the Rift


[PRIVATE] I'm Sorry, Miss Jackson

Roskuld the Sparklight Posts: 424
World's Edge General atk: 7.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Tribrid :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 82 | Buff: ENDURE
Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#1





Back in the day, the last time I had come here, it had been because I was tired of running. Running--that was the type of shit I did back then. Just run and run and run until it made my brain fuzzy and numb, and after that run some more all the way until I couldn’t suck enough air into my chest even if I tried. I remember the freedom of running, too, and how good it made me feel, how awesome the wind in my mane was. Somewhere along the line the flying hooves gave way to flailing hooves and, now, the most relaxing thing to me was getting a new scar in my collection (it was coming along nicely).


Here I was, now. The sun was going down (this time) and even though there was still a little bit of gold sprayed between the oaks (that were still big as hell), it was fading, fading, fading fast. I wasn’t even winded (this time) as I stopped and leaned against the thick, solid bulk of a trunk, resting a shoulder against it, leaning on it, soaking in the smell of the forest, allowing the quiet of this huge-ass forest surround me, sedate me, wrap me in a blankie that protected me from all my worries for just a little while…


...Except no because I was a little older now, a little older and wiser and dumber all in the same run, at the same time, and my head knew better and my heart was getting calloused and the vague smell of a past that I had long since lost did nothing to me now but make that clenching ache in my chest clench even tighter than before. I didn’t even realize I sucked in my breath, that I was holding it for as long as I was--I didn’t feel it when I got dizzy, because, maybe, I was already drowning in a sense of vertigo.


The memories kept coming--faster and faster and faster and there was no way to stop them, so I just let them run through my head and stab me down and bite me and clobber me with their ideas, their implications--


(--no, no, no, no Jiji, don’t cry, don’t cry because I suck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Ji--)


I sighed--or, at least, I would have, if I were breathing. The birds chirped around me and there was a breeze somewhere close that I couldn’t smell, and I was letting the memories do their job well and truly, and if I were letting myself breathe I would be able to smell the person I already knew was creeping up, like the shade of the past I was trying to hold onto (and let go)--


(“I owe everyone and their ma—even MY Ma—I owe—I OWE EVERY GOD DAMNED HORSE anything and everything I am and if it’s not enough—)


I was trying my damndest to suffocate myself, I’m sure--but the gasp was torn from me and I was forced to breathe and my chest started heaving, and after all that the pretense was done, the shallow game was over, and it was time to face...something.

“I know you’re there.”



@[Ranjiri]
Roskuld</style>



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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#2



Do you ever feel like you're drowning? Just suffocating under the weight of everything that could go wrong and did? I felt like my world was falling apart around me, everything that was precious to me was just ripped away and destroyed. First was you when the darkness had taken over my body, made me say and do things that I would normally never do. My own stupidity drove Cera away and I could only hope that I'd be able to mend what I had broken. Then Hototo was ripped away and I could only watch, useless as ever.

What good was I? What was my purpose? What reason did I have to even exist?

I don't know how long I was in the forest (days? hours? weeks?) but I trusted that Cera would see that Ryuu stayed out of trouble. Even if he hated me he still cared for Ryuu. I needed the time to try to clear my head, come to terms with what I had witnessed, but I couldn't seem to. I didn't understand why it had all taken place. What was the reason behind the Moon God ripping families apart? It was just so .... so evil.

I felt like was barely keeping my head above the water, but I was surviving. All of that came undone when I smelled you. I very nearly turned tail and ran, probably would have if you wouldn't have spoken and said that you knew I was there. I barely breathed as I moved toward you. When I did finally step out so you could see me I kept scarred shoulder pressed tight against a tree. "Hey..." I murmured because I didn't know what else to say. Sorry seemed like a better place to start, but I didn't think you'd accept my apology.

"."

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Roskuld the Sparklight Posts: 424
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Mare :: Tribrid :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 82 | Buff: ENDURE
Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#3





I closed my eyes to the sound of her voice. Her voice--it’d been years since I’d heard it, now that I thought about it. My throat caught at the roughness of it, but it was to be expected I guess (because Toto was--). I sighed something really heavy, my whole chest rocking with the weight in it. I didn’t want to look at her for some reason--I delayed it, procrastinated, my lids shut but my eyes darting everywhere underneath, as though they were trying to look anywhere but the image of her in my head and there was no way to escape from it. I bit the bullet; I tore my eyes open, I turned on my heel to look at her and oh god oh god oh god--

--oh god oh god no please no no no no no no no no no no no no--

--it was like there was a flash in my mind’s eye and I was watching lightning streak across my vision and shoot right for her and I could remember the laughter the laughter the laughter and the rage I had felt when I had tried to--

--tried to hurt her--

--but I was so sure that it hadn't have been her, it couldn't have been Jiji saying those things, shoving the shank further in--

--stabbing me--

--hurting me--

--and maybe I was right. Maybe it hadn’t have been her.

Maybe it was like Hotness, that guy who had set me on fire during a fight, the guy who had been put under a spell of darkness (that I had seen, that I had seen) that forced him to commit those heinous acts. Maybe it was the same thing, and Jiji had been put under a rancid influence that caused her flesh to die away and the words she spoke to be even more rotten and unforgivable.

Which didn’t matter.

Because it had still used her mouth.

It had still used her body.

(That I had scarred.)

It was a long, angry looking thing that jagged its way down the length of her left side, as healed as it was ever gonna get. My eyes bugged as I saw it; I took a step closer, completely stricken dumb, my mouth hanging open and my throat croaking things that made no sense but no no no no no no please no and a pain that was dripping from the leave and and the water and everywhere and I’m not sure how much more of these reminders of my failure I could take but here they were, the world seemingly built out of them, the underworld full from it, my poor Jiji scarred and her brother dead by--

--by someone I couldn’t forgive.

“Ji…” I croaked, and even I wondered what I meant by it.




Roskuld</style>



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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#4



How many times would we go through this? How many times would we be separated for so damn long and then reunited? How many times would we stare at one another, dumbstruck and blaming ourselves for our shortcomings? For our failures? You may have failed to expose the Moon Goddess sooner but I hadn't even tried. I stayed tucked away in the Throat with Cera and Ryuu and I pretended that the world wasn't shit so Ryuu wouldn't be terrified of everything. And what did it get me? What good did it do anyone? You will probably blame yourself forever, but at least you tried.

I couldn't be sure what was going through your mind as you stared at me and I tried hard to keep my scar hidden from view. I should have known that you'd see it. I should have known that you would stare wide-eyed, mouth agape, your throat making noises that made no sense. You probably don't believe me, but I don't blame you for it. I had said terrible things to you, tried to hurt you. If our positions had been reversed and I'd been forced to defend myself I probably would have done the same as you. I just wonder how much you blame me for it or if you resent me because of the things I said. I could never apologize enough.

I'll admit that it felt good, sounded downright heavenly to hear you say my name. The last time I had even heard your voice you were screaming at me, angry and sounding like you were ready to put me in the ground. I think at that point I would have welcomed it because that thing had hurt so many that I cared about. My eyes watered and I blinked, trying to fight back the tears that seemed to come every time we were reunited. "I love you, too, Ros."

"."

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Roskuld the Sparklight Posts: 424
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Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#5




*"I love you, too, Ros."*

My gut and my scar-tissue twisted--and then practically ripped apart when I saw her eyes glittering with those things I was getting good at seeing (too many of them, too many). Something broke within me, some reservoir of bull shit that cracked apart in the face of Jiji’s--love. How the hell could she still love someone like me? How could—didn’t I warn her how much I sucked? I know I did, and here we are—a scar running down the side of her body, ropy and angry, and her brother dead because I didn’t handle the shit like I was supposed to, and her eyes flooding with tears at my very appearance—

--and she still loved me.

Shit,” I breathed, the air forced out of me, like the wind itself had been knocked out of me, slapping the fuck out of me and curb-stomping me into the dirt; I looked into her red eyes and I was floored and I couldn’t take the stuff that was heaping on me, leaping at me, pulling me and pushing me and there was a glimmer at the base of her tail and and and—

--I started walking towards her—no, not really walking, more like a lumbering bum rush that took even me off guard. But I couldn’t take the distance between us anymore; my heartgut scars were pulsing and pus was leaking and they were healing but still so painful and I—

--I needed my Jiji again.

Just one more time.

“I’m sorry,” came the words, rough and rushed out of my mouth, as I game upon her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Ji—“ I reached toward her with my muzzle; I made to swing my head over her neck, to draw her close to me, and touch her and feel her again, bask in her scent again, like I used to; because once upon a time just being near her was enough to soothe whatever kind of hurt I had, from embarrassment to a sprained neck from pulling a hard head out of a tree.

Fuck it. I couldn’t let go of my past. I needed to--I should have, but...




Roskuld</style>



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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#6



I don't think you will ever understand why I love you as much as I do, or why I'll always love you that much. Its because when I think back to the best parts of my childhood I always think of you. You and your energetic eyes, your mischievous smile, your 'take on the world attitude'. When I think about comfort I think about the two of us laying together fast asleep without a care in the world or any concern about how crappy things would get when we were older. When I think about happiness I'm taken back to our adventures, to when you got your head stuck in the tree, to just talking about nothing and everything at the same time. You were more than just my cousin. You were my best friend, my sister, my other half, and that'll never change. No matter what you do or how much distance there is between us I will always love you.

I hated that you looked and sounded so sad, but I probably looked and sounded the same way, afterall, I had lost my big brother after not seeing him for so long. I didn't blame you for not stopping it, though. As much as it hurts to think it was probably Hototo's destiny to do what he did and save who he saved. We cannot fight gods and we cannot fight destiny or fate.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Ji-"

My head lowered so you could put your neck over mine and draw me close. I admit that it felt good to be that close again, though I wish it was under better circumstances. "It'll be okay." I murmured because I believed in the long run that we would be okay. We might still have wounds, we might still have our hurts, but as long as we still had each other we would be okay.

"."

@[Roskuld]

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Roskuld the Sparklight Posts: 424
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Mare :: Tribrid :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 82 | Buff: ENDURE
Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#7




Shit you’re tall,” I whispered into her mane as I held her—and something foolish rose up in my throat like a laugh. I squeezed my eyes against the less-foolish stuff that wanted to rise too, the stuff I was sick of; I shook my head a little against her neck, and my chuckle was a weak one. “When the hell did that happen…?”

So much time lost. So much that’s happened since I woke up one night, nestled against her—larger than she was for the first time, larger than I needed to be, with a mind that wasn’t entirely my own. I could still feel the pain of my first stumbling steps; the confusion that followed me like a whirlwind as I abandoned her (for the first time) in our bedding. I remember how I felt the world was ending; how it had been plunged into night, and I was forced to fight, and get lost in the desert, and fumble around uselessly for no reason at all. To hold the time in my hands—and flail so hard that it was able to fly away from me.

And now I know that it was only the beginning.

* "It'll be okay."*

I sighed deeply against her, my breath rattling as I sucked it in. Fuck you if you laugh but she smelled so good and felt so amazing and oh god I missed her voice and everything and it was crashing down on me, little by little, covering the sadness in our union like a velvet shroud. And it was so perfect just to stand there with her, so right, that I hated to bring the truth in the mix, the awful reality that separated us in the first place. I hated to do it—I wish I could’ve just kept my mouth shut and play the nut-bucket role.

But I can’t lie.

“No, Jiji,” I said deeply, doing the hardest thing ever by pulling away from her so I could look her in the eye. “No,” I said again, shaking my head, “This isn’t…this isn’t done.” My eyes were heavy as I looked into the crimson pools of stuff that her eyes always were to me. “This is only the beginning.

My mouth twisted bitterly, and the truth kept falling out of my mouth, even though I hated that it was doing. “I couldn’t stop the infection in you,” I said heavily, “I told you I was gonna and I didn’t do it. I’ve abandoned you….how many times?” I shook my head so hard it felt like I was trying to throw it. “Doesn’t matter. Too many. It… I’m…” My breath caught as I tried to find the words, but it was hard to talk and look at her all at the same time (shut up). “I’m not….good for you, Ji. I can’t—I asked you to follow me and look what happened.” I paused, unsure of myself and the path I was going with this. Because in all honesty I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say, but my mouth has this amazing ability to spit the right words even if my brain has shit-thinking skills. “Look at you now. We haven’t seen each other in years and you’re…Dammit Ji, you’re glowing gold. And it was true that she looked hurt in her face, that her body was pulling in a way that only pain could do—but I was still speaking truth, and beauty ain’t easily fucked-up by emotions.

“I can’t ask you to follow me again,” I was saying, the line drawn in the sand before I even knew there was a stick, “I can’t…ask you to do that. I can—please, just be careful for me, okay? Just…watch yourself.” And my voice caught, then, because I really wasn’t sure what I was saying anymore—and it sounded an awful lot like a goodbye. This is only the beginning.”





@[Ranjiri]
Roskuld</style>



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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#8
Ranjiri</style>
in this world full of people there's one killing me
and if we only die once i wanna die with you
</style>



I can't begin to explain just how much my heart sank when you said that everything we were going through wasn't done, that it was just the beginning. I wanted so badly for the pain to be over and for the healing to begin that I very nearly started bawling like a newborn. "What?" I settled for instead, blinking in confusion as you continued on with your explanation. "But..." I tried to interrupt, but you continued talking, blaming yourself for my infection when it wasn't your fault. "Ros..." I tried again only to be drowned out by you telling me that you're not good for me. "Dammit Ros, shut up for a second!" And finally you were quiet long enough for me to speak. "Yeah, you asked me to follow you and what did I do? I wandered off on my own, got myself infected because I didn't stick by you. Its not your fault what happened to me. Its mine and I took responsibilty for it a long time ago. Stop trying to take credit for my screw ups."

“Look at you now. We haven’t seen each other in years and you’re…Dammit Ji, you’re glowing gold.”

"It hasn't been that long." I countered, frowning. "What do you mean glowing gold? Are you saying I'm happy?" I didn't know what else that statement could have meant, but if it was supposed to mean that I was happy it couldn't have been further from the truth. "I'm not happy." I clarified. "I haven't been happy for a long time." How could I be when everyone I loved was disappearing? I had Cera and Ryuu and I always wondered when they were going to disappear, too.

I didn't think my heart could have sunken any further, but then you spoke again and it sounded too much like a 'goodbye'. "What?" I couldn't hide the hurt in my voice or the fresh tears that welled in my eyes. "Are... are you saying bye?" I didn't want to hear it. I was too tired of watching you waltz back into my life and then walk away again, leaving me to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. "Goddammit Roskuld!" I snorted. "Don't you tell me goodbye! Its all you ever tell me!" I just didn't understand the motivation behind what you were doing. Trying to keep me safe? There's no such thing as safe. "I can decide for myself whats best for me and who isn't good for me. Its my decision to make!" I was so tired of everyone trying to protect me instead of letting me live. "Don't you tell me goodbye." I repeated.

"."

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Roskuld the Sparklight Posts: 424
World's Edge General atk: 7.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6
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Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#9




Somewhere along the way, it was turning into a fight and I wasn’t sure which one of us had started swingin’.

*"Dammit Ros, shut up for a second!"*

And whadaya know? I did shut up for a second, if only because my voice had become tangled and confused with Jiji’s sudden shouting. I blinked and watched the passion rise in her face and color her eyes and she was biting my head off and I was struggling to put the pieces together—

*”I wandered off on my own, got myself infected because I didn't stick by you. Its not your fault what happened to me.”*

“I should have been there anyway Ji!” I finally found my voice, my fists, and I was swinging back at her—but it wasn’t rage that propelled my words, rather a searing, manic terror at my own mistakes, a need to have them scrutinized, acknowledged and rightfully punished. “I knew there was darkness and I should’ve been there to protect you anyway and whatever, if you wanna take credit for the infection--fine! Take credit! But you can’t just disregard a big-ass SCAR--“ my voice broke a little bit here—“—like it ain’t no big deal! I can’t just look at you and see the mess and not remember the lighting pouring outta me and right at you! I did that shit, okay? And even though both of our voices were raised, she was a blazing sun and I was nothing but a hot mess.

*"What do you mean glowing gold? Are you saying I'm happy? I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time."*

Well shit. She was twisting my arm and I had to spell out exactly what was on my mind when I said that. “I didn’t mean—it wasn’t—“ I stumbled a bit, before something in me said “fuck it” and I belted it out: “—I MEANT YOU’RE FUCKING GORGEOUS JI! SHIT! And I’m not sure how much of a compliment it could be when it was pulled from me, torn up and bloody and ROARED like it was, but there it was anyway, laid out and vulnerable and weird and gross and as honest as I could make it.

But I didn’t miss the meaning in her words: she was unhappy. It made my chest pull and my eyes grow tight and I wanted to take her and put my head across her back again and pull her close and curb-stomp the shit that was eating her life like that—

--but I didn’t go back to her. Because, in my head, how could I deserve to be her knight? What gave me justification to take away her pain? All I knew what to do with pain was feel it; all I knew what to do with it was cause it.

*"Goddammit Roskuld! Don't you tell me goodbye! It’s all you ever tell me!"*

Case in point.

She was rearing up at me again and I was gonna rear up at her and I hated to do it—I hated to raise my voice and push back, but she was missing the way she tugged at my heartstrings so hard, hard enough to break open a flesh-wound that would probably never, never begin to heal.
“And if I don’t tell you goodbye,” I said in a rough voice, half-way deranged, tormented, “If I don’t, if we just sort of piddle around doing what we’re doing and you-- My breath hitched, “Or if I-- I began panting from the panic rising in me, sudden and powerful, stripping the breath out of my throat and pulling it down to darkness somewhere in there.

I shook my head; I squeezed my eyes shut. I grit my teeth because there was something rising other than words trying to come out, and they never, ever could leave me. “I didn’t tell Ho--I didn’t tell him—“ I began, my throat shattering despite my best attempts to hold it together, “…I never said ‘goodbye’ to him.” It hissed through me; wild and free, escaped from my grasp. And now it’s too late.”

When I opened my eyes and looked at Ji again, they were probably glossier than they should have been, and it would have been awful but I had to let her know--I had to let her see. “If something happened to you,” I choked out, “and I never got the chance to…to say…” I dropped my head, shaking it again. Words were never my strong suit.






@[Ranjiri]
Roskuld</style>



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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#10
Ranjiri</style>
in this world full of people there's one killing me
and if we only die once i wanna die with you
</style>


Arguing with you was like arguing with a tree with the exception that I would get farther with the tree than I ever would with you. Even as I tried to tell you that my infection was my own fault you still insisted that you should have been there to protect me and, yes, part of me wished that you were there to protect me. It was the logical part of myself that knew that if you had been there you probably would have been infected, too, and it probably would have been by me. It was hard enough for me to accept that I'd had a part in spreading the infection that had racked my body, I would never be able to forgive myself if I had infected you. I flinched as you pointed out the scar on my side that I'd tried to keep hidden. I should have known that I would never be able to keep anything hidden from your keen eyes. "It doesn't matter." I said weakly, but I thought my voice was probably lost because you were continuing to talk. "Its healed and I didn't feel it. And besides, it makes me look like a hard-ass."

I hated this. I hated that we were shouting at one another when all I wanted was for you to hug me and hold me and make me feel safe and protected and loved like when we were young. Every little argument we had was like a dagger in my chest, twisting its way closer to my heart until the tip of it finally pierced it and bled every drop of feeling and emotion from my entire being. I could feel the blade getting closer and closer to its target and when you shouted at me what you had meant by glowing gold my heart was finally pierced. Tears flooded my eyes and I had to look away from you to ... anywhere else. The ground, my hooves, the tree tops, the squirrel that sat perched on a branch watching us as if we were the most fascinating thing it had ever seen. It didn't hurt my feelings that you had called me gorgeous. What hurt was that I wasn't gorgeous enough to keep you from disappearing and leaving me behind.

Then you dug the knife deeper by telling me goodbye.

"And if I don’t tell you goodbye, If I don’t, if we just sort of piddle around doing what we’re doing and you-- Or if I-- I didn’t tell Ho--I didn’t tell him— .... I never said ‘goodbye’ to him. And now it’s too late.”

"I didn't, either!" I cried out when you brought up Hototo. The last time I had seen he had hardly spoken a word before he flew away and left me behind. The time before that he had promised me that he would visit me and he never did. It was right around the same time you left and it started the never ending pattern in my life of everyone I loved leaving me behind. You. Hototo. Momma. Daddy.

“If something happened to you and I never got the chance to…to say…”

"Don't tell me goodbye." I repeated myself. "Just ... don't. Please don't tell me goodbye." Could you not see how much it hurt me? I didn't want to hear the finality of it. I just ... I didn't want to hear it. "Please. Goodbye .... it means going away and I don't want you to go away. I want you here with me. It means so much time passing that you forget the important stuff and ... and ... I don't want to forget." I whispered. "I want to remember everything." I tried to keep my voice from cracking, but it was impossible. I tried to will away my tears, but they slowly made their way down my cheeks. "I want to remember your voice and the way you look at me because no one looks at me the way you do. I want to remember your silly blue hair and the way your face looks when you're embarrassed. And ... I want to remember how much I love you. I don't want that to fade away with time."

"."

@[Roskuld]

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Roskuld the Sparklight Posts: 424
World's Edge General atk: 7.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Tribrid :: 15.3 :: 6 HP: 82 | Buff: ENDURE
Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#11




*"It doesn't matter…Its healed and I didn't feel it.”*

I was crumbling. No, actually—I felt like she was trying her damnest to make me explode. If I had hands, I’d be yanking my hair out over her absolute refusal to see what I’d done. To know how much it ripped me up inside to see her ruined, ropy flesh spread across her whole left side. How much it gutted me, nauseated me, to see my own work, preserved on her warm skin and dark pelt that I had loved so much before—that I still loved, that I couldn’t get away from no matter how long I stayed away, no matter how fast I ran, no matter how hard I fought and cracked myself upside the head.

I loved Jiji. I couldn’t deny it (have I ever tried to?). And look what I was doing to her, by loving her so hard—look at how much pain she was in because I wanted her safe. Look!. Her tears bubbled and my chest cracked and they started spilling down her cheeks and I was pacing in place, my hooves dancing worriedly underneath me, unsure and throbbing with everything I didn’t know how to handle. What could I do to stop her tears when every move I made was a wound in her heart?

How could I love her?

How could she love me?

HOW COULD SHE LOVE ME?

*"Please. Goodbye .... it means going away and I don't want you to go away.”*

"I…” I don’t wanna go away ‘neither, I wanted to say—but the words balled up in my throat, stuck and scratchy and bulky with the truth that kept my tongue clean. Because I didn’t want to leave her—but how could I stand in her shadow, when all I ever did was make her cry?

*”It means so much time passing that you forget the important stuff and ... and ... I don't want to forget."*

"I…” I said again, a fucking broken record, useless and gaping at her reluctant tears. But her words had hit me harder than she thought—like, I actually felt the right-hook straight in my gut, winding me and casting me to the ground. Because time was somewhere in my blood, but even I couldn’t stop it for her.

(How could she love me?)

*"I want to remember your voice and the way you look at me because no one looks at me the way you do. I want to remember your silly blue hair and the way your face looks when you're embarrassed.”*

"Fuck off,” is what ended up jumping out of my mouth, pulled forward by her words about my silly blue hair and the embarrassment on my face. But my words were weak and wispy, bogged down with so many other things that lay in there, and the anger was nonexistent. Then—get this—my dumbass laughed, a sad little chuckle dancing its way out of my lips, making me dip my head down to hide the way my face looks when I’m embarrassed.

(How could she love me?)

*”... I want to remember how much I love you. I don't want that to fade away with time."*

But how—

--how—

how--

“How could you love me?” It finally slipped from my tongue; along with a wetness I wasn’t about to admit to anytime soon. I shook my head again, ponderously—clearly riding the struggle buss, because something inside me wanted out and I was too blocked up with bullshit to let it out. "How…why me? I looked at her too bright eyes, their bloodshot sogginess, and how they bubbled both from the depths of her heart and the sting of agony that I was giving her. But she still cried for me. She still loved me.

"….what did I do to deserve you?” I breathed.







@[Ranjiri]
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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
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#12
Ranjiri</style>
in this world full of people there's one killing me
and if we only die once i wanna die with you
</style>



"Fuck off.

Despite the words that came out of your mouth I smiled because it was so much like you to try and diffuse a situation that was becoming very emotional. I hated crying in front of you because I knew how it made you feel, but I couldn't help myself. Every time you were near my emotions went haywire, constantly spinning from happy to sad, to relief to annoyance, and then right back to happy again because you were there. You were real and you were standing in front of me and you were okay despite the dangerous world that we lived in.

“How could you love me?”

I didn't understand how you could ask me that question. To me it was like asking 'Why do you breathe?' I couldn't explain it, I just did, but if you wanted to know I could try. "I just ... I just do. I always have." Maybe I couldn't explain it. I didn't understand the way that love worked but I knew what it felt like. "I think it would be easier to explain how the Gods came to be than to explain why or how I could love you." I felt bad that I couldn't give you the answer that you wanted, but you kept asking, wanting to know why you and it made me frown. "Why not you?"

"….what did I do to deserve you?”

Yet another question that I didn't have an answer to. "I don't know..." Could you even deserve anyone? "I just ... I just love you." And I couldn't imagine not loving you. "Its ... I guess its what they call unconditional? It doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to. I don't think its something meant to be understood, just something meant to be felt, given, and returned." And I would give until I had nothing left to give.

"."

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#13




*"I think it would be easier to explain how the Gods came to be than to explain why or how I could love you.*

And it was this and—well, I guess it was that smile too, that thing that was trying to spread across a tear-soaked face that finally got me.

I kinda lost it at that point. The soggy laughter barked out of me again, except now it was more than a brief ripple this time; it tumbled out of me, raucous and sad and baffled but still falling from me in bubbles and waves so hard it made my shoulders shake. Figures her love would be a mystery. Figures it would leave her speechless (too).

Why not me, she was asking. Why shouldn’t I deserve someone like her? Millions of reasons flew through my head, some I’d tried to tell her already, others that left me tongue-tied, and some that had no words at all—just feelings, anxieties, ideas and fervent beliefs. All of them swirled in my head—stopped up and blocked, because I was still laughing and my cheeks were starting to hurt and there was wetness coming down that I couldn’t feel, couldn’t stop, even if I wanted to, but I was too busy laughing to speak my mind and spit the truth at her.

*“It doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to. I don't think it’s something meant to be understood, just something meant to be felt, given, and returned."*

“Fine,” I said, somehow finding my tongue buried beneath the sticky, sour sniggering that lingered there. Fine,” I said again, a hoarse push passed my lips. That shove opened a floodgate I guess, the gates of something I had been keeping back, scared to unleash, unwilling to even consider the possibility of it. How could I hold her again, when all I did was scar her? How could I speak, when my words just make her cry?

(--felt, given, and returned--)

I snorted, and with a feeling of rusty hinges being broken open and freed—my joints moved, and I approached her again.

I didn’t hold her like the last time, though. I just came close to her—dangerously, perilously close—my nose brushing the crook of her neck, just there, maybe even the hint of lip against her hide. Fine,” I said again, but my voice had dropped and the push was gone and all there was left was rough silk, something throaty and defeated. “I told you I sucked,” I murmured against her—her air, her presence, her scent that wouldn’t leave me, “Told you flat out I was wrong for you.” The chuckle slipped out again before I could stop it—shaking my shoulders as it rocked from my throat. “But your stubborn ass won’t listen,” I kept going, my voice still that barest trace of something that didn’t even try to analyze. “Fine. Fine. Love me if you’re hell-bent on it.” I sighed. “And I’ll do it back as best I can.”

What could I do? What could I do? She had me in a headlock; she had me pinned in the dirt, rubbing it in my face. Slain. All I wanted to do was protect her—keep her safe, alive, and this trick didn’t feel like listening, wanted to raise up and fight my type of love even when my hooves swung for her. Fuck it. I tried. But that wasn’t what my Jiji wanted from me.

(--felt, given, and returned--)

I sighed again, my eyes still closed—but that was probably to protect me against this sense of vertigo I was undergoing. I thought back to what she had said—about how she hadn’t been happy for a long time. And my chest pulled at the thought again, and I knew she hurt even more than I did over To—over—over her brother’s passing. But that was a thing that had just happened—it didn’t explain everything over the seasons.

“Why ain’t you been happy, Ji?” I asked, rumbling traces of words on my teeth.



@[Ranjiri]
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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
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#14
Ranjiri</style>
in this world full of people there's one killing me
and if we only die once i wanna die with you
</style>


"I told you I sucked."

"I don't care."

“Told you flat out I was wrong for you.”

"That's my decision to make."

“But your stubborn ass won't listen. Fine. Fine. Love me if you’re hell-bent on it. And I’ll do it back as best I can.”

That's all I wanted more than anything else in the world. I wanted you to let me love you. To stop trying to push me away whenever I got close and for you to love me in return. But even if you vehemently denied me, told me not to love you, pushed and pushed me away I would still love you. I stood still as stone through our exchange even though ever fiber of my being wanted me to close the sliver of distance that you had kept between us and touch you. I had spent so long without you that now that you were finally within my grasp I wanted to hold onto you and not let go. I knew in my heart, though, that you would slip away from me again and I would be left waiting, but I would wait however long it took to see you again.

"Why ain’t you been happy, Ji?”

"Its ..." I wanted to say it wasn't important right at that moment, but I knew better. You would get upset and push until I gave you an answer. I didn't want to fight with you, not right then. "Its been since the ... the wraith thing, when I was turned." I ammended. "I remember everything that happened. I was so mean to my dad, to Gaucho, to you. I attacked and turned others into monsters and there was nothing that I could do to stop it from happening." I shook my head, not wanting the images and voices that I remembered to come swimming back to the surface and assault me again. "I've been useless in my herd. I have no purpose there, no reason other than Cera helping me raise Ryuu." I knew you would question Ryuu and so I immediately jumped into an explanation of him. "I found him abandoned on the beach so I took him in. There's something wrong with his hooves and I can't do anything to make the pain better, nothing I try works and the healers can't seem to fix it either." I sighed and closed my eyes.

"And Toto." I whispered. "I watched it ... I saw everything." I hadn't done anything besides stand there and watch. I kept Ryuu out of the fray, listened to my mother's screams, watched Gaucho put his head on the chopping block, watched my dad just stare. "And I've missed you." I murmured. "Where have you been? What have you been doing?" I wanted so desperately to turn our talk away from what had been making me sad. I wanted to move past it for a short time and just be happy with being able to spend time with you, even if it was brief.

"."
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#15




I couldn’t help but stiffen up when she mentioned her time as a… a wraith, she called it. And I felt supremely ashamed of myself, shocked that I’d never once considered that she knew was she was doing, and remembered it, too. She remembered the words she spewed like I remember the lightning blasting from my horn. Things that were unleashed from ourselves that we had no control over; things we both wanted to take back with every fiber of our being.

“Oh, Ji…” I murmured, devastated. My muzzle came closer to her neck; I nipped at the golden tips of her locks, fumbling for a way to comfort her, to let her know that what she said resonated within me in a way that shook me to my very core. That was the moment I could finally let go of the horrid transgression of the scar I left on her body—because she knew the kind of scar she left of my soul, and grieved over it with the same intensity.

I wanted to pull her out of the pit she was in; this vortex that I knew all too well, but hated the idea of anyone else sharing in the blackness with me. I snorted a little and tensed even further when she mentioned a son (--who the fuck been touchin’ my Jiji--) at least, until, she clarified that she had adopted him, saving him from wandering the edge of the ocean amongst shitty sand, and I listened to the way she fret over this boy that she didn’t bear, listening to the way her heartstrings pulled for a boy who hurt to just walk. My lips reached for those gold strands again. (Gold accent, gold trim, and the heart of it).

Then…finally. We came to…we came to Hototo. Something that mutually shattered us, crushed us under a metric ton of cruel fate. Something that ate at me from the inside and ate at her from the out.

*"And I've missed you."*

“Missed you too, baby,” I blurted without thinking of what I was saying, or what it meant, or…whatever. Because I was sick of that with Jiji. I missed speaking my mind whenever I needed and hearing her words when she needed to spew ‘em. Because—once upon a time, in a land far, far away, like the past—she was my best friend, and I was hers.

*"Where have you been? What have you been doing?"*

I sighed, deeply. I would have pulled away from her if her warmth wasn’t doing something to me. “I’ve been everywhere,” I said wearily—stumbling only briefly on the shit I didn’t want to admit to. “I’ve been...failing. Everyone.”

I took a breath, irritated at how shaky it was going in. “It…I’ve been…I’ve seen so much death,” I shook my head, “I’ve let so many down. If I…if I could have just found the killer or if I….if I had told my Pa that…” Told him what? Told him how the Moon had slipped from some bro who had been damn-near a corpse himself when he died? But I had thought he already knew--

“I’m sorry,” I said suddenly, because those tears had been shed in a snow-white mane, and I didn’t want to dissolve again. Not when strength was needed. “I…I’m sorry I been in your life lately.” I paused, the taste of gold on my tongue, her scent laced and stamped all around me in a way that was hard to ignore. “Tell me…where you live now,” I said gently, trying to find some ground for us to stand on again, “Tell me so I can come visit sometime.”





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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
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#16
Ranjiri</style>
in this world full of people there's one killing me
and if we only die once i wanna die with you
</style>


"Oh, Ji..."

I leaned my head closer as you nipped at my mane because I craved the comfort that you offered me. "I'm sorry." I whispered as my mind went back to every ugly thing that I'd said to you when I had been possessed by the darkness that had swept across Helovia. "I'm so sorry..." I moved so I could press my cheek against your neck if you'd allow it and I sighed. "Everything ... I don't think any of that stuff that it said. I don't think you suck, I don't think you're a bitch, and I don't think you owe me anything." It hurt me on a deeper level than any physical pain ever could that those words had come from my mouth. I had been all too aware that I could have lost you, my best friend and the other half of my heart, because of it. I hated that I'd avoided you for so long but I was scared that you would hate me as much as I hated myself in the aftermath of it all.

I pressed on, explaining the rest of my woes and I had expected you to stop me when I got to Ryuu, but you let me continue on. It wasn't until I said that I missed you that you spoke again. It was bittersweet to hear that you missed me. I was glad that you thought of me enough to miss me, but sad that we saw so little of one another that we had to miss each other. My ears tilted forward as I listened to you answer my question about where you'd been. Everywhere. We had talked about going everywhere together when we were younger. We'd talked about grand adventures, exploring all of Helovia, but then I woke up one morning and you were gone and I was alone in a world that paid no attention to me. But there was still a part of me that was happy for you, that you'd still been able to go everywhere like we had talked about.

"No..." I whispered when you said you'd failed everyone. I hated the shaky breaths and the way your voice shook when you spoke. There was so much pain laced in every word that it made my heart ache all the more. This time I didn't care if you didn't want to be touched, I stepped closer and reached to rest my chin on your back. I unfolded my wings and moved to wrap them around you so that I could hold you. You were always the one that supported me when I was upset, tried to comfort me when the shit hit the fan, and now I wanted to return the favor.

"You're too hard on yourself." I said. How many groups were looking for the killer? How many other Helovians failed to stop the Moon Goddess? And yet you were the one that was trying to take the weight of every failure on your own shoulders. It would crush you. "You're not a failure." I said earnestly. "You're not. You're Roskuld... my Roskuld."

My wings unwrapped from around you and folded back against my sides and I, reluctantly, took a step back. A small smile curled the corners of my mouth when you apologized for not being in my life. "Its okay." I said. "I still have part of you with me ... I've got that ring that you gave me." Then I looked at you again and saw the golden feather that I had given you in return was gone. "You don't have my feather anymore?" Without hesitating I extended my wing and plucked another golden feather, wincing as I did so. I held it out to you and waited for you to take it before I answered your question. "I live in the Dragon's Throat... but I haven't been back since .... since Hototo..." Because it was my Sultan that had murdered my brother.





"."
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#17




“You’re too hard on yourself.”

I snorted derisively, and maybe it could have been a cynical chuckle, I dunno. I just knew that I knew myself and my actions better than anyone else ever could. I was the one person I couldn’t hide myself from--well. Me and my Pa, maybe, if he were watching up where he was (and I hoped to high Heaven that his eye missed me a few times).

*“You’re not a failure. You’re not. You’re Roskuld...my Roskuld.”*

This drew a shaky sigh from me that rocked my shoulders; my lips found her skin again and I wanted to fall into her, onto her, hold her and let her hold me and let that be the end of it. To hell with anyone else; she had called me her Roskuld. You hear that? This gorgeous bitch had claimed me and maybe I didn’t understand the gift she had given me at that moment but I felt how precious it was all on its own; a talisman, an amulet that I could clutch when the storm clouds would start to billow. Her Roskuld; I was her’s, and there was no way I could let myself forget that.

She finally pulled herself away from me, and with her presence she took her radiating warmth and the cloud of her scent wafting over me; I shook my head and raised my eyes to hers, catching the crimson glitter that danced in the contours of her face.

*“I still have part of you with me….I still have that ring you gave me.”*

“No shit?” I asked, my voice perking a little. Tell the truth, I forgot all about the embarrassment that ring had been; from getting it made by some shady guy in the woods to actually getting it to her and trying not to let my voice crack or the heat rush too hard up to my face. I failed both those tasks; but I remember how happy she had been with it, and how gorgeous she had looked with it on. I looked passed her to see it now at the base of her tail--and I understood at that moment why I had missed it before; her scar had jumped out at me, violent and deranged and a whole tragedy that clouded my vision from the sparkle of her tail.

She asked me about her feather; I froze. “Uhh…” I kinda stammered, stuck; I probably lost it when the infection took over and I had spent all those months rough and dirty and confused and hurt, oh so hurt, and frightened for her and the people I loved. No matter; here she was, hurting herself once more so I could have a token of her to keep with me, a reminder that she owned me (but in the good way, I swear). I took it from her, my movements slow and deliberate; I reached around and tried to sew it into my mane, struggling fiercely until it was kinda-sorta-maybe caught in my mane. Uhhh, yeah, probably would need to adjust it at some point--but Jiji was talking again and her voice did things to me that drew my eyes to her.

She lived in the Dragon’s Throat; it took me some moments to remember that was the hot, shitty sand place I had wandered to sometime ago. I tried to keep the sneer of disgust off my face; god, why’d she have to live in the crappiest hell-hole on this green earth? But she told me she hadn’t been back since...well. Y’know. “Ji…” I said under my breath, coming close to her again. I hated hated hated hearing the pain in her voice, seeing the way it contorted her features into a miserable thing.

“...y’know,” I breathed to her, my words slow and pensive, “They probably miss you.” And it wasn’t like I wanted her to live there--but I knew that if she hadn’t showed up in some time, I’d worry about her, too. “Your...your son probably wants his Ma.” It was so weird to think about Jiji being someone’s Mama; it made my heart swell and pull at the same time, like we were growing up too fast too far apart from each other.




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Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#18


If I could have kept my wings around you and shielded you from the world and everything out there that hurt you I would have. "I love you." I whispered because I felt like you needed to hear it again. If it helped I would say it over and over again until I had no breath left in my lungs because I hated it when you were sad. I hated the way your breath shook and, in a way, how you leaned into me like you had been deprived of a gentle touch and a kind word. I didn't want to unwrap my wings from around you, but I knew I had to. As much as I wanted we couldn't stand like that forever.

I watched you as you took my feather and stuck it into your mane, and I couldn't help but smile as I remembered the last time I'd given you a feather. I'm pretty sure you thought I was trying to stab you with it. But thinking about that time made me think about Dragomir, the one that had found us on the border. He had one of my feathers, too, but it was one that he'd found when I was sick because of the darkness. He had been a source of strength for me when I had hated myself for the longest time. As I stood there watching I couldn't help but think that he was right when he said that anyone who loved me would forgive me. I'd been so scared after what had happened that you hated me. You have no idea how much of a relief it was to know that you didn't.

"Ji...y'know. They probably miss you."

"I doubt it." I said honestly. "I don't... I'm not important there." I moved my shoulders in a way that resembled a shrug. To be perfectly honest I didn't really feel like going back, not now that I'd finally found you again. Who knew when I'd see you again and what those circumstances would be?

"Your...your son probably wants his ma."

My face fell because I knew that you were right. I had been away from Ryuu for so long because I had fallen to pieces. "I know." I said weakly. "Cera's watching him for me." It wasn't as if I'd left him alone, but that was only a small comfort to me. I lifted my head and looked at you again. "Promise me that you'll come see me." I requested. "I don't... I don't want to go so long without you again." Because in that moment I think I realized just how much of a bright spot you were in my life; my best friend and my better half. "Promise?"

"."

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Zchiraxicon :: Royal Rougarou :: Electric Smithers
#19




*"Promise me that you'll come see me. I don't... I don't want to go so long without you again."*

I closed my eyes to her words; they stung in a way that had no edge cuz the pain wasn’t coming from her. I don’t want to go so long without you again…Yeah, I’d been a ghost to her, a specter or just a memory that had refused to wander back into her golden light. I hadn’t deserved to—not while there had been a bunch of shit running around us, fucking up everything and building up towards the ultimate loss.

And it was still fucking me up that she wanted me in her life like that; that here she was, marked by my violence and my shameful, uncontrollable anger, and she was still pleading with me to see her soon, not to abandon her again. She had pulled a feather from her wing for me; she had claimed me as her own regardless of all the pain I had rained down on her life. She loved me. She tossed her gilded love on me and not someone right who could do right things for her and keep her happy and make sure it stayed that way.

And I had accepted it—but it still threw me for a loop, making me go dizzy that she desired my presence after all this time. And I had accepted it because I couldn’t fight against her—I wouldn’t. She made me weak, like a glowing green stones cast into my pond, causing ripples and waves crashing on the edges of my mind. Jiji.

I pressed my muzzle into her neck—feeling the warmth there, her tendons and muscles, her blood pumping thickly, probably nothing but molten gold. Jiji.

*"Promise?"*

Promise, I rumbled into her hide, through her skin, “Cross-my-heart, hope-to-die.” Binding myself with golden chains, pinning myself to a pillar—sealing my fate and doing it willingly, because she loved me and it was a gift that I could never, ever, ever waste.

I love you, too.”



[ze end <3]
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