the Rift


[JUDGED] I'll Show You Fine [Ashamin v. Mortuus Nox]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#1

What came next from the scourge's lips shocked the haruspex. Perhaps Mortuus' eyes were sharper than the haruspex had known, perhaps they could pierce through the gloom and find the truth in much darker hearts than the Haruspex's--perhaps they were accustomed to a sort of interrogation Ashamin didn't know.

Perhaps the seer should have recognized in that astuteness some potential--something that could be honed, shaped, created into an acolyte. Mortuus was a diverse soul, one who had started as a warrior and become a healer. Who was to say he couldn't be a priest, too? Ashamin himself was one who carried one rank while performing the duties of another. That was what made him what he was: the warrior haruspex, the one with the fight in his soul and battle in his every move.

But what about Mortuus? How much combat remained in his troubled heart?

The haruspex snorted and pushed past the dual-horned shade, moving roughly and without sympathy. He was not in the mood to be interrogated, not in the mood to be badgered about his damn feelings. Ashamin could be a strong, cold brute just as much as Mortuus could. While Mortuus was progressing, learning about feeling, Ashamin was locking up. How dare the dark one try and break down his walls?

"As far as you're concerned, Mortuus, I am fine. I resent the implication that you find me to be a liar. But if you don't believe me, then how about a wager?" The painted buck moved closer to the entrance of his cave, narrowed his eyes in frustration, and looked back at Mortuus before stepping out into the night.

"Take me on in a spar, Mortuus. If you win, I'll tell you what fine means to me. And if you don't, you'll leave this tired haruspex be."

Lochan bounded after his bonded, excited for what was to come. At last, he would get to stretch his legs and fight alongside the haruspex. Dark mists floated around him, spreading from the buds of his antlers. Someday they would grow up and out, grow strong. Someday the cerndyr would fight with them and win his own battles. But for now, he was content to follow the haruspex and stick to his side.

Ashamin wandered farther from his cave, closer to the lakeshore, and kicked some frost at the ruby-eyed scorpion as he went. "MORTUUS!" he called once more. The last time, the last warning, the last call. Mortuus would fight him, or Mortuus would leave.


""
there is a design,
an alignment to cry of my heart
to see the beauty of love
AS IT WAS M A D E TO BE
image credits


WC: 418/800
PC: 0/3, 0/1
Timeline: Two weeks
Setting: Late and warm Tallsun night in the Aurora Basin. The Aurora can be seen above. Between the lakeshore and the entrance to the Haruspex's cave.
Injuries: None
Note: This is an OOC teaching spar continued directly from this thread, hence it being in Tallsun Now that we're alone, I guess. Go ahead and make the first move if you want, Dressy! I'll PM you notes about your closing defense if you start it off.


See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


Mortuus Nox Posts: 187
Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 3.5 | def: 10 | dam: 7
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 :: Immortal HP: 66.5 | Buff: NOVICE
Dressy
#2
mortuus nox
The Devil
Wants to make a Deal

His gray cold eyes watched the stag intently. The paint boiled and exploded with anger as he pushed past Mortuus. The muscled black stag did not take one step back. His hardened black body absorbed the shock as he felt his blood pressure rise. Then the paint spoke ‘A wager’, what an odd thing to come up with. All this would do is hurt Ashamin if he does not speak about it. Oh well let him fester with hate if he pleased. Mortuus flicked his ears back sharply as he was screamed at by the emotional paint. His teeth bared glowing against his onyx coat with a white glimmer. His stout body stood waiting for the stallion to come to a halt. His rumbling voice roared from his angered chest "If you want a wager you got one."

He first watched the stallion move away from him. Keen gray eyes picked up that the two stallions were about the same height, but there was a difference in build. Ashamin was built with a refined muscle tone. He had the slender appearance of an Arabian, but slightly bulked like a quarter horse. The paint was built for speed and endurance, not so much strength and agility. Mortuus on the other hand might be a bit slower, but his Andalusian body was built for war. His muscled body was not only strong, but his ability to maneuver his feet quickly added to his agility. He was ready for whatever Ashamin threw at him.

The pupils of his gold gray eyes dilated, all the hate came back to his cold heart. He picked up a heavy bounding gallop towards Ashamin’s body. The muscles under his scared pelt pulsed with every beat as he speed grew faster and faster. The demonic crown skull lowered so his maw touched his chest. Mortuus aimed his horns towards the paints right rib cage hoping to hit his mark. He hoped to cause a cracked or bruised rib by hitting him with so much force. Next the glimmer in his cold eyes took over as he felt the adrenaline rush through his body with a warm sensation. His collected body turned on his haunches to keep himself from slipping into the lake. Then his powerful rear legs faced Ashamins skull. With past memories flooding his mind he kicked out with frustration as hard as he could hoping to smack the stag in the cheek, or the neck. A grumble leaves his maw as he struck out. Mortuus glared out of the corner of his eyes with a crazed look. He was ready for anything Ashamin was going to throw at him. His troubled head shook as he darted forward in a powerful leap. His deep voice mumbled,"Keeping everything bottled up leads to self-destruction../color]

[color=#9a8a7c]"Talk."



Word count 465/800
Attack 1/3

Summary:

Mortuus watches Ashamin studying his body type before he attacks. Then he takes off with all his speed he can gain in the distance between them aiming his horns for Ashamins right ribs. Mortuus hopes to bruise or crack a rib with the power of his speed and horns. He then quickly turns left on his haunches with a powerful kick with his back legs aimed at Ashamins cheek. After he attacks, he takes a large leap away from Ashamin.

Please tag Mortuus Nox in all posts
magic & permanent injury is permitted excluding death.

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#3

Ashamin's black eyes fell upon the black form of his haunted opponent. As Mortuus ran, Ashamin watched. Every hoofbeat, every thundering step that came towards the haruspex, was a warning. They spoke to him, said you can run now, you can move faster, and then, at last, you don't have to do this.

The paint did have to do this, though. He felt the burning in his chest, the same desire that was his downfall. He would improve himself, he would harden himself until even the very shadow of who he had been was obliterated. Mortuus didn't need to know how Ashamin felt, because Ashamin didn't want to feel at all, anymore. If no one saw, did such feelings exist? If a tree falls...

As Mortuus approached, the haruspex considered his options. He could run, try and put distance between himself and the other stallion and surely succeed, but to stand his ground was to be strong, wasn't it? If he wanted to become stronger, he had to stop running someday.

So he watched, eyes wide and nostrils flared, as the other drew closer and dipped his jeweled crown. The two horns were fast approaching battering rams, the scarred body behind it a threat spelled out by rippling muscles. The closer that Mortuus came, the more Ashamin felt himself doubting this simple and perhaps stupid plan. Standing still now, taking the brunt of those horns... wasn't that just spelling his end? He'd cripple himself early in the fight, lose the wager and be forced to reveal his hand.

At the last second, when the first rush of air flew onto the Haruspex and the very breathing of his opponent could be heard, Ashamin dug his hind legs into the Tallsun softened frost by the shore and swung his body to his left. Not fast enough, not smart enough to avoid Mortuus' attack completely, but as the horns scraped against his side--rubbed fur away to reveal thin stripes of dripping red and the start of a tough bruise--Ashamin knew he had made the best decision he could in so little time.

The buck wouldn't let himself be caught off guard again, though. He had to move faster, think smarter. His side burned, eyes rolled to show their whites as the spar began, but he did not give up. He let his body follow its swing to turn him from the dragging heat of horns against his side and charged forward, straight into the water without fear. It was cold and his body complained, but the relief of it splashing onto the scrapes and growing bruise was incomparable. Ashamin cast his gaze back through the spray, watching as the other stallion bucked at nothing but air. He let out a quiet neigh of satisfaction as he avoided the other's attack with his unexpected move.

It may have seemed to be an odd choice, to charge into the lake, but Ashamin foresaw it giving him an advantage. Mortuus had proved his agility with such a quick turn from charge to buck, shown his strength with the pain caused by his horns, but the time it had taken him to move towards the haruspex had revealed his weakness: a definitive slowness. Ashamin didn't know how long Mortuus could last but he knew his own limitations and his own strengths. With any luck, drawing the heavier stallion into the water would slow Mortuus even more--drain his energy until Ashamin could come out on top.

Around the haruspex, black water painted with the sky and his own reflection swirled and lapped. Ripples from landed splashes radiated from his body; the cold dark sucked at his knees and dripped down from where it had splashed on his sides. The pain was numbed by the cold but still present. Tallsun made the water warm enough to be tolerable, but the heavy chill of night gave its bark a gentle bite. Were Ashamin able to keep his eyes off of Mortuus, he would have noticed how beautiful it looked with the aurora reflecting on its mirror; it was only Lochan, stationed patiently on the shore, hidden in the shadows, who admired the beauty.

"Come on, Mortuus!" Ashamin dared. His voice was tinged with taunting, his eyes flashed with the lights of the sky. His tail--lifted high above the water to keep his coils clear--beckoned his opponent. "Strike me where I am, not where I've been!"

With that, Ashamin reared. Work your magic, Lochan, he commanded as his companion crept towards the ram-horned beast with black mists swirling towards Mortuus. Draw him closer to me, cloud his judgement the haruspex went on as he cast his own magic, attempting to slow Mortuus' heart and tire his opponent further.

Together we'll bring him down.


""
there is a design,
an alignment to cry of my heart
to see the beauty of love
AS IT WAS M A D E TO BE
image credits


WC: 793/800
PC: 1/3, 0/1
Note: None

OOC TEACHING

What Worked
  • Breed Differences and body types: Yes yes yes! Amazing job here taking the time to describe these in detail. You named the differences in their breeds and took into account not just the fact that Ashamin has higher endurance and speed but why: his arabian descent. Your own comparison with Mortuus sets us both up for an informed fight and makes for good characterization of your own character, too. Mortuus is not just built for war but he's experienced with it, his history involves fighting and it makes sense that he would pick up on this. You also used Mortuus' horns well; he has ram horns, it makes sense that he would lower his head and use himself to batter Ashamin's side. Just be sure to note how he will feel this attack as backlash if Ashamin takes the hit, impact like that will have an affect on the neck of a horse even if they've prepared it.
  • Use of surroundings: Good job making note of the lake and Mortuus' care not to slip into it. Based on the fact that Ashamin left the cave first in my into post and got a head start, you can assume he is closer to the lake than Mortuus is since you didn't write your boy running past. This is a good way to write positioning without forcing anything on your spar partner. If Mortuus had run all the way to the lakeshore and then made an attack, rather than you positioning Mortuus in relation to Ashamin, you may have run into some confusion.
  • Attack wording: In general, it's always good to say your character is aiming, hoping, trying, but never surefire hitting. You did well with this.
  • Physical details: As with the picking up on the bodies, you have some nice moments in your writing where the eyes, teeth, and body just come into play really well. Great job. :)

    What Needs Work
  • Word count: In attack posts, it's always good to take advantage of your wordcount to the fullest if you need to. I'm starting off with this one because it feeds into the rest as a whole, but remember that those words are of use to you. The more you write, the more there is for the judges to look at and see that you and your character have knowledge of the situation. Sometimes it feels like overwriting, but being extra clear in spars (which direction and angle did you come from, what was the ground like, what was your speed like, what side and part of the body are you aiming for?) is very helpful for all parties. Some of these words will be taken up in later posts by describing your own injuries, too.
  • Thought/Motivation/Emotion: Overall I wanted to know a bit more about Mortuus' motivation. It's clear that Mortuus is frustrated with Ashamin and thinks he needs to express himself, but why? Did Mortuus once bottle up his feelings and hurt as a result, did he see it happen to someone he loved? How does their spar make him feel about his past or his present, maybe even his future? There are a lot of things you have time to think about and discuss here, you had about 350 words at your disposal that could have gone towards this. I also pick up from the way that Mortuus is acting that he is experienced as I said above, but you can also tap into memories of specific fights that may remind him of this one and inform him on how to act. Maybe he learned that spin buck move from his grandsire by a lakeshore so he thought to use it again now that he is by a lake.
  • Attack Timelines: In my opinion, you should never do more than three attacks, and even that is pushing it. You don't have too many attacks here, but they're both very big/important ones (which is another thing I wondered about: why is Mortuus charging ahead so violently with a casual wager? Both these attacks could kill Ashamin if successful, think about motive, scale, and strength of attack in relation to a situation. If Mortuus is angrier than he should be or wants to hurt Ashamin that badly, the reader should know why.) By having another large attack that requires Mortuus to move after the first one, you restrict your spar partner's attack/response options and their timeline. I can't really write in Ashamin, say, ramming his side against Mortuus and biting his neck as Mortuus attacks now because you already wrote (with certainty) in your post that Mortuus turned away from Ashamin after his first attack to execute the second one, and then after that second one that he leaped far away. If you had just left yourself to one attack, you would have had more time to describe it in detail and allowed your opponent to have more options in response. Also, say you had rolled a critical miss and needed to take damage to yourself: you could have written that he tripped while charging and hit his knee, but now that you have written him successfully turning to buck that's no longer an option for you. Hopefully this makes sense, but the tldr is: less attacks, the better. Gives you more words to work on making your first one super clear, gives your spar partner freedom to write a more realistic scenario with you, and is simpler/more realistic for judges and spar-participants alike. If you're aiming for multiple attacks, keeping them in close vicinity to each other time and space wise (ie, charging and nipping at the same time) for plausibility/flexibility. Horses move more slowly and awkwardly than we wish they would in spars. :P

    Overall
    An amazing first spar post! Keep up the good work and I look forward to continuing this with you and seeing where it goes. If you have any questions about my notes or my post before you post hit me up on skype. Also thanks for the speediness, it's appreciated/more fun. :)


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
    Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


    Mortuus Nox Posts: 187
    Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 3.5 | def: 10 | dam: 7
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 :: Immortal HP: 66.5 | Buff: NOVICE
    Dressy
    #4
    mortuus nox
    The Devil
    Wants to make a Deal

    He felt this horns scrape across the stallions side, and he knew he had to have done some type of damage. He heard the splashes of the stallion entering the water as he knew his hooves did not hit their mark on the paints skull. As he came to a halt for a moment he watched over Ashamin’s body. He waded in the water as the fresh cut blead into the surrounding water. Memories flooded his mind of his childhood. How he was taunted by his older brother, and how his father hated him. He let the anger take over his soul, that’s why he last attack was with such force. Ashamin hit that button in his psychotic mind. He played the taunting card like his brother use to. Mortuus hated that with a burning passion. Then he felt his heart drop.

    His cold eyes froze on the stallion as his heart fluttered trying to fight something. It Left him feeling weakened and like a child in pain again. Then the darkened mist flooded around him, and the clouded judgement set in. A snort flew from his maw as he looked to see the small deer that as crept behind him. The clouded mist flooded around the demonic stallion like a shadow from hell drawing upon him. He knew at that point of time Ashamin had something Mortuus did not. He had Magic, the onyx stallion had never felt his heart flutter and slow like it did. Mix emotions ran through his head in a split second. How dare him to mess with his heart It was one thing to shock the black stag, but to get into his body into his heart is something different. He let a powerful one leg kick out towards the small deer. If Ashamin wanted to play dirty then let him. The gray eyes of the black stag had seen and dealt with more than Ashamin could throw at him. In his moment of anger and rage he heard the stallion call him out again. His ears pinned with a weakened heart and his teeth bared in anger. The taunting of his father came back into his mind, and his clouded eyes saw the figure of the paint stallion to be someone else. He saw his father in front of him, he saw his father judging him. He felt his father’s hate for him.

    The heavy stallion dug his hooves into the softened ground leaping into the water. He could feel his hooves sink into the water bed, but the adrenaline pumped thorough his veins. The cold water was nothing to him right now. His intention was to get to the paint stallion. His weakened heart proved to be a struggle as it wanted to beat faster, but it couldn’t. His nostrils flared taking in a much air as he could to try and help his situation. As he tried to grow closer to the stallion he reared up out of the water. His back legs sunk into the silt under him from the weight of his muscled body. The water dripped from the wet black pelt as he aimed to either land or scrape the paint’s back with his cracked hooves. As his heavy weight crashed back down hopefully towards Ashamin, his velvet maw opened to bite down on either his neck or withers reaching out if maybe the stag tried to move away. This was a tactic that was used on him by his father. The combination of the attack could cause a great deal of harm if executed perfectly. Even if the attack did not hit its full mark there could damaging effect from his hooves, weight, or maw.

    As his front legs finally hit the cold water again he could feel how much his muscled body had sunk in the rear. He quickly pulled his back legs out as he noted he might be at a slight disadvantage in the water. He was not going to give in, not again. Mortuus would not let himself be walked over by Anyone any more. No one had ever spoken to him like that since his father. He won’t take anyone’s shit any more. The beast had been awoken, and he was out for revenge. The muscled stag tried to start feeling for sturdier ground in the black haze, so his agile body could move quicker without sinking so much. He knew in order to get the upper hand he had to get out of the water again, it was making him short of breath quicker, and it was starting to wear out his muscles. Ashamin could rule over his heavy black body with a light Arabian like frame in this footing.



    "Talk."


    ____________________________________
    Attack 2/3
    Word count : 791/800
    Summary: Mortuus slips into the water with a clouded judgment not thinking how he would sink until he was in it. He is starting to feel out of breath due to his heart being slowed and his judgement is fogged do to the black mist. He then rears up aiming for Ashamins back. He hopes to hit or scrape this back with his hooves and then as he is coming down Mortuus opens his maw to bite or reach out to bite Ashamin’s neck or withers if he had moved away from his crashing hooves. After the attack his heavy breathing body starts to feel for more secure ground due to how much his back legs had sunk from rearing up.

    Please tag Mortuus Nox in all posts
    magic & permanent injury is permitted excluding death.

    Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
    Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
    Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
    #5

    Too slow, Mortuus, Ashamin thought with dark satisfaction. Lochan darted away from the kick with ease; his nocturnal eyes saw all danger, he was well-evolved to protect itself in these situations. Lochan might not have brute strength, but he had speed.

    With Lochan not a concern, the haruspex focused on himself. The warrior's spirit inside him filled him with confidence and allowed him to think about Mortuus' approach rather than the pain along his side. It would burn later, but for now water's cool relief served as a distraction. Watching Mortuus struggle through the water, Ashamin wondered if this was an unfair wager. Certainly Mortuus had once been a fighter (lifelong healers didn't bear such scars), but what if the buck was wrong? If Mortuus was really nothing but a quiet scourge now, was the violence in him slipping away to a peaceful end? Was Ashamin needlessly awakening a dying fury, and returning Mortuus to a state of uncontrollable rage?

    The paint examined him, charting every small movement of Mortuus' that he could make out. Long nights of staying awake, staring at the mirror, and learning to look like Lochan had given the haruspex sharp sight. Had Ashamin overestimated him? Maybe Mortuus was stronger but he was no taller and noticeably slower, struggling even more in the water than the seer had predicted.

    Guilt, though, would not incapacitate Ashamin. He dug his hooves into the lakebed and barreled forward, parting the water with even strides as he ran as fast as he could back to shore. He did not look back as Mortuus reared, forced himself not to flinch as he thought he heard the snapping of jaws surely meant for his own flesh. If he looked back, he might think about the cruelty of drawing one to where they are weak and abandoning them there, attacking them from outside.

    The buck's necklace dragged along the water, leaving a trail and pulling him down as he began to feel its weight. Keeping his tail high was a struggle, even as he twitched its end to loosen the coils. When he reached the shore his body, soaked in cold, felt heavier than ever before. Ashamin shivered and caught his companion's gaze--was given the second he needed to hesitate and question. The knowing in Lochan's eyes was meant to evoke sympathy. The crude dark splatter, the painting his bonded displayed in his mind that was meant to show Mortuus' struggle in the water, was supposed to call for an end. However, the ram-horned stallion that Ashamin still believed to be far behind him had intruded on his privacy, prodded until the buck had no more patience.

    No, this was the course of action that Ashamin had chosen, and he would stick to it. Empirically this was intelligent--that to slow down a strong opponent and create distance so they could not reach you was tactically sound--so he would follow it through. For safety the buck took a few steps farther from the lake, then he flicked his tail with calculation.

    As the coils slid off of Ashamin's tail and flew through the air, he could have sworn they were moving in slow motion. He watched their golden arc as he would chart the paths of the aurora above, had as much care for its path as he would a child's. The trinket from the watcher was something he held close, but now he had flung it into the lake with every intention of sending sparks through the water and straight for his friend.

    Ashamin's heart soared and sank--the magic he had intended to follow the coil fell flat, moving slowly and with resistance. What pulled the power back, regret or shame? Could both afflict him now so heavily as he did what he loved, as he fought and went mad for a chance to keep himself locked away for just one night more? How had this become his greatest distraction, his one hope of keeping himself sane when the sun rose? Was this really a desire to prove himself, or simply an addiction?

    His magic flew forth on wings of plan; despite the haruspex's guilt, the electric power could not be stopped and headed towards Mortuus without mercy. This had been his goal: to fling the coil into the water after drawing Mortuus into it and at the same moment to try and dangerously increase his opponent's heart rate. Don't push me, Mortuus would be the message that came with the strike should it all succeed. My bark doesn't even begin to betray my bite.

    However when the haruspex turned to look over the lake and watch his plan unfold, he knew he had gone too far. Ashamin could not bear to look back at Lochan, did not need to in order to understand what was waiting for him in those eyes.

    Disappointment.

    ""
    there is a design,
    an alignment to cry of my heart
    to see the beauty of love
    AS IT WAS M A D E TO BE
    image credits


    WC: 800/800
    PC: 2/3, 0/1
    Note: None

    OOC TEACHING

    What Worked
  • Emotion/Motivation: What an improvement here! I really got to know Mortuus through the way you wrote him and what he was thinking about. I've never seen any of this stuff with his family come through in other threads and it was an awesome surprise/good thing to learn about here.
  • Language/Flow: You had some really beautiful sentences and imagery in this post that really helped back up what Mortuus was feeling and made this post something really great. A good balance of language helps offset the technical language required for clear spar posts and you really nailed that here. It's easy for spar posts to feel stilted and lose some of the free quality of regular posts, but that didn't happen so good job.
  • Attack Realism: Your timelines were much improved here, and because of the way your attacks were grouped together they didn't feel overwhelming or like too much was going on. Overall I felt much more free in how I could respond! Also, as in your last post the attacks you've chosen are realistic to horses and how they fight/move. Bucks, rears, bites, and kicks sometimes feel repetitive but they all make a lot of sense in a spar situation.

    What Needs Work
  • Powerplay: Be careful about your wording of what Mortuus knows and doesn't know. There are a few places where he says he knows things for sure about Ashamin or the situation that he couldn't. The most obvious example of this for me was that the heartbeat magic was Ashamin's--since Ashamin has never used the magic in Mortuus before or told him about it, Mortuus couldn't know for sure. He could suspect, but you'd have to write that differently.
  • Damage: The way you took the heartbeat magic was a bit unclear to me. It seemed like it faded away when you said the adrenaline overtook him and he pushed through the water without it bothering him, but then it sort of drifted back in. It's important to think about the die roll as well, too. Ashamin has a pretty low damage stat and rolled a 1, which is the lowest possible damage he could do. Think about it in terms of percentage: Ashamin's attack took 5.5 damage out of Mortuus Nox's total 64, which is only about 8.6%. That's not a ton, so the effects of the pain don't need to be very long lasting. That said, you did a good job of writing it in combination with Lochan's magic, which wouldn't cause any real physical damage.
  • Proofreading: Overall, just be sure you've read posts through to cross all I's and dot all T's. Spelling and grammar errors all come up in judging, and making sure they're all fixed makes for an easier read for the opponent as well.
  • Directionals: These are so important, don't forget them. As is I don't know which leg (left or right) Mortuus kicked out at Lochan, which side of Ashamin Mortuus is on when he rears, etc. You didn't even say if Mortuus kicked out with a hind or front leg--it's easy to assume hind given positioning but you should clarify. When you include things in relation to another's body they have to be "aimed" and "tried" but if its your own character's body then you can write with more certainty. Overall, let people know where you're coming from. It didn't end up hurting me too much because your attack missed but you never know what the dice will roll, you should always assume your attack will need to be understood in complete detail, which means directionals in most in general and all bodily cases.

    End note: Your post gave me so much muse that I had to cut 230 words out of my post. Loving this spar!


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
    Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


    Mortuus Nox Posts: 187
    Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 3.5 | def: 10 | dam: 7
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 :: Immortal HP: 66.5 | Buff: NOVICE
    Dressy
    #6
    mortuus nox
    The Devil
    Wants to make a Deal
    His attack failed, he landed in the soft silt not hitting a single mark. The water splashed up around him and flew into the air. His gray eyes watched the paint stag run like the little wimp he was. He would not stay and fight like a man in the water bed, he was running for the hard land. He watched the black and white paint stand on the warm dry land. He narrowed his eyes as he turned starting to try to make his way towards the shore. Then he saw it, the same look his father gave him as a child. The look of shame, it was almost a look of pain and desperation flooding across his face. He saw the flash back to the day his father tried to kill him. He saw the paint as the black stallion he would never call father. The vengeful demon took over Ashamins eyes, it was eating his soul from what Mortuus could see. Then a gold glimmer caught his attention. There is was a golden band flying through the air. In slow motion the tail cuff flew, and gray eyes traced its every movement. Then he saw Lochan’s eyes, they showed concern for what his bonded had just done. Mortuus did not understand until it splashed into the water.

    The golden ring had an electric pulse, he did not know if it was the electricity fucking with his heart or if it was something else. It raced and pounded in his head as the electric shocks burned his legs. A deep blood curdling scream left his maw. It echoed through the mountains, jumping like demons from hell out of the ground. His gray eyes focused on the paint stag he fights like a pussy . The words wanted to fly from his mouth as he stepped on the hard ground once more. A chuckle rumbled through his chest as he spoke, and the words poured from his maw like warm fresh blood. "Has anyone ever told you, you fight like a girl? Hit me pretty boy. Let me feel that anger you built up inside of your new darkened soul. Let me feel the hate you have. Because I have not felt that once. You know if you were truly troubled, and you really wanted to keep everything locked away; you would fight like you mean it. You would fight from your heart. " His words cut through his mouth like knives, if the paint stag was so troubled he did not show it very well fighting with items. His maw turned into a smile the showed how corrupt Mortuus really was. "Now fight me like a Man Ashamin, fight me like a REAL MAN Ashamin! I want to feel the hate burning in your soul. Your little move back there showed an ounce of it, but I am still alive." He chuckled deeper and his chest roared from the depths of hell screaming the stallion’s name.

    His large muscled body charged straight for Ashamins chest. His head tucked to his chest once more as his heavy body moved towards the paint like a runaway train. The visions flashed back from his father, this is the same blow that knocked him to his knees. He felt the emotions travel back to him, Ashamin acted just like his father did. As Mortuus tried to ram the paint chest he also turned his demonic crown to the right side. Upon impact, if his did hit his mark, the sharpened horn would try to impale the left side of the paints neck digging under his flesh with the quick movement of his crown. His neck braced for the impact he was about to receive if he hit the other stallions body. He knew it might hurt himself for a day or two, but he was not concerned about that now. Hopefully the horn would get under the skin so when Mortuus sat back on his powerful haunches, he would tear the left side of the stags neck open. The powerful rear legs started digging into the softened ground to back him away quickly from the paint. He hoped the blow would throw him back on his ass or knock him to the ground. Mortuus knew that he was delivering a hard blow, but he was not playing around with Ashamin. He truly started to become concerned for the troubled paint stallion. Mortuus had to close his gray eyes to hide the pain they felt for him. He finally opened his eyes, hopefully his anger had not gotten the best of him. Hopefully he did not do too much damage.

    "Talk."
    ______________________
    Word count: 772/800
    Attack 3/3
    Summary:
    Mortuus got slight electrical burns on his lower legs, but pushes back the pain. He then aims his horns for Ashamin’s chest and tried to ram him as hard as he could. He also truns his skull to the right to try to impale Ashamins left side of his neck with his left horn. He hopes to tear the skin as he sits back on his haunches.


    Please tag Mortuus Nox in all posts
    magic & permanent injury is permitted excluding death.

    Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
    Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
    Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
    #7

    Somehow, time unfroze itself. The coil landed with a soft plash in the water of the Basin's core. What came next was an immortal, un-animal sound. Ashamin's entire body responded in a way that was beyond control. Every thought was reduced to instinct. The prey response screamed at him to run as his skin shivered and his eyes rolled to show their whites. He gnashed his teeth as if he were a foal again, trying to keep danger at bay. Even his tail, responsible for the flight of the coils, showed signs of fear as it began to slowly tuck.

    What was the painted buck scared of? Not just the cry from the lake but the cause of it, too: himself. Ashamin feared what he had done, what he had become.

    Even with eyesight sharpened by nocturnal nights, shadows made fear stronger. He could see little of Mortuus but occasional glimmers of light on water; his opponent blended well. Sound was the reigning sense, and Ashamin couldn't scrub that scream from his ears.

    Panicked, he looked back for Lochan but the companion was gone. Disappointed so completely, the cerndyr had apparently turned back and returned to their cave. How had Ashamin not realized, how had even his bond been forgotten? He felt frozen, as if he had been caught alone in a winter storm and no one was coming to help. He needed something like rage to ignite a warmth in him to stay alive. He needed exactly what Mortuus gave him.

    Ashamin's emotions fluttered with uncontrollable heat when the insults came. He had nothing to say, nothing to do but snort and snap his teeth in visible threat. Ashamin had not long been prideful, was not one to diminish the strengths of mares (Ki'irha had given him a beating,) but insult of any kind did not sit well with a beast as honorable as he. The obnoxious rambling, the incessant outburst from the friend turned opponent, did nothing but help the haruspex pinpoint the genesis of Mortuus' attack and and encourage him to forget his fear. With sound returned to him, the demonic howl out of his mind and replaced with diatribe, Ashamin used it as best he could. Every splash in the water was a warning. By the time Mortuus even took his first step on the earth and aimed for where Ashamin had stood, the blood-marked buck was of the way, choosing to swing out and dart left at a 45 degree angle, flashing gold scars in the night.

    Seconds ago he had been scared, seconds before guilty. What had he been before that, insane? To enter this spar at all, to challenge a troubled healer older than himself, his friend, was unconscionable, unforgivable as far as honor was concerned. So why had he done it, and given in so easily to Mortuus' demands and taunts? There was no precedent for such infantile responses, nothing from his youth or time in helovia. Why, after so many years fearing the wolves, was he becoming such a traitorous predator himself?

    Prey to predator, predator to prey, and back... with his companion gone there was no one to keep him in check. His reason was gone, a wild and uncontrollable sort of insanity overtaking him. How could he explain this when the fight was done? What would there be to say, if he couldn't manage to apologize?

    As Ashamin's body swung, as his head flew back with defiant strength, so too did his necklace. The golden chain held more weight than it appeared to--the fang held more power. In that immoral moment, with no one to stop him from abandoning himself, Ashamin summoned that power without hesitation.

    What followed was a display unique to the Bear God as the fang transformed to a mask, a skull affixed to Ashamin like a trophy. With so many at his side, with more strength than he'd ever imagined he could have, Ashamin had once defeated a god. Who was Mortuus to think Ashamin fought poorly, to assume that he could not beat a mere scourge?

    With nothing but fire in his eyes, the haruspex turned on Mortuus Nox. His body flew and his heart pounded as he leaned back to his right (forgetting, in rage, his bruise from before) and aimed to slam Mortuus' right side, curling his neck in the same direction to try and snap his teeth--strengthened by the magic of the Bear God--upon Mortuus's croup. There were some stallions who could be insulted, who would take harsh words with their bellies exposed and their tails tucked.

    Ashamin was not one of those stallions.

    ""
    there is a design,
    an alignment to cry of my heart
    to see the beauty of love
    AS IT WAS M A D E TO BE
    image credits


    WC: 773/800
    PC: 3/3, 0/1
    Note: Once again had to cut out a ton... so many feels! Let me know in your post if you want teaching notes on your closing defense, if you do I can PM them to you or post on my OOC account.

    OOC TEACHING

    What Worked
  • Directionals and Attack Clarity: Much improved, great job here! I very much understood what Mortuus was going for and how he was going for it. You did a good job considering Ashamin's position (turned towards the lake) when planning this attack which was overall simple, straightforward, and realistic. Had you not rolled a miss I would have taken it since it was so well written and easy to work with, damage wise. :)
  • Emotion/Motivation: Again, this has really ramped up throughout the fight and made this an interesting, fun spar. Mortuus is really showing who he is and the strength of his personality, as well as where it is coming from and why he feels the way he does. His emotional responses all have clear motivation and as a result, so do his rather aggressive actions.
  • Thinking about the body: You did a great job with this in your post, it was clear it went into the planning of your attack. You took a strong character like Mortuus who doesn't have an advantage of height but has a high agility and chose an attack that works with a strong body (one that will have to resist some self-caused harm) with the type of horns that he has (sturdy and good for ramming with sharp tips that you have to be close/sort of around the body to cut with)

    What Needed Work
  • Damage: Again, I thought you took a little more damage than you needed to here. Unless distilled, water is a really good conductor of electricity (any sort of salinity=ions=science etc) so while it makes sense that Mortuus would take burns while in the water, that doesn't correlate so much with the roll. It's good that you didn't seem to have the damage effect him much after (as is the expected for low rolls) but at the same time burned legs probably WOULD affect him after, which gives you a clue that maybe they're too much damage to take. A 2 is low, Mortuus' overall HP is still pretty high so he isn't particularly weakened, and on top of that Ashamin's damage stat isn't anything to write home about, you should be comparing the two and using them as a guideline for how much things should hurt you. Good ways to maybe take less damage here would to have Mortuus partway out of the water when the coil hit, or to have him intercept its path completely out of the water and just get stung by it that way. You can also always take damage from something other than my attacks, so Mortuus could have gotten out of the water in time but maybe tripped on the shore or scraped himself on an icy rock, etc.
  • Sentence variation: This is a little thing that makes a big difference and helps things flow better style and readability wise. Try starting off sentences with different things (you have a lot of He) using different descriptors, etc. Changing up sentence lengths and structures also helps keep things nice to read.
  • Environment/visibility: Given that it's really dark out, there are some really keen details about Ashamin and Lochan that Mortuus might not be able to see so well. Even if they were closer, things like the emotion in Lochan's eyes might not be as evident to Mortuus who barely knows him. The reason it's so clear to Ashamin is because of their bond. Use things like the literally and emotional fact of being in the dark to include speculation in your post. One of the greatest things in writing can be when your character thinks they know something, and they're completely wrong.


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
    Do not tag me, please message on skype instead


    Mortuus Nox Posts: 187
    Aurora Basin Time Mender atk: 3.5 | def: 10 | dam: 7
    Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 :: Immortal HP: 66.5 | Buff: NOVICE
    Dressy
    #8
    mortuus nox
    The Devil
    Wants to make a Deal
    The end was near. His attack failed, something in the stars was not with Mortuus that night. Maybe the stars had a different plan. Cold eyes looked to the sky above, and the clouds rolled across the aurora. They made a new darkness and a new coldness to the battle ground. As the clouds rolled through his scars turned to blood and they dripped down his onyx pelt. Every single scar oozed the crimson substance, but it was short lived. As the clouds passed they magically healed to reveal the once oozing scars to be sealed shut. They gave off an iridescent glow now, what was this curse?

    Angered eyes watched as the paint turned back towards him. In slow motion he watched the necklace flip up in the air. The golden chain twinkled in the dim light above, and turned into something he thought he recognized. The bear god skull. So what does he think he is big and bad because he got the skull? Mortuus pinned his ears with anger. He was not the only one who had defeated a powerful god. The black stag had also been successful in taking down the wolf creature that ruled over the rift land. His body could feel the paint slam against his barrel, then a sharper pain hit him. He felt the warmth of the crimson liquid start to drip down his tail bone. The pain was not a normal bite pain. Mortuus could feel teeth digging into his hide. They dug into his muscle, and his body responded before he could even think. Black powerful rear legs jumped into a buck as he dragged his front end away from the bite. He could feel the skin rip to create a tear on his hide. Saliva dripped from his maw as he let out the demonic roar. It was more a sound of getting away from snapping jaws, but it could have raised the dead from their graves. As he finally got away and his haunches stayed facing Ashamin. The pale eyes looked ahead of his not turning back to see the stallions face. Yes Mortuus attacked with power and pain from the past, but Ashamin attacked with something darker. Mortuus felt that the paint had something deep down, something growing in darkness. Had Ashamin taken it too far, was he too deep in the pits of hell to be saved? The black skull shook softly as he turned to look into the eyes of the creature who attacked with vengeance. The creature that spoke to him like his father did. The Stallion who acted like he wanted to kill him.

    Cold eyes looked over the form of the Paint. Shadows of the night hid his facial features from the deadly looks of the black stag. His pelt glowed with scars from fights past, they were more visible then they ever had been. They had a creepy hell like glow to them from the light of the moon. Little did Mortuus know that this was the start of a powerful curse. A curse that would allow him to be immortal, but at a small cost. He would have fresh wounds on cloudy nights, and they would give off an odd low glow every night. Horns shifted to the side as he looked closer as Ashamin. Pain… it was all Mortuus could think about. The black stallions body was not beat to hell like it has been, but it was enough to be uncomfortable. Stone eyes would not show the pain he felt; they hid it from the world, and especially from the eyes of the paint stallion. He had not one word to say to him. Mortuus did not dare to open his maw and speak in deep Latin tones. Tones of the paint stallion would be the only thing to break the silence of the black stallion. Mortuus wanted to hear Ashamin speak first and to say his peace about the spar. It was over, the battle was done and all Mortuus could do is shake his head at the troubled stallion. Clearly Ashamin needed help, but would he except it?

    "Talk."
    OOC:: I had soo much fun!!!!! This was such a wonderful spar and thank you soo much!! Do you want to post the after spar post even if you just post once and I have Mortuus leave Ashamin after that? It is up to you Jen!!
    --------------------------
    Word count :: 694/800
    Closing the spar with his last defense
    -Jen if you could do OOC teaching notes that would be wonderful!!


    Please tag Mortuus Nox in all posts
    magic & permanent injury is permitted excluding death.

    Official Posts: 847
    Administrator
    Stallion :: Equine :: ::
    Official
    #9
    By my verdict: ASHAMIN is the winner!

    MORTUUS NOX
    Realism [+0]
    You do really well in writing how the surroundings affect Nox, especially when he is in the water. I really liked how you played that part.

    Be careful about writing Nox’s knowledge of Ashamin. You write that Nox knows the heartbeat affect is magic from Ashamin, but there is no reference to how Nox knows this so it is sort of metaplaying. You also say definitely later the exact emotions that are painted on Ashamin and his companion’s faces, which is also hard to really deem realistic—especially in the case of a companion. Companions are hard to understand by pretty much everyone except their bondmate and other companions of the same species.

    Be careful not to dictate the damage your opponent can or cannot take. It is up to them to interpret the damage given by the dice in relation to how your character attacked, and your job is to simply attack. You can write how your character hopes to have the attack hurt the opponent—which can be really good when you have a reason/history behind it—but I recommend staying away from trying to dictate damage. For instance, you wrote, “Even if the attack did not hit its full mark there could damaging effect from his hooves, weight, or maw”, which is not necessary. We can already assume that even if the attack is not 100% successful but still lands in some way, damage will happen (as per the dice), but that statement also is a starting point of boxing your opponent into responding how you want them to respond, not how they want to respond.

    It was good that you had Nox examine Ashamin and note the differences between them, but make sure you do it correctly. You write “The paint was built for speed and endurance, not so much strength and agility. Mortuus on the other hand might be a bit slower, but his Andalusian body was built for war. His muscled body was not only strong, but his ability to maneuver his feet quickly added to his agility. He was ready for whatever Ashamin threw at him” which is not entirely correct. Ashamin has higher stats in every category than Nox aside from agility, which Nox has a 10. Character stats are listed on every profile so that they can be easily referenced, I definitely would make sure you stay to how the stats are written when making a description of your opponent and your own character, especially when comparing them. A good comparison you wrote was: “Ashamin could rule over his heavy black body with a light Arabian like frame in this footing”.

    Make sure you are always using language that writes intent, not definitive happenings. You have a few instances of powerplay, noted below:

    P1: “Then his powerful rear legs faced Ashamins skull.”

    P3: “The vengeful demon took over Ashamins eyes, it was eating his soul from what Mortuus could see.” (this is bordering on metaplay, about knowing Ashamin’s emotions and thoughts without them being clearly relayed by your writing partner)

    P3: “His large muscled body charged straight for Ashamins chest”

    In post two you write an injury that I am not really sure about, so make sure you always reference what injuries you mean, in post two: “He waded in the water as the fresh cut blead into the surrounding water” – what cut?? Also, I would really like to see how his injuries affect him through the fight. The electrical shock doesn’t seem to have any affect after the initial attack.

    Be careful with your timeline. Ashamin called to Nox before Lochan used his magic, and you have those two things flipped.

    Another note: location and direction are key. At the beginning of the spar I don’t understand where Nox is in reference to the lake. You have him spin so he doesn’t slip into it, then he runs forward, which makes me imagine he would be running straight into the lake, but that is not the case? Following that, when Nox attacks Lochan you don’t mention anything except that he kicks him. Make sure to reference which leg and the like. Also, pay close attention to how your opponent writes their position and how you respond to it, because you have Nox rearing and trying to hit Ashamin’s back, which means he would have had to run around Ashamin because he is also rearing, which you did not write when they are in the water.

    In your closing defense your write, in response to Ashamin’s final attack, “Black powerful rear legs jumped into a buck as he dragged his front end away from the bite”, but I do not think that is too realistic as a defense. It would have made more sense for Nox to try and tuck his butt as he ran away, or try and turn away from Ashamin instead of bucking into him.


    Emotion [+2]
    Throughout the spar I think this was the most improved area! I think Jen’s teaching notes helped bring this well of emotion up into your writing of Nox, which is good. It was good to see you take teaching points and actively applying them to your spar. I do think, however, that you could put a little variety of emotions Nox is feeling. He sees Ashamin as his father in this spar, which you mention in every post, where I think you could have really explored the history of the father-son hate relationship. You write that Nox sees Ashamin as his father and he is angry, and then at the end suddenly write that he pities Ashamin. While this could be a realistic turn of emotion, I am left wondering why. Don’t be afraid to explore emotion, even with a darker character.

    Prose [-2]
    You have some good imagery in your posts, but my favorite was especially this part: “A deep blood curdling scream left his maw. It echoed through the mountains, jumping like demons from hell out of the ground.”

    The grammar errors in each of your posts were glaring and really detracted from your prose as a whole. I suggest taking the time to reread your posts out loud or plugging them into a word processor do edit before posting them. Also, remember, that when you want to show possession you must include an apostrophe before the “s” on the end of a word.


    P1: “His gray cold eyes watched the stag” -- missing a comma

    :: “pulsed with every beat as he speed grew faster and faster” -- “as his speed..”, or “as he sped faster…”

    :: “The demonic crown skull lowered” – crowned

    :: “horns towards the paints right rib cage” – paint’s

    :: “Then his powerful rear legs faced Ashamins skull.” – Ashamin’s

    P2: “He felt this horns scrape across the stallions side” – He felt his horns scrape across the stallion’s side

    :: “mark on the paints skull” – paint’s

    :: “He waded in the water as the fresh cut blead into the surrounding water” – bled

    :: “ that’s why he last attack was with such force” – the last

    :: “card like his brother use to” – used to

    :: “It Left him feeling” – lowercase l

    :: “he looked to see the small deer that as crept behind him” – remove “as”

    :: “He knew at that point of time Ashamin” – point in time

    :: “He had Magic” – lowercase m

    :: “Mix emotions ran through his head” – mixed

    :: “How dare him to mess with his heart It was one thing…” – heart. It…

    :: “He let a powerful one leg kick out” – “He let a powerful”, or “he let one powerful”

    :: “full mark there could damaging effect” – could be a

    :: “walked over by Anyone any more” – lowercase a; anymore is one word

    :: “anyone’s shit any more” -- anymore is one word

    P3: “The vengeful demon took over Ashamins eyes” – Ashamin’s

    :: “His maw turned into a smile the showed how” – that

    :: “Now fight me like a Man Ashamin” – lowercase m

    :: “His large muscled body charged straight for Ashamins chest” – Ashamin’s

    :: “Mortuus tried to ram the paint chest” – paint’s

    :: “Upon impact, if his did hit his mark, the sharpened horn would try to impale the left side of the paints neck” – he not his; paint’s

    :: “the other stallions body” – stallion’s

    Readability [+1]
    Your first post was very choppy, with lots of short sentences that should have been connected with commas or semicolons, etc. It was difficult to read because the prose was not smooth. Throughout the fight your posts did not really deviate from this, and your sentences were often repetitive in language and length. I suggest playing around with your vocabulary, sentence length, and the structure of your paragraphs.

    Finally tally: 42.5+(1*2)= 44.5 HP


    *******************************************

    ASHAMIN
    Realism [+3]
    You have a good grasp on how to translate the dice rolls into damage taken, and are good about describing injuries when they happen. I would have liked to see how injuries affected Ashamin throughout the fight better, though. They seem to be diminishing in each post, and when they are noted it is merely cursory.

    You refer to Nox as stronger than Ashamin, but Ashamin is actually higher in every stat aspect than Nox except in agility. Make sure to really pay attention to the stats listed on the profiles for reference. Although their numbers are close for the most part, Ashamin still does have the upper hand except in agility.

    I liked in post three how you refer to some instinctual response from Ashamin. It is refreshing to see this, as horses are prey animals. I love the inward combat between the fight vs. flight instinct: “Ashamin's entire body responded in a way that was beyond control. Every thought was reduced to instinct. The prey response screamed at him to run as his skin shivered and his eyes rolled to show their whites.”

    You have one instance of slight powerplay when you write: “His magic flew forth on wings of plan; despite the haruspex's guilt, the electric power could not be stopped and headed towards Mortuus without mercy.” Make sure to always use intentional language, even with magic. The trajectory of magic can backfire if you roll a miss!

    Emotion [+2.5]
    You know Ashamin very well, and his emotions were constantly a delight to read and revel in throughout the spar. Excellent job! Some parts I especially enjoyed were:

    P2: “How had this become his greatest distraction, his one hope of keeping himself sane when the sun rose? Was this really a desire to prove himself, or simply an addiction?”

    P2: “Ashamin could not bear to look back at Lochan, did not need to in order to understand what was waiting for him in those eyes.

    Disappointment.”

    P3: “What was the painted buck scared of? Not just the cry from the lake but the cause of it, too: himself.Ashamin feared what he had done, what he had become.”

    Prose [+3]
    You are a very skilled writer and it is evident in each of your posts. There was only one grammar error I found, in post two. Aside from that there were a few tense changes, but nothing too glaring that detracted from your score heavily.

    P2: “was well-evolved to protect itself in these situations” – himself

    Readability [+2.5]
    Very easy to read with great flow, use of vocabulary, and a high understanding of grammar.

    Finally tally: 58+(11*2)= 80 HP


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