the Rift


[JUDGED] Upgrading the Doctor's Bag (Tembovu v Alysanne)

Tembovu the Elephant Posts: 805
World's Edge Captain atk: 7 | def: 9.0 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 18hh :: 10 HP: 77 | Buff: SWIFT
Mbwene :: African Elephant :: Ashen smitty
#1
Tembovu
The late Orangemoon air was crisp, creating clouds of breath that left frost clinging and glimmering on his muzzle’s whiskers. The giant didn’t sleep well, these nights. It was cold, still— too calm for the immobile weight that burdened his barrel. Every thing was so dull… Especially now, with the muted grays, blacks, and whites of the night. Well, of the morning— the zenith of the moon had already come and past. Helovia was now just awaiting the warming of hues on the eastern horizon that would mark the sun’s arrival. But that was still awhile away, yet.

So, in the muted darkness, the Elephant stood, staring blankly across the black mirror that was the freshwater pool of the Edge. He did not look into the water— he did not need to see his reflection to know how empty his gaze was. He blinked, breaking his infinite stare into the shadows. What was he doing?

This was useless, standing here in his insomnia like a giant elephant statue. Statues were useless. Pretty to look at, imposing to walk by. But they did nothing. He was not a man who did nothing, he was a King. A man of action. A destroyer of empires and builder of herds—

He snorted, shaking his head at the melodramatic turn his thoughts had taken. He was not those things. He was a stallion, a simple man. In time, his joints would creak, his hooves would ache, his sight and hearing might fail, and eventually his great and giant heart would stop. And he would fall, just like all equines.

Lowering his great head to the glass-like lake, he took a deep draught of the icy liquid. Perhaps the cold shock to his barrel would quell his theatrical thoughts. He needed a distraction, some kind of action to take his mind out of this introspective twilight, so easily brought on by solitude and shadows. Gaze casted around, searching the murky mist around him.

A: 0/3
D: -
WC: 329
Notes: @Alysanne They can chat and then spar! :D I'm fine with magic/companions and extended timeline.
Summary: Cold, heavily misted, before sunrise in the Edge beside freshwater pool.

image

Please tag Tembovu.

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#2

Sleep evaded the Moon Doctor as well, her nights growing restless as the green started to leech out of her world and turn to the golds, browns, and greys of Orangemoon. She didn’t know what to do, if there was a way to get back to the cheerful mare she had been when she first arrived in Helovia. For three years she had dedicated her life to this place, forsaking the bonds of her family (who, eventually, followed her here) and for what? Heartbreak and a cozy corner in the Edge where she remained forever the Doctor.

But there was a tickle of a thought in the back of her mind, a need to do something - something physical, something helpful. She knew she could have gone to Iona for it - her twin had enough experience beating up demons to be able to help train Alysanne into something of a warrior. But she doubted Iona’s willingness to come to physical blows. She would have better luck, she thought, with someone else in the Edge and with few friends left she needed to seek an acquaintance or a stranger. Someone to dance the line between trust and unattachment.

And their king, standing in the cold morning by a freshwater pool, seemed like the best option she was ever going to get.

The chill in the air was enough for her breath to come in puffs of faint mist, solidifying her need to get moving so she pushed herself to make the steps that would take her to him. They were hesitant steps but they were steps all the same. She came to stand near his left side - facing him instead of pulling up to stand beside him. “Tembovu?” She approached him cautiously, still wondering if she was really going to ask this and her green eyes were clouded with the uncertainty. She felt nervous - she had approached Kaj about training once before everything had fallen apart but they hadn’t gotten very far. It was silly, she didn't remember her heart hammering this way during more romantic endeavours. That came naturally to her - this... this was something entirely different. “I was wondering if you could help me with something, if you’re not too busy.” Watching and waiting for a reaction, she took a deep breath before letting it all out in one rush. “I’d like to learn how to fight.” The words were heavy and foreign on her tongue but she willed herself to speak them all the same. “The Edge is my home, my family is here, and yet I'm helpless to defend them.” A steadying breath as she took a step back, the uncertainty in her green eyes replaced with pleading. “Please. I... I don't want to be helpless.”

A: 0/3
WC: 458
Notes: magic/companions/extended timeline sounds great to me! Not sure if I even need to agree to it but it's all good!



@Tembovu
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries

Tembovu the Elephant Posts: 805
World's Edge Captain atk: 7 | def: 9.0 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 18hh :: 10 HP: 77 | Buff: SWIFT
Mbwene :: African Elephant :: Ashen smitty
#3
Tembovu
Alysanne, one of his Moon Doctors, appeared from the mist, mostly white body seeming to materialize from the ethereal fog. Brows raised in surprised— apparently insomnia was not only his plague for the night. Heavy head turned to the left as she approached, facing him rather than standing alongside him. Perhaps she, too, had reason to avoid her reflection? He silenced these musings as he focused on the soft voice that sent his name questioning through the mist. He found relief that Alysanne, one of his first friends in the Edge, did not refer to his title. He was simply “Tembovu,” Not ‘sire,’ ‘sir,’ ‘majesty,’ ‘king,’ or any such superfluousness.

Ears perked towards the piebald pegasus, dark and lonely eyes studying her hesitant face. He waits in silence, voice not yet ready to be used. Help her with something? In the face of her hesitance and the darkness of the hour, the stallion parts of his mind immediately assumed she meant coital-type assistance. Azure eyes widened and brows raised further— it had been a long while since a mare had propositioned him. Lately, it seemed he was the one following his studly-stick around.

Lips parted to say— he wasn’t sure what, but her rush of explanation saved the King from his blundering tongue. Though, his eyes swept over her svelte and feminine form, assessing her for battle— but still noted that her carriage was lovely and her legs long. He blinked, bringing himself back to her question.

“I’m hardly busy at this hour, and would be happy to help you, Alysanne,” dark eyes strayed back to her pale wings, “But I’ve not taught a winged one how to fight.” In fact, it had been a long time since he had taught anyone how to defend themselves or mount attacks. He pursed his lips, realizing how far removed he had become from what he had once been: Dorobo’s great general.

Perhaps in defiance of this realization, he swelled his chest and swung his large haunches to face the Doctor. Hooves churned the dark, wet soil and his head lowered. “But I can’t have you feeling helpless, my sweet Doctor. I’ll gladly be your first victim,” a grin touched the edges of his thick lips, finally replacing the morose emptiness that plagued his face before. He felt something warm stir in his barrel— and it was a welcome change from the dank coldness that existed there before.

A: 0/3
WC: 407
Damage Tracker: -
Summary: He turns to face her, the pond is to his/their right. You can take the first attack, Sarah! I can't teach, so this will not be a 'teaching spar,' just to clarify to the judges!
image

Please tag Tembovu.

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#4

Hemlock, the small owl, was perched in a tree and hopping nervously - torn between disobeying Alysanne and going to find Iona to put a stop to this whole thing and lingering so that he could put a stop to it himelf. King or not, he imagined that this stallion would look much better without one of his eyes. That violent thought dragged Alysanne’s attention away from Tembovu, who had been explaining how he had never trained someone with wings before, and she sought out the small owl to shake her head at him quickly. She had no intention of asking him to intervene in this, she wanted to learn, after all - and she was likely going to have to get hurt in order to do that.

With her focus back on the stallion before her as he turned to face her, she concentrated on not trembling - the excitement and fear growing in her. Asking had been the hard part and now that he had accepted - a small, fearful smile at the word ‘victim’ the only response she could muster. It brought to mind the quest that the Moon Goddess had asked of her long ago, the one that she had since abandoned. She had been asked to intentionally bring harm upon someone else and she had shied away from that deed and yet here she was. But her intention in the early, misty morning was not to cause harm but to learn.

When he didn’t make the first move, Alysanne froze. How was she supposed to learn anything when he wasn’t even teaching her what to do first. “You want… me to start?!” She asked incredulously, shaking her head as she stepped back away from him. But just the one hoof moved, though, because there she hesitated as she remembered that she was the one that initiated this topic, she was the one that had sought him out for help and training. It seemed absolutely ridiculous to her that this could be his method of “teaching” but she wasn’t willing to call off the whole thing right then because she was a little perturbed by his choice.

Her green eyes were wary as she moved, remembering how he had commented on how he had never talked a winged one to fight and hesitantly thinking this might be something she could use to her advantage. Not that she knew how to use her wings to fight but she didn’t have much else - he had a good 2 hands of height on her and more weight. As she stepped forward, angling just a little away from the pond and intending to pass to Tembovu’s left, she unfurled her wings and beat at the air once. Alysanne hoped to just catch him in the head with the lighter edge of her wing, with nothing but feathers, as a ‘look this is my “attack” now please show me what to do'.

A: 1/3
WC: 492
Summary: Alysanne moves toward Tembovu and beats her wings, hoping to catch her right wing against his head



@Tembovu
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries

Tembovu the Elephant Posts: 805
World's Edge Captain atk: 7 | def: 9.0 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 18hh :: 10 HP: 77 | Buff: SWIFT
Mbwene :: African Elephant :: Ashen smitty
#5
Tembovu
At her incredulous remark and backwards steps, he outright laughed, "The best teacher is experience, Alysanne.” The low rumble was amused, relieved even, at the prospect of a light-hearted spar. In his past life, he had found great pleasure in watching the new recruits— long of leg and lacking of muscle— bumble over themselves on the training grounds; only to, after a time, begin to find themselves and know their bodies. Finding their limits and pushing them, for their own survival and for those they fought alongside.

So, it was with familiar delight that he watched the hesitant and wary movements of the Moon Doctor. An ear flicked sideways, to her companion, wondering if he would assist his bonded in the spar. The King wouldn't mind, though he had yet to fight a companion since coming to Helovia.

Navy eyes watched her steps that sought to pass to his left and gain the upper edge against the location of the water. So he responded, his own thick columns of black and cream legs stepping forward and to his left, matching her small steps with his own, large ones. He remembered his fight with Nyx— how he had ended up slowed in the water. He didn’t want to that to happen again.

Unfortunately for the Elephant, his matching steps made what would have been a mere love-tap and brush of primary feathers into a hard crack of wing-bones against the left side of his head. A brief bout of lights crossed his vision as his jaw went numb momentarily, before leaping into a punishingly painful throb. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth as gums, bleeding from the impact, oozed. A low grunt escaped his nostrils— he always underestimated the power of pegasus wings. He had neither trained nor fought against them in Dorobo. And here, in Helovia, he had sparred against wings fewer times than he had hooves.

In the daze, his old training took over and he therefore missed the confused and lost look upon Alysanne's lovely, ebony face. He reared, angling his shoulders to his right, as massive weapons of ivory hooves struck out against the mare. Though there was a lack of force behind his blows, for this spar was about Alysanne’s discovery of how to use her body in attacks. His angled shoulders attempted to push her towards the water with his striking hooves; the water would slow down the lithe, smaller body of the winged mare.

He tried to open his mouth to speak, to give some kind of guidance, but the wound to his jaw prohibited the motion. So, instead, he merely spat a wad of blood from his black lips, letting the woman figure out just how her body reacted when attacked.

A: 1/3
WC: 463
Damage Tracker: Severely bruised left jaw & bleeding gums;
Summary: He matches her steps, her wing hits him solidly on the left side of his jaw, he rears and strikes out, trying to angle her into the water. @Alysanne

image

Please tag Tembovu.

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#6

Alysanne's instincts weren’t made for battle - she simply hadn’t expected Tembovu to move with her. She assumed he would have moved towards the pond as in her head there had been an image of warriors circling one another and constantly trading places. Which was, as she found out, entirely wrong. He stepped forward with her - the proximity turning a simple brush of her wing into a violent whack that sent tremors through the limb.

“I’m sorry!” She balked at the sight of the blood, going so far as to switch her forward momentum and move backward as though she could get away from the sight and the knowledge that she had been the one to draw it. She had never drawn blood before, never carried the knowledge that she had intentionally caused physical injury, and she wanted to stop the spar right then and there and tend to her wounded king - only he was not stopping. Later, she would have time to appreciate (or not) his dedication to the task of teaching her but for now she didn’t have the time to think. If she took it, she’d end up hurt herself. She needed to find her instincts - they must be there somewhere, buried deep beneath her self-consciousness and worry.

But it was still her instinct to move away so she hurried forward again to avoid his striking hooves, letting herself be corralled toward the pond - relief flooding her as she did not feel an impact. Her hooves splashed lightly in the shallow water and she made as though she was going to try passing by him again, only on the other side. Mind racing, Alysanne tried to think of what she could do next. She didn’t want to use her wings again. She flinched away from the obvious proof that it had been an effective attack. While her instincts had gotten her moving again her might caught up and slowed her down.

Perhaps she should follow his lead and use her hooves.

Instead of attempting to pass him fully as she had intended last time, she turned to the left again so that she was facing the middle of the pond. With her wings leaving her side just a little for balance, the mare transferred her weight to her front legs and she bucked. Really she was hoping not to catch Tembovu at all but if she must, she had angled toward where she thought his right side and shoulder might be - thinking they would at least be able to stand the impact.


A: 2/3
WC: 430
Summary: Alysanne balks at the sight of Tembovu's blood, stepping back and changing direction to move to her left/toward the pond to avoid Tembovu's hooves. As she tries to pass him again, she turns and bucks - hoping to catch Tembovu on his right shoulder/side.



@Tembovu
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries

Tembovu the Elephant Posts: 805
World's Edge Captain atk: 7 | def: 9.0 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 18hh :: 10 HP: 77 | Buff: SWIFT
Mbwene :: African Elephant :: Ashen smitty
#7
Tembovu
His striking hooves sailed through thin air as the pale mare disappeared before him to follow his herding shoulders. She backed in to the pond in a small splash of water from her delicate hooves. The ache in his jaw stopped his curse at his own missed attack, and his congratulatory remark at her having evaded his hooves. It seemed the Doctor was a natural at fighting— even if she grimaced and shied away from the blood he had spat from his lips.

Though, he internally mused as the Doctor’s wings flared slightly in her forehand spin, any of the medical profession would know how to deal out pain. They saw it, recognized it, caused some if necessary to clean wound and set breaks. So causing more of it was (for some) the next step. And, it seemed, that Alysanne easily slipped into that role, willing or not.

A spray of droplets foreshadowed her kick— a kick he had though the water would cushion. But he was wrong, The shallows were not enough to suck and slow her legs from their powerful kick that landed solidly on his right shoulder.

A sickening crack rent the misty, otherwise calm and dark air. The outstanding muscles on his right side caved as one of her hooves caught him right at the point of his shoulder— the sound was from his scapula cleanly cracking. Immediately his weight shifted to his haunches, right knee buckling to relieve the weight on his injured limb.

Staring at the white haunches of his Doctor, he mentally scrambled to mount another attack. Going after a mare’s haunches with one’s mouth was a poor decision. Suddenly heat flared in his chest— he had his magic (his crutch). But that was not the point of this spar— the point was to for her to learn how her body moved in a spar, not to maim and kill her.

“Good, Aly,” though he felt worse for wear, the words of few syllables were still painfully grunted out of his bruised and locked jaw. Indeed, for her hesitance, the woman was easily holding her own in this spar.

Spinning on his forehand to the right, he placed all of his weight onto his remaining, uninjured left forelimb. He wanted to keep his injured side away from the punishing blows of her wings or limbs.

Awkwardly bracing his right side, haunches coil and burst, kicking out mainly with his hind left leg towards where Alysanne had been in the water. He wasn’t sure if she was still there— she did have wings, after all. But, still, the half-hearted attack was performed, a duty fulfilled in the pre-dawn.

Though his injuries sucked some of the revelry from the spar, he found that he still preferred this light-hearted jousting to the serious battles had had had with either Elsa, Alune, or Mauja. Those had left both physical and mental wounds. Here, now, in this misty darkness he did not feel like he was losing a battle to his demons or past. It was simple training, and he was simply unaccustomed to fighting a pegasus. And, despite the searing pain through his shoulder and jaw, it was a relief.

A: 2/3
WC: 536
Damage Tracker: Severely bruised left jaw & bleeding gums; cracked right scapula;
Summary: Aly's kick cracks his right shoulder blade, he awkwardly spins on his forehand and kicks his back legs towards her. @Alysanne
image

Please tag Tembovu.

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#8

The compliment from Tembovu did nothing to make her feel better as she heard the crunch from her attack, her knees feeling as though they turned to jelly. This spar wasn’t waking the fire within her, the anger, like she had expected it to. As of late that anger had been flickering under her surface, waiting for any excuse at all to be beckoned and often showing up in the most inconvenient times. She did not know how to control such a new emotion but now when she needed it, when she wanted the power it gave her, it had abandoned her and she was left cold with sorrow and regret. Perhaps the chill was just from the air and the cool water she had splashed into, though she certainly felt as though it went deeper.

Alysanne tried to focus on the purpose of this spar - she wanted to be trained, to learn, but was beginning to feel the cost was too great. How could she ask another one of her herd mates to do this with her? How could she cause them pain? Even if it was temporary, even if she planned on healing Tembovu as soon as she could catch her breath, it was too much. This was one of the prices she couldn’t pay to the Moon Goddess for her quest and now she was doing it anyway.

This didn’t feel light a light-hearted spar to her. It was torture.

In her daze and hesitation she had started to turn toward him, her wings held a little out from her side for balance and each hoof fall causing splashes in the chilly pond. She had been starting to say something, starting to call this spar off, but had forgotten they were trading attacks. As he had pivoted away from her she had moved toward him, noticing the shift in his weight at the last moment. Her wings flashed upward in surprise, fortunately getting them out of the way of the strike that landed on her side - causing her to stumble further into the chilly pond and a shriek of pain to escape from her. Her side ached, Tembovu’s massive hooves would leave a good bruise, but her breathing was not severely impaired and she hoped that meant none of the ribs had been broken with the strike. Lucky twice over, then, that her wing had been out of the way and that their angle had been such that the blow had been slightly glancing instead of square on or the damage might have been more severe.

It felt good to hurt, after what she had done to him, and only the knowledge that he could inflict more damage on her kept her going. Without any heart and with even less imagination, her right wing swung out low toward where she thought Tembovu was still - hoping both to spare his head any more trauma but and to speed this spar along to the point where she could heal him.

A: 3/3
WC: 504
Injuries: bruised ribs on right side
Summary: Alysanne turns to check on Tembovu and catches his kick on her right side, bruising a few of her ribs. Swings her wing low in a half-hearted attempt to catch his  



@Tembovu :D
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries

Tembovu the Elephant Posts: 805
World's Edge Captain atk: 7 | def: 9.0 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 18hh :: 10 HP: 77 | Buff: SWIFT
Mbwene :: African Elephant :: Ashen smitty
#9
Tembovu
The shock of his hooves solidly connecting with Alysanne’s side sent a grunt out from his lips as the impact travelled through his great body and jarred his cracked shoulder. Though, as his hind hooves landed in a splash of arctic water, he was quickly twisting his neck over his uninjured left shoulder to ensure that her shriek of pain did not originate from any serious injury. Navy eyes, swept the slender and piebald frame, finding neither blood nor other grievous injury apparent. But he did find the look upon Alysanne’s face; yes, it was pained from the impact of his gargantuan hooves— but it was also tortured. Apparently the light-heartedness of this spar was one-way.

“Alysanne, you are doing well,” his words are forced through metallic and stale blood in his hurt mouth. He was unused to encouraging an opponent to fight. He had trained, he had guided, he had pushed recruits— but never had he been faced with one whose attacks grew more and more reluctant, especially as they landed with such force and accuracy. Those landed attacks generally were encouragement in their own right.

Not for the Doctor. Briefly, black-rimmed ears pinned in frustration as he floundered for the words to rally the ebony and ivory woman. “I will be fine. You can fight,” his deep rumble cut words out for brevity, as the pain in his mouth grew more acute with each syllable. His forehand began to marginally follow his twisted neck, pivoting slightly back to the left and keeping his injured right scapula firmly away from any attack of the pegasus mare. The shallow water swirled around his front left fetlock as it absorbed all of his weight.

It was awkward, to be certain, being unable to place any weight on his right forelimb. The radiating pain from the cracked bone made his chest grow warm— hot even. But the dark and guilted look in her usually beautifully bright green eyes kept his magic, that deadly and molten elephant, at bay. The halfhearted swing of her right wing sailed past him, gentle zephyrs of wind soothing over his skin and belying the tender intentions beneath her attack. A frown creased his brows, even as his head attempted to drive his great horn through the air towards the tender and exposed underwing skin and joint.

Though, despite the directed nature of his attack, he tried to withhold the great power that coiled in the corded muscles of his thick neck. His Doctor would be busy healing himself after this spar, it would be unwise to gravely injure her now. Indeed, he realized as he took stock of injuries, the healer would have her work cut out for her to mend his wounds. Would that add to her guilt? Or would she feel accomplishment at being so successful in her attacks toward her King?

A look at her face told him the answer to such internal musings. There was very little victory to be found in this icy water.

A: 3/3
WC: 505
Damage Tracker: Severely bruised left jaw & bleeding gums; cracked right scapula;
Summary: Turns back left towards her, keeping right side away from her, and aims horn towards underside of wing/wing-joint. @Alysanne
Great fight, Sarah! <3
image

Please tag Tembovu.

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#10

Her king seemed to have faith in her when Alysanne was left with none. Or perhaps he had just expected more from her. She had been the one to approach him this morning. A less violent and more intimate exercise would have been better suited for her. At least she knew what to do in that situation. “No, I can’t.” She sobbed back at him as he tried to encourage her to keep going, to push through. He didn’t get it, didn’t see just how terribly weak she was, but she was showing him now.

The wing she had extended in a vague attempt to hit him missed Tembovu entirely and she had moved the muscles too far trying to reach him - spraining them in the process. She tried to recoil them just as quickly, instinct over-riding sense as she wanted to cradle the injured appendage as close to her body as she could. Not fast enough to entirely evade Tembovu’s final strike though (for her heart! Surely it would be less painful than this spar!), his horn scraping along the exposed wing joint and dislodging some of the small, white feathers there. They fell from her body, landing in the icy water by her hooves. Her movements ceased then, thankful for the end in the spar, her head lowering almost to brush the surface of the pond. Her right wing hung awkwardly at her side, wanting both to keep it away from the bruised ribs there and to hold the sprain still against her body.

Defeat. Even in something that was supposed to be a light-hearted lesson, she felt as though she failed. What had she even learned?

“I’m so sorry, I can't... I'm not strong enough.” No wonder Naerys had been seeking idols anywhere else beside her own mother. The girl had known, had suspected, that Alysanne was too weak and now it was confirmed in front of their king. She hadn’t started off this early-morning plan of hers with much hope but it was gone now. Alysanne couldn’t even bring herself to look him in the eye as she spoke the next words quietly, a sobbing plea. “Please, let me heal you.” And then let me leave. She would slink back into the woods and forget these dreams of protecting her family, of being strong enough to even entertain such thoughts.

A: n/a, closing defense
WC: 395
Injuries: bruised ribs on right side, sprained right wing, scrape along right wing joint
Summary: Alysanne sprains the muscles in her wing in her attack on Tembovu, his horn scrapes along exposed joint



thank you so much for the spar, Smitty!!
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#11
By my verdict: TEMBOVU is the winner!

ALYSANNE
Realism [+2]
You started off very strong with a good mind for attack realism, scenery, and stat/breed differences. However this seemed to gradually decline, though your closing defense was still good. I also never see the inclusion of the mist setting, and though the pool of water is mentioned in nearly every post it neither seems to help nor hinder you. I also would have expected more breed/stat differences given how different of build and height they are.

Your second post is still good with how well you explain that she receives no damage. I also liked the inclusion of the pool and the motive behind her choosing to buck - and using her wings for balance! However the action was harder to understand, you weren’t quite as concise and at times I struggled to understand who was on what side.

Your third post seems to completely drop the use of directional language as you say you take his buck to your side, but not which side. You also do not detail the damage at all other than saying you do not have a cracked rib, but not what you do have, so it was hard to say if you took appropriate damage. I did like that it shoved her into the water though. I also liked the specific use of you saying your right wing, but again you don’t explain much about how you aim this attack at Tembovu.

Continue to tie in scenery and breed/stat differences more to bring in more realism and use more directional language and descriptive injuries.


Emotion [+2.5]
I really loved Alysanne’s emotions during this fight, especially your first post. It was very clear all throughout the fight that she was so afraid of this and confused by it all. I also liked her reactions every time she landed (or missed!) a hit and how she responded when she was struck. I liked the inclusion of her companion in your first post but I wish I would have seen more of their bond throughout the fight, especially with how emotional and distraught Alysanne was getting.

P1:
“‘You want… me to start?!’ She asked incredulously, shaking her head as she stepped back away from him.”

P3:
“She did not know how to control such a new emotion but now when she needed it, when she wanted the power it gave her, it had abandoned her and she was left cold with sorrow and regret. Perhaps the chill was just from the air and the cool water she had splashed into, though she certainly felt as though it went deeper. “

“It felt good to hurt, after what she had done to him, and only the knowledge that he could inflict more damage on her kept her going.“


Prose [+3]
Beautiful prose all throughout the fight with great use of vocabulary, imagery, and flow.


Readability [+2.5]
Very readable with good sentence structure and grammar, only a few minor errors. Watch the tendency to start sentences with “But” or “And” as those are minorly incorrect.

P1:
“Asking had been the hard part and now that he had accepted - a small, fearful smile at the word ‘victim’ the only response she could muster.” (reads off, I think you’re missing a word)

P3:
“...any more trauma but and to speed…” (remove the but)


Finally tally: 38+(10*2)= 58 HP

*******************************************

TEMBOVU
Realism [+1.5]
You also have a good grasp on fighting mechanics and wording. You started off well with good explanations for how her light attack caused so much damage to you (wings are surprisingly sturdy and painful!) - as well as your motivation with how you placed yourself with the pool of water which was great use of surroundings. I also enjoyed Tembovu using experiences from his fight with Nyx. The only issue I had in your first post was that Alysanne attacked you (and you took the injury) on your left side, but then when you return an attack with a rear you aim at your right side with no indication of moving to shift her to that side. Nice use of trying to push her into the water to slow her down!

In your second post, your realism took a huge hit with the fact you had her buck break your shoulder. Not only is a broken bone generally heavily frowned upon (best saved for critical hits if at all), but the fact that you said his scapula was broken just made no sense - that is one of the stronger points of a horse’s body, and to have it broken by a horse with a lower strength stat and height was very unrealistic. I would imagine the pain of a broken bone would be excruciating, but Tembovu doesn’t seem very phased and in fact goes right into a forehand turn! You do say he coddles his injured side, but I can’t see how well he could manage this even so, especially not immediately after - adrenaline could be some of an explanation, but you don’t describe that. I did like the way the water droplets flung was an indicator of her incoming attack.

Your third post was much stronger with a good explanation of how he took no damage. His horn attack was good and I liked the fact you explained he specifically held back since the spar was supposed to be light - your other attacks never actually said he reserved his power, so this was good to read given the nature of the spar. You mentioned surroundings but didn’t really use them.

Just be more mindful of realistic injuries and how those affect you. You did a great job of this with the head injury he sustained!


Emotion [+1.5]
I definitely felt Tembovu throughout the fight, but it felt very surface layer and just sprinkled here and there around his actions. It was strongest in your first post. It also didn’t fully make sense to me, because he continually mentioned this being a light hearted fight despite the fact he routinely used very strong styles of attack (rear, buck, horn) and himself was injured very heavily. I was also surprised at how little coaching he gave Alysanne given the point of the spar was meant to teach her, knowing she was very shy and experienced - he does explain this a few times as experience being the best teacher etc. so it by no means affected your score, but it read strange to me that he didn’t help and support her more.


Prose [+3.5]
Really beautiful prose all throughout the fight with great use of vocabulary, imagery, and flow. Here’s some of my favorite lines:

P1:
“The low rumble was amused, relieved even, at the prospect of a light-hearted spar. In his past life, he had found great pleasure in watching the new recruits— long of leg and lacking of muscle— bumble over themselves on the training grounds; only to, after a time, begin to find themselves and know their bodies.”

“A brief bout of lights crossed his vision as his jaw went numb momentarily, before leaping into a punishingly painful throb.”

P2:
“Here, now, in this misty darkness he did not feel like he was losing a battle to his demons or past.”


Readability [+2.5]
Very readable with good sentence structure and grammar, only a few minor errors mostly in post 2. Watch the tendency to start sentences with “But” or “And” as those are minorly incorrect.

P2:
“...he had though the …” (thought)
“...point was to for her to learn…” (remove the first to)


Finally tally: 48.5+(9*2)= 66.5 HP


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