"I love you, Ka-"
 
It rings in his head like sin and condemnation, and he shudders to hear it ring inside his head. How had he gotten here? How had he ended up in this maelstrom of emotion and loyalty, and what it meant to love? The feather in his mane was a constant reminder of Cirrus, though she had seemingly vanished into and with the wind, leaving him as so many of his past loves had. How was he to trust, to love? How could he force himself unwittingly into a family and end up in this position? Kaj could not understand how this had happened, where his path had diverted from good intentions and led him so astray. Was it truly a fault he could take upon his own shoulders?
 
His heart was torn and ravaged with indecision and confusion, his limbs and wings quaking under the magnanimity of it all. Was it so wrong to want to help raise the foals of his herd? It had been so commonplace in his homeland. They were raised by the family, both immediate and external. He had seen so much loss and sadness in the eyes of Ilios, Areli, Rue, and Aeolus. How could he have prevented the love he felt for them? For he did love them, and perhaps in a similar fashion to how a father would love his children. But Kaj had never intended to replace the real fathers in their lives, nor had he ever wanted it.
 
So how had he? How did he get to a point where Ilios claimed he was more of a father than Ciceron, a stallion Kaj respected? What had he done to replace the quiet brute in the heart of his mate? The Storm Bringer felt sick to his stomach, imagining the pain he could bring upon the silver stud if he ever returned Parelia’s feelings. Yet another dilemma. Did he feel anything for her? Oh he was fond of her, of course he was. Kaj had a soft spot for anyone and anything weak and in need of care. But was he even capable of loving anymore? Kahlua had broken his heart into nothingness, and his attempts with Evangeline, Cheveyo and Cirrus had ended just as swiftly. Even if he did reciprocate her feelings, how could he stomach pushing Ciceron out of his own family? He’d be a monster.
 
Storm Bringer. He detested the name as of late for how true it rang. All he did was bring storm and ruin to the lives of those he loved, and he was helpless to stop or contain his own damage.
 
The golden brute snagged the glass chainmail neck guard Kahlua had made for him, already planning on making his way to the unofficial sparring area in the Falls. There was only one way to rid himself of this, and he needed to see Ciceron face to face. But he could not speak to him, not yet, not without figuring out his own emotions. For a moment he missed Evangeline with a vengeance, wishing he had someone to help him logically sort out this mess he’d somehow stumbled into. One he was unsure he deserved. Ah, but he had to deserve it, didn’t he? Retribution for all his failures.
 
Birdsong was only slowly awakening, the buds on the trees grown but still tightly shut, and he found himself alone beneath the morning sky. Flattened, sparse grass tickled at his ankles, and he gazed fretfully around, wondering if this was the proper course of action. What else could he do? He deserved this beating, deserved Ciceron’s blows whether the soldier was aware or not. Kaj needed this, he needed to be punished, and even if Ciceron would not know why he in particular was summoned to the battlefield it had be done.
 
“Ciceron! Come and fight me!”