the Rift


[JUDGED] Salt Smarts [xLena]

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: LENA is the winner!

LENA
Realism [+2.5]
:: Considering that Lena was already running, Sialia had to turn around, and that Lena is only one point less in speed than Sialia, I think that just running forward was a decent enough explanation for why Lena was able to avoid Sialia’s bite. Even so, her agility is twice as much as Sialia’s (10 vs 5, respectively), so it might have been more realistic to use Lena’s agility as a reason she was able to escape damage rather than speed. This is just being nit-picky and is something to think about for your next fight.
:: Remember the purpose, she proposed to herself as she pursued, approached, Sialia’s left side again, practicing Remember to give Sialia an out. Try to approach her left side, don’t just do it. Same thing with Imogen’s attack just thereafter.
:: She’d begun to close the distance, face to face with her sable opponent, Same thing here- attempt, don’t do.
:: I didn’t see much mention of scenery or breed differences.


Emotion [+2]
:: I loved the meek attack you paired with all of Lena’s hesitation. It was well done and really added to the sense that Lena wasn’t happy with what she was doing.
:: Lena’s rattled confidence after that heavy hit in your third post was beautiful! Well done!


Prose [+3.5]
:: Fueled and incited, excited and kindled, the fox attempted to slide alongside Sialia’s right, quiet, aloof, tending to the long, wet grass, hiding amongst its savage growth. Your prose is unique and beautiful, but be careful with sentences like this (especially the part I bolded). At first I read quiet and aloof as words describing Sialia and not Imogen.


Readability [+2.5]
:: Imogen hid once in the bushes, waiting and waiting for her moment to spring; obeyed her wishes until the Pegasus destroyed her What pegasus? I’m confused. Reading on, I think this is supposed to be a flashback of sorts, but it wasn’t entirely clear to me at first.
:: Otherwise, well edited and easy to read.

Finally tally: 57.5+(10.5*2)= 78.5HP

*******************************************

SIALIA
Realism [-0.5]
:: A critical hit is the most damage a character can take during a fight. I didn’t get any sense that the damage you took from Lena in your first post was really affecting Sialia at all. Give me more! Describe the nature of the injury, the pain now, Sialia’s reaction, the current effects, maybe allude to the effects it will have in the future. More, more, more!
:: I subtly change my trajectory into throwing my weight and shoulders against Lena's left hip. All throughout your second post, in describing your attack, I’ve been hedging about whether to dock you or not. You’ve been very absolute in naming your position relative to Lena. In some ways I let it go because Lena had already dictated her position, but at this point, while attacking, you cannot dictate your exact position.
:: Again, in your second post, I’m really not getting any sense of how much damage you took. You keep bringing up that her haunches hurt from her previous injury, so that’s good, but mentioning it and showing it to me are two different things. I want to see Sialia slowed down, or hesitating to make some actions because of that pain. Don’t just tell me things, make them real.
:: Then Lena drew a shaky breath, I don’t see this anywhere in Lena’s post. I can see how it fits what Lena was feeling and doing at the time, but don’t create actions for your opponent- even small ones like this.
:: By your third post, I think you actually might have taken enough damage, but again I cannot tell. I need more description! Don’t leave me wanting. You have so many words left- use them!
:: I move towards Lena, head on, No dictating Lena’s position!
:: I didn’t see much mention of scenery or breed differences.


Emotion [-1.5]
:: You kind of gave me some mild sense of who Sialia was in your first post, but I don’t really understand why she’s fighting or what her motives are. You had so many words left, and I’m sure Sialia has a beautiful personality, but you didn’t give me much to read into.
:: I almost learned nothing about Sialia throughout the course of this fight. I want more emotion! Make Sialia come to life for me! In general, your posts were very technical, which isn’t the fun part to read about.


Prose [-2]
:: She does not bear the posture of one ready to fight, instead one who has forced themselves into it, and regretting that decision. Kind of an awkward sentence. It could have easily been broken up into two with a few extra, added words, of which you had plenty left.
:: The ugly gashes that she turned time back, into perfect flawless skin. Just another example. Already I’m getting the sense that you might not have put a lot of effort into editing your posts. A tip might be to go back and read these aloud, so that you can tell if the sentences are worded awkwardly or not.
:: Excitement builds again, but my ears never change their position, instead watching as my opponent turns her body towards me once more, The way this reads, its Sialia’s ears that are watching Lena’s approach. Careful when you link sentences with commas that the subjects they refer to are the same.
:: a screaming hip protests as I launch myself forward again towards Lena's left side. Just as I was reaching Lena I became aware of the snapping of my heels, when I felt the pain lace up my right hind leg. Switching tenses.
:: as a singing burning sensation hits my back, one right after the other. Do you mean stinging? Also, be consistent. You say it is a singular sensation, but then say it is one right after the other implying multiple.
:: I dodge to the side slowly, as my lips and ivories reach out to bite at her shoulder, teeth snapping, though with flesh and bone, I don't know, before pulling away, only to slow my gates to a trot and a walk, then finally a halt. There’s a lot going on with this sentence, but I mostly pulled it out as another example that said to me that you did not edit your work before posting. Remember these posts are being judged- go through them with a fine-toothed comb before posting!


Readability [+0]
:: In your first post, grammatical and punctuation errors abound. It is really distracting and makes it very difficult to want to read.
:: Sometimes you capitalize Time Mender and sometimes you don’t. Typically, capitalizing it would be most proper, but even if you consistently didn’t capitalize it, that would be fine. The fact that you switch is distracting.

Finally tally: 26+(-4*2)= 18HP


Messages In This Thread
Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Sialia - 03-08-2015, 01:11 AM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Lena - 03-08-2015, 06:49 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Sialia - 03-09-2015, 08:57 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Lena - 03-12-2015, 04:31 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Sialia - 03-19-2015, 02:19 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Lena - 03-28-2015, 04:13 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Sialia - 03-30-2015, 02:02 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Lena - 04-03-2015, 06:55 PM
RE: Salt Smarts [xLena] - by Official - 04-16-2015, 08:12 PM

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