Elsa,

Feel lucky for what you have, when you have it. Happily ever after doesn’t mean happy forever.

It burned, it yanked, pulled, and it still hurt.

The initial numbness had fallen away, and with nothing but herself she was retreating into her thoughts. Her brain was screaming to not think, just work and move on. But she couldn’t. Trying to forget was like telling someone to drown themselves, she couldn’t unless someone forced her to stop loving and yearning. There were no weights to tie her down, and so she was stuck floating out in a rough ocean for eternity.

She ground her teeth, trying to not cry. That’s all she ever did anymore, and it sucked. Instead of being the one who is known as happy, she was that girl that stood in the corner. She was quiet, solemn and dying inside. The fire was burning from within, and was beginning to weaken the framework now. So much was already lost in the initial fire, but now the smolders were slowly consuming everything else. Nights were sleepless, and happiness was so hard to fake.

Maybe it was because there was one last place they could be. Before she had begged like a desperate mother for Gaucho to find her children. It was unfortunate that he was the closest thing to family she had now. He was the only one who understood Oxy, and who wasn’t wary of his every move. Had he been able to find them? Surely he would’ve sought her out, but then again, he had much bigger problems to worry about. A bedraggled mother was not on his radar. Elsa had always pegged him as a warrior, and that seemed to be his soul. Emotional stability was something she didn’t expect him to have.

However, worrying about Gaucho would do nothing. It doesn’t matter if he cares for her, or her children. It was another coping mechanism for Elsa’s brain to deploy. It was a last attempt to keep her grounded in the Edge, and to not let her leave. Following her emotions had only led to her pathetic downfall. It took her down the path of destruction, pain, and darkness; she had finally taken the path less traveled.

Night was in full swing, the worst of times for her. The anger and sadness had finally built up again, and she lashed out. She struck out her front left hoof and hit the tree she was under as hard as she could. The jolt traveled up her leg, providing a terrible reminder that she was still alive. This was not purgatory or hell, she was very much alive. So she had to go. She had to.

Edgar screeched after her, begging her to stay and not to wound herself more, but she would not stick around. With a large wooshing noise she ascended into the air, headed toward the Dragon’s Throat. She had to know. If they weren’t there, she would bury it. She would simply take out all the ashes and embers and work with the little framework that was left. Somehow she would manage to shove herself back together with work and monotony.

Elsa didn’t remember the flight at all, and suddenly she realized she had made it. She stopped before the throat, looking out across the ocean towards the island. It was pale against the moonlight, the water reflecting in such a way to tease that it was a little sparkle of hope. So she sat and watched. What would she say if they were here? How could she justify her presence if they weren’t here? Nerves rushed around her body, as she stood rigid and waiting. She was too afraid to move for fear of shattering. Edgar took to the skies, flying above the Throat. If they were there, they would recognize the feisty bird. 

"talk" 

Elsa,

Feel lucky for what you have, when you have it. Happily ever after doesn’t mean happy forever.

She doesn’t know what she is expecting. Gaucho? Of all that would show up, he seemed to be the most probable one to arrive. She took a couple steps back nervously relishing the calming feeling of the earth sliding against her hooves. That was a new nervous tick. Nostrils flared she waited for Edgar to return to her.

Yet it seems both Edgar and Elsa had noticed to the other body instantaneously. The bird for a moment, stopped flying, his body slowly gliding to the ground in disbelief. Elsa on the other hand, she couldn’t move. It was as if the gods cemented her to the ground and wound her mouth. She opened it once, closed, and then repeated a few times. Neither of them realized a span of time was spent in silence, before Shida’s voice broke it. She shattered it into a million pieces, just like she was born for it.

Elsa was visibly shaking, her eyes watering and Shida’s outline smeared against the night. This had to be a dream, or some sick version of a nightmare. Her daughter’s voice was going to disappear at any time now, and she was going to be left in the dark with Edgar. This is what it had to come to. Elsa was fucking hallucinating now, and she couldn’t make it go away!

Then- then that voice again. Edgar landed behind the explosive girl, debating what to do. On one hand, he wanted to go greet her and this companion she had. On the other hand… this was the daughter who had tried to nom him to death at birth. For a few moments, both Edgar and Elsa let her question hang in the air. How could she answer this? But more importantly how in the fucking hell did Gaucho actually find her?

With all the force she had in the world, she ran at Shida. Her hooves had never moved so fast in her life. Even though the distance was short, it felt like a million miles. The closer she got, the further Shida seemed to go away, until finally she stopped, just looking her in the eyes. Elsa felt as if she was going to collapse then, but instead she leaned forward. She roughly reached her head out to Shida, pulling her grown daughter as close as she could to her chest. Elsa needed to know she was here, that she was breathing and truly alive.

Tears began to fall again from her eyes. However, instead of dry painful tears it was as if the floodgates had opened. The droplets fell down her face, tracing ugly grey lines down her face. They clung at the tip of her muzzle before finally falling. Her breathing was ragged, almost like a panicking child. ”You’re alive.” Her voice was ugly, cracked and full of utter disbelief, but yet overflowing with the love of a mother who never had the chance to be a mother. ”I- I came looking for you and Auriel. After the invasion I lost, I…” She heaved another uneven breath. ”I lost all of you. I lost your father. I lost you and your sister. I lost everything.” so this is what love felt like. Had she felt this elated before? Was this truly her mind before everything fell apart? ”You’re the first. You’re the first…” She continued to repeat that a few more times, trying to squish Shida even further into her chest. ”Don’t leave me again.” She finally wailed, a mournful cry of a mother. She practically collapsed then, and if Shida moved, she would quickly be on the ground. ”I’m so sorry I failed you as a mother. Please- please forgive me.” She begged, Edgar to crying out in a soulful wail. It was impossible for him to sit idle and quiet when his companion was practically morphing into a different person.


"talk" 

Elsa,

Feel lucky for what you have, when you have it. Happily ever after doesn’t mean happy forever.

Even in the moment of elation, there was a doubt that wormed around in the back of her mind. There was no way either of her children would accept her this easily- they were Oxy’s children for god sakes. If they even had a sliver of him in them, it would take her twice as long to gain their trust then falling in love with Oxy. And for the record, that shit took time and tears. It emotionally drained her- but that was love right? True love means that a sacrifice of one’s own soul must be given to the other. They are under no binding to love her in return. Elsa was generous with her love, and Shida and Auriel had taken almost the rest of the soul that Oxy had left behind. It would kill her to have them mad at her. Especially when she had been trying so hard to bring them home. If she could redo it, she would have never entered Helovia. Oxy would have never been hurt, and the twins would have never had to experience the actual living hell that was Helovia. She was selfish to want to keep them.
 
Yet, Elsa would have never expected the reaction that she got from Shida. The rough movement backwards left a cold, gaping hole where her body had been. At first, she had been warm, on fire and in love. Now, she was instantly frozen, unsure of what to do. Shida was chastising her for not being there. Did she have any fucking idea of what went on? Did she know that the father that she was the spitting image of waltzed those people in? He had brought them, and in the name of love! Elsa couldn’t even blame him because he had done it for love. She had fought just to keep everyone together, and she had failed. Oxy invaded for love, and in a way, he had won. She was the failure.

Elsa stumbled backward, stopping the remaining tears. Large streaks were left on her face, and all she could do was look at Shida. She shook her head a few times, before offering a small, pitiful smile. Even a small, scoffing laugh managed to come through. ”I hardly bailed on you Shida. You have no idea how much I have died inside since that day. As much as you probably hate me right now, I love you at least ten times more. Your father had brought that invasion in, to try and bring us to a position of power I suppose. He left after that. I was angry, and I left him because I didn’t know what to do. I…” She inhaled sharply, stomping a foot in anger. Edgar was still cringed behind Shida, and slowly moved to hide behind Shida. He had never seen his bonded so close to the edge before. ”I THOUGHT HE WOULD COME BACK WITH YOU TWO. AND HE DIDN’T.” She was screaming, loud enough for the entire Throat to hear. ”Then I looked for you and your sister. And I couldn’t find you! I left Helovia because I thought you two had run away with your father! And I understand now that he will always be a better parent than me but Shida I love you and I need you to understand that! I didn’t know you two were alone!” She was pleading like a child, taking a few more steps back to give both herself and Shida space. The absence of her forgiveness burned deeply, and she was now afraid to even look for Auriel. If Shida was this wary about her mother, how would Auriel act? ”I was a niave mother, and I count the ways every night that I could’ve been a better one. The horrible fact is, is that I will never be the good mother. There will always be one out there who is better at it then me. Hell, I’m how old now and I have no fucking idea what I’m doing with my life.” She was breathless, and for the first time since she had begun talking, looked to Shida. ”Just let me know what you want. I’m not the one that makes the decisions anymore. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. If you want me to try and be a mother, try and right my wrongs, I will. You have to let me know. I don’t want to bother you if you don’t want me, but just know that either way, I will still love you.” And Elsa finally fell quiet. There was nothing else to say. No explanation could describe the carnival act that was their lives.

Oh look, here comes the grand finale. One thing is for certain, it will be memorable for the rest of eternity.



"talk" 

Elsa,

Feel lucky for what you have, when you have it. Happily ever after doesn’t mean happy forever.

The pain was indescribable. It was as if Shida had suddenly gained the power to wound a soul. Elsa’s was already a rag, and now… she was cutting it into oblivion. It was the like world around her was falling apart. Love doesn’t matter? Elsa wanted to scream at her. She wanted to tell Shida to shut the fuck up and listen to what she is saying! If love didn’t matter then why was she still here? Her body was heaving in nervous spasm. Her blood was running cold and she could hardly feel herself anymore. It was as if she was looking at her body from above, watching it tumble into oblivion. Even Edgar didn’t know what to do. All he did was scoot closer to the dog, hoping all at once for warmth and the luck to not get chomped on like a toy.

The world moved in slow motion then, as Auriel’s name hung onto Shida’s words. Elsa just shook her head repeatedly, trying to stop from crying and falling apart. Love. If love is useless to you Shida… then why all of this? Why go through the trouble of destroying love if love didn’t matter in the first place. Even when she gave up, Elsa didn’t know what to do. It was like listening to Oxy yell and scream at her. Except this time, she didn’t have the nerve to beat him up. She couldn’t – wouldn’t lay a single hoof on Shida even if her life depended on it. So where was thing anger supposed to go? Inside of Elsa of course. It rattled up her insides until she felt like nothing more than a giant bruise. She was a blemish upon their lives. Elsa was nothing more than a life-giver, was she?

”Well fuck you too, Shida. Because I don’t care how much you hate me, or how much you tell me love is useless but you’re stuck with mine for the rest of your life. I don’t care if you want it or not. I can’t not love you.” She said sternly, this time taking a step forward, head held a bit higher. Elsa was probably a bit too rough now, but she wasn’t going to stop until Shida understood. ”And I won’t do it again. So come with me to the Edge. So I can try at least to make your life a little less miserable. Or maybe you don’t need me, and you grew up without me. At least I can trust that Gaucho will be a better parent than me or your father will ever be.” There was clear defeat in her voice. The chances of Shida returning home were slim it seemed. Elsa was getting the impression that Shida just wanted an explanation and for her to leave. By Shida’s reaction, she had been better off not knowing Elsa was still here. ”I just… I just feel like I’m stepping on glass around you. I don’t know what to say, or to do to make you feel better. I am not some sort of emotion master that I can make it all go away, or I would. I need you to tell me what you want. You were obviously fine before I got here, so you need to make the decision if you want me back in your life for good, or if leaving on this note is all you want from me.” Elsa couldn’t tell the up from the down anymore. All she could rely on was for Shida to guide her through this shit hole of a mess. Sometimes the parent needed guidance from the child.


"talk"