the Rift


[JUDGED] a necklace of rope [Daemyn Spar]

Ktulu the Constrictor Posts: 509
Outcast atk: 5.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.1 :: 7 HP: 70.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Eytan :: Grizzly Bear :: Terrorize ali
#1
Ktulu</style>
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming
i will reach inside just to find my heart is beating
</style>



It was still dark when Ktulu woke to the thought of her impending spar with Daemyn, one of the other sergeants under Archibald's command. Only a few short weeks ago he would have been her sergeant, but she had stepped down and Cheveyo had stepped up. The painted mare had done nothing since but disappoint the Constrictor, from her lack of helping Archibald to disappearing completely without a word to anyone. Had it not been for herself there would have been no spars or patrols ordered for Birdsong and that knowledge made her want to hunt Cheveyo down and challenge her for her title as Captain, but how could she when she didn't know where she was? It only added to Ktulu's frustration and as her frustration grew so did her desire to pummel someone. Perhaps the spars were of more benefit than she had originally thought.

Ktulu left Lakota sleeping in peace and ventured toward the Edge's border, paused for a moment to instruct Eytan to fetch Daemyn then continued on. She did not feel like battling in the Edge where one could be guaranteed an audience. In Ktulu's mind battles, challenges, and spars were fiercely intimate and often brought warriors together on a level that normal meetings never would allow. Those who fought together would begin to understand the other's weaknesses and their strengths. Case in point, she knew that Archibald's size was a disadvantage because he could not move as quickly and his strength was in blows that could make bones rattle.

There was little that she knew about her opponent, Daemyn, as she had not taken the time to get to know him. What she knew was from what she had seen in passing. His build was that of a quarter horse, his hind end well muscled and that lead her to assume that he would be able to pack one hell of a kick should he think to. He was not much larger than she was and so she assumed that that would be equally matched in their agility. Time would tell, however, if her assumptions would be proven correct.

The sun was rising when Ktulu finally reached her destination, the Heavenly Fields. The grass was still damp with morning dew and the air was cool, but it would only be a short time before the sun would burn the dew away and warm the field. She turned, positioning the sun at her back and waited for Eytan to arrive with Daemyn.

"."

ooc://
0/3
Word Count: 417
Setting: Heavenly Fields, early morning. The grass is still wet with dew and the sun is rising at Ktulu's back. Intermittent clouds.
Magic and companions allowed.
@[Daemyn]

Image Credits

Icon by Tay

Daemyn Posts: 45
Outcast atk: 4 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Equine :: 16.1 :: 5(Tall Sun) HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mato :: Caucasian Shepherd Dog :: None Mouse
#2
<style> .alija i { color: #E3B07B; } .alija a { font-variant: normal; font-size: 10px; color: #B28779; opacity: .5; } </style>
Sleep was hard to get when there was a war raging within your heart. Sighing the silver spotted boy gave up on rest. Amethyst eyes moved slowly around his home, the place he loved with all his heart. Even with that his impending spar weighed heavily upon his morals. In his homeland mare's were not allowed to fight, unless there was no other choice. But in Helovia, females were allowed and encouraged to fight and hold ranks. Sighing the muscular stallion lowered his head to graze; he would need his strength. Heaving a deep breath the stallion suddenly looked up a strange scent drifting upon the air.

Stomping a hoof he demanded for the intruder to show itself with a deep growling like sound. To his surprise a large grizzly bear lumbered into the open. He stared openly at the massive furry beast. After the shock subsided he know whom this creature belonged too. Maybe belonged wasn't the right word, but that's all he could think of. "You're Ktulu's companion right?" A large breathy huff came from the grizzly before he turned back the way he had come.

'Now I'm following a bear, what else does this strange land have in store for me?' Shaking his large spotted head the stallion pricked his ears as they finished their climb. The ground leveled out to a marvelous field. Lilac eyes devoured the pretty land before falling upon his opponent. He kept his distance sizing her up before dipping his head. Thunder rumbled easily from his lips, "Morning Ktulu." They were very evenly matched in size. She was lighter built though, and would give her more agility. Daemyn also knew the her bear gave her an advantage; as would her silver horn. Purple eyes gazed over the gear slowly. He watched her carefully moving slowly closer to her, careful to keep a four feet away. He wasn't sure who would initiate the fight, but he was ready for anything. Keeping his large head lowered, and his bulging muscles tensed he waited.

The silver boy would have to put her gender out of his mind so this could be a fair fight. Taking a deep breath he waited thinking over strategies for this spar. He was sure this fight would not be an easy one for sure. There would be no holding back because she was a girl. Thinking quickly he shifted to the right so his left side was at a slight angle to her. As he did so the male noticed the ground was still slick with morning dew. 'Hmmm.'

----------------------------------------
Words Thoughts
Words; 429
Tags; @[Ktulu]
Notes; I was give permission to powerplay Eytan.
[Image: daemyn_by_poolpaw-d8dwmiw.png] [Image: mato__by_silver_dreamer_mist-d9bez85.png]
Please tag Daemyn!


Ktulu the Constrictor Posts: 509
Outcast atk: 5.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.1 :: 7 HP: 70.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Eytan :: Grizzly Bear :: Terrorize ali
#3
Ktulu</style>
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming
i will reach inside just to find my heart is beating
</style>



On any typical day Ktulu would have been extremely irritated with having to wait for Daemyn to arrive at her chosen sparring ground, but she was trying to exercise a bit of patience because she was not in the Edge. Try as she might, however, as the minutes ticked by and the sun rose higher her patience began to wan and she started to grow irritated. "Hurry." She mentally projected to her companion as she continued to wait. '...coming.' came the bear's response a minute or so later. Ktulu sighed and shifted her weight so she could rest her left hind hoof on its tip. She certainly didn't want this spar to take all day because she had other obligations and duties to tend to.

'Here.' Ktulu's gaze moves to the path leading into the field when she hears Eytan's voice and she can see the dark, lumbering form of her companion and the taller form of Daemyn following behind him. Her ears tilted forward as Daemyn came to a halt and greeted her. "Good morning, Daemyn." She replied. Her stance shifted from the relaxed position she had assumed while she waited for his arrival to one that seemed to say she was ready for battle.

As he began to move closer Ktulu watched him closely, looking for any hitch in his movement that could have been an old injury from a previous battle. There was nothing she that stuck out to her that she could take note of. That just meant that she would have to target his legs to try and slow him down. When he stopped he lowered his head and seemed to tense his muscles in a way that seemed to mean he was prepared for her to take the first attack. Ktulu twitched her silver tail and turned her body to face the younger stallion head on.

"You may have the first attack." She said, hoping that it would throw a wrench into Daemyn planned defense. With that said she copied him, lowering her head so her horn pointed toward the stallion. A growl sounded to Ktulu's right and she knew that Eytan was as ready as she for the battle to begin.

"."

ooc://
0/3
Word Count: 368
Setting: Heavenly Fields, early morning. The grass is still wet with dew and the sun is rising at Ktulu's back. Intermittent clouds.
Magic and companions allowed.

You can have the first attack c:
@[Daemyn]

Image Credits

Icon by Tay

Daemyn Posts: 45
Outcast atk: 4 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Equine :: 16.1 :: 5(Tall Sun) HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mato :: Caucasian Shepherd Dog :: None Mouse
#4
<style> .alija i { color: #E3B07B; } .alija a { font-variant: normal; font-size: 10px; color: #B28779; opacity: .5; } </style>
Lavender oculars blinked slowly before sliding over her black and bronze body taking in her scars and muscles. Once again unease prickled through him as he followed her feminine curves. Stomping a large stripped hoof the stallion arched his neck channeling the anger he felt deep within his heart. The rage that had been sown deep by a young bastard king. If his family needed him to fight girls he would, with honor. Daemyn realized in that moment he had no qualms of his own that mare's were allowed to fight, it was just his upbringing. Rising above this new revaluation the stud saw the challenge before him, she was going to be a hell of a competitor. His own height; she was built on the lighter side, but he could see the power in her, as well as her bear. Her words of welcome drew lilac to crimson, calculating the best plan already.

Anticipation mounted as she turned to face him directly, instructing him to move first. 'So she wants to dance huh?' A small smirk twisted set features into something between determination and excitement. Even staring down the barrel of a loaded gun the lad felt nothing but the pounding of his heart; beating with the thoughts of proving his worth. How many times would the boy need to do so to feel like a man? How many battles, how many wounds, how many wins? A snort ripped through the air as the horned girl lowered her own dagger studded head. By instinct Daemyn knew the bear would not have the agility either of them possessed, if he could keep Ktulu between them, he would be worthless. Maybe he could even use the muscular companion to trip her up. But that horn, already stained with countless other's blood would hold him back surely. He would have to stay on her, or out of her way. Allowing the woman to charge him would be stupid, and he thanked her silently for the chance to set the pace to their battle song.

Moving swiftly, the stallion fainted to her right, as if going for the shaggy bear, before calling upon Quarter horse blood and steering instead to her left. Teeth flashed aiming for her left knee, hopping to make it to sore to pivot affectingly. If he could slow her down, then he would have the upper hand. Rolling stout hips under himself the boy pulled up early, accounting for the slick early morning dew. Hopefully he timed it just so he would be able to slip passed her strong teeth without his rump being an easy target. Man was it nice to be a great reining breed! Snorting as his resolve hardened clearing his mind of all thoughts but this fight. Once stopped, hopefully his hefty rump next to her soft flank, he threw his butt to the right, trying to knock her off balance maybe even into the bear. But that would be to much to ask for right? If his plan worked she would be just far enough away... Wheeling to the left of her the spotted threw a double barrel kick her way, hoping to catch her shoulder, or her ribs if all else failed.



----------------------------------------
Words Thoughts
Words; 539
Tags; @[Ktulu]
Notes; 1/3 Daemyn starts off by running straight at her, faking to her right before swinging left. He then tries to bite her left knee in hopes of slowing her down. Then he does a sliding stop next to her trying to keep his butt away from teeth, but stop so his hip bone is lined up with hers making his butt next to her flank. Then he throws his weight into her flank trying to knock her off balance, falling into Eytan would just be a bonus for him. He hopes she is far enough away that he can get a good solid, two hoof, kick to her shoulder or ribs
[Image: daemyn_by_poolpaw-d8dwmiw.png] [Image: mato__by_silver_dreamer_mist-d9bez85.png]
Please tag Daemyn!


Ktulu the Constrictor Posts: 509
Outcast atk: 5.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.1 :: 7 HP: 70.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Eytan :: Grizzly Bear :: Terrorize ali
#5
Ktulu</style>
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming
i will reach inside just to find my heart is beating
</style>



Judging strictly from the smirk that curled the corners of Daemyn's mouth Ktulu assumed that the stallion was confident and perhaps a bit smug. Confidence was a good thing to have in a fight, but if he was smug he was sure to falter and become reckless. Her stance shifted as she took up the defensive and prepared herself for Daemyn's attack. She had not seen him in battle before nor had she been present for any of his spars so she did not know his fighting style. Anticipation clawed at her throat as she began to wonder if he was a close range fighter or he had some ability that allowed him to strike from a distance. Whatever his style she knew she would have to quickly assess the best possible defense along with attack to ensure her success in battle because she would not lose to him. She refused to lose to him.

Crimson eyes shifted as Daemyn finally threw himself into motion, but she was a bit surprised that he would target Eytan first. Was he trying to get the bear out of the fight early on to try and even the odds? Did he think that she would throw herself in front of the bear to protect him? An annoyed snort blew past Ktulu's nostrils because she and Eytan were a team and she knew very well that the bear could defend himself against Daemyn. He had claws that could easily slice through flesh, sever veins and arteries, rip through muscles and tendon, and leave behind one very broken, very lame horse. That was why Ktulu did not jump to Eytan's defense and, instead, let the bear prepare himself for a swipe at the stallion's legs. It was all for naught, however, when he feinted to the left to come at her.

"Idiot." She thought with irritation as he kept his head low and aimed for her knee because she knew there were ways to counter attack. A rear would lift her effortlessly into the air and past his teeth, but it would leave her open if he decided to kick at her and she was not keen on taking a kick from him. The other option, and the one she chose, was to lower her head and allow her horn to do the defending for her. The length of it would not allow him to get close enough without the possibility of being stabbed in the face or neck. There was also the bonus of being able to stab at his chest or belly if he decided to rear. As she dropped her head down and pointed her horn toward Daemyn she began to turn. The sheer speed with which he could stop was surprising and Ktulu found herself lifting her head and backing away. She had managed to back away enough so that his flank was near her shoulder and she had wanted to back away more but Daemyn had already straightened and was preparing his next attack. Ktulu's dark ears flattened against her head and she aimed a particularly vicious bite toward the meaty ass that he was throwing into her shoulder. The bite was not without injury to her because his weight hitting against her muzzle and teeth left her jaw aching and made her think twice about trying to bite him again.

"You throw your ass around like a mare in heat!" She snapped irritatedly. Again, the spotted boy was on the offensive and Ktulu wondered how he had managed to attack so many times in so short a period of time. She skittered back and his hooves glanced off of her shoulder, leaving the muscle to bruise in its wake. "Now Eytan!" Ktulu instructed to the bear who had distanced himself when the battle began. Now the bear charged forward with a roar ripping its way from his throat as he tried to use his ability to terrorize his enemies against Daemyn. Should he be successful the boy would be subjected to visions of the Edge's forest burning, its king and queen mutilated, the healers and nurses throat's slit open. At the same time Ktulu tapped into her own magic to try and choke the boy.

Ktulu waited scarcely a moment because she knew the extent of Eytan's ability, knew the time frame that it would last and knew that she had to capitalize. Slate grey hooves thundered against the ground as she charged with her head lowered, intent on using it to slice into Daemyn's flesh on his right and spill his blood. Perhaps she was taking the spar a little too seriously but how would the boy learn if she took it easy on him? He would probably continue to attack with his ass and that was unacceptable.


"."

ooc:// Ktulu defends her knee by lowering her head and using her horn. She turns to face the direction Daemyn was running and backs away so his rump is near her shoulder. She bites at his butt but the force of her biting at him and his rump hitting her face hurts her mouth. She backs away and his hooves glance off of her shoulder. She then uses Eytan's terrorize ability to show him the Edge burning, Kaj and Kahlua mutilated, the healers and nurses with their throats slit open. While Eytan is using his terrorize ability she tries to choke him then charges with the intent of using her horn to slice his right side up.

And she's really offended that he attacked her with his butt. Really. xD

1/3
Word Count: 800

@[Daemyn]

Image Credits

Icon by Tay

Daemyn Posts: 45
Outcast atk: 4 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Equine :: 16.1 :: 5(Tall Sun) HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mato :: Caucasian Shepherd Dog :: None Mouse
#6
<style> .alija i { color: #E3B07B; } .alija a { font-variant: normal; font-size: 10px; color: #B28779; opacity: .5; } </style>
The stud's lilac eyes flashed towards the silver black face hoping to see her reaction. Was she surprised, or had she been expecting the sudden change of direction? Her snort told him that he had confused her. Anger seared through him much like the pain her horn caused. The flash of agony seared through the side of his neck. Instead of being as startled by the faint as he had hoped for; she had jumped to her own defense throwing her dagger down to meet him. Blood dripped from the shallow gash that stated near the middle of his neck ending two inches from the initial point. Roaring his defiance Daemyn knew rearing, like his instincts wanted, would be a very bad choice. That horn could easily rip through a lot more than the skin it had caught. Amethyst eyes caught her spinning and backing up. 'Crap!' His plan had been foiled, she was just as quick, if not more than he was. What breeds did she hold within her lineage? Brow furrowed against the anger and pain he realized it was much to late to throw himself away. His muscular frame was already moving sideways towards her shoulder, instead of his intended target.

Alabaster flashed from dark lips as her teeth clamped shut on his rump, but it wasn't just teeth that caused burning pain. Her whole jaw seemed to have made contact with muscular hips. Blood now oozed from his neck and butt, great! He could feel the bruise growing already, but bruises were easy to ignore. Rage pounded through the silver haired man as her words flooded pinned harks. It was all washed away, however, as the bear charged forward. His roar rippled through his brain leaving images in it's wake. Gory pictures of his leaders and healers, dead, flashed before bright eyes. "It's not real!" Thunder crashed violently as he fought the horrible ideas. Just as they left and his vision cleared he felt as if something had a hold of his throat. He wheezed trying to find the mare while air struggled to fill large lunges.

Pounding of hooves drew his attention away, back to the girl. 'Oh hell no!' Using what little oxygen he had the stallion threw himself to the right throwing his back legs out in an attempt to crash stripped hooves into her neck or face. Even if she turned with him his hooves would be waiting for her. Slamming back to the ground he gasped, pulling every last little bit of precious air in as he could. His heart hammered thinking quickly he turned again racing after her. If it worked, she would have been unable to stop her charge as quickly as he could. Hoping to be right behind her, or even to the side of her, the spotted male threw himself up before throwing himself back down. He wanted to slice her with his hooves, cut into her flesh, bruise all he could. If he was close enough, teeth flashed out trying to bit her flank or rump as well. Backing up quickly lilac eyes looked for the bear, he had to do everything in his power to avoid those massive claws.


----------------------------------------
Words Thoughts
Words;529
Tags; @[Ktulu]
Notes; 2/3 Daemyn didn't have time to avoid her horn, it cuts about two inches on the right side of his neck. Enraged he knows he doesn't have time to move away before her teeth bite into his butt. He then sees Kahula, Kaj, and the healers dead. He realizes it's not real and tries to fight them off, but not before Ktulu starts chocking him. He hears her coming and tries to dodge to the right as her magic wears off, before throwing his hooves out at her. With the kick he hopes to catch her face or neck. He hopes her momentum keeps her moving, so he turns and chases after her. Then he rears trying to slam his hooves down on her back, or rump. When he is back on all fours he tries to bite her flank rump. Then he backs away quickly looking for Eytan.

Ktulu the Constrictor Posts: 509
Outcast atk: 5.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.1 :: 7 HP: 70.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Eytan :: Grizzly Bear :: Terrorize ali
#7
Ktulu</style>
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming
i will reach inside just to find my heart is beating
</style>


The Constrictor's neck was wrenched as the tip of her horn cut into Daemyn's neck, but for her the accomplishment was unsatisfying. She would have preferred to have cleanly sliced into his flesh and not hurt her neck in the process, but the horn she had was meant more for stabbing than it was for slicing. Still, it had served her well and her legs had been protected from the young seargent's assault. She would take a sore neck over injured legs any day of the week. Ktulu was thoroughly baffled by the young stallion's attacks because it seemed to her as if he were flailing and hoping he would hit her rather than actually thinking through any single attack. It would not work in real battle and it made her wonder why he had been promoted to sergeant. Apparently Kaj had seen something in him that she couldn't and didn't.

Somehow in the process of getting her face bashed into Daemyn's hip she managed to grab his flesh between her teeth. She imagined for a brief moment what the outcome would be if she had been in her bear form or had lowered her head and used her horn just as Daemyn flung his hindquarters at her. No, she couldn't do that because it was a spar and Archibald would be angry with her if she maimed one of his sergeants and made them unuseful, though she wasn't entirely sure just how useful Daemyn was. Her teeth stayed clamped down on the other sergeant's flesh for as long as she could hold, but her mouth and face were sore from the force of the impact and she let go a lot sooner than she would have liked.

She was done with letting the boy try to throw in so many half-assed attacks and so she unleashed her own combined attack with Eytan. Her main goal was to use her horn to slice Daemyn's side from his butt to his hip, but somehow the boy managed to throw himself to the side and her horn was met with only air. Thankfully she did not slow down or she would have caught a pair of hooves to her already sore neck. 'Behind you!' Eytan yelled to his bonded, but she already heard the hooves pounding behind her. "You son of a bitch." She growled. How? How had he managed completely avoid her attack? It was as if her magic had been completely negated by him and it made anger bubble in her chest. She was a volcano ready to errupt and when she did she would take him down.

Hooves clipped the side of her haunches and she began to wonder what kind of stunts he was pulling to try and hit her. The idea that he was jumping like a frog behind her, trying to land on her, flashed through her mind and it was completly ridiculous. What was he even doing? Where did he learn to fight? Whatever land he came from must have been very, very strange if that was how they fought. Ktulu's thoughts were disrupted as his teeth clamped onto her flank. The dark mare began to slow and, in an attempt to dislodge Daemyn, she bucked low with the intention of her hooves hitting his legs. Ktulu continued to slow even after Daemyn had let go of her and when she looked back at him he wasn't even looking at her. Dark ears tilted back against her head in frustration. The uncomfortable shift of her body began and soon she was armed with sharp fangs and even sharper claws. "PAY ATTENTION!" She roared. "I AM YOUR OPPONENT!" She charged forward with the intention of using her now greater weight and bulkier build to slam into Daemyn and throw him off balance. If he turned and ran she would show him just how much damage a set of claws could do. A nice set of claw marks on his best weapon, his ass, would do nicely.



"."

ooc://
2/3
Word Count: 670

Summary: Ktulu's neck is injured when her horn cuts into Daemyn's neck. Her face is injured when his hip slams into it and she is unable to hold onto him as long as she wanted. His kick at her misses because she was running and didn't slow down. He manages to hit her hindquarters with his hooves while she runs and when he bites her she slows down enough buck low to kick at his legs. She then turns and when she sees that he isn't paying attention to her she shapeshifts into her bear form. She then charges forward with the intent of slamming into Daemyn and throwing him off balance. If he runs she is prepared to give chase and slash at him with her claws.

@[Daemyn]

Image Credits

Icon by Tay

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#8
21 days have passed, Daemyn defaults to Ktulu

Partial judging requested.

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: KTULU is the winner!

DAEMYN
Realism [-2]
I really liked your first post because you began with strong realism, particularly those extra tidbits of mentioning how he accounts for the dew on the grass (surroundings) and considering her speed and his agility with his attacks (stats and breed refs), which was awesome! The methodology behind your attacks, although I did feel like you had too many attacks piled up back to back, all the while staying in one spot and assuming Ktulu was too. You don’t earn more damage with more attacks, and you can easily distort timing and positioning the more you make, so I suggest sticking more around 2. Three, like you did, is doable, but it can get sticky depending on your description.

By your second post however, reality got a bit stretched. I did like that you took damage from her horn defense and described its injury well. I also appreciated that you took both her and her companion’s magic attacks, however you did not seem to be affected much by them, particularly the strangling magic Ktulu used. Yes, you did mention that you saw the images, but you shook it off really quickly and easily. Yes, you did mention you felt choked, and tried to suck in air a few times throughout the post, but it certainly didn’t impede your evasive or offensive tactics like being choked really should have done, so again you shook off the magic really quickly and easily. Overall in this post I didn’t feel you took enough injury, given that Ktulu rolled a damage of 6, the highest she could have.

Furthermore, in your second post you manage to completely evade her charge attack, directly after being choked, or at least I think you evaded it because you never really detail if it hit or missed, you just go right into your own attack where you kick out at her. The positioning doesn’t make sense though because she came at you head on, and you never mentioned whirling around to throw your hind feet at her, you just say you went to the right (which was actually into her attack, but more on that under readability). You then describe charging after her, however Ktulu never said she kept on going, her post ended with her last attack. You describe trying to slice her with your hooves, which although can happen from hooves, especially if they’re very chipped, is not highly probably since they are blunt, rounded objects meant more for forceful impact that stabbing or slicing. You end with backing up from her, which is a slow, cumbersome movement that most horses avoid.

You also state in your second post: “If it worked, she would have been unable to stop her charge as quickly as he could.” I don’t mind if you say you’re fast, because you do have a good speed stat, but you cannot say he is faster or more agile than her because she has greater speed and equal agility!


Emotion [-1]
Over the course of the fight your emotion felt incredibly lacking, or at times nonsensical, as with his first post where he abruptly changes his mind about mares fighting, even after his entire life he’d been told something else. I’m not saying your character couldn’t change his mind about that, but it seems like a growth that would have been gradual or mentioned more often than the cursory drop it was given. I still never understood at the end of the fight why he was even fighting her.


Prose [+1]
Your prose was not choppy and had a certain maintained style, but I’d really love to see more imagery and advanced words applied throughout your posts to get a better feeling of prose construction.


Readability [-3]
Overall your posts were incredibly difficult to get through from a grammar aspect, and though most of your writing itself was clear, there were a few times where directions got changed up and made it difficult to follow the fight. Please take the time to read through your posts before posting them.

Post 1: You said he threw his butt to the right and hopefully into her, but a few sentences prior you said he feinted to her right side, but ran towards her left side, biting at her left knee, and tried to stop at her side with his butt hopefully past her teeth. This would place her at his left, not his right.
“...black and bronze body taking in her scars and muscles.” (comma after body)
“...arched his neck channeling the…” (comma after neck)
“The rage that had been sown deep by a young bastard king.” (fragment)
“...own that mare's were allowed…” (apostrophe not needed)
“...new revaluation the…” (revelation)
“... before him, she was going…” (semi colon rather than comma)
“His own height; she was built on the lighter side, but he could see the power in her, as well as her bear.” (This sentence doesn’t make sense)
“Moving swiftly, the stallion fainted to her right…” (feinted)
“...hopping to make it to sore to …” (hoping, too sore)
“...slip passed her…” (past)
“Snorting as his resolve hardened clearing his mind of all thoughts but this fight.” (sentence doesn’t make sense)
“...off balance maybe even into the bear.” (needs an and or a comma before maybe)
“...would be to much to ask for right?” (too much)

Post 2: You said he evaded by going to his right, but Ktulu said she was attacking his right, so this wouldn’t have helped him.
“Anger seared through him much like the pain her horn caused.” (comma before much. Also careful, you write this before you write her horn hitting him, so the timing of this is all screwy).
“...by the faint as….” (feint)
“...hoped for; she had…” (needs a comma not a semi colon)
“...own defense throwing…” (comma before throwing)
“...that stated near …” (started)
“...his neck ending two…” (comma before ending)
“Roaring his defiance Daemyn…” (comma before Daemyn, although those first three words really don’t fit with the way you structured the sentence)
“...and pain he realized…” (...pain. He…)
“...was much to late…” (too late)
“His roar rippled through his brain…” (because you’re referring to 2 different males, I need clarification of the subject)
“...in it's wake.” (its)
“Thunder crashed violently as he fought the horrible ideas. “ (Where did the thunder come from all the sudden? If it’s a metaphor or a simile it needs to be phrased as such).
“His heart hammered thinking quickly…” (...hammered. Thinking…)
“...again racing after…” (comma before racing)
“...out trying to bit her flank…” (bite)


Finally tally: 37+(-5*2) = 27 HP

*******************************************

KTULU
Realism [+1.5]
You have a strong sense of fighting mechanics regarding timing, positioning, and just the general capability of a horse. What I would really like to see from you is more attention paid to surroundings and breed/stat differences. I had no idea, other than your OOC note, what or where or when they were fighting. It could have been grass or marshmallows they stood on for all I knew.

Your first post had strong attacks, but I needed you to clarify with your defense to his first attack, as to whether or not it hit. You said she lowered her horn as a defense, but then what? He still attacked, so there still needs to be a definitive miss or hit. I did appreciate you taking self inflicted damage when biting for his rear right as he threw it into her. You were clipped by his buck, but the injury wasn’t detailed enough.

“She had managed to back away enough so that his flank was near her shoulder...” Careful, slight powerplaying here. re-phrase to: “...his flank should be near her shoulder…”

In your second post I again appreciated your self sustained injury as your neck was twinged by that previous horn defense. I needed more description when you shifted into a bear because it was hard to grasp that’s what was actually happening. Additionally given that Daemyn rolled a damage of 5 you needed to sustain a lot more injuries in this post than a twinged neck (technically, time wise, in your prior post), and a small bite.


Emotion [+1]
Throughout the fight I didn’t get much emotion from your posts other than a general dislike for him and some frustration/confusion at his attacks. I really wanted to get more inside her head than be told what was in her head, so that I could feel like I knew Ktulu when she was fighting.

"You throw your ass around like a mare in heat!" (lol!)


Prose [+3]
You had lovely, consistent prose with great flow and vocabulary.


Readability [+2]
Only a few concerns in your first post as far as grammar and understanding positioning, otherwise it was easy to read.

Post 1: You say she thunders into her charge, but they should still be close with the way you wrote it? You also attack on his right side, but they were left to left.
“...Daemyn's mouth Ktulu assumed…” (comma after mouth)
“...her knee because she….” (comma after knee)
“...back away more but Daemyn…” (comma after more)
“...the healers and nurses throat's …” (the s on the healers and nurses needs the apostrophe, not throats)
“...seriously but how…” (comma before but)


Finally tally: 48=(7.5*2) = 63 HP


Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture