the Rift


[JUDGED] Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#1

ASHAMIN

They were beginning to speak their own language--master and companion. Ashamin walked slowly along the southern shore and made deep prints in the sand while Lochan fidgeted ahead of him. Come here every leap seemed to say. Follow me, every bound whispered with physicality. Though the two had not yet learned to speak into each other's minds, they knew each other's hearts like great maps carved forever in stone, and Lochan's fits and starts could mean only one thing: he had found something.

The thin sheet of rain that fell from above made mists rise from the earth and covered the beauty that the haruspex knew the Halycon Flats still held. He could not see so well, not in this dim afternoon where the sun was hidden and the mist prevailed. He would rely on his companion, would rely on Lochan leading the way.

But memories of conditions like these still haunted the haruspex. He thought of his battle with Erebos in yet another one of these cruel lands. Perhaps these areas pulled forth from the rift were still cursed--perhaps Ashamin was. But whatever the case, Ashamin did not hope for another fight so bloody. The toll had been too great, the consequences too weighty. Ashamin would never tell the reaper of his digression. Erebos' hurt was a secret that he would have to keep.

Lochan's soft brays grew louder and the haruspex found himself pushing the dark thoughts from his mind. He pushed through the mists, cutting them clean with his marked figure and walking proudly. How different he was now... how different he was always.

And when he caught up to Lochan that difference appeared like a competitive spark leaping from spun wood. Yes, Lochan had found something indeed. The haruspex struck out a forehoof, letting it hover extended over the rain dampened sand like an offering.

"Stranger, would you care for a spar?"

""



The Haruspex
Image Credits



Post: 0/3 A | 0/1 D
Timeline: Standard (3 weeks)
Setting: Late afternoon at the Halycon Flats. The sun is behind clouds and there is a faint drizzle/light rain, covering the shore in mists and making everything gray. The air is cold and damp.
Notes: Ashamin is wearing his Tesla coil. The Bear God mask is worn around his neck but presently sheathed. He has amulets on the same chain as the mask. I have detailed explanations of the items on his page for reference. Please feel free to just jump right into this, I'd rather not attack first if you don't mind going for it.

@Ciceron


See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


Ciceron Posts: 315
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.2 :: 6 HP: 69.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Kiara :: White Tiger :: Poison nickel
#2



Predator and prey walked as one through the shielded mists of the Halycon Flats searching for their next challenge. Their latest victory had been a great one indeed, considering their rival Volterra had proven to be quite the aggressor. Somehow luck had favoured the pair and not decided to turn them both into giant popsicles with no thanks to Volterra's companion, Vérzés.  Well Kiara had at least avoided all the repercussions of battle, he had wound up with a block of ice dangling from the ends of his tail. All in all he was quite satisfied with the turnout.

Irritated with the cool rain Ciceron shakes his muscled body to clear away the built up moisture, his amulets jingling softly against his neck. Why couldn't the weather just stay warm and comfortable instead of flip flopping between hot and cold? This thick fog that surrounded them concealed even the dim light of his markings giving the whole place a rather gloomy sullen appearance. Both himself and Kiara being a mixture of grey's, black's, and white's seemed to fit in nicely into the scenery for once rather than standing out like sore eyes.

It was the pungent scent of another that halted their advance while Kiara took full advantage of her olfactory senses to see who might await them. "Stallion and some sort of antelope type creature." She commented looking up to him for guidance on what he would like to do. Lifting his own mighty crown to the skies his silver eyes could just make out the silhouettes of two his partner had described. Smirking as the words touched his auds he took a moment or two to consider his options. They could either refuse or strike out and give themselves a workout for the day. It was hardly a decision as before he knew it he had extended his own front left hoof striking it to the ground below.

"Take them from behind while I go in head on." Without any hesitation Kiara had transformed from the mellow jungle cat who was just enjoying life, into a predator that was not to be messed with. Setting forward with heavy footfalls in the hopes of masking his tigress's soft footsteps leading around from behind he bellowed out his signal of acceptance. Advancing on the pair with his mane whipping back against his neck he dug deep to ensure that he was able to keep the best footing possible on the already slick surface. Kiara's reflective eyes gave away her position as she advanced from as close to behind as she could get, with a bloodcurdling growl before she tried to pounce up on top of the stallion's back. Seeing his opportunity to sneak his way in, Ciceron lept forward with head drawn downward and in, seeking to use war stomp to set both the opponents off balance before they could react.

Upon landing his attention turned to the large stallion aiming to strike him from front. Thrusting his head forward he aims to puncture whatever he can find with his horn, hopefully in the process distracting Kiara's attack. "It would be my pleasure." He commented with a sarcastic smirk.



Ciceron talks
Silent Speech
Kiara speaks


Words: 531
Attack: 1/3
Summary: Ciceron uses war stomp and tries to distract Ashamin by trying to stab him with his horn. Pays no attention to Lochan at this time. Kiara tries to circle around back of Ashamin and Lochan to take them by surprise, utters a ugly growl before tries leaping up on Ashamin to bite and claw whatever she can get a hold of.

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Table by Moonstone Designs
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[Image: ciceron_by_foxyfirewings-d7npcjn.png][Image: untitled_2_by_moonstone_designs-d9fwqyy.png]
Pixel Base- BronzeHalo
**Please Tag Me In All Posts**
Permission to attack, use magic and injure with the exception of maiming or death.

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#3
[quote='Ashamin' pid='162968' dateline='1449875668']

ASHAMIN


Lochan was so often Ashamin's savior. Now more than ever, the small cerndyr's keen pair of eyes kept Ashamin safe. With the mists obscuring the scene Ashamin could see nothing of the stranger that his companion had uncovered--a lapse in his senses that he would quickly regret ignoring. The painted buck should have been more careful, should have waited to see the opponent before challenging, but the eagerness inhabiting him had gotten the better of his reasoning.

So Ashamin stood, hoof outstretched, awaiting the response that would come too late. Not all were as straightforward as Einarr, not all as willing to introduce and explain as Torleik. His spar with the psycho-babbler (Isopia) had taught him that, if nothing else.

When the warning came it was a flash in his mind: a crude picture drawn by Lochan that reflected the eyes of the tigress at his back. Ashamin heard the growl, understood his mistake. He had not challenged another unicorn, no. The figure in the mist was a predator--perhaps some distant relative of the feline rift god that it had taken so many to subdue. Ashamin tried to snap back and face it but there was simply no way to combat a tiger's flexibility or speed. Even with Lochan's aid, he could not walk away unscathed.

The haruspex slammed his white cloven hoof back into the muddy, heavy sand. It was silent, every move muffled by the soft pattering of rain and the dulling cushion of the shore. These were no rocky slopes; Ashamin was far from the hard, frozen ground he was accustomed to. A tigress, though, had soft pawpads possibly designed for such terrain. How could he compete? Lochan's warning gave Ashamin a second to prepare, but the environment took the advantage away. As the haruspex tried to run he felt the ground shake, saw the ghost of a grey shadow parting the mists, and watched helplessly as his hooves sank weakly into the shuddering sand. However, the buck did not have time to wonder about the approaching shade--did not have a second to wonder if perhaps there was another attacker in the mists that had turned the shore into quicksand--when the tigress landed.

When the tigress landed, Ashamin's already sinking form shook. The addition of weight, the digging in of claws, the sheer bruising impact of it all was staggering. An unfettered cry forced itself out from between the haruspex's black and white lips, echoing through his clenched teeth as he steadied himself on his forelegs. His hindquarters, having taken most of the weight, were the hardest to right. They folded under the onslaught, and Ashamin held onto a grunt as he forced them to straighten beneath him. The motion was like a muffled scrabbling, something that was muted and made ineffective in the sucking sand.

The only advantage, the only positive spin, was this: though the tiger had dragged him almost to the ground; reduced his height; caught him off guard; and latched onto his back with killer claws; Ashamin was pulled under the aim of the grey shadow and true attacker. The horn of the already taller enemy missed him completely the moment that Ashamin's body lowered, the moment his head had drawn down to his chest in agonized instinct. Protect the heart, hide the face from the jaws that would snap and tear flesh from a skull. The painted buck's heart beat loudly, adrenaline coursing through him as streams of blood fell from the puncture wounds and dripped down his flanks. He could hear nothing but the blue electric beat, could put no effort into launching an attack of his own.

Thus, as he so often did, Lochan stepped in as Ashamin's savior.

Without command, the dark cerndyr's mists mixed with those already covering the shore and wove through the patter of the rain. They dove as if animal, hopefully reaching the unicorn attacker and muddling their thoughts. In the meantime Ashamin inhaled, molded his own heart with his spark and warrior's spirit magic to harness the adrenaline and drown out the hurt, and swung his body leftwards. If all went as planned, he might fling the tigress from his back and to the earth in front of its commander. The haruspex could hear none of the opponent's words through the pounding of the blood in his ears, could think nothing of "smart tactics" as he struggled to be rid of the snarling load. There was no time to see or listen, not enough visibility in the misty rain and the splattering of wet sand for Ashamin to make heads or tails of how he compared to his enemy. The painted seer only felt the blood, falling hot from his sides and running through his veins. It was all that he could handle.

""



The Haruspex
Image Credits



Word Count: 799/800
Post: 1/3 A | 0/0 D
Timeline: Standard (3 weeks)
Setting: Late afternoon at the Halycon Flats. The sun is behind clouds and there is a faint drizzle/light rain, covering the shore in mists and making everything gray. The air is cold and damp.
Injuries: Puncture wounds and bruises on his back.
Notes: To judge--sorry both Nickel and I forgot to mention, but this is an OOC teaching spar, I'll be giving notes.

TEACHING
Since you started things off I can't speak to how you took damage, but overall I think you had a good groundwork here. Your attacks are realistic and make sense, as long as Ciceron has more violent intentions than simply a spar. If Ciceron is just looking for a "workout" though, then maybe the attacks are a bit intense. Again, though, that makes sense depending on your own character's definition of what is or is not very violent; this doesn't have to be and often dramatically is unknown to the opponent but it should be defined for the reader. In general though, trying to stab with a horn outright and siccing a tiger to jump on the back sounds pretty intense to me.

You did have a lot of attacks, which I do think is worth mentioning. Though all three made sense, together they are a lot for the person taking damage (in this case me) to work with, and also make our timeline more complicated. Because not all your attacks were simultaneous (Kiara leaped, Ciceron leaped, then landed and went for the stab) you force me to insert Ashamin in between those attacks, but his options are limited by you having already written into the future. To break this down:

Kiara tried to pounce. This is fine, makes sense for a tiger to do and is very typical of a predator. A super realistic tiger move, good job. You had good wording with trying to do it so I am not forced to take the attack. BUT you say in your summary that Kiara "tries leaping up on Ashamin to bite and claw whatever she can get a hold of." Your post itself just says she tries to pounce on Ashamin, so I can't actually write her biting and clawing. The judge won't read your summary, since the post has to speak for itself without needing external clarification, so if you want to include a summary for yourself/the opponent you have to be sure that what it says is in your post, too. You had plenty of words left (a wise judge once told me to use the word count to my fullest advantage, it is your friend!) and could have elaborated on this to make it mean what you wanted.

Next: Ciceron leaps to do war stomp. Though I'm not sure why he had to leap to do this since it's a stop rather than a jump, it works fine. The problem comes when Ciceron lands. By having Ciceron land and then attack AGAIN before I can post, any option to write interfering with Ciceron when he was not landed is lost. For example I may have had Ashamin rush forward and rear to collide with him, try to knock Ciceron off balance, etc. I can still write Ashamin doing stuff independently, but not anything that interacts with Ciceron.

So by now you already have a lot going on, so you can probably see why the third attack makes it a lot overall, possibly too much. For simplicity's sake it's often easier to do just one, maybe two, attacks in a post. Three is in my opinion about the absolute max and you have to be careful with ordering and wording, too.

There were some sentences that could have been improved upon by using some more of those words, and a couple spelling and grammar things that I noticed/encountered:

" Seeing his opportunity to sneak his way in..."
  • This was confusing to me. Was Ciceron really sneaking? He's coming from the front, and while it's misty and he is gray, you didn't mention those in your post when they perhaps would have helped you. Since Kiara is from behind (or did she circle back there? A bit unclear) I thought at first he was, too, which was also strange. In my post, Ashamin spoke to Ciceron, "the stranger", so we know that Ashamin has sensed he is not alone. I will admit I should have written clearer, but I was trying to keep things open. As is, Ciceron's sneaking makes it feel like Ashamin wouldn't have sensed him. He didn't "try" and sneak his way in so it's definitive.

    Sidenote: Don't forget breed and height differences! Ciceron is a whole hand taller. Kiara is still big enough and tigery enough to jump onto a horse's back, but she's not as big as a real tiger and you should bring that up. I understand it's misty, but Ciceron is getting close enough (and Kiara's eyes are sharp enough) that you should be able to pick out some of Ashamin' build or general appearance, at least.

    It's great to see Ciceron being Ciceron. He's a great character and he's very focused on his role as a fighter. I liked that you used his past experience/memories of sparring with Volterra in this, it's often a good way to ground the character in a spar mindset and do the same for the reader, too. I would have liked to see some more of Ciceron in the moment, maybe even some more of his relationship with Kiara, (again, you had room for these in the word count) but overall good job. :)

    Ciceron has a good and straightforward style. It's clear that you know him well. I think in general Overall, what a great start! I'm very excited to see where this goes.


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
    Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


    Ciceron Posts: 315
    Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.2 :: 6 HP: 69.5 | Buff: ENDURE
    Kiara :: White Tiger :: Poison nickel
    #4


    The finer details of the dark blob come to light before him as the distance dissolves with each hoof beat. His opponents materialize slowly through the mist to reveal a bi-coloured stag of unknown origin and something of a much smaller stature. Kiara had mentioned something about an antelope or something so his assumptions leaned towards that being the smaller of the two, unless his opponent was a midget. You never know it could always happen.

    Tremors rocked the ground as the full force of his war stomp took hold, as his hooves dug deep for traction on the sloppy surface. It was quite like a skating rink in mid February where you can't quite skate or swim, but rather glide across and pray you don't hit a weak point and take the plunge. If it would be anyone taking any plunges today it would have to be him, Kiara was not allowed to get hurt. While he did not tend to dwell much on tedious details or grudges if you hurt Kiara, he would hurt you. No matter the circumstance if Kiara got injured it would always be his fault for not being there to protect her. While they both chose to waltz onto the battlefield with heads held high, the responsibility was his and his alone.

    Checking his stride last minute to avoid knocking Kiara off target he felt a sharp twinge of pain spasm into his left shoulder. Dammit, Volterra! He cursed silently remembering all too well the bruising the varmint had inflicted upon him. It would appear that the soft tissue bruising had not completely healed itself yet. Great, this was perfect. Now he not only had to get the job done he also had to deal with prior implications. As the pain faded away as quickly as it had come he made careful note to try and avoid straining the muscle any further if he could help it.

    The sound of tearing flesh and the fresh aroma of blood filled the air around them when all three of them came together. Not only were his eyes capable of seeing the razor claws of his companion slice into the stallion's hide he could almost feel as if it was him doing the deed. Kiara's flashed point of view sprang to him almost immediately upon impact before fading away, as he felt the power surge through her small frame. God, was he ever glad that he was not the one at the opposite end of that attack this time around. From experience he knew just how much that would hurt from all the practice sessions he had become victim to. Raising a tiger from newborn to adult was no easy task, from the teething stages to the hunting dramatizations; he had seen it all and bore the scars to prove it.

    Finding his own attack hitting nothing but thin air drew his attention back to his own movements. Determination bubbled from deep within as his eyes flashed hot molten. Nothing felt worse than attacking your opponent only to miss completely! No, now this was going to become a personal mission to land a few good hits before the battle wrapped itself up. As his mind starts drawing together his next movements skillfully a strange feeling passes over him drawing away his thoughts like someone popping a balloon. Blinking many times to try and clear spreading fog it takes a few long seconds before Kiara's voice pops into his mind. "What you doing! A little help?" Shaking his head his eyes settle on Kiara's form as she is thrown off balance by the stallion's movements landing in the mud. A angered growl emanates from her throat as she immediately tries to launch herself back into action aiming to dig in her poisoned fangs.

    Shaking off the strange cloudiness just in time to avoid trampling over Kiara he pins his ears and refocuses his attack. While he would like to fry the bastard that was playing around with his mind he knows he can't do it with Kiara so close. Snorting loudly to express his annoyance he tucks his head tighter against his muddy chest and throws his weight into his forelimbs. Praying that his feet do not slide in the muck, he kicks out with both hind limbs aiming to barrel kick the stallion in the side as he hopefully spins towards him. At least with Kiara in front of him there should be a relatively decent chance that he will not cause her any harm.


    Words:
    758/800
    Attack: 2/3
    Injuries: Mildly strained left front shoulder
    Summary: Readjusts his stride to avoid Kiara and re-strains an old shoulder injury from Volterra. Kiara gets thrown off into the mud but rebounds to try and sink in her teeth to Ashamin's flesh. Ciceron avoids Kiara and tries to barrel kick Ashamin in the shoulder/neck area.


    Ciceron talks
    Kiara speaks

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    Table by Moonstone Designs
    [Image: ciceron_by_foxyfirewings-d7npcjn.png][Image: untitled_2_by_moonstone_designs-d9fwqyy.png]
    Pixel Base- BronzeHalo
    **Please Tag Me In All Posts**
    Permission to attack, use magic and injure with the exception of maiming or death.

    Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
    Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
    Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
    #5

    ASHAMIN


    The moment he was free of the tigress on his back, Ashamin's heart soared with relief. The motion tired him, and readjusting to the lack of weight caused him to slip in the muddy sand, but for a moment after he recovered the haruspex was able to just stand, to just feel himself as he was.

    What was Ashamin? Well, he was having a shit day. Pain did more than prick him, it tore him up. He stood breathing, taking advantage of whatever affect Lochan's mists appeared to have on the silver stallion, but every exhale was hurt and struggle, every inhale a reminder of how he was just barely hanging on. Simply the soft stir of air on his back, so covered in cuts on top of bruises, brought with it subtle agonies that Ashamin would not soon forget.

    Lochan, sated with success but concerned for his bonded, darted farther from the fray and flashed images in Ashamin's mind as he tried to get a clear view. Lochan was small and agile enough to get around the attackers, but he knew that Ashamin would prefer he instead play the distant role of the watchtower. It was this decision alone that saved Ashamin from the tigress' next move--the haphazard painting in Ashamin's mind of a set of fangs alone that spared him.

    The image came with a wave of panic, and Ashamin took a small hop-like jump forward to try and clear himself of the tigress. With his legs off the ground he kicked both hooves back, striking blindly but hoping the tigress might be behind him. Even that motion, though, simply moving the body below his spine, tugged at the cuts and bothered the bruises. He landed in a swift moment, a grunt filtering through his teeth as he shut his eyes tightly.

    Shut them tight enough and maybe he could keep out the pain, maybe he could... no. The moment he landed, his eyes still shut, an image flashed in his mind. Two hoofprints solid and strong, inked marks sent by his companion a second too late. Ashamin opened his eyes and turned his head to the sight of his enemy's hind hooves moving towards his side--opened his eyes to complete pain.

    The movement to the left had exposed his right, the landing in the mud weakened his stance, and the other stallion's superior height and strength caused the attack to hit with full force. Ashamin felt the hooves press into his side as if they were hot irons. Given that he was shorter than the opponent, the buck hit high on his side and just where the tigress' claws had cut, knocking the painted buck towards the back of his ribs where they joined with the same vertebrae that sat beneath bruised muscle. The crack was sharp and immediate, the pain even more so. When before he'd taken lacerations and bruises, now Ashamin took a sharp hit that went straight to bone. His teeth gnashed together but not before a cry came loose from somewhere deep in his chest. It was the desperate and contorted call made by the losing forces in war.

    Were Ashamin not in so much pain--were his forelegs not slipping in the mud as he struggled to stay standing, was his right side not burning, were his lungs not knocked empty--he might have tried to speak and ask for this violent challenger to cease his onslaught. Maybe the painted buck was getting cocky, but he wasn't a fool. He knew when to cut his losses, and now might be the time to do so.

    Lochan, though, would not so easily give in. The sound of his bonded's hurt rang in his ears and set off first a panicked, prey response and then a deeper, more powerful one. A big rage filled the little cerndyr, causing him to charge for the stallion that had harmed Ashamin with so little discrimination, with no intention other than (as far as Lochan knew) cruelty. It was a small war cry, a desperate young bellow, but still Lochan ran forth with his head lowered and the buds of his antlers swinging as he hoped to tackle the backs of the enemy's forelegs.

    Somehow, out of the corner of his rolling eye, Ashamin saw his companion. Air rushed back into his lungs and as he managed to get his legs righted under him, a call of "Lochan, no!" rang free. For once though the cerndyr thought nothing of the danger, or of where Ashamin would want him to be. Lochan thought only of revenge and return: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. He would protect Ashamin at all costs; who else did the little eye need in life but the haruspex?

    ""



    The Haruspex
    Image Credits



    Word Count: 796/800
    Post: 2/3 A | 0/0 D
    Timeline: Standard (3 weeks)
    Injuries: Puncture wounds and bruises on his back.
    Note to judge: At the time of this spar, Ashamin had not yet received the Bulk buff and so his strength was lower than Ciceron's.

    TEACHING

    What Worked
  • Companion Relationship: This was just beautiful. Seeing Kiara and Ciceron work together was awesome, and the way that her point of view and words flashed in his head, as well as his memory of raising her, showed that they're a great team.
  • Emotion: I got a good sense of emotion in this post too because I knew about the companion relationship, those worked hand in hand. I also really liked seeing Ciceron's frustration when his attack didn't land and he got hurt from the previous injury.
  • Previous Experience: See the above two, but basically I got a sense of Ciceron being a good half of a trained warrior team with his thoughts about Kiara and Volterra.
  • Creative Damage: Nice job with the previous injury acting up! You don't see that a lot and it was very well done, and since it didn't last long or affect him too much it responded well to the dice roll.
  • Environment: Good job keeping the slipperiness of the environment in mind, and I loved your thing about February iced over ponds.

    What Needs Work
  • Noting the Opponent: So you took damage from something other than Ashamin, which was fine, but you still need to mention what Ashamin and Lochan did. This is incredibly important. I wrote that Ashamin swung left, and as far as I can tell Ciceron and Kiara didn't see that at all, Kiara just fell. But how, and in what direction? Ciceron also didn't note why his own attack missed Ashamin, or really much about Ashamin's position throughout your post.
  • Describing Your Attacks: In a misty slippery situation like this it's very possible that Ciceron and Kiara might not know where they are aiming, but it's important for your opponent that you make this clear. You said Kiara tried to bite Ashamin with poison fangs but made no note as to where, and since it's not clear where she is in relation to Ashamin I can't really figure it out. In order to take that attack, I'd sort of have to powerplay where Kiara is in relation to Ashamin, which means I don't have the option of taking it at all. Ciceron's attack was clearer but still left me a little in the dark, since you didn't say which side of Ashamin Ciceron is on or aiming for, or even more specifically what part of the side (since it's a big body part, there's options). I also wasn't sure if you meant barrel was what he was aiming for, or if you were just saying it was a barrel kick. Either way, it's all a bit confusing, so be sure to use directions.
  • Not Taking Damage: Specifically, when you realistically might. You were pretty vague about Kiara's landing on the ground, but chances are if she was thrown off like you said, a landing would hurt. It's true cats land on their feet, but in slippery mud, when falling only a short distance, and if you're being shaken around, its harder to do that. Just be wary of putting yourself in situations when you might take more damage than you need to without writing the damage being taken, you could have written her jumping off of her own will and maybe scratching at Ashamin's back one last time with hind claws as she did and it would have allowed her to land more safely and even make a clear attack.


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
    Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


    Ciceron Posts: 315
    Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.2 :: 6 HP: 69.5 | Buff: ENDURE
    Kiara :: White Tiger :: Poison nickel
    #6


    By this point in the battle it was hard to tell who was really what colour with the plaster of mud coating each of their bodies in some manner or another. His own which was normally a dark steely grey had turned into more of a black bay sort of hue that looked more like shit than any other colour he could come up with. Kiara being the meticulous feline would need to groom herself for days on end just to try and remove the slimy coating that turned her coat from white to a murky brown. All in all it was a complete muddy mess that would take much cleaning when the theoretical dust settled.

    Hearing the sounds of pain leave the painted stallion as he tried to respond the mighty grey knew that they had at least part of their act down pat. The first part of their routine had always been to get out to the right start and deal as much damage as possible. Pain could either motivate you, maim you, cripple you, or the latter. If it was the whole triad then you were much better off as a lumpy sack of potatoes about to be french fried. He was no stranger to pain and over the years had taken quite the beating time and time again. His first taste of pain would have to be the multiple times as a child when his father would beat him to try and push him farther than his body could take him. He had been weak and scrawny back then and with the lumbering size of his father there was no way to stand up for himself. As he grew life only got worse until he began to fill out and grow into his bulky frame that he bore today.

    It wasn't clear as to exactly when the beatings ceased to exist for his memories were still muddled from the magic that had been keeping them restrained for so long. Something had happened and he couldn't figure out if he had been a part of it or not. The big question in his mind still bothered him, was his father still alive out there? Was he still torturing the innocent and making families suffer the consequences? All he could hope was that the bastard was not anywhere close to where he was currently living. He wasn’t sure if he could deal with that if it did happen, could he face the monster that had haunted him for almost his entire lifetime?

    Speaking of pain, he felt his gut curl just as his eyes caught sight of Kiara getting clipped by the stallion's hooves. She had been almost out of his reach when he had thrown in an unexpected buck just barely clipping her right hip sending her rolling into the mud. Rage filled his breast in an instant making him extremely happy that he had landed his hooves exactly where he had wanted them. No one touched his feline and got away with it he thought through the molten lava clouding his better judgement. Too focused on what was happening before him the silver warrior had forgotten about the smallest deer thing until he felt the red hot pain sear into the backs of his hind legs. The antlers sliced deep into the flesh threatening to tear close to those precious tendons holding him upright. An enraged bellow left his lips as the immediate response was to kick out at the thing causing the pain. Rolling his weight onto his front hooves he gathered what power he could and unleashed it in a small buck hoping to catch the creature and throw it back to where it had come from.

    Landing was much more painful than he had been expecting as the slices had torn gashes into his legs spilling blood onto the muddy battlefront. Staggering with gritted teeth and pinned ears the grey giant gave up playing nice and let loose the torrent of electricity that quickly consumed the air around him. It was his hope that wherever the paint had gotten himself to was still close enough to get lit up like a Christmas tree, especially considering where there was mud there was water. Kiara he hoped was far enough away that she would not be affected by the blast, but at this point he was only praying that things would not take a turn for the worse.  


    Words: 743
    Attack: 3/3
    Injuries: Mildly strained right front shoulder, deep lacerations to both hind legs.
    Summary: Becomes enraged when Kiara gets knocked by Ashamin's attack, sustains injuries to both hind legs from Lochan. Bucks out to try and throw Lochan back and stop him injuring his legs further. Unleashes his magic to try and electrocute Ashamin and Lochan.
    :: [ Magic: DarkxSpark | Can create a cloud of high-voltage static electricity around himself ] :: [ Restrictions | Limited to a radius of 5m ]


    Ciceron talks
    Kiara speaks

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    Table by Moonstone Designs
    [Image: ciceron_by_foxyfirewings-d7npcjn.png][Image: untitled_2_by_moonstone_designs-d9fwqyy.png]
    Pixel Base- BronzeHalo
    **Please Tag Me In All Posts**
    Permission to attack, use magic and injure with the exception of maiming or death.

    Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
    Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
    Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
    #7

    ASHAMIN


    Slowly, the effects of the rain had begun to increase. Ashamin hadn't noticed it at first, but now as he stood, watching the inevitable, it all became clear to him. The cold way that the droplets struck his coat almost burned. Muddy mixtures of blood, rain, and dirt ran down the haruspex, leaving lines like tear trails along his warrior's form. Lochan, Ashamin's little eye, was running headlong into danger, and what was Ashamin doing?

    Standing. Just... standing. The tigress had tumbled away with the kick and not returned, apparently schooled well enough, and the silver enemy had not drawn near to attack once again. That buck had been enough for him, apparently. Ashamin waited, then, in complete pain of the body and heart. Blood washed away from claw marks that still ached, sending shivers through his chest as it passed along the bulging skin that covered a newly cracked rib. How would he even get home? He watched, numb helpless and terrified, as Lochan attacked; would he have to go back alone?

    No, the haruspex should have had more faith than that. Lochan was fast and had been watching long enough to know where to strike. With a tilt of his head the cerndyr somehow sliced the crucial flesh of the opponent, exposing the innards of a leg with ease. Ashamin's jaw dropped and dark, coal eyes grew wide enough that their whites showed.

    L-l-lochan... his mind stuttered as his heart went blank. Before Ashamin could warn the young cerndyr about the retaliating buck Lochan was leaping cleanly away, catching only the very edge of the silver one's hoof upon his rump. The pain was sharp but minor, equivalent to that of an irritation more than anything else, and Ashamin was barely able to register it through their bond. The haruspex wanted to worry but couldn't, not when the cerndyr's eyes turned upon him with their unbreakable gaze. Lochan was fine and had only been clipped by the enemy; maybe the companion was inconsequentially bruised, but he was brand new compared to his battered bonded. The cerndyr landed at last a fair amount of paces away, slipping in the mud but recovering well enough. On the sidelines, he would not be harmed.

    What about Ashamin, then? The bold haruspex was reduced to nearly nothing as his companions fought his battles for him, and eerily well. Lochan's budded antlers dripped with red, blood that crossed over his markings and painted him in the stench of passing life. Ashamin's flanks and back heaved and shivered, his right rib screamed out every time he tried to inhale. What was he, but useless?

    The painted buck at least had his eyes. He was shocked by Lochan's quick mercilessness, perhaps even scared by it, but not totally incapacitated. The first sign of his enemy's magic was a glimmer of spark in the air, just bright enough that it could be made out despite the thick mists, and Ashamin did not have the patience or energy to withstand whatever was to come. Without the time to wait and see exactly what that magic was, he would have to find out later.

    With a grimace, Ashamin lowered his head and grabbed the chain of his necklace, thrusting forth his moon amulet at the same moment that he lashed his long tail towards the opponent. The weight of the Bear God's mask was not too much but it was more than a burden than he had the energy to carry, so his grip was tenuous. Still, it was good enough; whatever the enemy had planned fizzled and mixed with the dark mists inside the small, bottle-like moon charm and Ashamin let go of the chain, dropping it to his chest again. His coiled tail sparked innocently as he aimed it vaguely for the open flesh on the other buck's hind legs, he was too tired to care which one. Hopefully the rain could amplify the coil's effects and cause some real (and well deserved) damage to his enemy's pillars.

    Ashamin, so crippled by pain, was unable to move any other part of his body to attack but he had at least his magic on his side. At the last second he tried to cast forth his own heartbeat as he had against the Rift Bear God, hoping it would reach the enemy and distract him so he wouldn't notice the other attack headed his way.

    This, the haruspex hoped, would be the end. It had to be, for he could barely stand. Everything was blood and hurt, and whatever sense he had of his life had faded the moment Lochan had torn those legs apart as if they were nothing but the strings of a spider web. How had Ashamin not seen that strength before?

    ""



    The Haruspex
    Image Credits



    Word Count: 798/800 (wordcounter.net)
    Post: 3/3 A | 0/0 D
    Notes: My deepest apologies, I did not mean to take this long with my reply. Life ate me for a while there and when I was on absent I had trouble getting back into the groove afterwards, have had half of this written for like forever. Forgot to update injuries in the last post too, my b.

    TEACHING

    What Worked
  • Environment usage: I loved the description you had in the beginning of your post about the mud and how it made them look and feel. It's a little detail but an important one, so good  job keeping it in mind.
  • History: The little snippet that I got of Ciceron's past here was something I didn't know about him by reading other regular posts. It's really interesting how he thinks about pain and why he thinks about it that way. Not to mention he shows his experience here, which in part justifies how well he's doing in this spar. Since Ciceron is no stranger to pain he's able to withstand it to inflict it. Similarly, he also understands that a less experienced fighter like Ashamin might be totally knocked out by a few good hits in the beginning. While the effectiveness of those attacks was really reliant on dice, in character it should be reliant not on luck but on your character's skill. Ciceron is pulling it all off really well here, it's smart to take a moment to acknowledge that.
  • Emotion: Bam! When Ashamin hurts Kiara that response in instantaneous. As always and before, you write the pair of them wonderfully. This is just one of the many moments where I've felt in this post and spar as a whole Ciceron's emotion was really present and on point. I've never once been struggling for muse to write my own posts because yours were dry, every post is overflowing with him and his feelings (in the best way!)

    What Needs Work
  • Companion magic: Lochan is still at an age where he has a limited capability of dark mists, so his magic might not be so effective that it would STILL be muddling Ciceron's thoughts. On top of that, Lochan's dark mists attack was early on in the battle and accompanied by a very low roll of a one. Effects from 1 rolls shouldn't usually last more than one post, or be something that consistently bothers you throughout the fight.
  • Companion damage: Don't take too much of it. It's true that a six is a big roll, but Ashamin's damage isn't especially high at a 4.5 and that is also part of what you should factor in. You say that Kiara is "clipped," but that also sends her rolling into the mud. Cat's have incredible balance and even if they didn't, clipping someone isn't something that's necessarily going to send them reeling like that. Heck, hardened fighters like Ciceron and Kiara in the movies get clipped by bullets and they still stay standing, as do hunted animals. In part this was your wording, but you seemed to take more damage to Kiara than you needed to, especially given the damage Ciceron takes. I took my 1 roll here as Lochan getting clipped by Ciceron since it made sense anyway and might show you how it could affect him.
  • Damage and attack interpretation: First thing's first, be as specific as possible when talking about where you take the damage. It can feel stilted but it's important. Where on the hind legs did Lochan get Ciceron? With what you said it seems like it could be anywhere from stifle to fetlock, which is a big range. Next, you should think about whether or not it's even possible for Lochan to have inflicted the damage as you read it. I have, both on his profile and in my previous post, that his antlers are just buds, not fully grown in. So they're not exactly sharp or big enough to slice open tough old Ciceron's legs. Plus, Lochan himself is not very big. He's a plain Cerndyr (2.5 feet and 60 lbs according to the guidebook) and not even a year old, so he's less than half of Ciceron's height and I don't know how much Ciceron weighs, but maybe 1/16th of his weight. So Lochan is not very big, and probably not very strong, and his antlers aren't fully grown in. Logistically any damage he would have done might have been more like blunt force. Even if Lochan could have pulled that off, I'm not sure you needed to take quite so much damage. Given Ashamin's damage, tearing open just one of the hind legs and not taking a hit to Kiara would have been probably been enough. Also, I'm not sure Ciceron would have been able to kick back with his legs so horribly torn up--remember that damage like that will have a lasting effect.
  • Describing magic: Just a little thing, but I would have liked a bit more description of Ciceron's magic attack. If not for the summary it would have maybe not been quite clear enough to understand, and you have to be sure that the attack is obvious without the summary.


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
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    Ciceron Posts: 315
    Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.2 :: 6 HP: 69.5 | Buff: ENDURE
    Kiara :: White Tiger :: Poison nickel
    #8


    Light filled the air around the warrior as the electrical energy coursed the length of his body before billowing out around him. Anger and fear consumed him as his eyes switched from the painted stud and his blasted deer to trying to find Kiara amongst the commotion. If she were injured he didn't know what he would do, would he be able to restrain his rash temper? There were not too many instances that could enrage the beast to such a point but when it came to his family he would fight tooth and nail until he either won or breathed his last breath. They were all that he had and he was not about to let anyone take that from him especially the painted bitch that had shattered his heart into tiny slivers. From the ashes he had needed to rebuild the foundation that he had today and she was no way a part of it. His kids and Kiara had given him the reason to continue on and push through the pain, this was his life and nobody was going to take it from him now.

    A sharp crack like that of a whip shot through the silence making him jump forward as red hot pain shot back into his wounded legs once more. Turning his head he snapped out in retaliation knowing that his teeth would fall on nothing but air, the stag was too far away. Snorting loudly his silver orbs pierced into the stallion's skull but his feet remained planted firmly in the muck. "No more, you hurt." Kiara's voice whispered to him as she stalked back onto the battlefield placing herself between the two testosterone fueled beasts. Teeth bared she dared the wounded paint to make another move towards her silver warrior for she would gladly take him on to protect her bonded. She was willing the battle to cease for the sake of his own health but what of hers? Eyes swiftly swept over her sleek frame frantically searching for the injuries he feared were present. Mud covered nearly every part of her body but from what he could tell there were no serious bloody injuries that he could see outwardly. Releasing a breath he hadn't known he was holding the grey gave a small sigh of relief.

    Enough was enough and this battle had come to a close. Both of them were battered and beaten but in the end stronger then they had been only a short time ago. Yes they might feel weak in the moment but they would heal and learn from their mistakes becoming only much stronger in the long run. "Enough! Kiara is correct in saying that enough blood has been shed here today. You fought well stranger." He commented drawing his head back to draw him back to his full height to regard the stallion with a calm yet firm tone. This battle had been challenging but there was no need to take it further than they already had. Satisfied with his small speech the silver stud turned for home motioning for Kiara to follow.  


    Closing Post
    Words: 518
    Attack: 3/3 (no attack made this post)
    Injuries: Mildly strained right front shoulder, deep lacerations to both hind legs.

    Ciceron talks
    Kiara speaks

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    Table by Moonstone Designs
    [Image: ciceron_by_foxyfirewings-d7npcjn.png][Image: untitled_2_by_moonstone_designs-d9fwqyy.png]
    Pixel Base- BronzeHalo
    **Please Tag Me In All Posts**
    Permission to attack, use magic and injure with the exception of maiming or death.

    Official Posts: 847
    Administrator
    Stallion :: Equine :: ::
    Official
    #9
    By my verdict: ASHAMIN is the winner!

    CICERON
    Realism [0]
    You do well to incorporate past experiences in Ciceron’s posts. I loved his recent history with Volterra, and how that spar affects this one with his injuries as well as his determination to find another fight. The father back history with his father is great too, because it unfolds another dimension of Ciceron as a character. Great job!

    Make sure that you respond to everything your opponent writes, even if the attack misses. From your writing, it is very obscure on how Kiara responded to Ashamin’s retaliation, except that she just fell away. Not only do you have to mention what your opponent has done, and how you respond to it, it is also important to react to how your previous attacks have fallen. Often, this can help with emotion. Is he happy they fell the way they did? Angry they missed? Etc.

    Also, it is very important to use directional language. You need to write directions on where your character is in terms of the opponent, as well as directions where and how you attack. You write that Kiara tries to bite Ashamin, but not where in any way. There is no description of where she is in terms of Ashamin, or in where she attacks. You need to strive to be completely clear on this so that your opponent can respond well without falling into having to powerplay where your character is. Likewise, you do not mention where Ciceron attacks except for “Ashamin’s side”. Which side? Where is Ciceron? The “side” is a very large portion of the horse and there are plenty of places to make an assault—be certain to where you are positioning your character, and where they are attempting to attack.

    Also, be very careful about the damage you take, and also be mindful of where/how that damage comes. I think you took too much damage from Lochan’s attack to Ciceron’s legs, and it could have been better understood. Jen writes that Lochan’s horns are just buds, which means they are not fully grown in, and probably would not have the power/sharpness to cut into Ciceron. Also, he is a small companion.

    In your closing defense, you completely ignore Ashamin’s attack. You had plenty of words to use here, and failed to use them. Make sure you respond to everything written. It would have been nice to see Ciceron react to the use of the amulet.

    Emotion [+1]
    Emotionally, this spar was very flat. I was grabbed, however, by the bonded and companion relationship—you can tell how much each creature cares for the other. I would have liked to see more emotion in response to attacks, defenses, history, etc. as a whole.

    Prose [+1.5]
    Throughout the fight, you have several tense changes. You switch from past tense to present tense verbiage in every post. Make sure you proofread. You also have, in post two, an instance of voice change: you continually write in third person, but then briefly switch to second person (using “you”) and then back to third. Make sure you stay consistent in your writing. You also have some errors, listed below:

    P1: Halycon :: halcyon

    :: grey's, black's, and white's :: no apostrophe’s necessary, there is no possession.

    P2: :: “A angered growl” :: an angered
    In post two, you wrote: “It was quite like a skating rink in mid February where you can't quite skate or swim, but rather glide across and pray you don't hit a weak point and take the plunge.” THIS WAS GREAT! I loved the imagery. In my head, I saw Ciceron on ice-skates nearly falling on his face. It was great. Keep it up!

    Readability [+1]
    In your first post you wrote: “Thrusting his head forward he aims to puncture whatever he can find with his horn, hopefully in the process distracting Kiara's attack”, which confused me. Is he attempting to distract from Kiara’s attack, or distract her while she is attacking? Make sure to be clear in your language.

    Also, your table font is small and I ask that you increase the size in the future. Otherwise, your posts were easy to follow and understand.

    Finally tally: 43.5=(3.5*2)= 50.5 HP

    *******************************************

    ASHAMIN

    Realism [+3]
    You definitly know the mechanics of fighting, and your posts are enjoyable to read. You mention the surroundings and how the effect Ashamin and Lochan in this spar, which is always a good thing to incorporate. You mention stats, breed, and size differences a few times but they are fleeting--you do not go on to really describe how these help or hinder your character except in how they make Ciceron's attacks fall on him.

    In post three, I think you took too much damage by writing: “passed along the bulging skin that covered a newly cracked rib.” The dice roll was a six, which is a lot, but I think that breaking/fracturing bones is an extreme, severe injury which should be reserved for a critical hit. I warn you to stay away from fracturing/breaking bones, because that is very dangerous to horse's survival!

    Emotion [+1.5]
    You know Ashamin well, but this spar was sort of lacking in the emotional department. I did enjoy, however, the interactions between bonded and companion. Especially in post two, when you wrote:

    “For once though the cerndyr thought nothing of the danger, or of where Ashamin would want him to be. Lochan thought only of revenge and return: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. He would protect Ashamin at all costs; who else did the little eye need in life but the haruspex?”

    Prose [+3]
    Each post was well written, full of beautiful imagery and captivating. You obviously take time into proof-reading and making sure each post is error-free and understandable.

    Readability [+2.5]
    Each post was easy to follow, understand, and enjoyable to read.

    Finally tally: 34.5+(9.5*2)= 53.5 HP


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