i am a leaf on the wind

She’s been making it a habit to stay in the Edge more. Wandering was nothing but an excuse to keep feeling sad and miserable and like an outcast. Of course she felt like an outcast. She’d out-casted herself, leaving every day like she was in exile during the waking hours. It was easier though, to keep feeling sad and miserable and pathetic. It was easier than trying. It was easier than admitting this was really her life now. Corbin and Adelene and her parents were gone, and with the exception of perhaps Adelene, they were not coming back. And she sort of doubted her sister would come back either.

She had to live. She had to try. Corbin was probably rolling over in his grave with her attitude. No, scratch that. No one was left to dig him a grave. Unless there were a few remaining supporters for her family, a few brave souls that might have buried him in the middle of the night. It would be treason now to bury the dead members of her family. Maybe they were burned, but they were not buried.

Corbin was probably yelling at her from the Other Side. Yes, that works. Except no, not yelling. He didn’t yell. He got really quiet and disappointed and that was endlessly worse. She could always see it in his eyes; teal like hers though tinged with a hint of gray. He never needed to talk – she always knew when she saw those eyes.

So today, because those damn eyes haunt her even still, she’s in the Edge when Hemlock comes to find her. Like usual, she’s wandering the forest, the one place she has spent some time in here. She knows it reasonably well, for having spent only a few seasons calling it home. But of course, she’s always loved forests, no matter how oxymoronic it is that she loves both flying and tight, claustrophobic, tree-covered spaced.

A soft hoot draws her attention up, and she smiles as she sees the now familiar owl. “Hemlock,” she says with a smile and a nod by way of greeting. He seems pleased to see her and swoops lower, circling around her once until she gets the picture. “Ah, I should follow?” She assumes this means Alysanne is looking for her, though for what reason exactly, Lyanna isn’t sure.

Their recent encounter flits into her mind, and she can’t help the pang of worry that hits her gut. Was Alysanne upset that Lyanna had intruded on a private moment? But no, she didn’t seem like that type of mare really. Stop worrying, she chides in her own head, wondering what it might be like to have a companion doing the chiding for her. Not that she needed more – she did it plenty herself – but the thought amuses her.

She follows Hemlock until they find Alysanne, not all that far away. “Alysanne,” she says, again smiling and nodding as a greeting. Ah, such a Princess Lyanna. Some habits die hard. “Were you looking for me?” Her grin is a bit more playful as she casts a glance up at Hemlock. “I think he’d be good at hide-and-seek.”

watch how i soar.

lyanna

i am a leaf on the wind

The smile that brightens Aly’s face helps easy any worries Lyanna might have. It makes her feel just a little more like she really does belong here. More like she’s found a new home, and not just a place to sleep at night. If she kept at it, maybe it really would be. Somehow though, that felt like she was replacing her old family. But of course she wasn’t. She could never replace them. Would never stop missing them. Would always, always belong in Morham first.

But they were gone and she couldn’t return to Morham. This wasn’t replacing. This was moving on – living. What else could she do but live?
 
She chuckles at the mention of Hemlock in the trees. She laughs louder as Hemlock puffs up his chest in pride at this, and offers the little owl a grin. “Oh, I bet. I probably wouldn’t be so bad except for the teal. It’s a pretty dead giveaway.” She laughs at bit more, ruffling one wing so the blue feathers flash slightly in the sunlight. Yea, dead giveaway.
 
“Of course,” she says, by way of a ‘you’re welcome’. It seems like the very least should could do for the mare that had, quite literally, brought Lyanna into her home. And then more figuratively, taken her under her wing as a healer. “I’m glad you’re practicing. It’s well worth it.” Perhaps one day they’d go flying – really flying – together. Lyanna was more alive in the sky than she ever was down here.
 
Aly’s smile fades a bit, and that familiar pang of worry hits Lyanna’s gut. She doesn’t show it, but her thoughts start churning anyway. Stop, she chides, before her brain runs a million miles ahead. Instead, she focuses on Aly’s words. They were words of thanks, for the few small things Lyanna had done. Nothing really came of their herb gathering trip, and her only successful recruit had already disappeared. Was trying enough? Because she didn’t feel like she’d succeeded much.
 
The next question, however, is one she’s almost afraid to answer. But she knows she needs to. “Yes,” she says, after a moment of hesitation, her smile less but her words honest. “I admit, I haven’t spent as much time in the Edge itself as I probably should have, getting to know everyone. But I’m working on that. And those I do know though are kind, and the land is lovely, and I hope to learn more about healing.” She doesn’t offer exactly why she hasn’t been around enough. The basics are probably obvious enough – she’s homesick. And she doesn’t need to drag this conversation down the path of why she left. 

watch how i soar.

lyanna

i am a leaf on the wind

They laugh at her joke, and she grins just a bit more. It was true, teal makes for a terrible camouflage. Corbin had always managed well enough, when they played games though. A trick he refused to teach Lyanna, probably so he could keep winning at hide-and-seek. She’s sure he would have eventually, but of course, they always assumed they had the rest of their lives. A few years away in the army, and he’d be back. A few years away for her (though they’d never have let her near a real fight, unlike Corbin) in her own turn through their army, and they’d both be done and home.

Oh, the best laid plans…stop.
 
“I would love to,” she says, genuinely happy to help Aly learn to fly. It’s not as if she has much else to do, and it’s not as if she’s much good at anything else around here. That, at least, she can do. Particularly for the only mare that she could really consider a friend around here. Friend and mentor, which is more than Lyanna can ask for, and everything that she needs. So yes, she’ll spend all her time teaching Aly to fly. It’s the least she can do.
 
It’s clear too that Alysanne understands the meaning behind Lyanna’s words, the unspoken hesitation. She begins talking about calling a new place home, and already Lyanna’s stomach clenches and her heart just hurts and she wants to take to the sky and disappear. Stay put. Her face stays calm though, the mask of a well-trained Princess. She is thankful for that, if nothing else.
 
She keeps going, offering to listen if Lyanna ever wants, and she nearly cracks. Nearly breaks down into tears in front of her superior in the middle of a conversation that likely seems like something else. Had she ever stopped and actually cried? No. She can’t remember ever just grieving. She’s moped and flown and wandered and wallowed. But she never simply cried. Never talked.
 
Was it because she was trained not to do these things? Princesses don’t cry, and they don’t complain. Or was it because she was afraid to say it aloud? Afraid of what others might think. Afraid to make it real. Or would saying it finally just give her some sense of peace, instead of dragging her heart into the ground. “I’m glad you were able to go visit. It's always good to see family, when you can. But I admit, you do seem like you belong here.”
 
She tries to smile, but it’s not as convincing as it normally is. She tries to keep her voice level, happy, but it cracks just slightly on the word visit. Maybe she’d find Adalene one day. But everyone else was gone. Home was no longer home. It was this, or nothing. “Thank you,” she says at the offer as well, torn between letting everything out in a rush of actual emotion or letting the conversation move on.
 
She lets the conversation move on. Maybe someday, but she can’t bring the words to the surface yet.
 
The rest of the conversation is surprising, and her smile returns to its usual brightness, reaching her eyes again. “I would be honored.” Because she really is. She never dreamed this meeting was a promotion. A task maybe, or a lesson or some sort. But not a promotion. “Thank you,” she says again, feeling more and more like she owes Aly far more than she will ever be able to repay. 

watch how i soar.

lyanna

i am a leaf on the wind

Movement pulls Alysanne’s attention away, and Lyanna’s as well. She recognizes the elephant not far off, and she wonders just when exactly Mbwene started listening to their conversation. And how much of it the young elephant really understood. Did she note the way Lyanna’s voice cracked, the way she nearly fell to pieces at the mere mention of home. She hopes not, and decides for her own sanity, to assume the elephant is too young to care about such intricacies.

 
But then again, as Tembovu comes out of his hiding place in the trees, she can’t help but wonder what he now knows. Not that her past is something to be ashamed of. Not that sorrow is even something to be ashamed of. She simply doesn’t want to be seen as weak. The teary, lost little girl. That was not who she was raised to be, and that was not who she wanted to be remembered as.
 
Even if she had become that teary, lost little girl. She kept the tears at bay, at least.
 
She is, if nothing else, still observant though (what else do you do as the ignored, middle-child, besides watch after all?). There’s a brief flicker on Alysanne’s face, an obvious hesitation to Tembovu’s greeting (you don’t even have to be observant to figure that one out). The smile he gives Lyanna is easy and friendly though, so different than his greeting to the Moon Doctor. She’s always wondered if something was amiss between the two, but now, she’s quite certain.
 
Not that she has any idea what. But it makes her wonder. Tembovu seems fine, though in truth, it’s not like she knows the King well. Though if she ever had to make a choice between the two, her choice would be obvious enough. But then again, at this point she’d probably jump off a cliff for Aly. A life for a life, right? Besides, it’s not like she’d actually die. She’d fly away.
 
“Thank you,” she says to Tembovu, dipping her head in greeting, her face a mask of calm and a friendly smile on her face. She is still thankful for her upbringing, and her ability to play diplomat with ease. Show nothing, watch everything. It’s a useful skill, sometimes. “I’m glad that I’m able to help the Edge.” And her words are genuine. This place is the closest thing to home she’s likely to ever have. She might as well give back to the place that let her in when she had nowhere else to go.
 
Alysanne chimes in as well, and their conversation is all business now. Which is fine. It’s not like Lyanna is going to spill her life story with Tembovu standing right there. She doesn’t have any reason to dislike him, but she’ll hardly tell anyone, let alone a perfect stranger. Well actually, that’s not true. She tells when asked, it’s just a matter of how much she’s willing to tell. “I would love to,” she says, eyes lighting up a bit at the thought of actually learning something. It would give her something to do in her spare time – maybe collect a few herbs if she can find some she’s familiar with, certainly tend to the garden as needed. Busy was good, after all. It kept her mind occupied, and her thoughts firmly grounded in the present.
 
She turns her attention to Tembovu, curious if he’ll accept the invitation from Alysanne as well, or take his leave. And making a mental note to keep an eye out for little elephants in the future. 

watch how i soar.

lyanna

i am a leaf on the wind

Tembovu is gone almost as quickly as he had come. It seems almost odd, though at the same time, Lyanna is used to King’s coming and going. Her own father rarely spent much time with her, unless the activity was some shared political event or whatever. He’d appear in her life at random moments, as if waiting for that second when she slipped up in a fight and landed on her ass, or just so happened to be hiding in the forest when she should be with her tutors. And then he’d be gone, off to the next meeting or whatever else.

She isn’t surprised, then, that Tembovu say he must find Dacianna and leaves them. Lyanna offers a nod of fairwell, figuring that’s more than enough. The tension dissipates as he leaves as well, the conversation turning to plants and their uses. Something that both Alysanne and Lyanna can probably talk about for ages. Alysanne teaching, Lyanna learning. And she’s glad for the shift in the conversation, because she’s not entirely sure how much more time she can spend with the conversation so focused on her. Because it’s all still a little overwhelming.

They head off in the direction of the garden, something Lyanna can find, but admittedly, probably hasn’t spent enough time in. She makes a mental note to start making that a habit, and to try and bring some things back when she’s out wandering Helovia. “Willow. Brought that to a stallion in pain once, and looked like a dog carrying the branch.” She laughs at the thought. He hadn’t even tried the willow, but whatever, at least she had tried. “Learned some about seaweed, and its ability to help with swelling, pain, and congestion. Star grass, red clover, catnip,” she says, rattling off the name’s she can remember and still picture in her head as well.

There’s so much, she’s sure, that she doesn’t remotely know. It turns out princesses don’t need to know anything about healing, and learning about it hadn’t ever crossed her mind before. She’d had healers (not that they’d been able to help Corbin or her parents), and had never thought there’d be a need to know what plants she could feed a pregnant mare. Strange, really, how much her life has changed. How much she has changed. Or has she finally just become the mare she always should have been? Sometimes, she doesn’t know. The lines blur together, and she doesn’t know where Lyanna the ex-Princess ends, and where Lyanna the healer begins.

watch how i soar.

lyanna