[P] doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Printable Version +- HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun (http://helovia.com) +-- Forum: Out of Character (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Archives (http://helovia.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11) +--- Thread: [P] doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] (/showthread.php?tid=22994) |
doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Sohalia - 02-20-2016 --This is a terrible idea.-- Do you have a better one? His silence through the bond answered her question, and she sighed. It was noon, or somewhere close to it; the sun shone brightly overhead, a wintery orb in a clear blue sky. A gentle breeze played with her ivory locks, swaying them to an fro, enticing them to frolic along her nape. It was chilly, but not horrendously cold, even for Frostfall. The mare was grateful for that. Her journey's end was the Hidden Falls, a place that she had visited only once before, and the thought of frigid, falling waters kissing her coat was not an appealing one. The waterfalls' spray would still be cold, she knew, but perhaps she would avoid freezing entirely. (Should she avoid it? Maybe it would be better that way.) But it wasn't just about her anymore, was it? --Stupid,-- Astraeus grumbled, irritation and guilt twisting in his stomach. She felt his pain, the way he blamed himself for her weakness. He had been hunting that night. If he had been there, had been able to break through her sorrow to talk her out of it -- There was no talking me out of it, she told him firmly. It just... happened. And it had made her better, hadn't it? She could see more clearly now, could think without the self-loathing that had become so familiar. Whatever the consequence, she could not bring herself to regret her actions. She could not bring herself to feel shame, or anger, and guilt. No, whatever she had brought on herself, she had done it willingly, had welcomed the cleansing that it had granted her. Even so, she wasn't looking forward to this. She had to find him, before her resolve wavered. "Kaj, where are you?" she whispered, almost to herself. Astraeus departed, sparks falling from his feathers. He was grumpy and irritable, but he would still do anything to assist his bonded, even if he did not agree with her choices. He would find the Aurelight. "Talk talk talk." --Astraeus.-- you give up your soul till you break down;
subtlepatterns.com | foxyfirewings & larfsalot @ deviantart.com @Kaj <333333 RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Kaj - 03-01-2016 Drowning my thoughts out with sounds
He is only half surprised to see Sohalia, for some reason. But he welcomes it, gliding down sharply to land in the thin snow before her, his heart crying with gladness. She who understood him, who had felt and experienced the weight of his burdens and not rejected him for it. "Sohalia," he said softly, muzzle extending towards her with a quiet, tentative hopefulness. "What do you need?" it was a gentle inquiry, because he'd sworn to always be there for her in her hour of need. Was that why she was here? RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Sohalia - 03-01-2016 Astraeus flew, searching, as his bonded had bade, for the golden steed who ruled these lands. He tried (and failed) to keep his thoughts on the matter neutral; the zephyr was angry that his bonded would throw herself at a stallion for comfort. Look where that had led her, time and again: pregnant and afraid, destined to be alone. But he couldn't tell her that, now, could he? What kind of companion would he be if he added to the stakes driven through her heart? No -- the wakiya would protect the Transcended, even if it mean he had to bite his tongue from time to time. The mare felt her companion's distaste through the bond, and she understood its source; but she could not bring herself to look upon the night that she and Kaj had shared with disgust, despite its less-than-ideal outcome. It was not long before the Aurelight appeared, a gleaming shadow to join hers in the bright world around them. Again, as before, she saw how haunted he was by ghosts unknown; she wondered if he had always been this way, and it had just taken her own misfortune to familiarize her with the image, or if he, too, had experienced more pain than he could bear since she had met him so long ago. Regardless, his presence was a welcome one, and she felt herself begin to relax despite her nerves. She offered a tentative, tired smile, reaching for him to mirror his gesture. Her muzzle bumped easily against his, but this time there was no passion, only an unexplained affection. "Kaj," she greeted him warmly, gently, a kindly embrace in an otherwise cold-hearted world. Perhaps that was her problem - perhaps she was just too soft to survive the cruelty all around her. She cocked her head slightly, peering at him as though to check for outward signs of the cracks she knew lay beneath the surface. "How are you doing?" she asked quietly, returning her bi-colored gaze to his blue, piercing, searching. It was a challenge, of sorts: was the connection that they had made - a deeper connection than their physical closeness had allowed - still there? Or would his role in the Hidden Falls force the charade of strength to continue, glue the mask to his face, impossible for her to pry off? She didn't answer his question. How could she? He had greeted her with warmth and affection, and she had only problems and drama to unveil to him. Again, she felt that rush of - love, but not love, not the romantic sort, anyway, but not really the friend type, either - whatever it was, but this time, she felt guilt. If only she had sought him out merely to ask how he was... but no. Of course it couldn't be that easy. She was laden with baggage of all kinds, and she was here to share her newest bag. He deserved better. He deserved more. "Talk talk talk." --Astraeus.-- you give up your soul till you break down;
subtlepatterns.com | foxyfirewings & larfsalot @ deviantart.com RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Kaj - 03-06-2016 Drowning my thoughts out with sounds
RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Sohalia - 03-06-2016 It occurred to her suddenly that she must like to play the victim. As much as she knew that her actions were what led her here, down this dark and twisting road of poor timing and rash decisions, she continued to think of it as fate. She continued to begrudge that fleeting deity, Destiny, for it must have truly hated her to have led her so far astray. She continued to condemn Karma, held to the fact that she must have been truly evil in another life to deserve such misery in this one. Deep down, she knew that these tiny threads to which she clung were naught but a coping mechanism - a poor one, at that - and that knowledge scared her. She hated herself for what she had become, but instead of giving in to that darkness (it being the more terrifying of the two), she continued to toss her net of blame everywhere else. Her one saving grace was that she has never indicted others for her misfortunes. No, it was always some nameless specter toward which she pointed her hoof. Kaj's touch was welcome, though not in the same way as it had been before, offering a new kind of salvation simply in his acceptance of her, as she was, without any expectations of what she should be. She sighed softly into his embrace, closing her eyes for a moment to soak it - him - in. As shattered as she has become, she knew that the golden steed matched her break for break, and there was some kind of strange comfort in that. She was relieved when he admitted that he was not, in fact, all right - though her heart ached for him, she was relieved that nothing had changed between them, that he had taken her comfort to heart and knew that she could be relied on during his weakest moments. She had, after all, come to him in one of hers. "They despise me." She opened her mouth as though to argue, to spew some mindless garbage about how no, Kaj, they couldn't possibly hate you, what could you have done to deserve their wrath? But it occurred to her suddenly that, as intimately as she understood him, she didn't know him at all. Her fears resurfaced, for what if she had made a mistake to come to him? What if he wanted no part in the life that stirred within her belly? What if he sent her away, wanted nothing to do with her now that she came with even more baggage for him to carry upon his broad shoulders? Her gaze dropped, tracing the ground around her hooves. More than that, though, she could offer him no comfort this time, for he could well have done something to warrant the hatred of his herd and family. That was a pain that she knew all too well, and her bi-colored eyes rose again to meet his. I understand, she longed to tell him, ached to give him an explanation for how she had come to be here, to be his (whatever she was to him - she did not delude herself that they were lovers, but he had, in his way, claimed a part of her all the same). "All I have ever wanted is a family." Relief would be too weak a word to describe what washed through her then. She let him finish, stepping closer in an attempt to press her forehead against his, offering comfort through physical closeness. Her wings rustled as she moved, almost of their own acord, shaking out feathers before settling against her sides. If he had happened to glance up, he might have noticed what her wings were hiding: the slight bulge of her belly, not enough to be sure of a pregnancy, but enough to make him wonder... "I'm sorry, Kaj," she told him, no pity in her voice, only comprehension of his pain. There was nothing more that she could offer him than that, for sometimes, wounds were too deep to be healed, even among one's family. Anything else would have been hollow, placating, and he deserved more than that. "You're right," she admitted. "I came... I needed... I..." What was she to say? Oh, remember that time we had sex? Yeah, well, I hope you didn't want to forget it. Surprise! She sighed heavily, stepping away from him, turning away as though to hide her fear. "I... I'm pregnant, Kaj." Emotions welled up in her then, bringing tears to her eyes. Even though she didn't think that he would react poorly, she still wondered if she had only brought him more pain, more drama, more... just more, when he had enough to deal with already. "I'm sorry," she spouted suddenly, words exploding forth with a speed that she had not intended. "I never meant for this to happen, I thought - it wasn't the right time, I didn't mean - I didn't - I -" He had opened his heart to her, and she had brought him more anxiety with which to fill it. She shouldn't have come. "Talk talk talk." --Astraeus.-- you give up your soul till you break down;
subtlepatterns.com | foxyfirewings & larfsalot @ deviantart.com RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Kaj - 03-09-2016 Drowning my thoughts out with sounds
RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Sohalia - 03-09-2016 It was terribly, painfully silent as she waited for any response from him. She peered at him from under her lashes, watched the realization slowly reach his eyes, dawned across his face - and she was surprised to find that neither repulsion nor disappointment was there. No, he almost looked... happy? The moment stretched for what felt like ages. "Pregnant?" he repeated, and she imagined that there was disbelief there, that this would be the moment when he would send her vague hopes crashing to the ground, when she would depart in shame to raise a foal alone in the Wilds. "Don't apologize!" he exclaimed, and so sure was she that he would be furious that she immediately began to sputter, "I'm sor--" But, realizing the content of his calming vocals, she stopped herself and looked at him, really looked at him, incredulity on her face, hope beginning to shine in her eyes. He was dancing in place, touching her everywhere he could reach, and she lifted her wings so that he could, if he chose, touch her belly, where their child lay. Perhaps... perhaps she would not be shunned, perhaps she would not ruin this... friendship, whatever this was, with him. Perhaps he was happy, and perhaps his happiness could finally convince her reluctant glee to appear. "You - you have?" she stuttered, stumbling over the tumultuous emotions threatening to bubble over. He wanted a foal - well, not one with her, surely, but even so, he was practically giddy. She couldn't help but giggle. "Yes," she agreed. "You're going to be a father." For a moment, she allowed herself to imagine what it would have been like, if Kaj had been the stallion that she had fallen in love with instead of Gaucho. Would it have been enough to make her stay? Would it have been enough to keep her family together, if Kaj was the father of her children? "I - are you sure?" she asked, suddenly doubtful. "I... Kaj, I've been a terrible mother before, I don't -" she cut off suddenly, her deepest guilt surfacing for the first time. "What if I can't... what if I'm not... I don't want to fail this child," she admitted. "Or you." No, they weren't mates, and she didn't imagine that they would be in the future - but she did care for Kaj immensely, especially now, especially after his affection and support during perhaps the most tumultuous part of her life. "I just... I want..." What did she want? A family, she admitted. One that stays together, that loves and supports each other, that doesn't fall apart. "I want to be a family, but I... what if I'm just not good enough?" "Talk talk talk." --Astraeus.-- you give up your soul till you break down;
subtlepatterns.com | foxyfirewings & larfsalot @ deviantart.com @Kaj RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Kaj - 03-17-2016 Drowning my thoughts out with sounds
RE: doesn't mean we're bound for life [kaj] - Sohalia - 03-18-2016 The future began to unfold before her eyes. She would bear Kaj's child, would give birth among his herd, would raise their baby beneath the cascading falls that he called home. She would watch as their child grew into adolescence, making his or her place among the Falls herd, striving to please the Aurelight and succeeding at every turn. She could see the stallion doting on their child, training it to be a warrior if it were a colt, spoiling it as a princess if it were a filly - she could see it as plainly as the understanding on his face, as though she were standing beside him, watching every moment. She could feel her happiness, could taste her joy, could sense her contentment with all that their life would have to offer. She would not ask him for love - no, that wasn't true. She would take his love, his adoration, but she would not ask him for romance. That was not in the cards for them, even if it might have been if this had happened a few years sooner. But she could see their friendship, their comfort in one another continuing to grow, blossoming into some deeper connection that she could neither name nor explain. As she gazed into his blue eyes, she could see the future that they could share, and she suddenly longed for it as she had longed for nothing else in her life. This could be her new beginning. Their child could be their new beginning. She turned her head to press against him as he traced the curve of her belly gently. A small smile had found its way to her face as she allowed herself this moment, this reprieve from the past and the future. It was only now that mattered, only this, and it was more than enough for the Transcended. Her bonded crooned softly from the trees above, relieved to find that peace coursed easily through her veins for the first time in years. Nothing about her past had been easy, but this - this was as simple as breathing. This was as simple as living. Or maybe living was as simply as this. The thought rocked her to her core, and as Kaj pulled away, she considered the possibilities that lay before her. "The child will know only the greatest depths of love," Kaj promised. "Our child," she corrected, peering at him from beneath her lashed, unsure if she was asking too much of him. "You're right, Kaj," she added. "I promise you, I will give everything I have to our child." She paused, suddenly shy again. "I... can I... stay?" she asked. "... Permanently?" "Talk talk talk." --Astraeus.-- you give up your soul till you break down;
subtlepatterns.com | foxyfirewings & larfsalot @ deviantart.com @Kaj |