shah is here seeking to be an apostle --

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Mama left, abandoned me with a kiss to my temple and a searing pain in my breast. I don't think she turned back (she did), I don't doubt for a second that she turned her back and walked away from me (from us) and let all of her memories of Helovia melt from her shoulders, easing her weary steps. Perhaps it's for the best, where her broken heart can take time to heal with patience and new love (not mine, not ours). Maybe she will find someone new, someone who will truly be there for her, who won't remind her of the fractured trust she gave to unready hands. And in that someone she'll see a future of possibility, a true family that doesn't shatter upon impact or remind her of grim days along, a family that can truly make her happy (not us).

I want to be happy for her, want to be proud that she took the matters of life into her own hands and did what she thought was for the best (for her, not us). But every time I woke to emptiness at my side, yearned for the familiar and comforting feeling of sizzling talons against my withers, I wept. My weak heart began to shrivel up, paper thin and fragile as I remember that it's just me, not my family and I, or Mama and I— just... me. "Aurelia," Mama had said to me before she left, voice so quiet and unsteady that I strained to hear it. The name was a common one, spoken when she was delusional and jagged around the edges, wandering the dunes of the Throat in a desperate attempt to ward away the bad thoughts. And me, who she kicked and cursed and hated, chanting the name Aurelia religiously as she sobbed in silence into my bruising ribs.

"Aurelia is your other mom, the woman I so foolishly devoted myself to, an angel I believed could pull me from the blue. I trusted her, I loved her easily, too easily. We spent time devoting ourselves to a quest, believing that by the creation of a small family, we could finally be happier than we were. Alala and you were born, and I loved you so. I felt the beginning of bliss, the sweetest moment of happiness that I've ever tasted." I remember this clearly, the quiver to her words, the way her throat seemed to close like mine did when I felt too overwhelmed. She took minutes to breathe, inhaling and exhaling in the same fashion she guided me through every time things became too much and I became too small. She was suffering, chained down by the pain of her past (our past), crushed beneath waves of self doubt and blue. "The bliss lasted only so long, for Aurelia and Alala disappeared the night you were born. You probably don't even remember it at all, but I do. Gods, I remember so clearly the sudden hollowness in my chest, the pain of abandonment, forgotten once, now returned. Of course I did not remember the night of my birth, it was just a crippling darkness stained with sacred tears and comforting coos, nothing important to remember other than the gentle presence of Alala. I remember her at the back of my mind, a burning brightness that cast away all those budding doubts, replacing with companionship. Thinking back on it, I remember the snap of it, the chord bound between us stretched too thin, trembling beneath the tension of distance until— she was gone. Her and Aurelia, swept away in the dead of night, washed away by the world's cruel hand. And Mama, left to suffer with a son who only brought her more pain.

For months now (was it months? Time is a difficult think to keep track of when you can only tell day from night by the hotness against your back) I kept quiet, a silent bearer of terrible things, grim reminders and unfortunate secrets. It's better this way, I'll tell myself every time I begin to doubt the solidarity, begin to yearn for the interactions I lacked, desperate for socialization.

But the time comes when I find company unintentionally, hooves seeking solid earth with hesitance as I navigate my way through the Throat without the guidance of Yseult. I stumble through the plain in silence, trying not to let the overwhelming fear of stumbling to my impending doom deter me from making progress. The idea of the sea waiting for me to take a wrong step and swallow me whole was nothing short of terrifying, dreading the idea of feeling my hooves settle on nothingness and body teeter into the expansive abyss of the ocean. It comes first when the stench of others, nose twitching as I catch the smell of more than just the warm sands and salted sea.

My ears perk up, the kiss of heat from a crackling flame pressing against my shoulder. I swing my head towards the direction of the fire, taking hesitant and cautious steps towards its source. "Hello?" It's a whisper, caught up in the silence as I take another brave step forward into the nothing.
“talk talk talk.”