the Rift


[PRIVATE] a wish

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#1
As beautiful as Frostfall in the Edge was, Alysanne often weathered it with impatience. There was still green in this forest, with the firs and pines that did not shed their needles when the cold weather came, but it was not the green she craved. She wished for long Tallsun days and warm nights, to bring an end to the snow and the cold. Wished for a Birdsong that brought rebirth to the forests and meadows and, perhaps, to herself as well. If only it were so easy.

Today, though, was starting a little differently. She had managed to sleep a little more in the night than she had recently, woken finally by a nightmare of magma demons tearing Iona apart. Standing in the woods where she was - not at her nest, but some random spot she had found - she scowled at herself for such terrible images. It had been years since she had found out her memories of the demon attack had been taken from her, and longer since the event had actually happened. Surely the nightmares weren’t going to start again.

And that little addition of the magma? A not-so-subtle reminder from her subconscious that she was not as over events in her past as she had thought.  

Dawn was just beginning, but it was only marked by a slight lightening of the shade of grey the world had found itself in. Small flakes of snow were falling when she opened her bright green eyes, promising a flurry before long. As soon as she was awake she moved from that spot, eager to leave the bad memories of the nightmare behind. Hemlock swooped down off of her head, flying before her as she wandered.

Today, Alysanne found peace in the soft drifts of snow and the muffled sound of her hooves as she forged a path through the depths. The sky above her continued to lighten as the sun rose but the snow increased, large fat flakes falling now around her, catching in her hair, coat, and the feathers of her wings. Hemlock made a game of trying to weave between flakes to avoid being hit, encouraging a small smile on his bonded’s face as they found their way to a clearing. This one was away from the tent, and blessedly had no crafted items within sight - except the purple and glass halter that she wore.

There she paused - just out from underneath the canopy of the trees where she could see the clouded sky - tilting her head to the sky so she could feel the soft patter of the snowflakes against her face. The scene was peaceful even if her mind wasn’t, so as her bright green eyes stared up into the distance she thought she could maybe understand those who enjoyed this season so much.

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding


for @Mauja <3
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#2
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
tell me you miss me and I’ll come home
I’ve been away from your hearts too long


Picking up where he left off had never been Mauja's strong point.

He had always been more inclined to run, throw everything he had built, all he had loved, to the wolves and go somewhere else; start over, from scratch, until the mistakes piled up too high, and he ran again.

And again, and again, and again, a vicious cycle never ending as Mauja fled from himself.

He would rather disappear again, than linger here, like a ghost with his heart anchored on the limestone cliffs. Go somewhere where no one knew his name, his deeds, his failures—like vaulting down a glacier crack and having to be rescued by his patron Goddess of all things. And worrying the herd. Disrupting the daily rhythm of things with a fucking search and rescue.

He would only have been a good Emissary if Tembovu had, for whatever reason, wanted to have a chat with the icy heart of the Steppe. He had been doing his job excellently, lying comatose in the dry, cold belly of the mountain ice. Much alliance, very diplomat.

The only thing he had learned was that he couldn't starve to death, either. Just like the starlight sat in his heart and kept the organ beating after all his blood had left his veins, it did so too after all the fuel had been burnt and the temperature had dropped. It was strange, to have had his immortality proved twice, and both times because he was too dumb—the first time, he hadn't been brave enough to tell Tembovu his darkest, most despairing moment had passed. The second time, because he hadn't really tried to get out of his grave, trusting that someone else would fix his problems for him.

Wanting to know if he would be missed. (The scar on his chest throbs, dully.)

Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid

He could've lain there forever, centuries and eons, waking to a world where he had already lost everything to the steadfast passing of time. Mauja was lonely in his deathlessness, and it had driven the icy wedge deeper into his heart.

So he isolated himself. Withdrew, into the confines of his own bitter mind, and watched the world go by as his body fought against the lacking Frostfall foliage in an attempt to wake the fuck up again. He felt cold and lethargic most of the time, and what grazing nature offered was but a bleak shadow of the spring's lush riches; each rib was still too prominent on his white frame, hips jutting out and his sides sunken. Winter fuzz aside, he was lackluster, dull, and matted, and his owls were no better. Mauja couldn't catch much for them, only on occasion being strong enough to throw his magic at some unsuspecting bird and felling it for them to eat—so they lived purely off of the starlight stubbornness they leeched from his soul, unable to die, and unable to start living again.

They slept. Diego was stuffed into the leather bag—which he wore only because it was a convenient place to store an owl, because even its slight weight was like a mountain weighing on him—but Irma sat stubbornly on his withers, claws painfully anchored in his scant flesh. She, unlike Diego, wasn't really asleep, but she wasn't really awake either. She just existed, and Mauja was too much of a stubborn social failure to figure out how to ask anybody for help—or even realize that someone could help him, much less want to.

He had disappeared. He didn't want to come back until he was restored, but it wasn't like they had paid any attention to that when they rescued him—of course they had taken him home ("home", such a strange, bitter word bounding in his skull—), and he had taken to lurking in such a way that they might as well have left him in the glacier for all that anyone knew. There was a word, "recovery", and he didn't have the slightest idea how to go about it, and never had, no matter how small the problem.

There were three possible explanations for what happened next:
1. His concentration was slipping,
2. His radar wasn't set to noticing Alysanne,
3. Alysanne was on his (subconscious) list of accepted ponies. Friend-ponies.

A potential fourth explanation was that he usually relied too much on his owls to steer him clear of others, and with them as they were.. well, it was only natural he'd wander into someone sooner or later, as he was actually walking (wow) on this fine, snowy winter's day.

Regardless of why, he found himself staring at a motionless Alysanne; he among the trees, she frozen in a clearing, green eyes tracking up between the falling snowflakes. She looked peaceful.

He said nothing.

[ Hello I am rusty. @Alysanne <3 ]

meet you somewhere between here and hope
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#3
For a moment, a quiet and blissfully ignorant moment, Alysanne didn’t realize she was no longer alone. She was being blinded by the pale sky and the snowflakes, lost in a world of white and grey as she tried to will the light to chase away the dark thoughts left behind by her nightmare, by the memories it dredged up. You might think that the memories of a demon attack, a vicious assault that had come out of nowhere, might make her a little more jumpy, a little more aware of her surroundings especially when someone approached, but that was not the case. She hadn’t learned her lesson yet and there was no telling when it would actually stick.

It was Hemlock who alerted her, a friendly reminder that she benefited from two sets of eyes instead of just one. While he hooted cautiously towards Irma as he swooped to land in the trees near where Mauja had paused. Although he had not yet experienced any sort of camaraderie or friendliness from his owls, he still felt incredibly curious about them.

Her small companion’s gentle hoot was Aly’s alert, dragging her from her thoughts and down towards the earth once again. She knew that sound so well, as familiar to her as the sound of the waves at the foot of the Edge’s cliffs and almost more familiar to her now than the sound of her children’s laughter.

Out of temporary self-preservation, her mind neatly glided over that observation and stored it to torture her later - likely the next time she was trying to sleep.

It took a moment for her eyes to refocus enough to realize who had arrived at the clearing - a silent moment for the shadows of the trees to stop being a single shade of deep blue and separating into greens, greys, and… ah, spots.

“Mauja.”

The word was coloured with warmth - no more, really, than she would give any who had wandered and been found again - and for a moment she let herself forget the awkwardness of their last meeting. She had been worried when days had stretched without a sight of him and more so when she had discovered that others had taken notice of his absence. Turned out, it took the disappearance of Mauja and others in the herd to get her and Tembovu to agree on something.

It was good to see him again, and her tone clearly suggested as much, but as her green eyes finally fully adjusted she picked out the signs that his time away from the Edge had not been peaceful. He seemed skinny - and she feared the full extent of how much weight he had lost was hidden beneath his winter coat. That open, friendly smile in her eyes faded, the joy at seeing him found temporarily dimmed by concern over his condition.

The snow did not stop falling around them - or, around her as she stood in the open and he was beneath the trees - but she forgot about it, taking a small step towards the spotted stallion before hesitating and instead letting her voice cross the distance between them. “How are you?” Were her next words, of course - she could be dead and buried and she would still find a way to speak those three words to someone she knew.  

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding


@Mauja
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#4
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
He didn't belong.

He was different. An outsider. Something strange and other, his heart beating out a different rhythm as he watched the rest of the world through glass—fogging it up with his breath, until he barely saw through it anymore. He didn't know what it was, just something he couldn't quite pin down, a truth he knew as truth because he felt it in his heart, but didn't know why.

And there was always that voice in the back of his mind, whispering is it something you do? How much of it was his fault, and how much of it just ..was?

The snow fell into the silence.

Something about the way she stood told him she didn't know that he was there, and he felt like an intruder. Trespassing on a private moment. Hesitantly, his ears angled back, but his opportunity to fade away before she noticed him was over before he had properly made up his mind. Hemlock landed on a branch near him, letting out a greeting he wasn't sure was meant for him or Irma; the latter didn't even react. She just remained firmly anchored to his withers, eyes dull slits.

His defense against the avalanche of guilt and shame was flimsy at best. He couldn't linger on her too long, or it would all fall apart, and for what good..? He would still be alone when it was over.

“Mauja,” she said, as if he wasn't a stranger.

What am I to you—

And just like that, it was painful, throat closing up and eyes burning. What was he to Alysanne? He knew the daughter better than the mother, though he hadn't seen her in a while (—ouch, another stab at the mind already unraveling), and—he just looked at her in silence, white breath pooling by his nose before dissipating. There was just that time by the Edge, her fragile confessions and his, almost cruelly so, sharp scrutiny.

And still she greeted him with warmth, like a friend, like—like—he didn't even know what, because he had always associated himself with those hard of heart and tongue. Bitterness and darkness had been his friends for so long, speaking through the mouths of those who had gathered around him.

“How are you?” He pressed his jaws together, as if it could hide him from the sincerity of her voice. Part of him wanted to answer I'm fine, brush it off like he wasn't still as dead as he could be, and part of him wanted to admit just how it was, because—well, there was that thing in his mind yelling that, this time, it was about him, and he had a right to admit how he was feeling.

But what would it solve? What would it do, except grind the shame further into him, like salt in already inflamed flesh? If he admitted it, here and now, it would be real. Remembered. And for all his running, for all his distance, Mauja had never known how to choose to be weak.

He was always trapped in the struggle between wanting to be one of the uniform mass, and wanting to shine the brightest. To be unacknowledged (until, maybe, after his death, but now that he wasn't dying, he was fucked), yet comforted for all the shit he had put himself through. And wasn't that the heart of it? That it was all his fault.

"Awful," he finally said, unapologetic, tone belying the word he spoke—a simple observation, as if it was nothing he wanted to neither expand on, nor answer questions about. Slowly, he blinked, wishing the world would just disappear before he opened his eyes again, but nope, it was still there, Alysanne hesitantly trapped in the clearing and him standing there on the edges, ready to flee at a moment's notice.

He felt compelled to speak again. To turn the attention from himself and onto safer ground—her. "And you?"

[ @Alysanne ]
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#5
Hemlock, not exactly experienced with owl-kind or possessing any sort of intuition, assumed that Irma was ignoring him again and puffed out his pale brown feathers in indignation. He was half of the mind to dive-bomb her and see if she noticed him then but instead he shuffled a little on his branch, dislodging some snow, and grumbled softly to himself, wondering if he should go in search of Sacre or Tandavi so he could play with their foxes instead. But he didn’t trust Mauja enough to leave Alysanne alone in his company, nor did he want to be far away from his bonded if she needed him.

The painted mare’s attention was on Mauja, watching for his answer to her question as much as she was listening for it, but his stance hardly gave away much. Really, she had not expected him to answer and if he did she had expected a brush-off. She waited patiently to see what would happen and it surprised her to hear him state rather simply and with a tone of finality that he was awful.

Surprise and concern darkened her gaze, wishing there was something she might do so that things would not be awful for him. She was running through her options, which were limited considering their lack of any sort of bond and her general lack of understanding anything about him, when he surprised her again by speaking - returning the question to her. Her green eyes widened and she felt a strong desire to run from that question.

If he had given her honesty, after all, how could she do anything less?

“Same.”

She answered his question, the word little more than a puff of air from her mouth - a whisper in the silent snow. But she didn’t have the courage to meet his eyes when she responded, angry with herself for admitting out loud that things were not all sunshine and roses. But it went deeper than that - as soon as she breathed that word she considered how inappropriate it was. What was her pain, all psychological and surely all her own fault, compared to Maujas? How could she possibly assume that what she was feeling was anything close to what he was? It was awful for her, yes, but on the grand scale of things it really wasn’t so bad. So what if she hadn’t been able to sleep? And when she was she was awakened by nightmares that fueled her doubts in the daylight? It wasn’t like she hadn’t found little pockets of happiness recently, especially on the days when her time was taken up with on of the Edge’s foals.

So maybe it wasn’t awful, she just knew the self she was now was more awful than what she had been before, but there was no way for her to snatch the word back up again.

She sighed quietly, distracting herself from her weakness by focusing on Mauja - her green gaze drifting back to him. She did not move toward him again but made a small gesture with her head, inviting him to exit the trees if he wished. Alysanne did not really expect him to get any closer, she would not be all that surprised if he turned around and left right now, but she welcomed the distraction that his company offered and maybe her company would offer some distraction for him as well.

Her voice came out a little stronger when she spoke again - of course, because she wasn’t talking about herself now - but it was still quiet. She wouldn’t be offended if he chose to pretend he didn’t hear her. Her green gaze even drifted upwards again, towards the snow again, as though Mauja-the-ghost might disappear if she looked at him too much. “You can talk to me about it, if you want.”

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding


@Mauja
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#6
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
“Same.”

Not Alysanne

But hadn't their chat on the edge of everything hinted as much? A mind wrapped up in her own peculiar blindfold... It had been in the little things, her self-doubt, calling herself a fool, the way she had reacted when he had flinched—mild as it had seemed at the time, had it been a symptom of this? Like something left to fester, to grow, until it blotted out the sun, to finally swallow it, and all became cold and dark, desolate. Bleak. Mauja's ears angled back again. He wasn't sure what to say. What to do anymore. Somehow, her admission was worse than his own; he could block out his own pain, but hers?

And come to think of it, what was she to him? When had she gone from barely-known Healer (and later on, Queen), to.. to someone he actually cared about? Was it because of Naerys? Or her defense of him when Raeden had swooped in on that conversation, so long ago..?

Was she a friend?

Even if she was, he didn't know what to say. Merely watched her in heavy silence, listening to the snowfall.

She motioned to him. He did nothing. He no longer wanted to run, and only because of that one word she had spoken. Instead, he wanted to fix her, but he had no idea how. “You can talk to me about it, if you want.” And for once, he actually considered the words, instead of just brushing past them in a manner that betrayed his uncertainty, should you but pay attention.

Did he want to talk about?

What was there to talk about, even? The cold seeping through his bones, the void expanding in his chest, the panic snapping at his mind, his hopelessness, fear for his owls, his ..apathy when faced with what should kill him, but no longer could?

But how do you take all of that, and put into words? How do you take all of that, and push it on someone else? The longer he remained in Helovia, the more it weighed on him, all the things he had lost, in a way he couldn't shake like he had done when he had left his life before.

His tail flicked behind him, but the movement was smaller and more sluggish than usual. The cold leeched away his energy, spreading from his hooves and up, back and down. He didn't even remember what it felt like to be truly warm.

And then—all of a sudden, he realized what he could—should—do. He could willfully misunderstand her words. He could turn it back on her, away from the roaring and howling in his mind, and the icy claws clutching at his heart. So, he abandoned his trees, still cloaked in silence, striding through the snow, but that edge was gone from his gait. No matter what he did, he just seemed.. off, somehow, but for a moment, he barely noticed it.

He stopped, too close to her for her to politely ignore, just a step or so away—and for once, he didn't feel afraid. There was no sick rush through his veins, no trembling. He just felt .. cold, as he leveled his gaze at her. "Yes." The word was quiet as it left his mouth, but not so quiet she could pretend to not have heard him. "I want to talk about you." His black-rimmed ears pricked forward, and he gave her a moment to let it sink in, before he went on, voice soft. "What's wrong, Alysanne?"
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#7
In the silence while she waited for Mauja to respond or leave, Alysanne remained where she was her gaze focused on the snow - counting the snowflakes as she tried her best not to stare at or will her would-be-friend to stay or go. He would make up his own mind eventually and it wasn’t as though she didn’t have the time to wait - the day was still very young.

Then, for the third time that day, Mauja surprised her.

Her periphery caught his movement but it wasn’t away - it was towards her. And not just a few steps, but right up to her - to the point where it’d be rude of her to ignore him. She watched him cautiously but curiously too as he approached, standing her ground and trying not to look too surprised at these actions. She was hopeful for a flicker of a moment when the quiet ‘yes’ exited his mouth, but it was chased not after his own problems - but questions about her.

While his ears pricked forwards, hers flicked backwards as she caught his words - as if angling them away would somehow make it impossible to hear his soft voice. Something that was almost a scowl (but softer) crossed her eyes at the same time, because while she had intended the conversation to be about him or non-existent, he wasn’t giving her that option. And she couldn’t believe that he really did want to talk about her - certain that it wouldn’t be a particularly interesting conversation.

But her mind couldn’t find a way to escape answering that wasn’t just turning and walking away so she was only left with the one option.

So her ears flicked forward again, the scowl disappeared, and she relaxed in Mauja’s presence. “I… I don’t even know if it makes any sense.” She lapsed into silence for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain what had been going on in her mind for the past, what, two years? There were a lot of things to sort out and it did not help that she stubbornly clung to injustices of the past, keeping those cuts open and bleeding so that they still aggravated her today. Well, selectively keeping some of those wounds open - she had held a grudge for a while against the one who stood with her now, after all, and now she only wished to be his friend. It was hard to hate someone after you had seen what their skin looked like when most of it had been burned away.

Alysanne didn’t understand exactly why she was entertaining the notion of explaining to Mauja what was wrong - likely, it was a combination of things. She wasn’t about to shy away from him and scorn the first act of friendship he had displayed toward her, it was too delicate of a gift. She also considered that it might be beneficial for him to focus on something else other than his own pain for a time and while she didn’t relish the idea of digging into her own, the chance that it might help him was enough.

As he had pointed out when they had spoke on the cliffs, she did wish to suffer on behalf of others, right? If she suffered for them, it might fix her - it might put her little problems into a light that showed her they were insignificant. She might return to the mare she used to be. Might, might, might. But it was a chance she wanted to take.

Then the words started tumbling out in a quiet voice, because he was close by and because the snowy morning seemed to demand whispers from her.

“Do you ever miss who you used to be?” Alysanne didn’t, of course, know anything about who Mauja was before the day he showed up and became ‘Queen’ in the Edge, but she meant it generally and almost rhetorically (though she couldn’t deny that she was curious about him). “I feel like I’m not much as slipping away from who I was, but being swept away in a maelstrom that is sucking me into somewhere, someone I did not intend to be. It started with anger, an emotion still relatively knew to me, and while I still haven’t figured out how to vent the anger so it does not choke me, I’ve at least been talked out of guilt for feeling it in the first place.” She frowned slightly, still trying to work out her thoughts, her gaze steady and soft on him.

“And now… I just never thought I’d be the sort of herd mate that would cause fights upon ascending to the throne.” Nyx had apologized, it was true, and she actually found that she adored the silver mare when she was not shouting against her but it had still happened. “I never thought I’d be the cause of a challenge between two herd lands, potentially affecting an alliance that’s been peaceful for years, or that members of this herd would show disgust and hatred because I don’t believe violence should be the way we solve problems.” Her tail flicked angrily behind her and she shuffled her wings as she let the memories of those days come at her again. Alune and Tilney’s words and actions still bothered her greatly, and she did not know what she could do about it. They were both friendly with Tembovu, she wondered if he would even believe her if she tried to raise questions about them. He was in the vicinity when they had shared angry words with Iona and Raeden, true, but he had been a little preoccupied with the Czarina he was battling with.

Another soft sigh and she willed herself to think about anything else so that she wouldn’t stomp and make herself look foolish with anger. “When I arrived in Helovia, I thought I’d be a healer, grow old and fat surrounded with children sired by the friends I made, a family, and be happy until the day I died.” That was all she had ever wanted - to live in peace. “Now I’m lucky if I see Naerys every few seasons, or her brother every few years. I have no healing powers, just my knowledge of herbs, which isn't really helpful at all when there's magic that can do the job faster. I’m just a Queen in a herd that vastly prefers their King…” Her voice cut off there, abruptly, and her green eyes darted away from his face. Anything that might have followed that line of thought could not have been charitable towards Tembovu and she was aware that the two stallions were friends (even after everything), and more aware that the Elephant King had been willing to accept a challenge on her behalf. It was a poor repayment for her to speak ill of him. Better to wait another week or so before she did that.

So she shook her head, dismissing those thoughts and that subject, and shrugged slightly with her wings as she brought her green eyes back to Mauja. “That probably doesn’t even sound like much it’s just… I don’t know. I miss what I used to be and have been wondering if there's anyway to go back, or if she's lost.”

And then finally she lapsed into silence, wondering if he might regret asking her that simple ‘what’s wrong’ and being greeted with a lot of nonsense.


If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#8
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
Who was he to ask for her secrets?

Mauja was a dragon in his own right, hoarding secrets like gold, hiding every facet of his soul deep within—and it wasn't so much physical secrets like little tidbits about himself, his heart, his mind. Somehow, it was less daunting to tell someone he had killed countless of others, helpless victims sentenced to death for nothing, than it was to think of telling someone that he really, really, really liked yellow.

—one was a fact, a piece of a bloodbath past, the other was personal. And Mauja, well, I think we all know by now, that Mauja doesn't exist. Mauja doesn't consider himself to exist, beyond the need of the moment and the all-too-real flesh of his body. To share the little things, what he likes, what brightens his days when he lets them, to speak of it is unthinkable

So, really, who was he to turn her question back upon her, ask to do that which was so unthinkable to him? He should be perfect—emotionless, always able, capable, no fuss. Quick and clean and sterile.

“I… I don’t even know if it makes any sense.” It was a feeble defense, but Mauja said nothing. Trust me, it does, he wanted to say—because, after she admitted to her own less-than-perfect state of mind, she hadn't said anything but that offer, so, he had simply decided it had pertained to what she had said. But still, he didn't want to argue about it, mainly because he felt like it was too juicy a distraction for her to ignore. If they could argue grammar and meaning and semantics, she could turn away from the question he had asked.

And thus, he was silent, watching her wage a war in silence, and wondering what the fuck he was doing.

But when she spoke, it hit far too close to home, and turned his head away. (He doesn't want her to see, that look in his eyes—)

Mesec's voice echoed in his head, the answer he wished to, bitterly, speak to her rhetorical question, as Mesec had Mauja's; every day. Every. Fucking. Day.

The Frostheart had been all those things Mauja had wanted to be: cunning, intimidating, uncomplicated. Merciless and calculating. Cold, cold, cold like his name, an organ frostbitten and dead, a soul steeped in blood and fine with it. But then.. but then Sparkplug had thrown him in a delta of time streams, he had realized he was in love with a hybrid mare, and he had come back a broken, depressed creature who had never really snapped out of it.

Then everything else had happened. And now he stood next to a Pegasus, genuinely concerned about her, completely fine with helping to (when he wasn't busy falling into glaciers) run a mixed species herd with a striking lack of plans for world domination.

Like, what the actual fuck. How had that happened?

And where was that glacial, pristine warrior, the disciplined soldier who could make his way through a spar without either trying to kill his opponent, or chanting I'm sorry over and over in his head while he took a beating?

His blue eyes remained on the forest, her words washing over him like salt on a whipped skin; snow fell in apologetic silence, blanketing trees and bushes and horses alike, and Mauja the Dragon wanted to just wander off into the trees and forget all about this morning. For what could he say, without drawing a parallel to himself? “That probably doesn’t even sound like much it’s just… I don’t know. I miss what I used to be and have been wondering if there's anyway to go back, or if she's lost.”

If it's not much, then I'm not much, either, he thought, dully, into the silence. His past five years had seemed to revolve around the same dilemma—who have I become, and how do I go back to being who I was?

".. if you find her," he finally said, talking to the trees, his voice a quiet hush in a cloud of white, "tell her to send the Frostheart my way."

But even as he said it, he wasn't sure if he meant it—could he go back to being what he had been? He craved the structure he had once lived by, needed the slow, insidious scheming to feel alive, but could he do it? Could he take all of it back, return to being racist, narrow-minded, and selfish? To not take heed of anyone but his own brethren? And even that had only worked for so long, before Ophelia had come along, dredging long lost parts of him up to the surface.

He sighed, and closed his eyes. Pressed them together, a frown growing on his face. The cold seeping through his skin was nothing compared to the chill spreading within.

"Alysanne," he said after a moment, still staring at the backside of his eyelids, seizing onto the only solid thing. Her name was an anchor to his drifting mind. "What happened? A challenge between two herds..?"
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#9
Alysanne did not get much of a response out of Mauja, but what had she expected? In a strange way it felt good to actually put words to how she had been feeling lately though it did not make any of her worries or doubts or anger disappear. Feeling uncomfortable watching him while he watched the trees, eventually her eyes drifted away as well, her head turning to the snow and the pines that surrounded them.

When he did speak, about the mare Alysanne had lost, his voice quiet in the flurried air and drawing her gaze back to him. It would seem that Alysanne wasn’t the only one who had lost someone she was. “Frostheart.” She repeated the name quietly and cautiously to herself, as though speaking it might burn her tongue, rolling it over and considering it - comparing it to the Frozen Light she knew. It spoke of darkness and a chill that went right to his organs. She hardly knew him to be warm but she did not think she’d go so far as to claim he had a frozen heart. How much, then, had Mauja changed since he had been called such a thing?

Before she could ask, use this chance to learn more about him as she exposed her thoughts, his voice saying her name interrupted the silence they had lapsed into - encouraging her green eyes to find his face if only to see that his eyes were closed. She would have answered any question he had posed to her then, the spotted stallion had already unceremoniously become a knower of her secrets what was a little more.

But the one he asked her was still fresh and there was no difficulty in answer it - it was a business question, not really a personal one. She hesitated, feeling like this was not the morning to lie or gloss over anything, tilting her head upwards once more to feel the plump flakes of snow on her face. “Ah. Well, one of the Falls’ Czarinas came to speak to me because the bag that I had been given from one of our sleuths was allegedly stolen from someone in her herd. She demanded it be returned.” With time and a clearer mind, Alysanne knew the first thing she should have done was ask for proof that the bag had belonged to Cowboy instead of immediately jump to the defensive. Someone could have just as easily laid claim to the halter she wore or any one of the other items. “We argued, I couldn’t believe how stupid and insignificant she made me feel as though I was lesser, as though the Edge was lesser...” Alysanne ruffled her wings, casting off the snow that had gathered there, but cut herself off from ranting about that right now because she really did not want to relieve those two days more than was strictly necessary. “Anyway, she decided the only acceptable solution was to challenge me for the rights of the bag. I don’t know if you’re aware, but I’m not exactly the warrior queen type - I’ve never thought violence should be the first action unless absolutely necessary. The next day, Tembovu answered the call for her challenge on my behalf. Many members of the Edge showed up as did members of the Falls so it wasn’t just some quick, easy solution like I was hoping for.” Alysanne scowled, to herself more than anything, distressed by how that entire situation had escalated out of her control. Whether or not it was entirely her fault or her fault and Isopia’s, suddenly it wasn’t just between them it was between both herds.

Ranjiri had expressed her hopes that the fight wouldn’t affect the relationship between the herds and Alysanne agreed. She did not want it to but sweeping the entire situation under the rug and forgetting it ever happened wasn’t possible either.

After a soft sigh of her own, she finished the story simply. “He won.” Because that was where that story had ended for now. They were still waiting to see what happened next. She stopped watching the dancing snowflakes then, and returned to watching Mauja - curious, as always, about his reaction... or if he would have one at all.

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#10
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
Frostheart.

He had hated the title, but suddenly he found himself missing it—because what was he, if not the Frostheart? Who was he, if not the Frostheart? It didn't matter how he had changed, how he had become nicer (even though that was questionable; just look at what he had said to poor Tilney), because he still was what he was, and always had been: a creature of the frozen north, with ice in his heart, in his veins. Where the hell had "frozen light" come from?

But maybe he didn't deserve the name Frostheart anymore; maybe it was a stranger's name, as Alysanne whispered it into the snowfall. It didn't sound like someone she knew.

He kept his eyes closed, and she began to tell the tale of Isopia and the Bags.

This is so stupid he thought to himself. So, so stupid. Part of him—a small, cold part—was angry that someone had probably insulted Alysanne, and part of him wanted to just scream in frustration. Helovia had no law but that of violence, regardless of what everyone said and preached and claimed was morally right. If you couldn't beat the shit out of people, no one would care, and no one would enforce your pretty words.

“He won.” "Good," Mauja said before he knew it, a note of bitter rage snaking through his voice as his eyes snapped open. "I don't know what's wrong with Helovia, but it's like the land is sick. Just, all this crap—" He waved with his nose at the bags, and the unconscious Diego stuffed into it. "—everyone has, and I find myself in possession of, too. People taking it left and right, and I didn't put a stop to it either—it's even possible this is my fault, depending on when it happened.

"Don't we even call it 'theft'? Stealing? Like how we used to take prisoner, to shift the odds in our favor before a battle, or keep the sentries up all night, on edge—"
His head had been pulled up higher, and had he had any kind of hackles, they would've been raised. He was practically bristling. "There's no law in this land. There's nothing but violence. I can't pass judgment on this without us deciding whether or not it is inherently wrong to take from others." And then it was the thing of cause—was it right to take the sword from an enemy? Was it right to take from those who didn't lack? He looked away again, at the forest. Did he need the bags strapped around his narrow chest?

No. But they were the only thing he had left of d'Artagnan, and some childish part of him kept insisting that he'd better damn still have them when the Red came back.

He's not coming back, Mauja.

"I should just burn this fucking place down," he whispered, hoarsely.
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#11
Alysanne waited for Mauja to tell her that she was an idiot, that she had handled the situation all wrong, but his frustration didn’t seem to lie with her… or not directly. It was more of a frustration with Helovia in general from what she could tell - and of course he was right. It was theft, what Raeden had done, but it hadn’t seemed quite so simple. She opened her mouth to argue with his brief statement that it might have been his fault - there might be a few who could take blame for this situation but it was not Mauja - but he continued before she could and she did closed her mouth again, unwilling to interrupt.

For a brief moment, Alysanne realized that she was actually glad to have evoked such a strong response from Mauja - but that moment was chased quickly with guilt. She hated anger and did not wish to see its magma-hot grip take hold of anyone. She felt unsure whether she should move away, whether she’d only annoy and anger him more by standing here and talking. But when had Alysanne ever run? She’d stay for as long as he would tolerate her. She’d stay and she would try to put out the fire she had helped start.

"I should just burn this fucking place down,"

It was not his harsh language that caused her to flinch away from this hoarse whisper (she had grown up with Iona after all) but the images that were conjured. Her green eyes slide close, attempting to shut out those images... but of course it doesn’t work. It was easier to focus on the images without the distraction of the snow, of Mauja’s body close to hers. She didn’t know if he meant it how she is imagining it - all of Helovia bursting into flame and bringing every mare, stallion, and foal down with it - but her imagination ran wild with the very suggestion. It was the stuff of her nightmares. Alysanne unwillingly remembered her dream from earlier this very morning - of Iona wreathed in flame and burning with it - and her words come out as a hoarse croak. “I wish you wouldn’t.” It did not matter if he had been serious or not (though, really, she did not know Mauja to make jokes).

Once, she had always imagined it was Tembovu who would burn down the world and even now her mind is loath to replace him with Mauja.

A frown darkened her eyes when she opened them again to seek out his face, studying him carefully when she found her voice again to whisper. “Surely it is not all worth burning down?”

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#12
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
It poured out of him, an avalanche of poison and bitterness, of hurt and longing and unrequited love; he said nothing of Ophelia, nothing of Kahlua, nothing of Tembovu, nothing of d'Artagnan.

Nothing of anyone he had ever loved, of Isir, the blow to have shattered his fragile glass soul, and the memories the scent of blood and winter brought him. He only said that he wanted to set the world on fire, reduce it to the rubble their morals was, turn it into a mirror of their souls; a wasteland. A place where nothing could grow, where nothing could bloom.

A place where nothing could dream.

But that one sentence, a hoarse whisper from a wounded soul, held all of these things, a dangerous compound of love and fear. Dry eyes, burning from within with all the things awoken but held back, stared at Alysanne in a way that was not normal, or courteous, or anything within the standard ramifications of social interaction: it was hungry and violent, as if his very gaze could strip the flesh from her bones and dig up the secrets buried in her heart.

He didn't mean to, to be the infernal demon in the gentle snowfall, his wild eyes betraying what had been unleashed but he tried to tame; he didn't mean to, but he still did, gaze burning.

And he hadn't meant to bring her down with him, either.

She flinched; he flinched, within, limbs frozen and rooted to the ground as he struggled against himself. He wanted to scream, to let it all out in a violent explosion of phoenixes, to drain his heart with spikes of ice punching out of the deceptive snow-cover—but he didn't. The frustration had two heads, one snapping at Alysanne that she should not be so afraid of the things which kill us, and the other snapped at himself, saying look at what you did to her. If a single sentence, breathed with all the fury and hopelessness wrought from pain, could bring out such a reaction in her..

He could destroy her.

He dragged in a deep breath, shamed by her closed eyes and the croak creeping out of her mouth, distorted by what he could only guess was some kind of fear. It burned almost as hot as the pain itself, scorching the inside of his skin, blackening soul and bones as he looked aside, mouth a thin line. "I'm sorry," he said, but his voice was cruel and hard, biting down on everything he wanted to do, even as his teeth bit his tongue and blood formed like a wet shadow on his black lips.

“Surely it is not all worth burning down?” He kept looking away from her, staring at the trees as if they could somehow give him some kind of answer, or even a voice to speak it with. If all Helovia carried a sickness, didn't all of it need to be purged?

But if everyone died, and every terrain marker laid to waste, how would anyone be able to come back? And find him, lord of nothing but ash and deserts made from pulverized bones?

"No," he said, voice clipped, still hard as the glacier ice. "But one pain can obscure another, and sometimes, the line between agony and insanity is very thin."
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#13
His apology was harsh and cold and she didn't believe it for a minute. He wasn't sorry - he wouldn't stop burning the world because she asked him. That was what she heard in his voice when he said he was sorry, she felt that hard edge like a slice in her skin - like a promise of further pain.

Unless she could fix it.

His hard voice, when it came again, should be a warning for her not to push it, for her to stay silent, but Alysanne wasn't one to take warnings. - was she? She had proven it enough times. She’d push because she wanted to ease that hard edge out of his voice, out of his body. She wanted to help him discover something that wasn't agony and insanity. It had to be there, buried deep beneath the fire and the ice right? Maybe he just needed her help to find it.

There was always hope in her for others, even if she had none for herself. She clung onto the idea that helping others might somehow fix her in the process.

The line between agony and insanity is very thin were his words to her, cold as the Frostfall air they carved deeper into her skin and made their mark. She didn’t flinch away, though. Once she wouldn’t have understood, once she might have laughed off such an idea as being impossible, but now she knew. Her gaze drifted from him and to the snow and the trees once more, though she was only not looking at him because he wasn’t looking at her and she didn’t want it to be awkward. “I’ve noticed.” But after a breath, she was quick to add - “In myself, not you.” - tilting a small, humourless smile towards him and bringing her gaze back with it. Alysanne was still learning about Mauja, she did not know enough to say “yeah you really are crazy aren't you?”. What she did think was maybe this was someone who understood the turmoil that had been consuming her. Someone who probably had it worse. What were Alysanne’s problems compared to anyone else’s, after all?

She did not know what was going on with him but she knew what was happening with herself. How she had been fraying and crumbling, a piece of herself getting chipped away with every new conversation, every new day. How becoming queen had actually, strangely, helped because she did not have the luxury of falling apart. She had told Tembovu once that because he was King he could not afford to do such things and she would be damned if she held herself to any lesser standard. She had been taped back together again and though she was not fixed, she was an Aly-shaped shadow. She was close to what she had been and, sometimes, the fractures were held together so well that she could pretend they weren't there at all.

And she hated the mere idea that anyone might be enduring something similar to what she was. Mauja, surely, deserved better than this slow decay.

A soft sigh escaped her but she found no magical words that would somehow make everything better for him. There was nothing.

Without any verbal response ready, Alysanne reached out in her favoured way - through touch, through physical connection. Conveniently forgetting the edge in his tone, the coldness in his expression that may very well latch on and bite her for this motion. Even if it was just a dark muzzle aimed for a spotted shoulder, it was all she had. A wordless attempt at comfort through a gentle caress… if he accepted it.

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries
Ascended Helovian

Mauja the Frozen Light Posts: 1,392
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2 :: 14 HP: 79.5 | Buff: HUNTER
Irma :: Snowy Owl :: Terrorize & Diego :: Eurasian Eagle-Owl :: Rage Neo
#14
Art by Neverr ♥
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
It grated in his throat, all the things he could say, things he—maybe—wanted to say. They were like hot flames licking up his windpipe, acrid and bitter, a taste of death in the back of his mouth—and just as silent. Biting words, biting teeth, cruel and merciless; they echoed in his mind.

Perhaps it had been some kind of misguided masochism which had driven him to sometimes utter them in the past, sharp blades so different in their intent from the irritated words thrown at his herd members these days—blades meant to hurt those he loved, so he could watch the pain carve its way deeper, deeper, deeper, and know that he had caused it. And that knowledge was a deeper, more intimate form of agony, like burning without fire (—he knows that one well). The connection shared and severed amplified the pain.

Older now, maybe wiser, Mauja stilled his tongue. He bade his blood-slick lips to not sneer, forced the words, with all their scathing scrutiny, back down into his lungs.

He did not need to lash out each time someone came a little too close.

He did not need to make everything about him.

Wasn't that what he had tried to do, anyway? Make it about her, for it was easier than to make it about him? (Because when it's about him, it always ends like this—) And yet, there they were, Mauja's eyes full of dry fire and his lungs full of unspoken, cruel words; he breathed in through tight nostrils, his world black and full of stark silver edges. It tasted of adrenaline.

“I’ve noticed. In myself, not you.” His jaws clenched as he stared daggers at the forest. Perhaps, in sharing, there was something to be had. In speaking of himself, doors could open—but he wasn't sure. He didn't know enough about her, because she did not speak very freely of herself. What little she had given was not enough.

Always his weakness, his need to know, to have the truth of all sides before judging. Only for so long does a blindfold last when you know it is constructed out of nothing but arrogance. And now he found that he could not judge her properly, could not say, do not put such little value in yourself, because he had but pieces of the truth.

Her dark muzzle moved on the edges of his vision, and, detached, his head turned to watch it. It descended like something sinister to his warped mind, a soft, at first fragile, touch to the too-hard plane of his shoulder; he stared it, as if uncertain what he was seeing, what he was feeling.

It felt absurd. His mind began to form the words you are touching me but they never made it to his tongue. He swallowed them, too, and stared out into the snowfall again.

He didn't know what to do.
angels, they fell first, but I'm still here

Alysanne the Devoted Posts: 641
World's Edge Queen atk: 7 | def: 10 | dam: 3.5
Mare :: Pegasus :: 16 hh :: 11 years HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
Hemlock :: Flammulated Owl :: Heal & Cypress :: Great Horned Owl :: None Sarah
#15
In some ways, the complete non-reaction that her touch earned was worse than how he had jumped away from her last time. Alysanne wanted him to move into the touch, to accept it instead of tolerate it, but he didn’t. He watched her as she moved - while she was watching him for any signs of refusal - and then he simply looked away. That was it. She thought about testing it, about letting her dark muzzle trail from one spot to the next to see if it would provoke some sort of reaction, but of course she would never actually act on those thoughts no matter how lonely she might be.

Alysanne withdrew immediately, considered apologizing but couldn’t find enough of a voice to put together the syllables. So she looked away again, falling back into what seemed to be their natural state today - looking somewhere other than each other. She might have even left then, but he was the one who had approached her - if he was uncomfortable with her actual presence, surely he could force his legs to move and leave.

She wasn’t entirely sure her own would work right then. They needed more time.

For a while, she stood there in the silence - finding it both comfortable and uncomfortable all at once. Her green eyes tried to follow the path of various snowflakes as they fell from the sky but she always lost them in the flurry. She remembered hearing from someone that each snowflake was different, billions of unique patterns falling from the sky, but from here they all looked the same to her.

On any other morning, she wouldn’t have really minded just standing there in silence, together but very much not. She would have actually enjoyed the peace, the near-silent sound of his breathing nearby reminding her that she wasn’t alone while her eyes looked anywhere but to him. But not this morning. It quickly became too uncomfortable - the silence gave too much room for her thoughts to roam and she did not want to get lost in them today. She wanted to stay present and whole, not just pretend that she was those things.

So she spoke again, breaking it with the softest of whispers and the first thing that came into her head while continuing to watch the snow, while it continued to gather on her - turning her slowly to one solid colour instead of a patchwork. “I met your daughter.”  Alysanne forced herself to not look at him, curious as she was about what his reaction to this subject would be. It was a completely new direction from where they had been a few moments ago, but was the conversation that had sparked this strange companionship today not buried beneath the snow by now?

“Glacia.” She clarified after a moment because she didn’t know how many daughters Mauja had. What knowledge she did have of his family felt stolen - gathered bits from Naerys (who told her one of his daughters had died) and Glacia (who had been the one to state their relation). Nothing from him expressly.
If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins
I gave it all,
I'll give again.

image | coding


@Mauja <3
please tag Alysanne in replies
[Image: alysanne_by_schwartze-d89se15.png]
made by the lovely tamme
non-life threatening physical force is allowed at all times, but preference is to be checked with beforehand for any injuries


Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture