He'd flown to her, heart twisted in his mouth, barely able to blurt the words before he'd choked himself into silence. Unable to explain, unable to do much but shake or nod his head for the demon that clawed inside his breast threateningly. You'll hurt her too, it giggled insidiously, a promise in its oily voice. You never did deserve her. And it's laughable that he's only slowly realizing how he's beginning to feel for her when he's so afraid of breaking apart her delicate nature with his tainted weight. How can he tell her, when only the barest blossoms are struggling upon the crag branches of his burnt past and wounded heart? He could not destroy that hope that maybe he's not so broken as he thought, that she could feel for him what he might finally be relearning once more. Except...his mind flashes back to the foul words that had dripped out of his mouth, vile poison that he'd confronted Tandavi with, and he sways to an abrupt stop where he is.

Which is...where?

He'd simply been walking, Brisa trailing after him, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing. Why had she trusted him? Why had she followed after him so complacently, so lovely beneath the summer moon? Turning her ivory coat into a vision of purity that he knew he would burn away the moment he touched her. You kill everything you touch, the voice noted primly, as if it did not kill Kaj to hear it inside his head. Wondered where it had hidden away all this time, waiting for the right time to emerge when his family was already few and struggling, ready to tear them apart and leave him standing in the ashes hopelessly. 

He turned to her, wondering where he could find the words to say how she made him feel like his heart finally had a purpose again aside from keeping him alive (and how he hated it when it did that, sometimes) but how he was so very afraid that he'd break her so much worse than Note ever had. Her tender, gentle family with their quiet smiles and loyal hearts did not deserve the storms he always brought alongside him. He was undeserving, and he could not punish her that way, by revealing the budding emotions only to tell her that he could never freely offer it to her. 

"I've become a monster," he manages to wrangle out of his closed throat, turning to her like she held salvation and absolution in her eyes. "Someone I considered my niece...she said a careless remark in her grief and I - " eyes close unbidden against his own self-hatred, wishing he had the strength to cast himself into the fires of the Heart. The Falls would be better off that way. "I've been patient so long, and I just...I lost control." His body shakes as he tries to keep away the tears, for he will drown in them before he ever sees light again. 

"I don't know what to do," he managed to say, and he wants to tell her I love you or maybe I never thought I could feel this way again but instead he stands broken in silence before her. 

       

It had been a surprise when Kaj had appeared before her requesting her accompaniment which in a way made her heart leap joyfully. The extent of their association had only ever been when she was dealing with a problem or concern but she wished to be so much more than that. Instead of being known as a burden who could not look after herself she wanted to be of use, she wanted to feel as if she could do more than screw up her life. The pegasus with his heart of gold had wormed his way into her heart making her feel things that she had believed dead and gone. All the pain that Note had left her with had seemed impossible to rid her soul of but somehow the golden stallion had managed to take away the harshest edges. Her heart wanted to feel again but she was afraid to let herself open her heart to another after such disastrous results many times before. Was it possible? Was it worth it?

The answer to her King's request had been simple so that was where she found herself, following him along through the trees wondering silently where they were headed. Something about Kaj's attitude had seemed strange and off but out of respect she chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not push him to tell her what was ailing him so. She cared for the stud more than she likely should but it was a reaction that could not be controlled or denied. It was like a piece of her broken soul lay within his just begging to be uncovered beneath such forbidden territory that she wanted desperately to unearth. Her heart told her to go ahead but it was the negativity from years of disappointment and pain that spoke louder stating she was an idiot to believe she could ever be happy. No one could ever want a creature as broken as she was so what was the point of setting herself up for only more disappointment.

Lifting her eyes as the golden king finally drew to a halt she couldn't help feeling hopeful despite the odds being stacked against her. Listening as words began to flow from his mouth her smile turned into one of confusion as the work monster came into the field. Shaking her head almost immediately in disagreement she managed to hold her tongue to let him finish. The look upon his face was breaking her heart just to gaze upon the self loathing and sadness that he tried so desperately to fight back. Never had she ever seen Kaj like this, never had he seemed so vulnerable and lost. Her immediate response found her stepping forward to close the distance between them and reaching her muzzle out to him. "You are no monster!" She stated firmly refusing to let him argue that point any further. If anyone knew the definition of a monster she would be the one. Monsters were those stallions that had raped her, beat her and left her for dead. Kaj was no where even in that spectrum and it pained her to hear him compare himself to one.

"Grief and pain make even the best of us say things we do not mean, you cannot blame yourself. Please, don't blame yourself." Blue eyes kept focused upon his handsome face the entire time she spoke silently begging him to not give up on himself. The slight tremor that shook through his hide tore at her  knowing exactly what it was like to feel so helpless and useless all at the same time. Not wanting to wait for permission she boldly steps forward to press her forehead against his wanting to just comfort him anyway she possibly could. She wanted to take away the pain and the fear and just bear the burden so that he would not have to. "You don't have to feel like you're alone, I already told you I am here should you ever need me. I want to be here for you..." She said softly closing her eyes for a second to take a steadying breath.  




Brisa talks

It was beyond unfair to her that Kaj never seemed to seek her out when he did not need her in some way, but Kaj had already established that he was a monster. Breaking both their hearts didn't seem like much more in the scheme of things, he told himself bitterly as he turned and watched her hopeful eyes and smiling face dim and drop. She didn't deserve the pain he put her through, the constant agony that was her only thing to look forward to, if she decided to walk this path with him. He'd put his heart in the hands of so many only to receive nothing but a bloodied mess, and each time he found himself wondering if the ever-dwindling integrity of the vessel was what made them deny him. Was he not good enough for their affections? But Brisa...he knew he was not good enough for her. It was almost comforting, to not have to worry and wonder about whether he was capable of being good enough, of trying and trying and fighting to make himself better and prove himself. Because he was already too far down for that, and she needed to learn that before she ruined herself on the jagged shores of his heart. 

Even as she defended him, took away the burden laying heavy across his shoulders, he knew she was too good for him. Why Note had ever left her was something he could not understand, and in his primordial jealousy he had vowed long ago that should the two ever cross paths again, he would challenge the once-warrior for his honor and ban him from any land Kaj had power of. He wanted her in the most basic of ways, wanted to own her, have her be his for as long as his soul held tight to the shell of his body. He wanted to make her happy, except...well, he couldn't. So there was no point in trying.

Old eyes turned to her, and he wondered what she saw in him. Young, younger than he. Still so beautiful in her prime, while he stood broken and useless both in body and spirit before her. If he loved her...and what a heavy word it was, to even consider it, but if he did...he'd let her go. 

"You are the only to think so," he said hoarsely, wondering why his insides felt like an empty cavern with decaying leaves that rattled insidiously across his bones. "If it's not that, it's the invasion. Funny how Archibald is spared the hatred, is it not?" And he is bitter for how he is always in someone's shadow, incapable of breaking free and being seen for the efforts he has made. Kaj had dedicated his entire life to the Edge, and the Falls. Where had he gone wrong? Why was he the one demonized, out of everyone? 

And she breaks him from it, his own personal angel, and his eyes close on a stuttered breath as he feels the delicate whorls of hair from her forehead pressing into his own. An embrace no unicorn could ever manage, and he pities them for it, presses closer into her touch and exhales so shakily he's surprised it doesn't dissolve into an outright sob. "I think I love you," he blurts, and suddenly his stomach drops out into his hooves. Gods, what have I done? And he jerks away from her, feeling like a startled and terrified colt all over again. "But you are too good for me. You and Aeolus, you -" and he can't even speak it, can't say how he wishes Aeolus was his, that Brisa had never loved another, that she was his. But she is beautiful and free and he cannot chain her. He cannot bear to see her brought low by him, and so he staggers back forcefully away from her, because he knows that if he doesn't he will crumple beneath her warmth and consistency. 

       

He tries so hard to hide from her, because she doesn't know what he's capable of. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. There is a monster that dwells inside him, as permanent as the marrow in his bones, and she is weak and powerless to stop him if it comes to surface against her. She doesn't know what she's dealing with, what she's vouching for, and he can't stand it. Doesn't she know? Can't she feel it in her skin, the desire to get away? He had been ready and willing to kill Aurelia for trying to hurt Kahlua, and they hadn't even been mated. Doesn't she know what he'd do, if they did this? If he allowed himself to fall for her, and she for him? Nothing would stop him next time, not even Archibald. He would murder anyone who touched her. He was dangerous, and she was fragile, and he would shatter her so quickly he wouldn't even have time to mourn. 

And he can feel it stirring inside his chest, the ravenous hunger for blood as she speaks, recounting tales of violence as easily as can be done. But it's not easy for him, not when he can feel her words slipping away in his head, until he's not sure what she's saying because he has to fight for every bit of knowledge of Helovian language that he has. Because it's so easy for him to forget, and he can't let her be caught in the crossfire when he loses it. And he's distracted by her words, by trying to understand, by trying to not explode into a rage and hunt down those who hurt her like the animal he is and slaughtering them. There would be no mercy, no reprieve, and she would hate him. She would see him covered in blood and gore and she would know that she could never be safe at his side. That nobody else could be safe if he let himself love her. 

Everything rights itself as she snags her teeth into his mane, and a part of him pulses hot with pride and lust that she takes control so quickly, rips him back to her regardless of their size differences and doesn't let him escape. But he has to. And his words are lumped in his throat and she keeps talking and he loves her so much and she's going to break him.

And she calls him Aeo's father and suddenly his eyes are streaming and he can't breathe and he can't do this anymore. "I can't," he babbles, chest heaving with the storm inside him, lets her draw him in for a brief moment. Lets himself be weak, to hold her against his skin, and then rips away even as it feels like he's tearing his own heart out. "I can't, I can't hurt you, I'm sorry," and he's barely even understanding what words his tongue is giving off anymore, can't think past the paniclovemateBrisaAeohappysadpain that's ricocheting inside his brain. "I need -" what does he need? Space? Time? Will any of that change how he feels about her? "I'm so sorry," he chokes, and turns to try and run. She can chase him, she can yell, but he can fly and he will win. He has to, he can't afford to be weak, not with her on the line.