The bronze creature scours the earth, exploring and poking its nose into pockets he has not experienced or seen. He is born anew, a mighty beast once more, emotional burdens lifted from his soul. He remembers that he blocked his memories, can guess as to which with how some faces flash briefly in his memories where the gaps lie. Kahlua he knows only by name and face, for how he has so intently destroyed any recollection he has of her. But after leading the Edge with her for so long, he cannot remove her completely, nor can he destroy all the memories he has of Evangeline, though her name still escapes him even now. It does not bother him, the blank spots that he drags his palms across, the static ache he can feel when he presses against them quizzically. He had removed them for a reason, and if Miykael had been telling the truth regarding the state he'd been in when he'd sought out the painted healer, well...he did not want them back. That he had apparently fallen so far, become so weak, still made his lips flutter with the desire to curl with distaste. He had failed not only himself, but those around him. His herd, which had always been stone number one for him. 

One thing he had to get used to was his injured shoulder. He had perfect clarity regarding that memory, but he was handling it far differently than...Other Kaj. He had no other term for the soft-bodied babe, for he felt they were two entirely different beings. It was easier to kill the idea of him, embrace his own newness - which felt less like newness and more like solidification, with how he did not feel as though he had lost anything, since he could not remember the memories at all - and simply disassociate completely from the fool Other Kaj had been. His shoulder was a badge of pride, not of weakness, and he would wear it proudly. He would fix the stupid mistakes Other Kaj had made, and quickly. He would not have such weakness tied to his name, the one that had prompted the initial title of Storm Bringer. With age he had become wise, accepted that he had changed enough to become the Aurelight, but not in the way Other Kaj had been. 

Everything about him was new, but achingly old and familiar. He liked it. 

Flight, at least, was something he had not forgotten. Something Other Kaj had not tainted, in the remaining memories the Aurelight had. He'd simply picked up and taken off, letting the winds carried him where they desired, where Fate and the Gods - ah, and he was learning to be a man of faith now, how strange - dictated he end up. He hadn't seen the Endless Blue in literal years, but the cold breezes and salt against his face and in his nares was unmistakable. So similar to the Throat shores, where he'd lingered in his youth, but unique in its own way. He floats above the cliffs, bobbing with the curls of wind that rush and play beneath the boughs of his wings. Until he spots her, a familiar pale form against the sandy backdrop, standing at the cliffside. 

For a moment he stares, puzzled by the gaps in his memory. Why had he chosen her to erase? But then his heart stops in his chest as she foolishly leaps, flightless and delicate as she is. No matter why he had removed her from his mind, she is his friend, and she is part of his flock. Even if she were not, he could not let someone commit such a suicidal act without trying to intervene. 

His mass is drawn down fast and hot from the air, wings tucked so tight they whistle as he dives past the sheer edges of the cliffs, trying not to remember white-washed stone and thick curling mist. She isn't surfacing, and though he'd known something was wrong the moment she'd thrown herself forward, his fear ramps up immediately when he does not find her thrashing in the water against the throes of her own fate. Uncaring of his wings he slams into the water so hard it makes him dizzy, but she is a pale beacon beneath the waves and froth, and his wings are wet and useless but still capable of acting as rudders and powerful arms that push him forward towards her. Blows air out through his nostrils as he dips beneath the waves, draws her neck over his withers and begins kicking mightily, eyes like electric gems and nares blown wide and blood filled. His wing is low, supporting just below her belly as he pulls and drags her through the water, huffing like a great beast through his wet muzzle. 

The stone and sand is familiar, but it slips away from him as he tries to kick and plunder his way to shore, the sand shifting with the waves. He is stubborn and furious with fear and worry though, kicks through until he finds purchase, and lugs Brisa's form up onto the shore to deposit her shakily, his left shoulder burning so fiercely he almost follows her down to the earth as well. Grips her mane in his teeth and jerks, trying to get her to awaken if she has not already. Ignores the shaking and trembling of his leg as he grits his teeth and stares down at her, something wild and untamed in his face. "BRISA!" And he needs to see those pale lashes flutter, see those crystal eyes, reassure himself that he wasn't too late, that she's still here. One of his only friends left, one of the few things Other Kaj hadn't fucked up irreparably. 

At last his pale lamb struggles to consciousness and begins to kick against the water with him, aiding him in their pursuit of air and land. He does not cease his efforts nonetheless, gripping tight to her mane and shoving her upwards to freedom relentlessly, even as his shoulder burns and his lungs protest against the salt water that burns his throat and nostrils. She goes limp at intervals, slowing and struggling in turn, but his eyes burn with ferocity and determination. There is simply nothing to be done until she lays prone upon the sand, his own shoulder burning so fiercely he nearly joins here there. Does not simply because someone has to be the strong one, and he must save face and ensure she does not look down upon him, even if he had just saved her life. His pride keeps him standing, and he wonders for a brief moment as Brisa's eyes start to shift beneath her lids, whether Other Kaj would have joined her there sprawled shamefully across the beach. Snorts derisively and does not think on it any longer, embracing instead the frustration and ferocity that leads to raised voice and downward turned snarl of disapproval. Fear that he had lost her, that he had failed her both as lead and friend.

At last she shifts, coughing and choking, eyes blinking open and croaking hoarsely a question. "Yes," he says simply, a bark of noise for how his heart is still racing and his blood is still hot with anger at her stupidity. Kaj knew of her depression and her isolation. Had this been a suicide attempt? He frowns fiercely down upon her as she struggled to regain herself, wonders what would have happened if he had not been there to bear witness to her reckless plunge into the icy waters that chill his hide. The beach was devoid of life as he twisted his head to look while she awakened herself. She would not have lived, he decided grimly, and found himself all the angrier at her for the realization. 

He returns her touch only briefly, for her dazed eyes still inspire the barest threads of pity inside his wretched soul, for while he was no soft bellied idiot like Other Kaj, he was still no mindless, heartless beast. But he retreats from her quickly enough as his name is spoken quizzically, and he cannot contain himself any longer for how the fear and anger boils inside him. 

"I can't believe you would do something so foolish! So idiotic!" He shouts it, turns away from her and whips his wings with a sharp snapping sound that resounds between them, whisking away water and underscoring his anger in unison. He whirls to face her, sand pasted to his wet legs and chest heaving, eyes like electric blue fires and ears disappearing into his soaked mane. Pale strands play across his vision, sticking uncomfortably to his forehead, but he bears it no mind. Instead he embraces his anger, kicking up sand as he moves toward her in a sharp, aborted movement. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" He wants to grab her mane and shake her again, rattle her brain until it clicks that she cannot waste away her life so carelessly.

"YOU WOULD HAVE DIED IF I WASN'T HERE!" Soggy, useless wings flare wide as if cruelly inviting her to look down the beach and see for herself how it is empty. "What about Aeolus?! Why did you do this? WHY?!" He bellows it, and wonders if she can see the fear that drives him to this one sided shouting match. If she can see past the spark of anger to the terror he'd felt to see her limp and drowning in the water, fearing he would not reach her in time and that he would have to be the one to announce his failure to Aeolus, tell him that he was a full orphan at last. 

Pale ears flick back upon the maiden's crown, white daggers and molten eyes that glare back at him. Kaj is a being of old laws and primordial language, and his body language responds in a way that Old Kaj never would have allowed it to - his wings angle themselves into a dominant configuration, drawing his impressive height and mass to impose upon her silently. He felt an appreciative flicker of warmth curl through his gut nonetheless, seeing her snap and scream back at him, lifting her soaked and trembling form from the sand to get back in his face. Does the lamb have some teeth to her after all? Yet he wondered why she spoke so freely and familiarly with him, for it stoke his anger towards her. He was her Czar! He had just SAVED HER LIFE! To speak with such a lack of formality and deference was not only a slight to his title and name, but to the actions he'd taken to ensure she survived her stupid adventure into the depths of the ocean. 

When he walked away? He startled, wings faltering and falling closer to his sides, head tilting and peering unnervingly close at her. When had he walked away from her in a way that would inspire such volatile emotions from her? Azure eyes narrowed, as if trying to find the golden thread that lay within her being so that he could pluck at it and unravel her, take her apart mercilessly, heartlessly, until the core of her truth lay bare and revealed to him. It was all he cared for, aside from perhaps putting her in her place for speaking so familiarly and disrespectfully to him. 

At least that was the plan until she really started talking nonsense. His wings dropped into himself, and he cocked his head and stared bemusedly down at her. And then of all things, she said that word. Kaj reared back, already cursing Other Kaj for his fuck up in this area. You couldn't even fucking clear this up before dumping this on me? Fucking coward. But Brisa was far from finished, and Kaj uneasily looked around them, knowing disappearing once more would just make this problem so much worse. But how was he supposed to tell her that hey, sorry your boyfriend was such a dick and that I happen to wear his face and body, but he decided to erase his memories of you? He wasn't good with the emotional side of things, and he wasn't sure how to approach this without making a big mess of things. If Other Kaj had any good attributes, at least he could handle the emotional messes of others. 

Kaj gave a great sigh, shifting to his right to take weight off his bad shoulder. Well, no time like the present.

"I'm sorry Brisa, but I simply don't remember any of that." Fuck, was that how he was supposed to do this? His empathy had been completely removed, until he was but a drone of his homeland once more, only a few good memories remaining to bolster him and render him a more fitting Helovian. "Other Kaj turned to Miykael and asked him to block our memories. It seems...he also desired to forget you, in some ways. I still remember our friendship, but nothing beyond." Uncomfortable with the confession he shuffled his hooves uncertainly. How could he word it any better? Other Kaj was a soft bellied dick and you should forget about him since he clearly forgot about you too?

"I am sorry that he hurt you," he mumbled in an attempt at comfort, eyes averting from hers. Would she find it odd that he referred to Other Kaj that way? They were two entirely different souls, in his eyes. One weak, one strong. One held to the earth by moral obligations, the other free to make the villainous decisions that needed to be made for the sake of his herd and family. His burden was a feather in comparison to a planet, for how Other Kaj had allowed himself to suffer so needlessly. 

Her anger may have been understandable to any other soul, but Kaj could not comprehend it. He stared bewildered and unblinking as he watched her slim bodice practically vibrate with the intensity of her emotions. They scalded him, boiling water injected straight into his veins, and he hated it. Hated her, for her depravity, her sick display of such profoundly uncomfortable feelings. This was the sort of woman Other Kaj had associated with? It was a further example of how far he’d fallen. Kaj understood the importance of emotions. He was not without a soul, just reverted to the archaic soldier he’d once been before Helovia had changed him. But emotions made you blind, made your skills falters. Emotions got you killed in war. So he could appreciate them, could feel them, even cherished them with the memories he hadn’t erased from Helovia. But it still made him uncomfortable to hear her words hurled at him, her blatant insults and disrespect, when everything in him cried out for her punishment.
 
If this was going to become a routine, it was going to get really old, really fast.
 
“Other Kaj was the coward then, not I,” he corrected, tone a tad sharp with the insult he felt at being spoken down to. “It’s not that I am incapable of feeling them currently, it’s just far more strategic not to!” It was an uncomfortable sensation, to be almost pleading for her to understand, to be so uncomfortable and unsure in his own skin. Perhaps Other Kaj was used to that, but this Kaj was not. He owned his presence, his power, and he associated himself with it wholly. But this? A jaded mistress, lover, mate? Whatever she had been to him at one point in time he could not recall it, but her pain was valid and scorching against him.
 
The necklace felt hot and vile against his skin and he frowned hatefully down at the woman, hating her for her assumptions but incapable of hating her in the way that mattered. Because he did remember her. He remembered her gentle nature and soft laughter, he remembered how she’d relied upon him to learn and find the confidence to wield her new magic. “Of course I remember it,” he snapped defensively, chin tucking subconsciously as if to shield the necklace from her view. “I haven’t taken it off, it still means something to me.” Just because he’d forgotten any romantic developments between them didn’t me he did not care for her.
 
“I don’t know if Miykael can return those memories to me, and furthermore if he can do it singularly. Brisa…I’m sorry but if the only way to find those memories again is to erase every single block he put up…I can’t do that. Other Kaj was weak and a coward, and I will not become him again.” His voice was deep and grounded, rolling like thunder in his chest, eyes sad but severe. He would never fall that far, not again. It was akin to suicide, for his own mind would be erased just as Other Kaj’s was. “I’m still here now. I’m just…different.” Didn’t that mean something?

No matter the volatile nature of their meeting, Kaj cared for Brisa. He did. He would not have been so frantic in his efforts to save her, if he did not. He would have done the same for any other herd member, but he recalled her easy, quiet friendship. That did not simply disappear - though everything else had, he despaired as he watched her wince and cringe beneath the pain of her head wound. There was no magic within Kaj's abilities to take that away from her, but he - and Other Kaj especially - both seemed to have the miraculous knack of bringing more pain to others rather than leeching it away. He hated it, just as he hated that she made this such an issue. He could objectively understand her pain, but the emotions alongside it were dull, his empathy crippled by the removal of the deeply emotional, intimate experiences that had scarred and weakened him. For while he had become stronger of mind and spirit, something had to suffer equally, it seemed. Not everything could be so easy. 

This, especially. 

Kaj frowned deeply, not seeing how she could not comprehend that he and Other Kaj were different. "But I'm not the one who made the call, I'm not the one who initiated the stupidity then," he tried to plead his case, not sure what else he could say to make her understand. Much less what he needed to say in order to ease her from this suffering that he had caused her. It made him feel weary and wounded, though Kaj knew she was more so in this position. It rankled more than any insult she could throw at him. He could not provide for her like a Czar should, she was suffering because of him, and he had no way to stop it. It was torturous, especially because he remembered how fondly he regarded her. He could see now how, previously, that could have easily turned into love. But now he just needed the time for that to happen again, because those experiences had not happened for him. 

Did he want them to?

Pale eyes narrowed in exasperation. "I told you, it wasn't me who decided to cut you out!" He didn't want to grow frustrated with her but he was. He wished there was a way to direct her words to Other Kaj, bypass this matter entirely because it wasn't his fault. But for all her sorrow, her harshest words cut through at the end, for their truth was undeniable. Kaj, who had kept a rather dominant pose this whole time, seemed to crumple before it. His eyes dropped almost instantaneously to the earth, deflating slowly. 

A ghost.

"I know. Brisa, I know. I am not the stallion you know, or...well, knew. And I am not the one you fell in love with. And I will meet far more others like you who will say the same words. All I can do is try to be myself, even if that's not the Kaj that you all adored." Could she not see that asking Miykael to unblock the memories was akin to suicide? He would not be himself anymore. How had Other Kaj managed to stare that kind of fate in the face, unflinching? Knowing he would essentially be erased from existence, replaced by Kaj as he was now? Perhaps he had underestimated his counterpart's strength this whole time.