the Rift


[PRIVATE] heart to heart

Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#1

I'd stayed busy since going to the Falls, which was good. When I was busy I didn't have time to think about the life that I'd left behind in the Dragon's Throat. I didn't have time to think about everyone that I missed. It was when I was bone tired and ready to fall asleep that my mind finally started recalling everyone that I missed and Cera was always the first one that I thought about. I missed fallilng asleep to the sound of his breaths and the warmth of him against my side. I missed idle chats about nothing in particular and the quiet comeraderie between us as we worked together. I missed just having my brother with me.

I had passed a message along for Cera to meet me in the meadow so we could talk. When I had left him in the Throat I had known that underneath that brave, understanding exterior that he'd that he had to be hurting as much as I was. I wanted to make sure that we were both okay, that there were no hard feelings, that he still loved me as much as I loved him. I wanted to make sure that we were still friends.

There were other things that I wanted to talk to him about, too. Ever since Rhoa had agreed to stay in the Falls with me I had wondered why Midas hadn't done the same when Momma had asked him. I wondered if Cera might have some idea. And ... I realized that I didn't really know anything at all about the man that sired me. Cera had spent far more time with him than I had and I figured that he had to know a lot about him.

I just hoped that there were no hard feelings and that Cera would come to the meadow to talk to me.


"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

@Cera

aud pixel!

Cera the Golden Prince Posts: 419
Outcast atk: 5.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.3hh :: 6 Years HP: 65 | Buff: NOVICE
Ilaria :: Red Panda :: Heal Brit
#2



No matter how his heart may wrap around his chest like vines, sucking the breath from his lungs with the crushing loneliness and weight of his emotions, Cera cannot deny his baby sister anything. Even if he is still conflicted with how he feels in the wake of her departure (not a wake, a tsunami. something that topples and destroys and leaves devastation and despair. there are few survivors in its passing, and those who do are left crippled. he is crippled without her.) he cannot leave her standing on the horizon awaiting a brother who would never come. Because he always came for her, and he could not let his emotions get in the way of that vow now. 

The journey itself is ample distraction, and Ilaria keeps a steady stream of chatter from her side of the bond to keep him occupied. She knew him intimately, was aware of the pressure he felt exuding itself upon his frail frame. Close to caving in, hollow with his sister's loss. He was nothing without family, incapable of living as an individual. His purpose in life was his herd, his relatives. Midas had passed on, Ryuu had disappeared into the northern reaches, and now Ranjiri. Ilaria tried to soothe him, with her tiny paws and the warmth of her thick tail against the crest of his shoulder. Tried to distract with ideas of what he could ask Ranjiri when he saw her, wondering how much she'd already experienced in their short time apart. How much could truly change in so short a span of days? But it was a rhetorical question, because Cera knew that far too much could happen in a single crest of the sun to hope that Ranjiri's transition had gone smoothly. 

She is a gleaming onyx guardian, exactly where she'd said she'd be. Awaiting him beneath the scorching sunrays. He moves towards her helplessly, a smile already forming on his pale lips, no matter how tired it may appear. He could not sleep without her by his side, not yet. The change was too drastic after so long with someone by his side. The days were harder with few hours of sleep, and he slept during the day far more often now. The magnolia was often abandoned, because he could not bear to feel her absence where she should be when the moon rose in the sky. 

He seamlessly stepped up to embrace her with arched neck and enveloping wings. Her scent as familiar to him as the sun's consistency every morning. Stepping back he cast verdant eyes across her frame, checking for injuries and changes before meeting ruby eyes. 

"How are you, sister? Is the Falls treating you well?" Ilaria cooed her greeting from between Cera's wings, tail flicking pleasantly across the backs of his feathers as she allowed the siblings their reunion. But there was still something on Cera's mind, and it found its way naturally to his tongue. "What did you want to talk about?" For he assumed that was why she'd called him to this place.

So I bare my skin and I count my sins
I am Ceraaaa
Please only tag starting posts, spars, and threads collecting dust!

Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#3
The relief I felt upon seeing Cera was swift and overwhelming. I hadn't worried so much that he wouldn't show up as I was that he'd bee too busy and would be unable to. I needed to see him. I needed to talk to him. The last time we'd lived apart was so long ago and I was desperate not to let distance tear our relationship apart. I mean, even if we lived in two different herds and were hundreds of miles apart he was still my brother and I still loved him with every fiber of my being.

I smiled when he wrapped his wings around me, glad for the physical contact. I'd always felt safe and loved with him and right then was no different than any other time. "I miss you." I whispered against his neck. "I miss you so much." I wanted to ask him to stay with me in the Falls, too, but I didn't want to put him in the position of having to choose. I'd already done it to Rhoa and I was sure that having to tell Gaucho that he was leaving, too, was hard. No matter how much I wanted Cera with me I couldn't rip him away from the Throat. No matter how much I wanted to be selfish I wouldn't.

"How are you, sister? Is the falls treating you well?"

"I'm okay." I answered. "They made me a Mason. I think its because I had the best teacher in the Throat." I offered another smile and I shifted my weight. It was never usually hard to talk to Cera, all I had to do was ask him a question and I got an answer, but the subject of our father was a touchy one. He was a wound that had scarred over, one that ached on rainy days, and was always present, always visible even when the days were good.

Before I could say anything he beat me to the punch and asked why I had asked him there. "I wanted to talk to you." I admitted. "About uhm .. about Midas-- Dad." I said. "I didn't get to spend a lot of time with him so ... I don't really know anything about him. All I know is ... its just flashes of memories from the times that he did visit. And I remember Momma asking him to stay with us and him refusing. And ... I asked Rhoa to stay with me in the Falls and he agreed and it made me wonder. If he loved Momma as much as he said he did why didn't he stay? I've been trying to understand it and I just can't. And ... it made me wonder if he really loved her. And if he really loved me."



"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

@Cera

aud pixel!

Cera the Golden Prince Posts: 419
Outcast atk: 5.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.3hh :: 6 Years HP: 65 | Buff: NOVICE
Ilaria :: Red Panda :: Heal Brit
#4



The utterance of her confession tears at his fragile heart strings, and he wants to beg her to return almost as badly as she wants to do the same to him. But they both bite their tongues, their love transcending selfishness to understand that their individual herds offered something meaningful and special to them. Being torn away from that, for either of them, was unfair. Placing judgment was even less fair, and so Cera buried his face into her mane and tried not to feel the old, weary creak of loneliness in his bones. Cera felt far too old for his years sometimes, despite the contrasting joviality of his disposition. 

"I've missed you too," he confesses softly in return, knowing it's not his place to say anything more lest he make a rash decision. He would give anything for his sister, and Cera is grateful she does not ask him to come with her, because he is unsure if he would be able to deny her. But the Throat is his home. He was born there and if he had his way he would die there. While Ranjiri's departure had ripped something from him, leaving the Throat would tear out a piece just as large. 

The Falls seemed to be treating her well, and Cera chuckled humbly as she claimed her ascension lay in the fact that he had instructed her for so long in the art of creation. "I'm hardly the best," the Prince laughed, too humble to accept the praise but too enamored with his craft to deny he at least had some skill. "Maybe we can collaborate in the future. You must tell me what it's like to work with stone!" Cera longed to know what it was like, but he was also aware that it was an impossible dream. His hooves only belonged in the sand and surf. 

The lightening mood is immediately dragged back down again as Ranjiri tentatively navigates around her words. Midas' name rings in Cera's head as his face goes slack, listening stoically as Ranjiri phrases her question. He can't blame her. The man had been a mystery to her, despite her being his direct progeny unlike Cera. And Cera knew him far better, held memories Ranjiri could never share of the gilded Gallant. But Cera also knew the shadows that he could speak of that would stain his sister's memory of their father, and instinctively desired to protect her from that. But she was an adult, already doubtful, already hurt and wondering. He could not lie just to try and spare her. 

"There are a lot of things I know about Father," he sighs, knowing already the flood of words that are bound to roll of his tongue momentarily. He cannot call him dad, but in this moment does not want to call him Midas either, if only out of respect for all the man had done for him. "But I never understood why he didn't follow your Mother to the Falls. He had been in the Throat as long as I can recall, perhaps with his station he felt unable to leave. And yet, when the wraiths were purged...apparently he did not have such hesitation then." Frail birdlike shoulders shrug alongside a defeated exhalation, for he still could not understand what had driven Midas to become Czar of the newly created Falls. 

"I know he loved you. He visited for you most often, and I begged to see you until he would cave. But your mother..." Cera did not know much of her, despite her presence when he and Hototo had first taken flight. His throat tightens at the memory and he has to turn his head to blink away the sting of tears, clearing his throat softly and hoping she does not ask. The pain still aches. His best friend, his brother, is nothing more than a memory now. "Midas loved Ktulu. But I think it was more complicated than that. You can love someone in so many different ways, Ranjiri. And sometimes it's easier to run, to hide from the truth, than to work past those obstacles for the sake of your love for them." A more cowardly notion, but it was the only other theory Cera had ever been able to form concerning his father's departure and contrasting prior reluctance to move to the Falls with the larger portion of his family. 

Knowing how his sister felt about Rhoa did nothing to ease the brotherly protectiveness that rose like a lion in his breast, but she was an adult. A fine young mare, who was capable of making her own decisions. Even if he envied her them. "Rhoa does not have the shackle of an important role to fill. And his love for you is uncomplicated. That kind of love is hard to come by, but it is what drives him to you regardless of what he may sacrifice." There was a certain, nostalgic fondness that emanated from his heart when remembering Rhoa. The two had been close at one point in time, but those days had faded beneath the sun, twirling away into shards of scattered glances and nodded greetings. 

"But he loved you. Regardless of what made him stay in the Throat, or any problems he may have had with your mother, he loved you. There was never a day he did not talk about you, and I know he would be proud to see you making your way into the world now." Or so he hoped. Cera was only a shoddy medium trying to channel his father's ghost, praying for wisdom and the right words to comfort Ranjiri's conflicted feelings. Subpar at best, in comparison to the real Midas, but he'd do anything to try and lay his sister's fears to rest. 

So I bare my skin and I count my sins
I am Ceraaaa
Please only tag starting posts, spars, and threads collecting dust!

Ranjiri the GoldenShade Posts: 372
World's Edge Mare atk: 4.5 | def: 8.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 :: 5 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Mara :: Common Rougarou :: Shadow ali
#5
"I know he loved you."

"Midas loved Ktulu."

"There was never a day he did not talk about you."


Then why didn't I feel it? Why did I have to stand there and wonder if he loved me and ask Cera if he did? A child shouldn't have to wonder if their parent loved them and yet there I was and it was maddening.

"I never felt it." I murmured in response. I couldn't remember what my father's hug felt like or even he had ever hugged me. I couldn't remember hearing him say 'I love you' to me the way Cera had. Even Momma had said it when she thought I was sleeping.

There was a lot that I didn't understand, though. Like why, if he loved Momma as much as he said, wouldn't he live with us. Why, if he loved me like Cera claimed he did, did he choose the Throat over us? Why, when the sickness ended did he finally go to the Foothills-turned-Falls when we had already left?

I knew that love was a complicated thing. It was something beautiful and it didn't make sense, but it didn't have to. That's what I had told Roskuld one time, deep in the forest. I think it was right after Hototo had died. I just couldn't understand the concept of running away from it. Wasn't love something that was meant to be embraced? Didn't everyone seek love and acceptance from others?

"I feel ... I feel so angry with him sometimes." I said and I shook my head. "I shouldn't, but I do. I mean..." I sighed and frowned. "I hardly had  father growing up and when he did visit it was only for a few hours. I never got to know him. I taught myself how to fly so I could go visit him." And even then, on the red sands of the Throat, I remembered Gaucho more than I remembered my own father. "And then when I was finally able to move to the Throat he wasn't there. He was in the Falls, after all the times that Momma asked him to live with us. What made him finally decide? And why when we weren't there? I just ... I don't get it." And I probably never would because Midas wasn't around anymore to explain the why.

"... do you feel that way about Momma? Like she doesn't love you?" I found myself asking. I knew that Cera had grown up without a mother and I knew that if Midas had come to the Foothills he, likely, would have taken Cera with him and Cera would have had a Momma. But I knew how distant Momma could be and ... and ...

I sighed and shook my head again.

"I think the best part about having Midas as a father is having you as  my brother." I admitted.



"."

Mother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through me

@Cera

aud pixel!

Cera the Golden Prince Posts: 419
Outcast atk: 5.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 4.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.3hh :: 6 Years HP: 65 | Buff: NOVICE
Ilaria :: Red Panda :: Heal Brit
#6



"I never felt it." 

Cera's eyes briefly fluttered shut, too aware of how deeply he understood what she meant but also aware of how he had been blessed with Midas' attention far more than she. But she, at least, had known a mother's love. So he supposed they both experienced the gaping hole left behind when a parent did not love you as they ought to. But he did not know what he could say to ease something like that, an ache that lay in the past but still hurt her in the present moment. It was a hurt he could not heal or soothe, but one he felt in his own heart. So perhaps he could offer her the understanding that she was not alone in how she felt. 

"I know," he murmured, as if the weight of that knowledge was simply too heavy to speak any louder. "I can't fix that. I can't change that for you, and I'm sorry. If I could, know that I would." Cera would sacrifice his own status as a son to Midas if it would have given Ranjiri the ability to grow up beneath the love of an unbroken family. He did not hold that power though, and there was nothing he could do for her. That was the worst fate he could ever suffer. 

Head shook sadly as the Prince sighed. "You never should have had to make the effort on your own. That's the job of a father. But...I don't know. I'm sorry Jiji but I just don't know why he did that. Why he only left when the Gods called him. Perhaps his love and his loyalty for them was simply stronger than his love for us." And if his voice was plainly bitter, well. Ranjiri would surely understand why. "Even with how close he and I were in comparison, he still abandoned me. I don't know why, and I suspect we will never know." The dead could not talk, after all. No matter how many questions Cera may still have for his father beyond the veil. 

"I am still angry with him, even after all this time. It does not make life easier for me. Do yourself the favor, Ranjiri. Do not waste your time being angry with a ghost. Forgiveness is stronger than any grudge." Fate's powers could not be swayed, and their unanswered questions could either haunt them both forever, or they could set themselves free by forgiving Midas' transgressions. 

"... do you feel that way about Momma? Like she doesn't love you?"

The question caught Cera so off guard that he flinched, and Ilaria cooed softly in his ears as her paws rubbed soothingly at his skin. Motherhood was a difficult topic for Cera, perhaps more so than any conversation about Midas could aspire to be. 

"I...Ranjiri you must understand, I am not...tied by blood to your mother in any way. I doubt she even remembers me, much less feels any particularly strong emotion towards me." Despite his efforts Cera could not hide the pained strain of his voice as he spoke. It's okay, Cera. You never needed a mother to be loved. It doesn't make you someone lesser. Ilaria's voice was a gentle, familiar consolation. But it did not do much for the lump in his throat. 

"My birth mother abandoned me in the Throat, and I did not even speak to another soul until I was well on my way to my first year. I don't want to insult your mother by saying that yes, I don't believe she loves me. But I was never her son, and I was never loved by her." Not that he held it against Ktulu, for he understood why she would not feel so deeply towards him. They had only met once or twice, and he had been there for Ranjiri most of the time. She had no ties or requirements to fulfill regarding the Golden Prince, and Cera had never asked her to play mother for the adopted son of her then-mate. 

But Ranjiri's last words were a balm to his aching heart, and Cera smiled a tad sadly and bumped her nose gently with his own, trying to lift her eyes and spirit. "I'm glad. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Ranjiri. And we don't need Midas to tie us together." Blood would never come into question, for their relationship ran far deeper than that. 


So I bare my skin and I count my sins
I am Ceraaaa
Please only tag starting posts, spars, and threads collecting dust!


Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture