Throughout the rest of the meeting, Alysanne knew what she would be doing afterward. With the healer business cleared up - earning her a few more heavy looks from their great and powerful king - there was nothing else to do aside from address the other looks she had been getting - the ones from her sister. They were significantly more important, anyway, whatever Tembovu thought of himself. Her sister could see right through her, no matter how Alysanne tried to master her face and get those emotions under control. Iona always knew.

Before, there hadn’t really been much to know so it was pretty easy - Alysanne had been a happy, loving soul and was free with her thoughts because they reflected those ideals.

Not anymore.

The rest of the herd started to dissipate and before turning to Iona, Alysanne reached to tug gently on Naerys’s mane where the girl was curled up beneath her wing. She was hesitant to disturb the girl but she needed to for now. “Go get warm, dear. I’ve just go to talk to your aunt a bit.” She nudged at her daughter affectionately, surprised every day with just how big she was growing.

Waiting until Naerys was gone, her smile faded but did not disappear completely as she turned to Iona. “No chance I’ll be able to just slip away too, right?” But even as she joked, the smile faded as their matching green eyes met. She didn’t even know where to begin but perhaps Iona would be able to guide her. She trusted her sister to be able to do that and she suspected that she wouldn't have to wait long.

Alysanne ignored the instructions to start with her wing, the rest felt more important to her. Her green eyes filled with a glossy shine as tears and her weakness boiled over and she was unable to contain it any longer. “I don’t know what’s happening to me, Iona.” She whispered in despair, knowing that if there was anyone she could share these private thoughts with, it was her sister. “I’m angry so often. It’s…” And here Alysanne cast a look around to make sure that they were without company, without ears that might catch the traitorous words that were going to spill from her. “Tembovu. I don’t trust him, and certainly not as a king.”

This was the first time she was saying it out loud to anyone aside from Tembovu himself and she hoped her sister would have a more favourable reaction. “He burned Mauja. The skin…” She couldn’t bring herself to describe the terrible sights, sounds, and smells of that night. “He was so lucky that Evangeline, Tandavi, and I were all in the area. Naerys saw it too...” She never would have wished the horror that was magma-burned flesh upon anyone, especially her young daughter who saw it burning the body of one of her friends.  

The fear that had been the drive for her anger now was laid bare before her sister and she ducked her head slightly as the tears began to well over and fall. But she would not try to hide them from Iona - they had been through so much together and so much apart and she wouldn’t waste a moment trying to dodge tears.

“He’s dangerous, he could burn down this entire forest if he wanted to, burn all of us with it, and there’s nothing I can do to stop him. He acts like a benevolent king but he’s not.” She wanted so desperately for someone to believe her, to tell her that this wasn’t all in her head. Tembovu acted as though she were the crazy one when they had gotten into an argument and she feared that he was right. But surely the sickening twist of her stomach whenever she looked at him meant something. It was a warning. The peaceful herd she had fallen in love with was fracturing all around her and it felt like no one else seemed to notice or care. “I’m afraid that when you followed me here we traded demons for monsters, Iona. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

And then, finally, Alysanne explained about her wing - shifting it slightly as though expecting it to be better but the sprain still caused a wince to crease her dark face. “We fought, I got into a spar with him and pulled the muscles in my wing. Before I knew what a monster he was. It was a mistake - I thought I was ready to learn how to defend our home but I’m not. I can't do anything.” She had seized up in fear partway through the spar, as soon as she had drawn the first bit of blood from him.

The question from Iona surprised Alysanne, enough that it actually shocked her brain into thinking it over for the first time. Was it even about Tembovu? First it had been Mauja, his close relationship to her daughter, and then her anger had even been directed at Naerys - the growing girl who could never stay still for too long and made (what she still considered to be) some questionable friendship choices. And then Tembovu had given her an excuse to be angry that outweighed both of them.

“Well maybe.” Was her petulant answer to the question of whether she really believed Tembovu would burn down this forest. Given even provocation, she was certain it could happen. Perhaps not with no regard for the life within the forest - she imagined he’d feel incredibly guilty afterward while they were all condemned to fiery graves. He had almost lost control during their conversation, what if something more serious happened?

But she didn’t explain all of that to Iona, as her sister tried to explain how it was okay to be angry.

And she knew that Iona meant what she was saying because her voice didn’t raise in annoyance or anger - she spoke passionately, trying to alleviate Alysanne’s fears - and the soft touch to her shoulder further encouraged the doctor to crumble. She shut her eyes against the tears welling there as she listened, as Iona explained things that Alysanne was ashamed of losing site of - that Helovia was so much better than Nocturne, where they had faced actual demons.

It was true, all of what she was saying was true, but these hadn’t been things Alysanne had been able to riddle out for herself lately. She needed this - needed Iona there to reassure her.

“No, I’m not ready to give it up.” She managed to breathe out a response to that question, at least.

“How do I stop it from eating me alive, Iona? I feel like I’m drowning in my anger until it explodes, bringing pieces of me along with it. I don’t know how to just move on when someone provokes it when I went most of my life without this terrible emotion.” It was only getting worse as time went on - building up for years before this conversation, the first time she was allowing herself to actually address the issue. And, of course, she was only doing it now because Iona was forcing her to. “How do you manage it? How does everyone live with this fire eating at them?”

“No, I’m not useless. My profession… I wait to clean up the injuries after and do what I can so they can continue fighting. But I want to stop the fighting before it begins, Iona.” Her sad green eyes met with her sister’s as she tried to sort out what was going on in her mind and heart so that they might both understand. “A few years ago, the herd that used to live here decided they weren’t safe with the Moon Goddess anymore and they invaded the Falls. I had seen a few spars before that but that was war. I remember freezing up as soon as I entered after the soldiers because I couldn’t believe the ferocity that my brethren were attacking those that were unsuspecting. I healed both sides during it because I was so ashamed of what my herd mates were doing, pushing out another herd because they no longer cared for their home instead of just asking to be a part of it - because some headstrong stallions wanted to keep their titles as king.” Her wings rustled in anger just at the thought but she shook her head with a snort and banished thoughts of them. “I stayed behind because I couldn’t condone what was done and because the Edge was - is - my home. I never want to see war fall on these lands again. And I thought… if I could fight, maybe I would be able to stop it somehow before it began again. Maybe they’d listen to me while I tried to stop it if I wasn’t just a healer.” A soft sigh served as her final punctuation, feeling foolish about these thoughts now that she was speaking them out loud and explaining them to someone. Hemlock did what he could and soothed what he could but the first bond Alysanne had ever formed was with Iona and if there was anyone that could help her through this, it was her other half.