the Rift


Heartbeats like a Drum. [Aryel]

Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#1
 Kri</style>

Not all soldiers in the Throat were prepared for battle, and I, being the head of our growing family, felt the responsibility of their training sitting as heavily on my shoulders as it did our loyal Generals. Heavy were my hooves as they beat the red earth of the Throat, bringing me away from the Oasis and into the red, open wounds of the earth. The desert unrolled like a blanket drenched in blood, a scene where the addition of more of the crimson liquid would likely go unnoticed. However, there would be no reason to pour blood so violently in such a spar.

Though my face might hold a gruff seriousness in times of politics or other mundane interactions, the grimace was released into a joyous grin. Yes, the rugged exterior of my features contorted int oa smile that was rarely seen upon my features in idle chit-chat, but the drums of battle easily pulled from my heart. How many years ago had I had my own first training spar? I had been little over two years old then, a scrawny little imp of a mare. I remember my brethren laughing at my feeble attempts to injure my mentors, my kicks unskilled and my strategy far worse. However, one should never underestimate the ferocity of determination.

A stubborn bitch, where my height would not move my muscles expanded from hard work and training. I became stocky like a male, with a hot tongue and flailing blonde mane that twirled with the wind at each attack. It was not long before I had bested many in strength, but strategy was another story. Many times my ass collided with the earth as I was beaten into submission by better tactics though I held the upper hand in strength. Many hard lessons of eating dirt and walking away with a bloodied nose, not because of any attack from my opponent, but because of my own foolishness and lack of superior balance. Time and practice had honed my skills in that arena, but each opponent was a new, exciting challenge.

Each battle was different. Each one wrought some lesson you need learn to win.

"Aryel," I call over my shoulder, looking at the younger mare with a friendly smile on the masculine face many came to know as their Sultana. "As this is a practice spar, I will do little to harm you, and you are expected of the same. Your allies are not to be treated as punching bags for strength training - that is the role of some unfortunate tree. Do you understand?"



[ 3 posts each, no magic or companions.
I know this is an IC training spar, but would you also like me to do OOC tips and critiques? c: ]




Aryel Posts: 229
Dragon's Throat Soldier
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.4 :: 4
FennecFyre
#2

Aryel (December)
"Wait...what the--"





(That would be great ^^)

Aryel had followed the Sultana across the reddish sand, taking a moment to admire the streaks of red minerals that rippled the sands. At least, she hoped it was minerals. Either way, it was a perfect place to spar.

Her ears went up as Kri spoke, nodding as she cautioned her not to be overly violent. Made sense, since this was just for practice there was no need to beat eachother up. Still, she wasn't sure how much damage she would really be able to do to Kri. She may have been smaller, but she was no doubt stronger, having the muscle build of a true fighter, instead of a leaner mustang body like Aryel's. She bit back a snigger as Kri suggested using a tree if she felt the need to damage something. "Yes ma'am, I understand. Shall we start?" she said with a nod. With that, the spar began. Aryel tucked her wings in close, feeling flaring them now would just be opening them to attack, and lowered her head. She circled the brown mare, facing her at an angle, looking for a good spot to attack.

Suddenly, she pushed off at a gallop, charging Kri and darting her head forward to attempt a nip at her shoulder, then jumping back to avoid a counterstrike, although reversing direction suddenly had left her slightly off-balance and she was a little slow in her evading attempt. She tried to cover it by lashing out with her front hooves to protect herself. It wasn't usually her way to dodge and weave, she was more the type to throw herself into a fight and hang the consequences.

Defenses: Wings tucked, head lowered, attempting to evade a counterstrike

Attacks: Bite aimed at where Kri's neck meets her shoulder, front hooves
kicked out to try and compensate for her slightly shabby dodge.

Wounds: None

1/3 (?)

"blah blah blah."


"WHAT IS THIS GYPSY MAGIC SH*T?!"



Thanks for the good times, and no hard feelings for the bad times.

Vicer and Aryel's new threads never happened.


Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#3
 Kri</style>

I am glad the humor rests on her face as I speak, even if my words were very serious in fact. The eager young mare speaks the words of beginning, and I give her a rough smile. "Begin," the word falls from my mouth, but my movement has already begun. I do not bother tucking my wings close. I found that the sky was an easy escape, and one that I appreciated more than any other defense I had learned. The sky was limitless, holding you to no rules. There was no greater freedom of movement or spirit than hovering comfortably in the air, which could be a surface for your body at any angle. The earth, while a beautiful retreat for aching wings, was much more confining.

My feet prance up and down, waiting for the mare to rush upon me like a wave, anxious for the thrill of battle. Aryel was going to learn the true meaning of speed. While she was lithe and I dragged by my bulk at times, there was a swiftness that came with experience that was better than any natural advantage. Her sprint is typical, and my wings dart open, launching down at the ground to easily lift from front end from the earth as I swing to the right out of her way. I let my front hooves hit the dirt, using the momentum of my pivot to throw my back end into the sky. I bend my hooves and legs under, sending my ass soaring toward the right shoulder, leaving us facing roughly the same direction. Her from hooves scrape against my barrel, leaving skid marks and a patch of soreness, but nothing worthy of drawing blood. My back legs unfold, falling heavily upon the dirt. My legs jar slightly, but this does not stop me.

I pull forth, swinging my wings behind me like a club for her face, hopefully with enough force to deter her teeth from trying to find purchase, my legs pushing upon the dirt and stone to send me running forward. My wings swing back down on the earth, with my forward momentum and the push from the chocolate wings, I lift from the ground. This was now an aerial battle.



[ 1/3; WC: 394 ]




[ OOC commentary: You have good ideas, but your writing is rushed. I have this problem sometimes as well... my sentences can get wordy with too many actions going through at once. However, the one thing with fighting that you need to keep in mind is that your writing should not be rushed. Rushed writing misses the details that count for a judge, and if you are not specific enough, you will lose points. Take your time, read over your post. See if what your writing matches the image in your head. While you can see your actions very clearly, can others tell what you are trying to do?

The first mistake I noticed is that you did not mention which shoulder you aimed for. I took the liberty of saying you attacked the right side of Kri, but you yourself did not mention. The judge and your opponent need this orientation to visualize the fight. It is a small detail that is easily forgotten, but it is very important! Make sure you note which side you are attacking, what direction you are going. Describe your movement. You have to make it clear so that your opponent, but more importantly the judge, knows what you are trying to do. Being overly vague will lose points, and it often helps happens when you are rushed!

Your defense with "jumping back" is also vague. How is Aryel jumping back? Is she leaping with just her front hooves? Is she pivoting? I was very uncertain while reading, and so I think that the judge will be pretty confused as well. The lash with her front hooves is also awkward. Unless Kri and Aryel were very close, rubbing skin maybe, this attack would not be good. Unless Aryel is rearing, it's very very difficult for a horse to kick out with her front legs and remained balanced.

Still, your want to keep defense in mind with your attacks was impressive. That is a smart way to think, and I think it will pay off later. You really just need to work on your description of your movements. Make them as clear as possible, even if you think you are being overly thorough. It is better to have excess detail than to be too vague and lose your judge.

Lastly, I wanted to remind you that you get points for emotion. This post was very mechanical and did not hold a lot of personal thoughts or emotion for Aryel. It could have been any character portrayed in what you wrote. I have problems with emotion A LOT in fights. Even if you have to go back and add things to make it more personal to your character, do it. It will pay off.

Kri's post was pretty simple. She's antsy at first, keeping light on her feet. She throws her wings down to increase the speed of her pivot to dodge Aryel's ram/bite. Using the momentum of her pivot, she changes her weight like a seesaw, sort of bucking but keeping her legs folded and throwing her butt at Aryel's right shoulder. Once she lands, she begins running forward, throwing her right wing back toward Aryel's face. This is intended to have her launch into the air to move the spar to the air. ]

Aryel Posts: 229
Dragon's Throat Soldier
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.4 :: 4
FennecFyre
#4

Aryel (December)
"Wait...what the--"





Aryel hadn't expected that sudden burst of agility as Kri simply swung away from her charge, forcing her to come to skidding stop before she leapt back. She felt her hooves connect with Kri's chest, but it was hardly a noteworthy blow. Before she could react though, Kri's rear had connected with her right shoulder, pushing her back a few paces with a grunt of pain. Dang, Kri was a good fighter. Of course, what did she expect? A few half-hearted kicks and a bite? Kri was the Sultana for a reason. Btu she wasn't about to back out now. Even now, when she was unsure of her chances of success, she would try her best. She doubted she would come out on top, simply put, Kri had more experience and was stronger, but she would at least attempt to not look like a total fool while fighting.

She tried for a sharp bite at her left flank, but was smacked in the face by a wing. Switching her target from her flank to the offending wing, she tried a bite at her feathers, only to feel her teeth click together on nothing but air. She hadn't expected Kri to be quite this fast, simply assuming the stocky mare's bulk would mean she wouldn't be quite as agile. Apparently not.

She ducked her head to avoid another flailing strike from her wings, then realized Kri was taking flight, not attacking. So it was to be an aerial battle, eh? Extending her own wings, she pushed off, taking a brief running start before soaring in a wide curve to meet Kri. Pumping her wings with as much force as she could muster, she attempted to fly higher than Kri, partially to take a breather, and partially to set up her next attack. She tried to come up with a better idea than simply snapping at her, but was hard-pressed. Kicks lacked power in the air, and she lacked claws or talons to strike her with. Along with the adrenaline pumping through her body, she began to feel a little worry as well, but was determined not to let it bloom into panic. If she panicked, especially in the air, it could be potentially dangerous.

Maybe she should try to break Kri's cool as well.

She folded her wings slightly, angling them like a peregrine falcon in flight would, then dived, aiming for Kri, front hooves out. She would try to strike out with her hooves at her back, (no need to break her wing or concuss her) then break away again with a few strong flaps. She remembered Kri's words before the fight. No need to maim her opponent.

(Just so you know, even if I don't explicitly reply to every bit of OOC advice you're giving I'm still reading it.)

"blah blah blah."


"WHAT IS THIS GYPSY MAGIC SH*T?!"



Thanks for the good times, and no hard feelings for the bad times.

Vicer and Aryel's new threads never happened.


Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#5
 Kri</style>

My ass connects with a rough shove onto Aryel's body, and I feel her slide from me, pushed by the force of my attack. I smile. There is no greater pride than the thrill that shakes in your bones as your attack goes smoothly, sending your opponent a confident, silent message that you are in full control. Of course, I could not entirely control her actions, but if I could manipulate my own movements, perhaps my strong will and finesse could cause her to fold to my skill. I had no need to injure this mare, but I could still present to her the poweress I contained, teach her how to cope with it. If Aryel was a fast learner, she may soon become a test of my skills versus a presentation. When that day came, I would smile with foolish glee and welcome my new opponent.

For now, a slap in her face from my wings is the closest she will get to a pat on the back from an impressed mentor. The scrape of teeth against my hip are deterred from any damage by the swift "fwhap" from my feathers. As my wings lower, I hear the click of teeth as the grasp on air, and a smirk crosses my face momentarily as my hooves lift easily from the red dust of the desert, my body taking hold in the air and rising quickly in altitude. More confident in the sea of air than the hard floor of the earth, the sky was my home. The open expanse of the red desert stretching out before us like crimson tides was fitting for me, if only because it allowed for an unmarred blue sky, rarely the home to clouds. Bright blue and a white sun, just like in the picturesque daydreams of a summer sky - the home I truly wanted to claim was mine.

My reverie about the sky is short lived, for Aryel has joined me, the whistle of feathers cutting air heard in my ears. I look about, dark eyes finding the figure above me, her posture exuding a nervousness I had not felt in years. I could be imagining it, though, but maybe if I was still a novice fighter, I would be intimidated facing the Leader of my home. When I remember my attitude as a young filly, however, I reconsider. Mostly likely I would be the same cocky ass I am today.

Aryel's wings fold and I prepare myself, immediately increasing my speed and tilting my wings to allow my body to rise, as though I were surfing up the face of an invisible wave. The mare's hooves are not entirely escapable, hooves meeting the flesh of my right flank as she soars downward. With one swift jerk of my back legs, I reach backward toward her passing left barrel, continuing on my forward and vertical path. Because of the opposing forces of my own movement and our close proximity, the attack would do little damage, regardless of the force I put behind it, but perhaps a swift kick to the ass would teach her to avoid the backside of her opponent, even when airborne. I continue to curve upward, turning upside down, my blonde mane and tail reaching back down toward the earth as I move back downward. Instead of completing my full circle, I move downward, toward Aryel.

Dropping like a stone for a few seconds, before shooting my wings back out like a parachute. I slow, attempting to hold myself to the left side of Aryel, wings aiming to be placed a mere foot above hers, crossing them at an angle and making a strange, flattened 'X' from our wings. My teeth reach out for the crest of Aryel's neck, grabbing for a chunk of mane at best, not wanting to draw blood from this girl.


[ 2/3; WC: 672 ]





[ OOC Commentary; This post was so much better than your first! I am actually really surprised at how much tangible improvement I saw from this one and your last. I'm like a proud mama right now. ^^

Anyway, there were still some mistakes I would like to mention here. I want you to proofread your next post. There were a lot of grammatical errors in this one that sort of distracted me throughout. I am -not- the example to follow when it comes to proofreading, as I never do it. xD Proofreading is good, though, and it will help you review what you are writing to see if your attacks are making sense or are even plausible.

Other things that were awkward for me in this post was the first couple of bites. I, myself, was not sure whether to consider them actual attacks, as you never actually... allow them a chance to land or not? You sort of mention them getting canceled out, and one of these was actually powerplay. "Switching her target from her flank to the offending wing, she tried a bite at her feathers, only to feel her teeth click together on nothing but air." - Only I can decide if her bite lands or not because it's kind of like you are determining the position of Kri's wings in the air. It was subtle, and the judge may or may not count off on it, but I think ultimately it would be best to allow your opponent to decide the fate of your attacks. If you don't want an attack to do any damage, then either do not add it on, or put something like "the bite was likely too late to catch the offending wing, but she tried for it anyway". That tells me that it would be sort of unrealistic to allow the bite to hit, while also still giving me the freedom to decide and keeping yourself free of powerplay.

You forgot directions again! "Extending her own wings, she pushed off, taking a brief running start before soaring in a wide curve to meet Kri." You never said which direction you are curving to, so I took the liberty of saying it was "left". The judge may or may not count off for a small mistake like this, but it actually gives an advantage to your opponent to allow them to decide on the direction. For instance, if Kri was injured on her right side, and that was what you wanted to attack, but you didn't say which side your attack was aimed for, I could easily manipulate it to the left and avoid the excess damage to an already injured side. Don't give your opponent an edge! Be purposeful and specific in your attacks.

Things you need to work on would probably be emotion, as this post felt relatively dry, and remembering directions.

One thing I was particularly impressed by was your consideration of your surroundings in this post. "Kicks lacked power in the air" was just a short little phrase, but it was a great addition. Surroundings can get you some bonus points during the fight as well, so don't underestimate their importance! :D

Kri's attacks/defenses may be a little more tricky in this one. Basically, as Aryel is sliding by Kri, before she lifts up to stop herself/as she does, Kri kicks out at her left barrel as she begins to curve upward. Here is a little sketch of their position and the kind of movement Kri would be trying to make/making. Next, Kri finishes her air roll and aims downward toward Aryel's left side before trying to bite at her neck. They would look sort of like this. ]

Aryel Posts: 229
Dragon's Throat Soldier
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.4 :: 4
FennecFyre
#6

Aryel (December)
"Wait...what the--"





(Ack, sorry for the wait. Alright, last round, HERE WE GO. Are we going to ask for a judge on this or not?)

As she dropped by Kri, Aryel felt her front hooves hit Kri's right flank with a satisfying thunk that brought a grim smirk to her face. Maybe she wasn't as incompetent at this as she feared. The grin was driven away, though, as her Commander's hind hooves caught her in the barrel, eliciting a grunt of pain from the pegasus. Her breath hadn't been knocked out, but it hurt, and broke her concentration. Wings were limbs just like legs, and flapping them could become as second-nature to a pegasus as walking, but there was a difference between a flap that gathered up the air under her and kept her aloft, and a flail that did nothing. Defying gravity in the air was a different matter than doing so on the ground. She dropped a few feet before she was able to stabilize her flight, and by then Kri had already flown out of reach, curving upwards higher into the sky. Aryel hovered for a few moments, long wings churning the air, feeling adrenaline surge through her body. She was hurting in several places, and she was nervous from fighting up in the sky, but at the same time she felt alive. Just like when she had fought Dakini in the Threshold, she couldn't stop the tide of excitement that rose now, smothering the caution she had felt before. She was a daughter of the sky in a herd of desert warhorses, and she would try her best to finish this fight with as much effort as she could muster.

With a defiant whinny, she pumped her wings and propelled herself forward, meaning to following Kri's path. But now the brown mare was coming back down on her left side, wings folded like a falcon who's spotted prey. She wasn't going to ram her in the air, was she? If they collided and couldn't regain flight fast enough, a tumble at this height could seriously injure them both, if not kill them. But no, Kri had spread her wings to stop her descent inches away from a collision, teeth darting forward to tangle in the roan's mane with a sharp pull. As best as she could manage while staying airborne, Aryel whipped her head back and forth to try and dislodge her teeth. A kick wouldn't reach Kri, and her wings were currently occupied with the oh-so important task of keeping her aloft. The only option was to match bite for bite. She did so, twisting her head upwards and to the left to snap at her neck, hoping to grab onto her throat and give a sharp, quick bite that might cause her to let go, or to grab at a stray strand of mane and bring about pain that way. She wasn't worried about drawing blood, her equine teeth being as blunt as they were, but she had no desire to choke Kri.

"blah blah blah."


"WHAT IS THIS GYPSY MAGIC SH*T?!"



Thanks for the good times, and no hard feelings for the bad times.

Vicer and Aryel's new threads never happened.


Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#7
 Kri</style>

A brush of hooves against the silk of fur, my smile grows into one of delight as I rush upward toward the skies in a graceful arc. The wind tugs at my body, my mane, my soul, pulling the silken tendrils into a frenzied dance while my feathers struggle to uphold my weight in the air. Despite all of the worries that one might feel with their back to the ground and belly up toward the sky, I feel nothing but a calm, warm feeling growing in my gut and exuding from my face in a light through my dark eyes. As I begin to make my downward descent, my wings fold, locking to my side as I swoop in like a masterful hunter of the skies, hearing the howl of the air as it slides by my slicked back ears, blocking out the sound of the whinny from my mouth of my newest soldier.

A beautiful day for flying, I think, before opening my wings to stop me from colliding into Aryel's body hovering delicately in the invisible sea.

My teeth grapple with her mane, a smirk forming around the dark ribbons in my mouth before she shakes her neck, sliding easily from my grasp. Blue eyes widen in surprise as I recognize the pattern of movements as she begins to snake her head around, and desperately I throw my neck down, following pointed hooves sinking beside her shoulder. I twist strangely in the air to throw my own right shoulder toward her left, the grip of her mouth finding purchase near my withers, clamping tightly and sending a wave of surprised pain from my spine upward. In and effort to dislodge her, having little option in this weird awkward position where her wing could easily reach up and slap my girth, a bobbin now in the lake of the sky, I kick my back legs down toward her back with enough force to push her hopefully reeling downward if they should meet their mark, but not enough pressure to break the skin. As a consequence, my once lurched neck and front end comes flying back up like I was on some damn twisted see-saw, blurring my vision and possibly causing my crest to collide with her throat, or even less mercifully my forehead with the hard edge of a jaw.

I had a lurking suspicion that today would end with a headache.


[ 3/3; WC: 414 ]




[ OOC commentary;
I have very few negatives for you this time. You have really come so far! :D

I like how you paid attention to the details and strain of flying in this post, and that you avoided being confused about what Kri was doing in the air. This was something minor that I came to first in your post that isn't exactly wrong as much as it can be made better. " She wasn't going to ram her in the air, was she? If they collided and couldn't regain flight fast enough, a tumble at this height could seriously injure them both, if not kill them." This is great! However, I would really have liked to see you mention the fear that Aryel is feeling. Nervous, panic, scared, what have you. This is emotion that the judges love to see, and it will get you extra points. Do not be afraid to discuss how your character feels throughout the battle.

Mmkay, so the next critique I have is this. "She did so, twisting her head upwards and to the left to snap at her neck..." The way they are positioned in the air right now, their heads are kind of like at a point. Aryel would have to... idk bend her neck impossibly toward the side in order to bite at Kri's throat. The bite was a good idea, but your target was not. you could have aimed for her shoulder or leg, which was easily within the grasp of Aryel's mouth at the time.

Things to work on.....
Emotion. Just try to make Aryel as present in your post as possible. Keep your reactions true to her character, bring in personal thoughts and memories, and don't be afraid to mention panic or anger or joy!
Positioning and anatomy constraints. These are big problems for newer fighters, but just make sure you keep your limits as realistic as possible. Draw out a sketch like I did, if you get confused, and try to visualize it.


OKAY. So Kri's post is probably a little confusing.
Basically, Kri is sinking her neck and front end down between Aryel's neck and wing, sort of like she is "diving". Aryel's bite lands upon her withers, causing Kri to slam down with her back end, throwing her head and front end back up toward Aryel's at the time outstretched neck, trying to push Aryel's body down and away from her. If you are still confused, don't be afraid to ask questions or draw it out. ^^ GOOD LUCK ON YOUR LAST DEFENSE POST! ]

Aryel Posts: 229
Dragon's Throat Soldier
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.4 :: 4
FennecFyre
#8

Aryel (December)
"Wait...what the--"





(Last time I have to use her doofy Christmas table :D)

Aryel hadn't intended to bite Kri on the withers, but perhaps it would be even more advantageous than grappling with her mane or neck. As her teeth found purchase in her mentor's skin, Aryel realized that she might now have the upper hand. Kri was still above her, sandy wings buffeting her with gusts of wind, but she now had purchase on her withers and could pull her downwards if she chose, and still inflict pain. She wouldn't get the opportunity though, as Kri's shoulder bashed into her own just as the sandy mare's hind hooves came down hard on her rump, not quite as quick as a kick, but still forceful. She hadn't expected her to retaliate in such a manner and was unprepared for the dual blow. At the same time, her plunging head came back up, and the top of Kri's neck clipped her bottom jaw, finally loosening her hold on Kri's hide. She was now even closer to the Resolute's hooves, her head within striking distance.

Not exactly somewhere she wanted to be. She flung herself leftwards away from Kri with a flap, long wings striking towards the Commander's sides, which would certainly cause pain if they hit. The force produced from the wingstroke tilted her somewhat sideways, and she took the opportunity to break away from the fight, banking away with several powerful wingbeats until she was out of striking distance, gliding back around to face the other pegasus while hovering. She tasted blood. Was it Kri's? Or had she bitten her tongue when the bay's neck hit her jaw? She wasn't sure. The adrenaline rush the fight had brought on was beginning to subside, but her thoughts were still scattered and tense. Not that she wasn't enjoying herself. She loved the challenge of fighting someone as skilled as Kri, especially one so skilled and yet as diminutive as she was. Really, both of them weren't much larger than ponies. She admired the tactics her opponent used, trying to commit them to memory should she go up against a larger enemy (which probably wasn't far off). She waited for Kri to continue the fight or, more likely, signal it's end, as she sensed the fight was about over. Both of them were tired, if the sheen of sweat on her own coat and faint evidence of the same thing on the Commander was anything to judge by. A dip in the oasis seemed like a lovely idea at the moment, and she was rather happy with herself concerning the spar. She had displayed what skills she knew, and absorbed a few new ones. Not too bad for her first proper fight. I'd like to go against Dakini or Crowley now, she thought with no small amount of venom. I'd send them away with more than a dislocated leg.

"blah blah blah."


"WHAT IS THIS GYPSY MAGIC SH*T?!"



Thanks for the good times, and no hard feelings for the bad times.

Vicer and Aryel's new threads never happened.


Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9




A r y e l | K r i
- - - - -
By my verdict KRI is the winner.
Kri can now use the battle buff AIM. Remember you must say which 2 battle buffs you are using in the first fight post you make for them to count!


ARYEL -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: charging bite to shoulder – which side, right or left?
+ 1| Attack: fore hoof flail

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

KRI -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: avoids bite – this defense was a difficult one to me. It would have been very plausible if you turned left, but because you turned right, into the side she was attacking, it seems likely you would have been hit in some way, even if not injured by that hit due to your momentum and angle. However… due to the fact Aryel states she jumps back immediately after aiming her nip, it is very likely that she wouldn’t have re-aimed her attack, or continued to go forward, as is generally assumed with charge attacks, because she was already working on running backwards. So, because of that I decided to keep this a positive defense.
+ 1| Attack: bucks
0| Defense: scratched on barrel – not sure you needed to, or even could take this since she described it as she retreated then threw her hooves out to help protect herself
+ 1| Attack: wing flail

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

ARYEL -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: buck to shoulder – I’m not sure this would shove her back really, certainly not a few paces. You were already heading backwards at this point, and the buck was not a fully extended one, therefore less powerful. This would mostly just cause large bruising.
- 1| Injury: no mention of pain or sustained injury from taking the buck
- 1| Attack: bite to flank – I was uncertain if you meant this attack failed immediately because of Kri’s wings, or if it was still possible to land, and whether or not this bite became the wing bite, or if they were two separate attacks still… Either way you are on Kri’s right side and shouldn’t be able to reach her left flank at the moment.
+ 1| Defense: smacked by wing
+ 1| Attack: hoof dive to back – although if you’re trying not to maim, aiming for someone’s spine isn’t your best bet :P

*I only read the OOC comments Boom provides after providing my own judgments, as I would not like to be influenced but still am curious to read them, and saw something I wanted to bring up. She mentions the powerplay of you switching your attack to her wing and writing yourself as missing it – it is perhaps the most subtle case of powerplay I have ever seen, and ultimately I chose not to count it because in the end there was no negative impact from it on Kri.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

KRI -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bite blocked by wings
+ 1| Defense: rises to meet the dive, scraped on haunch
+ 1| Attack: buck
+ 1| Attack: dive to nape

[Prose]
+ 2| Emotion
+ 2| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

ARYEL -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: kick to barrel
+ 1| Defense: mane grabbed
+ 1| Attack: bites back at neck – an awkward position, but considering Kri had to lean down to bite your neck, it is plausible you could reach back to bite her neck, but most likely you’d only have the side in reach and only if this was done in quick succession.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

KRI -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: drop and lurch right to have your withers bit
+ 1| Attack: push her – a tricky situation I was inclined to think wouldn’t work, but after fighting with my hands for a while I think I was finally able to picture the same thing you were.
+ 1| Attack: head colliding with her neck or jaw
+ 1| Defense: hurt by the collision

[Prose]
+ 2| Emotion
+ 2| Flow
- 1| Easy read – pretty confusing predicament in the end of your post, more detail might have helped clarify

ARYEL -- post 4 (defense only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: shoved down
+ 1| Defense: jaw clipped
- 1| Attack: wings to sides – you cannot attack in this post


ARYEL

[Bonus]
+ 2| Surroundings
+ 1| Breed

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| I loved how you had Aryel drop a few feet after being struck in the air in your third post! Wonderfully described.

Comments: You have done incredibly well on this fight, and I saw you improving with each post. Definitely you want to remember to include which sides your attacking, as this helps provide clarity for your judge and opponent, but also makes your attack occur as you visualized since not giving a side can allow your opponent to choose. You have some great ideas for attack and defense, but I get the feeling you’re still grappling with fighting with a horse body because sometimes, and only slightly, not all of your attack placements made sense given the positions of Aryel and Kri at the time. Remember to that injuries you sustain need to be described more, even if it’s just saying that there’s swelling, an inevitable bruise, some torn skin but no blood etc. I got a sense of your trying to add emotion in, but I wanted to see and feel more. What is the thought process happening behind each and every attack and defense she provides? Why does she do what she does? You said she nervous and panicking fighting in the air, but don’t tell me those things, show them to me! Otherwise you did great and keep at it :)

KRI

[Bonus]
+ 1| Surroundings

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| Using your wings to help you dodge in that first post.

Comments: I definitely saw an improvement in your prose with this! I felt a lot more emotion from Kri and your flow was excellent. Your posts can sometimes be difficult to understand, or more so require me to really think and map out what you’re doing, but I think this is more related to some crazy acrobatics you do than any lack on your part, but perhaps try and re-read to make sure you’re really being clear in these cases. As always you have a great sense for attacking and dodging, and I love how well you fight as a pegasus, utilizing all of the awkward traits of wings and aerial battles. I would definitely suggest trying to remember to include your surroundings and breed differences in the future! Otherwise lovely job.

TOTAL
ARYEL - 70
KRI - 74


Image Credit: dirkjankraan @ Flickr

Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#10
Yaaaay, Fennec! :D
You did so well! Thank you for the excellent fight.

Thanks judge! c:

Aryel Posts: 229
Dragon's Throat Soldier
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.4 :: 4
FennecFyre
#11
Heehee, not bad for my first fight. Thanks, Boom and judge!
Thanks for the good times, and no hard feelings for the bad times.

Vicer and Aryel's new threads never happened.



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