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Armed and Free [ASHAMIN v. THRANDUIL]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#3
01-04-2016, 08:22 PM
Ashamin

Satisfaction rang through the haruspex like a bell. It should have been a warning sign, but the success of his attack was enough to knock out logic. Bite down, his body said, get closer. You can win this. You're a warrior at heart.

So he was distracted. The fact that the Laurelin didn't fall to the ground in a writhing mess should have tipped Ashamin off, but it didn't. Self-consciousness crept up on Ashamin; he second-guessed himself rather than Thranduil. Why consider that the lord was faking the injury when the possibility of his own failure, his own inability to control this new power, was an option? Maybe he wasn't a warrior, maybe he couldn't win this. It was true that Ashamin was more confident than usual--more confident especially with his teeth crunching metal like puddy--but old habits died hard.

Then again, so did new rage. Blood filled his mouth as the metal bent, and he couldn't tell if it was Thranduil's or his own. He felt a small scrape of the Laurelin's armor along his tongue, enough to cause him to pull back sharply at the twinge of pain.

After that, everything happened so quickly that Ashamin couldn't keep track of it. He slowed, ceasing his charge forth and bending his head down as he spat out blood. By chance (what the painted buck would later pass off as skill) the new stance put his already shorter form below the worst of Thranduil's attack. Ashamin felt the air sing above him and kept low; no need to lift himself up and put himself in harm's way. Slowly, no longer hastened by the momentum of his forward motion, the haruspex backed away from where the Laurelin's faint shadow was cast on the ground. The outline was fuzzy and obscured by mist, but clear enough for Ashamin to stay away from the deadly horns of the opponent.

The stag heard what came before he saw it, but he recognized it all; an amulet of the laurelin's had shattered, just like the one Ashamin had used against the mysterious earthen mare. So that was why the fallen lord hadn't hurt more from the magic. Ashamin hadn't missed, the power had simply been stolen out from under him. He let out a wild and furious neigh, dodging to his right like a bull shaking the matador from its horns. No, Ashamin thought with swift decision. This would not be how he would fall. His tail lashed behind him, his hooves stomped on the permafrost, and after aiming to pull himself right and away from the shards of amulet, he tried to draw backwards to increase the distance between himself and Thranduil. What a vile, cheat of a move. Had Thranduil really thought Ashamin would let himself be grounded by his own magic?

The only thing was, the focus it took to dodge the magic coming from the amulet left the haruspex vulnerable. As Ashamin backed away, a darker magic followed him. Smoke filled his eyes with a sudden sting. He could not shut his eyes fast enough, could not pull his face away in time. Suddenly the whole world around him went dark and his eyes burned.

Some part of the haruspex knew it wouldn't last, but every move the laurelin made him insane with anger. The smoke blinding him made him cough, as if it affected all his senses. Still, even blindly, Ashamin tried to back away. He continued on his planned path, seconds ticking away. Not even a minute had passed, perhaps half of one, and already the gold lord's magic was fading. Ashamin blinked to clear away the last of it, made some guttural noise like a snarl, and made a cold, calculated decision.

One of the two sun amulets swinging low beneath his breast spun and glowed, cracking as the magic of another burst from its seams. There, within its confines, was trapped Hotaru's power. It hummed with windsong just as Ashamin regained his sight. Ash fell from his eyelids and left gray trails in tears, but he would not be beaten down. Slowly he turned away from the Laurelin as the amulet tensed and threatened to break; carefully he positioned himself to get clear of the chaos. Ashamin had lived through the hurt of Hotaru's storm once before, he wouldn't let himself be put through it again. Thus, when the amulet shattered at last and hopefully unleashed the power of a fourth category hurricane filled with blades, Ashamin turned fully and ran for cover.

He would fight this: fire with fire, winner takes all. He would win.



""
Credit


WC: 769/800
PC: 2/3 A, 0/1 D
Note Ashamin has used a SUN AMULET containing Hotaru's storm magic:
:: [ Magic: DarkxWind | Can create storms up to the size of a Category 4 hurricane that hold invisible blades that create lattice cuts of varying depth on the victim's body ]
:: [ Restrictions | Storms limited to a radius of 10 meters ]

OOC TEACHING
What worked:
  • Thranduil's personality came into this spar consistently--not just through your writing, but through the attacks and tactics. It makes sense that a character as sneaky as him would fake taking the attack (which by the way was super clever!)
  • You took/avoided Ashamin's attacks very well and realistically without confusing timeline or anything like that.
  • Use of items was great. It seemed to slow Thranduil down and when Ashamin bit down you not only took the enchantment on his item, but you had it affect your own in a very realistic manner. A lot of the time people play down the strength of Ashamin's mask's bite, so you did a great job with this in a way that also took the damage well. You maybe could have taken a little less of a hit from Ashamin since he has a low damage stat, but it worked pretty well for a 4. You'll want to keep in mind the armor's new shape for future posts too. :)
  • Good mention of size and stat (speed) difference. The variation in Ashamin and Thranduil's experience was also smart. Thranduil is older and wiser--I really liked that he saw what Ashamin was doing, and as a result wasn't surprised. Since Thranduil was able to anticipate Ashamin's movement, you were able to plan Thran's well around that. His personality really came in here as well, when Thranduil started calling Ashamin a fool. Harsh, but true! Ashamin's move was not the smartest, it was good of Thranduil (more experienced) to note that.


    To work on:
  • In general, some of your sentences sacrificed clarity for style. As a result you have beautifully written prose and some very clearly Thranduil moments, but there are some moments where I'm confused as to what's going on. For example, you mention Thranduil's mask at a time where I thought you were talking about Ashamin's. Keep the super stylistic stuff for the moments in between the actual fighting.
  • The spin attack. I'm not 100% sure what Thran is doing here, position wise. He started out parallel to Ashamin, but you say he spins and ends up parallel to him again. Is he making a tight circle and ending up on Ashamin's other side? Is he circling in place, or going around Ashamin? If I understand the motion correctly, it would take even a fast character some time to do it simply because of a horse's pattern of movement. Overall I was just pretty confused. I didn't end up taking this attack mostly because you rolled a low damage and I was taking enough damage from his blinding magic, but as a rule your attacks should be very clear. Sometimes the language will feel a bit technical and weird as you write that out, but believe me it doesn't sound as weird to another reader or judged as it will to you as a writer. Including things like direction and exact planned position in relation to your opponent will help. And these have to be in your actual prose, not just the summary. Judges won't use the summary, and as an opponent I try not to either (which is also why I don't write them myself.) It works fine for your own organizational, but no one else should need it. If your post doesn't say it clearly enough on its own, it can't be considered. I think of attacks like a good joke--it has to be funny without explanation, otherwise it falls flat.
  • The feigned heartbeat attack needed some more description/explanation for me. How exactly did he take it, did he just loosen up? Compared to how Thranduil took it in our thread, I was surprised by how little he seemed to respond. It wasn't the most convincing feign.

    Little things:
  • When sparring, pick the easiest to read table you have. It helps judges so they don't have to copypaste your text. Perhaps my vision just isn't great, but I found the contrast of text color and background sort of low.


    • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
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    Messages In This Thread
    RE: Armed and Free [ASHAMIN v. THRANDUIL] - by Ashamin - 01-04-2016, 08:22 PM

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