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FIFTY WORDS FOR MURDER AND I'M EVERY ONE OF THEM The summer nights hold little respite from the fierce heat of the day, and the stallion's black fur is moist with sweat as he marches through the forest. It is dark, the moon a half-eaten crescent in the sky which casts very little light into the forest below. What sparse light there is is eaten by the thick canopy, resulting in poor visibility; danger lurks in the twisted roots that could easily bend and break an equine foot, and in the low-hanging branches that could accidentally spear into an equine eye. The world beneath the trees is one of mingled shadows and and twinkles of savage eyes in the undergrowth, all of which receive loud snorts and pinned ears from the obsidian monolith who wanders through this particular realm with considerably more care than usual. Although the beast often lurks in the forest without any true purpose, tonight he actually has something he wishes to accomplish. He has fought in the heat of the Tallsun day, and torturous it was; now he intends to fight during the only-slightly-less-stifling night, to truly sharpen his abilities. The last time he fought with limited sight, against Seanan, it was an unmitigated disaster. That blindness was brought about by mud and rain, but in the scorching summer heat there is little chance of him finding another storm in which to battle anytime soon. Another form of half-sight will have to do - an almost moonless night. The giant, for all his flaws, learns from his mistakes. He was not good enough when he fought Seanan, and he needs to improve if he is to take and hold a throne. His third year has arrived and it won't be long before he can no longer use his tender age as an excuse not to rule - he is not a boy anymore. His dragons are with him, as always, but he does not intend to use them. Just like when he fought Seanan, he knows he must fight without their help, in order to improve his physical assets. The red and gold-scaled beasts are certainly useful, and they growl their distaste at him not allowing them to help, but it is for good reason. They lurk in the darkened branches above him, hissing slightly as they dangle their tails like vines underneath them. Volterra finds a suitable patch of trees - near to where he fought Orithia - that are quite close together, but not so much so that it's impossible to move between them. Deeming this a suitable battlefield, he sends up a stallion's battlecry, calling for an opponent. __________ Teaching spar for @Ru ! Set in the Deep Forest at midnight, so quite poor visibility amongst the trees. Trees are quite close together, so space is limited. Feel free to have the first attack! :D And it's up to you whether Vol will use his magic/dragons! Good luck :) 0/3 - words |
My main teaching notes will come after your first attacking post, but as this is your first spar here's just a couple of things to bear in mind (and I'd definitely recommend reading the fighting pages of the guidebook if you haven't already :D) :
- Your spar posts need to be 800 words or under. If you go over the wordcount, you'll be penalised! :C You don't have to use all 800 words, but I always try to use as many as possible to make sure I've described my attacks well enough!
- We both have three fight posts each, however the person who attacks first also has a closing defence post where they react to the attacks in their opponent's final post.
- The success of your attacks is determined by dice roll. So, after every attacking post you make, a dice will be rolled in this forum to determine whether your attacks hit or missed, and how much damage they caused. The dice isn't rolled for each individual attack - it's only rolled once for each post. So even if you do three attacks in one post, there will still only be one dice roll - if the dice rolled a hit, it'd be up to your opponent to decide which attacks they took damage from, and how.
- Our characters both have HP, which is deducted from every time we're hit by our opponent (and also if we roll a critical miss, in which case we take damage from ourselves). The HP you have left after all six dice rolls (three for each person) makes up the first part of the judging formula. So, say opponent A has 40 HP left afterwards, opponent B has 45 HP. Then, the content of our fight posts is judged (how easy our posts were to read, how well we took damage, the realism of our attacks, our prose - basically, the writing in our fight posts) out of a maximum score of 16. This is doubled, then added onto the HP we have left from the dice rolls. So, say opponent A scores 8 (doubled = 16), opponent B scores 5 (doubled = 10) - that would mean the final tally is opponent A = 56, opponent B = 55. So opponent A would win the fight :D
- You can attack as many times as you want in each post, but make sure to keep it realistic!
Any questions or anything that isn't clear, feel free to PM me or mention it in your posts <333
[ you can't stray from what you are, you're the closest thing to hell i've seen so far ]
[ use of force/magic on him is permitted aside from death/maiming ]
| World's Edge Captain atk: 7.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.0 |
| Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.1h :: 3 [Tallsun] HP: 60.5 | Buff: Novice |
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@Volterra
- Yay! Thanks for the teaching spar thread! :3
- Vol can use his magic. But we'll keep the dragons out of this one for now. XP
- Annnd, I feel like this first one is probably going to be as long as it'll get. I really hope it makes sense... haha.
| Dragon's Throat Sultan atk: 8.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 8.5 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 17'2hh :: 3 HP: 80 | Buff: SENSE |
| Vérzés :: Common Red Dragon :: Frost Breath & Toxic Breath & Vadir :: Royal Gold Dragon :: Fire Breath & Shock Breath Snow |
FIFTY WORDS FOR MURDER AND I'M EVERY ONE OF THEM The dragons see her first; their sharp eyes spy her through the darkness, but Volterra growls his disgust as they lend him their vision in order to observe her approach. I've told you, I do not want your help this time, he warns them; they reluctantly narrow their mental bond with him, so as not to share their sight with him anymore. Normally he welcomes the use of their senses, but not tonight. If he is to recover from the humiliation that was his half-blind flailing against Seanan, then he needs to fight without the help of his dragons again and again and again until he no longer requires his eyes or their eyes to win. He needs to steel himself and train himself until he can fell an opponent even in the blackest night; until any foe who thinks they can take him down under cover of darkness will meet their death for their sins. Alas, this time it's too late; he cannot un-see the mare's approach, and the dragons flare their wings and depart before they have to face their bonded's ire. The leviathan squints, narrowing his eyes against the gloom to try and make out his new opponent's features; he sees white wings and a white mane, which help him piece together the rest of her body. She's smaller than him, which he immediately files away in the back of his mind. His greater size and weight would normally swing any fight in his favour, but between the close-knit trees where he can't get up much momentum, these natural assets are somewhat nullified. His earth-crushing body slams are usually his key to victory, but given the towering trees that surround them, he won't be able to get up enough speed to truly throw his weight around. Still, he is confident. He knows his way around the battlefield now, and this woman looks rather young. Younger than himself, which is unusual. Whereas normally the sight of a mare fills him with unbridled lust, this time he feels only an almost fatherly concern for her. Is it immoral of him to fight against her? Should he stand down, ask for an older, wiser opponent? Ha, no. When he was her age, he fought and killed a giant skeletal monster hellbent on kicking him to death; youth, he knows, is not a barrier to greatness. She has approached him, heeding his cry for a battle - and a battle she will receive. So when she comes at him, he is ready. Well, almost. She lunges upwards with her right forehoof, and the goliath hauls his weight backwards a step as a natural reaction to her advances; as a result, her hoof doesn't make a clean connection with his chest, and only results in a relatively light bruise that doesn't restrict his movement. A grin spreads across his jowls as the thrill of battle begins to pulse steadily through him. Even when he is not truly motivated to fight (such as tonight, when he would much rather be grazing and dozing beneath the starless sky), the moment he feels pain it awakens the beast in him. It awakens the berserker. It awakens the animal, the creature; it awakens the fire in his heart and the steel in his muscles. Euphoria spreads through him as he contemplates the fight ahead, as he's assaulted by such good feeling that he can hardly contain it. This is what battle does to him - reminds him that his life is fucking awesome, that it's spread out ahead of him like the pages of a book, that the world is his to fight, to own, to dominate... She pivots, presenting him with her hindquarters. He's not stupid (at least not in battle), so he takes another step backwards to ensure her thrashing back hooves do not make contact with him. Then he lunges forwards as she turns to face him, hoping to use the accumulated space to his advantage as he attempts to crash his chest into her own. He hopes to knock her backwards, to own her with his weight and perhaps even push her into a tree to create bark-scratches; simultaneously his jaws dart forwards in an attempt to plant a hard bite upon the sensitive tip of her muzzle. He uses his sense of smell moreso than his sight to detect her presence, his nostrils flared to drink in the mare-scent. Perhaps his attacks are too hard, perhaps he should go easy on her because she's young....but then how will she learn? Volterra does not know how to go easy. He is what he is - he fights as if his life depends on it. __________ Teaching spar for @Ru ! 1/3 - 779 words |
Spelling/grammar/prose - Your writing is absolutely stunning! This was an amazing post to read, and I really enjoyed it. Some sentences, like 'Easily submersed in the transient shift of her future – dependent on no one, as grounded as an autumn leaf. She swayed and twisted, and gravitated to the nearest star in that headspace galaxy', had me squeeing because they were so good. You're obviously a talented writer so no worries there!
I didn't spot any typos or grammar/spelling errors, which is great. I always say that the easiest way to score points in the judging rubric is to just keep up a consistently good level of spelling/grammar and erase as many errors as you can. Ensuring that all of your posts are proof-read and typo-free means you should score highly in the readability and prose sections, so it's a really good sign that you're already doing this. Great job! :D
Emotion - Ru is a really intriguing character to read, and I definitely got a good sense of her from this post. Phrases like 'He was the shadow, the void; a skull mask with piercing red eyes. The perfect villain to play his part in that childish fantasy of hers; forgetting she would have to ‘hurt’ him too' gave me a good insight into her character - her anxiety but determination shone through. That's the great thing about Helovia's judging rubric; it's not just about being good at the technical fighty bits, because you're also judged on your writing and your ability to liven up an otherwise dull fight with electric prose and character emotion. So you did really well on this front!
Attacks - I loved the idea behind your attacks, and you described them well. However, there were just a few small things I think could be worked on.
The hoof attack to his chest was well described, however I'd have liked to see you explain why she chose to use one hoof and not two. If she was going to do that attack, why not use both hooves for added damage? Or did she do this intentionally, perhaps because it's a friendly spar and a two-hoofed kick would be overboard? Either way, you could have specified why she chose to attack with just one foot rather than both :)
Then, it gets a bit confusing. 'Taking an uncalculated chance, Ru picked up her feet to deflect away from his body – kicking out at his form from behind'. I had to read this a couple of times to try and work out what she was doing. From what I gather, Ru turns fully and kicks out at him with her back legs - if this is the case, you'd have been better off going a bit deeper into the description to explain HOW she turns 360 degrees, so the judge can picture it in their mind and you don't risk losing points for readability. It was very vague how she moved and what her attack actually was. If it was me I'd have said something like 'Taking an uncalculated chance, Ru flung her weight to her left to pivot her body fully around, in an attempt to present him with her backside. She darted forwards, kicking out at him as she did so'.
Also, bear in mind that each fight post is only a few seconds in length. It may not be entirely realistic for her to have been able to hit him with her front hooves, then turn 360 degrees and kick out at him again without him having the opportunity to react inbetween, and then turn to face him again. This could result in a deduction for GM/PP and realism. Multiple attacks per post are good, but try to avoid large amounts of movement - you'd have been better off having her try her foreleg kick and then perhaps a bite, rather than attacking with both sets of legs in one post.
Damage taken - N/A
Other - There's a couple of other things you can do that should earn you some points in spars. First is mentioning your surroundings, and how they'll affect the fight. So, this fight takes place in quite tight trees, in near-darkness. You touched a bit on the darkness part (I loved how you had her locate him by his white parts!) and the trees (when she mentioned using one as a shield) but you could have gone deeper by having her muse over how the conditions will affect her. Will she struggle because she may not be able to use her wings due to the trees? How will she compensate for the darkness?
The other thing is to mention your opponent and their assets. The most obvious thing is their difference in height - she could have mused on how this will affect the range of her attacks. What you can do is look at their base stats (by going to their profiles, then 'fight status', and looking at the top line - the 'Str' 'Spd' line) and compare them. So, Vol has: str 9, spd 5, agl 5, end 6. Ru has str 3, spd 5, agl 5, end 7. This basically means that Vol is a loooot stronger than Ru, so his attacks will hurt more. They're matched in speed and agility, however Ru has the edge in endurance - she could have pondered how this may mean Vol tires first, meaning she might be able to get the advantage near the end of the fight.
Although these things aren't compulsory to include, and you shouldn't squeeze them in if it'll mess up your post, I always find that the judge scores highly for including them :D
Overall though this was a really good first fight post, well done! ^_^
[ you can't stray from what you are, you're the closest thing to hell i've seen so far ]
[ use of force/magic on him is permitted aside from death/maiming ]
| World's Edge Captain atk: 7.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.0 |
| Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.1h :: 3 [Tallsun] HP: 60.5 | Buff: Novice |
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@Volterra
- thank-you so much for the pointers! I think I definitely struggle on how to go about attacking. For some reason my mind finds it difficult in terms of how a horse should move, can move, and what's realistic. That part leaves me fairly confused.
-I hope these attacks came out more detailed, or at least, more straight-forward than the previous post. XD In Summary: gets pushed back, while Vol tries to bite her she dips her head down - gets bitten on the top of her right neck - attempts to bite him back. Tries moving off to the side/left, in an attempt to strike with both forelimbs at his side.
| Dragon's Throat Sultan atk: 8.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 8.5 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 17'2hh :: 3 HP: 80 | Buff: SENSE |
| Vérzés :: Common Red Dragon :: Frost Breath & Toxic Breath & Vadir :: Royal Gold Dragon :: Fire Breath & Shock Breath Snow |
FIFTY WORDS FOR MURDER AND I'M EVERY ONE OF THEM Their chests collide, and the leviathan exhales a deep breath as the impact forces air from his lungs. His teeth land upon feathered mane rather than sensitive muzzle, but the primitive, stallion-borne thrill of biting a mare is still the same. There is nothing quite like a bite; it isn't the most effective or painful of attacks, not compared to a crippling kick with a colossal hoof or a forceful blast of magic, but it feels the most natural, the most instinctual. It takes practice to be able to plant a kick with precision, but a bite...even foals can bite with quite considerable accuracy. It is innate, bred into them, and the giant is not afraid to utilise it. But if he can give a bite, then he can also receive one; in addition, he knows that a bite tends to be reciprocated quickly, and so he shifts backwards as soon as his own attack has landed. As a result, her nip barely grazes the right side of his neck; it creates a minor bruise akin to an insect sting, that nonetheless reminds him that he's in a fight. This little kitten has claws. She's a clever girl, as well. He feels, rather than sees, a wing wafting across his vision, disorientating him and blocking her forelimbs from view. The beast hisses sharply, pinning his ears; he's both disgusted at the sneakyness of the technique, and also pulsing with admiration due to the guile of it. He retreats a step, to give himself more room to try and get his bearings, realising for the first time the true difficulty of fighting in such darkness. The blackness seems absolute, especially when he's dizzy from the rapid movements of the mare's wing. But, he reminds himself, I have other senses. It is these that he utilises; he must not be so reliant on his sight. This is the whole point of this fight, to try and ensure he never suffers humiliation like his tangle with Seanan again. Volterra, prideful and arrogant creature that he is, does not take well to embarrassment. It is tempting to create one of his fire-golems in order to light the area, or to ask Vadir to illuminate the forest with her flame, yet he resists. This is a test, and he must face it alone. This is the determination, the steely resolve, that will earn him a crown; it is this thought that spurs the young warlord on. The beast's ears lift from their position in his mane and pivot around - he can hear the muffled thudding of hooves on hard, sun-scorched ground, and he can smell the heady aroma of woman (normally so intoxicating, but now his resolve is so absolute that he even resists his usual draw to all things female). He focuses every last ounce of his concentration into these things, forsaking his eyes in favour of everything else, like a blind man accustomed to functioning without his sight. His ears, nose, skin - they are his eyes. As a result, he feels her shift to his left side, and just about acts in time to sidestep to his right and out of her way. Her hooves whistle past his flesh (touch, he can't forget touch) but fail to cause any damage, and a cold smile spreads across the leviathan's face as he grasps the fact he's just managed to avoid an attack without using his eyes. This thrill at his own success drives him, and he flings his haunches to the right in an attempt to bring himself facing her again; he feels his tail snag on some branches and realises there's now a tree directly behind him, which he'll have to bear in mind. He launches forwards again, once more attempting to drive his chest hard into her own (which he hopes will be bruised, or at the very least tender, from his previous assault upon it) to try to push her backwards. This time, however, instead of a bite, he lifts his right forehoof and flicks it forwards, aiming to smack it into her left foreleg just below the knee. He does not put enough force into this to shatter bone or cripple the mare, but hopefully enough to prevent her being able to move properly throughout the rest of the fight. Again, he reminds himself that using his sheer brute force will help her as much as it helps him; she needs to learn, if she's to tangle with the big boys. __________ Teaching spar for @Ru ! 2/3 - 751 words |
Spelling/grammar/prose - Flawless, again! Your writing style is gorgeous, detailed and poetic. I really enjoy reading your posts and you definitely have no problems on this front. As I said, if you can get this part down, you're halfway to being a really good fighter, so it's great that you're already doing this!
I noticed a couple of typos, but nothing major:
'extending it out and bellow her body' - 'Below' only has one L
'ith an aweful shiver down her spine.' - 'Aweful' doesn't have an E
Emotion - As above - you've got no problems on this front. You manage to get across Ru's personality really well, and she's a joy to read. Sentences like 'It’s there, but Ru is lacking on pure courage alone, and seems to be suffocating against the flood of unexpected emotions tethered to the moment' give the reader a nice insight into her mind and feelings, especially when compared to the likes of 'Though only for a moment, only for a fraction of a second in her attempts to offset the power raging down - I will not crumble in the face of adversity!' I love her determination to overcome the odds - my inner Vol is like I LIKE THIS ONE ;D
Attacks - You did a good job again, and it was a definite improvement from your previous post! :D However, there were just some bits that were a bit tricky to understand, such as 'she made her own attempt to bear down on his neck, aiming to his right' - does this mean she's bearing down with her teeth, or perhaps a headbutt/body slam?
I was also a bit confused by this: 'She moves at an angle between Volterra and her immediate left, off to the side in an attempt to avoid him head on'. Does that mean she turned to her left (in which case he'd now be facing her right side)? You then say 'At the same time she flashes her left wing, extending it out and bellow her body – as if fanning and trying to blind him with their ivory appearance' - if he's facing her right side, it'd be difficult for her to move her wing fully beneath her body and out of the other side to fan it at him.
Also this was a bit vague: 'She snapped the wing in, stepped in towards the stallion, and raised herself a small amount to strike out her forelimbs – aiming for his side or shoulder.' Does that mean she initially turned side-on, then turned back to face his side? It's always best to be extremely detailed when it comes to movements, and also try not to complicate things - I think in this case, you'd have been better off maybe having her stay facing him and just trying to hit him with her wing, rather than turning side-on to him. During her attack, as well, try to be specific on where she's aiming for: 'aiming for his side or shoulder. ' Which side/shoulder?
Damage taken - Knowing how much damage to take is one of the trickiest things in fighting. Luckily, with Helovia's dice roll system, you have some sort of a guideline. If you already know all of this, please ignore me, but since it's your first fight here I figured I'd give you some guidelines on how to decipher the damage dice roll system as it can look quite daunting at first! :D
The first thing to do is to look at our characters' damage stats. Vol's is 8, Ru's is 4. This basically means that Vol's hits will do twice as much damage as Ru's. 8 is a really high damage stat, whereas 4 is probably just below average, so when you're taking damage you should incorporate these stats into it.
The second part is the damage roll, given in this thread. The formula can look quite complicated, so I'll try and break it down a bit for you:
Character Name: Volterra
Attack Number: 1/3
Attack: 1d14 rolled for a total of: 9 + 1d2 rolled for a total of: 1 + 6.5
Damage: 1d6 rolled for a total of: 3 + 8
For the purposes of taking damage, ignore the italic bit - that just decides whether the attack hits or misses, but you don't need to worry about that because the admin will state underneath whether it hits or misses. The bits you need to look at are the bold and underlined numbers. The underlined number is Vol's damage stat - so, for Ru's dice rolls, this will be 4 rather than 8. The bold number is the dice roll. So, a 6 sided dice is rolled to decide how hard the attack hits (if it hits) - obviously a 6 is the highest damage you can do, whereas 1 is the lowest. These bits are added together to determine how many HP points the opponent loses - so 8 + 3 = 11, which is why Ru took 11 points of damage.
Now, when it comes to writing out the damage you take, you need to look at both your opponent's damage stat and the damage dice roll. Basically, a character's damage stat shows how much their attacks hurt - in other words, Vol's attacks will hurt more than Ru's, even if they roll the same. If Ru rolled a 1, I'd probably look to take a very minor bruise, like I've done in this post - if Vol rolled a 1, Ru should probably take a heavier bruise (but still nothing serious).
These are the vague guidelines I use when deciding how to take damage:
1: Very minor bruise/cut that won't impact movement
2: Reasonably minor bruise/cut that won't impact movement
3: Quite painful bruise/cut that won't impact movement/maybe a pulled muscle
4: Moderate bruise that restricts some movement/reasonably deep cut/badly pulled muscle/sprain
5: Severe bruise that restricts movement/muscle-deep cut/maybe a very minor bone fracture/serious sprain
6: Very severe bruise that will restrict movement/severe muscle-deep cut/broken or fractured bone
There's also something called a critical hit - this only does the same amount of damage as a 6 dice roll, however it's meant to be more severe and ideally taken from a single source. From a critical hit, I'd look to be taking broken bones or very, very severe bruising/tendon damage, depending on my opponent's damage stat.
I then edit for my opponent's damage stat - so if I was facing an opponent with a damage stat of 3 and they rolled a 5, I'd lean more towards taking a moderate/severe bruise rather than a minor bone fracture, depending on the attack. Also, when I mention 'impacting movement', it's because judges can deduct points if you don't continue to mention your previous injuries and have them affect your character. Like, if you fracture your hindleg but then have your character rear up to attack, the judge would deduct for that. Obviously some attacks wouldn't impact movement, aka light bruises, but whenever my opponent rolls a 4 or higher I have my character continue to be affected by that injury throughout the fight.
Also, if my opponent attacks multiple times in their post, I might spread out the damage between the attacks - so if they roll a 3 and attack three times, I may take three light bruises rather than one heavier one. Or, I might dodge two of the attacks and just take more damage from one of them.
If this isn't making any sense please feel free to PM me, I know it can seem daunting! <3
So, onto your post. Vol rolled a 3 for his dice roll. That's an average roll, but bear in mind his high damage stat - I'd be looking to take a fairly decent-depth, uncomfortable bruise from that sort of roll. I think you did a decent job of taking damage, however I'd have probably taken just a little bit more. You say that his chest hit hers and she's pushed backwards, but don't mention if he does any damage to her chest. Given the force of the impact, you should probably have taken at least a bit of bruising from this attack.
She then has some feathers be plucked out, which is fine, and also takes some damage from a tree - this is fine as well, don't be afraid to take damage from your surroundings if it's realistic! Overall, though, I'd say you took more along the lines of a 2-roll amount of damage. If you'd have mentioned some sort of damage to her chest from his slam, that would have made it up to a 3-roll, which would have been perfect. Overall, though, you did quite well reacting to the attacks and taking damage :)
Other - I liked the way she tried to use her wing to block the trees and her white bits from his vision, that was a really nice touch!
[ you can't stray from what you are, you're the closest thing to hell i've seen so far ]
[ use of force/magic on him is permitted aside from death/maiming ]
| World's Edge Captain atk: 7.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.0 |
| Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.1h :: 3 [Tallsun] HP: 60.5 | Buff: Novice |
| Mar |
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Wounds Thus Far (so I can remember XD):
- chest bruising (x2 - second bruising deeper and restrictive)
- bite on the right side of her neck crest - loss of feathers
- right lower portion of her hind leg catches on the rough bark of a tree
- left hock - scrapes a tree
Damage Taken Points:
- ohh, this was very helpful! It definitely made more sense after how you described looking at the character damage stats, and the damage rolls. Also, the guideline for determining what kind of damage to take. Thank-you!
As for Ru's attack here, I'm a bit iffy on it. I decided to take most of the damage on that chest hit. I'm not sure if she has enough room/time to buck but... ah - I'm learning. XDD
| Dragon's Throat Sultan atk: 8.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 8.5 |
| Stallion :: Equine :: 17'2hh :: 3 HP: 80 | Buff: SENSE |
| Vérzés :: Common Red Dragon :: Frost Breath & Toxic Breath & Vadir :: Royal Gold Dragon :: Fire Breath & Shock Breath Snow |
FIFTY WORDS FOR MURDER AND I'M EVERY ONE OF THEM They crash into each other, two creatures of sweat, blood and pain; the impact shudders through him and his own chest gives a feeble quiver of pain at the rebound from the slam. The stallion part of him purrs with delight as his sheer savage power manages to push her backwards into a tree and topple her; the sight of her flailing upon the ground makes every inch of his ego swell with pride. But there's another part of him that is sickened by the sight, because she is barely older than a girl, younger even than himself. She is an adult, yes, but there is something of the child still about her; she is not yet an object of passion, a vessel for his lust to be directed at. He thinks of his own daughters, and how his rage would decimate any man who knocked them to the ground. His stomach aches and twitches with disgust, because there is nothing to be proud of about upending such a young, obviously inexperienced mare. He reasons that he's helping her by not going easy on her, that he's showing her the ways of the world by giving her a good and proper beating - any childish delusions that fighting is glamorous and simple will, hopefully, have been thoroughly knocked out of her. This is how he reassures himself that he's done the right thing, that he's helping her as much as he is helping himself (because each battle throws up new challenges for him, challenges he embraces with gusto). She will learn from this, he hopes. Perhaps they will tangle again in a year's time and he will find her battle-hardened and more than a match for him...or maybe this fight will make her rethink any warrior ambitions she has, and she will recede into the ranks of spies or sleuths. Either way, the goliath's conscience - and his deeply buried sense of chivalry - bids him to stay his blade for now and give her time to get to her feet. There's no glory in attacking a felled opponent, so he seizes the opportunity to snatch at his breath and reaffirm his stance whilst she rises. Then she's turning, and in the limited visibility he can't make out her movements; his first notification of her new position comes when her wing smacks him hard across the face, making a snort of alarm dart from his nostrils at the shock and sudden pain of it. Instinct drives him to recoil backwards, and he scrapes his backside and hocks against the tree that he had swore to remember was there. A thin trail of blood stains his ebony flesh at the impact, and a hiss of frustration erupts from his clenched teeth. His temper, however, remains firmly sheathed. This fight does not call for his berserker rage, not when there is so little to get angry about. This in itself is unusual for him, as his fury usually fuels his battles, adds force to his blows and steel to his veins. Fighting without it is like fighting without a leg, but he reminds himself that it is more good practice for the future. In the half-light, he can just about make out her rear hooves which almost crash into his chest; they come close, but his hasty step backwards saves him from the pain that would undoubtedly come from such an attack. Instead, only the very tips of her hooves graze the skin of his chest, hardly even making an impact. The leviathan acts fast, lunging forwards in an attempt to plant a hard bite onto the dock of her tail, where it joins the rest of her body. As an ode to his sympathy towards her, he refrains from any other attacks, which is a rare act of mercy from a man who is not used to such a concept. She has suffered enough, and his bite is simply intended as a coupe de grace, a finishing touch on an already plentiful banquet of agony for her. He will have to find her a healer, he muses, and see she returns safely to wherever she calls home. Quite why his conscience is so affected by her, he isn't sure, but he's not entirely convinced that he is enjoying his newfound mercy. __________ Teaching spar for @Ru ! 3/3 - 717 words |
Spelling/grammar/prose - This section is kinda defunct in this fight because you've done so well in it, but that's a really good thing! You've done brill in this section so I wouldn't worry about this particular part of fighting, it's obvious you're a talented writer so just keep up the good work <3
Emotion - Again, you've done consistently well in this section, which is really good to read! I've enjoyed reading Ru throughout the fight and watching her internal turmoil, which you write out brilliantly. She's been a joy to read and I'd love to have more threads with her in the future!
Attacks - I love bucks, they're a good and effective attack, however as you mentioned in your OOC portion, I'm a bit iffy about whether she would have had room to actually pull off the attack. Given the tightness of the space between them, she'd struggle to turn fully without hitting a couple of trees, and there's the time aspect too - for her to fall over and then manage to stand, turn and buck without giving Vol time to react inbetween could be considered unrealistic.
In addition, bear in mind that, given her injuries, she'd struggle to lift her full weight onto her forequarters in order to buck. This is the sort of thing I meant in my previous set of notes, about damage carrying between posts - she's taken two heavy slams to her chest, so it's bound to be very sore, tender and tight. For her to put her full weight on it to buck, it'd be incredibly painful and perhaps not even possible, depending on how numb it is. So just try to remember stuff like that, as judges will deduct if you do attacks that are unrealistic given your injuries :)
The wing smack was another nice touch - her wings are a valuable asset in a fight, so it's good to see her using them! :D
Damage taken - Vol rolled a 6 in his last post, which is the highest amount of damage you can possibly do (save for a critical hit). Because of this, and combined with his high damage stat, you should probably look to be taking very heavy damage from his previous attack - like broken bones or crippling bruises. You did well reacting to the chest slam, but I'd have liked to see more detail on quite how bad the bruise is on her chest, especially considering she's already got an injury there. To take a 6 amount of damage, it needs to be something that really affects your character for the duration of the fight, so a bruise should be very deep and painful enough to restrict movement and maybe even breathing.
Having her fall over was a good idea, however, and I liked how she took damage from the tree. But with it being such a high roll, you could have really gone into detail about how much pain she's in, and remarked that she won't be able to move properly throughout the rest of the fight. It'll just stop the judge being able to deduct for realism :)
Other - Considering it's your first fight, you've done really well. You've got the writing part down, and Ru is a complex and interesting character to read. It was a good fight, thank you :)
We're almost done - you just need to do something called a closing defence. Basically, you just need to react to my attacks, but not make any of your own. The 800 word limit still applies but it'll probably be smaller than your other posts due to no attacks in it. Once you've done it, I'll PM you some teaching notes on it :D
[ you can't stray from what you are, you're the closest thing to hell i've seen so far ]
[ use of force/magic on him is permitted aside from death/maiming ]
| World's Edge Captain atk: 7.0 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.0 |
| Mare :: Pegasus :: 16.1h :: 3 [Tallsun] HP: 60.5 | Buff: Novice |
| Mar |
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@Volterra
Thank-you so much for the teaching spar!
I really need to work on attacks and describing them more in detail, as you've explained. I need to find different ways of describing injuries, and maybe some research on injuries in general would help XD
But thank-you so much! Really, really appreciate this. I feel a lot better going into more spars after this. XP Volterra is such an interesting character, and would love to thread in the future! :3
| OOC Account atk: 50 | def: 50 | dam: 50 |
| Mare :: Other :: 5'7 :: 22 HP: 5050 | Buff: DROPKICK |
| Time |
Winning + teaching spar VP to Volterra.
1 EXP to Ru.
