None of this feels real.

And I don’t say that lightly, or poetically. It isn’t that I feel as though I’m in a dream, or that the world has suddenly become so inhospitable as to not be real anymore, quite the opposite.

It literally doesn’t feel real.

I can’t feel my body. My wings - beating steadily as I fly undaunted forward - feel as though they are disconnected from me. I know my breathing is laboured, and despite the fact that my ears hear the way phlegm is accumulating deep in my lungs, I don’t feel it.

I can’t feel it.

All I can feel is is my heart. And it’s breaking.

I had dosed off for a time, not because I wasn't devoted to waiting here as long as it took to find Ranjiri, but because waiting long periods of time was not my specialty.

I heard the rustle of the grizzly far too late to have avoided it should it plan to attack, but never the less I felt myself jump nearly a foot into the air. Startled, I looked around wide-eyed, peering into the darkness to see a figure looming behind the bear. A figure clad in black with what looked like a bloody stain upon the tip of her horn.

I swallowed hard.

Come out here. I want your name and I want to know what you're doing here, on my borders at night.

Obediently, I moved forward, nodding my head submissively. "Of course ma'am." I began, trying to still my shaky voice caused by my body which was seemingly not over its initial start. Swallowing, I took and breath and exhaled before regarding her once again. I nodded my head respectfully, before raising it and continuing. "It was light when I left the Dragon's Throat. I did not anticipate how long the trip here would take, and I didn't think it prudent to enter your territory at night. My intention was to wait here until morning and then seek entry." I paused, closing my eyes and nodding once again.

"I came to find Ranjiri. Until recently she was a member of the Dragon's Throat as well."

There. I didn't think that sounded like a punishable offense, but out here, who knew? Father certainly held to strict herd rules, and perhaps the Hidden Falls had their own customs that I was unaware of. Perhaps what I took for courtesy was in fact a slight upon this land?

Looking at Ktulu, the red on her horn, and the bear at her side, I certainly hoped not. 

 
Her words interrupt my own, and despite my unease I have to swallow back a grunt of frustration. Haven't I been polite? Waiting on their borders? What rush is this mare in, such that finishing my sentence eats away at too much of her time? I keep these thoughts to myself, and merely nod my head submissively.

"I wish to speak with her. She left the Throat abruptly, saying goodbye to only a few. I wished to say my own goodbye, and to perhaps know the reason why she left." I paused, wondering how much to reveal. The similarities between the two mares had not yet struck me, which was perhaps a blessing. Had I known I was speaking to Ranjiri's mother, I might have been a great deal more on edge than I already was.

"We are friends." I added after a moment, fighting through the urge to say were friends, and instead poising us in a much more hopeful light.

As the mare drew attention to the fact that I hadn't actually introduced myself yet, I laughed. The sound was good natured and genuine. Here I was, the diplomatic son of Sohalia and I hadn't even bothered to offer up a name, only my silly boyish needs.

"Apologies. I am Rhoa of the Dragon's Throat." One of my wings swept forwards, towards my chest, and I arched my head over it in a polite bow. As my sea-green gaze rose, the words and you are? rose on my lips, but I held them back. Given the abruptness with which this conversation was proceeding, I decided that keeping things as brief as possible was likely my best course of action.

 

I am mildly surprised at the compliance the bear demonstrates towards a creature who would normally have been its prey. I know that companion and bonded bonds do change the nature of certain relationships, but to see a horse dominate the bear so easily (even one as intimidating as Ktulu is) is strange to say the least. Still, I am pleased, for it seems that my request has been granted.

Her question catches me off guard, and I feel my head comically tilting too far to the side as if confusion has literally filled my skull up and is now tipping it. "Well...you see.." A breath. A pause. "I left once without saying goodbye to her and I promised I would never do that again. I know that this is her leaving but...It feels the same. It feels as though something should be said." I answer, no hesitation or embarrassment present in my voice now that I have begun speaking.

....Momma?

I feel my knees grow weak. Momma, as in Ktulu is her mother? My sea green gaze rises to try and search out the eyes of the Constrictor, wondering if I will see a bemused smile there or a scowl.

I'm an idiot.. I grown mentally.

"I-" A stutter. Get a grip. "I'm fine." I say steadily, watching Ktulu disappear into the darkness - which is more of a relief than I care to admit. 

Alone now, I focus on Ranjiri. Her first question almost stinging the back of my eyes: why are you here? Why am I here? "Why am I here?" More endless staring, as if waiting for her to laugh because of how absurd her question was. "You left and didn't say goodbye. I thought - " What was it that I had thought? That she shouldn't do to me what I did to her? That she owed me, especially after what I had done. And that, naively, Am I the reason you left?

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

 

She says the words I'm sorry, but they sound just like that: words. As she continues, every syllable that falls from her lips feels like a stone in my gut. I try to hide the shock and dispair that I feel inside. I'm not sure if I"m doing a good job or not - the only ever time I've experienced such horrid rejection was when Mother and Ivezho left, but of course, there was no one around to see those silent tears.

But now there was, and she was right before me.

But she didn't care.

I swallowed hard.

I had accepted a life without my twin. I had accepted a life without a companion despite the fact that my soul cried out for another constantly. But somehow this felt harder than all of that. More fresh and deep and -

I had told her on the beach that I missed her, and she had laughed at me, her eyes full of confusion. Glacia was a distant mistake in my mind - Khvasir a child who seemingly needed nothing from me. Was that what made it so easy to forget that mistake? Because they had forgotten me as well? Had Ranjiri forgotten? Did she even care? Was I being selfish in thinking any of this - her reaction - had to do with me? Was it possible that she just didn't care about me, regardless of what I had done? That those things only added to her general dislike of me?

Had I really read her so wrong?

I had thought..

I had hoped.

I had told her I missed her once upon a time. And here I was telling her I wanted to say goodbye. Both times though, what I meant was I love you.

"I see." I finally manage to mumble, stupidly. My words feel as thick as my vision does, as if the tears that threaten to push themselves forward are also blocking my vocal chords. "I'm sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night then. I had meant to wait until morning-" Rambling. I'm rambling, but the words are the only things that are preventing my knees from buckling and my eyes from overflowing. If I keep talking, it isn't quite goodbye. If I keep talking..

"-but Ktulu, your mother, I had no idea that she was - anyway - she came along, you see. And so.." Finally, my lips shut and my gaze rose slightly to find hers. I must look like such a fool, on the edge of her new home, in the dark, mumbling about having met her mother, my voice sounding nonchelant but with undertones of the type of hysteria that comes with grief. 

"And so-" I repeated, losing my train of thought. Her eyes were too distracting to speak, and the words I didn't think it was important pounding in my ears. 

 

I shake my head. You don't need to apologize, that shake says. I'm the idiot who woke you up in the middle of the night, not realizing you intentionally left me behind. A smile - a pained one - parts my lips and I try to interrupt her, not wanting to hear her apologize. In my ears it sounds patronizing, now that it's all clear.

"No need to apologize. It's my fault. I should have realized.." Then I did laugh, a tortured and jaded sound. "I mean, you did say goodbye, didn't you? Father said you told me you were leaving." I left the rest unsaid. I didn't need to explain it to her - she was the one who chose who to say goodbye to, after all.

Suddenly she's stepping forward and I think that she means to give me a pity hug and send me on my way. But then her body is against mine - her chest against my own (I realized I lowered my head to accept her embrace without even thinking). I can feel her beginning to speak, and I wait to hear something like, Goodbye Rhoa, or perhaps optimistically Fine, stay here tonight and go back in the morning - and because I'm hearing these things in my head, I almost miss what it is that she is saying.

It takes my mind a few moments to catch up - to play back her words to make sure that I've heard them correctly and that I'm not just imposing my desires and needs onto her. Part of me wants to ask her why she left then? Why say she didn't want to say goodbye, and then just leave me? Why ask me to stay with her (for how long? where?), when we've only been a few hundred meters away from each other for the past few weeks. But of course that part is entirely annihilated the first time I feel her take a breath: I feel her body press against mine and then release, feel the warm puff of air against my skin, and suddenly I don't care.

I don't care why she left. I don't care whether she was telling the truth when she said she didn't think saying goodbye to me was important, didn't care how long this was to last for, what it meant, or what I did to deserve this.

"Always." I agree readily into her mane, wrapping my long neck around her own and inhaling her scent - already mingled with the scent of the earth for having been here. "I'll stay as long as you like." My wings spread forward, reaching around her shoulders and bathing her in the gently pulsing warm light of my feathers.