the Rift


The Saddest Landscape. [Note]

Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
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Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#1

 KRI the Resolute</style>
    My friends, I am only flesh and bone, but I won't let you die alone.</style>

I sought refuge in the land I had fallen in love with upon my entry to Helovia. The night had come to the Dragon's Throat, painting the natural red of the soil with a purple tint, the light of the stars illuminating the territory well enough for me to see on this clear night. I had no interest in my desert home, however, for all of the worry which surrounded the barren land had left me with a bittersweet feeling within the boundaries of my home. Tio would not be successful, but the fact that he would invade my borders and put my family into danger in a foolish and failing attempt to capture my home tore into my heart. To watch them suffer at the hands of another, for another's selfish purposes, caused my chest to wrench painfully, and seeing their faces was enough to make me sigh with sadness.

I was irritated with the stallion, but not enough to call his scrawny ass out from the Wilds and skin him alive. Maybe, if I had some sort of blade... but all I had was the wind. I suppose, I could crush him under the weight of the air. Still, it was not truly Tio's fault that I worried. The Aurora Basin posed a future threat, should the unicorns become so bold as to try to eliminate the other races. If not the Basin, it would be another threat or another. Sitting at the helm of a herd was a stressful job, and the danger of my family was something which drove me nearly insane, even in the days of Isilme. Adalwulf and his equines had never come back to reclaim the Cliffs, but that small blessing was disrupted by the idiot demi-gods and their own hatred. My family was scattered, and now this was a threat that loomed above my head once more.

I will be damned before I allow another racist or idiotic asshole to capture my kin and bind them to chains of unhappiness. Let me give my life for them, as long as they are safe.

My wings are heavy on my sides as I fly north, toward the Foothills, away from the red of my home, forward still. The wind whistles by my ears in a soothing manner, trying to cheer me from this bitter mood. I could not help but feel as though I were being trapped in a cage of my own worries. The cycle would repeat again, another day. As long as I was Leader of the Tuuli, I would feel my heart beat for their sake. Even if I were replaced by another, my life would still belong to the family I had made. I would never exist for any other reason, as long as the were alive. This cage kept getting smaller, but there was no escape. I had decided my fate by extending my love, and I would be buried with it.

Seeing the peak rise in the distance, I launch my path upward, carrying me toward the line of clouds and shooting upward like a rocket. Ice crystals cling to my feathers, which I quickly dislodge once above the cloudscape. I fly onward, toward the small meadow which rested atop the mountain, covered with flowers in the dead of the night. Above, the full moon pours bright, milky light over all the surfaces, illuminating the world in silver and lavender. The lady of the night, who had granted my powers, was very aptly colored, I think with a smile, before landing gently upon the flowers. Perhaps, in the light of her moon, my mind would find the peace I sought.
""

[ Setting is the Heavenly Fields at night. Full moon, moderate temperature.
800 word max. 2 or 3 posts each + a closing defense, I'll let you decide. No magic, no companions.
I don't remember if you wanted OOC tips and critiques, or if this is just a regular practice spar. Let me know, I'm happy to teach if you want. ]


Note Posts: 183
Hidden Account
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 15.3hh :: 6 years Buff: NOVICE
Sabel :: Iberian Lynx :: Stormcall bry
#2
[Image: 50f4feb8c0907]



N o t e

Sohalia. She was beautiful and sweet and perfect in every way. Note cherished her more than anything in the world, except, maybe Skysong, their daughter. He would lay down his life for his family, but he'd rather stay on Loorien with them than watch them from the God's view.

That was his reason for being here, he had to protect his budding family from harm. His nerves were especially on edge, thanks to the threats of evasion by Tio. So much was going on; Note was out of touch with the skills he had once had, he desperately needed practice.

Note's thoughts were disrupted by the beating of wings. He turned his head to see none other than Kri, the leader of the Throat. Her mahogany coat was illuminated a silver-gray color in the moonlight, looking as majestic as ever. He felt guilty at the fact that he had never taken the time to personally meet the mare, but Note demolished the feeling immediately. He was meeting her now.

The dusty bay stallion moved through the flowers as they brushed his knees, walking at a slow, easy pace towards Kri. He didn't want to waste energy on approaching her, for they had a spar to fight. "Nice to see you, Kri," Note spoke, dipping his head to his leader in respect, but they weren't here to chat.

"Speech"

[ OOC: Two is fine with me. Post: 0/2
ooc tips/critiques would be great, if you'd be willing to give them to me. ]


Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#3

 KRI the Resolute</style>
    My friends, I am only flesh and bone, but I won't let you die alone.</style>

Silence does not keep me long, for the wind blows gently across the tops of the grasses and flowers, leaving behind the faint scent of another. I am not weary, for it carries the same arid drift of the desert that I have just left, but instead of my own feminine curl, there is a distinct stench of male. I close my eyes, steadying myself for what is to come. I do not want to face the questions of my kin. I have no answers that would fall pleasantly upon their ears, but only the promise of more war and more bloodshed to avoid the worse of it. At least, by aiding the Grey, I could offer my warriors a choice. They did not have to stand and fight with me beside the twins of black and white, but they would not have a choice when Tio came to our borders with unfriendly faces.

I turn my head in the night, opening dark pools which glimmer with silver mystery in the moonlight, catching the ashen bay body of the stallion I faintly recognized as one of my soldiers. I knew their names, had pledged my life for theirs even if I did not, but setting his face with the list I knew well was a different story. I stare at him as he approaches, shuffling my body to face him, I let out an uneasy breath. There was a restlessness in his gait that I recognized all too well from my younger years. I had been a vivacious warrior, seeking out the ways of battle with all of my superiors. I often had my ass cleanly handed back to me, but I have always been enthusiastic about the fight. This lessened more with age as I became more tempered by time, responsibility, loss, and regret. Now, my heart still beat to the sound of war drums, but in the still moments of life outside of the field, my heart beat in time with those it was bound to protect: the children of our desert home, the Dragon's Throat.

This child, Note.

"Evening, Note," I say, my voice curling around his name confidently despite my relative unfamiliarity with the stallion. I do not believe we have personally spoken before now, and I often regret not having ample time to spend with each of our warriors. There was a faint wound which still resided on my heart when I thought back to Leander's callous opinions of my detachment from our family. While I was not always readily available for small talk, I was never far behind when danger lurked, guarding the backs of every soul who called the Dragon's Throat home. Was this not a form of attachment? It might be distant, for those who had never been placed in immediate danger, but it was real, passionate. I meant my words; I would protect them with my life. This, I think, is what unconditional love really is. "If you are as anxious to spar as you appear, then I suggest you get ready."

With a tug of my lips into a gruff yet tired smile, my blue eyes, such a mournful color, take on a new fire that gleams with a red tint not available in the painted lavender meadow of the night.

There is a moment between my words, their notes still clinging like dew to our surroundings, before I rush forth from my place, short, stocky legs carrying me with haphazard speed toward the right shoulder of Note, my own body parsing toward the right so that my left shoulder would hopefully bound into the more delicately built stallion, perhaps to throw him off balance. In the moment our shoulders would meet if my aim were true, my neck cuts through the air, turning my face back toward Note with an open mouth and vicious teeth snapping toward his cheek and ear, but he might find should the bite land I was being gentle. I am not fond of hurting my allies, which is why I typically avoided brutal attacks that can occur in a more serious fight. I have been injured by my enemies far too many times to count, but my allies have only injured me during my own stupidity. Lessons are best learned through your own blood sometimes, and the only time Note would this would be in moments of sheer idiocy that would lead to injury of his allies or himself.

This was a spar, but it was not for pain. When it comes to my family, I am nothing but a teacher.
""

[ 1/2; 799 words. ]



[ Okay, so I will have more for you after you post. I'll just do a quick synopsis of this post.

Kri is greets Note, gives him a little warning, and then lunges forward. She charges toward his right shoulder, trying to smash into it with her left shoulder. She turns her neck during this time to try and bite at Note's cheek/ear.

Tips: I am not sure yet what your strengths and weaknesses are. My suggestion will be pretty basic. Make sure to note directions of attacks. Avoid restrictive language that could be construed as powerplay. Make SURE you understand and can visualize what is going on. Sketch it out if you need to. Ideas for realistic fighting can be found in videos of horse play fights, and they can give you an idea of basic time of attacks and such. ]

Note Posts: 183
Hidden Account
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 15.3hh :: 6 years Buff: NOVICE
Sabel :: Iberian Lynx :: Stormcall bry
#4
[Image: 50f4feb8c0907]

N o t e

By the tone in Kri's voice you could've sworn the two had known each other far longer than three seconds. It was surprising for him to realize she even knew his name. He was, after all, just another pretty face in the line up of soldiers. Note considered himself nothing special and easily forgettable.

More doses of shock dazed the stallion as he heard Kri say the word spar. Reacting as quickly as he could, Note tucked his neck and bunched his muscles, preparing for whatever his Sultana had in mind for him. Her small, stocky body propelled towards him, the mare colliding with his right shoulder, sending him stumbling backwards. After seconds of recovering from the jolt, Note reared and twisted the front half of his body to the left, away from Kri and her snapping jaws, but not soon enough for her to graze his cheek. It was a light cut that stung for only moments, but he knew Kri could be much, much more deadly if she had chosen to. He was just glad they were fighting in practice and as long as he was on her side, he'd never have to truly face the mare in battle.

As soon as Note's hooves hit the ground from the rear they had previously been in, it gave him momentum to lift his hindquarters swiftly from the ground in order to give Kri a light buck as she passed him, if she even did. The world was a blur to him. Maybe it was the shock from battling Kri, or maybe it was the fact that he had barely slept in a day. He wasn't quite sure himself, but that was not a matter to ponder about at the moment. Now was a time to improve upon his skills.

[ Post: 1/2
Attack: buck
Defense: Neck tuck ]

"Speech"


Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#5
[ Mmkay. So, here's how this will go. I'm going to write a critique of your post, and then you're going to be allowed to change/edit/fix whatever I point out, or just redo the entire thing. It's up to you, whatever you want to do to respond to my feedback. ^^

I'm just going to move down from where the action starts and do prose after, much like the rubric.

When you take Kri's ram, you do not mention injury aside from "jolting" of it. I want to know -what- happened. Is there a bruise? What about pain? Injury is a large portion of the rubric instead, so it might be a good idea to think of attacks as a checklist.
- Hit or dodge?
- If dodge, does some of the attack hit and how?
- Pain?
- Extent of the injury.

The next problem with this battle that I had was how you handled the bite. It was intended to be a simultaneous action, yet you allow time to separate it from the charge. These are not separate time frames. Kri is still moving forward, so her bite wouldn't be near his head and neck if it was after her charge. A pivot would be a good defense for a bite, except that Kri is ramming into him, so I would.... I would suggest a simple uptoss of his head or something, keeping his feet firmly planted to avoid being knocked over. Also, there is injury here, which is good, but no mention of any pain again! Even if it doesn't hurt, you have to justify it.

"As soon as Note's hooves hit the ground from the rear they had previously been in, it gave him momentum to lift his hindquarters swiftly from the ground in order to give Kri a light buck as she passed him" YAY this is a great transition attack from a rear. Though I said the rear doesn't fit what I would do in this case, I think this was a brilliant idea on your part afterward.

Prose wise, this post was a little disjointed in me. Work on your transition of thoughts. One second you finish a rear, the next you are talking about not getting sleep. Where is this coming from? Try to create and keep a stable image in your mind, or make transitions to smooth out your posts.
There was also a void of emotion here. It was dry, not personal, and could really have been written from anyone's perspective. What sets this post apart from your other characters? Besides using a nice table, what makes this Note? I would suggest interjecting some personal feelings throughout, as you don't want to clump it all at once. Mention fear, panic, excitement, pride, whatever Note is feeling. If he is shutting down his emotions or tuning them out, mention that too. Mention his grappling with attention, thoughts anything that is relevant. The more you can suck from your characters mind and put in this post, the better it could be.

Points you missed:
- Creativity points
- Breed differences or surroundings
- Emotion

You don't have to incorporate these in every post, but they can earn you points and separate your character from your opponent! Don't underestimate them. :D

Post your revision after this and I will respond soon~

EDIT: Also, I forgot to mention that you should include wordcounts, since there is a restriction on them.
http://wordcounttool.net/ ]

Note Posts: 183
Hidden Account
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 15.3hh :: 6 years Buff: NOVICE
Sabel :: Iberian Lynx :: Stormcall bry
#6
[Image: 50f4feb8c0907]

N o t e

By the tone in Kri's voice you could've sworn the two had known each other far longer than three seconds. It was surprising for him to realize she even knew his name. He was, after all, just another pretty face in the line up of soldiers. Note considered himself nothing special and easily forgettable.

More doses of shock dazed the stallion as he heard Kri say the word spar. Reacting as quickly as he could, Note tucked his neck and bunched his muscles, preparing for whatever his Sultana had in mind for him. Her body propelled towards him, the mare colliding with his right shoulder, sending him stumbling backwards. Her stocky, well built profile was enough to give him a slightly tender bruise. Note tossed his head up and away from Kri's snapping jaws as they tore lightly below his ear. The bite stung, pulling a small chunk of his coat out, but not causing blood to spill just yet. For that, Note was thankful he wouldn't have to face this mare in a true battle. He was almost certain she could do much more harm than this.

The dusty bay ducked his head, swinging it in a large swooping motion down, then back up again so that his muzzle was at the top Kri's back. She was far shorter than Note, giving him an advantage of being able to strike out from above at her smaller figure. The only thing that would've made the attack easier would be for some kind of light to fall upon the area, the faint glow of the moon was not enough for the stallion.

Note aimed a bite at Kri's back, but wasn't sure if the attack would go as planned, considering he was lashing out at something so encased in the absence of light. The stallion then pulled himself up into a rear in an attempt to give Kri a light cut on her flank. It wasn't as if he would've cared if the injury would be light or not, though. Being the cold and distant horse Note normally was, he had blocked out most emotion, for it was something he was good at; simply getting lost in the moment and focusing on the situation at hand, no feelings toying with his concentration. Remorse or guilt for any kind of damage he would be doing to Kri was no exception.

[ Post: 1/2
Word Count: 407
Revised c: ]

"Speech"


Kri the Resolute Posts: 243
Hidden Account
Mare :: Pegasus :: 14.3hh :: 10 Buff: NUMB
Boom Boom!
#7

 KRI the Resolute</style>
    My friends, I am only flesh and bone, but I won't let you die alone.</style>

I feel the pressure of skin against mine a split second before the jolt of bone against bone. There is pain on both sides of this line, but as I am used to throwing my weight around, I am prepared to handle the jarring of my body as it collides with his. Note's slender figure gives in comparison to mine, the momentum of my body colliding with his and sending him backward, even as my teeth are unleashed like ravenous beasts at his neck. The clutch loosely against the skin that yields away from me, leaving little damage on the neck of Note, hairs crowding my mouth unpleasantly, but nevertheless causes an shock in my own jaw as our bodies meet. Even before my head retreats, I feel the motion of his neck downward since I cannot rely on my sight as easily in this poor lighting, craning around my own, and instead of fleeing away from Note, I slam my weight backwards onto my hooves, allowing my front end to be pulled up into a half-rear that as I twist my body farther left. I was not foolish enough to be caught in a rear during battle while my opponent was still on the ground and fully aware of my presence.

There is no place more dangerous in battle than kept so precariously on your back legs while your enemy takes hits at you as though you are nothing but a weak leaf clinging desperately to the smallest branch of the tree. Even against my friend, Note, a soldier of my own and kin in my heart, there is no room for such an eerie mistake.

His bite lands, but I attempt to throw my weight up into his mouth to cause him much more injury, halting his ability to clamp onto a portion of my skin by minimizing the momentum of the attack and filling his jaws with the thick musculature of my left shoulder, feeling the sting of the extra damage upon the area. After all, I had just finished abusing the poor thing by using it as my own personal battering ram. Now, dull teeth clash against my frame, causing no cuts and leaving little behind except small individual bruises on top of an aching shoulder - oh, and spit. Lots of spit. I wonder absently in Note has a drooling problem, but it is little more than an after thought.

My semi-rear is instead of pushed back downward to the ground driven forward, a lunge toward the stallion even as his front end begins to lift easily from the ground. The nimble ability of his thin frame compared to mine increases his speed, making his movements swifter. Unfortunately for Note, his speed would not be an advantage today. The split second it takes me to shift my weight from my haunches back toward my shoulders is long enough for him to begin his ascent, one that maybe end shorter than he intended. I drive my figure forward, curling my neck down and toward the left, my jaw resting on my battered shoulder, my right aiming for the soft flesh of his exposed belly with all of the forward momentum I could manage in these close quarters.

Note was my brother, but even family must be taught lessons the hard way at times. Better I than an enemy leave him splayed across the floor of the world. Even as I feel his hooves at the very top of my barrel, dangerously close to my spine, leaving small gashes, bruises, and a wake of pain that comes out in a rough grunt from my lips, I am hoping to feel the slam of his body against mine and the gentle brush of his hooves as they slide away from my figure as his form topples toward the ground. Allow me to teach you why I am the Commander.
""

[ 2/2; 672 words. ]



[ Critiques for this last post.

It was great that you allowed Note to be pushed back, and you followed my advice to throw up his head! Realistic redirection of Kri's bite.

The first thing that really bothered me in your revision was that you have Note move his neck around Kri's to be able to bite her, but you don't explicitly say that. Instead of saying he swooped his neck down and back up, you should say something like "Note weaves his neck around Kri's to get a clearer view of her back as he moves in for a bite" or something. I was at a loss as to -why- he was moving his neck for like five minutes. xD I was like ...why doesn't he just bite her. Until I remembered that Kri is biting him around the same time. It was a good attack, just not really articulated well.


You did better on emotion and I definitely saw some good breed comparison there. ;D

Kri's attack synopsis:

Kri attempts a sort of half rear (more of a lift of her front end caused by suddenly stopping), which jams her left shoulder into Note's mouth. After that, she throws her body forward, hoping to knock her right shoulder into Note's stomach as he rears to knock him over. ]

Note Posts: 183
Hidden Account
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 15.3hh :: 6 years Buff: NOVICE
Sabel :: Iberian Lynx :: Stormcall bry
#8
[Image: 50f4feb8c0907]

N o t e

At last, the bay could pull his head back and away from Kri. His mouth ached from the jolt she had given him from stopping so suddenly. The stallion was given little time to recover before the mare was charging at his stomach. Do not be so easily deceived by Note's actions, for he was not one to be so rash as to rear in battle without a decent plan first. The stallion was young, yes, but tended to over-think his life, as well as the actions he made. With a mind like that, you plan out every detail of your life.

Long, thin wings spread from Note's slender body, pulling back then forward as his hind legs were lifted from the ground. His body was propelled back by barely half a foot at this point. The ends of his mahogany feathers might brush Kri's sides, but he doubted it would hurt much. If they would, he wouldn't have chosen to take flight in the first place, since that'd end up hurting his beautiful wings.

The stallion was now airborne. Being a pegasus, a true child of the sky, how could you expect him to stay on the ground for long? His scar was clearly visible, but the bay didn't mind if his leader saw it. Ever since his talk with Sohalia, he didn't care much at all who saw the large blemish that marked his flank.

Note's hind legs lifted up farther, a smile climbing up his darkened muzzle. Kri's thick, strong shoulders would finally be useful to him. The bay's sliver hooves, glowing white in the moonlight, moved up to meet the center of Kri's dark chest, pushing against the mare's thick body. Their close proximity was an advantage, allowing Note to channel even more energy into his push and lift himself farther away from Kri. He was mostly on his back in the air, which was just about the most uncomfortable thing that can happen to a horse.

The awkward feeling of being upside down in the air was not for this stallion, so he twisted his body around, almost doing a buck in the air to hopefully knock his hooves again Kri's nape or lower jaw. It would give her a pretty tender bruise, or even a gash if his hooves met her skin in a certain way.

Although the bay pegasus loved flight, it wasn't something he enjoyed in battle. Note returned his hooves to the ground, a jolt surging through his hooves and up his legs as they met the earth much harder than he had initially expected. He stumbled forward, feeling dizzy and light headed from the battle. His hooves ached from their recent pushing and landing, though he remained standing. Sides heaving and breath short, Note was done here.

[ooc: 2/2; 491 words]

"Speech"


Boom Boom Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#9
[ OOC commentary: Same as last time. Feel free to revise all you want. ^^

Okay, so I actually like your idea of flying to avoid being knocked over during a rear, but, unfortunately, you cannot "redo" actions during a fight - you're pretty much stuck on moving forward and cannot go backward.

Kri already took damage from Note's rear, which was a simultaneous action to his attack. So, basically her knocking into him is when his hooves on her back, which you did not mention in this post. It's also important to know that horses hold their weight entirely on their back legs during a rear, so you would not be able to push off from the ground using them. Horses are heavy, and it's already a struggle to have them lift off from a stand still. Basically, his entire weight would have to be lifted from his wings. I think it's interesting that you used flight to catch his fall, I just don't really see it as plausible here.

An easier alternative would be just to bowl over onto Kri's back. Instead of making his weight fall backward, push it forward. x3 It would be much easier to read and much more realistic than trying to imagine a horse flying backward. However, if you want to keep it, try to go into more detail about -how- he manages to transition into flying upside-down. Because one flap of his wings just... doesn't cut it for me.

OKAY. From here on out, there were other problems.

"The bay's sliver hooves, glowing white in the moonlight, moved up to meet the center of Kri's dark chest, pushing against the mare's thick body." -- This is just cold hard powerplay. I thought maybe you were referring to the attack placed on her from the rear, but that landed on her back near her spine, as I said. You cannot redirect injuries onto your opponent once they have been stated. You may aim anywhere, but it's up to your opponent to decide if and where they take damage. Once it's stated, it cannot be changed.

"The awkward feeling of being upside down in the air was not for this stallion, so he twisted his body around, almost doing a buck in the air to hopefully knock his hooves again Kri's nape or lower jaw."

For this, I am assuming Note cannot be far off the ground if he is aiming for Kri's neck. She's pretty short. Her lower jaw is also supposed to be tucked against her shoulder, as stated in the last post. If that is the case, his wing would probably be damaged by twirling around. However, I could not get a clear mental image of this maneuver in my head, so maybe he is doing something I am not understanding. This needs to be clarified, again, if you are continuing with the same approach.

Good points:
"At last, the bay could pull his head back and away from Kri. His mouth ached from the jolt she had given him from stopping so suddenly."
Recoil is always good. ;D

"Note returned his hooves to the ground, a jolt surging through his hooves and up his legs as they met the earth much harder than he had initially expected. He stumbled forward, feeling dizzy and light headed from the battle."
Again, more recoil from attacks. Always a nice thing to see.


I think you have gotten a lot better at taking injury and you have very creative ideas! You just need to consider the actual mechanics and the plausibility. Be sure to write out everything in detail, even if you think you are being exhaustion. You still had 300 words to use here. Don't take them for granted! ]

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#10

NOTE | KRI
- - - - -
By my verdict KRI is the winner.
Kri is awarded 2 VP, and unlocks the Battle Buff MAGE


KRI -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Attack to Note's right shoulder.
+ 1| Attack: Bite to ear/face


[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Flow.

NOTE -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Blow to the shoulder
+ 1| Defense: Tossing his head to less Kri's bite to the ear.
- 2| Power Play: then back up again so that his muzzle was at the top Kri's back. - You cannot dictate where your opponent is. Only where you believe them to be, or where you would like to end up in relation to them.
+ 1| Attack: Bite
- 1| Attack: "Cut on Kri's flank" - There's no mention of direction, nor with what Note is planning on injuring Kri with. Another bite? His hooves?

[Prose]
- 1| Emotion: I know Note is described as being cold and distant, but that doesn't mean your posts can't have emotion to them!
0 | Flow.
- 1| Easy Read: This one was disjointed to read. It was a significant revision from the previous post, but your attacks need to be fleshed out more, in order to read clearer.

KRI -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Rearing into Note's bite
+ 1| Attack: Shoulder to belly
+ 1| Injury: Hooves to her barrel.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: oh, and spit. Lots of spit. I wonder absently in Note has a drooling problem, but it is little more than an after thought. lmao
+ 1| Easy Read.
+ 1| Flow

NOTE -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Having Kri rear into Note's bite
- 1| Defense: Flying into the air - Kri's attack to Note's stomach, which you took, was meant to be simultaneous with his hooves hitting her back. In order for him to lift off when you said he did, would require the previous attack to have not happened.
- 2| Power Play: The bay's sliver hooves, glowing white in the moonlight, moved up to meet the center of Kri's dark chest, pushing against the mare's thick body..
- 1| Attack: Using Kri to push off of, was mentioned as PP just above. But also, I can't imagine how this would be possible at all. Given the weight distribution, and the fact that a pegasus could not reasonably fly upside down (maybe glide for a few moments, during a loop or something), I don't see this being possible at all. I think Note would have fallen flat on his back the instant he tried to lift directly off from a standstill rear.
0| Attack: Bucking in the air - no point deduction as points have already been removed above. But this attack isn't possible. Kri is only 14~ hh off of the ground. I can't even see Note being able to hover upside at that height (even if it was possible) without injuring his wings on the ground, or falling. Also, there is no real mention of direction here.


[Prose]
0| Emotion:
-1 | Flow: This flow of this post was really thrown off by the unrealistic attack.
- 1| Easy Read: I had to stop a number of times to try and visualize what was going on.


KRI

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed Comparison.

[Injuries]
None

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: I love how Kri's military maternal side comes out in her spars with other members of the Throat :3

Note

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed Comparison.

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| Awkward flying defense - Even though this one came across as unrealistic, I really liked the direction you were going with, to try and incorporate Note's being a pegasus, into the spar.

Comments: Next time, I would try to envision what's going on, and definitely make use of all of the word count!

TOTAL
Note- 45
Kri - 63

image credit to Paulo Brandão


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