach. Coming to a gradual halt just a few feet from her left side, he turned himself towards her and prepared for her next move.

---

@[Sialia]
[WC: 690/800
Attack: 3/3
Summary: When Sialia circles around to his front, Roland lunges towards her and attempts to bite her right flank. He quickly darts away and draws around her hind end to her opposite side, positioning himself just a few feet away from her, and directly facing her left side.]

image credits


Sialia Posts: 169
Outcast atk: 6 | def: 8.5 | dam: 5.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 8 Years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Nessie
#7
You're to mean, I don't like you, Fuck you anyway.


Yet again, my blow doesn't land, and honestly it kind of pisses me off. In this spar it seemed my heavier build was my own worst enemy, and was almost being used against me. Sometimes bigger isn't always better. You could tell, that in this spar being slightly lighter and slightly more agile where what you wanted, especially with a big ole warmblood mare with blood on her mind chasing after you with her jowls wide open looking to crunch something between her pearly whites.

However, our spar seems to have taken a momentary break for both parties to gain their breath and composer. I am slightly surprised to find that he doesn't immediately take off after me, but instead stands in the center of the circle watching me. "May I have your name?" He asks between breaths, and my ears tilt towards him, a grin leering on my two toned face. "Sialia." I respond, my voice dropping into a soft husky sound, but somehow it managed to echo across the clearing, bouncing off the few sparse tree's that surround us.

There is silence once more, and I don't ask his name. I would do that after. Instead I finish my circle, taking in his movements as he dashes forward towards me. I am not surprised by this, and I move my hind end out of the way... but just a tad to late. He gets the bite in, but it only stings for a moment. It doesn't hurt nearly as much at the bite and the bruising on either of my shoulders. In fact I barely flick an ear back at it. As he dashes behind me moving to my left side I swing my hind end towards him, and as he halts I back a few paces back before kicking my hind legs out towards his chest. I let my legs out at there full length before pulling them back underneath me, and shooting off forward before turning my body to face my opponent. I take deep breaths, my blue eyes watching him closely and a grin touching my lips. "Might I have your name?" I lowered my head, giving him a nod of respect. "Thank you, I needed a good ass kicking." My eyes danced with mirth and excitement. I had enjoyed myself, despite the painful shoulders. My head lifted back to its full height and I watch waiting for him.


"Speech"
Tag;; @[Roland]
Words;; 418/800
Notes;; Attack 3/3

Summary: Sialia turns her hind end towards him as he rounds behind and quickly backs a few steps before kicking her hind feet out at his chest as he halts. Then as she brings her feet back down she rushes forward at the trot before turning to face him.

Injuries: A Nasty bite in between the neck and shoulder on her left side, and some pretty good bruising on her right shoulder, causing a limp in her step, and a small bite wound on her flank, that doesn't bother her to much.

Credits: Whit's tables were an inspiration | Coding by Schwartze | Image
[Image: 538c1505470d5]
Please tag Sialia in all posts! Thanks!

Roland Posts: 230
Aurora Basin Phantom atk: 7.5 | def: 10 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16 hh :: 8 yrs HP: 60.0 | Buff: NOVICE
Glo
#8
never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to treason


So he finally had a name to put to her face. Sialia. Perhaps once their battle was done, and all wounds had been tended to, he would seek her out again. She seemed companionable, good natured, and with any luck Roland could make a new friend. He was in perilously short supply of those. But their time for socializing had passed, and he wasn't about to miss his chance to catch her by surprise again. Sialia's introduction was acknowledged with a dip of his head before the Thief launched himself into action. The ground was wet underfoot, each quick step spraying cold water against the stallion's legs as he neared. His teeth caught her flesh in a gentle bite, one he hoped would not draw blood like before, and without lingering within her reach he turned to curve around her hind end. His gaze drifted from the mare's form as he watched his footing, seeking out a patch of dry ground to stand upon.

Her next attack came much sooner than expected, and there was little time to react. When Roland drew to a halt and returned his gaze to Sialia, it was to find her feet flying up towards him. The Thief jerked in surprise, flinching as her hooves slammed into his chest with bone rattling force, and the breath was stolen from his lungs. He stumbled a step backwards, letting out a sharp cough as the mare drew her feet back underneath her frame and turned to face him. Roland could only look on with wide eyes for a moment, attempting to hide the pain from his features. The breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding was let out as a hiss through his teeth. Cursing himself for having grown distracted, he stepped forwards and ducked his head, wincing at the pull of muscle in his neck. His chest burned, beginning to ache as if the weight of her hooves was still pressed upon his skin. Shifting his weight onto his hind limbs did little to ease the pain, but at the very least he could disguise his alarm with a good natured smile. The reminder that he was not, in fact, invincible, was probably well deserved.

She made no further move to attack him, standing at ease with a wide grin stretching her lips. Roland wondered at how she could still seem to possess so much energy after all that. His muscles were fatigued from tension, and his heart had been a constant drum beat within his ears for the duration of their fight, but it began to quiet as they stood together in a short lived silence. The Thief's question was eventually parroted back at him, but he deflected it for a moment as he caught his breath, still smarting from her blow. His gaze strayed out across the lake, watching the ripples sweep across its surface. The afternoon was drawing onwards, rays of golden sunlight slanting across the water and over snow capped mountain peaks. "Roland," he answered at last, offering her a courteous bow of his head. He could have come out much worse for wear, and it was a pleasant surprise to find himself quick on his feet as ever. A bit of pain was a trivial price for a boost in confidence. Perhaps it had only been a simple matter of luck; he might not find himself with such good fortune next time, but it was a step in the right direction. The idea of fighting, for his friends, his family, his home, no longer seemed an impossible prospect when he knew he still had a handle- no matter how loose- upon the mechanics of battle. There might be hope for him yet.

Sialia's good humour was a welcome diversion, and the Thief was pleased to see her high spirits remained. "It was my pleasure," he responded with a low chuckle, eyes cast down towards the wound upon her neck. "Sorry about that," he added as a guilty afterthought, tilting his nose towards the mark in question. He met her gaze with a repentant smile, before finally sparing a look down at the state of himself. Roland curled his lip in distaste, holding back a grimace as he took in his own disheveled appearance, mud flecked and splashed all the way up his now bruising chest. A dip in the hot springs wouldn't just be well deserved after this ordeal. It would be necessary.

---

@[Sialia]
[WC: 742/800]

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Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: ROLAND is the winner!

SIALIA
Realism [+0]
:: He is fast, and is coming at me head on, Be sure to read your opponent’s post carefully- the way I understood Roland was that he was coming in from the side.
:: My dark hooves land a few feet away, and I wince on the impact. Landed from what? You never described her moving anywhere to begin with.
:: My own injury screams in protest to the movement and the stretch, but I have to ignore it, I have to fight through it. In your first post, I really didn’t feel like you took enough injury at first, but then you wrote this. I feel like there was a serious disconnect between the first half and second half of your post. Continuity is really important in fights, so make sure you’re matching up injuries from before to later in the post. That said, I like that you didn’t forget about her injury entirely.
:: jaws open wide at the lower half of his throat, right where his neck connects to his chest. I really would have liked some explanation as to why Sialia was trying to attack Roland in such a deadly manner. For just a training spar in the Basin, this seemed a little intense.
:: trotting off only to walk a few feet later, circling around my opponent. You can’t say this with certainty, Roland could have moved. Careful.
:: Again, I could have used more explanation on the injury. Roland rolled even higher in his second attack, and I didn’t feel like your injury was any worse than her previous one.
:: I would have liked to see more use of scenery throughout the fight.
:: You did ok remembering character differences, although they weren’t entirely organic in the beginning they did get a little better in one of your later posts.


Emotion [-1]
:: Ow. There is a stinging pain, located on the skin between my neck and shoulder. Kudo's to you buddy, but you just got lucky. He got me good, very good. I can feel the blood dripping down my chest, and in a sick way I revel in the pain. This was very dry to read. She just got bit, and from what I understand fairly hard- I’d like to see more emotion. Either explain why she doesn’t care, or explain what she’s thinking, something to help draw me in.
:: Yet again, my blow doesn't land, and honestly it kind of pisses me off. This was the first real bit of emotion that I got from Sialia, and I wish you would have expounded on it.
:: taking in his movements as he dashes forward towards me. I am not surprised by this, Why isn’t she surprised? Explain!


Prose [+1]
:: I forget sometimes how much others like to be polite before battles. Not just raging in and attacking. But maybe I underestimate him. This was a little choppy to read. I think some of it is stylistic, but you can also use commas to create breaks in your writing without insinuating the finality that a period does.
:: There is some slip, but the digging of my hooves is effecting, and I gain ground fast. I’m not even sure what effecting is supposed to mean in this sentence.
:: breath and composer Composure
:: I let my legs out at there full length Their
:: You always had more words left- you don’t necessarily use all of them to be a good writer, but your posts could have used the support of some more explanation and decoration.


Readability [+2]
:: There were a few times that I had to re-read because of strange wording or because of actions that didn’t entirely make sense.

Finally tally: 43+(2*2)= 47HP

*******************************************

ROLAND
Realism [+2.5]
:: He had only gone a few steps before he wheeled to face her again, muscles tense, tail curling against his hocks and head lowered, horn tipped towards the mare as he set himself up for her retaliation. Careful how you word things like this- Sialia could have moved.
:: I love that you had him miss Sialia’s attack because he slipped in the mud. It really highlighted his inexperience and I felt like it was totally in character. Well done!
:: he swung his hindquarters away and turned to face her head on, keeping well within her reach. Again, careful with this wording- she could have moved.
:: Great job using prior experience to justify Roland’s actions, in your third post!
:: Coming to a gradual halt just a few feet from her left side, he turned himself towards her and prepared for her next move. Same note as before- she could have moved.
:: You did a beautiful job remembering the scenery throughout, and using it in your posts.
:: You also did a good job working in your opponent’s build compared to yours. It seemed a little forced in your first post, but was more organic later in the course of the fight.


Emotion [+2]
:: I liked your introductory emotion- especially the way Roland considered why he was fighting, and trying to better himself for Lena and his herd.
:: It was great that his lack of confidence continued into your next post- I loved it.
:: Well-done throughout, really- I could tell what Roland was thinking and why he was acting the way he was the entire fight. Great!


Prose [+4]
:: I didn’t notice any grammatical errors. It was clear that your posts were well-edited and that you took time to make them the best they could be. Your writing is beautiful and has excellent flow. Great job!


Readability [+3]
:: No comments or concerns

Finally tally: 53.5+(11.5*2)= 76.5HP


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