the Rift


[complete] Cheap Thrills [Sumati]

Murdock Posts: 198
Outcast atk: 9 | def: 10.5 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.2hh :: 8 HP: 61.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Gaz
#1



To the south, the pale golden sands of the Throat could be seen beyond the charred plateau that surrounded the Heart. Pulsating heat swept upwards into the cool sky, catching Murdock’s wings and slowing his descent as he dropped toward the cracked earth. The scarred clay dusted beneath his hooves as he landed upon the ground, emerald eyes scanning the shadowed corners of the rocky ledge to his right. He turned towards the gaping wound in the planet’s crust, picking his way over the scatterings of dark volcanic rock toward the edge of the Heart. He halted as close as he dared come to the lip of the rock, peering down into the seething pit of spitting lava and red-hot rock.

The mass of fire was like the very heart of Helovia, pulsing with heat and giving life to land; the absence of foliage in the surrounding area also proved it to be a taker of life. The stifling heat that radiated from it seemed to distort the air before his eyes, warming his face like a hot breath of wind. The Heart was one of the few places in the land that he had not yet been to, and curiosity had drawn him to it. He had faced similar circumstances when visiting the marsh, though he hoped his harmless exploration would not end in the same way.

He had travelled south from the Steppe, and the vast change in temperature was making his head swim. The haze of heat was almost tangible, and his dark hide absorbed the warmth to a painful degree. He turned away from the fiery pit, stepping farther from its radiating heat to look up into the darkening sky. Dusk was approaching, and in most places the air would have begun to cool; but nothing of the sort was occurring while in the presence of the Heart. A purplish mass of clouds had begun to swarm overhead, further darkening the paling sky with a rare summer storm.

Despite the swathing heat, Murdock couldn’t help but feel energized in the presence of the coming storm. A foreboding silence had consumed the cracked plateau, only the faint hiss of the hot wind disturbing the quiet of dusk. Absently, he pawed at the dark rocks that were strewn across the cracked clay, eyes searching the sea of grass that lay in the distance. The Heart had proved to be a beautiful and treacherous place, much like the marsh, and despite the heat he found he was glad that he had taken the effort to travel this far south. He preferred the cool northern temperatures, but the steppe had grown too monotonous for his liking.

(OOC: 800 word maximum for posts, no magic or companions.
Setting – Helovia’s Heart at dusk. It's very hot out and a rare summer storm is brewing overhead. The ground is uneven and littered with small rocks.
3 attack posts with 1 closing defense. Judged.)


"talk talk talk"


Wind me up, put me down
Start me off and watch me go

Image Credit


Edit - 04/01/2013 Added Judge prefix

Sumati Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#2

Heat.

Heat became tangible on that day. My roan skin oozed Tallsun sweat, a mirage warping the air around my shoulders, radiating from the feathers of my wings. The darker blotches around my legs and shoulders, like a sponge, drank the sweet humidity. The skies above me felt compressed as dark clouds accumulated, closing up the freedom of a clear, open world. I didn’t pick the perfect day for this, but the way this day was would make me stronger. It would make us stronger.

The Throat needed my best defense. This wasn’t what my extremely tall, lean body was built for, but the addition of new muscle that I’d trained in my wings for weeks was something that could change the expression on the face of brewing war. I was ready for this, walking rather than taking flight to the Heart; stretching my lengthy, pale legs over the cluttered gemstones, putting great effort in the depth of my breathing, the looseness of my body showing relaxation dominant in my expression. My hazel eyes were intense, glittering gold, reflecting the high lapping flames blurred together by the seamless smudges of black smoke and clear mirage. The footing here was hot on my feet, much more sultry than the red sands of home. But I would be better used to the darkening air, so I brushed my feathers to the sky and took the skies like storm.

I would be easily seen in the sky, only chasing altitude high enough to see the heart from above. I sought my target, lean and black. I could tell he was shorter than me from the skies, finding the grass a good measurer. It rippled around him, touching the tips of his pale feathers, they seemed to glow green at the tips as the light around us began to succumb to nightfall and rainfall. In the sky, warm mist fused with the sweat of my coat as I dove upon him, tilting my own pale wings downward, and increasing speed with a dangerous smack of my primal feathers against the wind. I approached him from the side, finding his shoulder in the range of his wing a tactical place to collide, my warm bay chest against his hot black wing joint. I wanted to come down hard, knock him over on his forehand; he’d be vulnerable and unbalanced there. So with a flick of my position upon impact, I angled my tail outward and stiffened my knees, bracing the fall with lean legs planning that if my legs needed to touch the ground, they would briefly.

I’d be low to the ground, so as soon as the collision occurred, hit or not, I’d skyrocket back up into the sky – if I knocked him over that is, if not, this would no longer be an aerial move.

ooc; 472 words -- opening attack 1/3

SUMATI</style>
He who is a good ruler must first have been ruled.</style>

image by aigle_dore @ flickr.com

Murdock Posts: 198
Outcast atk: 9 | def: 10.5 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.2hh :: 8 HP: 61.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Gaz
#3



The distant sound of thunder echoed across the flat plains, the threat of rain growing closer as the sky darkened. Murdock absently scraped at the ground with a hoof, searching through the wind-polished stones to the vibrant gems buried beneath. It fascinated him, how such brilliant jewels could be present in such a harsh and unforgiving area; they reminded him of some of the treasures he used to discover as a foal. The faint hissing and crackling of the Heart sounded behind him, the wind sweeping across his feathers as the storm drew closer. Rain would likely soon be upon him, and finally the parched landscape would receive some relief.

The hiss of wings through the air went unnoticed by him as he continued to search through the stones, rolling over each tarnished rock with the toe of his hoof to inspect what lay beneath. Only when the mare dropped low enough for her dark body to be seen out of the corner of his eye did he become aware of her presence. Jerking his head up, he dashed forward as she sped toward the right side of his body, desperate to get out of her way. She had seemed to come out of nowhere, and he had little time to react to her sudden appearance. Her chest was aimed for the base of his right wing joint, her body hurtling down at a deadly speed from the stormy skies above.

She had caught him off guard, though, and he was not quick enough to fully evade her sudden attack. He felt the full force of her momentum hit his right hip, knocking him off balance and sending him crashing to the ground. His left hip joint connected with the cracked clay, sharp rocks digging into the muscle of his flank. Searing pain blossomed from his joint where it had contacted the firm earth, rigid edges of the volcanic rocks stinging his skin. Stunned, he remained on the ground for a moment, his torso remaining half upright while he spread his wings for balance. Eager to get on his feet once more, he pulled himself onto all fours, twisting his head back to watch as the mare returned to the safety of the skies.

Watching her dark body soar beneath the clouds, he frowned in confusion. Her motives for attacking him were unclear, though he had no time to dwell in thought. Gritting his teeth against the fiery pain in his hip, he struggled to break into a run, spreading his wings as he gained momentum to lift up into the skies. If she was going to come back around and take another try at him, he wasn’t going to sit around and wait for her. The rising columns of hot air from the Heart helped him rise easily, pushing him up toward his assailant with little effort.

He rose up toward her, looking up at her slender body from below. They were evenly matched as far as build was concerned, and he would not have size on his side today; however, only time would tell which of them had the upper hand in experience. He climbed above her on her right side, twisting about in the air to face her. Angling his body down toward her, he beat his wings against the humid air to gain speed. Approaching her swiftly, he spread his wings at the last moment to slow his upper body. His torso swung upward so he was vertical in the air, hind legs level with her right side. Inertia carried his lower half forward, hind hooves aimed for her rib cage on the right side of her body. With any luck, the force of his momentum would drive a powerful kick to her ribs, buying him some time to prepare for her next attack.

(Summary: Murdock dashes forward as Sumati dives toward him, but does not move fast enough and her chest connects with his right hip. He falls to the ground as she returns to the sky, but gets back to his feet quickly. He pursues her in flight, rising up above her on her right side and angling his in her direction. He flies toward her, gaining speed before spreading his wings at the last second. His wings catch the air, slowing his upper body but allowing his lower half to swing forward. His hind hooves swing out toward her, aiming to strike her ribs on the right side of her body.
Attack 1/3
Defense 0/1)

"talk talk talk"


Wind me up, put me down
Start me off and watch me go

Image Credit

Sumati Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#4

Hit.

The bone protruding from his hip, though cushioned with muscle and fat sank into the deep of my chest. Little vibrations of shock and spasm created pain in the wake of my brain. His back half wavered under me, giving to the pressure of my velocity. Though Thoroughbred, he was still graced with a slight bulk that overpowered my lightness and brought me down with him. A skillful punch of my wings on the air saved my body, but not my legs; they grazed the gemstone gravel, hissing much like a snake before latching its jaws to its kill. The stone shards scraped away pale hairs, and ripped tiny punctures out, cutting slender slices in my forelegs. Beads of blood bubbled to the surface, only a drop or less lost, but the scrape sizzled as the humid raft of wind took to my wings, saving me from a true tumble.

I rise in the sky, following the line of misty clouds. Despite my speed, they are a whirlpool in the sky, raging past my own wing flaps building upon themselves, caring me a good ways before I fought them. My tawny-tipped wings could keep me occupied long enough to keep my fierce, hazel gaze on the glittering floors of the Heart. But my eyes did not see him. He was already up in the air, rising beside me, a black demon approaching so fast that gravity had no time to grab the dents of his pasterns and pull him back down. Murdock, I saw from the last bat of a stinging eye, shoved his body at mine, reaching for my right ribcage, falling backwards like a reckless samurai. I pulled myself into action, the beats of my wings reacted instinctively as the surprise attack bought me no time to think. My huge body shied in the sky, jolting left with a fearsome slap of my wings, and as the flap carried me upwards, the tips of his onyx hooves mashed into the sensitive abs that were immediately tense just by my own reaction. Pain electrocuted me and sent me further left, gaining enough bend to balance myself right. I was out of breath, but the turn I made out at my left gave me just enough time to inhale.

My belly throbbed on each wingbeat. I’d already been scraped up and bruised as he’d just been taken off balance. I needed desperately to give him some of his own scars to remember me by. Pale wings lapped eagerly in the misty haze of new rain. We needed to get out of this storm before the lightning decided to caress its fingers on our hearts. It brewed, and I could feel it booming behind much like the fire in my soul. This was only a spar, and as much as I wanted to claim victorious on this day, I wished to the God of the Sun that we wouldn’t be wasted.

My eyes darted to him, hanging there in the sky, waiting for my next maneuver but that was all it took. They narrowed into slants as my enormous body rocketed down at him, anger finding a passageway to my actions. I bared my teeth now as I neared, my jaw dropping ajar waiting to plant a nasty bite on the left side of his neck. I was slightly above him, and it gave me just enough room to throw my mass into his shoulder while my teeth were paying attention to his crest. I dove, feeling the rush sizzle in my brain, heat escaping out on the tobiano line of flesh in the form of sweat. I was ready, and my jaws snap closed as my body was in attempt to knock the shorter, slightly bulkier black stallion on his butt. I hoped I was angled far down enough to be successful because my next attack should rightfully be mine on the ground.

ooc; 654 words -- 2/3

SUMATI</style>
He who is a good ruler must first have been ruled.</style>

image by aigle_dore @ flickr.com

Murdock Posts: 198
Outcast atk: 9 | def: 10.5 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.2hh :: 8 HP: 61.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Gaz
#5



Murdock was pleased to see he had evaded her sight, and he watched the bay search the skies for him as he rose quickly on her right side. As their bodies neared and she finally caught sight of him, her pale wings beat the hot air in a desperate attempt to avoid him. However, she was not quick enough in her maneuvering and his hind hooves connected firmly with her underside. The shock of the impact sent a wave of discomfort up Murdock’s leg, pain blossoming at his left hip join where his body had connected with the cracked earth only moments before. He grit his teeth, frustrated that she had managed to evade the full force of his attack but pleased that his hooves had still made some purchase upon her body.

Thunder rolled overhead in the purple clouds, echoing across the charred earth and the smooth sands that marked the border of the Throat’s territory. A bright flash of light split through the black sky, lighting up the world for a mere second before everything returned to darkness. Not eager to be fried by the crackling flashes of electricity, Murdock swiftly angled his body toward the earth to drop lower in the skies. Warm air rushed past his ears, tugging at his mane and tail as the dry clay grew closer in his vision. Mindful of his enemy, he kept an eye on the mare as she circled around him, suddenly pitching downward toward him with wings tucked in against her body.

Wings snapping in against his sides, he dropped lower in an attempt to avoid his rapidly approaching adversary. Her body was aimed for his left side, and he tucked his head in between his knees at the last second to avoid the bite aimed at his neck before her lower chest struck his shoulder. Though they were quite evenly matched in terms of weight and size, the force of her body slamming into his still sent him tumbling through the air. His wings remained tucked against his sides, his legs pulled in against his body as he hurtled down toward the rough ground below. The world spun in his vision, blurring into one bewildering mess of dark blues and vibrant reds as he struggled to sort out up from down.

Disorientated and panicked, Murdock threw his wings open to catch the air and slow his falling body. He felt the muscles of his left shoulder strain as his wings struggled to keep him aloft, and he watched as the fiery depths of the Heart passed beneath his hooves. Relief flooded over him as he regained stability, turning his body into the wind to slow his airspeed so he could locate his opponent. Her dark body passed over him as he turned toward the south, tall grasses and golden sands stretching out toward the horizon from the rough landscape below.

Pale feathers catching the hot air to push him upward, Murdock weighed his options as he kept his gaze fixed on Sumati. They were very evenly matched when it came to build, despite the fact that she was slightly taller and he was slightly heavier. If only he could somehow slow her down a bit and gain the upper-hand, then maybe he could get her right where he wanted her. Rising up to her level, he beat his wings against the air to drive himself toward her. He tucked his fore-hooves in against his chest, reaching his head forward to aim a bite for her right wing just above the joint. If he managed to get close enough, his knees were aimed for her upper rib cage with the hopes of dealing a blow to both her wing and her body.


(Summary: Murdock drops lower toward the ground as Sumati dives toward him. Her lower chest strikes his left shoulder and sends him tumbling through the air, but he tucks his head in between his knees and manages to evade her bite. He regains control and rises up on her right side, lunging in toward her to attempt to bite her right wing just above the joint. His knees are also aimed for her upper rib cage on the right side of her body.
Attack 2/3
Defense 0/1)

"talk talk talk"


Wind me up, put me down
Start me off and watch me go

Image Credit

Sumati Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#6

Hard.

My chest claps against his shoulder, stinging slightly, and I feel my weight drive into him as I crane my neck around his withers, causing the black Pegasus to race ever close to the unforgiving floor. I press myself closer with a flap of my hazel tipped wings, feeling the heat of his skin come clammy in mine. I kick out my hind legs just as he’d done one hit earlier. Rotating my amazon build in the air to break the contact. I didn’t adjust myself until I felt cool air fill the space of my chest, and I spread my wings to glide back into the sky, watching him all the time, head between my knees with calculating eyes.

But Murdock knew what he was doing.

The ebony body stayed curled in the air, pallid wings folded against the uprising wind. He carried himself down, unafraid of the nearing ground. And before I thought he would meet Loorien’s great crust, he spread those large wings to glide upwards – slightly. He was smart to keep low in the sky so I could not plummet to meet him in a hard smack, but I still wanted him on the ground. I had a feeling that it would take more than pushing him around to get him there.

The wind hissed and the crackle of electricity was dead close. Even though I was significantly lower to the ground I could still feel the hairs on my neck rise with the magic of static. Mist hung heavy overhead, and I rode the wind closer to him, closer to the ground.

I watched him spin in the air, gracefully arching his slender body to pick up speed, tossing himself in my direction. I sped at him too, ears pinning against my singing mane, feeling sweat bead on my shoulders were my wings burned a gentle fire. With a quick swerve of his wing he races at my side nearing me at a hazardous speed with each wing flap. His body hisses as he attempts to whirl past, flashing a mouthful of silver teeth at the precious joint of my right wing. In attempt to dodge the skillful move, I raise my wing and jar to the left, feeling room to kick out a powerful, slender leg hopefully punching the tender, black barrel.

As I do so, I feel Murdock’s bottom teeth rake the skin of my own barrel after clipping away a sliver of skin from my protruding wing joint. The first drop of rain splashes into the fresh wound and the pain throws me off balance. My fierce hazel eyes narrow. More drops fall from the blackening skies as lightning cracks across the air. My tawny tipped wings shift and I circle to the left, hoping to reach sight of the fast-moving stallion.

Maybe this rain would get him to the ground.

ooc; 480 words -- 3/3

SUMATI</style>
He who is a good ruler must first have been ruled.</style>

image by aigle_dore @ flickr.com

Murdock Posts: 198
Outcast atk: 9 | def: 10.5 | dam: 2.5
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 16.2hh :: 8 HP: 61.5 | Buff: ENDURE
Gaz
#7



Murdock raced toward the tobiano, hot static crackling in his ears as brilliant lightning tore through the darkening sky. White teeth flashed out toward the mare’s shoulder as he neared her, scraping silver skin from her wing joint in his passing. As she twisted her body away, a hind leg shot out toward his barrel. Her hoof slammed firmly into his right side, knocking him off course and punching the air from his lungs. Stunned and gasping for breath, he shook his head, fighting against his tightening chest to inhale the humid air. Angling his wings back, he slowed himself as Sumati circled away to gather his bearings.

Breath finally came to him as the pain died away, fading to a dull ache from the bruised flesh. Emerald eyes searched the navy skies for the winged mare, locating her dark figure as she circled away to the left. The clouds were visibly becoming thick and heavy with their burden of rain, the occasional drop falling from the navy mass to splash across the bridge of his nose. Soon, the light precipitation would likely turn into a thunderous downpour that would ground them both. Tenderly angling his body upward, his pale wings fought against the rising wind to carry himself toward her. The rising columns of hot air from the heart conflicted with the falling cool air from the clouds, roughing up his flight as he neared his opponent.

He climbed through the thick air until he was above her, chin tipping down to locate her as he checked his ascent. Tucking his wings in tightly against his dark body, he dove. His body pitched down, pale feathers hissing against the hot air as he sped toward her hovering form. Jaws parted as he neared her body, his teeth aiming to clamp down over her crest as his chest swung toward her left shoulder. If he was successful, he would drag her down toward the cracked earth with him, entering a perilous free-fall that would put both of their skills to the test. His wings pressed in tightly against his shoulders, keeping them away from her own pale appendages to avoid tangling.

If successful, he would release her from his grasp at the last second. He would spread his wings, beating them against the hot air to push himself away from her. Silver hooves finally connected with the firm ground, steadying his body as it quaked slightly from the adrenaline that shot through his blood. His heart roared in his ears, nostrils flared as ragged breaths shook his damp sides. The heat had greatly lowered his stamina, and already he found himself exhausted and his energy spent. Stagnant heat radiated against his dark face from the gaping wound in the land to his left, rain beginning to fall heavier as the storm swelled overhead. Shifting his weight across his feet, he grimaced at the persistent pain in his left hip joint as he watched the mare, eager to see the outcome of their death-defying dive.

(Summary: Murdock takes the kick to the right side of his barrel and is left winded and stunned for a moment. He recovers quickly, searching for Sumati before climbing up toward her. He passes her before tucking his wings against his body and diving toward her. He aims his teeth to grab her crest, trying to knock his chest into her left shoulder. If successful, he will try to hold her in his grasp and fall with her, pulling away at the last second before landing safely on firm ground.
Attack 3/3
Defense 0/1)

"talk talk talk"


Wind me up, put me down
Start me off and watch me go

Image Credit

Sumati Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#8

Heavy.

The rain threatened to open a hole in the sky at any moment. The air carried twice its weight in moisture; flying through the thickening sky made my wing beats twice as strenuous. Humidity not only from the air, but from the heart below pulled a final burst of sweat over my coat. I flapped away from him as he fell to my kick, massive, tobiano body swaying in the shoves of dark atmosphere. Rich eyes fought to pierce the navy shadow below to be swallowed by the thickening dark. I had no idea how far he fell because of the inky claim night had on us. New, steadying raindrops were but flinging into my face as I roared on, attempting to locate the emerald eyed stallion of whom I’d underestimated.

Visibility was key in aerial combat, and the true challenge was finding the white-winged warrior. I fled his presence as I knocked him down, hoping to the weight of the sun’s godly heat that the brute’s Thoroughbred flesh had succumbed to impact with the soil, but I was still somewhere in the sky, a prey to the flashes of lighting that came close enough to stand my hair on end. In each flash of cloud-contained energy I saw a red streak of fear blink in my vision. The inky night settled in at that moment, and I dove. My haunches curled under to a close range of paired lightning strikes and the pang of electricity. I was naked to the hungry arms of storm. My body flew alive and uncloaked. Rapidly, feeling the wind scream into my ears as my wings gave way to the loud, thundering of the chaotic striking behind me. I was far too high to hit the ground in an instant, but my eyes still searched the glow of the Heart. Perhaps I was too far from its radiant bloom of heat. Had it gone out to a few raindrops?

But my eyes readjusted to the wind, narrowing to let my lashes protect my lenses and found the Heart with a victorious slam of my tail. A smile formed on my lips and my wings took pilot of my amazon body, swerving right, to the direction of the red glow. The air felt heavier here, and the muscles in my wings pulled hard against the joint, ferociously slapping the helter-skelter drafts of upheaval. The warmth of the heart set my body a red glow as I came ever close to the squirming body of water and fire.

Just in that instant he hit me.

Murdock’s pale eyes found mine as he dove into my left side with a stronger surge of force. Gravity grabbed us both at that instant and we fell. He grappled me, pearly teeth connecting with the curve of my crest and pain shocked my neck. I felt frozen in his grasp, but the stillness and the stinging of the rain lit a fire in my thoughts. I twisted under him, feeling his teeth pull on my mane as I squirmed under his hold. There was a short amount of time before we’d connect with the ground so I shook my head, kicking out in all directions just in the mere attempt of freeing myself. That was when I realized my haunches were free from his tangle of hold. I flailed my right wing, finding purchase on the air in attempt to lift my balance enough to swing my legs around to kick the stallion’s ebony hide. I saw nothing but the white of his wings as I twisted away, trying to spin in the air, using my right wing as leverage. The only leverage.

But before there was anything more, he let go. My body tumbled in the air and I braced myself as I saw the fire lit grasses come strikingly close in my eyes as a flash of lighting lit up my tumble. My wings spread out as soon as I found balance, and my body straightened out under their hold. I was so close, too close. My haunches attempted to jam down against the wind, and I made a tiny swerve upwards. Just enough to keep from a deathly collision. My lowered haunches found the ground first and they dug into the grasses, dirt climbing up to my pasterns in depth, and I fell on my forehand. My knees smacked the ground hard and it tipped me into a roll. Wings were relaxed enough then to stay unharmed underneath my body’s spin. All movement stopped and I was flat out.

My eyes opened and my chest heaved. My head lifted and I pushed up. Eyes began to search for Murdock, but my body felt weak. I shook, soaked, muddied.

"Good fight", I muttered.

He got me good.

ooc; 800 words -- defense -- 1/1
Awesome fight, Gaz!

SUMATI</style>
He who is a good ruler must first have been ruled.</style>

image by aigle_dore @ flickr.com

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9


S u m a t i | M u r d o c k
- - - - -
By my verdict MURDOCK is the winner.
Murdock receives 2 VP and has unlocked the battle buff ENDURE.

SUMATI -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Trying to smack into Murdock's wing joint. I felt this was awkward because Sumati appears to be falling with her legs slackened for her chest to hit his wing joint. From here, I got confused on what you were talking about. This: "a flick of my position" does not describe anything about the actual motion Sumati is trying to make. What is a flick in your position?
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "So with a flick of my position upon impact.." -- Only Murdock can decide for certain if there is an impact. Later you do say "collision occurred, hit or not", which does not even make logical sense. What is Sumati colliding with if she doesn't hit Murdock? The first statement is still powerplay, as you are stating an impact that does not have to occur.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow
0| Easy Read: I was very confused on the motion following her straightforward attack.
+ 1| Emotion

MURDOCK -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Running forward to redirect Sumati's attack on his wingjoint to his hip.
- 1| Injury: I do not think in this situation Sumati would knock Murdock cleanly to the ground. Sumati is only .1hh taller than Murdock, and around the same build. They are pretty much equal in force, and Murdock is also in motion, but not off balanced from his center of gravity. I feel like having his rear end drop and stumble would have been sufficient.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "He climbed above her on her right side, twisting about in the air to face her." -- You may only attempt this maneuver, but Sumati could still rise higher than Murdock.
+ 1| Attack: Letting his hindend swing forward to hit her. This was a beautiful use of inertia anf flight dynamics.

[Prose]
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Flow
0| Emotion: This read as dry. I did not feel a panic, confusion, determination, or anything... really. Use biased words or emotionally charged words throughout. Give us insight into what Murdock is feeling.

SUMATI -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Recoil: Being affected by slamming into Murdock.
0| Defense: Flapping your wings to push Sumati away. In this short time frame, I think that if you pushed down with both of your wings, the right one would get hit by Murdock's hooves either on the way down or the way back up.
+ 1| Attack: Biting at the left side of Murdock's neck.
0| Attack: Throwing your body into Murdock's shoulder. This is vague. What part of Sumati is supposed to be hitting Murdock?
- 2| Powerplay: "...it gave me just enough room to throw my mass into his shoulder while my teeth..." -- You should never state this as if it is definitely going to happen. This is also to be worded very carefully and very cautiously. Instead of "into" you should say "at" or "attempt to throw my mass into his shoulder".


[Prose]
+ 1| Easy read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow

MURDOCK -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Recoil: Pain from his kick which reflects his previous injury. Awesome.
+ 1| Defense: Tucking his head to avoid the bite.
+ 1| Injury: Taking the hit to his shoulder, and being sent backward. This is realistic to an extent because there is nothing to stop Murdock from moving with her force here - like a ball being punted through the air unaffected.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "Her dark body passed over him as he turned toward the south..." -- You cannot state your opponent's position. You can only speak of Murdock's.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "Rising up to her level..." Same critique on this as earlier. You can only try. Who is to say she doesn't land?
+ 1| Attack: Trying to bite her right wing.
0| Attack: Aiming to hit her ribcage with his knees. For a flying pegasus, this would also be a difficult target, wings and all. Since you did not specify which angle he is approaching from, I can't say for sure, though.

[Prose]
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Emotion: I was shaky on this, but there was basic emotional presence, at least.

SUMATI -- post 3

[Realism]
0| Defense: Jarring left to avoid his bite. "In attempt to dodge the skillful move, I raise my wing and jar to the left..." -- Which wing? This is vague, again. I have a hard time seeing what Sumati is doing, especially connected to the next counter-attack.
0| Attack: Kicking at Murdock's barrel. "...feeling room to kick out a powerful, slender leg hopefully punching the tender, black barrel." -- Which side is she attacking? Which leg? I am assuming front, but I do not actually know. This is overly vague again and gives me no idea what Sumati's position relative to Murdock is to even judge this as realistic or not. You had plenty of words, so expand.
+ 1| Injury: Taking the bite mostly toward the barrel instead of the wing joint.

[Prose]
0| Emotion: Very mechanical.
+ 1| Flow
0| Easy read: Movement was vague, which made this difficult to understand.

MURDOCK -- post 3

[Realism]
0| Injury: Taking the kick to the barrel. I would have liked more details on exactly where, since the barrel is a large area.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "He climbed through the thick air until he was above her.." -- Same critique as before, different post.
+ 1| Attack: Biting to latch on to the top of her neck to attempt to drag her down.
+ 1| Attack: Throwhing his chest toward her left shoulder. I mentioned about Sumati's chest ram. What are Murdock's front legs doing during this time? I find it very strange imagining them slack in front of him, but you two both seemed to do this. Maybe I am alone with that visual being odd.

[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Flow
0| Emotion: This was also mechanical. I would have lied to see more of Murdock in this emotionally versus just physically.

SUMATI -- post 5 (defense only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Bite to the crest. You do not really detail the extent of the injury, but I felt everything else was good, so this was minor.
- 1| Dropped attack: No mention of Murdock's ram to her shoulder.
- 1| Attack: Kicking out toward Murdock. This is a closing defense, so you cannot write an offense. I realize this was a bit difficult, but squirming and flailing with your wings is a good enough attempt to free Sumati.
+ 1| Defense: Trying to spin free from Murdock's grasp.


SUMATI

[Bonus]
+ 2| Surroundings: You were consistently aware of your surroundings, describing the rain and the lightning, as well as its effect upon Sumati.
0| Breed Comparison: You mention several times the comparison between Sumati and Murdock, though I feel you misuse this. When, in your first attack, you mention Murdock being smaller I imagined him to be maybe 15.?hh or something, but he is only .1hh shorter than Sumati. That's not even worth mentioning.

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: You are an excellent writer! I loved reading your posts just for the sheer beauty of the way they are written. However, you struggle with including important details about positioning and attacks that could really clarify what you are doing. The majority of your posts were focused on surroundings and emotion versus action, which is fine, except if you are going to be concise about your attacks and defenses, you need to be extremely clear in your movements. Add directions, describe until you are afraid you are being overly explicit. Also, do not over emphasize small differences like .1hh! How much of a difference is that between horses you know in real life? Good job!

MURDOCK

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed Comparison: You kept the weight and height similarities of your opponent in mind.
+ 2| Surroundings: Always mentioning air patterns and how they affected Murdock's flight.

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| Trying to drag Sumati toward the ground was very interesting.

Comments: You fought well! The only consistent problem you had were some minor phrasing problems with borderline powerplay. It is very important in fights that you do not assume anything about your opponent unless they explicitly state it in previous posts. Do not say that you rise above them or rise at their level, for Murdock can only attempt to do this. Sumati is free to change her altitude whenever she feels like it. I would really love to see you work on bringing out some emotion from Murdock. I have no idea how he felt about this fight, but I certainly have a feeling about how Sumati viewed it. This disparity sticks out to readers and especially judges. Try to bring some feeling, not just mechanics, into the fight. Great job!

TOTAL
Sumati - 59
Murdock - 63

Image Credit: dirkjankraan @ Flickr


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