the Rift


[JUDGED] The Corporeal [Elizabeth]

Snö Posts: 155
Deceased atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.2 hh :: 4 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
ali
#1
   SNÖ</style>
  & i know why everything wrong feels so right</style>



The ice princess waited, the wounds healed from her recent battle in the treacherous ice caverns of the Frozen Arch, with a stallion who wore both wings and antlers, a snake that curled on his brow. Vaguely it reminded her of this insistent urge to venture down to the Veins of the Gods, seek out the ones who could make her stronger, an even better opponent; one that everyone feared. Even mother, Psyche the Dark Empress of the cold world of the north. No, she didn't really deserve her title- the "Dark Empress". The traitorous mare who abandoned her as a filly. Perhaps she should be thankful, considering how well she turned out, a truly independent mare without reliance on others.

Snö had stayed for the last two sevendays, two weeks, and much of her wounds had healed well. Most of the blood that had clotted and matted her left side had been washed away in the hotsprings down near the ocean, where the red blood filtered out and away. Her first scars were appearing on her pearly flank, and Snö couldn't decide if she was dismayed or rather enjoyed the fact that she would be seen as a warrior now, not just a poser as she felt many of the warriors were. Did they fight nearly constantly? No! She hoped Mauja and Psyche had noticed her work, her training, the crack as her hind legs hit the stubborn, unyielding trunks of trees, working herself into a cold sweat.

It was early morning fifteenday after she had encountered Gaucho, and while it was all well to allow herself to heal, it was not do well to let her muscles soften and lax into smooth flesh. Today she had asked the single Corporeal of the Basin for training, and today was the day. One day, she hoped to be promoted to Corporeal, to be recognized for her hard work- and maybe in the future, General. Every minute she went into battle, the straining of tendons and the resounding crack of locking horns, was working towards her becoming one of the best warriors of this home they were making. Too much time she had spent moping over Thais- he was a dog now, and a dog that had left her.

"Elizabeth!" Snö called, turning her haunches to the smooth rocky cliff behind her. The hotsprings were ten or fifteen meters away, the ground even and smooth grass. She had found this grassy stretch a while ago, free of holes and dips that may disrupt them- she had no doubt it would be a more than excellent battlefield. The sun was rising behind her, hidden by the huge shadows of the behemoth mountains, and so it would not factor into the blinding of pretty eyes. "I'm ready." Snö had commanded Tarak to sit well away from them, in order not to disrupt their fight. This fight was to go on even grounds, without any disruptions, or uses of magic and companions. There was no reason to cut open friends.

[WC: 506 || Restrictions: 3 posts, 1 closing defense for you, this includes starting attack || Setting: Aurora Basin, early morning, even grassy field. Light is yellow-gray, pale and washed out. Hot springs are about 30 to 40 feet away, and will likely not factor into this fight. Magic and companions not allowed, but I don't think Elizabeth has magic? Good luck!]



Credits

Elizabeth Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#2

Elizabeth
the fallen


I walk around my home, trying to get the feel of the ice and snow beneath my hooves. I was once so familiar with this land, and I was overjoyed when the God of Time came and gave us what we rightly deserved. Coming back was something new to me. I didn’t intend to leave in the first place, but sometimes you have to wonder around. Upon my arrival back, I was asked by my princess to fight. I was more interested than usual, given the sense she was the daughter of the FrostHeart and the now named DarkEmpress. Being Corporal, I of course agreed. I needed to fight again, and it needed to be soon. As I walk to find the princess, I wonder how this fight will go. I know it has been a while, but it is something you never forgot, or at least very easily. Silver markings shine in the reflection of some ice crystals in the snow. I am groggy from heavy slumber the night before, feeling at ease because I am in some place familiar. I think I didn’t sleep well while I was away. I was trapped in a place I would call close to hell, but I can’t remember much now. I think my mind is starting to be lost to me, which is unusual for my young age. Cold water bursts into my mind, making me shriek. I awake in a pool of water, using it to wake myself up. I shake the water from me, knowing it has definitely woke me up, but now I’m in a bad mood. Perfect for a fight. I stop before I continue, looking at a mess of black and silver in the water. This is who I am, who I’m meant to be. A cruel bitch of a unicorn; Nothings changed, and I won’t let myself stray so easily again. I continue with purpose. A mare of white rests in my sight, and I know Snö. I’m not used to her, for I don’t really remember much about her background, only whom her parent’s are. I see scars on her, lacing her whiteness. I smile, wondering if she is trying to become a warrior like myself. She certainly seems on her way, and fighting with others is the best way to get practice.
“I’m here Princess.” For once I don’t say it in a sarcastic tone, for that is her fitting title. “It seems to me you’ve been fighting, which is you want to be a warrior is good. Though fighting isn’t pretty. You have to be tough, to endure the pain of battle and triumph through everything. I’m warning you; I will not go easy on you. You wanted a battle, and I shall not disappoint you in that aspect.”
Making my move, I decide whether or not to charge the little dear, or to being my toying. My fight instincts take over, and I move with haste. I rear, whinnying as loud as I can, giving out my battle cry. I tuck my ears into my black skin, and travel. Using my horn of black, I aim for her face, her cheek. I run towards her side, trying to get my mark as best as I can. I then run to the right, away from her body, and move my hooves up, aiming for them to hit her middle and lower neck or her shoulder. I run as quickly as I can, moving a few feet away. If she should charge as me, she’ll be in for a surprise, because I’ll quickly turn around and aim my horn at her.

[OCC:
Word count: 608
Attack: Aims horn at her cheek, wants to make a light to medium gash there. She then aims her back hooves at her mid to lower neck and shoulder area.
Defense: Quickly turns around and stands in a position with her horn down, but won’t turn around until Snö is closer.]

"blah blah blah."




Snö Posts: 155
Deceased atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.2 hh :: 4 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
ali
#3
   SNÖ</style>
  & i know why everything wrong feels so right</style>



Snö's delicate snow-kissed lips curl into a cool smile, as cold as ice, hard jagged ice that will happily let you fall in a moment. Around her, shimmering in a faint haze, comes the watering light, fragile, softened pastel yellow and blue glittering brightly on her coat of snow. Emerald grass slips up from the coarse, moist soil, lightly coated in silver dew. Farther away the brilliant green grass is hidden by drifts of creamy snow, dripping forlornly in the warm embrace of Tallsun; but here in the North, the land does not give so easily to the heat of the Sun's breath, as the World Edge did when he came in his furious rage. For a moment the curvaceous mare's smile slipped, at the memory of the lick of burning flames.

Not that the gorgeous mare who ever admit it, not by the long silk hairs of her tail or the rougish chestnut that occasionally cropped up on her body, but she had been afraid that day. Afraid that the herd would be scattered, thrown to the wind and torn apart from the fire's relentless fury, that her dearest family might die, that Tarak might melt into a pool of molten gold, brass, and bronze.

The rather luscious mare shook off the delicate hands of the memories, embracing the cold, wintry air that was a constant in the sheltered valley. Only in the height of day did the air warm from frigid to cool, but Snö enjoyed it. It was surprising just how much she loved the Basin- they deserved it. How did the Moon Goddess have the audacity to allow an invasion on the beloved home of the World's Edge, when Mauja had been naught but the best of leaders? Her father did not deserve to have his leadership so cruelly torn from him. Yes, while Snö may have little love for her mother, perhaps some would say dislike, she admired and loved her father, despite her frequently independent nature.

Snö wondered how the Corporeal thought about the Edge, and how her current herd had been formerly removed. The femme dipped her head in polite acknowledgement of Elizabeth's words, twisting her smooth silver cranium to the left, the curve of her throat delicate and exposed for the briefest of moments. Snö prided herself on her most feminine body, and saw no dishonor in displaying it. From the natural, long-legged stride and drifting feathers, to her wide crystal eyes and frost horn, she was beautiful all the way through.

Perhaps if Elizabeth hadn't been quite so foolish to trumpet like a banshee and screech out she was coming to get her, Snö may have been caught off guard. As it was, she was swift to lighten her feet and forehand, distributing her weight mostly on the haunches. She was familiar enough with her body to know she was strong in the hind, quick to move off her feet and brace herself for any incoming attacks. As the dark mare of the Basin came charging towards her, Snö kept herself cool and collected, just like the ice princess she was occasionally called. When Elizabeth charges to the warrior's left- or the Corporeal's right- Snö shifts her weight, pushing off her right hind and surges towards her, aiming to collide with Elizabeth's abdomen area. She remembers how effectively Gaucho could put all his force behind the move. As she moves, Elizabeth's horn comes down to scrape the thin flesh above the spine, where the withers join the back. It is a shallow wound, but like many small wounds, it stings like a bitch.

With their proximity, Snö is only just able to "avoid" the black mare's kick. Instead, the hooves scrape her left thigh, not quite breaking skin but rushing along to bruise and ruffle the creamy hairs. Immediately she pivots after they break apart, and lowers her pale blue horn, coming in swiftly, wary of the hind legs more than capable of injury. Elizabeth was about a hand taller than her, but Friesian as well; she would be just as strong and easy off the hooves, no doubt. Humph, Snö muses, a touch irritable at the lack of advantage. But at least that meant, if she were to win, it was clear who was the better fighter on even terms.

As quick as she can move, Snö rushes forward towards hopefully Elizabeth's right side. Instead of launching out a kick, she rears up, hooves digging into the ground for purchase, aiming to crack a good thump to the crest of the Corporeal's neck.

[WC: 764 || Post: 1/3 || Attack: As Elizabeth charges, Snö leaps forward towards her hindquarter area, aiming to check her and knock her off balance. Because of how she moved, Elizabeth's horn instead came over the point where her withers lower into her back, a shallow scrape but because of its point just above the thin flesh of the spine, very painful. As they break apart, Elizabeth's hooves instead land lightly on her thigh. After, she turns and charges forward, attempting to move to Elizabeth's right side and rear up, hopefully hitting her in the upper neck, or crest.]



Credits

Elizabeth Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#4

Elizabeth



Horn sticks out between my mass of black and silver hair, as I wait for the frosted mare’s attack. The frozen dead grass beneath me is stomped into the earth, where it belongs. Though this is a practice spar, I will take this seriously, and I intend to see Snö at my feet. I watch as the snow mare before me takes my charge, trying to push me off balance. Being of the same breed slightly, we also happen to be around the same size, though I weigh more and am taller. That doesn’t mean she couldn’t pose a threat to me, and I know it is possible for her to win.

She tries in a wasted manner to throw me off balance, though it does little for my black body. White hits black, and I don’t feel much as she doesn’t put enough weigh against me to slow down my momentum. My horn misses its mark, but I feel it hit between her hair, and I felt skin wiggle around it. My kick hits skin as well, and though it missed it’s original mark too.

A look at her as she comes back to me, I can tell she is in pain, but is thinking. It’s good to plot your next move before it happens. She rears, which isn’t surprising to me. She knows we are pretty evenly matched, as do I. My feet move quicker then my mind can process, and as she comes to meet me I come to meet her. I turn my body into a half rear, pushing her to the left of me. In hoping that our bodies make contact again, I form my next move in my mind.

My horn dives underneath her, scraping her stomach, which she so carelessly left open. I tend to lightly make a jab there, nothing too serious as this is a teaching spar. I toss my head down when I’m by her back legs, and use my strong powerful legs to propel myself forward. As I run past, I once again use my back hooves to give her a good kick in the backside.

I work well with my horn, and my footwork is what I mainly rely on. I ponder for a moment what Snö’s technique is, though her footwork is as good as mine. I run a slight distance away, four feet, so that she has to come to me. I turn around again like before, but my stance is different. I form a low crouch, horn pointed up. I wait there for her to come, thinking of what I can do as she approaches me next.

I’m closer to the hot springs now, about 15 feet away. I think of how I can use this to my advantage, if I can lure her there, and use the springs to set up a trap. It’s an interesting idea, but I’m not one to run and set up traps. I will fight normally, using my brute strength to defeat her. If I get desperate enough, perhaps I will use my head, but for now it is not needed.

[OCC:
Word Count: 522
Post: 2/3
Attack: Half rears to meet Snö, pushes back up against her. She then uses her horn to try to scrape Snö’s stomach area, and then kicks her as she runs away.
Defense: Resumes a defensive position, body low to the ground, horn up at a 45-degree angle]

Words


Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned


Snö Posts: 155
Deceased atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.2 hh :: 4 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
ali
#5
   SNÖ</style>
  & i know why everything wrong feels so right</style>



She rises up to meet Snö. For a moment, the ice princess' jaw almost drops in disbelief; does the mare not realize she would be crushed under another horse's weight? Yes, the dark Friesian may be a hand taller, but that does not mean she has such a huge advantage Snö would simply ricochet off her. Before she would think on it more, however, she wrenches herself away, realizing suddenly and harshly the Corporeal was not quite so stupid as Snö had thought she was in that moment, for rearing up and bracing herself on her haunches had opened the soft flesh of her stomach up to the razor-sharp horn. This may be a spar, but Snö thought this much more serious. It was a part, however small, in a long term plan. If this was a true battle, her guts would be hanging out and she would be dead. No questions asked.

Her heart twists violently at the thought, and yet she cannot imagine anyone truly mourning her. Mauja had sired Temmen; he did not care for her. Psyche the "Dark Empress" was a bitch and a mule's ass who hardly appeared to care for her. Yet as quick as the thoughts flash through her head, they are gone, ghosts on the wind, and she is back to her fight. It was a mistake to allow her cold, cruel mind to wander off in the midst of a battle; it could've been a fatal mistake, if it had not been with a herd member.

It is an awkward move, but Snö does curl away and land heavily on the thick carpet of green grass, the slender spear no longer quite the threat it was. Thank the gods for that. Even as she lands onto all fours, Elizabeth is already moving, intending to kick at her hind end. At the moment of her lurching turn, she had moved to the left, her haunches set in the Friesian's face. As a result, the dark mare had been able to pass quite easily, swerving around. But by no means was Snö about to allow the Corporeal through to go galumping off again. By lashing out at Snö's hind end, she exposed her own haunches and the slender legs. There were two moves the younger mare could think of; either dodging or kicking back out in retaliation. Perhaps thinking more wisely, she leaped away, leaving those feet kicking empty air, creamy tail whisking up on either flank.

Already her thigh aches from earlier, and she has no want to bruise it even more. No doubt by tomorrow it will be aching like hell as she moves on it. Not painful enough to go lame, but it hurts now as she reared and danced the warrior's fight. Her withers sting as well, the pain throbbing downwards as Snö turns to canter after Elizabeth, taking note of the mare's position. It would not do to launch the same attack again, rearing up, with the angle the Corporeal's horn was at. Maybe if she were to... no. Mayhaps the best maneuver would be to lock horns, move the work to the shoulders and neck.

Snö twists her head, her horn aiming to snap against Elizabeth's, hopefully pushing it to the right. Right now she has the momentum, while Elizabeth is standing still. At the last moment, she thrusts herself off her hindquarters, hoping to get that extra power behind it. If successful, the lock hopefully pushing the mare off balance, she would attempt to sidle to the left, and kick out at Elizabeth's stifle.

[WC: 599 || Post: 2/3 || Attack: When Elizabeth half-rears, Snö twists away and lands, dropping all her weight and now perpendicular to her, at a 90 degree angle. She does not take Elizabeth's kick, and then chases after her. Instead of attempting to rear again, she drops her head and shifts her horn to an angle where they would make impact. With the momentum behind her, she hopes to push Elizabeth to her right (Elizabeth's left), and then, if successful, she would move to her left and kick out at the mare's stifle.]



Credits

Elizabeth Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#6

Elizabeth



I see the look in the Princess’ eyes at she sees her mistake. I smile, knowing I have taught her something at least, and that maybe she will learn next time. She rolls away from me, landing herself on the green grass below, and I feel my black feet kick the air around her. It was a good move, but it would only get better.

The white filly comes streaking in after me, and lashes her horn at me. They hit, and she intends to rubs horns with me. She pushes me to my left, and push right back, trying to force her off of me. It seems another test of weight and strength is in order. I push back against her, and I try to get her off me. I want to put her back, and I raise my body to a half rear, trying to raise her with me.

The ground beneath me now is crisp, but it’s a little tender. My hooves push into soft ground, and I can feel them sinking ever so slightly as I rise. My weight is enough to push in the ground, and I must be doing something right if it is. As I try to push her, another plan seeps into my mind.

With pushing her to the left, intend to slip away if I can. With pushing more to the left, I imagine my black horn slipping underneath hers, letting my body free to move away. As I slip, I’ll try to match my two back silver hoofs on her white skin.

If this fails, I will simply come up with another plan.

[OCC: My God this sucked, I’m so so so sorry.
Attack: Pushes back again Snö’s horn. If Eli can slip under her, then she will kick at her. If not, then she will go with her movements.
Defense: None]

Words


Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned


Snö Posts: 155
Deceased atk: 4 | def: 8 | dam: 6.5
Mare :: Unicorn :: 16.2 hh :: 4 HP: 62 | Buff: NOVICE
ali
#7
   SNÖ</style>
  & i know why everything wrong feels so right</style>



Snö's neck muscles clench and lock as contact is made, the crack and clack of horns smacking against each other echoing through the valley, like the sound of stags' antlers colliding. But even as horns are locked and muscles braced for the impact, Snö realizes the one factor she forgot. The morning, still early and new, filled with pale gray yellow light, glitters and dances on dew. As her hooves fought for a grip, and the force acting on her from the front, the varnish warrior began to slip, sliding backwards under Elizabeth's strength. Elizabeth was older than her, muscles more filled out, while Snö, however much she lusted after being a warrior and however much she trained, still had a body filled with the sharp angles of a youth. Her body had yet to fill out to the full curves and round lines of an adult mare. End in end, even her desperation to gain the upper hand would not work against the corporeal's prowess and strength.

Her withers gave one last, final ache before Snö gave way gracelessly, falling back with a shudder and heave of her slender chest, nostrils flaring to drink in the cool air that spiked her lungs ever so slightly. There was a last crack of the horns, and Snö staggered, trying to find her balance after finding the pressure relieved so abruptly. Elizabeth was already on the move, quickening forward to lash out at her right side. No. Not this time. Snö shuffled her hind end over, nipping out at Elizabeth's shoulder, and then moving forward with her, bracing her right shoulder and thrusting herself from her hind legs, aiming to knock at the Corporeal's left shoulder.

There were no thoughts, just movement, the inhale and exhale, the tiny smouldering flame of anger or happiness, if a blow landed or failed, the enjoyment of watching another fall to pain. Fighting was so much more harder and easier than she expected- just act, and react. No thoughts, no detailed plotting. Whatever plans you made evaporated at the first move. It was... distraction. From worries, from life, it was peace.

Snö never expected fighting would feel this good.

[Does not get kicked- nips at Elizabeth's shoulder, then aims to shoulder-check her. Short post, struggled a bit to reply :3 ]



Credits

Elizabeth Posts: N/A
Unregistered
:: :: ::
#8

Elizabeth



Within moments it is over, and I am moving once more. I can move alongside her like a breeze, bring destruction in my path. I feel weightless, and I feel like it’s just the tension in my muscles and the lack of oxygen that is doing this to me. How I’ve missed this feeling, and it’s so wonderful, I’ve almost forgotten how wonderful. But we are not done yet, and there is still more to do. I slip away, and I feel the air as I miss her pale body once more. I’ll admit, she is quick, but I am satisfied that I pushed her back in the first place. The ground beneath me it wet as well, and though we had been fighting, it is starting to thaw from all the action, and I can feel it slip a little.

She is on me, and she bump into my shoulder, and tries to bite me. I slip a little below her initial target, and though she bites me, it is at the bottom of my neck, and she grazes me with her front teeth, until I move towards her, meeting her. It’s almost like we are Ying and Yang, peace and destruction, and I’m not sure which is which. The bite she inflicts is more open than her front teeth now, and it pains me, and I give out a grunt and blink my eyes, but nothing more. Inside however, I feel the pain, and I want to scream. It was more than I expected, and it hurts like hell. I can feel blood dripping down my skin, and it’s a pretty bad bite.

After she bumps my shoulder, I bump her back, trying my best in my pain to push her away from me. Where she bumps me is a little bit below the bite, and tears well in my eyes from it. After trying to push her off, if I can’t succeed, I simply turn away. I need to put distance between us. I stop pushing against her, and give her one last shove in the opposite direction, then I turn away, put my back to her, give one last buck, and trot a couple of feet away. My breath is coming in gasps, the pain in my shoulder so intense, and every bit of the fight it catching up to me all of a sudden. I feel like I just go bulldozed or woke up from a nightmare. I look back at her, from where she is, and I speak a single sentence.

“You did well.”


Words


Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned


Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
Sorry for the wait. If you are waiting on someone to switch the tag over for a long time, you may just PM the Official to request a rubric, for future reference. :)



E l i z a b e t h | S n ö
- - - - -
By my verdict SNO is the winner.
Sno receives 1 VP and has unlocked the battle buff ENDURE.

ELIZABETH -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
- 1| Attack: Horn slash for the cheek. The reason I counting for this is because you mention rearing preceding this, but all you give me in regards to a transition from this is: "I tuck my ears into my black skin, and travel". Is she charging forward on her back legs? Running? Walking? Skulking? I certainly don't know. You also fail to denote which cheek.
+ 1| Attack: Kick to the left shoulder.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
- 1| Easy Read: A lot of the action in this post was confusing for me to read. I was uncertain of movement, direction, and intent for most of your attacks.
+ 1| Flow

SNO -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Ramming toward Elizabeth's left side.
- 1| Injury: Horn scrape to the spine. I believe that the movement Sno is making that would change the aim of Elizabeth's attack occurs after the horn slash. Also, assuming that she is moving forward in time, Elizabeth's horn would like scrape her neck, if anything, and not her back. Remember, her aim is for Sno's cheek, and Elizabeth is taller. The chances of her aim being /lower/ than her original intent is slim.
0 | Defense: Kick taken to the left thigh. "With their proximity, Snö is only just able to 'avoid' the black mare's kick." How? This makes it sound like Sno is attempting to break away, though I believe you are referring to her range being cut off to minimize the damage. Either way, this is very unclear.
+ 1| Attack: Rearing for Elizabeth's neck.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Flow

ELIZABETH -- post 2

[Realism]
- 1| Injury: Response to the ram. "... I don’t feel much as she doesn’t put enough weigh against me to slow down my momentum." Sno is 16.2hh. Elizabeth is 17hh. There is no major difference in size here to make this attack ineffective. I would think a large horse, even in such close distances, would pose a large enough imbalance to at least have noticeable force. I don't know if you've ever been bumped into by a horse, but you certainly feel it.
+ 1| Defense: Half rearing in response to a rear.
- 1| Injury: No mention of whether or not Sno's hooves hit or miss.
- 2| Powerplay: "I turn my body into a half rear, pushing her to the left of me." -- You cannot hit your opponent if they have not already written it.
- 2| Powerplay: "My horn dives underneath her, scraping her stomach, which she so carelessly left open." -- This is directive language forcing your attack to land where you intend.
0 | Attack: Jab to the stomach. Sno never wrote that she was intending to remain in the air for long, but you write as though Elizabeth has enough time to half rear, land, and then jab out at her stomach.
+ 1| Attack: Kick toward Sno's backside.
- 2| Powerplay: "As I run past, I once again use my back hooves to give her a good kick in the backside." -- This is declarative language, leaving no room for Sno to dodge the attack. You can only aim. You cannot directly kick and land attacks.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: Running away after your attacks, turning around, etc. Who is to say Sno doesn't trip Elizabeth as she tries to run away? This is assuming your character leaves scot free, and also leaves no opportunity for your opponent to react.

[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Flow
0| Emotion: Mechanical and very dry.


SNO -- post 2

[Realism]
0 | Defense: Curling away from Elizabeth's horn scrape. You do not really make it clear whether or not this attack lands, but I'm assuming not with the lack of injury illustrated. However, the action should have been more clear. "Curling" isn't something that really helps me imagine what Sno is doing.
+ 1| Defense: Dodging Elizabeth's kick by leaping to the side.
+ 1| Attack: Horn lock and attempt to shove right.
- 1| Borderline powerplay: "Right now she has the momentum, while Elizabeth is standing still." -- Elizabeth could be moving right now, so you may not say she is standing still positively.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read

ELIZABETH -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Counter-attack: Pushing back against Sno's horn.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "I push back against her..." -- Time has passed since the original attack where your horns met. For all you know, Sno may have broken away from Elizabeth by now. In which case, you are forcing your opponent to stay put.
0 | Transition: I'm not sure I can award for this or not since it's not an attack or defense, but I wanted to bring something to your attention. "With pushing more to the left, I imagine my black horn slipping underneath hers..." Moving Elizabeth's horn more left while Sno is moving left would not make her horn slip underneath Sno's. Elizabeth would have to duck her head to unlock, especially since Elizabeth is rearing and you have no guarantee of Sno rising with her.
- 1| Attack: Trying to kick Sno. Elizabeth is in a half rear, so I am not sure how she can kick out at Sno while her back hooves are firmly planted on the ground and she cannot hover.

[Prose]
+ 1 | Easy Read
+ 1| Flow
0 | Emotion: Again, this post is dry and mechanical.

SNO -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Falling back from Elizabeth's push.
+ 1| Attack: Biting at Elizabeth's shoulder.
- 2| Powerplay: "...shoulder, and then moving forward with her..." -- Elizabeth never mentions moving forward. She simply says her body is free to move, but does not move away.
+ 1| Attack: Launching Sno's right shoulder at Elizabeth's left shoulder.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read

ELIZABETH -- Closing defense
[Realism]
- 1| Defense: "Slipping" below Sno's attacks. You do not describe how Elizabeth does this. I also feel the damage done by the bite was excessive, considering it was written as "nipping" at her shoulder originally.
+ 1| Defense: Pushing back in response to the shoulder blow.

ELIZABETH

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed comparison: You attempt to compare the size and breed of Elizabeth and Sno often, but it is sometimes misconstrued.
+ 1| Surroundings: You mention the surroundings often, but never actually utilize them in battle for ill or otherwise. I was also confused because Elizabeth was in the water prior to the fight, but you never mention her shivering or being cold from it - that could have added a lot!

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: The biggest problem I had during this fight was the way you word attacks. You are powerplaying your opponent and much more often than you should! You must be very careful in your wording to avoid directive statements or actions that trap your opponent in situations that may not have occurred during that situation. For example, running away after attacks prevents your opponent from making realistic counterstrikes they may otherwise have used. Your connection to Elizabeth also struggled during this fight, and I did not feel her character's presence often, if at all in your posts. I do feel, however, that you defend well and have potential to be a good fighter! Keep at it!

SNO

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed comparison: You realistically utilized the differences in musculature and similar breed types throughout the fight.
+ 1| Surroundings: You are mindful of the surroundings, but only use them in the fight near the end, where Sno begins slipping on the wet grass.

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| "Psyche the 'Dark Empress' was a bitch and a mule's ass who hardly appeared to care for her." - I found it very amusing to hear Psyche called a mule's ass.

Comments: I believe you struggle most to respond to attacks. I think you need to work on how to describe how you evade or what movements could realistically get you out of a situation. I would pay more attention on how to utilize your surroundings versus describing them. It is all good and great that the grass is frosty and green, but how does that help you with a battle? Overall, I think you did well in the fight. All I can suggest for you is to practice more! Good job.

TOTAL
Elizabeth - 49
Snö - 66

Image Credit: dirkjankraan @ Flickr


Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture