I had flown over every place I could think of, just hoping to spot Dragomir from the air, but I continuously came up empty. I'd landed in the meadow a while ago and had walked to the grove that he had shown me earlier in the season, the one that was filled with so many wildflowers, but he wasn't there. I didn't spot him near the Throat, or in the Blood Falls where the first God Battle had taken place. The last place I could think of was the island where the Earth God's battle had been. It was the last place that I had seen my friend and I hoped with everything I had that I would find him lingering there soaking up the solitude that the island had to offer.

I sighed and stretched my legs toward the ground and I flared my wings out to slow my decent, but the wind catching against my wing made it ache even more than it usually did. When my hooves touched the ground I tucked my wings against my side. I winced because even after so much time had passed since the fight where it was injured my wing still hurt when I used it too much. I wondered if it would ever get better and I worried that it would eventually get so bad that I wouldn't be able to fly anymore. I couldn't imagine being limited to just walking wherever I wanted to go.

It was a short walk to the beach from where I had landed and I waded into the water to cool myself because I had worked up a bit of a sweat with all the flying and searching that I was doing. I realized as I stood there in the water that the sun was beginning to set. That I had been away from home all day searching for someone who didn't want to be found. I was sad and defeated and was beginning to think that I needed to accept that Dragomir had left again. The most painful part, though, was that he had left again without telling me goodbye.

"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

"Jiji!"

I barely heard the voice over the waves and at first I thought it was Dragomir calling for me and that I had been wrong about him leaving again. But when I turned my head and looked back over my shoulder it wasn't Dragomir that I saw. Drago wasn't that dark and his legs weren't striped and he definitely didn't have wings that glowed like embers from a fire. There was only one boy stallion that I knew of that looked like that

"... Rhoa?" I turned to face him more fully and I stared because Rhoa was another one that had just disappeared without saying much of anything. It was baffling how many could just leave so easily and then come right back. Honestly, I didn't know Rhoa that well other than he was Gaucho's son and that his presence was something that was surprisingly comforting. I'd been able to confide my fears and doubts in myself when Gaucho had offered me the position of artisan and he'd been nothing but supportive.

There were many things that I could have said and asked. "Hey. Hi. It's been a while. Good to have you back. How are you? Where have you been? Why did you leave? Why are you back? Are you staying or visiting? Did you go back to the Throat? What did you see when you left? Whats outside of Helovia's borders?" But the first thing that flew out of my mouth was the last thing we'd really talked about. "I didn't make your shoes yet, I'm sorry." It was sheepish and embarrassed because I had promised him long before he'd disappeared that I would make them.

"...I can make them now." I offered to make amends even though I guess I really didn't need to because he was the one that had left. "Are you coming home?"

"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

He said it was nothing when I admitted to not making the shoes that he had requested so long ago, but I still felt guilty even if I shouldn't have. I didn't forget.I hadn't wanted to make the shoes without him being there. I hadn't known where he'd gone off to or when he'd be back and now I found myself wishing that I had them as a sort of 'welcome home, I hope you stay' present. "I'm going to make them." I promised. "I just couldn't find you and I didn't want to make them too big or too small where you couldn't use them and then there were these battles..." I started to explain as I left the water and walked toward Rhoa. "And these ... monsters and..."

"I've missed you..."

I was stunned into silence because the only ones that ever told me that they missed me were Ros and Cera. I was used to being overlooked and forgotten about and not missed. To hear it coming from someone that I didn't really know on an intimate level felt good. It was like I mattered to someone that I wasn't related to and it made a smile spread across my face that I don't think I could have hidden even if I wanted to. "I missed you, too." I said and I reached my muzzle toward his once I was close enough. Honestly, I don't think I would feel the relief or tinge of happiness that I did if I hadn't missed the dark stallion. If I hadn't missed him I would have been thoroughly disappointed to find him standing there instead of Dragomir.

"I'm glad you're back." I murmured as I withdrew my muzzle. "Are you coming home?" I asked again, because he hadn't answered me the first time I asked it and I felt this burning need to know if he was going to be back in the Throat with me. "Are you staying with us?"

"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

"I like your smile." I blurted it out when he smiled at me, but I really didn't feel embarrassed by it. "Its really nice." I wanted to tell him that he should smile more, but I knew well enough how hard it could be to work up a smile when all I really wanted to do was frown. I knew how exhausting it could be to keep up a smile once I finally managed to find one and plaster it on my face. I would not tell him to smile more and put that pressure on him to make me happy. I just hoped that Rhoa would find a reason to keep smiling like that because he deserved it.

"Not the way I've missed you."

"Huh?" My head tilted and I stared at Rhoa, my confusion shining bright in my eyes. "How many ways are there to miss someone?" I asked, genuinely confused because I honestly didn't know. I just knew that I genuinely cared about everyone in the Throat (that I met) and I missed them when they were gone and longed for them to return, just like I missed and longed for Ros when she was away. It was the same way that I longed for and missed my mother, father, and my brother. 

When he finally answered my question about returning to the Throat it wasn't one that boasted of promise. It was doubtful and hesitant and I looked down at my sand covered hooves to try to keep Rhoa from seeing my disappointment. "Oh." Was all I said even though I wanted to tell him "But I want you to come home with me." It was not my place to force Rhoa back to the Throat, especially if it was a place that he didn't want to be.

"I'm sure you understand."

"I do." I admitted, which was exactly why I wasn't going to tell Rhoa that I wanted him back in the Throat though I wanted him there. If he wasn't going to be happy, if he wasn't going to smile then why try to force my wants on him? It would be exactly like me living in the Falls and having a constant reminder every morning when I opened my eyes of what had been there that I'd lost and couldn't have back. I wouldn't even ask him if he'd visit because I didn't want to force him to make a promise to visit a place that he wasn't sure he wanted to live in.

"How've you been?" I asked and I lifted my head to meet Rhoa's gaze again. "Where'd you go? Did you see anything interesting?" Meet anyone? But I didn't voice that last question. I didn't know where it had come from or why it mattered, so I stood with my ears tilted toward Rhoa as I waited for him to answer the questions I continuously bombarded him with.

"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

Rhoa tried to explain it, but it was still something I didn't understand because I'd never had a lover before. I'd never thought about ... giving myself to anyone in that way before and I probably wouldn't have for a while longer if Rhoa hadn't brought it up. "I've never had a lover." I admitted and for whatever reason I wasn't embarrassed to admit it to Rhoa. Not like I had been when I'd offhandedly mentioned it to Mister Archibald so many seasons ago. I was a little bit older now, though, and I couldn't see the problem with not having let touch me like that. But Rhoa had, hadn't he? How else would he know what the touch of a lover felt like? "...so I really don't know what missing that is like." I shrugged a bit because it really wasn't a big deal to me right then. How could I be upset about not having something that I'd never experienced?

His explanation did move on to something that I could relate to and I did understand that, because I knew missing the way the clover tasted in the Foothills was different from the memories I had of learning to fly with my dad and Gaucho. "How did you miss me?" I asked, because that part I didn't understand. I wasn't Rhoa's lover and yet he said he missed me in a way that was different from how I had missed him. Why? How?

As he answered my questions it only lead to more questions, but the only one I asked was one that was probably none of my business. "What were you looking for?" He said that others sought his attention and I supposed that I could understand. He certainly was handsome and his family was full of strong warriors. It was really no wonder that he'd found himself a lover (I was basing this assumption purely on the fact that he'd mentioned missing the touch of a lover). "Oh..."  I wondered over who he thought was lovely in the Throat, but I didn't give that question a voice because it really wasn't any of my business, just as it wasn't my business what he'd been searching for.

"And you? Have you been well?"

"I suppose." I said when I could have said that I was fine, but if I was anything at all I was honest. And it helped that I was comfortable enough around Rhoa to tell him what was bothering me "My wing's been bothering me." As I said it I stretched it out, frowning at the way it ached into my shoulder. "I hurt it in a battle... the first battle when the gods started coming back, actually. This ... giant bear came through and we were fighting it and someone attacked my wing and it really hasn't been right since." But at least I could still fly. I could deal with the ache as long as I wasn't stuck having to walk everywhere. "There were three other battles..." I said shortly after. "I got this in one and this in another." I motioned to the fang that I'd gotten from the Moon Goddess' battle and the blood I'd gotten from the tiger battle there were hanging around my neck. "You can have one if you want..." Because I still wasn't sure I wanted either of them.

"I made some keys for the bridge." I said happily moving on from talk about battles and I laughed when I said it. "My keys were so ugly compared to Cera's. I don't know how he can make them so effortlessly. And two at a time!" I just needed more practice, I guessed, and that was exactly what I hadn't been doing.


"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

To say that I was confused by Rhoa would be putting it very mildly. What he described was lovely, a cool spring on a hot day, the rain in the desert, the blooming cactus... but I didn't understand and if he paid attention he would likely see it in my eyes, but would he understand? Would he know that internally I was questioning what he was telling me and wondering why he would miss me like he said? I'd not had many interactions with Rhoa, but we had been in the same herd up until the point that he'd disappeared. We'd seen each other on occasion, be it at herd meetings or in passing and only a few times had we stopped and actually had conversation.

How could he miss me?

Why would he miss me?

And if he could miss me like that then why would he leave without saying goodbye?

He continued on, though, and told me that he's been cold then, again, how he's missed me and I couldn't stay silent any longer and just listen. "Then why did you leave?" I finally asked. "Why... without telling me bye?" I frowned and I stared and I felt myself doubting every word he was saying because how could he stand there and tell me how he missed me, how could he make it sound so fanciful, and lovely, and wonderfully flattering when he obviously hadn't thought enough of me to tell me bye? "How can you think enough of someone to miss them like that but not think enough of them to bid them farewell?" How could he do it? How could Dragomir do it? How could Toto and Ryuu and Momma and Daddy and everyone I cared about  all just leave without telling me bye? Was that too much to ask? Was I being selfish for wanting that closure?

But right at that moment wasn't the time for me to crumble and fall apart. I needed to be brave and strong and act as if his confession (if that was what it was) hadn't brought with it bad feelings about everyone else that I cared about that had just left. I needed to act as if I were simply curious and hope that my tone hadn't reflected just how confused and hurt I was, so when he asked if I was still a crafted I offered a small smile and nodded. "I ... need a lot more practice." I said with a shake of my head. "I'm not that good at it yet." Which was a shame because I hadn't wanted to disappoint Gaucho and I thought that if he saw the keys I'd made, functional or not, he would be disappointed that I hadn't practiced more.

"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

"I did not know that I was leaving, until I was long gone."

I couldn't help but stare and wonder if that was what it was like for everyone that just left? Did they just go for a walk and not stop? Did they not realize that they were leaving everything behind until they finally looked and noticed that everything around them was totally unfamiliar? Was it really that easy to leave behind everyone that cared about you, and everyone that you cared about? I couldn't fathom just walking and not stopping. I couldn't imagine just leaving everyone I cared about behind and I guess that's why I'm always the one being left. Some are destined to leave and some are destined to be left, its just our lot in life.

"In chasing those who left me, I left others. I committed the sort of injustices of the heart that I was struggling to sentence my family to.."

I was guilty of chasing after everyone that left me behind as well, but there was one big difference between Rhoa and myself-- I didn't leave. I was mindful of everyone that I loved and I stayed. I didn't want to subject them to the same hurt that came with being left, abandonment, whatever you want to call it. I knew how much it hurt, but I also knew the desire to find the ones that you loved and hold them close and tell them to never leave you again, so I couldn't hold it against him completely. There's a desperation that comes with wanting the ones you care about to be with you again. We all feel it, I think, and we all handle it differently.

"Promise?" I asked when he said that he wouldn't do it again, but really what use were promises when they were typically broken?

The conversation turned quickly back to crafting and I nodded when he said I had a lifetime to practice. It was true, I supposed, but I didn't agree when he said that I was probably leaps and bounds ahead of where he had been. "To be that advanced I would have had to practice... which I didn't." I shrugged as if it weren't a big deal, but I did feel guilty. I felt like I was letting Gaucho down, which was something I never ever wanted to do. "You could..." I agreed when he suggested becoming a warrior. "But the offer to be my crafting partner still stands." I smiled a little and I wondered if he would even remember, forever ago when we stood talking in the grove, that I asked if he would be my partner.

"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me