Amara

and let me kick you off a bungee

It was sickening, it was cruel and tragic and it was perfect - it was as though we were meant to be someone's entertainment, some sick drama to jerk tears and summon aches in the heart, to leave them screaming at the screen and begging for a different outcome. But they are not as attached as they want to believe, they are distant, only observers to the reality that strikes me down unexpectedly, that rips everything from my grasp and leaves me heaving, that crushes my lungs and summons phantom tears to my hollow eyes.

And I'm standing here, standing watching the burning figure of my mother, the blank face that catches my eye from afar, the way her body stiffens, the way Sameira sits so patiently, so calmly despite my mother's daring stance at the edge. Below her is bubbling, burning, a hungry abyss of heat that crashes over me in waves, something that beckons and begs for the body of my mother, that whispers sweet somethings into her ears and eases her closer. I'm explosive then, bursting forward, crawling towards her hunched figure and letting out desperate howls, mangling the words that spill from my throat because I don't need to see to know what expression lies on her face, what the object of her focus is. Her gaze is engulfed by the temptation of the end, the final stretch that has her sprinting full force, reaching, clawing on her hands and knees - she is dead set, she is unmovable and stubborn, cold marble against the whipping winds of reality, facing storm after storm with not a single drop of sunshine. It's a gradual decision, something she has come to find through searching, through my abandonment, through my refusal of her apology.

In light of the situation, I felt worthless, I felt useless, the hopelessness was suffocating and awful, it was destructive and hungry and I was a victim, my mother was a victim, and together we were insufferable assholes, selfish and catastrophic - we were the result of too much pain, of sorrow and despair, of trials that broke the soul, that left the mind tattered and left us doubtful of our own thoughts and feelings. We were full of too much emotion, we were dangerous disasters caught in rugged vessels, cracked and trembling, we were unstable and the same. I hated to admit it, to recognize that we were far too similar than I would've liked, than either of us were willing to acknowledge.

She lowers her head, drops it and I can hear the air escaping her lungs as she too falls apart, falling in pieces the same way the world does. She is contemplating the reality of her decision, full of doubt and acceptance all at the same time, stubborn and refusing to back down because she is selfish, we are selfish and we are rooted so strongly in what we want, neither of us are willing to admit that we are wrong, that we are in the wrong. She is silent for a long time, her presence is lingering, fading, as if she has already died and I simply stand with the husk of an existence, the container of a soul I'd disrespected and tarnished, a soul who had tarnished me - it burns against my temples, it stirs and claws at my insides, it chokes and tears and completely ruins me, and I am silent and all too loud, I am a mess, a panic as I look to her, as I lean into her.

It is hesitant, but it is genuine. The feeling of her leaning into me, of her supporting my weight, of taking the brunt of our emotion, of the estranged affection that neither of us are so familiar with. We are sobbing together now, in unison, because without words we still know what must happen, we know our wrongs and we know there is only one outcome to the ending. I fall into her, I bury my face into the crook of her wing and I let my mouth gape as I heave, as she presses her head against the side of my neck and we share an exchange of ugly crying, we share a silent moment of acceptance - whether it's us accepting one another, finally finding the courage to accept that we are blood, that despite how much neither of us could accept, we were blood and we were too much the same. Or perhaps it was an understanding, common ground shared between child and mother, an unspoken knowledge that there was no longer going to be anything beyond this, that after this moment it would cease, and I would be completely alone all over again.

She is nudging her shoulder, prompting me to move my head and I can feel her eyes boring into my scars, breathing in sharply as she takes in the damage she has dealt, the source of a lot of my pain, the reason I am the way I am. She is hesitant, reaching forward unexpectedly and kissing the brow above my wounds, she is promising happiness and searching for forgiveness where there is none, where there wasn't supposed to be any - with a ginger kiss from the same lips that left these scars, I am astonished, overwhelmed and breaking down, sputtering and gagging and crushed. I'm suffocating on my sorrows and begging suddenly, pleading because I have realized too late that I love her, that she is my mother and even though she was the reason for everything that hurt in my life, the source of my suffering. And I wept, I was a newborn again, seeing the brief flicker of sunlight and the wind rustled leaves, the cloudy blue sky and the face of my mother - she was scared, she was angry, she was happy.

"Kérem, kérem, do you have to? Are you so sure? Can't you stay just a little longer?" It's pathetic, between gross sobs and my shuddering, the quiver of my lips and the way she just shakes her head, as though the answer was already there, I knew it, but I couldn't accept it. I didn't want to. I'd discarded her so selfishly, and now I was coming back to her, ready to beg for forgiveness if it gave me just a moment more with her. "No, mein klein, it is over for me. It is over for this life, it has gone on too long. And this land, it's dying, it has no life left to give, but I cannot leave it. This is where I was born, where I suffered, where I lost and fell apart, this is where I will die. Helovia is all I will know, and that is okay, because anywhere beyond here is not a place I want to be, because I will have nothing. Go, go and be better than I ever was, do something with yourself, be greater than I was, greater than your sorrows and your losses, you are not just your flaws, mein bereue. Do not do as I have done, and waste away while the world around you goes on. Do not let this loss determine who you will be forever, please." She is calm, put together, she is too collected for a woman who has never been very good at keeping her cool, at playing it casual. She is not a blubbering mess of regret, she is not insecure and forgetful, doubting her capabilities and downplaying herself. She is pride, she is confidence and a glamour that comes only minutes before defeat, before the final moments before nothing.

Her large, slender wing raises, beckoning Sameira over with a slow, haphazard swipe of the appendage. Sameira stoops her head to the ground and then sinks back, giving us space as though being too close would pull her into the same destruction storm encircling momma and I. She turns to me, solemn and still, faded as she reaches for the same patch of ground Sameira had - there must be something there, something slightly cooler than the warm earth beneath us, she is taking my short mane, weaving the object into it and letting it thump against my neck. I can feel its long, slender shape arc inward, prodding my throat with a sharp end, cool and comforting as it rests against my body. "My mother, she died to bring me into this world, she loved me even if I was the reason she was perishing, I like to believe that she was a strong woman, a kind woman,
but I will never truly know." She returns to that spot, she weaves something more into my hair, closer to the withers, a warmer object, smooth and rough all the same, with pieces of cool glass pressed against my skin. "Seele, she was my guiding light through life, she was what made it just a little better, I was special to her, I loved her - but this world is cruel, and she was taken away from me, she sacrificed herself to keep me safe. She was devoted, she was just, she wanted more for us than the world had to offer. I wish she was still here, that she could see you, see me. Mein klein, she would call me - mein klein, I want to call you. But it's not possible, and I'm so sorry." She weaves something more into my tail, and then she is crying again, and she is telling me goodbye, she is at her end and I am only just beginning. I am clinging and praying she'll change her mind, but she doesn't.

She rises more, straightens and a kiss lands on my brow, and I'm sobbing into her touch and wishing she would stay. She is ghosting over the earth, hooves delicate and barely a whisper as she brings herself to the edge now, as she casts a smile I cannot see and one hoof is up in the air, hovering over the Heart's greedy grasp. "Goodbye, mein klein, Valdís, the Damned, my daughter." And then she's slipping, plummeting with grace and serenity, she is calm as she lets the earth fall away beneath her, as she drops and suddenly her body is gone, she is gone, she is burning away somewhere in the Heart where all I see is blaring red.

I scream, I drop to my knees and I let out a pitiful, thunderous wail that swallows the world and crushes me, I am throwing myself onto the ground and I am suffering, I am broken and trapped beneath my sorrows. It is inescapable, the grief is consuming me and all I can do is scream, because she is gone - "Sajnálom, sajnálom, sajnálom! Szeretlek!" Sameira is nudging my side weakly, crumbling into my embrace like a weak pup seeking solace in its mother, head falling to the ground as I wail into her fur, as her final breath comes and goes and suddenly she's gone, cold and stiff and she's just a body, and I can't bring myself to move because she's what I have left of momma, she's the last of momma in my embrace - and suddenly I'm completely alone, weeping into the dirt.